Channel: Haleh Banani
What is the most powerful thing in your marriage
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psycho psychological tips and spiritual support Bismillah was salat wa salam ala rasulillah. Its marriage mending Monday. And we need to figure out what is the most powerful thing in your marriage. And that is you, you are powerful. And you got to recognize the impact that you can have on your spouse, you even if you have the power to build your spouse up to give them their self esteem, to be a source of support and comfort. Or you can crush their self esteem, you can push them away and make them feel horrible about themselves. And most people don't recognize how much that they can impact their spouse. And those who know those who know the power that they have, what ends up happening is
that they use it against their spouse. So they use this power as a way to manipulate, they use it as a way of withholding sometimes they withhold intimacy to get what they want, or to teach their spouse the lesson. And this is not effective, this is not the right way to go about it. Knowing your power is recognizing that you can be a source of that comfort, you can be a source of that love for your spouse and not be sucked in into this wanting to punish your spouse. Now, I hear this every single day from my clients that they will tell me you know, I got really frustrated I, you know, I got very frustrated from my spouse. So I didn't respond to their messages. I gave them the cold
shoulder, I didn't respond to
their cell arms when they came home. You know, there's these passive aggressive behaviors. Some people do passive aggressive, where they're not responding, they're not picking up the phone, they see the caller ID they know it's their spouse, but they just choose not to answer it. And then there are some people who are outright aggressive, you know, I will have, you know, a spouse will admit that they they said really harsh things, they may have cussed out their spouse, they may have even gotten physical with them. And this is like some women have will get physical when they get upset. And this is this is a way that it's just will lead to destruction, it will lead to destruction to
heartache and accumulating so much sense, right? Because our spouse can be a way to Jen not if we deal with it in the correct way if we use this power as a way of connecting. Now I know that we all get to a point where we are we can get frustrated from our spouse, we can be disappointed we can you know and it's very natural to withhold or pull away. But what ends up happening that we you know, a lot of times when you try to punish your spouse wanting to teach them a lesson, what ends up happening is that they just realized, you know what, I'm not going to open up I'm going to shut down emotionally because you know, because the the silent treatment, the harshness, the getting physical,
all of these things, make a person doesn't make them learn a lesson and think I'm going to be so much better. Wow, I'm now really motivated to be my absolute best. No, it usually what happens is that the person is like, you know what, this is just it's just not worth it. This is such a headache. You know what I better just, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. I'm not gonna share. What is it getting me it's giving me just a lot of heartache. And it's a headache. Why? Why even open up. So one of the biggest complaints that people will express a lot of women will express is that their spouse doesn't share, they don't share their emotions they shut they have shut down. And a lot of
times, it is a result of that kind of punishment. It is the result of crushing the spouses self esteem, it is a result of withholding affection, it is a result of, you know, just using the power against your spouse. So when you learn when you learn that this is not effective, and you can actually use this period of time, even when you're frustrated doesn't mean that you have to you don't have to chew each other out. You don't have to be rude, you don't have to like stop talking. And I see the transformation with the clients that I have when they learn how to actually deal with the conflict when in the five pillars of marriage videos I give step by step on how to avoid
conflict what to do when you are in a conflict, how to solve it, and they will report that there's no more fighting and I'll ask them when was the last time you had a fight they don't even remember Mashallah Tabata cola. So you can learn how to cope with those
difficult situations because most people don't have good role models, they've gotten accustomed to their spouse or not just to their spouse, they've gotten accustomed to their parents yelling and screaming, maybe this is what they have been brought up with many clients will say, hey, by, this is how my parents were, doesn't make it right, just because he was someone that you know, they were, they were being abusive, they were being rude. And you saw that just because you see, that doesn't make it correct. So we need to learn the correct ways of doing things, we need to take that power back and use it as an opportunity even, you know, even when you're not happy with your spouse,
because the frustration is not going to end. I mean, it is an ongoing thing, you will have your good days, you will have your days that you're really frustrated and upset, but it's how you deal with those moments that will really define your marriage, because those determining moments, those, those are turning points in a relationship, because when you make a decision and you respond in a way that is harmful, that is insulting. That is that is very harsh, it's not going to be easy to take that back, it's very rarely that you can, you can repair damages like that. So take those opportunities as as an you know, as a time to connect as a time to be more understanding. And if you train
yourself to do that, you will see that you will gain the power back in your relationship and, and the power to connect and the power to make the relationship a source of a source of comfort and joy, not power to manipulate and power to punish because those ways of doing things is just it is an Islamic it is unappealing. And you just push your spouse completely away from you and they will shut down emotionally. So if you haven't already signed up for the five pillars of marriage program, you can learn step by step you know right now make that commitment. It's the beginning of the new year, I know that your marriage has gone through a lot working from home, maybe experiencing losses,
having the kids at home, it's been stressful for everybody some of the best relationships that I personally know have gone through their trials and tribulations, but make a commitment that you're going to learn the tools, the techniques to make your marriage better in 2021. And I can help you and I can give you the tools by watching short online lessons. And this comes from 20 years of professional experience and 24 years of personal experience of the law. And it will be a pleasure to help you as I've helped 1000s of people overcome their obstacles and finally find that source of peace and happiness in their homes. So please sign up for the five pillars of marriage.