Being true to You

Calisha Bennett


Channel: Calisha Bennett

File Size: 57.32MB

Share Page
AI generated text may display inaccurate or offensive information that doesn’t represent Muslim Central's views. Therefore, no part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

AI Generated Summary ©

The speakers stress the importance of authentic living and connecting oneself to one's true self in order to achieve success. They use the example of The Good Doctor to illustrate the need for parents to be true to oneself and others, and emphasize the importance of finding a path to happiness and being responsible for it. The speakers emphasize the need for parents to be true to oneself and others, as well as finding a healthy parenting relationship.

AI Generated Transcript ©

00:00:00--> 00:00:45

Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakato Welcome back. This is our second session for the conference the Back to the Future online conference. And super excited to in traduce you to Felicia Bennett. Although maybe a lot of you already know her. She's out there talking everywhere with everyone these days, Mashallah. In fact, she's got two conferences on today at once. So she's zipping between our Zoom Room and other people's zoom rooms, delivering her message. She's the founder of developing diamonds doing a lot of work in helping Muslim women and youth really connect with their identity, because we seem to have

00:00:45--> 00:00:53

lost our identity a little bit. And that's pretty much what the topic is about today. Isn't it Felicia being true to you?

00:00:54--> 00:00:57

Yeah, that's right. So I'm on a camera. And so like Katherine

00:00:59--> 00:01:12

says, Great to have you here. I'm going to turn off my camera and my mic and leave the show to use Anita screen squeezed screen screen share your screen. I think I've been talking too much today already.

00:01:13--> 00:01:14

And go for it.

00:01:16--> 00:01:18

Awesome. Let's do this. Bismillah

00:01:20--> 00:01:25

Okay, so it's got host disabled participants screen sharing. So Can that be undone?

00:01:32--> 00:01:33

There we go. Thank you.

00:01:39--> 00:02:23

I'll be laying in a shape on a regime Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah sallAllahu alayhi wa sallam My bad. Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. To my dearest beautiful sisters. It's beautiful to be here is the cliche Bennett and inshallah we'll be talking about the topic of being true to you. So how to uncover your authenticity or true identity and to just listen to your heart and be true to yourself and what it is that you want, out of this very short life that we have been blessed with from Allah subhanaw taala. So having a look at our journey today, Inshallah, we're going to have a look at how we can lose ourselves, and our sense of

00:02:23--> 00:03:10

identity and confidence in life, we're going to look at how I personally held back from fulfilling my potential for quite a number of years, Pamela, I'll also share how I overcame various obstacles that you might resonate with as well. How things have changed for me now, since my journey has evolved, and how they can insha Allah change for you, because that's why we're here we're here for you to be able to learn some strategies or to develop some types of understanding which can help and equip you to really be true to yourself in your life in sha Allah, and then we'll give some options for the way forward. So are you guys ready to go? Let's get everyone involved and interacting. Are

00:03:10--> 00:03:13

you guys ready? For us to start?

00:03:15--> 00:03:17

It's happened here. Second?

00:03:19--> 00:03:20

Yes. All right.

00:03:23--> 00:04:07

So let me ask you, have you ever felt low in confidence in your abilities and your pursuits? A bit apprehensive, unsure of yourself? Have you ever felt confused about your true self, your worth? Your identity? Who it is you are? Have you felt like you've got so much untapped potential in life that you've got so much within you that you want to give and you want to express and you're just feeling stuck? You don't know? How do you feel weighed down by the negativity, or the criticisms or the commentary of those around you? Or even the assumed opinions of those around you? Do you feel like you're maybe held back or pulled back by others? Who,

00:04:09--> 00:04:33

who perhaps, you know, make you feel insecure or make you feel unsure of yourself? Do you feel frustrated about not doing more about not being more or about not achieving more in your life? If you feel any of these things, then you're not alone. A lot of people experienced this and personally, this is something that I experienced as well.

00:04:35--> 00:04:59

So I found that in life there were many obstacles in my way that I perceived to be in my way, I felt like they were challenges they were walls up around me that there were hurdles I constantly had to jump, that there were things obstructing the path, preventing me from being my true self from fulfilling my truest potential from expressing and understanding deeply what

00:05:00--> 00:05:37

My identity was, and you know, sometimes it was, you know, because of certain people that I had around me in my life. Sometimes it might have been because of the things happening within our family. Sometimes it was just from things happening around me with my friends. And in my social circles. At times, I felt like it was the because of the individuals that I worked with, or that it was part of the community work that I was involved in that there were hurdles to jump in boundaries and walls around me. You know, sometimes I was worried about public perception, if I did this. And if I did that, what would others think of me? Or would that be

00:05:39--> 00:06:24

criticized? Or would that be something that people wouldn't approve of. So all I always had these things running in my mind, where I had a part of me that I wanted to express. But I felt like there were certain things in the way preventing that hurdles, walls boundaries. And because of that, I was unable to truly progress in life. Because these obstacles that I perceived in front of me, they weren't things that I was in control of, because it was because of the people because of family stuff going on, or because of community work in organizations. So I had a lot of this perceived limitation in front of me. But to me, at the time, it was real. These walls, these barriers, these

00:06:24--> 00:06:33

boundaries, these hurdles were very real. And I felt stuck, I felt like I couldn't get past them that I couldn't really, you know, fulfill my greatest potential.

00:06:34--> 00:07:16

So let me ask you, do you think that this is how we're meant to live, are we meant to live, you know, feeling stuck and feeling like we're not, you know, able to express our truest self. It's explained that people often are inauthentic and not living their true lives, because they believe it's what others want, what others want to see. And unfortunately, instead of showing up as yourself, you show up as the person that you think everyone else will like. So what I realized was that I was living a life, always checking in to make sure and always worried that everyone around me, everything around me, the organization's around me, the community around me, would be happy with

00:07:16--> 00:07:35

what I was doing. So I wasn't able to be my true self, I wasn't able to even listen, or acknowledge or validate my true self, because I was living with a need for external validation. So those walls that I had up around me, was because of that need for external validation.

00:07:39--> 00:08:27

So when we look at the importance of being our true self, like, is it important to ask yourself, is it important to be your true self? Or can we just live from bouncing off the expectations of those around us, and there's a lot of research that's been done about the benefits of authenticity and living authentically, and operating from your own sense of identity, personal values, morals and beliefs. And, you know, when we have a look at some of the, the research and the articles that are out there, according to bore Miss Meister, self concept, so what you think of yourself is the individual's belief about him or herself, including the attributes of that person, and, and who and

00:08:27--> 00:09:11

what the self is. So your self concept is what you think about yourself. And it's, you know, that's, you know, defining it. But how important is that Aristotle suggested that the good life includes both happiness and engagement, where happiness is defined as an activity of authentically expressing one's Excellences, or virtues. So where you can live excellently, you are expressing your greatest potential. And until we do that, it's very difficult to be happy. But the activity of expressing one's true self and making deliberate choices and taking responsibility for those choices, which we know is authenticity. It gives a sense of well being and engagement in life when you know you're

00:09:11--> 00:09:49

living a life operating from you and yourself, and what you think about these choices and these decisions and the path ahead, this is when you are going to be the most happy. And in my situation, I was kind of more worried about the external validation, that is what I'm doing okay to XYZ. And because of that, I would constantly kind of, you know, not experience the same amount of fulfillment that if I had made the decisions myself and was living authentically, according to my own decisions and values, I would have been a whole lot more happy.

00:09:51--> 00:10:00

So the authentic person is committed to making their life their own on being focused, coherent. And sorry, it's cut that little

00:10:00--> 00:10:44

paid off, and fully engaged and fully engaged. So when you're authentic, you're committed to making your life your own. You're focused on your life, you're coherent, and you're fully engaged, like you have your life by the reins. And you know my circumstance, I didn't have it by the reins, right, I had everyone else pulling the cart, and dependent on everyone else. So living authentically involves making deliberate choices to be true to oneself, and then taking responsibility for one's actions. Perhaps in my case, I was scared about taking responsibility for my actions, it was easier to depend on the opinions and perspectives of others in making my decisions, because maybe I just thought, you

00:10:44--> 00:10:53

know what, if I do the wrong thing, or if it ends up being the wrong decision, I can say, well, they told me to, I can hold others responsible for the outcomes of my decisions and actions.

00:10:56--> 00:11:37

In one study, researchers found that people who scored higher on a measure of authentic living reported greater happiness, more positive emotions and higher self esteem than people who reported being less authentic, more authentic people also reported having better relationships with others and more personal growth. So being your true self living, according to what it is that you want to do achieve the values you want to uphold the lifestyle that you want to carry, you will be as researchers showing more happy more positive, you have high self esteem, better relationships, and more personal growth. So looking at that, what more could we want, then that's fun a lot.

00:11:39--> 00:12:23

So, research participants felt fulfilled and connected to others in their personal lives. And these people had something in common, they were able to be true to themselves. And as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were. So there's an interesting point here about what you think you should be or who you think you should be. And kind of stepping away from the thinking and saying, let me be who I am. Let me give myself permission to just be me, rather than the, the expected you that you might be, you know, kind of perceiving of yourself. Brene Brown says in order for connection to happen, we have to allow

00:12:23--> 00:12:41

ourselves to be seen, really singing. So when it comes to relationships, in particular, for us to be deeply connected in our relationships, we have to be able to be bravely authentic, bravely open and showing who we truly are. And then we can have those amazing connections in life.

00:12:43--> 00:13:24

In the Islamic context, when it comes to the importance of being true to yourself, it's closely tied, you know, a lot of the companions and scholars of the past they would mention this famous saying men are often EFSA who forgot the Alpha robber who, whoever whosoever knows himself knows his Lord. So when you know yourself, and you're being true to yourself, and you're listening to yourself, this actually opens up and expands the ability for us to connect with Allah subhanaw taala. When you are connected to yourself, and you know who you are, you're being true to you, that is actually going to improve your sense of faith, your sense of connection with Allah subhanaw

00:13:24--> 00:13:59

taala. Because all of a sudden, you're like, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. What matters is what Allah subhanaw taala thinks of me and you're able to establish a much deeper connection. And this beautiful narration of the companion certainly been Abdullah. He says, if one knows the enemy, one knows his Lord, if one knows himself, one knows his status with his Lord. If one knows his mind, then one knows his state between him and his Lord. If one knows sacred knowledge, one knows his journey. If one knows the world, one knows the hereafter.

00:14:00--> 00:14:43

You could take so much from that quotes point alone, and there's so much that we could reflect upon, but again, just tie into knowing yourself being deeply connected to yourself, deeply connected to your status with your Creator, your intentions with your Creator, your life journey for your Creator, the comparison of this world to the afterlife, for the sake of the Creator. So Sahil was asked about the saying, of whoever knows himself knows his Lord and Sahan said, Whoever defines himself for the sake of his Lord, his Lord defines him for the sake of himself. So when you define yourself Who is it that Allah subhanaw taala wants me to be? Who am I meant to be for Allah? When we

00:14:43--> 00:14:58

can ask ourselves these questions and uncover and discover the answers to those questions and live according to that clarity and sincerity of being true to yourself and connecting that to being true to Allah subhanaw taala operating

00:14:59--> 00:15:00

you know, within

00:15:00--> 00:15:43

that intimate bond between you and your Creator and keeping the opinions and thoughts and the judgments and the criticisms and the, you know the viewpoints of others, separate to your existence separate to your moral compass separate to your decision making. This is when we can establish that true sincerity and an amazing bond with Allah subhanaw taala. When we look at what the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam tells us about being true to ourselves, he said strive for that which will benefit you. Seek the help of Allah and do not feel helpless if anything befalls you do not say if I'd only done such and such rather say God Allahu wa Masha Allah, Allah has decreed whatever He

00:15:43--> 00:16:25

wills and whatever He wills he does. Because when you say if it opens the door to the deeds of shape on so in life being true to yourself, the prophets Allah, Allah Azza is commanding us in this hadith. Strive for that which will benefit you live, strive, work have goals and ambitions that will benefit you you can be selfish you can operate from a place of what is it that I want to to build in my life? What is it that I want to establish in my life? What is it that I want to achieve in my life? Who is it that I want to be in my life? So we're commanded by the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam in this hadith strive for that which will benefit you live a life benefiting yourself? When

00:16:25--> 00:17:09

you're on that path. Seek help from who the people ask advice from people ask advice from, you know, the authorities, it says seek the help of Allah, as you go and seek out that which will benefit you in your life, seek the help of a lantern to Allah subhanaw taala and do not feel helpless, you are never helpless. And when I look back at my experience, you know, the way that I felt I did, I felt helpless. I felt like I was always in need. I felt like I didn't have true inner strength. I was always worried, always anxious, always apprehensive, always doubting myself always wanting to be confident, but not truly confident. Why because I was seeking the external instead of trusting my

00:17:09--> 00:17:12

internal and tying that internal to Allah subhanaw taala.

00:17:13--> 00:17:21

So I'm just gonna apologize because I've I was sick a few days ago, and I haven't fully recovered yet. Hamdulillah. So I'm a little bit off, so apologies.

00:17:23--> 00:18:02

So the Prophet salallahu Salam says that none of you truly believe until he loves for his brother, what he loves for himself. In Islamic context, we learn that we're supposed to be selfless and want others to live amazing lives and have beautiful peace and strong faith and, you know, beautiful families and amazing success, like we're taught that we should want that for others to be selfless. But look at the other part of this headline, yes, we take that meaning from this hadith. But the second part says what he loves for himself, which means what it means you are allowed to love to have that beautiful life for yourself to, you're allowed to one amazing success for your life to

00:18:02--> 00:18:41

you're allowed to want to fulfill your potential, and set massive goals and pursue those goals and discover, you know amazing things about yourself and others in the world and have amazing connections, amazing achievements, you're allowed to have that two, permission granted, and we often overlook that. And rather look to the other because of handler Dean does have a tradition of serving the other being of service to others. But we must remember that we have to give ourselves permission to look after ourselves to and to be deeply connected to operating from our own depths of sincerity and ambition as well.

00:18:43--> 00:19:21

The Holy Quran describes a man who was unjust to himself, and he entered his garden while he was unjust to himself. So last month, Allah mentioned that we as human beings, we can be unjust to ourselves. And we do need to ask question and regularly ask ourselves, Am I being fair in what I am preventing myself from doing? Am I being fair on myself by saying no, no collection and give you permission to do that? No, you're not good enough to do that. No, you don't have what it takes to do that. No, you're not this you're not that all these Not, not not and all those boundaries and hurdles coming up? No, they won't like it if you knew that they will think this about you. They they

00:19:21--> 00:19:58

they all those boundaries, hurdles walls coming up in front of you, being created by you. But Allah Subhana Allah says in this idea that we can fall into being unjust to ourselves, and let's ask ourselves, do we say things to ourselves which are unjust, which are unfair, which are belittling, or which are even oppressive? Yes, we have a lot of external oppression within our own world, but we truly do at times can we can fall into oppressing ourselves. By not fulfilling this important mission that we have in life by not fulfilling our potential. We are holding ourselves back from fulfilling the mission for which Allah wants Allah created us on this

00:20:00--> 00:20:33

Remember Allah Subhan Allah Allah says, inshallah Khartoum, as Eden Nakhon, if you give thanks, I'll give you more. If we are grateful, saying I am Hamdulillah, talented Alhamdulillah I am amazing Alhamdulillah I do have what it takes, and Hamdulillah I can do and fulfill this goal or this idea or this, this, you know, this way that I want to live or this character trait that I want to build upon within myself, if we can be grateful to Allah subhanaw taala and say, Yes, I can do this, Allah, Allah will increase us in that he will give us more.

00:20:34--> 00:21:18

Allah Subhana Allah, and we know this, this one, so Well, we hear and see it everywhere. Allah doesn't change the condition in which people are in until they change that which is within themselves. So for me taking back responsibility and saying I need to change what's going on within me if I want to improve my condition. So what happened to me was, I hit a time where I really did hit a massive low, and I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong or what was up with me. Externally, outwardly, I was still doing amazing things. I knew I was achieving things, I knew I was part of really important work, I knew that I was making a difference. But I hit a low because I knew that I

00:21:18--> 00:21:52

had kept myself, I knew that I had reached the limit of my permission, granting of how much permission I granted myself in terms of fulfilling my potential, and those hurdles, and those walls and those thoughts about the external or those limiting beliefs that I had about myself had kind of caged me in, and no one wants to be caged in. It's unnatural, right? So I had caged myself in and feeling low and feeling anxious and feeling depressed when I'd never experienced that before. And when I really thought about it, I realized that I had stopped growing.

00:21:54--> 00:22:16

And why had I stopped growing, I had to, at first I went through blaming externally, it's everyone else's fault that I'm not growing, because everyone else has expectations and limitations around me, but had to do some real soul searching. And I discovered that I had boxed myself in that I had caged myself that I was oppressing myself. I had, I had stopped myself from growing.

00:22:17--> 00:23:02

And, you know, it was unfortunate that I was blaming my outside conditions and environment. But until I understood that it was coming from me and my thinking, and my thoughts were creating these feelings of frustration, these feelings of sadness, these feelings of anxiety, these feelings of turmoil. It's panela, because of what was going on in my head and in my thought processes. So there I was, I felt stuck. I felt trapped, I felt limited. I felt like I wasn't growing. And I've never felt like that before. Because I've always tried to stay to sit to a certain extent on a conveyor belt. And now is that a point where my greater growth, my greater potential lay on the other side of

00:23:02--> 00:23:26

getting past certain boundaries, getting past certain limitations that I put on myself getting past certain past wounds, emotional wounds that I carry. So I knew that I had to go through some kind of healing process or some kind of awakening process, and it's upon Allah, I actually didn't know where to go, I didn't know where to find it. I just started doing little personal development things. And

00:23:27--> 00:23:51

and yeah, it will tell you a little bit more about that journey. It's been a lot. So what were the challenges and obstacles that were going on in my head? I had issues with trusting myself and trusting like my decisions that yes, you know, you can do it. So I would always think like, no, I need people backing me like I need, you know, I need people to kind of reassure me that yes, you can do this.

00:23:52--> 00:24:34

I struggled with giving myself permission. So I would try to make excuses in my mind of why I shouldn't do things or why I couldn't do things. So I wouldn't give myself permission. And again, what's running through my head, that person when I asked them for their opinion, and maybe shut it down or another person, those people don't help me with what I want to do. So I'm on my own. So again, the struggle with what I thought externally, about others views and perceptions on things then resulted in me not giving myself permission. I struggled with feeling whole and capable. So I've always struggled in my life prior to this with self esteem. Growing up, I didn't have very good

00:24:34--> 00:24:35

self esteem.

00:24:36--> 00:24:59

I didn't really feel a hope for a lot of my life that that that concept of self love and believing in yourself. Didn't feel fully capable. So we'd be trying my best but still feeling inadequate. A lot of people around me would have had no idea that this was what was going on underneath because externally it looked like oh mashallah she's doing this. She's doing that, you know, an outward success.

00:25:00--> 00:25:37

But underneath, I just knew I wasn't really fulfilling my greater potential. I was also facing criticisms, people who would I'd be at a gathering, people would kind of pull me over to a corner, and then pretty much like admonish me and tell me off for just see, really, when I reflect on it, like some silly things that I got criticized for. But the issue with me was, I would take the criticisms really personally, like, I would take the criticisms, then it would just break me like, I'd act tough in that moment, I wouldn't like fight or defend myself or like, okay, listening, and then I'd go home and have a big cry. And then what that would do, it would then later, again, the

00:25:37--> 00:26:13

weight of now, you're not holding capable, you don't give yourself permission, you can't trust yourself. So criticisms really used to hit me really hard on a lot. And I would regress after progress, I would proceed in something and I put myself up, I'm going to do this and make something happen. And then what would happen is I would regress, I would like undo the progress that I'd made, because I would fall into not trusting myself, not feeling capable. So I would kind of yo yoing back and forth between stepping towards fulfilling, fulfilling my greater potential, and then pulling back again.

00:26:14--> 00:26:40

And obviously, overall, just not fulfilling my potential, and not giving myself permission to fulfill my potential. So and again, I'll just stay in this cycle of not feeling challenged, not feeling growth, not feeling fulfilled. And as we know, it's one of the human needs, growth is a human need, we need to feel like we growing, or it takes us to, you know, a sense of despondency, we feel quite low when we aren't growing.

00:26:42--> 00:26:53

So what happened? How did I overcome the obstacles, all those yucky kind of traps and bars and boundaries and hurdles that I put around myself? What happened? How did I overcome?

00:26:55--> 00:27:35

Obviously, I didn't now I'll tell you some of the cookie cutter things that I that I did and implemented, which helped hamdulillah like they do help these these things. So I changed my environment, you know, from not being around certain people or certain gatherings or at certain places, to even moving states on a lot, just getting out of the total environment, like a full fresh start. I would try to avoid toxic people as well. If I felt like people would often have a lot of negative things to say, or critical things to say, not even about me, but just about other things, I would try to stay away from that. Only because it would dampen my, my energy, working on myself

00:27:35--> 00:28:14

through reflection and learning. So you know, obviously personal development, learning reading books, watching talks, doing online programs, so started working on myself that that helped a little as well. I tried to increase my self awareness. So to really try to be in tune with what's going on within me and how am I feeling and actually challenging and questioning? Like, why am I feeling that way? And I was always trying to figure out where's the feeling coming from? I'd always you know, if I've felt something I just be like, where's this feeling coming from? Like, where does it stem from? And I'd hit all these again, like and hit dead ends because I wouldn't understand why am I feeling

00:28:14--> 00:28:33

this way? I'm trying to find reasons external to me for why I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling trapped, or I'm feeling limited, why I feel like I don't trust myself why I feel like I can't do something. So always kind of like trying to become more aware, I can feeling this way Why am I feeling this way.

00:28:34--> 00:29:22

And I started working on being my authentic self and started to say, Okay, now you have to give yourself permission, you can do this. So challenging myself talk, again, that self talk was able to change because I took myself out of certain environments. So that did really did help. But overall, what really helped me Subhanallah in overcoming those obstacles in such a pure, clear and easy way was I discovered the understanding of the Inside Out paradigm through Sister Catherine Jones through the Back to the Future mentoring academies quite a lot. And it changed me and changed my life and change the experience of my life in ways that I've never been able to discover. Through my Islamic

00:29:22--> 00:29:59

learning journey through my reading heaps of personal development books over the years doing a lot of personal development programs, workshops, having different mentors, I was never able to really understand why I felt certain ways about certain things. And that was until I discovered the Inside Out paradigms panela. And I'm so grateful for it because it actually came at a time where as I explained to you had gone through this low point that I'd never experienced in my life and I was like, what are the answers? How did I get here? Why do I feel this way? And once I could point out certain reasons is it

00:30:00--> 00:30:46

sternal reasons, it wasn't really taking me into myself to understanding myself, and how I was responsible for the experience of my life, it was always about external responsibilities, my upbringing, the people around me, where I lived, you know, what opportunities weren't there for me who wasn't supporting me all those sorts of things. So I was never given full responsibility, or never aware that I was the one who was fully and truly responsible for my experience of life. So what were the lessons that I learned in the process or the proof through developing the understanding of the incident paradigm, so I spent a year, it's nearly two years now, but in the

00:30:46--> 00:31:32

initial stages a year, really delving into developing my understanding of the Inside Out paradigm. And what I discovered was that my feelings are derived from my thoughts all the time, and just that light bulb moment to acknowledge that when I kept asking, Why do I feel this way, why do I feel this way to discover that the feeling is coming from what I'm thinking, and if I just, you know, adjust my thinking or checking or challenge my thinking that the feelings would go away. And over time, as I developed my understanding of it, and was able to to gradually have those unnecessary thoughts, or those false thoughts fall away, or those limiting thoughts as they fell away, upon a lie, I

00:31:32--> 00:31:44

experienced like, a real beautiful sense of wellbeing again, I started to feel well, I started to feel safe and stable, I started to feel more confident, I started to

00:31:45--> 00:32:31

just what I felt was really coming back to my true self, which was a beautiful state of, of peace and acceptance quite a lot. So I also learnt that I'm responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions all the time, no one else is ever responsible for what I'm thinking feeling or what I choose to do. And just that was super empowering, actually. Because sometimes we think that, no, the solutions or the answers are easier when we blame that others prevented me others were critical of me, others shut me down. Others didn't help us support me, that's actually not empowering to blame others, it's more empowering to say, Hang on, it's all on me. And when it is all on you, you can

00:32:31--> 00:33:10

become your own hero, because why would you not be there for you? Why would you not have your own back? So anytime you know that I would then see the hurdles, or the walls or the, you know, the limiting things in front of me will kind of creep up again, I'll say, Hang on, hang on, who's in charge here? And I was able to say I'm in charge. I'm in charge. These are my thoughts. These are my feelings. These are my actions. And let me make this decision. How do I want to feel in this moment? What do I want to focus focus on in this moment? What do I want to believe in this moment? And it was just amazing. Slowly snipping those ties to external validation and reassurance needs that I had

00:33:10--> 00:33:47

snipping those away, being able to just be my whole self and trust my health. So what an experience Connellan it wasn't an overnight thing, right? It was a gradually, so just be able to live life and go hang on that feeling. I used to feel it's not there anymore. That worry I used to have, it's not there anymore. That anxiety I used to have is not there anymore. That self doubt I used to dwell in isn't there anymore. It was just amazing. So to know that no one is responsible for my life or decisions but me and in Islam, this is what it is. We are only accountable for ourselves. So all of the blame worthy thoughts and language and feelings fell away.

00:33:49--> 00:34:32

To be able to realize that my perspective, and Allah's pleasure with me is what matters above anyone else's. This was really beautiful as well. This helps us as Muslims to establish a class, a high level of sincerity, when I realized that doesn't matter what anyone thinks. It's what I think about me and what I have to live with. And if Allah subhanaw taala is pleased with me, that that I have to live within this life and that's what matters above anyone else's. That's what comes first. Me and Allah, again, coming back to knowing yourself, knowing your Lord, to know that in life's journey and in the journey of the asker me and Allah, me and Allah and being able to be constantly like reminded

00:34:32--> 00:34:59

of that me and Hola. Hola. I'm about to do this good choice, bad choice. You check in with yourself and Bismillah you make the decision. So much more clear cut than the messy entanglements of hurdles and opinions and perspectives and worrying Subhanallah just to be so free from that has been amazing. And also the fact that my potential is as much as I allow myself to fulfill, which in fact, Pamela is unlimited outputs.

00:35:00--> 00:35:36

Tension is unlimited. So I used to feel the feeling blocked and feeling closing I'm not fulfilling my potential, or I'm not allowed to fulfill my potential I'm not able to fulfill fulfill my attempt potential. I don't carry that anymore spot on. Now I understand that my potential is and will be whatever I decide to pursue whatever I decide to grow in, whatever I decide to create whatever I decide to stand for, or represent or speak about, or take action in. It's up to me. And I'm just checking in with myself all the time between me and Allah subhanaw taala

00:35:38--> 00:36:04

so what about you, my dear sister, what about you? What do you want? What do you want for yourself? What do you see an envision for yourself? What potential Do you know you have inside within you? How could things change for you know, as you said, from my story, like things have changed drastically, from being a victim of life to now it's like Bismillah we going who's on the train? Let's go

00:36:05--> 00:36:22

you know, and I was so fragile and it wasn't that long ago. It's only been a few years. And the Inside Out paradigm understandings upon Allah has just changed changed me, changed my life changed my relationships change my perspective, changed my confidence. It's just rethought reformatted me.

00:36:24--> 00:37:06

So I want you to ask yourself time to be true to you try time to be selfish time to be what about me, myself and I because you are allowed to Allah to Allah grants you permission he says in the Quran, who and for sarcoma, nickel Naira, save yourself and your family from the fire. So who does he tell to save first yourself, save yourself first. love for your brother, what you love for yourself, love yourself first. Prophet sallallahu sallam said, Seek out that which benefits you what will benefit you in this life. And the next one is Sister, what do you want for yourself? What is your greater potential? How can things change for you, if you decide to step forward, if you decide

00:37:06--> 00:37:13

to make that decision to really be and live consciously as a Muslim, rather than on autopilot?

00:37:14--> 00:37:23

Imagine yourself living to your fullest potential. A lot of us are like I can't even imagine I don't go there. We don't go there. We don't dream big. No, we can't like that's dangerous.

00:37:24--> 00:38:07

But finally, we need to start imagining and envisioning ourselves living to our fullest potential. This life is so short. And we know that this dunya is the testing place. If we're not living to our fullest potential, then we're not fulfilling the purpose for why we're here. We're not here to just be on idle. We're not here to just be a car on idle, just you know, kind of like maybe rolling forward every now and then gently weren't meant to move forward. We're meant to grow we're meant to drive the this earth's panela we had the the healer for on Earth. We are the vice Gerrans, the caretakers. Were supposed to be the leaders, men, women, whatever our ages, believers should be

00:38:07--> 00:38:46

calling to Allah subhanaw taala and being amazing examples on this earth and saying to everyone come with us on this path to pleasing Allah subhanaw taala to living a life of purpose to fulfilling our potential. Why should we sit back and hide in the shadows. This is not why we're here. This is not wireless, one to other created us to sit back in the shadows, pray our five daily prayers and just you know, be quiet, we're supposed to call to something greater. We're supposed to live at a high level of excellence. Why? Because we have the most excellent roadmap for that we have the Quran and the Sunnah. So we're supposed to live according to that, which is the model for the highest life of

00:38:46--> 00:39:31

excellence. So imagine yourself this sister living to your fullest potential. I found this beautiful quote by Stacey charter. She said, don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are completely, the good and the bad. And make changes as you see fear. Not because you think someone else wants you to be different. So that really ties into being true to you living truly and authentically as yourself, fulfilling your greatest potential giving yourself permission to be who you truly are and want to be celebrating that inshallah

00:39:32--> 00:40:00

so what are the things like for me now? How's life for me apart from this flu hamdulillah I'm on the road and definitely able to implement fearless confidence, which was something that was important to me like I knew what confidence was, I knew that I could sometimes be confident, but I would still carry fear. Now I want to be fearlessly confident, where I don't carry fear and apprehension and self doubt and negative talks about my

00:40:00--> 00:40:41

So, I want to actively do what I'm scared of, in order to step into and towards, oh, that's a bit. Oh, that's a bit scary, that's new or that's a bit challenging, by now saying that you're going to do it, the more scared I feel about something, the more I'm like, well, you're gonna do that because you're not allowed. And it colletion and give you permission to feel unnecessary fear. You know? So, I tried to step into having fearless confidence now. Now, I don't give myself excuses. You know, I don't, you know, bring up things that kind of hold me back that I know. And I call myself out on my own BS, basically, you know, we can make excuses. Oh, but you're this but all these butts, butts

00:40:41--> 00:40:57

butts. Now I just, I just don't go there. And I used to go there all the time. Now, I just don't go there. It's just gone. Like there's little buts and ifs and what all those things have fun a lot just fallen away. It really is miraculous. I can't even explain how

00:40:58--> 00:41:41

resilience so much greater resilience. Now I can like bounce back, I used to have, you know, dips in moods or things would happen. And I'd be pretty bummed about it for a while. But now, even in the moment, while something really crazy is happening around me. Or you know, I'm dealing with something or mediating something, I have a whole lot more emotional resilience, or don't get beaten down and broken down like I used to, I bounce back so much better, so much faster. And a lot of the time I don't even fall like spoiler like I used to. Before, I used to be like a bumper car Bump, bump bounce everyone's fault for my moods, or how I've, you know, how I feeling or feeling stressed or

00:41:41--> 00:42:24

low. It's because of this and because of that all external to me. But now spoiler like something crazy can happen right in front of me. And I'm just calm in control, and not broken down by as such. So again, the calm is a big one. And that's always been one of my biggest goals. And, you know, especially as a mother, I would always say I want to be a really calm mother. And I spent a decade over a decade trying to figure out how to achieve that calm, I read, I did the personal development, I did the Islamic Development, and actually got worse, like I became more more of a frustrated mom more of an overwhelming tense mom. But now it's finally Even my kids say they'll tell me that, like

00:42:24--> 00:43:07

you're so different now. And I absolutely attribute it to my developing my understanding of the Inside Out paradigm that my feelings come from my thoughts all the time, that responsibility for myself, that if I'm not calm, it's no one's fault. It's me who's creating that lack of calm. So now I just actively choose calm, and you know, able to implement great resilience. So focus is a big one now, when you your mind isn't clouded by everything going on around you and what others are saying or doing able to really hone in and create what it is in your life that you want to create. So like now my life is very, like I know exactly what I want. I know what my values are. And I know it's

00:43:07--> 00:43:48

time to go get that it's time to go do that. And it's time to work on this and just that amazing focus rather than kind of being in a whirlwind freedom. It's part of life, it's so liberating. Because we don't realize that our thoughts and feelings can become ways of self repression, feeling trapped by the opinions of others, feeling trapped by my own, you know, false limitations that I placed around myself. So being able to experience true freedom, like what is it that I choose today? What is the quality of life that I choose to apply? It's, it's very freeing as Paula between me and Allah, all of my decisions, it's so liberating hamdulillah and of course, hamdulillah and how things

00:43:48--> 00:44:15

have changed for me now I feel like I am fulfilling my potential. And I feel like I am excited about the unknown of the future of what my potential is and what I might uncover. So every day I feel excited about life. I feel like optimistic about the future. I feel hopeful. Because you know, as I continue on this journey, I'm not weighed down by baggage, I'm not adding more baggage, it's just a free moving process quite a lot.

00:44:17--> 00:44:18

And so much more.

00:44:20--> 00:44:59

Alright, so where to next for you, my dear sister. I really would encourage you to consider learning more about the Inside Out paradigm as you can see, like I don't even have words to explain how it has changed my life and changed me as a person. I'm just so super grateful for it and I feel like everyone around the world, every human being should be blessed to know and have this knowledge. So do consider learning more about the Inside Out paradigm through the back to the fitrah mentoring Academy connects with me on socials or any of the other speakers and presenters find us on social media. We pump out this message we provide this support constantly and

00:45:00--> 00:45:38

Um, through the different things that we've posted, put out there, feel free to book in a chat with me as well if you feel like you want to talk and have a one on one and just see where you're at, and if it's something that you might like to do in terms of working together, feel free to flick me an email. And you can always inquire about my upcoming developing diamonds inner circle program, which I'll be launching in the next few months. So it's about taking a group of ladies to work closely with me throughout each month, where we continue through life and develop that emotional spiritual resilience, as well as other Islamic mindset and life skills, and lots of personal development stuff

00:45:38--> 00:46:18

that I always love having the love but being able to be connected to me on an ongoing basis, and that's coming out in the next few months inshallah. And of course, you'll benefit from any existing content and courses available. I've got lots of free stuff online, a lot of talks that I've done, and I have different courses that pre recorded that you can purchase and, and learn from as well. But other than that, it's been amazing to be here with you guys, just for listening so attentively, I can't wait to read what's going on in the comments and to hear your thoughts and feedback. And again, apologies that I started off a bit slow, just the the fogginess of this beautiful head cold

00:46:18--> 00:46:19


00:46:20--> 00:46:28

Yeah, so thank you everyone, just like labs panicle Lahoma we have the hispanica Lahoma we have Nika I should have Allah Allah how you learn semester

00:46:33--> 00:46:36

my cat or well my Shala where do we begin

00:46:38--> 00:47:24

Beautiful job Felicia Masha Allah disciple affair. Kulish has link is actually in the chat. But you can also find it later in the membership area, if you want to book in a session with her. We have a question here about copies of slides. So I will talk to each of the speakers about that to see if they're willing to share them. But we probably would only share them within the paid membership, we wouldn't just hand them out to everybody. So if you are somebody who has purchased the the recordings, then perhaps we may be able to see if they're willing to share their slides or not. But that will be if they're interested. We've got one question here. It's not quite identity related.

00:47:24--> 00:48:01

But you might want to give it a go. Felicia says I do everything from family. I work full time. Now that COVID here, how have you lost his job? So he's home since much I'm tired working full time and doing housework, cooking, cleaning, sometimes, like I'm lost, I get frustrated, angry and scream at my family and I need help. What would you say to that, Felicia? I would say I probably will used to be like that, as well, you know, had moments or used to behave in that way. And I'm not proud of it. And I used to hate that I would behave that way. Because I'd always told myself, I'll never be that type of mother.

00:48:02--> 00:48:32

Because it's, you know, I saw examples of that in my journey growing up, and I told him, I don't want to be like that. And then Subhan Allah, by default, we sometimes can become what we don't want to be like. So you know, I'd say to the sister to really look into understanding where those thoughts and behaviors are coming, you know, the behaviors are coming from the feeling, and the feeling is coming from your thought processes. So to ask yourself, what is it that I'm thinking and telling myself about my life or about my situation?

00:48:33--> 00:49:10

Am I blaming, that I'm, you know, tired or frustrated or overwhelmed by the demands of life. And really, we all have so many demands policies, the Katherine's got a bunch of kids, I've got a bunch of kids, and we have businesses, and we work and we volunteer, and we do speaking, we do a lot of things. But we choose those things. And we never make anyone responsible for how busy we are, or how much pressure we're under. We even invite pressure and overwhelmed like I used to get quite overwhelmed. And now people they'll say to how are you doing this? How are you doing that? Don't you feel overwhelmed, I'm like, not overwhelmed, because it's what I choose. And I just make sure that

00:49:10--> 00:49:27

I've managed life and show up in those little moments in those little minutes in between going from task to task is this the life I choose? Is this the life that I'm, you know, consciously living and it becomes sweet, you become grateful for every moment, even when they are pressure cooker moments.

00:49:28--> 00:49:59

But you know, sometimes it can become that because we're under a lot of demands, and we're not getting enough time to be true to yourself. You're not giving yourself permission to learn something that you really want to learn or to do something you really want to do or you're not doing some self care time for yourself things that give you personal joy. Sometimes we can end up lashing out at those who do have demands upon us. And maybe you're carrying some thoughts, you know, which could be it's just a suggestion without you

00:50:00--> 00:50:36

No, it's kind of like blaming everyone else needs me and I'm doing everything for everyone else. And then there's this, but what about me? And then we can become very cranky towards everyone else because of that, that it comes back to again, like I said earlier in my talk being responsible, who is responsible for your happiness? Only you are my sister. No one else is responsible for your happiness. So if you need to find where does your happiness lie? Where do you derive your happiness from, then it's definitely a journey I suggest you embark upon and get support through that journey, get a coach or a mentor or join the Academy and learn how to

00:50:38--> 00:50:39

insha Allah.

00:50:40--> 00:51:22

So we've got another question, will you please elaborate a little more as to how you develop self esteem? It's something I've been struggling with all the time despite reading and listening to the lectures, I don't feel that change. Yeah, so looking at self esteem, no self esteem is like the beliefs that you carry about yourself. So it's what you say to yourself. on autopilot. Often it's on autopilot, right your self esteem, some of us Hamdi la raised beautifully parents built that self esteem that didn't damage that self esteem because by our fitrah we are born naturally to love and appreciate ourselves. Like you look at a five year old, they're not saying I am dumb or I'm this or

00:51:22--> 00:52:03

I'm skinny, I'm I'm fat, or they don't say those things to themselves, they just live present in the moment free. Unfortunately, kind of that's changing, because the negativity is reaching younger and younger ages upon a loss through the environment. But what what we often automatically say to ourselves is what was imprinted upon us growing up or through our environment, you know, maybe through a spouse, maybe through some, you know, friends who have said some negative things about you, and then you start to adopt and then believe, or that becomes even sometimes your neuro wiring your brain wiring is so automated, that your your self talk in the background is I'm dumb. I'm not

00:52:03--> 00:52:33

good enough, I'm worthless. And for me, I carried a bit of that, because I actually grew up with 5050. Like, one, you know, negative parent, and I had a really positive parent. So I was always torn between the two. You know, I was always like, Okay, this parents isn't good. So I know, I'm good. I've got some potential there. And another parent that would just like when the moods would kick in, it was just your this, your that, you know, put down swear words, those types of things. So I carried a bit of like, I know I'm worth something. No, but you're not. It's a battle between the two.

00:52:34--> 00:53:10

And when I tried to step forward in life, I'm like, Okay, again, I had I know I've got potential. And then that self talk of the messaging from my childhood, in my innocent times, in my innocent years, was still running in the background, but then part of being an adult. Now you got to choose my sister, what do you choose to say to yourself, and you have to choose what is most pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala. What is most pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala is to say to yourself, what he says to you, what does he say to you, he's, he loves that he loves you unconditionally, that you are a leader on this earth, that you are worth so much that you are worthy of all blessings and

00:53:10--> 00:53:45

forgiveness and Rockman and, you know, and peace, you're worthy of all of that, by default. Allah wants to Allah chooses that for all of us. And once that for all of us. So it's about being true to you again, being true to Allah to Allah, and listening to the narrative that he says about you and your worth and your, your confidence and your potential. What does he say about it? And we have to kind of again, we're like rewiring now we have to believe what Allah says about us, rather than the negative things that were said or that happened to us in our life. Allah knows best.

00:53:48--> 00:54:00

Okay, so we've got we've meant to time to have a break between sessions, but we've got so many questions coming in, Felicia. So are you okay to keep going for another five minute? Yeah, Charla

00:54:01--> 00:54:05

for collation. She's going back to back between conferences today. So

00:54:06--> 00:54:11

I've got a few hours because I got the time wrong. So I've got a few hours. So the next one. Okay.

00:54:12--> 00:54:22

So I think aliens asked me to say that if you've upgraded, your membership recordings will be available after the conference. So that's just a little announcement that popped up here.

00:54:23--> 00:54:59

We have another question regarding the environment. I used to live in another place where Subhan Allah was able to achieve something amazing and was self assured. After returning back home this last few years, I feel that my confidence has been eroded. How can I regain self confidence despite the environment? Yeah. So sometimes it is, it's a bit of like an easy, it's an easy exit or an easy opt in to say, oh, I'll just move and change environment and then I have more confidence when I'm in an environment away from you know, maybe the toxic people, but ideally, you want to be able to thrive and fulfill your potential regardless of the invite

00:55:00--> 00:55:41

moment you're in. Because what's happening is we're telling ourselves, again, these false messages about putting the responsibility of what your potential is based on external factors. So it's like all but when I'm in that town or that suburb, those people are there. And when they're there, I can't be myself, I can't do these goals because they get jealous. Or they might say this, or they might make trouble. It doesn't matter where you are, you still need to be true to yourself and fulfill these ambitions and goals and do this work that you know, you were put here to do. If you live limiting yourself, you are forever going to be held hostage by those opinions of others, and

00:55:41--> 00:56:20

not even if their real opinion might just be assumed opinions. So again, look at the ties and the bonds and the beliefs that we create, about you know, certain things which we assume are responsible for our quality of life and they're actually not. So like I said, it's about like, like snipping away. They're not responsible, I need to live my, my greatest truth. I don't care what they say snip, so it doesn't matter where you are, you still need to inshallah move forward. Or if you don't, that's where your sense of dissatisfaction will come in. Like it's a choice, a fulfilled and satisfied life by being true to yourself, or like I explained in those few little research points.

00:56:20--> 00:56:50

If you're not authentic, and you live to please others, your happiness is going to dwindle, you won't feel fulfillment, you won't feel joy, you won't feel true in a state of happiness. So that that state of happiness is up to us. We have so much more like power and control over our quality of life than we even realize we have no idea that it's all it's all in our hands. And ultimately, Allah subhanaw taala is hands, but it's all in your hands. This is the quality of life that you live.

00:56:51--> 00:57:11

Yeah, beautiful. Hamdulillah. Okay, we've got another question here. How can we face the criticism that it's making us feel down and difficult to get up and start over? Because I feel alone when I build my startup? And even if there's any sisters around who wanted to help me?

00:57:12--> 00:57:37

Yep. So feeling low because of the criticisms? I'll tell you something interesting. When I started my business, the people closest to me that I'd worked with for over a decade. Still till today, I haven't had one word of congratulations, one word of how's your business going? And for me, like, the silence was emotionally violent to me. Like it was emotional.

00:57:39--> 00:57:54

I was still like, it's it isn't I have a little twinge. But you know, but I just don't have that I leave that with them. Like, that's their, whatever it is with them. And that's okay. I know that. I'm so proud of myself for starting my business. I'm so proud of the hard work that's gone into it on a lot.

00:57:55--> 00:58:22

So, and even though I did also get negative criticisms were like, well, at least they're saying something, but they're saying it to my face, but it's not helpful at all, you know. So again, it's about like that responsibility. It's knowing now that at the end of the day, when I go to sleep, I need to say to myself, I lived my truth today. And I did what I know, was pleasing to Allah, it's what I was put here for, it makes me happy. And stuff the rest of them.

00:58:23--> 00:59:03

You need to be able to say, doesn't matter what anyone says, or things like other people's opinions, we give it so much weight, and I heard a talk the other day, I can never remember the exact words but it's like, the weight you give to the opinion of others, you know about you, it. It really like it devalues you the fact that you give it so much weight, what you think of you should matter so much more than what others think of you on the Day of Judgment when you stand before a law. And you're going to say a lot I did this I didn't do this, you will answer your opinion of you. I worked hard for you or Allah or on the dangers and we're gonna stand there and be like that person come and

00:59:03--> 00:59:36

just say something can that person come and say something? No, between you and Allah to speak for yourself? They're going to be worried about themselves. This is why even Islamic model everyone is to their own everyone's running away from each other and the day of judgment. You got to answer for you. But what excuses will be valid? No. Like, those people were negative. So I didn't you know, I didn't do that Dawa program. I didn't go and teach Quran salah, because those people were toxic and they said this and they did that. It's not going to be good enough. Like you have so much to give each and every one of us have so much to give someone a lot.

00:59:38--> 00:59:49

So you're not going to go and get a proper job then kaneesha Oh, I can only have a I can't have a proper job. Don't know, like, a couple of days of work. And then yeah.

00:59:51--> 00:59:53

That wasn't the answer. I was.

00:59:54--> 00:59:59

He was supposed to say no, this is a proper job. Just speaking my truth Kathy

01:00:00--> 01:00:00


01:00:01--> 01:00:02


01:00:04--> 01:00:47

I know we need we need more business women we need our entrepreneurial minds we need us to be leaders of you know we can't just be bottom feeders as Muslims start a business system make it grow and make it grow big dream big and it's going to it we need we need our Muslim businesses to like become you know build economic power in the online in the you know in the global scene as well we want people to come to us because we have these amazing candle businesses or we have amazing coaching businesses are we out we own a an awesome salon or a supermarket like why you know why not on well we we've got a we're gonna do this all together.

01:00:48--> 01:01:13

So, Leila, I'm afraid we'll have to come back to you at some point and with your question, because we need to move on to the next segment. But I'm just gonna here for say, saying that you're learning a lot from the conference and I mean to your DUA, but we will keep your question there. It'll stay there and we will answer it at some point. colletion Zack will appear for

01:01:14--> 01:01:24

your time today and you didn't sound foggy even though you thought you did. Quite clear to the rest of us. So have a very good job of disguising it. I

01:01:28--> 01:01:56

look forward to seeing you in the panel discussion on addiction which will be in a little while time. So if anyone wants to hear more of Felicia, just hang around and don't forget there's a link in there to book a session with her if you wish. Awesome debacle. Okay, thanks so much for having me and a quick shout out to my beautiful sister Diane who's tuned in just sending you love and salaam sister Diane and yet everyone else thank you so much for interacting and being here hunting

01:01:57--> 01:02:00

cycle hopefully, Catherine finally come back