Channel: Haleh Banani
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Santa Monica, my name is Holly banani. And I will be your own personal psychologist on dawn TV, I will be discussing with you ways to improve your relationships how to attain happiness. So I would love for you to join me to learn more about these things. So
everyone is obsessed with the pursuit of happiness. There are movies and magazines, articles, and hundreds of books about how to become happy. And usually the messages if you have wealth, good looks and fame, then you will have the ultimate happiness. We will talk about each one of these subjects.
As far as wealth is concerned, well, most people think that if they acquire the house, the car, the designer clothes, the yacht, all the possessions then they will attain true happiness. But in reality, wealth is something that fluctuates, it fluctuates. And the more you have, the more you want to acquire. It's like the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that says that if the son of Adam was to have a whole value of gold, it wouldn't be enough, he would still want another value. So the more you have, the more you want to acquire. And there's also the stress of protecting the things that you have. Now, if each person pursues wealth in moderation, there's no
problem with this. But when it becomes your whole focus in life, when men become workaholics just to acquire more and more wealth, this is what the what the problem is. Now we're going to talk about good looks. Good looks is something that many women are obsessed about. They will compare themselves to the models and the the supermodels and the actresses, and they will start feeling very inadequate. And in trying to become better looking, they take some extreme measures. There are times when people become so obsessed with their look that they take extreme measures, they will do extreme makeovers and have reconstruct their whole body in order to reach this idea, which is very
unhealthy. There are also times when women have psychological disorders because they are so obsessed about their looks, and they will suffer from anorexia and bulimia. These two, the psychological disorders are something that plagues our youth, it plagues our youth and you will see women who are so beautiful and so young, and yet they are starving themselves in trying to attain something that is unattainable. I have worked with individuals in therapy, individuals that are lovely, beautiful and a size zero, and they still feel like they are fat. And so they starve themselves. And they're individuals who will eat and reach, regurgitate what they have eaten. And so this is this becomes a
real issue and you find that with looks. It's also very fleeting, it comes and goes. This is a result of low self esteem. When an individual feels good about themselves and feels that they have a lot to offer, then they will not be so obsessed with their looks. Something that I want to stress is that any of this done in moderation, looking good, and wanting to present yourself nicely. This is all fine. But the problem is when someone becomes obsessed with it. So taking care of ourselves exercising, eating well, there is no problem with that is actually encouraged. But when someone becomes completely focused on this and is obsessed with it, this is where the problem comes in. Now
we're going to talk about fame, and fame. Many people think that once they are well known, and everyone knows them, that's when they're going to be truly happy. And you see that those individuals who do have faith, they're like they're living in a fishbowl. Everyone is looking into their life and they have no peace. And if you think that well, good looks and same are the are the ingredients for happiness, then the actors and actresses should be like the happiest people in the world. And you see that in reality, they're not. They're very much. There. Many of them are depressed. They are suicidal, some of them are in drugs, because in reality, they have been disillusion, they thought
that by acquiring these things, they will be truly happy. They have it all, but yet they're still very, very unhappy. Now I'm going to talk to you about real lasting
happiness in order to attain real lasting happiness is to develop for critical relationships. That is your relationship with Allah, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others, and your relationship with the community. Now I'm going to tell you about the relationship with Allah. Because this is the most important relationship and it's a relationship based on submission and trust, we have to fully submit ourselves, and we have to put trust, how could Allah, we're made out of body and soul. And these are two vessels that we need to fill. Now we do very well with filling the body, we fill it with pizza and hamburger and cooked and we're here, and we don't have a problem
in this department. But it's with filling the soul. That's the problem that many times people have malnourished souls. And it is like an empty vessel that can only be filled with the love and devotion to Allah. I like to use the analogy of a gas tank, a gas tank can only be filled with gasoline. And if you put gasoline in it, the car goes. However, if you try to fill it with cappuccino with other drinks, you see that the car does not move, and our souls the same way. Many times people feel this void, and they try to fill it with wealth and good looks and fame and women and drugs and whatever it is to try to fill this void and yet they still feel the emptiness. And so
this is what we need to work on is to nourish our soul. I want to give you the example of when our soul is really nourished. And that is during Ramadan. Our soul is so content because we are reading baronne we are fasting we're praying tada we are reading baronne. And this is when we are feeling ecstasy, we're just feeling so content and peaceful. Even though we have not been sleeping we have not been eating but there is true contentment. The next way that we can get to establish this relationship with Allah is through obedience. Actually, when you love Allah, then you show it by being obedience. Love is equal to obedience. If you have a relationship, or your spouse is telling
you all day, like I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. But they don't listen to you, they don't do anything that you say, then this would be completely worthless. So if we love a lot, and we have to show it, and we have to show it by doing the things that he asks us to do. I'd like to give you another example. If you are a parent, and you are doing so many special things for your child, and you're getting them gifts, is it ever enough for them just to say thank you, but they don't listen to you. And they're completely disobedient? Of course not. We expect our kids to show their love by being obedient. And so when we do special things for them, the ultimate form of appreciation
would be that if they just listen, another way to work on this relationship with Allah is through righteous deeds. Because if you notice in the Quran, it always says, I'm a new I'm a lasala heart You don't see the avenue just by itself because it's never enough to just say, I believe and not take action, the belief and the actions need to go hand in hand and there has to be a congruency, a congruence between what you feel what you believe, and your actions in certain that I and I in the seven Allah says alphabet layman, a shape on a regime Bismillah R Rahman and Rahim men I'm in our soil.
Back and out Oh,
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home, I drove home via sunny America, New York Malou which says whoever works righteousness, whether male or female. While he is a true believer, we will verily give him a good life and we shall pay them a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do. So this is a promise from Allah, that if you are a believer and you do good deeds, then you will be fully rewarded. The next way to establish this relationship with Allah is through the remembrance of Allah Vicar of Allah. And that means by mentioning him mentioning God's name by glorifying him and this is what gives us the peace and serenity. Because Allah says in the Quran, alpha Lima shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman r
Rahim, who Allah De Anza Allah Sakina tofi kulu belimo many, so that it is he Allah that puts the serenity into the hearts of the believers. So there we go. If we want happiness, if we want serenity, then we can get it from Allah and by establishing this relationship with God.
Love. Allah says in the Quran in surah, two that is number 28. Allah, Allah he thought Toma Enola kulu that very early in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. And this current law, it's not only remembering Allah, but it's mentioning his name, it's glorifying him. And the way to be aware of this is by thinking that there's always a surveillance camera, and that you are being watched that everything that we do everything that we say, every single even thought that we have, is being recorded. And when we are aware of this, then it makes us be much more careful with our actions. And you see that sometimes if there's a surveillance camera and someone is working, they will be on
their best behavior, they will be tidying up, and they'll be very, very focused at work. But if there's no camera, they might be lounging and having a having a cup of tea thing on the phone. So this, this reminding ourselves that everything is being recorded, will make us be much more cautious of our actions. Another thing that we need to do is to remember that there is going to be accountability, when we think about the day of judgment and standing in the court of law and having to account for every single thing that we have done. This is what will make us be very cautious and careful in our actions. The next way to establish this relationship with Allah is through being
grateful. gratefulness is such a critical aspect of having this relationship with Allah. Actually, when I have clients that come in, and they're suffering from depression, one of the first things I tell them to do is make a list of all the things that they are grateful for basically having a grateful journal. And I asked for specifics, not just saying, I am grateful for my health, but basically going into details about I'm grateful for my eyes for being able to see, I'm grateful for my for my hearing, because I can hear the voices of my loved one, I'm grateful to be able to, to eat and to swallow and to walk and to do so many things. And when you start numerating, all the things
that you are, all the blessings that you have, and all the things that you're grateful for, you start feeling such deep appreciation and such happiness. When you go and you visit, the less fortunate and you see the conditions that they live in, then you are grateful for every little thing that you have. So we need to increase our Avada we need to increase visiting these individuals, so not only to help them out, but to help ourselves to feel more grateful for everything that we have.
I'd like to mention a Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam, which says that amazing is a matter of the believer, for all his affairs are good for him. If a bounty was bestowed on him, he thanks a lot for it and he is rewarded. If an affliction touches him, he observes patience, and he is rewarded, meaning that whatever happens, good or bad, he is rewarded, because if a good thing happens, let's say they get married, and you say, Alhamdulillah, you have a baby, say Alhamdulillah. If you lose your job, you still say Alhamdulillah. And you're still patient, because you know that this is all from Allah and Allah is Al Hakim, he is the most wise. And so when you know that he is
the most wise, you're much more accepting of everything that happens. And so every circumstance can be a way of acquiring rewards. Another way that we can improve our relationship with Allah is by making new commitments to him. And these commitments could be in reading the Quran more, praying more regularly, maybe praying the Sunnah possibly dress dressing more modestly lowering our gay. So these are all ways that we can make new commitments to Allah. The example I'd like to use is like a person going to the gym to sculpt their body, when you go to the gym, there has to be as the saying goes, No pain, no gain. So there has to be some effort, some striving in order to see results. And
that's the same thing with our acts of worship, that if we are making new commitments, then we will see the results. Imagine a big strong guy going into the gym and picking up a three pound weight. And they just do this all day. And this is not going to affect them. It's not good. They're not going to see any results. And that is what has happened to our a bar that sometimes the way we pray, it's so fast, we're not paying attention. We're not focusing, and it's just like that three pound dumbbell. So just like in the gym, you have to either increase the weight or the repetition in order to see results. We have to do something similar in our
badha in our worship, and that is to do more things make new commitments. And this way you always revive your mind. Please stay tuned. And we will be right back after these messages when we will be talking about your relationship with yourself.
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Dune satellite channel, welcome back. Now we're going to talk about the relationship with yourself. One of the first things that we need to do in establishing this relationship with ourselves is living a purposeful life. And that is finding your God given gifts, and using that to find purpose, and then to reach the ultimate purpose of worshiping Allah. So for example, you need to see what what do you excel in? Is it writing? Is it? Are you artistic? Are you a good speaker, whatever it is that you excel in naturally, take that and make it a purpose in your life, and use it as a way as a way to get closer to Allah and make it as a way of worshipping Allah. An important aspect of the
relationship with yourself is being able to control yourself and controlling your desires. So when we talk about how do you how do we gain control over our desires, we need to basically think about like the reward and the punishment. There's so much psychology embedded into the Quran. And you see that Allah is always encouraging us that those those who fight off their desires, those who are able to control themselves, they will be rewarded, and those who fall they fall into temptation, there will be consequences for their action. And in certain laws. That is number 40. Out of la mina shaytani r rajim Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim wa
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illa Allah, and this says that, but as for him who feared standing before his Lord, and restrain himself from impure evil desires, and less, verily paradise will be his abode. So the next time you're faced with some kind of temptation to look at things that you're not supposed to look at, or pursue things you're not supposed to do, think about this, first, think about the promise that Allah has made for those who control their desires. Now, I'd like to talk about a principle that guides us everything that we do is basically to gain pleasure, or to avoid pain, everything from the morning we wake up to when we go to sleep, it's all based on these two principles. So if you want to acquire
a certain behavior, or you want to stop a behavior, this is what we need to do. I'll give you the example. I've had clients who were smoking for maybe 15 years, and they want it to stop. And this is what I did with them is that you take the desired behavior, for instance, you want to stop smoking. So you have to link a lot of pleasure to this and associate a lot of pleasure to the fact of wanting to stop smoking. And so I would talk with them about how good their health will be how they live a longer life and how they will not smell and they will just the pictures of their lungs and how it looked like. So this created a lot of positive association, and even the confidence and happiness of
being able to overcome their their vice, then you link a lot of pain into the behavior that you want to change. So for instance, we you link pain to the fact of smoking you could you could have lung cancer, you could die young, and you will, you will not feel as as happy and confident about yourself. And by doing this and hamdulillah many clients were able to stop smoking, even though they were chained smokers. And so we can do this, for every behavior that we want to improve within ourselves is linked a lot of pleasure to what you want to attain, and then link a lot of pain to the thing you want to stop. Another way that we control ourselves is by controlling our anger. Our anger
is something that causes us to hurt people and commit a lot of sense. So by controlling it, we become a much more balanced individual. I am reminded of the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi Salaam, that when an individual came up to him and asked for his advices said, Pr Pr era pseudo law, please give me some advice. And he said Don't get angry. And again, he said, Okay, I want another advice, give me advice and he said, Do not
get angry. And again for the third time he asked give me yet another advice and he repeated, do not get angry. So this is telling us that it is so critical and so important for us to control ourselves not to blurt out because what happens is that we destroy a lot of relationships, when we do get angry with our, with our husbands, with our wives with our children, and sometimes it even sabotages our success at work. So we need to learn how can we control our anger. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam has given us many tips on how to control our anger basically says, changing positions will be a way to control our anger. If you're standing, sit down if you're sitting, lay down, and just to relax
and to change your mode. And this is called pattern interruption in psychology, if you interrupt your pattern, so if you're going down this, down this path of getting angry and losing your temper, you have to pause, say, alphabet lamina shaytani, r rajim, seek refuge from Allah from the shaytaan. And then to just calm yourself down. And basically, deep breathing is a way to be able to control your anger. When you take these deep breath, and you hold it and you do that maybe four or five times, even up to 10 times, you'll find that you become a lot calmer and you will not react. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam encouraged us not to argue. And he asked, Would you like to have lofty
palaces in Jannah? If someone was to ask you, would you want a brand new Villa for you? In atomia Heights? Would you want a villa in Beverly Hills? Who would say no to that everyone would want it? And so here's what you have to do just change one aspect of your behavior. And that is stop arguing, stop arguing, even when you know that you are right. And this is what the prophet sallallahu wasallam promised us that those people who give up arguing, and even though they know they're right, they will be promised lofty palaces in China. Another aspect of self control is controlling our reaction to events. How do you act? When something happens when something tragic happens? What is
your first reaction? If you're laid off? What is your first reaction. And this is very important, because when we have the acceptance of God's Word, and this is the destiny, if we accepted, then we need to submit. So if someone tells you that, for instance, you have some kind of illness, our first reaction should be Alhamdulillah. Because this is coming from the hikma of a lot. And if someone for instance, loses their job, you just have Hamdulillah, maybe there is another job waiting for you that is much better for you. And so it's so important to have this acceptance. And our reaction to to an event is very important. So there's the 9010 principle, which talks about that only 10% is the
circumstance and 90% is our reaction to the circumstance. So I'll give you an example. For instance, if someone is is late to work, or someone has coffee spilled on very important documents, what do you what do you do? Now, if someone has self control, they will just see it as this is not such a big deal. And they reprint the document and they move on. Now other people who don't have self control, and they lose it and you see that they get all flustered, they may yell at the people around them, they ruin their day just because of it incidents. So keep this in mind that 90% is your reaction. So don't blame the events in your life. So we talked about the different aspects of our
relationship with ourselves. We talked about living with purpose, we talked about self control. Now we're going to talk about being mindful, being mindful means being in the present in the here. And now. And that is actually the definition of a psychologically healthy person is a person who lives in the present. And you find that many people are either regretting the past, or they're anxious about the future, they will be thinking, why did I do this? I wish I hadn't done that. Or they will be anxious about oh my god, what if what if? What if I never get married? What if I don't have kids? What What am I going to do when my kids are in the university so there's always it being pulled in
these two different directions. But what we need to focus on is the present this is the only time that we have and this is how we can impact our life. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said that if affliction strikes never say if I had done so and so because this opens up the door of the shaitaan to do his work. So never think to yourself if I had just married bachelor number two
If I had just gotten this degree if I had just moved to this place, because this will make you completely in being in a state of anxiety, regretting the past or being anxious about the future.
Another aspect of building this relationship with yourself is acceptance. accept yourself, accept your path, accept your family, accept your looks. And I know that this is very hard for many of the females out there. And I challenge you to for instance, look in the mirror and see something and Sandham doula. And like what you see many times, women focus on my thighs too fat or my, my skin is too wrinkled. So I want you to get into the mode of accepting and accepting, let's say, your family members that these are people that Allah has chosen in your life, and accept the things that have happened in your life. Because when we attain acceptance, that's when we can truly be happy. We have
talked about living with purpose, about controlling your anger, controlling your desires, being mindful, and having acceptance for everything that happens in your life. And now we're going to talk about belief system for your belief system. And the the saying is, whatever your mind can perceive it can achieve, your mind will always support you, and you are always right. So whatever that you are thinking and believing, then that is what's going to happen. So that's why it's like a computer that you program. So you have to program yourself for success, you have to tell yourself that you are capable, and you need to build yourself up for every single success. What happens a lot of times
is that people do not utilize this and they have limiting beliefs. So this limiting belief could be that, Oh, I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not this. And I'm not that. And these are all limiting beliefs that prevents you from reaching your full potential. So we need to become very aware of what our belief systems are, and to make changes because many times these belief systems, they kind of develop haphazardly, we never sit down and think, okay, now I'm going to develop my belief system, you have an incident, maybe you get up and you talk in front of people, and you really mess up. So your belief system now is that you're a bad speaker. But you could work on this
and you can develop it, maybe you have a belief system that you didn't do very well at school. But it doesn't mean that you're not smart. So you just have to look at your belief systems and try to modify it. And what's amazing is that the mind cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not real. So the power of visualization really has a profound impact. They actually did a study on Olympic gold medalists. And they found that individuals who are very, very successful what they did, they were working out 12 hours a day they were practicing, whether it was skiing, or ice skating, whatever it was, they were doing that so you do have to put in the work and the effort and the
sweat. But what they also did is they spent time closing their eyes and visualizing their success. And they saw that this was a very key element in achieving their goals. So we can use the power of visualization, we can do this, for whatever we want to attain that you you can see before your eyes, the success, the achievements that you want to acquire. The last thing I would like to talk about in your relationship with yourself is self talk. self talk is the dialogue that we have with ourselves, we actually talk 600 words a minute to ourselves, and usually 85% of what we say is negative. And so what is this doing to us all this negativity is causing us not to reach our full potential to maybe
fail our exams maybe not do as well. So we need to become aware of this and try to change our self talk and try to make it all positive. Only make statements about yourself that are positive for instance, never say things like Oh, I'm so stupid. Oh, I can't believe I did that. Oh, that was so dumb. And because what we say our mind starts believing so we need to make statements that will help us to reach our full potential we can say things like I can do it, this is possible. I am strong enough smart enough. And these things will give us the the boost that we need to achieve our success. What I'd like to mention is that they care which is the remembrance the mentioning and
glorifying of Allah is also a form of positive self talk because when we are doing this, we are reflecting and all our blessings and it makes us so so much more grateful. So this is a way of
reminding ourselves of our blessings. So in summary, we discuss the two relationships in attaining happiness. And that was the relationship with Allah and the relationship with yourself. It was a pleasure to be here with you today. I hope that you will join me on the next episode, when I will discuss with you relationship with others and relationship with the community to attain complete happiness. Thank you
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