Channel: Ebrahim Bham
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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah he Allah hilmi bada ilmi while if we bought the Potala T for salat wa salam wa sallam via you will mursaleen
early he was happy was seldom at the Sleeman kathira kathira Ahmed folder wilhemina shaytani rajim Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem. Here you will Idina hamano hanfu ser como la Polycom narrow sobre la la Zim
respected distinguished scholars, brothers, mothers and sisters and elders.
We thank Allah that Allah tala has gathered us here
to discuss and speak and listen to some of the challenges facing the oma.
My topic today is about parenting and parental control.
And while it might seem slightly different from what is broadly touted as a marriage conference, there is no doubt that parenting
is amongst one of the greatest challenges
that we have in today's time.
And I remember once reading a book, parenting isn't for cowards. And I think that holds true more in this day and age that you and I are living in
than perhaps in any time in human history.
We are aware with regard to what Allah has said in the Quran about parenting. There are several verses which Allah tala speaks about the responsibility of the parent.
In the second use of the Holy Quran, Allah Allah says waddle Moly maharal mooloolah, who risk una WorkKeys what who, who? Nabeel maruf
speaking about the financial responsibility of the parent, that it is upon the parent that they provide food and clothes for
So that is something that you and I are quite aware we regarded as a responsibility to provide for the financial needs of our children.
However, another need that sometimes you and I
do not take seriously but yet Allah has mentioned it.
Allah says in the Quran, WA more Allah COVID Salah was severely
learners, Allah Carrasco, Nora zoek. Command your family members to perform salah and be steadfast upon it. Now I wonder how many parents regard that as a parental responsibility. Yet it is a specific verse of the Quran. C'mon, your family to perform Salah. What more Allah cubby salat, the last page of the 16 Jews of the Holy Quran.
And while these are just broad guidelines,
about parental responsibility,
let us look at the challenges of parenting.
So there is this incident that one day a person came to Homer raviolo Clan was full of wisdom. And we all know humara. And we all know the greatness of Omar and Omar rhodiola when
the person came to complain about his children,
and said, My children do not listen to me. They are disobedient. And he gave
an incident of Omar complaining about his children.
So what are they allowed to call the children towards him.
And when he called them, he listened to the side of the story. And they came and said that our parents don't look after us. They don't give us any therapy. They don't speak to us, they don't have any time for us. So Maria Lutheran who called
the parent and said something which I will paraphrase,
show respect to be respected.
Respect your children for them to respect you in return.
Now, I'm not saying that we must respect in the same level and degree obviously there is a great difference in the respect that children are supposed to show to parents compared to what the other way around. However, if you do not give enough love, compassion, kindness to your children, then maybe it might be a faraway dream that they would respect
to you in return. So that is one aspect, one of the challenges, acknowledge your children, for them to respect you. Then another important point, which I think it's so important now, this phrase has been made famous by Stephen Covey. seek to understand before being understood,
seek to understand where a person is coming from, before you are understood,
you know, it's very important. So there is this incident about
a teacher who is teaching maths to a small grader, and trying to say now, put there in front of them, two apples, and another two apples, and said, Now tell me, how many apples do you have? You have two years.
And you have two there.
So obviously, two plus two is four. But repeatedly the child was saying five.
So the teacher was saying, How can it be five count to count 1234. So then the child turned over and said, I got one in my bag.
So that is why I got five. Now if you don't understand where the child is coming from, you will not be able to be understood. So Stephen Covey made this famous seek to understand before you understood, but it's the remarkable principle,
the pressure, the temptation, that challenges our young child. And normally when we talk about parenting and the challenges, we're not talking about, you know, small children, you know, when they are so cute, and they are so beautiful. And of course, we know our elders used to save, when children are small, they are small problems, and they are big, they are big problems. But we are all aware of that. Here we are talking about how do you deal with teenage children, and all of a sudden, those who used to be so cute, and they used to be so loving, and all of a sudden, we just see, you know, one more morning, you get up and all of a sudden you realize that no, now there's a different
breed out there is a different challenge out there they are not is they are still loving to us, we still love them. But we have to take it in another context. They are not like the cute puppy small child that they used to be. Now they are teenage children, even appearance wise, they've got acne, and they got all different types of problems. They're going through their own biological and hormonal challenges. So it's a different ballgame. So seek to understand, you know, social media, the type of information they ingest, is just too overwhelming. Sometimes, and we need to understand that if Facebook was a country, it would have been the most populous nation on Earth.
That is the type of interest we need to understand that and sometimes, as middle aged parents, you know, we don't tend to we don't tend to identify with the problems and challenges they are facing. And someone beautifully said you know, we who are middle age, we are very obedient generation. When we are small, we listen to our parents. Now when we are elderly, we listen to our children. So we are very, very obedient. Now, after this challenge. How do you how do you approach parenting? How do you approach parenting? How scholars have written that there are these four styles of parenting? Let us look at these four styles. One is a permissive style of parenting. So you have a type of setting
Elisa sphere type of attitude, I don't care whether they come late, don't come late. Whether they adopt a discipline don't adopt discipline, whether they reach Salah doesn't reach a soulmate is they live my life, let me read my own life the way it is. The other one is a free reign, you can do whatever you want to do. You just do whatever you want to do, I'll do whatever I want to do. That's a second way. The other one is perhaps in authoritarian why you do what I say. I don't want to break any type of questions from you. I told you 11 o'clock, you must sleep 10 o'clock you must sleep. You must be at the dinner table at this time. You must do this. Do it irrespective. I don't care what it
is youth has listened to me. Now too many elderly parents, and you know those who are maybe perhaps grandfathers now they will say, well, that is the way we were brought up men and it worked. It worked. But in today's time, you will find that maybe apparently it might work for a short period of time but you are also creating resentment. You're also creating a situation that where parents or children start feeling that they independence have been taken away. They are not being trusted. And that is also one of the challenges with regard to it. And perhaps one of the ways that I normally
Say that perhaps we should be looking at parenting in the day and age that you and I are living in, is to perhaps look at this idea of children when they grow up, they don't like to be regarded as children, they normally tell you don't treat me like a child. But at the same time, they're not adults. So perhaps, how do you find the right balance? And my suggestion, I'm not giving it as something that is, you know, gospel or something that is there, I think is just keeping in mind, the environment that we are staying in. People should perhaps consider this will give you freedom up to a particular limit.
Beyond this, you can go within this, I give you a certain degree of freedom. So what it does is, it doesn't leave children thinking that we can do whatever we want. yet, at the same time, give them a certain degree of independence, which teenage children cherish.
And maybe some people will say that is not the ideal. But many times we need to lose battles in order to win the war. And I'm just suggesting, out of the four styles of parenting that is out there, you know, that this is perhaps one of the things that we should be looking at that a control mechanism, that you allow freedom within a certain limit, and you don't allow it beyond a certain limit. And that is the getting the right balance between nurturing, loving, kindness, compassion, and setting limits. I will come to another myth that you know, too much discipline is harmful to the child, I will come to that inshallah. Now, one another aspect with regard to modern day parenting is
you need to be a good spouse to be a good parent. Children don't only listen, they also see, you know, and many times we say that, why don't you listen to me? Right? They are listening, they got ears, right? It's not a matter of not listening. It's a matter of obedience. So maybe we are confusing obedience with listening. So they do listen, unless of course, they need a hearing aid, which is not the case. So what we are saying is the children listen, but we are talking of obedience. But when you yourself, cannot treat your spouse well,
then that has an impact upon the upbringing of the children. So I think, to be a good spouse, to be a good parent, you need to be a good spouse, then you can be a good parent. I think it's very, very important. And talking about this different aspects. And, you know, parenting, maybe I will come to the statement of the ultra No. Now let me give you tips. I have half an hour. So I don't want to, you know, I want to go through some of tips that will help us in contemporary
settings with regard to how do we have parental control and how do we become good parents?
First, what I would like to say is, link our children to Allah subhanho wa Taala.
It's so important, because without some form of remembrance of Allah and linkage to Allah, that child will never ever find contentment. Allah in the Quran says Allah basically light.
Verily in the remembrance of Allah subhanho wa Taala will you find contentment,
you will not find contentment in material things. Obviously, we have to provide it as our responsibility. But you will find even with small children by them the best of toys and at the end of the day, they are tired of the toy. They want something else. So materialism and material aspects have never ever been the Sharia, and in human psychology have never been able to provide us with contentment.
And if we don't link our children to Allah, we are doing a great disservice to them.
We all know that maybe a cream sauce was an orphan
and maybe a cream sauce for them grew up without the loving care of his parents. His father passed away before his birth mother passed away in a very tragic situation when a via cream sauce them was coming back from Medina manohara on the way let me a cream so luckily, Amina passed away.
And then it was the slave woman who was worth who brings nemea cream sauce them to Makkah. Now Allah in the Quran has made mention of it. For wadjet aka 11,000 COVID a cover letter Naka has made mention with regard to our
lm ia jitka team and for how it may not find you and often and we protect it you the alumni have said and listen
To this point, with, with some sort of understanding the alumni have written, normally parents have great influence over their children in the way they think, the way they live their life. So therefore, the source element said every child is born upon a natural instinct for our who Yahoo, Danny Oh, you know, serani he, it is the parents who through training, who makes them either into a fire worship or into another particular faith. So the parents have a great influence. But in Libya, krimson wasallam situation, there was no parents. So Allah subhanho wa Taala, directly nurtured nebia Crimson Lotus, here, the Allah matelas link your children to Allah. Like, for example, I'll
give an example. Instead of telling your child to clean your room, be clean, keep your room tidy, because I want you to be so why don't we try and say, keep your room clean, because in Allah how you have more mutata hearin Allah loves those who are clean.
So instead of putting it up towards us, we link good qualities to Allah subhanho wa Taala. So that is one of the aspects. Another point is acknowledge your children, give them time, give them respect, give them acknowledgement. Remember, one thing, sometimes our children
need our presence, more than our presence.
They need our presence more than the presence we give them. And of course, you know, nowadays, you get in WhatsApp and all those times social media, you get all these, you know, beautiful incidents, and these, you know, hypothetical tales, which gives very good advice. So one of this goes like that, that the child, you know, the parent, never the father never used to give the child time when the child was craving for time. And, you know, one day tells us why don't you give me some time and the father said, you know, my time is so valuable. The way I earn in my company, you know, one of five minutes of my time is worth a couple of 1000 friends, a couple of 100 friends, you know, and
builds up enough money.
And one day he comes to his father and says,
you know, give me another 100 grand father said, you know, you have been covering me the whole day and still you want another 100 grand. So he you know, he rebukes a child, the child goes all goes back in the room and the father feels guilty comes back, gives him the 100 grand, and the child takes out some money from the bottom of his cushion and comes
and said, You said five minutes of your time is worth 500 friends.
Here's a 500 friend, spend five minutes with me.
Our children need our presence more than our presence. And this is something that we really need to be doing when we need. Sometimes a child you will see this with small children.
They would rather be noticed as a bad child then be ignored as a good child. So when you see for example, children, when the small sibling comes all of a sudden they're making previously they want to try that all of a sudden they're making a noise. All of a sudden they've been naughty. Why have they been naughty? You have given attention to the new child. They are craving
So they would rather be noticed as a bad child than be ignored as a good child.
Some of the tips make children part of your good deeds. So if you're gonna do good deeds make them part where do we learn this from the Quran? Ibrahim alayhi salatu was Salam tala to his son. Yeah, Buddha a niara Filmora honey alfonzo Ramada Tara, child is nine years of age. Oh my son I've seen in a dream
I'm slaughtering you.
Give me your opinion.
He Prime Minister I made no doubt that he was going to carry it out. But why did he tell his son is merill home My son is smile. I've seen the trim slaughtering you. Give me your opinion. Because he wanted to make the child part of the good deed of submitting to Allah tala. Even if you have to sacrifice your life
in a way that people said, Tell me I forget. Teach me I remember. involve me and I will learn involve your children in your good deeds.
It's something that many times we in our community we don't do enough, be an ideal role model.
You know, I can't overemphasize this, that children are all the time. They, I think our pipe you know previously in his talk
Don't worry the children never listen to you. But what is it they always watching you? So if you are not going to be an ideal role model, look at what Allah Allah in the Holy Quran says. One more Allah copy salat wa study Rania command your family to perform Salat but don't then wake them up for failure and then you go and sleep was earlier you also be steadfast upon it. So barnala be an ideal role model with regard to it. And a very important point a time will come there are different situations with regard to our our time the one point that is very important is being approachable friend, be an approachable friend I scholars have come to South Africa, people who might get the
greatest regard as great scholars, Mufti Muhammad sobre, la Haji Pharaoh, they used to say, make your children your friend, and there's a statement of Allah. When alira Viola with Ramos said
Laurie boom disappear in play with your children for seven years.
At the boom, in, discipline them for seven years. Hunley looby, seven, they after befriend them. And I would just like to say that we must have such a relationship with our children, that if for example, they do something negative. The first port of call for them would be the parents. The first port of call will not be the friends will be the parents. Another tip that I would like to say encouragement is a buzzword. We cannot shout down oldest to them in an era in which there is so much freedom around there's so much temptation, there's so much desires. We're going to have to encourage them to do good deeds. Well merona wamena bavuma Olia aka, Allah says the believing male and females
are protectors of one another, they help one another in what
they command people to do good. They prevent them from evil, they tell them to perform Salah they tell them to obey Allah Rasool. So if that is with regard to the broader community more so with your children, protect and help them doing good deeds. You know, there's a beautiful example, Queen Luna one young Sahabi in the time of nebbia, Kareem saw some what he used to do, he used to come late to the prayers and now trying to catch the record. You know, many times you do this, and especially those who go for Serato Jamaat will understand. You see the mom is about is going into Roku, and you hit the bazooka, now you want to catch it Roku, and you don't want to miss the Salah. So while
you're running, you make Allahu Akbar,
you make Allahu Akbar. And then you make a number and you run in parallel, and then you just get the Roku. So you making a lot of work, but four or five steps behind, and you get into the Jamaat and you just get into the ruku someone came in telenovela cream salsa, the Sami does this as youngster is doing this?
Now I know what we would have done. Don't you know that according to this particular book, it is makrooh and harmful to do such a thing. What it never saw silom say,
oh my son, May Allah increase you in your enthusiasm. For next time, don't do so.
May Allah increase you in your enthusiasm for next time don't do so. The fact that you are running to get the salad and the record shows a certain degree of enthusiasm for increased enthusiasm for next time don't do so instill in your child confidence. I can't over emphasize this. I'm not saying confidence in terms of pride.
But confidence in his teachings confidence in his Deen confidence in his value.
We all worry about peer pressure. I don't need to go into the the disadvantages of peer pressure. But I will say one thing. A confident child is more likely to resist negative peer pressure than one who is not confident in his own values.
So learn to instill in your child's confidence rather give him confidence and to make him a person of lower self esteem. Because if you're going to make him someone who was so low self esteem, all the time in the home, you are knocking him down you are telling him how bad he is. You have to tell him how how negative he is. When is he going to hear something positive from his friends is going to go there while I was doing some research once on drug drugs. You know, I spoke to someone who was counseling and they spoke to some child who was gone and given into into that company. So the counselor as the child, why are you going in that company?
Parents I want you to listen to the answer. They make me feel good.
They make me feel good about myself. That is why I'm going there. Make your children feel good about themselves. They will be more likely to resist the abuse.
fresher than those who do not have, you know, type of
confidence. I'm coming to the conclusion inshallah I don't know, I think I've got five minutes. This is too too much I want to discuss with regard to parenting. One is this tip many times we feel, and many times we hear people saying, too much discipline and being too hard upon children causes rebellion.
Yes, too much discipline might cause rebellion. But too little discipline also causes rebellion.
It's frightening for child to, to think that he is without any type of discipline. Too little discipline causes rebellion. Just as too much discipline causes rebellion. Maybe the right formula is like how people said bringing up your children is like a weird bow. So catch it too loosely, it falls out of your hand, catch it too tightly, it falls out of your head, get the right balance. I'm going to conclude there's one more month that I would have loved to have address. No, we feel outside influence is not much of a concern. If the home is good, yes, perhaps to an extent. But we always children are like budding plants in the way if you bring up a budding plant used to protect
it from the elements, we have to protect our children from outside influence. Lastly,
I'm finished with this particular notes. Let me give you an example of what Allah in the Quran had said.
Yeah, you will livina hamanako and fusa kumala coonara. Who you who believe, save yourself and your family members from the fire of Jana. This is a Quranic ayat, hen, let me give you an example. Melanie never ever let it happen to someone. Right? You you coming to home one day you driving home and all of a sudden you see that there is a fire near where you are staying. You feel that is not my house must be one of the neighbor's house because we feel that things hasn't happened to us. And all of a sudden you come closer you realize it could be my house. You now rush and you're worried when you come near you actually realize it is your house on fire. Now, you know you put all caution to
the wind, irrespective of what happened, what is going to happen. You come near the police have cordoned off the area. And when they have cordoned off the area you come in said I'm the owner of the house. Are you are you worried about your wife and your three children?
You see your two children and your wife safe outside the house. You worry about the third child.
And the third you see him waving from one of the windows of the house.
And he said Father, oh my parent chase saved me. But what will you do at that stage? May Allah protect us? I know what I will do. He'll throw caution to the wind to try and protect my child.
Respected parents. That is a worldly example.
The fire of jahannam is worse.
And when we read this if
he respects irrespective of the challenge
as parents that is our responsibility.
Believers, save yourself and your children from the fire of Jana. When Yusuf alayhi salatu was Salam came back to his son, his father jacobellis rato Salam and jacobellis Ram came to know it Yusuf Ali Salam is alive.
So he asked, How is my Yousuf
so they said
Yusuf is a king of Egypt.
So jacoba Islam said,
I am not asking you
if he is the king of Egypt. I'm asking you.
What is the state of Islam and
I'm asking you what is the state of Islam?
That is the parental control and responsibility. It's a tremendous, tremendous responsibility. May Allah Allah make it easy for all of us
to fulfill that responsibility, walk through da da da da