Marriage Mistakes

Long hair.

All right as salaam alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam warband. It's such an honor and a privilege once again and hamdulillah to connect, I didn't miss you guys, you know those who have been with me in the previous two days, two sessions. But I know our dear sister, man, he must have given you a wonderful, wonderful experience. I've been reading a lot of the commentary that's been on the Facebook page. And it's been an incredible

journey so far for many, many people. And I pray that Allah subhana wa Taala continues to maintain his favor upon us, to fill our homes with Sakina, to put his divine light into our hearts, and to grant us He died on account of our intent that we can follow through with righteous deeds for ourselves, our homes, our families, and our communities. A lot of them I mean, to those of you in America, I know you're holding tight May Allah grant you ease and May Allah make it easy for all of us. A lot of them I mean, Allah Subhana home with Allah favors all with his mercy. So the topic is a really difficult topic, because nobody really wants to speak about

why marriages go bad, it's like, you always want to kind of try to begin by saying, These are some of the things you can do, and how to avoid them. Actually, if you've ever taken any, any of the courses that I've done, especially that relate to couples and marriages and things like that, I actually do a list of how to ruin a good marriage, brothers guide and assisters guide. And I actually take that very pessimistic perspective of it's always really important for us to know where danger lies, so that we can do our best to avoid it as best as possible. And that's actually something that you see in the student of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, and from the habit that he

cultivated in some of his Sahaba. So the keeper of the secret and the secrets of the prophets, I seldom is the Grateful happy who they for him nearly a man or the Allahu anhu, Allah saw him who said, we are also the law, the prophets, I seldom valued him and his trustworthiness to such a degree, that he actually mentioned to him the name of all of the hypocrites to the point that the people in Medina, they wouldn't pray somehow to janazah until they saw Jose, who they followed the Allahu anhu in attendance, which would confirm that he was that this person wasn't from those who were mentioned by the prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi

wasallam as being written off, so it can't he he would ask the property would say people would ask about how to do good things. But I would ask the prophets, I tell them about a shower, what are the pitfalls, what is evil? And what are the things that I need to be distant from. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would give him advice of the things that you should be in avoidance of. And he said, Madhava, tin and coffee, I only asked about the things because I feared that I would fall prey to them. And I think that becomes a really important place to begin. So I'm going to say something, and I want you to just think about it for a second. And allow me to kind of go with it in

sha Allah.

I believe that all marriages, there comes a point in time, where people question whether they made a mistake. Like at some point in time, they're come to this point of realization and, and in fact, some merits therapists they call it you know, in the phases, they call it the phase of disappointment, or the phase of where you wake up from your honeymoon, or, you know, you find you put yourself in and say, Oh, my Allah is this is this as good as it's gonna get is this is this is who I have. This is who he is, this is who she is. This is my life. And all marriages at one point or another, there's that key critical point where you believe Wait a second, maybe I made a mistake.

And that's where some couples are more successful than others in being able to repair the mistake. So being able to repair the things that make them say, Oh, I made a mistake or what what am I doing here are and they learn them to adapt and change the perspective that they had of what they thought marriage should be.

Like in their fancy and in their mind before they got married. So all of us, we built this picture of what the wedding should be like and what you know, your bride is going to be like your groom, what you're going to get for your dowry, and, you know, your you know, whether your parents are going to be with, you know, you, you, you kind of have a built on picture and when we wake up, you know, he's gonna make me breakfast in bed and he'll kiss me on my forehead before he goes to work and all these kind of wonderful things that we kind of assume that then we wake up and say, Oh, my Allah, right?

Somebody's got to change the dirty diaper the nappy, you know, what, what were what am I doing here? So we need to kind of consider that each and every happily married person, including Mohammed sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came to a point where there was tension and conflict, that even in the life of the prophets, I seldom manifested to a degree, that he actually had a cooling off period from his spouses for 30 days, like not not not an hour, or two, or a day or more, but 30 days. So all I tell him, and that's documented in the sooner. So when we say that there are marriage mistakes, absolutely, there are marriage mistakes, and there are moments where we acknowledge them,

and then we make a commitment to either repair our part of the mistake or assist the aggrieved party to also be able to repair it. See, one of the things that you know, some kind of law I I've had to learn, all of us will have to learn that it's one thing that I believe somebody made a mistake, it's another thing that I allow them the opportunity, the tools, the time, the ability to correct it, to repair it, to work through it. And, you know, we always assume that, you know, people should just know what to do and how to do it. And if I know, why don't they know. And of course, those are some of the false assumptions. So I want that to be a consideration that we have.

At the same time, I also want you to know that in our faith, divorce is Hello. And I don't want to, you know, I don't want to begin with by speaking about divorce, and your irrevocable differences and so on. But you know, when people ask me Shut up, when is recovery impossible? To me, one of the answers is when all respect and admiration are absent, and in their place is contempt, and a lack of appreciation and a lack of desire to show any mercy, you're on that path of not being able to recover. As long as there is respect, there is a lessening of contempt, there are attempts at repair, there are bids to, to try, there's, you know, there's a desire to move forward to get out of

where the rut that we're at, as a loss as in the portal, an E URI that Islam and if they wish to, to rectify it, to fix it, you will have the level of a now from Allah will bring tofi Allah will grant his blessing for it to move forward.

So what are the four, and I'm only only going to limit it in these 15, you know, minutes left to four death sentences, especially if you gather them together, you know, one or two, maybe manageable, but three, four, and you put them together, then we're heading down the wrong direction. So let's speak about point number one, the big c it's called criticism that you're just constant. You're just you're always finding fault. And it's not that you don't see that positivity. No, it's just you because you've gotten to that habit of just being criticizing and you might say, Oh, well, how is she? or How is he going to know that? These are things they need to change? There's a

difference between being an unending barrage of negative constant critical criticism

that it's just unending. And Allah subhanho wa Taala, you know, through the student of the prophets, I seldom gives us tools to overcome it and warns us about this. In fact, the prophets I seldom is warned about this. Allah says that I built in you Yeah, Mohammed salatu salam I caused for you to be one odo solo so I sell them who is merciful in your heart, and that you're

tongue is not sharp when no couldn't afford a little olive oil called had you been hard hearted, unable to just move if you were remained a stone wall had you remain hard hearted and sharp tongues criticizing all the time just criticizing lympha bloom and how long they would disband from you. I want you to kind of pick a picture could you ever picture that elbow buckle so do Canadian law one who would turn his back upon the prophets I send them would walk away and would say I give up and I'm, I'm no longer interested in being you know, we view or believing in you. A lot tells you that would have happened if those two things were present, a harshness and heart inability to forgive

unbendable and to criticizing consistent criticism.

It turns even the likes of a Cydia would have turned him away from our Navy Mohamed Salah Hardison. The second big C is contempt. And you know, there's a saying in English where they say familiarity breeds contempt, where you become overly familiar, especially with the faults of another, you can grow to becoming more content contemptible. And contempt is where there it's not just sarcasm. It's not just criticism. It's that deep down, there's a level of resentment, a level of hostility, a level I palpable felt level of dislike for another. And contempt could be for particular parts of a person's personality or particular traits that they have. But when you have that contempt, it

pollutes everything else. And therefore the profit is lm says, Be smart. Don't let any man don't let any one of you as believing men see something that they dislike from their wife from their spouse. And that they just focus on that, that it builds contempt in a minute, if you see something you don't like, don't focus on it to such a degree that it builds contempt look to something you do like, because it's an injustice, it's an impossibility, that any person is just seeing negative, just seeing things that are not right. So that level of criticism, builds and results in contempt. Now, what does that breed on the other side, defensiveness, if I'm always being criticized, and if I

feel that there's levels of contempt that's beginning to grow, it immediately puts another the opposite side on the defensive, it makes you extra sensitive, it makes you extra wary, it makes you lacking in trust that makes you always, you know, feeling under siege, which puts a significant a significant toll on your mental health, which keeps you awake at night, which makes you grumpy in the morning, which makes you irritable with your children which causes greater instability, which breeds more criticism which it becomes an unending cycle of criticism leading to contempt making defensiveness which makes more criticism and therefore, you have a complete erosion implosion of any

sense of familiarity, happiness, and joy that can be found in such a relationship. The fourth and final

is stonewalling which I alluded to earlier, where a person you know, just they just put an edifice, a wall, a stone, you know, their heart becomes hard. And you know, men to Pamela, they can be very quick to be to tune out,

you know, their wife or a spouse who just continues badgering them, criticizing them, you know, picking and you know, you know, keep pulling at the scab. And that becomes something that the prophets I send them as we said, a lot protected him from having that trait. And Alo warns us in the end that there are those whose hearts become like stone, bell eyeshadow, cassava, in fact, they can become more than stone. When a nominal Hey, Java, in fact, you can find from stone there can be good things like water can emerge from them, it can split the rock and you can find a spring and you can find life and you know, something can grow from rock, but a heart that has become Stone, no good can

reside in it. And that's what Allah warns us about. between ourselves and our spouses. Not to allow bitterness to make our heart can level one or level two being that they have a rusting and a veil over them which becomes a rusting in their relationship with a lot. So how do we kind of put all this together we'll listen to how Allah says

kinda went to Allah warns us about hard hearts warns us that the plan will not penetrate a hard heart. Meaning that the Quran the word of Allah when you come to speak to that husband to that wife and you say to them, it tequila, what the result of using fear Allah is Allah says to us, that too lazy to Bill, if it causes you to say to them when you say to them, keep conscious of your Lord be, even if you don't love me at least deal with me with justice in the way that, you know, God is watching you, that makes them rebel against the law and makes them even more hard hearted, and their pride overcomes them to lead them further into sin.

You'll hear things like Subhanallah, I'm okay, Chef, I'm okay. But there's a problem, you know, you got to speak to my husband, there's just something wrong with him. Okay, you're okay. There's nothing wrong with you. That it's only unilateral. Yeah,

you'll hear things like especially when you're, you know, you're sitting at, you know, Chef, if you can reach him, if you can reach her, if you can help me shape them or fix them. And usually, that's kind of the understanding the coming to it with, if you can somehow, you know, let them understand what they're doing wrong. And sometimes in my sessions, I'll get those notes, shares if you can emphasize this point, because my husband sitting here, and I want him to know he's doing this wrong, right? You know, fix this. If you can fix him, if you can fix her, then our marriage will be fine. But that's not how it works. Because that's part of building on to those four contemptible things,

criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone becoming like a stone wall, in your relationship. Those are, of course, things that can be easily fixed. If one learns and becomes equipped with the right tools, like if you learn how to fight with your spouse, it's a healthy thing, because it allows you to air grievances. It allows you to speak in respectful ways. It allows your relationship to grow stronger, because you've resolved something, if you're able to understand through the tools that you learn through, you know, good communication skills, that you can learn how to use those particular skills, how to mirror your partner, so that you can make them feel that you're listening

to them. When you when you've had this problem of them feeling you don't listen to them, I can, you know, you can learn how to actively listen, there are skills that we can help you acquire. And, you know, building a marriage that leads you to Agenda requires a relationship that grows as differences are reconciled. It's a fact, it's a fact that you become a happier couple after conflict, because you've been able to resolve it or after conflict that can't be resolved. Like, there's nothing you can do, that's going to change your mother in law. For example, just say, your mother in law you and heard, they know, you can't, you're not going to be able to resolve that you have a mother in law,

May Allah give her a long life. Right? It's not going to be resolved. But you can be taught how to deal with a negative mother in law who's criticizing contentful makes you defensive and makes you put up a stone wall, we can teach you how to do that, which will make the relationship between your husband or your wife grow stronger on account of you overcoming that challenge. problems often develop during times of transition, transitioning from singlehood to, you know, martial law living together, transitioning with the birth of their first child, second child, as your child goes to school. As you go back to work, if you are taking time off to be with your children transition, so

many transitions, they all are points of contact them points of friction. And as a fact that these are there are tools that you can adopt and be taught that can make those moments reasons for you to enter agenda. Like I can teach you how to fight with, you know, we can teach you how to fight with your husband how to have conflict with your husband how to have conflict with your wife, and that that conflict is resolved in a way that makes you a step closer to gender is incredible. So no don't get excited and say Oh man, I can't wait for the next fight man. We're getting to them a quick brush if Yeah, I didn't know that, you know, conflicts gets you the agenda. Quick, man. We must be already

in China right now. So you know there's a method to it. And there were so many points of conflict where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam led Asia led Khadija led you know, there would be conflict between these wives with each other. I Isha would say something about Sophia and your life or Anna. That would make Sophia heartbroken. Sophia one day comes to the prophets. I sell them and she was from a Jewish and

History right? And she had entered into Islam and is the wife of the Prophet I sell them. And some of the wives of the prophets I send them they would say, listen, your parents, they were they were people who were yahood. They were people who worshiped, you know who were Jewish and they used to fight against the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And Sophia came to the prophesized seven she was upset. She said, O Messenger of Allah, they curse me about you know, they were they put down my parents who had you know, and the prophets I send them say to them, my great grandfather was musante, a Salaam and my uncle was Harun as I Whoa, back up, right. So the prophets of Allah, it was

that there were moments of conflict, and he would resolve it, and he will, you know, there's a system to the pseudoknot to be on the sooner and learn that system becomes invaluable. It leads you in the footsteps of the prophets, I send him to where he is, Jenna took photos, may Allah make us of them. And happy marriage I want you to understand, is good for your health. There's this wonderful video, it's a TEDx talk by one of the professors at Harvard University. It's the longest study that Harvard University has done, they wanted to follow people throughout their life from when they were, you know, 20 years old, until they eventually passed away. This study has been going on for 6070,

maybe 80 years. And every year, they'll give them a questionnaire and they just want to see what has kept certain people living longer and what is you know, who's lived longer and why and the one key component, that those who had a good quality of life by having a happy, home life happy relationship connections with others, were those who had the best health had the best physical health. And that's logical. That's very logical for us. Because stress is a physical manifestation of that which is in our thoughts that which in our experiences, your heart grows weaker with stress.

Your body grows weaker with lack of sleep with emotional upturns, may Allah subhanho wa Taala, remove those from us. Now, of course, I'm speaking in a very important generality with that, where we're speaking about those who are not battling mental health issues that need clinical support, and so many other things. And I want this to be something that you know, I speak to you really inviting you to a marriage that leads to Agenda through study, through knowledge, and through a dedicated process of practice. So when we say that there are marriage mistakes at Yes, absolutely. And we need to identify them and learn them. That becomes the first step. It's almost like in our in our heat,

in our belief in Allah, we say that Elijah, we remove all of these things, we we remove all of this *, we know why we don't believe in these things. So that then we can be fully comprehensive in our belief of Illa Allah of Allah subhanaw taala. So you need to know what are all these things at the test sfia must come before Tel Aviv that the methodology of Allah sooner is that we purify tinsukia to nestel sphere to remove all that is adulterated all that is unnecessary. All that is mistake. All that is sinful, all that should not be found in our household, and then put in its place the teta via an educator process that increases prosperity increases happiness, blesses and

fulfills our home with goodness, I love them. I mean, and I want to end in sha Allah by saying

that of the greatest ways of earning a law's pleasure is by establishing a balanced home life. Look at all the things that prophets I seldom said. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Never Is there a morsel of food placed by a husband in his wife's mouth, except it's charity. The prophets I seldom said up barafu sada. The charity that has the greatest Baraka is infallible Marianna is where a husband spends on his wife, sisters love this highest chef that Bahati like, you know, let me write that down. Give me the Arabic for that chef, right. You know, when you're, your spouse shows that level of kindness. Number three, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said hi eurocom

eurocom lately, the best of you is the best of you conduct to your family. hydrocal means best of you as is as as is known and seen by Allah as judged by a lot, not by our scales is judged in the heavens. Right. All of this indicates to us that you know to fulfill the obligations

Dean, half of it is through our marital life and the collaboration that we have with each other. So when Allah Subhana Allah says what are our norrland beware tuffa assist one another to righteousness. He's speaking in particular about you and your spouse. When Allah subhanho wa Taala asks us to make this drop in the Koran, where the door of the righteous has always been Ron banner ad teen effing Jr, hustler? Well, Phil airfilter hustler we'll see now, but now that do I have to live near my best says it is asking a law for happiness in your home between you and your spouse, or loved ones good in this life between my wife and I. And allow me to marry someone who I'm going to

have a good life with. What Phil absolutely has an outlet, my life with my spouse be the reason that will bring me to Jenna.

You're going to run Matt law protects us, Adam. I'm going to run away from my wife on the Day of Judgment you're going to do the same she's going to run from you. Allah Subhana Allah says your way of funeral model woman Effie you're going to run away from your brother will only he will be your mother and your father while slaw he met he and your spouse, your wife, you're going to flee you're going to be like I don't want to if she catches me up in trouble, because I gave her a tough time man I I didn't stand I didn't do it right. She's gonna run away from you because she's like la la de la. This guy catches me I'm in trouble. Right? May Allah Subhana Allah protect us. And may Allah

make us those who are building our marriages on top quad, building our marriages on contentment, leading each other in a path through our marriage to Jenna Aloma me