Epic Parenting – Taboo Subjects

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Topics: Parenting

Episode Notes

In this lecture Sr Haleh discusses the Taboo Subjects on January 10, 2016.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Okay,

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah. Welcome to the parenting class.

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Today we're going to tackle a couple of taboo subjects, okay, I feel that

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you know, with a, with the Muslim Ummah, and our communities, a lot of times, the way we deal with problems is what we sweep it under the rug, or we stick our head in the sand and pretend that the problems don't exist and wish that they just kind of go away. And a lot of people are in denial about the problems, you know, as

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that it can, like we are, we're untouchable, this cannot happen to us. But you know, as a, as a counselor, I am working with people from all over the world, I see that, you know, are we really have a lot of big issues that are coming up. And I I see all of it, I see whether it's the marital problems, whether it's the drug problems, suicidal, so what I'd like to do today is tackle at least two of these, like, let's say the taboo subjects, okay, we're going to talk about a little bit the, the drugs, and pasta and suicide, inshallah, and you may look at this and think, oh, I don't need to tune in. This doesn't affect me fry. inshallah, it doesn't. But you know, I think that it's

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important to learn, because you never know any of the parents that I've dealt with who, who have had kids that have either gone on drugs or have committed suicide, all of this, they never suspected it. So

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Bismillah was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. So he has, we're going to tackle a few taboo subjects, you know, the past.

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Just recently, I would say, last couple of months, you can imagine I've had at least a dozen young adults, like they're in their early 20s. Okay, that have come in, because they, you know, they are either caught smoking marijuana, or they're addicted to marijuana. So this is pretty, it's an epidemic, unfortunately. And these are not, let's say, from families who are not at all practicing, these are from practicing homes. These are individuals who have, let's say, gone to Islamic schools have had the Islamic upbringing, some have, you know, learn for on and, and this is happening. So a lot of times I have the parents come in, and they're completely shocked. There's completely

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destroyed by this. But I think a lot of times what happens because, first of all, we're in denial, we don't even know that it exists. You know, when I, whenever I bring up this topic with anyone, there's just shock and disbelief, like No way, no way can this happen. So we're in denial, we don't even know that it's happening. Second of all, is that we feel there's a misconception that if we talk about these things, we're planting seeds, we're going to put the thoughts in their head. So better not to discuss it. How many people think that way? Right. Now, okay, here. This is like not me. Okay, that's good. majority of people do have that mentality, that mindset of you know, I better

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just not even talk about it, because this will this, I'm going to be encouraging them in a sense. So when it comes to having discussions, it's so important to have that open discussion with our kids and have them feel safe enough to share, right? A lot of times I talk about how, when we are extremely strict with our kids, especially islamically, religiously, we're very, very rigid and strict. What happens is that they will break away and they will try and they will do the most horrific things much more than a liberal household. They just kind of go that extreme. I had a young young man that came to me he's like his early 20s. And he he said that he was you know, he was so

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upright. He was very studious, excellent in high school. In all AP classes, clean cut religious pray, and guess what right now is addicted to marijuana. I and and it's happening across, you know, with so many different people from so many different backgrounds. And one of the things I did in the session with him, I'm like, you know, can you can you stop? And he's like, yeah, I'm not addicted. I'm like, Okay, so how about this

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This week, no smoking, okay? And and he's like, well, how are you gonna know? I said, I'm gonna trust you. So he was a little bit shocked. He's like, is my kid my parents treat me like a 13 year old, like, I'm 22. But they treat me like a 13 year old. So the fact that I was treating him like an adult and saying that, you know, I'm going to trust you, what do you need me to get you to take tests? And you show me, we could do that. But he said, No, I'm gonna do this. And then I asked about the fact that where do you get your supplies from? And he said, there's, there's this guy that I call and I had him, you know, delete that number. And it was not an easy task. But after he did it,

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I can't tell you the relief that he that he felt there was dislike, oh, my God, and he was actually his laughing is like, I would have never been able to do this on my own. And sometimes, like, that's what they need, they need to, I don't think he could have that open discussion with a parent because it would be too.

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He actually came in for other issues. So I don't think the parents are even, they even know what's, you know, what's going on with that. So it's very important to,

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to let them realize that they, you know, you can have an open conversation. And then when you have that conversation, I think it's critical to discuss the fact of not even trying, you know, there was this big campaign when we lived in Egypt, there was a big campaign, then I'm a harlot, and I know many of you know him, he is very, very popular, he gets more hits than Oprah. Mashallah. So he's has a very dynamic personality where he inspires people to become more religious, and it just had an amazing impact on the on the youth, a lot of people are wearing his jobs are practicing just because of that, you know, that personality was so different from what they were used to have the typical

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shift. And so he I remember him doing a campaign and it when we would go to movies or anything, it would come on just saying don't even try it. Right. And I think that's a really important concept to teach. Because sometimes, they may not even enjoy the experience, they may never have even thought about it. But when someone is presents it to them, then it's like, how do you handle the situation? We have to prepare our kids, that when you are presented with a situation, when you are tempted when someone is like, Hey, give it a try? What how are you going to handle that? And if we've taught our kids up until now to just be obedient, to listen to follow to not ask questions to not speak up,

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guess what, they're going to be very likely to say, Okay, bye. I don't want to I you know, I don't have the confidence to speak up, I want to be accepted. It this one guy told me that psych, you know, the guy who offered he wasn't even a friend. But I really felt shunned by my parents, my parents, I never was good enough for them, they're always mad at me. And I was feeling very lonely. And when he offered it to me, I felt like, you know, I just want to be accepted. Right? And then that's what, you know, that's what got him hooked. It's like, I didn't even enjoy it, I didn't even like the guy. So it doesn't have to be this scenario where they're really close friends, it could be

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just some random stranger, wanting to introduce something like that. And if we haven't taught our kids to speak up, if we haven't taught them to feel confident in themselves, then then they're going to be really vulnerable at that point, right. So we need to have this discussion with them and, and let them feel strong about standing up. And the only way that can happen is if they practice at home, right? We we need to be building our kids and not making them like you know, crushing them crushing their self esteem, breaking. There's that expression, I think,

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in in Arabic about like, you know, just crushing them, right, like breaking breaking that so they're not so defiant. But really, that is not the way to go maybe that work 2030 years ago, but at this at this stage, we cannot we cannot risk that. Because you break break break and guess what they're gonna be like I've had it and they will find a way they will just they'll just escape.

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This one girl that came in. She got involved with with marijuana in high school for a very strict religious household. And she was like, it was all that strictness She goes, I was not allowed to go out after school. I was not allowed to have friends. I wasn't allowed to go to parties. I wasn't allowed to do anything. And so all that constriction made her just want to break free. So she got

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introduced to it to the point that I mean, she ended up marrying the drug dealer. Can you believe that? Because like

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She could get free drugs. I know, it's very shocking. But it's a reality. It's a reality that we need to face. And we need to make sure that our kids are informed, right? Because if we just assume that no, there's they're not going to get involved that and you know, you look at these, you look at these kids, you know, the kids that come to it, and you would never guess it could be coming in and out of the master. And you would not see them as being involved in this right, sometimes they hide it very well. So very important to discuss with them, let them feel, first of all safe, too, when they are exposed like this, one guy said, I got involved, and I was stuck. I didn't know how to help

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myself. But I was too scared to go to my parents. And that's what most of them say that there's that fear, fear of getting in trouble is more than the actual, like the drug killing them. They rather be in that scenario and be stuck, then, you know, expose themselves. So, you know, what are we doing as parents, if they can't come to us in a time of need, and if they can come when we are when they are struggling? When they are tempted when they are, you know, then I don't feel like we're doing our part as a parent, right? They need to feel safe, they need to feel like yes, it's going to be maybe disappointing. Yes, we might be a bit upset. But we're there to help them. Right. And that's the

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message that we need to really relate to our kids. And, and I always say this, if, if we're losing it if the kid is like spilling milk, if, if we lose it when they're like they don't clean up their room, and we're just or if they don't get the a and we are hysterical because of these minor issues, there's no way that they're going to come to us for the major issues, right. So that's one of the things I want us to have, like, this is just an open dialogue with our kids, inform them that you know, this, this does happen, it does exist, people may come up to you. And just be very aware and be very confident. And, and also teach the important concept of you don't always have to be accepted

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by everyone. I think, you know, growing up, I was very much into just, you know, pleasing everybody like being a people pleaser, right? Making sure everyone's happy making sure everyone, everyone likes me. And it was a really,

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it was a really profound realization, I think I was like, in my 20s, I was going to a foreign class and one, one of the instructors said, you know, not everyone needs to except you or like, you know, and that was like that, for me was like, really, because I thought that was that was the that was the strategy. That was the goal. And realizing that you know, when you do take a stance, right, and that was at the time when maybe I wasn't asked practicing. So you know, when you're, when you're kind of on the fence, it's easy to win everyone's approval in a sense. But when you take a stance, and when you're, when you are upright with your beliefs and your principles, what you do what you

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don't do, then there's definitely going to be a group of people who will dislike you just for this for the sake that you're different, or you're choosing a different route. So I thought that was a very important lesson to learn. And I, you know, tried to teach that very early on to my kids, that it doesn't matter whether, you know, you're accepted or not, in the sense of, you know, doing things that are incorrect, always, always judge, according to your morals, not about all, you know, I'll do this, I'll be accepted because people's acceptance are really is just so superficial, so unnecessary, right? It feels good, right? It feels good to get peer approval. But in a sense, if we

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get the wrong approval that's really going to take us astray. So telling our kids that making them feel confident enough to not succumb to all the things that because you know, at this, at this stage, I think they're they're, they're having an identity crisis. They are afraid to say sometimes that they're Muslim, they don't want to come across as being practicing. They're afraid to say, you know, maybe I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't do these things because then they're even going to be more isolated. So we really have to put a lot of effort into their Islamic identity. You know, there's the Islamic identity and then there's also the idea of making them feel love making

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them feel confident making them feel like you know, we've got their back. But if we're

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against them, right if they see us as the enemy, and we're breaking down their self esteem, and we're kind of sending them off to the wolves fight, and they are so desperate, they're so desperate for attention. so desperate for

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acceptance. So, so desperate for love. So they will fall and they will do anything to get that. Right. And that's what these the young, you know, clients that I talked to, they repeatedly say, first of all, very strict household, I wasn't allowed to do anything. And this was, and they say, this is my escape, or this one guy said it was had an anger issue. And I'm sure it stemmed from the way the parents reacted by when parents are angry and yelling and screaming and hitting and doing all that, that's going to have an impact on the kids, the kids are going to pick up on that. So he had a major anger issue. And he's like, well, the way I cope with the anger issue is

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I smoke marijuana, so I get mellow, okay, but you're causing a bigger problem, right? You're trying to like the anger, man is not good anger management, we have other strategies to deal with anger, rather than just, you know, smoking. And, and what's interesting is that some people just, they'll say, oh, I'll never drink alcohol. But you know, I did my little bit of marijuana. And somehow it hasn't been, you know, very clear to them, that is just as haraam, the alcohol and the smoking. So sometimes even that needs to be clarified. Right. So I just feel that we need to really open up this discussion. And, you know, if, if their friends ask them if you know, their friends are struggling

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with any of this, but again, you have to create a safe environment, you have to let them feel that if they do share with you that you're not going to overreact, you're not going to get angry, they're not going to be punished is about I want to help you, right, and then being in tune with their friends is so critical, knowing who their friends are having them over, you know, letting them go to some of their friend's house, I really I don't, I don't believe in this. Like, the restrictions, there's so much restriction that the kid is just like, I can't take it anymore. Right. And that's what that girl said. And what did all that restriction do to her ended up marrying a drug dealer,

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okay? Because it's not, it wasn't helping her making, you know, we try to protect, protect, protect, keep them in a bubble, we're keeping them in this bubble. But guess what, that bubble is not going to last, it's going to burst, right? But if we empower them, we educate them, we and then we give them space, we give them some space, want to go to your friends? Sure, you know, like, get to know the parents know who they are, let them have an outlet. People know, outlet is kind of like pressure cooker. If you don't have that little outlet, what's going to happen is going to explode. Right. So that's one of the things I think we need to work on is give a little bit more space, a little bit

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more freedom, and then let them feel safe enough to share. Hi, so let's open up for questions if you have any. If you have any questions regarding this.

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Okay, so the question is, if, if the kids are already scared to share, how do you start, you really have to revolutionize the way that you're parenting them, okay, you need to go from being this authoritative. You do as I say, approach to you know, I, you know, I care for you, I spend time with you, there has to be this kind of sense of connection, right? Because if you have rules without a relationship, it leads to rebellion. If you are only giving out rules and going around like a surgeon do this, do that do this right now like some moms in the Allen community said where I'm a dictator at home they like

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a dictator, all I do is I just you know, are sorry to write a drill sergeant saying just do this do that. And you know, if that's all we are to our kids, then no way they'll open up right? But if you spend that time if you connect with them on a daily basis, and you say you know what, and then even coming clean, saying you know, I think I I've been a bit strict I haven't been very understanding I want to change my ways. You know, I was reading a post from from a sister she had come should come to stay in in Egypt for a while. And she just recently lost her mom. And it was a beautiful touching post that it was talking about how her mom once once a month, would

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have like a family meeting? And would come and say, What can I do to be a better mom. And that powerful by usually we have a power of family meetings. I, this is what's wrong with you, this is what you need to change. I'm really sick and tired of this right? But this is a family meeting about saying, How can I? How can I be better? What can I offer you? What am I not doing? Right? How many people do that? How many people won't care? Right? So if we are, so we've got to put ourselves out there, we have to be a bit vulnerable with our, with our kids. And we have to come clean take ownership of the fact that we've been doing things all wrong, it's okay. It's okay to admit that and

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they will respect you tremendously. Now, I had one client that she just, you know, as she would describe as she was, I was an angry monster, you know, just chew, chew out, my husband tried the kids, and they really just avoided her, they did not like her, all her relationships were broken. And so as you know, as she started therapy, and started working on herself, I said, you know, have a conversation with each person, let them know that you're working on this. And now you're trying to make a change. And so she did, she told them, and she modeled the correct behavior that mommy has, let's say, an anger issue, and I'm going to work on it, I'm getting help. And then they kind of like

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they were encouraging, they were very, very encouraging. And you let them know that you know, you're not perfect. You have, you know, we all are struggling with our issues. And I think like the you know, the old school is all about, like, I was perfect. I walked in the snow uphill both ways.

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And it's not about that, right. It's about like being being able to be vulnerable, and let them know. And once you start sharing and say, you know, I may have been a little about rethinking, I'm rethinking some of these things. I as a therapist, I'm constantly reevaluating the way I do things, because I don't just say, Oh, well, I've done this education. I already know what I'm doing. And that's enough. No, I'm constantly reevaluating, I'm constantly adjusting my parenting style, because I deal with people, you know, every single day. And you know, when you wonder, as you're raising your kids who wonder, I wonder how this method will affect the kids, I get to see the unresolved

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like, Whoa, not going that route, I'm not going to go that route, you know, and you just constantly can make changes, right. And so, a person has to always feel like they never know enough they have to continuously be studying, they always continuously have to be changing. And if we do that, then we can provide the right environment. And even if you mess up, even if you've made mistakes, it's okay, you just adjust it. Right. So I think coming clean taking ownership and and making some changes, and the other how do we discuss sensitive taboo topic with kids starting from a young age such as explain that smoking, drinking, and all that is cut off?

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You know, you need to just start by by just informing them that there are many things out there that you need to be careful with, right? You need to just like we we warn them about dangerous, right? Don't don't run into the street don't get close to the edge, right? We have to inform them if we don't, we are seen as very negligent parents, right? So in the same way, you have to have these discussions that, you know, there are things out there that are dangerous, just like running into the street is dangerous. You know, trying a cigarette is dangerous, or being with the group. And sometimes it's just that one friend.

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All these people is just like that one bad friend that just took them astray. So it's about teaching them also, you know, really be selective, be selective on who you spend time with. Don't just be so desperate for a friendship. And I think we as parents also need to provide a lot of opportunities for fun, right? Where's that fun factor? When I asked? I had a mother daughter therapy session, and I asked the mom, I'm like, so when was the last time you had fun with your dog. It's like fun. I have no time for fun. It's like, I am busy. I'm trying to get her to do her studies and do the cleaning. And, and she just she was very honest, because I I don't I don't even think about it. But

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we do have to think about that. Because if we're not, if we're not investing our time and our energy into the kids and having that fun, they're going to search for it. Right? Especially if they have low self esteem if we've already crushed them and broken them and you know, said all these horrible things to them that they're like, feeling horrible, then they're going to go all broken and the first person who comes

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up and says Hi,

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there, you know, oh, you're you're so pretty. That's it. They're gone. They're gone. It Yes, someone tells them Oh, you like

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the small compliment. Now I had this one girl tell me like the sky just simply, you know, that's it, that's all it took. You're pretty Whoa, show's gone. So in all the way with this guy just because

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she hadn't heard that before she her self esteem was so low, she never felt attractive. And it was always, you know, criticism parents and they're criticizing Oh, you're you're too fat or your, your scan Oh, this Oh, that. And so, first person who gave her a compliment she just totally gave herself? No.

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So we have our work cut out for us, we really have to see how we can build and not destroy? Let's see. How do we explain lifestyle to our children, which do not align with our Islamic principles in the context of living in countries where these lifestyles

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are prevalent? I guess? Well, no, it's always, it's really important to to recognize that we, you know, Allah has created us from different nations so that we can know one another. Right. And that part of part of this living in another nation, actually, it's, it's a beautiful lesson of tolerance, right. But it's also the only way that they can become a part of a society and not be in meshed by it or not drown in it is that they have to be strong individuals, right? Because if they don't feel good about themselves, and they come into a society that's so different, the first thing, they're gonna want to be like a chameleon and just change with the environment, right? So we really need to,

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you know, just educate them that, and that was something I really respect and my parents that, you know, they weren't, they were very, they were not strongly religious. And there's a lot of things that maybe they weren't emphasized the rituals, but they did instill that the love of the team, and self respect, I think that's the thing that saved me honestly, it wasn't, it wasn't all that rigorous. pounding up the ritual, the guy didn't have that. I didn't have that growing up. But it was that sense of self respect, because I respected myself, I would never want to engage in something that I, you know, I looked down on, right. And she would always say to me, before I went,

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everyone Remember, you know, remember your own Muslim. Remember your identity, remember to take the best from this society by and when you when you keep that in mind that you know, maintain who you are, maintain your identity. But also, because sometimes people are just like no isolate, okay? It's us against them. And it's not. And it's not a healthy attitude, people start talking negatively about the society that they're living in so much on, they're like, Oh, I'm not me, I'm going to school with them. These are nice people doesn't make sense. So they're like, Mom and Dad are completely off. I don't know what they're talking about.

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But when you look at it, when you are very fair, like there are a lot of good people, there are a lot of good things we can learn. And it's just a matter of putting things through putting things through a filter by making making really important choices and decisions.

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Any other questions? Is there a way back from having broken the kids and the relationships? Absolutely. There's always hope, right? That there is

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a characteristic of a moment is to be perpetually optimistic. Okay.

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You can't say I'm a mortal man.

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And like, life is just all about like, oh, everything's so hard. Everything's so horrible. Because then we are. That means we're not demonstrating that we believe that Allah is capable of all things, right? If you have a hopeless attitude,

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then you're not demonstrating being a true believer. Right? So absolutely. There's hope. And I believe I'm in the profession of change, right? If I believe that people can make a change, and it starts with you, right? It starts with you. You got to just realize regardless of what age your kids are, you can you can rebuild that relationship. I've seen it happen. You know, people in their 20s I had this lady actually she was in her 40s. And she just, she unfortunately because of the way she was treated unfairly because of all the criticism because of all the all the trauma

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She went through in her childhood, she hated her mom. So she comes into therapy, a lot of people, unfortunately do come into therapy because they hate their moms.

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Or they had a really bad relationship with their dad. And, and it's just a matter of you know what coming to realize that

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you have to be able to let go, you have to be able to make a change. Now that mom was too old to make any changes she was it had nothing to do with the therapy. So she had to work on herself. So if as a mom, you recognize that you're doing things wrong, then it's just a matter of you know, making those adjustments, admitting that admitting that you overreacted admitting that you were too strict admitting all that, then definitely, the kids will respect you so much. And you will teach them you will teach them that you know what

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a person can change. And that the woman I told you about that had, you know, she described herself as a monster. She redeemed herself she corrected every relationship with every person in her household Mashallah Tabata kala, and the kids learn, Oh, my gosh, you know, you could have, you can have a serious problem, and then change. How powerful of a life lesson is that? Rather than denying, I don't have a problem, right? You go change yourself, right? A lot of times people are living in that state of denial, and they just feel like there's nothing that they need to change. And so easy to put the blame is the kids have horrible kids. It's the husband, right? He's a horrible man. It's

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my wife, we just, you know, it's so easy to put the blame on whoever, but I would I have seen is when I work with individuals. And as they change themselves, then other people respond differently. And then they come to realize no matter how big the problem was, that the other people had, that they were complaining about, no matter how big the problem was, guess what, as they change, that person responds differently. So that's the powerful thing.

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And let me see if their sister How can we heal kids that come from a broken home

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healing kits that come from a broken home, you know, it's it's about a lot of a lot of love, a lot of acceptance, a lot of dialogue, a lot of time, if they can be healed, you know, I see grown adults come in, very wounded. And then they hear this one lady, she was European. And she came in, she had like a very narcissistic mom, who was just really negligent of her. And she came in very angry at her mom, and sapana, like, you know, through the, through the therapy session, and through the healing process, she really not only healed from that, but she accepted her mom, you know, and it's just so there's, there's a lot of work, but we have to, we have to first of all, admit it, work on

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it. Like you gotta roll up your sleeves. site, I always describe it as it's like a messy closet or a messy garage, it's not going to get cleaned up on its own. I wish.

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But you gotta, you got to get in there, you got to roll up your sleeves, you got to sweat, you got to deal with all the junk, gotta throw out the garbage. And then once the garbage is out, then you can organize right? And that's what emotionally A lot of times people are just it's like an emotional mess. They're a big mess. And it's just about getting rid of the junk, right, the junk emotions, and then just organizing how they feel, and accepting that everything happens for a reason.

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Let's see.

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Any other questions? My almost four year old is addicted to watching cartoons. You got me scared, I heard addicted and we were talking. Okay, cartoons were in the super safe. And he doesn't like cartoons. Talking about the teaching of the Koran. Okay, any helpful advice? Okay. When it comes to television, we really have to limit the exposure. Okay. A lot of parents are like, Oh, my child is addicted to

00:34:16--> 00:34:41

what is the PlayStation or whatever game it is? And I say, you know what kind of restrictions? Yeah, I don't have any. Okay. If you give free rein to your child, you can watch whatever you want, whenever you want. Obviously, they're going to choose to do that all the time. Right. So there has to be there has to be restrictions. I know like in our home, no TV, no PlayStation, none of that all week.

00:34:43--> 00:34:59

Okay, and and then they have it for a limited amount of time on the weekend. If you don't put the restrictions, of course, right. If you tell the kids eat whatever you want, do whatever you want. What are they going to chew they're not going to shower. They will go to school, they'll lead you know what chill

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And cookie, we as parents have a responsibility to put these restrictions as a way of protecting them. Okay, let's see. We talked about that. Any questions in the room here? Yes.

00:35:30--> 00:36:11

Okay, so the question is, how do we instill in our kids that it's okay not to be accepted by everyone. And because the teens, a lot of times, they just want to be accepted, they want to blend in and they don't want to stand out. So it all starts with, you know, building that self esteem they have, you have to make them feel good about themselves. And I really want all of you parents, although you tuning in and you hear in the room, you really ask yourself, the way you interact with your kids, the things that you tell them? Are you building them? Or are you breaking them? really seriously, because I find that with most of the parenting that I've seen, people are just breaking

00:36:11--> 00:36:49

them thinking that somehow I don't know what what the end result is end result is obedience. And that shouldn't be our ultimate goal. Right? So if you you build them, and you make them feel good and strong, feel good about who they are, then they can stand up and say, You know what, I don't want to have any part of this. I was exposed to so much from third grade, you know, I was in the public school all the way to graduate school. Explosive size, and I love protected me because I was able to distinguish the you know, what's right, what's wrong. And then also to recognize that

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I don't need I don't need that acceptance. But Alhamdulillah like, I received a lot of the acceptance from my peers, but I didn't have at the popularity, but I didn't have to do the things they were doing. All right.

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Everybody drink. It was so common, but they knew I don't drink. Everybody dated. It was the common thing. But they knew it. I didn't date and so it's but it became something special. Rather than being the oddball right? It was like,

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Okay, wow. Like, we can't easily get her or she doesn't do these things. So you have to make them feel good and special. About about being there. And I think that was that was another thing that my mom really instilled is like, yes, you're different, but you're special being special. I it's about being special. Not like you're a weirdo.

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So that you verbalizing it to them that way I think makes a big makes a big difference. Okay. Kids are not listening. They're quite young, seven and four timeouts, ticker charts, takeaway toys don't help. What should I do? They are, they are not listening. I think you need to ask yourself, like, if you're really spending time with your kids, a lot of the Rebellion comes from the fact that kids are frustrated, they don't have their parents attention. So you may, you may give them a lot, you may take them to activities, you may give, give give, and they're still not listening because that you haven't really worked on the relationship. Right? So we have to definitely make sure that we're

00:38:32--> 00:38:43

working on building building that rapport rather than just expecting them to listen and by by giving them things. Okay. Any Any other questions here? Yeah.

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Okay, so you're talking about your your son, right? knows some kids that come to the metro who may be on drugs, but he doesn't want to expose them actually. I think that's kind of it's admirable, okay. And I, I see that in my son. And I and I really respect that. They're not tattled. They're not tattletaling on them, like Oh, Mom, like some people, they can't wait to get some trash on someone into as Oh mom, guess what, like this person did? And it's it. Actually, it's not good, a HELOC? Right. And I think sometimes they model that behavior of their parents, the parents are could be very judgmental, and they point out this person that that and that person, you know, and and they

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think that that's the way to handle it. I actually think it's very admirable when when kids can

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See certain things distinguish that it's not good. And then not like expose the person. Right? Which so you just have to Don't insist on who it is. But just, you know, have that open dialogue and, and,

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you know, let them know how to handle situations when that that person is around.

00:40:23--> 00:40:24

Okay, what else?

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What are effective punishments for kids who talk back? How many people have that problem?

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Everybody raises their hand. Okay, talking back. Yeah.

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We used to do that.

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They always talk back to their parents, I was no way. I don't think I ever even said no to my parents. But anyway, yeah, this generation, they're just somehow really empower.

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And they feel that they can talk back, I think it's very important to always teach what's appropriate, what's inappropriate, and they need to lose certain privileges. And I think you need to withdraw a little bit, you know, and, and withdraw a little bit of that affection a little bit of like, I let them understand that this is not acceptable. Because guess what, if you don't do that, I was just having a session this week with with an individual who's describing someone in their family. Okay, that has is so entitled, so Moody, and everyone's like tiptoes around her, because they're so scared that Oh, my gosh, she's gonna freak out. She's gonna have a tantrum. And the

00:41:39--> 00:41:52

latest 30 years old, she's gonna have a tantrum. And she never learned consequences of her behavior, never, never learned. So everyone is like, okay, she's having a tantrum.

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You know, she acted rudely. Nothing happened. So now in life, she's going around very entitled, I can say anything, I can do anything. And, and doesn't feel any even shame, right? So if we don't teach from early on that there's a consequence, there's going to be like a little bit of like, love, it's going to be withheld in a sense that I don't like how you treated me, this is very disrespectful, you're going to lose your privileges. And, and there's a benefit to being good, right? Because if they do the bad thing, and you just go, you know,

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I'm very forgiving guy, as my nature is just to be able to be very forgiving. And I have to actually hold back on forgiving too quickly. Because I want them to I want them to learn and learn a lesson, you know, and it's so it's so funny, because I just have to be reminded, I'm okay, we still have to be on that term,

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to make it last a little bit longer, because they have to learn that there are consequences. Or as the next day they're going to go into a into a marriage, say and blurt out anything act anyway. And then guess why that may the men aren't going to tolerate that mother in law's not going to tolerate that it's not gonna tolerate it. Right. And they're going to end up in major issues.

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All right. We, I said that. I don't think there's going to be time to talk about the suicide maybe next time we will discuss that because I think we're pretty much out of time unless

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and let me see if there are any more questions. How can we realize when this bearing and depression are becoming dangerous in ourselves and others, so the point of suicide, okay, let's talk about suicide next time because that's like a big discussion. Okay.

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Anything else? Allah wants to do good favor to somebody he has given to them wisdom in their heart, guess wisdom, you know, Allah says that the one who has wisdom has been given a great reward, right? So we have to be if we don't have it, we need to pray for that wisdom because it doesn't come with degrees. It doesn't come with age, it doesn't come with religiosity, it really comes as a favor from a law so we need to pray for that wisdom all the time inshallah and just remember you know, Allah says in the four on one avenue one can be shy in unhealthy ways. You know, when oxen Min allamani Well, I'm fussy. What rod? Well, bashes soldering, you will be tested, you will be tested in

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everything in your life, whether it's loss of goods, whether it's loss of friendship, whether it's loss of finances, whatever it is, you are going to be tested with that and then give glad tidings to who those people who are patient by so whatever situation you're in, and I know for a fact that every single one of us in this room, every single one who's tuning in, is dealing with

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With some kind of dilemma, okay. And we have to just recognize that this is a test from Allah and just focus on passing the test focus on passing it. Because if you get caught up on why me Why does this have to have the Why do I have this horrible person in my life? Why is my mother in law so difficult? Why, you know, we could be about finances, you could be going through difficulty with that whatever it is that you're being challenged with, just know that it's actually a form of mercy.

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It is a mercy that you're going through the mercy. But it is because what usually happens when we are, let's say, heartbroken,

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we turn to Allah, right? I can't tell you the number of clients that I have, that they hit rock bottom, they're so sad, they're devastated. They've heard things about their husbands. I've heard things about their kids. I mean, horrible things happen to people, right? But what happens is that those situations, kind of like gently pushing the person towards a law. So if if, and this is how you can test whether what's happening to you is a punishment, or it's a mercy. If the test is getting you closer to a law, then it is a form of mercy. If it's getting you further away, they could be a punishment. So we want to make sure that we're always on that path of getting, you know,

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closer to Allah, even if it's difficult. Okay? So in sha Allah, May Allah give us all the strength, the patience, the wisdom that is required in raising our kids, and May Allah protect all of our kids from all the temptations that are out there, protect them from all the Hattem all the bad influences, and we have to continuously make doll for our kids, because if never give up hope, right? Never give up hope never think that is too late. I have seen people who are extremely desperate, like they were completely disappointed in their kids and in the choices they were making the friendships they had the things that they were doing. And then Subhanallah the power of prayer

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changed everything. Right. So but you have to do it consistently. You can't do like, I prayed to tahajjud no answer.

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I was expecting those yesterday What happened right we have to like continuously continuously are studying the Tafseer of sort of Bukhara the Frisco must not mine Annie Han and, but I think it was a beautiful reminder about how, you know, with hijab running from Safa and Marwa right i mean it really wasn't that logical because it was a desert there was no one there but she didn't give up she kept running from one mountaintop to the other mountaintop maybe she can see someone maybe she can find something she didn't go once and go There's no one here because we're gonna we're gonna starve to death there was that effort there was that you know going back and Allah waited seven times and

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then he let the miraculous some some water come right. And sometimes we like we try was not working right I know we give up. So we have to make that same we got to make that effort. And when we're sincere in our effort, and we've really given it our all, then that's when in a man or three you're struck, right? That ease comes with difficulty sometimes people translated as after difficulty comes ease knows math with and then I lost. The one difficulty comes with endless ease, right? So whatever you're going through right now, just know that this that like that one difficulty and an ally can open up and with you know, with the difficulty come ease. Sometimes it's just your heart softening,

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right? Sometimes it's the fact that becoming humble. Sometimes it's the fact of realizing you can't micromanage everything so shallow that like gives us all the strength and the power to carry on and be strong and optimistic. Try not to give up and and definitely put a lot of focus on raising our kids and

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protecting them from all that is out there and having those very difficult conversations