Tap into your potential – 06.06.2013

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Edris Khamissa

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Cisco in 18 minutes after 11 A salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Mr. Mohammed Welcome to our mashreq on radio Islam international it is Thursday morning, and it is the day where we cross over to Durban to be joined by our esteemed guest brother Idris camisa. But before we go on to speaking to Idris Bae, I would just like to express my condolences to the Wadi family of Roberta May Allah subhanaw taala Clanton Saba in destroying investing time and the loss of the mother

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and must have handled on a grant her gender Phil Phil Dawson. I'd like to just clarify the minute announcement. It is the mayor of mahoma robbia Wadi. She is the wife of the smart Wadi, the janaza will be picked up at 8pm from the house. The address is six houses street corner tiles, St. Robert gym, six houses street corner, tile Street, Robertson, and beach another we'll be proceeding to the Nucleic cover of Stan Genesis and that will be at 8:30pm at the nuclear sacristan and inshallah, this correct announcement will go out at 12 o'clock as well. inshallah. Rosie's coming back to our program this morning. We welcome our esteemed guest all the way from Durban for the Idris camisa

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Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh walaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh How are you my beloved Maulana I am very very well and hamdulillah unless you can increase by how are you keeping? I'm very well we cannot thank Allah for Allah have mercy. What a beautiful sunny a wintry day in Durban. I went out as jobs a bit and hamdulillah I feel you know, about 50 year old valina

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It is very,

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very promising you You're quite young and you fresh him and you feeling also that young. I feel hungry life is so young. So from the age of 25. Now you're feeling that you're 20

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what they say they say growing old is natural. But growing up is optional. You know?

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I haven't grown up yet. Mashallah. Mashallah. Mashallah keep you young at heart? Amina Minami.

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It is by this is where you you hear heard me making the announcement. It is a serious, serious eye opener for us all. And this very valuable person in the family. And in fact, she is my brother's mother in law. Very, very valuable person, in our family, much loved by many, many people, and always had a warm, welcoming way to hell with everybody. And it really teaches us how to value those people in our lives and how important it is to value people before they leave us

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just a few days ago, just a few days ago, and in a sudden, serious illness just a few days ago. And this morning The news comes that lady mahoma mama Have mercy on her past Amina Minami No, no molana This is the nature of life, you know, that is inevitable. And they start the preserve of the sick or the aged person can have a clean bill of health today. And you can walk out to the hospital and he dies. And this is the nature of life,

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the nature of life what is also very important for us to understand that we need to really respect, love, and be there for those that we love and to be there for our families. Because, you know, as you know, manana you also lost

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one of your parents, right? Do you know when you lose them, no one can replace them. Even the best of humanity. Notwithstanding the compassion, commiseration, you cannot replace them. And I think you know, I'm so glad you're talking about it. And speaking to someone this morning, and sometimes in our frenetic lifestyle and our pace, the people that we supposed to love, we do not interact with them. We just speak to them in a spirit of calmness. We do not for example, also affirm them, love them, respect them, and only when they are gone, you know, you realize there's so many things you could have done. You could have spent more time you could have been more compassionate you could

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have been of greater service to them.

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And this is you know, certainly, you know, as listening to a talk yesterday when someone is told about a profitable business, Dini that if he invests so much of money is 100% sure, this is a guarantee, we would respond immediately and because this is the nature of how many of us operate, yet, you know, when it comes to the akhira when it comes to the benefits of reading Salah with Jamaat and all of this, it we do not see it, we are not there, because what we are concerned about very is material instant gratification. And we forget that we are here for a purpose. So we make the why inshallah, that the people are passed away, and people always going to pass away, and all of us

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will pass through Allah, and grant all of them the highest status in Ghana. And May those loved ones they leave behind. have no regrets may be themselves, for example, be of service. And if, for example, we do have regrets, because most of us will do, we cannot do enough for our loved ones. At least we can redeem ourselves to at least pass the message on to those who have parents, who have been nice

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grandparents so on, that you encourage them to do the right thing and shall align His mercy will forgive us for some of our shortcomings.

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I mean, I mean, it is it's now 25 minutes after having a bit of a late start this morning. But nevertheless, we'd like to welcome our listeners to the program, as well. My name is Jimmy Saad. My guest this morning is Idris camisa. We discuss social issues we discuss marriage issue issues, parental issues, and all things to do with improving ourselves improving our our person abilities, capabilities and improving our lives in general. And today's program, inshallah, we're going to focus on a very interesting topic. And this is the topic of compatibility, before marriage, to be able to realize and understand that we need to find someone who is suitable for us to get married to

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and the importance of choosing a person who is very much compatible with us to format it so that we can in some cases, gel well, together well, and make a success out of our marriages. Yes, you know, I've been inspired to talk about this, because of the many issues and problems we come across today. And also by Maulana Junaid, Adam from Port Elizabeth, his son who qualify for Medina, he shared with me a story that comes from pre Islamic times, and I'll see how best I can remember it. There are different variations to this. But it inspired me maybe think because we are living at a time that, you know, there isn't sometimes an emotional rapport connection with each other. Where the partners

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themselves did not regard the same things as beautiful. We are living today at a time when these no intellectual connectiveness we're living at a time, for example, that each one of us respond so diametrically different from each other in terms of crisis, a whole range of things, right. And I'm not suggesting that if your marriage, if a partner is incompatible, that nothing can be done on either party, to compromise and to really make something work. But when the when couples are compatible, when even in the silences, they are able to articulate even the silences. They're eloquent, even the silences they communicate so many beautiful things just being next to each other.

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That is really an incredibly you know, you are blessed to have that. And so the story goes something like this. I there are two variations but similar to me, maybe you've heard of the story also, in pre Islamic times is about this traveler assassin, you know, he was in his camel. And then he met a friend of his or he met someone who asked him whether he could join him on the camel. So as they were riding on this channel, the son asked, Is this friend of this traveler? Are you going to carry me or am I going to carry you? So this friend? I mean, this traveler was wondering how he is something wrong with this person, because the camel is carrying both of us. Yeah, you know, why is

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asking such as cinequest and that was the first question.

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They went further, and they saw some

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harvest. Right? And so the the son asked him, he says, is that verdant lush rice? Or is it dry? So it is sadly sinking? In what? You know, I can see Russian Why is he asking me that question, you know? And they went further. And then there was people who are preparing a janazah or there was a janazah. So someone asked him, he says, I wonder if that body is alive? Or is he dead? Now he is thinking like how most of us would understandably, that surely must be dead for them to have a janazah. So anyway, What happened now? So he, this, the first company, and so he goes home, the the traveler goes, I'm not certain, we'll give him and left as it were. And he narrates the story to his

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daughter.

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And his daughter, realized the wisdom of each of those three questions. And she analyzed the three questions right to her father. He said to him, you know, the first question when he asked whether I'm going to carry you or you're going to carry me, he asked the question whether you're going to talk to me and entertain me throughout the journey to make my journey easy, or am I going to do that? He said, Oh, then he said, wow. The second time he said regarding the harvest, he wants to know, basically, where the person is going to have already sold off that harvest and rice and get money out of it? Or is it a no? Is he going to wait for everything, then he's going to do that? And

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the third one, he asked about whether bodies dead or not. He really asked the question whether this person has got his or he's got a he's got family is got children, who can continue the good work he is doing or whether he left behind good deeds that would be of use for him, you know, genuinely what he did now. So this man he goes to the sun is I know that he's clever enough, is that I know why you asked me this question. He asked. He said, Well, I'm sure someone else told you those answers. He says Who was it, it was my daughter. And he immediately hit this man realize and realize that he and his daughter are compatible, and they got married to each other. Yeah, and and now apparently, even

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in the Arabian speaking world, I forget that the name starts with key zabrak or something. Today, when when people when used partners in business, when they get on well with each other, they said this is like some marriages who are compatible, this is extra one and the other lady. And that story, lady, I found that quite intriguing. Because sometimes in life, even when you having a conversation with your spouse, and every time your spouse, for example, once you to explain yourself, this can lead to an element of frustration is very, very important that when you are choosing a life partner, you know, often many young people make the mistake that you know, the most

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important thing is the physicality, they want to be mesmerized by the beauty, as it were, and they feel that everything else becomes suddenly irrelevant, you know, and then they realize, my gosh, you know what, you know, I am not married for public consumption, and marrying, because I need a companion, a partner with whom I can converse, that at least not to suggest that we rubber stamp each other all the time. But these compatibility in our thinking, in our attitudes, in the values that we espouse that we are in essence, like man minded, that in terms of our generosity, the way we see the world, the way we see ourselves, the way we see the sacred institution of marriage, we are

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so like minded. And and I think that's a very, very important and powerful thing, and especially for parents today. And sadly, you know, it really breaks my heart, it really, really breaks my heart when I attend so many weddings, you know, and I said it the last time and often there are many people that they eat that period longer than the marriage. And what also grieves me is that when when people get married, and if the man doesn't come back to his wife, he sends it back home, that the parents of the boy or for example, do not need to the parents, the girls to resolve the issues. And often you find their different perspectives. You know, the from the boy side, he has a

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particular perspective and you speak to the girl. She thinks that the issue is not those issues, but there are other issues. So I think it's so important that we make informed choices that we are

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circumspect because the second student of marriage did not want the artist is to shake, and we need to be more patient more circumspect, more loving, understanding and more nurturing inshallah they'll make a difference. So I want to really today talk about compatibility, to understand its implications in our choices to understand that when people are compatible, they're able to deal with issues

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violently cohesively. And as a team, you know,

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it's just got an hour 26 minutes before 12 listening to our Mr Coronavirus, time International, my guest this morning is it is a mystery to start talking about compatibility, and finding a right at the right spouse, for your son or daughter. Or if you are thinking of getting married yourself, then to find someone who is compatible to you not just to run for the first person who comes by with a good looks, or with the wealth that you were looking for the status that you were looking for. It is by its ease, it's a ruling of Syria, as well, to find compatibility, when you want to get married. And while the Sharia has certain principles and certain rules, the advice that we are sharing today

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is to do with, with our social activities, and to understand each other and to be mentally also compatible with with a person. And that is so, so important. So important. And you know, that's the whole thing is that young people, and I think you know, all of us are guilty of this in some way or the other. And when parents tell you also, you know, you said you know, I tell you this, you know what, you're not only marrying her humanity, the whole family, and you wonder what they're talking about, you know, they understand fully, that marriage is not just a personal institution, it impacts on people around you your sadness, your happiness, and the way we respond to each other. And I think

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it's very important. Therefore, I think before

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young prospective couples become emotionally entangled, you know, and when they are emotionally entangled, no amount of wisdom can impact on them can make them introspect. And there may be, I'll be so glad if people phone us up and talk about their marriages, and especially those that Alhamdulillah way this compatibility understanding, because we often talk about the issues, but the world there are many people who have tremendous challenges, may Allah make it easy for them. You know, it's not an easy institution. In this day and age, there are so many external factors that impinge on the marriage, but I'm sure there are many, many people there who have wonderful

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marriages, they have wonderful, you know, experiences, and you would like them to shave because, you know, you have no idea and I'll say this to the listeners and, and monana you know, better than I do, when you are so actively involved, the radio station, you meet some people after many years will tell you, you know, that one day you spoke and you said this, the day I was feeling so down, is almost Allah is fully to speak to me. And they made a big change in their life.

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Yes, in fact, it happened to me just the other day.

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And it is really, it's really promising in that someone takes the time out to just give a call to see that what you've said, really had an impact on me. And we make Dr. Bet Allah subhanaw taala accepts whatever words we say. And Allah subhanaw taala puts the right things into our hearts that will have any effect on us. I mean,

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those who are listening,

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just like compatibility between two people, the question will come up that how do you know that you compatible to this person without actually spending time with this person beforehand? Obviously, there must be another way. Yes, you see, like, I've mentioned this a number of times.

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I have with me 100 questions you can ask first before you marry. Now, not all 100 questions be relevant. I'm sure there are things that you feel strongly about. And they are things that you regard is non negotiable. You would like for example, in terms of maybe your spouse's dressing, for example, in terms of the BSR spirituality, or your spouse's temperament or a whole range of things, and I think it's important for us to ask those questions, you know, even if it's done, you know, through email to talk about these things. Very, very

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Important you need to talk about this. And the last one. The other critical area is this, I think the most important thing in life, before discovering the other person, you need to discover yourself. self discovery is so critical in terms of understanding who you are, understanding your values, understanding what motivates you, what makes you angry, makes you understand whether you're an optimist or a pessimist, to understand your own level of your self esteem, your own spirituality, also to look at in terms of your own most maturity, and look at also in terms of what you what you regard as your purpose in your own life. And once you do that, then you'll find that you know

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exactly what your strengths are, and what areas need to be developed. In that way, instead of you sitting in judgment of other people in one, inverted commas, the perfect partner, you got to ask yourself, whether you are perfect yourself. And these are important, important things. And so what is also an imperative that you must not diminish yourself, neither diminish a particular quality of value, or because you you feel this chemistry, you know, between you and the other person and the and in fact, I want to don't i don't want to burst the bubble but I think I need to do that whenever people find this almost compelling attraction to the other almost out of control allowed to tell

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them without even love it is infatuation in it be intense now and then when things don't work out, well, your hatred to be just as intense as the love that you thought you had for the individual.

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Okay, it is we're gonna take a short break now. And when we come back in shamarpa is interesting, interesting topic, especially for those who are married. Any questions that you would like to ask any situations that you find yourself in? Like a little bit of credit for clarification on Oh 731758461 this SMS number you can call us no no 118541 5.2 l mashreq. And radius comm international

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This is radio

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Welcome back to my second video Islam international and a warm welcome back to our guest is coming. So speaking about compatibility, before marriage, if I have any points that people potential marriage material, at any point that they need to look out for, before they actually make the decision, I think we need to look at many, many points. The important aspect is they need to understand

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what are the ingredients of a happy marriage. And for example, if you were to look at the ingredients of a happy marriage, I can enumerate them like this, I think the

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one of the most I'm not putting in any SME or descending order, is, in terms of understanding relationship dynamics. One of the big problems in many marriages is that we become so inward looking, we are introspective. And we see things only from our own perspective, not from the perspective of the partner. So we call this perspective transformation, very important to understand the relationship dynamics, need to understand yourself and of course, understand your partner, because all of us are products of life experiences. The second important issue is that in marriage, especially in the first three years of marriage are very, very critical, where you make a commitment

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to learn from each other. And to learn from your mistakes, you rather make new mistakes, instead of repeating those mistakes. People reach levels of frustration, when mistakes are repeated, right. The other important aspect is are you are a person in terms of your own temperament. If you find that people that have a mild temperament, able to many relationships are better. And it's important that we understand that part of relationship dynamics is the whole issue of empathy is understanding the other. The other critical aspect is that you yourself, need to have a purpose and a vision, and to understand why you are meant to understand the purpose of marriage itself. And to understand it to

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look at the beautiful example of Navy SEAL allow you to sell them and to look at what you are told that we are garments to each other to understand the old method of government and also the whole issue of distress from a man's perspective. But to understand the fragility, the frailty of our systems and how we need to be the protectors, how we need to be dummied in our homes, and how we need to have that kind of understanding. The other important aspect is this, that you yourself as an individual, need to understand that when you as I said at the beginning of the program, that your relationship with your in laws are very, very critical thing, you cannot have an adversarial

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relationship with your in laws and expect to be in a happy marriage. You cannot it cannot be cannot happen that way. Surely your attitude, your negativity towards your in laws must impact on your wife's relationship with you. And I think we need to understand that and one of the things that I I tell people and this is really something that also Moseley and brings me a lot of joy. When I learned that my wife Alhamdulillah she has been good to my family, my extended family, that really intensifies my love for her. The other important aspect is this that we need to grow together in marriage. In other words, no one is perfect. And we all it's a learning curve. We need to grow from

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each other, learn from each other, and more importantly, to grow spiritually on either side. The other important dynamic is the holy shock for psychological beings. Now, you got to ask yourself, are you an optimist, or your realness or you're a pessimist? You're a kind of person that person assigns a solution to every problem, or do you find a problem in every solution? So these are some of the very important aspects. And the other last aspect to speak about is the idea that in any relationship, the critical the most one, the most important aspect is the whole issue of communication. And communication is not about speaking, but it's also about listening. It's about

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listening, with attentiveness with calmness and with empathy, that the person that you

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A person speaking to you really feels that you are really focused on what they are saying. Right and that's important the last one inshallah, I see marriage as basically between the two things, connecting with each other inshallah connecting your spouse to online and beloved. So similarly,

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on the light and note of choosing the right girl for marriage, I picked up something that one of my Facebook friends have put on how to choose the best girl for marriage play Monopoly, the game monopoly with her, if she chooses the iron, she is the one

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who said, Wait, don't be hasty if you're thinking of her any uploads, and remember that she has made an excellent choice, she chose this smart weapon, travel her and she will burn you in.

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Yeah.

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And you know, you drop your above that. And really, you know, this is the whole thing. When you visit some homes, really you're you're you're already when you visit some homes. It's like, it's like a museum this kids are sitting in a corner like statues. You know, there is no vibrancy, spontaneity, no one is laughing, smiling. You know, and, and this is what really disturbs me, the home, supposed to be a happy place, a a sanctuary, a place where you can be yourself. When people non judgmental, you know, you're not in the public arena, when people are looking at you with the insidious size and making value judgments. You can be free, no, you know, you're you're you're

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relaxed and, and they and they accept you for who you are what you know. And this is the whole thing that we need to rekindle that kind of ethos in our home.

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Is

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it is a compatibility between the spouses, we look at the example of Rasulullah sallallahu, and Islam and almohads meaning and look at how compatible the sequel, The objective was one, the goal was one. And the mindset was also one. And it's important for us to understand the mindset of the person whom we are going to get married to or who has proposed are we thinking of proposing for, understand what the objective what the goals are. And it sometimes happens that we judge a person in a certain way. But when once you get married, and actually live with the person when they turn out to be different from what you went through, as you expected. And sometimes it's a great

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disappointment as well. So, yes, you wanna know what you're saying, you know, or one cannot overemphasize that, you know, the often and people before marriage, they are neatly dressed, then they're looking beautiful and smelling good and everything. And it's almost, you know,

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perfect. Yet, you know, one day after the wedding or a week later, you are surprised that all this thin veneer that hides a lot of the ugliness as it were. And this is a point the point is the whole issue of consistency. I mean, if you look at you know, if you look at Nabi sallallahu sallam, as you rightly and they cannot be a better example for us, then he's wonderful example. And if you look at even when innovations to put down the, you know, the time when you bought the first and why he and you know, it was really not an easy experience for him. And what did he do? The first person shed and offloaded was a BB catheter, right? He went to a, he go to his friend, he didn't go to anyone

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who went to her and what she did, and she trusted him, she believed in him. She believed in his goodness, she believed in his godliness. She believed in his, you know, qualities, that he was indeed a very, very special being. And she's the one that comforted him and reassured him, and then for to give further comfort. She, you know, spoke to someone she knew, who was a scholar of thoughts, who reassured her that what happened there was a wonderful divine experience. And this is a dimension that is missing in our homes, we find that we find it very easy to diminish each other to speak ill of the other. The other person in the eyes of many people justifiably is recognized or

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she is recognized as a wonderful human being for the goodness that she does. And then you would ask yourself, if you're not seeing it at home, that perhaps it's the reflection on you.

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reflection on the kind of person you are, and you perhaps something that you need to do differently. And you find, therefore, you find that there are many people, they are very, very stared at home, but outside, they're very, very happy. And in fact, we do not celebrate enough of our families in our homes, you know.

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So trust is a very, very critical thing. And I think also that one needs to be open and honest, we need when you before you marry, to tell the person exactly who you are, and not to hide anything from them.

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Here's

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the important thing of being absolutely honest and transparent at the time of going to see a potential spouse and being clear of what your intentions are. Sometimes it happens and unfortunately, it seems so it is where some people get married, but the intentions behind it are not clear. And unfortunately, they only become clear or apparent once they've gotten into the relationship. And now they they cause misery to someone else. Now, that's very true, I think is a person of your your intentions, why you make the person, what is your intention, and we are so beneficial allowed you to spend and you can marry for any of these four things about the wealth,

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social needs about this Aqua, and all of that. Right. But yet, you find that the dog depends on the intentionality. I mean, the I was mentioning this the other day in one of my interviews, I said that, you know, for example, is a young girl. She's used to a very affluent life, and she travels overseas every year. And he married someone who has not even taking a plane ride in his life, you know, and the windmills and she thinks because she loves him, inverted commas, everything be fine, right and not even not be fine. And then the husband after a few first weeks of marriage, because the darling I got a surprise for you.

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Yes, you are a surprise for me. This is what surprised you got to say, Well, I think this weekend I make you heard of this town

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this weekend, and we'll take it apart rainy reared apart.

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Partly, you know, now she might get what you think of you off your head or something with your personal info. And yet, you know, the short he can afford to do you see? So then those things create a lot of problems in the key is not a problem if the

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wife is rarely the more the breadwinner than the husband, that is a huge problem. Right? I've got one question here. Someone said, Monique.

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esalaam My husband is running the family businesses and he tries his best, but does many things which no one is happy with any causes too much problems. I want to help you wonder tell him when I tell him to get upset. I need someone to sit him down and speak to him. things get worse and don't permit of bed of him What do I do shame. This lady is crying out in pain anyway. When she says this thing on the radio, she can contact me inshallah I have no issues about talking to as well. And the fact that you know, she acknowledges that he is trying his best. That's a good thing that shows that he is committed to what he was doing. And the important thing we need to understand why things are

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not working out there. And Rosie Of course comes from Allah and I can understand the concern when her own family speak ill about him and it's quite clear that she's concerned that she loves him. And so I think the best thing is often when

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it comes to a man on a one to one from the wife, they are not amenable to it. So my suggestion is inshallah that she can phone me or anyone else that they can talk to the husband.

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It is a sugar insulin for your time this morning. Very very happy that you are out running in taking a job and you feeling younger and healthier. And inshallah Allah Allah keep you healthy and happy. And Allah Subhana Allah keep you are steadfast on the sunshine. I mean one of it I saw you losing all this weight looking so youthful I got jealous molana I said no. Why not? You know, you know? This morning I went to my wife I told the house it Donal she she bolina Hi, am I looking?

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Around

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two minutes before these chemists are leaving us with a smile as always struggling to get them to eat these camisa chicken twice to the operator this morning Osama bus unit and should come to you for listening in on the program this morning in Sharla

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I will be back with you on Saturday morning. I won't be back on Saturday morning I've got the the Malanga Jamia to order my AGM in Middleburg on Saturday morning so I will be attending the program there inshallah and Melissa may be on his own and Saturday morning on marriages on the chickens even to you for for listening from Sinead decide on this Thursday morning was it Mr. ecommerce, Mr. LaHood to Allah wa barakato