Family Issues #11 – Parents VS Family

Today Inshallah, in this brief reminder, I want to talk about something that was very important to many of our families. And that is that, how can a man strike a balance between his parents and his own family? This is how long you know, every single time after time, I will say, I get these kinds of calls, I get calls from men that they have problems with their family, their families are complaining. And I get calls from women, that they complain that their husbands are not creating a balance within the family and is causing a lot of issues between their marriage. So first of all, is that Allah subhanho wa taala. He says in the Quran, when it comes to parents walk or rabuka taboo in

India, or below validate the Santa ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala talks about the importance of showing our son to the parents, that after the worship of Allah after Tawheed, the one the most important thing is to show your son to show respect dignity to your parents, at the same time, one cannot be neglectful towards his own family, because of us will also law who it was said I'm also says, in the Hadith, that one of the worst sins that a person can commit is a person is willfully, willingly under he understands that he's doing something that is wrong, but he does not try to fix it. But this is when a person neglects his family. This is one of the worst sins that a person can commit.

So keeping in mind, the Hadith of the Prophet SAW Salem, keeping in mind the idea of the Quran, a person has to strike a balance when it comes to his his family, his parents, and when it comes to his wife and his kids now, the question often comes up and I'm trying to like take all these problems I've been seeing and facing. I'm trying to just put them in a in a question format. So the question often comes up is that what do we do when the parents come and they want to live with their children? Now, I've talked about this before one of my other lectures that how, what is the concept of join families within our deen? This is not that this is where a husband and wife have decided

that they're going to live separately. But sometime down the road, they the parents decide that they want to come and live with their children. So first of all, I do mention, I will I will mention this often when I do premarital counseling, and when I usually do premarital counseling, I cover 20 areas of marriage, because marriage is it is Pandora's box. If you think about it, it's it's can become very complex. I cover 20 areas of marriage, and I cover and usually when my premarital counseling when I do it, I asked some very difficult and uncomfortable questions, because I believe that you'd rather be prepared for marriage, rather than having surprises after marriage that can cause a lot of

issues. Well, I tell you, honestly, I've seen divorces within a week. I've seen divorces within a month. I've seen divorces within two months. So you see that there are a lot of issues within our community. And there are over small, small issues. And that is why I believe that husband and wife should go through premarital counseling, and they should be prepared. And if there's any surprises prior to marriage, you rather be surprised before marriage than being surprised after marriage. So usually this question comes up is that what do we do when parents want to come and live with their children? Now a lot, a lot of times, the husband says is my house, my parents can come and live with

me whenever I want, and so forth, whether the wife gets along with them or not, and so forth. So this in this particular situation, if the husband can financially afford it, then he should give his wife as her own separate place of living, he should offer her and arrange for her her own separate place of living. If it's a two story house, keep her upstairs, keep the parents downstairs, for example, that can also work well. We're talking about once again, if the husband can financially afford it. Just recently, I got a call from my from a man that he's going through some issues with his family. But once again, he cannot afford his family has come to live with him, his parents have

come to live with him. His wife is making a big issue about it. But he's saying that I cannot financially afford it. So I had to tell him that you have to explain to your wife that she's not coming. If the parents are not coming for a very long time, then just be patient while they're there. Eventually, then the parents are going to leave but in that situation, if he can afford it, the wife should be given her own separate space. And at the same time by doing this, he is not disobeying his parents. So if the parents say that no, you cannot give your wife a separate separate space of her own. She has to live in this house and so forth. Then in that case, if he says no, I'm

gonna keep her separate. This is not him. This obeying his parents at the same time is also important, especially for women and I always give this advice to women that do not ever try to create a, a competition kind of situation

not trading situation where you're trying to compete for your husbands love, a Muslim woman, a true Muslim woman will always teach her husband and advise her husband, to love his parent to love his parents, to respect his parents and so forth. If a husband is disrespecting his parents neglecting his parents, a good wife is someone who will remind her husband that call your parents, a good wife is a woman who is going to teach her husband remind her husband, that you should be respectful to your parents and so forth. A Good Woman is not a woman where she is she endorses, she advises, and she encourages disrespecting her, his parents and so forth. So that is why it is very important that

she, this is how the situation that she should create. Now, there are, there are situations like this also, and I'm not making this up. This happens, where parents would come from overseas, for example, and they come for a duration of the year, sometimes it can be three months, sometimes it can be four months, it can be sometimes it can be six months. And there are cases where at that time, the husband completely neglects to family. Why? Because the mother of the husband is telling her son, that the only way you will go to Jana is by serving us. That is the only way you will go to Jana is by serving us, and not your family, and so forth. So while we come here from overseas, you

have to give us your completely your complete undivided attention. And what happens is that the husband gives his undivided attention to his parents, taking his parents everywhere, staying with them, and so forth. And what happens is that the wife and the kids are completely neglected, when the wife has told her husband that you have to give me time you have to give me your kids time, you have to give us attention. He keeps on saying that the only way I can go to Jana is by serving my parents. This is where the parents are completely wrong. If the parents are teaching their child, that this is the only way you're going to Jana than first of all the son is wrong to believe his

parents. And the parents are also wrong to teach this kind of idea to her own kids. And this is coming once again from the mother to the child, that this is the only way you go to Jana. This is not the only way you go to Jana. In fact, you will be deprived from Jana, because of the fact that you are neglecting your wife and kids. I say this in every single Nikka I've conducted, okay, I've conducted over 500 marriages, I say this in every single Nick I've conducted When a man says Kaabil to her, when a man says I accept her When a man says man, a Qubool Kia, what that means is that you are accepting her as your wife, but you're accepting the fact that now from this point onward, you

will fulfill your role and responsibility as a husband, and you will take care of her and protect her and be there for her. That is what you are accepting. You're accepting the responsibility that comes with being a husband, and this is not in this case, this is not taking care of your family, by completely neglecting your family. And then and giving all the attention to your parents in that particular situation. A man has to strike a balance. Now I understand this, I will say this, they understand that even in those kinds of situations, families may not be happy. Sometimes the parents aren't happy. Sometimes the wife and kids are not happy. But a man should at least he can stand

before Allah subhanho wa Taala on the day of judgment and say, the young Allah while both of them were unhappy, I tried my best to strike a balance. I tried my best to try to create a situation where everyone gets their due attention. Yes, of course everyone is you know, weak and so forth. I may not be giving exactly 50% and 50%. But I tried my best. That is something that you know, a person should do. The next thing is that which I've seen a lot of issues, also many families is that there are cases where the man is sending money overseas, to take care of his siblings to take care of his parents. And a lot of times the wife will make a big issue about this. The Why are you

sending money overseas, but you're not spending money over here for us. Now in that particular situation? I will say this, if the man is well off, where he is taking care of his family, he's not neglecting his family, and he's sending money overseas is absolutely fine. It's his money. He can do whatever he wants with it. As I talked about this few weeks ago, even in the case of a woman if she has her own job, she has her own career, she has her own money, then in that particular situation she can spend her money on her parents. Likewise a husband can spend his money on his sibling and his parents as he wishes. But the issue becomes when they are neglected the wife and the kids are

neglected.

While he's sending money overseas, yours, then that situation is not right. And that particular situation, you try to once again, create a balance. Now there are every single family has their own situation going on. There are some families where you have multiple siblings, and multiple siblings can collectively, you know, bring their, you know, pull together their money, help out their parents, they should do that, if there's only one child in the family, that in that particular situation, they should try to strike a balance where they're taking care of their family, they're taking care of their parents also. And yes, if that means that his family may have to make some

sacrifices in their life, so that he can take care of his parents, there's nothing wrong with that. But he should not create a an extreme situation where He's taking care of his parents completely. And he's like neglecting the family. He's neglecting the family completely. So this is something that's very important. The next thing that becomes a serious conflict is when the parents and the so when I say parents, it means parents, or the siblings of the husband did not get along with a wife. And this happens once again, a lot of times. So what do what do we do in that kind of situation? So there are scenarios like, for example, the husband tells his wife, I'm going to my parents home, you

have to come with me. Now she knows that every time I go there to my inlaws, there's always a rift, there's always an issue. And by the way, I will tell you this. A lot of times, if the issue does not happen over there, then the husband has to deal with the burden. Okay. On the way back, the husband has to hear your family, is this your family? Is that your brother? Is this your sister? Is that? And your mother? Is this your father is that and he just has to hear, poor man, he has to hear it over and over again. Okay, so many of you are laughing me that you've gone through this before. So what do you do in that kind of situation, and that situation, a man should not force his wife, if

the wife says, I don't want to go, because I don't want to face any kind of issues and so forth, then in that particular situation, the husband should not force his wife to go to her in laws to mean to go to his parents home. At the same time, the wife does not have the right to say to her husband, that you cannot bring your parents over to our home. Yes, if the wife says, and the husband should give her permission, if the wife says that, while your parents are around, if they come around for around like one, two hours, three hours, four hours, I'm gonna go and occupy myself somewhere else, I'll go to my friend's house, I'll go to the masjid, I will go do something

somewhere. But I don't want to be at home when your family is around. And because just to avoid any kind of conflict. First of all, the husband should not should not say no to the wife. Yes, he should try to advise her. But if there's some serious conflicts, and once again, there are some serious conflicts in many families, then in that particular situation, the husband should not say to the wife, if the wife says she wants to go for a while, then the husband should allow her to go. Now the next thing is that when it comes to parents involvement in a marriage, the next question is, to what degree can parents be involved in the marriage of their own children? First of all, I say that the

parents should not be at all involved in their own children's marriage. And by the way, this is a very cultural thing. Many parents believe that my son or my daughter, they do not know anything in life. Hence, I need to be involved in their in their marriage. Well, if the if they don't know anything in life, why do you let them get married? To begin with? That's my question. If you feel like that there are so immature, that they shouldn't they don't know anything in life, why don't you let them get married to begin with, because marriage is also about maturity, marriage is about maturity too. So that is why first of all, I say that the parents should not be involved in their

kids marriage unless, unless the kids themselves want to make their parents part or bring them part of the marriage and involve them into the marriage. So what that basically means is that the parents should not feel the need that I need to know every single thing. What my son is doing what my daughter is doing, like anything, they buy anything, wherever they go, anytime they go for a vacation. Anytime they go in, they buy something like son, there are some parents who have so much control over their kids, that they feel the need that I need to know every single thing that is going on in their in their family, and you don't as parents, you don't need to know every single

thing that is going into the family. Yes, there is nothing wrong. Let me say this. There is nothing wrong for a child for a husband or a wife to go and seek some matura some consultation from their parents. Imagine there's an issue going on between husband and wife. Now that time the the parents of the husband will say to their child

so that you know what my son, if there's anything we can help out and so forth, if the, if the Son is on asking for the help, the parent should not get involved. Yes, if the son comes to his own parents and says, I need some help, or I need some consultation, the only thing that parents should be doing that particular situation is providing their consultation. And that is it, providing consultation to to their daughter, providing consultation to their son, and let the husband and wife sit down and let them resolve their issues by themselves. This is part of maturity of marriage, by the way, when the husband and wife they sit down, and they talk to each other, and they learn how to

compromise in marriage, because marriage is not about my way or the highway, it's about working with each other compromising, you might have to give up some things, you might have to negotiate on some things and so forth, here and there. So marriage is about working with each other, it's teamwork. And Team stands for what Together Everyone Achieves more. This is what team is. So that is why it is important that we work with each other. Yes, go to your parents, your parents have, you know, you know, for many young men and women, they don't know when to involve their parents, yes, there's nothing wrong in getting the parents involved. They do have a lot of experience, they can also

provide some guidance and so forth. But the parents should not get involved into the marriage. By the way, I will tell you in America right now, one of the key reasons of divorces within our community is in law interference. It's in law interference. So that is why it is very important that we don't do this. And finally, if there's an issue between a husband and wife, you know, I get calls a lot, where the wife is telling me or the husband is telling me that our issues are Wallahi, very minut, very small, the ones who are magnifying the issue, or the parents,

the ones who are magnifying the issue, or the parents, parents, at the end of the day, need to play a role if they are asked to be involved. They need to play a role of bringing people together, not dividing people not separating and breaking families. A lot of times the mother she would tell her son, your wife, is this your wife is that your wife is this your wife is that you can get so many other women and so forth. There's so many other fishes in the sea and so forth. Just let her go. This is not right, for parents to go and break apart their families is not right. Yes, let the husband and wife talk to each other. And somehow Allah would advise them to sit down and talk to

each other. They have been the husband and wife Subhanallah they've been able to resolve their issue together. But the parents are the ones who are trying to separate the two that is not right in any family. So we keep these few things in mind inshallah I ask Allah subhana wa Bucha to bring peace and happiness to our families. May Allah subhana wa Tada Baraka in our families admirable Allah mean, what is that Kamala? Hey, Salam aleikum. Warahmatullah wabarakatuh

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