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Islam Marriage And The Family – Part 4

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Zaid Shakir

Channel: Zaid Shakir

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah

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Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Sade, and we're sitting by the annual Samuel Selim. So we've reached the point of

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managing anger, anger, management, fight fair. Manage your anger, which indicates we're going to get angry even in the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam that talks about. So men came to the Prophet Allah son will call out any car that talks about, don't get angry. That doesn't mean you look at any commentary on that Hadith, it doesn't mean never be angry. Because there there are other Hadees and other teachings that indicate we should get angry for certain things for the sake of a law. In the face of an oppressor, we should manifest anger. But what it means is, don't behave and act in a state of anger. And don't allow your anger to remove you from the realm of lawful behavior.

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That's what it means. It doesn't mean never get angry, that would be ordering us to have something we don't have the capacity to bear and to implement. Because every human being so the Prophet sallallahu wasallam got angry, on occasion. What this means is, don't act in a state of anger. And never allow your anger to remove you from the realm of lawful behavior. That's what it means. So the emphasis is on managing your anger, your anger. So as we mentioned before, if we're believers, then our Islamic teachings should check how we act when we're angry, especially in the context of our relationships.

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And it and more particularly our relationships in general, but our relationships with each other as Muslims, specifically. Otherwise, if we allow our anger to overwhelm us if we allow our anger, anger to control our tongues and unleash our tongues against each other, and unacceptable ways. There's some serious consequences. So for example, the first area does have your will Lydian rune and meaning will mean it will really make testable foccacia tamariu butano Rubina, so those who harm and abuse the believers, and many times our language is abusive to each other, to our fellow believers, whether the new moon and mininum Well, Mark Minetti we already make testable for other than that

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which they deserve or have earned falcata tamariu butano with meme Vina such people have incurred

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a great transgression and clear sin. It's meme Rubina, it is sinful. We have to answer to Allah subhanho wa Taala. How many relationships and again at all level between husbands and wives, parents and children, children and parents, friends and associates have been ruined, due to an inappropriate word or action that was undertaken during a fit of anger.

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And then there's nothing but regret. Because once those words are are unleashed, we can bring them back

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is like that email you send out and then 10 seconds later he said, I shouldn't have sent that

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shouldn't have hit sent? Well, once you hit send, you can't bring it back. Most services you can maybe Silicon Valley, you know something? I don't know. Let me know. But once you hit send on that button in your heart, and your tone response, you can bring that word back and oftentimes not oftentimes, but sometimes that word invite involves great harm to the believers. So we should be cognizant of that whether the noon meanwhile may not be ready make testable forecasts, but no with mem Rubina. So this is a source of

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rate, a great transgression and clear sin.

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The prophet SAW Allah tala mentions in how these codes even addley when De Anza adds them to hubel hub. So this is on there only three offenses in the whole corpus of our religious teachings that a lot Khalid declares war against tour well known one is here one, whoever transgresses against the one I've befriended and taken under my care and protection, then I declare war against that person for what adds them to will harm.

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Okay, and the second the one who consumes Riba, the third I actually forgot is a very rare one. And most is not mentioned in most books, but it is mentioned in

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the hater Tommy's

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book as a wedgie.

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So I'll try to track it down.

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In any case, this is one, then ideally when the young whoever transgresses offense harms one I have befriended

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the one I've taken under my care and protection, socket and then to who will herb I declare a war against that person. Why is that relevant here?

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In the context of marriage, or relationships between believers in general, why is why do we mention that here? What is the relevance of that? In terms of what we're talking about right now?

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None of us knows who these only are. Well, he singular plural Olia. None of us know who the idea of a law Tod are. A lot Tyler mentioned is in the Quran and only Allah homophone la him well known and let me know what can we attack. Any believer who has taqwa who has piety can be a weenie? And not only a law are not the those beloved and protected by law?

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The ln Alia Ella Dena M. What can we add to Ellen lacco? finale? Milan? Yes, no, there will be no fear or grief upon them. Who are they led in an airman who those who believe Well, can we attack them and they have Taqwa that can be any believer on the face of the earth.

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That can be any believer on the face of the earth.

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In your law Lady naza lol keytab bajo Yata Juan la sala him. So my protecting friend is a law who has revealed the Scripture and he undertakes the affair of the righteous it can be any solid

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in your law who led the Netherland keytab while Jolla Tawana la sala him

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any solid So, in other words, your husband, your wife, your parent, your child, your neighbor, your brother, your sister, believer, can be a Wally and when you speak

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harshly to them, when you harm them with your words or your deeds that can invoke the war of Allah subhanho wa Taala upon you.

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Not because I said a lot tileset had difficulty and Abu hurayrah Terra de la Han on Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam female your V and rugby as the word l men are the Li were De Anza as mobile hub

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hollows, we have to be very, very careful how we treat each other. And that being the case we have to manage our anger. Again, we're going to get angry.

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We're humans, we're going to get angry. But when we do, it's time to make we do to put that fire out. It's time to sit down to change our state. So a physical change in state results in a a spiritual change in state. If we're sitting down we should recline. These are all instructions we've been given to manage anger. If none of that seems to have the first thing Bismillah our who Billahi min ash shaytani r rajim. If none of that works, leave physically leave. You know, let's talk about this later. Bam. I'm outta here.

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Change the environment. Another Hades. Man can you lead with your man after failure polka urine only a smart Whoever believes

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In a law and the last day, let him or her speak well or remain silent,

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speak well or remain silent. And

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men can, you know be left alone will accurate failure colcannon only mode. So again, if we don't have something good to say, and

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there's no good in that.

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There's no good in that.

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Like those New York Times presentations, depictions of Muslims,

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there is no good in that love, failure failure. Cool. Hi, Ron Ali Osman, I'm going to reposition the computer just so I don't have to run back and forth to change pages.

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So we're here, whoever believes in a law and the last day speak well, or remain silent. So sometimes, we have to condition ourselves, restrain ourselves force ourselves to be silent. And it's in everyone's best interest.

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All right now, as we mentioned, and any relationship friends, husband, wife, parent, child, any relationship there's going to be bouts of anger. Human beings cannot go through this world, and never get angry. If we did, we'd be angels, we wouldn't be human beings. So there's going to be anger.

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The important thing for us is not to speak or act. When we're angry. As we mentioned, that's what's important. We feel that anger welling up in us is time to be silent. And it's time to refrain and restrain our actions. Because if we act in this state, in all likelihood, we're going to do something that's regrettable. As you all know, the Cordy cannot rule in a state of anger. So if a judge is angered by something, that judge cannot issue a ruling until his anger subsides. And then he can issue a verdict, but in a state of anger, because anger affects our thought processes. So

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don't speak right. Now, let's read this very carefully. Here. Most arguments or ill advised words can be avoided if we respect respect the halt rule, what does halt mean? Hope?

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Yes? To stop to imagine,

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whoa,

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whoa,

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stop. So what is the halt rule? Don't try to talk, stop talking. Don't try to talk about serious matters. If you or your spouse or your friend or your parent or your child are hungry,

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angry,

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tired, lazy, or tired? exhausted? thing? How many? How many arguments have occurred because someone was not allowed to go get something to eat?

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Think about it.

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He stopped and now we're talking about this, right?

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Okay.

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If you're hungry, don't talk about anything serious. Because it's gonna make problems. Seriously, this is tried and tested. angry. This is the context we're talking about right now. Lazy, you just our language, you don't have any.

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You don't feel like doing anything, or tire you just worn out. So laziness is more of a mental state. So a lot of lazy people have energy, they just don't have the frame of mind to expend that energy, and tired or fatigue as you just don't have any energy. But in all cases, when one tries to talk about serious things in these states, problems usually ensue. And this is scientifically verified. I'm not making this up. All of these states or none of these states rather, are conducive to

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productive conversations. So go get something to eat, take a nap.

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refresh yourself. Let the anger die down and then talk about something that's really serious or significant.

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Never try to win an argument

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because a serious discussion should be undertaken to manifest the truth

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and not to impose your point of view on the other person. So, if that's the case,

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as a as an argument, a dispute within the parameters of acceptability is undertaken to arrive at the truth.

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When we start trying to win,

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then we're in it for our knifes for our ego, and not for the truth.

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We're in it for our ego for the sake of our ego, and not for the sake of the truth, as the Mount Shasta is mentioned, to paraphrase them, that

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I love to see the truth manifested on the tongue of my opponent.

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Because I'm interested in the truth, and not in my opinion. So if my opponent brings forth the truth, that's what I'm after.

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So that should be one of our codes. One of the things we operate by that whenever we're in an argument, or discussion, and an argument doesn't necessarily mean, a heated exchange, that's a heated argument, an argument is an exchange undertaken to establish the truth. So when there's a case, now, where the prot the defense now present its arguments. So that doesn't mean the defense lawyer, okay judge, like these people,

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arguments, a systematic presentation ideas to manifest the truth. So it's not just yelling and screaming. So if we're discussing an intelligent fashion, we're arguing this particular point.

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Usually, we associate that with the kind of dramatics and theatrical we're illustrating earlier, but that's not the case. But this is, this should never be the case, we should never be in an argument.

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To win.

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We should be in an argument to have the truth manifestation manifested. And if it's manifested on the tongue of the person we're talking to, that's good. We just want to manifest it. And never invalidate the source of someone's anger. That's a biggie, that a lot of people who get into heated arguments, oftentimes do. They try to

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invalidate the source of someone's anger. And that will only make the person more angry. What does it mean? Someone tell me what does that mean to invalidate the source of someone's anger? And give me an example of that? Anybody?

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Well, not exactly. If you saying you're wrong, you're not invalidating the source of their anger. You're just not acknowledging it. Yes.

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Yeah. Okay.

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Yes.

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You Yes.

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You're

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right. Right. Okay, sister.

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Stop acting like a baby. or something. Like,

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you know, if you were mature about this, you wouldn't be upset at all.

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And so what's that person gonna do? Cuz now you not only invalidated the source of their anger, you just belittled them also, like acting like a baby. You know, I don't know why you people always protesting.

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I mean, you have is so good in this country.

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Right, validate the source of someone's angry anger. So that's something we should never do in the context of an argument, affirm the anger, if it's valid, you should be upset. We're going to mention an example of this a little later. Change your environment. Why? Because the nuts can become comfortable with dysfunction.

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Soon is that the NES the eagle smells the argument

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Ah, ah, this is gonna be good this time. You can become comfortable with dysfunction and then that becomes the norm.

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That becomes the norm you become uncomfortable with peace and serenity.

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So when that happens, we have to change the environment.

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To put the NES in a different environment. How come

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and so one of the early Muslim is thermocol effort to HVAC. I knew there were literally I knew the word IQ. So be tested. McAuliffe, Macalester to hell whack I knew the whack changing, opposing the inclination of your soul is the essence of your cure.

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And posing the inclination of your soul is the essence of your cure.

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Why do you think so many people become Muslim in prisons.

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One reason is the Nef is in an unfamiliar environment.

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And so now the person has a chance to reflect and to get to a normal level of, of internal.

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What's the good word? internal stuff equilibrium, because the dominant environment renders us out of balance. So in an imbalanced state, we cannot reflect on the signs that a lot Tyler's placed in his creation, and that he presents to us in his scripture. But in an in an environment

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where we're at a greater state and a greater state of equilibrium. Now we can absorb and assimilate those messages. And it clicks. The way it didn't click when we were in that environment, qualified by dysfunction. So the nuts can become very comfortable. Some of you know people that they love a good a good heated argument.

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Oh, boy, whenever they see they're ready to jump in. Yeah, that's feeling tastes great.

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Less filling tastes great.

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And then they just sit back and enjoy a revel in it. And so changing that state of familiarity is a key to interrupting that dysfunction, and bringing the nuts into a state of balance or equilibrium.

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Avoid comparisons and competitions.

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So never compare a person you're arguing with with someone else. So you're not nice, so and so he wouldn't be upset by this. And see my sister never got upset about that.

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I'm not your sister.

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Matter of fact, I'm not even your wife anymore.

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Be careful with comparisons and competition. And this society encourages competition between men and women. A lot Tyler mentioned yesterday that's what we started off with the brain sex tax test where they said that we can prove that the male is in no way like the female we are different. We're physiologically different. We're emotionally different. And we were made that way to complement each other. And the cell Shaka ecoregion women are the complimentary halves of men Yes sir.

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Oh, we try to measure up to them that's a different situation. Well, I mean never compare people you're arguing with with someone else like I said, you know, my sister wouldn't get upset by that.

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Or you know, if you were like a brother and that you wouldn't be bothered I will go back go marry brother.

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So never make comparisons in the context of an argument, calm discussion, you should try to be more like so and so have good quad that's calm but in an argument. So again, this is in the context of an argument to try to avoid these things.

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No one is supposed to be abused. We mentioned now daughter will lead DRR our religion one of the foundational principle the five foundational Maxim's

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we'll write them on the board

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the five foundational legal Maxim's that qualify and characterize our religion.

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So the first moral

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be

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that our city here

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so,

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so more Ruby Macau Cydia things matters are assessed based on their underlying objectives that emanates from the Hadith in the Milanello vignette, actions are based on the judge based on the intentions behind them the second of these Maxim's

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is

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and that's the one relevant here

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adorar

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use add

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harm is to be removed.

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So there's no way Islam accommodates the harm that comes from violent

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acts and behavior.

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You're no good.

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I don't even know why I married you in the first place. How can I have a friend like you friends like you who needs enemies? And so those things are harmful and hurtful. So they have no basis in the religion Why? Because harm is to be removed at Dadar. You said the third

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and added to Mohawk Canada that

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cost them has legal weight. So and this is one of the greatest factors that facilitated the spread of this man.

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Islam never tried to eradicate indigenous customs and cultures. That's why you see the wide variety of dress of food that you find throughout the oma is traditional Malaysian cuisine the same as

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Pakistani cuisine. No is traditional, just a South Asian cuisine Indian, Pakistani Bengali cuisine, the same as the cuisine of the Arabian Peninsula.

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Certainly not. Is the cuisine of the the Persians. The same as the cuisine of the Turks? No.

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is the Chinese

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much of classical what we associated with Chinese cuisine came from the Muslims.

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Peking duck is a Muslim dish.

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And the best Peking duck they go to the Muslims because they won't allow Peking duck. If you're in Peking, you get your Peking duck from the Muslims halau Peking duck, that's the best one. And so clothing traditionally dickered dress like people in the Emirates 100 200 years ago, no courage to call the big belts and baggy pants. And the people in the college had the dishdasha and

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the gear there. And the people in Nigeria. There are general themes loose rope looseness, covering the naked and the long robes is strike hats very regal.

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There's variety. And Islam never came to eradicated that everyone has the dress the same way.

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Wherever it went, wherever there was custom that did not conflict with any direct rulings or teachings or principles of the snap, it was accommodated and absorbed. Were marriages weddings conducted in Malaysia amongst the Muslims in Malaysia the way weddings are conducted amongst the Muslims in Bosnia. Oh, it's a tremendous difference. There.

00:30:00--> 00:30:18

The basics as you hold Mahara iyabo cabul wilaya there is a base I will recap but the specifics are determined by custom why one of the foundational Maxim's of the religion and added to Mohawk kana

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and then the fourth

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myshop got to live

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at tastes, you

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must Shaka to live at tastier difficulty.

00:31:15--> 00:32:13

So difficulty calls for facilitating ease. So the difference between number two and number four, this is a permanent source of harm that's removed permanently. This is a temporary difficulty that is facilitated or accommodated only as long as it indoors. So for example, if you're starving, which is a difficulty, and there's no food available, then one can eat pork or drink wine to preserve one's life. So this doesn't call for a permanent ruling, but a temporary facilitation. That's the difference between two and four number for you once we a couple weeks ago discuss this even right here. Once the scholars knew of the harm and cigarette smoking, then it was permanently forbidden by

00:32:13--> 00:32:15

any scholar this worth his turban

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so because why is the lung cancer in these the heart disease in these the throat cancer lung disease, so that was permanently removed that harm whereas this is temporary facilitation and Michelle Cartagena tayseer and then the fifth

00:32:46--> 00:32:47

laya Zulu

00:32:48--> 00:32:51

le Aquino f1 Elio pain

00:32:56--> 00:32:58

le octane olaiya Zulu

00:33:00--> 00:33:00

bisha

00:33:08--> 00:33:11

so certainty

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is not removed

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by doubt

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So, Elliot, Elliot the new layer Zulu

00:33:33--> 00:33:33

this check

00:33:35--> 00:34:04

so certainty what we're certain of is not removed by doubt. So if you sure you may, we'll do this morning. And when vorher comes and you're not sure if you lost it, then you still have to do why because you're certain about making Moodle got up for failure? Maybe we'll do didn't go back to bed study my Arabic for Arabic intensive then ran over here and so never went back to sleep Navarre comes did I do?

00:34:05--> 00:34:57

So you're not sure so you have to do why certainty is not removed by check out a higher level. A person is innocent because we're sure of his or her innocence until proven guilty without full about the guilt. So until we have certainty about their guilt, they're entered Edison y. Le Aquino laya Zulu Bishkek so that's a legal principle a maximum that's operative in our system here in the West. So anyway, those are those five legal Maxim's How do we go on that tangent right here. No one is to be reviewed, abused that Dora use that. So screaming at someone insulting them, berating them, belittling them, that is abuse, manipulating them psychologically in ways that cause pain and

00:34:57--> 00:35:00

stress. That's abuse and physical

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striking someone all of those are forms of abuse that are unacceptable in Islam. And they're in congruence with the son of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. And those are the soon and we have to put emphasis on as much as we emphasize. The sooner we have the beard, or hijab or the superficial, the Miss wack the superficial things.

00:35:26--> 00:35:29

The prophets Allah Salam never

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struck a woman. He never struck a child solo. I was seldom, he never berated any of his

00:35:40--> 00:36:31

peep any of the people in his vicinity sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So we have to bring these things to mind as we go through our daily life and daily activity tivities there's a saying there is a variety of this as a Hadith, but I couldn't find it and I don't remember the exact wording so we just present it as a saying and what Malaya Hina nafsa. A believer doesn't expose himself or herself to humiliation. So what's the point here? If someone's abusing you, as we'll state more clearly, later on, get out of the situation? temporarily at least, don't stay in a situation where you're abused. Someone's yelling and screaming at you to say excuse me, and leave. Don't stay there. You

00:36:31--> 00:36:42

stupid you, idiot. You just impossible you're an ignoramus at the find new adjectives to describe the depth of your stupidity.

00:36:43--> 00:36:48

Okay, look, okay, Masha, Allah, what are you thinking of some new words Amata here,

00:36:49--> 00:37:03

don't stay there, a believer doesn't expose himself or herself to humiliation, I know, a lot of the shoe won't come here anymore, because they don't want to be humiliated at the border

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is a valid reason not to come here. The law give us all asiyah

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and different government

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never feel

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never feel guilty about being angry if your anger is justified. So a lot of times a person will be made. So this is on the other side. As we mentioned, we should never invalidate the legitimate anger that someone is displaying. We could try to moderate it. But we shouldn't invalidate it. And we all show on the other side should not feel guilty. If anger is justified, a lot of times, someone will try to make you feel guilty for being angry, and therefore make you blame you for being a victim of their abuse. So you're abusing me, I'm upset with it? Well, you shouldn't be upset. And so you're getting guilty, well, maybe it is my fault. Or maybe I should be more mature about this and, and not

00:38:13--> 00:38:20

act like a baby. And so you have a valid reason to be upset. And so don't be guilty about it.

00:38:21--> 00:38:54

But don't allow that anger to lead you into haraam speech or actions. And argument does not make you enemies. So when people get angry, and have an argument that doesn't make you enemies. So we mentioned earlier, don't look or yesterday, don't look for a good guy or a bad guy. just acknowledge the disagreement try to identify the cause of it, and move on. And this is where spouses have to be more like family. So how many of you have brothers or sisters?

00:38:55--> 00:39:20

had just about everyone here? How many of you? Second question, have had an argument with your brothers and or sisters? And how many of you despite the argument capitalism being brother and sister, you didn't divorce your brother or sister because of an argument. So sometimes we'll have arguments, but that does not make us enemies.

00:39:21--> 00:39:50

Just like as brothers and sisters, women become enemies. You know, maybe we had an argument at breakfast, and then we went out and had dinner together. We didn't become enemies because of an argument. So an argument does not make you enemies. A bad argument can be damaging to a relationship. But most of the arguments we have they're not a source of immunity, just you know, and when you can approach it like that, what do you usually do?

00:39:51--> 00:39:59

You laugh at it later on. You say that that now? I called you stupid and an idiot. I apologize.

00:40:00--> 00:40:34

Seriously, but that argument was stupid and idiotic. And then you laugh at it, you know what it was, I mean, just so silly. Like that got us almost a blows, you laugh at it and move on. But to have the ability to do that is to have the ability not to allow the argument to make you enemies to maintain good relations. To understand that, look, there was a cause for this, let's try to identify that cause, as opposed to

00:40:35--> 00:40:49

becoming enemies. And then move on. Okay. shouldn't happen, was totally idiotic. But it did happen. So let's move on now. Wrong way.

00:40:52--> 00:40:54

Don't be afraid if you're married

00:40:56--> 00:41:10

to divorce, this saves marriages. So this goes back to what we mentioned yesterday, being afraid to clash. What does this mean, don't be afraid to divorce. If your marriage if you're married,

00:41:11--> 00:41:14

what does this me in this context

00:41:17--> 00:42:05

That's it, don't be afraid to have that argument. If we have this argument, I'm gonna get I'm we're gonna get divorced. Have the argument and then that might save your marriage. Because those frustrations and feelings that you're harboring can eat at you so bad, that eventually is going to lead to a divorce anyway, because it's going to lead to an explosion, or you're going to become so alienated from the person, or you're going to just keep taking so much abuse, that your whole personality is distorted. And there is no meaningful relationship anyway, to even salvage. So don't be afraid to divorce. I'm not gonna take this as the name means to divorce. It does. So now you've

00:42:05--> 00:42:23

expressed yourself, husband or wife, and the other party knows that they're hurting you. Whereas you sitting on it sitting on it, it's eating you up, you're going to explode, you're going to strangle them, then that will lead to a divorce, because that'll lead to such a violent or traumatic

00:42:24--> 00:42:49

attempt to resolve that underlying problem, that there's no space to reconcile. Whereas putting it out on the table, look, you're not talking to me like this, no more. I am not your daughter, I'm your wife. I'm not your son, I'm your husband. And you're not going to talk down to me and belittle me like that anymore. And it's the means that we don't stay together. That's what it means. So that might be the wake up call.

00:42:51--> 00:43:18

Wow, you know, you're right. I'm sorry. I mean, that's I just, that's a bad habit to work on it. I'm so glad. So don't be afraid to issue that wake up call that might save the marriage. Whereas if you sit on it, and you harbor it and keep it in, that will lead to such a traumatic or dramatic attempt to resolve the issue, that there's such a huge explosion. There's no getting back together after it. Yes.

00:43:23--> 00:43:37

No, you're not saying if we don't talk about this, you're getting a divorce. We're saying that this behavior will not be tolerated. an ultimatum is then a consequence.

00:43:39--> 00:44:33

This behavior won't be tolerated. If you don't stop, I'm divorcing. All you're saying is you're not talking to me no more. And so what I mentioned, if the consequence of that is a divorce, then so be it. But you're not stating that you're just stating, there's a particular action or behavior, or particular situation that I've been keeping inside that's eating up eating me up and destroying me, and I'm going to talk about it. And it's in the course of talking about it, it becomes so stressful, that we divorce, so be it but that usually is not the case. Usually, that will leave to the sort of corrections that will save a marriage or save a relationship save a friendship. So in that sense is

00:44:33--> 00:44:55

not I wouldn't see it. You might see it that way. I wouldn't see it as an ultimatum. I would just see it as not being afraid to discuss or address the situation that could possibly culminate in a divorce. So that's how I would see it and qualify it.

00:44:57--> 00:44:59

And again, this is something that saves

00:45:00--> 00:45:33

marriages, because if that those feelings are internalized, and internalized, the the pressure, the guilt, the insecurity, will eventually lead to a lashing out that leads to such a huge blow up, that leaves very little space to save that marriage. Again, this goes back to removing the harm when there is physical or deep psychological abuse, leave and do not go back until the offending party has had professional counseling.

00:45:34--> 00:45:40

Don't live with someone who is harmful and their actions

00:45:41--> 00:45:46

has deep issues that need professional help and addressing.

00:45:48--> 00:45:54

Get out of them. And don't go back until you are sure that that person has had professional help.

00:45:56--> 00:46:13

And if the professional help isn't forthcoming, don't go back. So your spouse is treating like a punching bag that has nothing to do with Islam harm is to be removed by our religion has nothing to do with Islam leave.

00:46:14--> 00:46:38

And don't go back. And sometimes it's very difficult to leave for a number of very involved and complicated reasons, but find the strength to leave. And don't go back until you have certified that that person has had some professional help other because what usually happens in situations of severe abuse, severe psychological or physical abuse

00:46:39--> 00:47:03

is a codependent relationship develops. And the person will leave temporarily, sometimes to save their life. And then, oh, come back. And I didn't mean it. And I changed I talked to the ma'am and he really let me have it. And I'm not going to do it again. And then two or three weeks later, the same pattern of behavior

00:47:04--> 00:47:34

starts to reoccur. Why because there's some deeper psychological, psychiatric issues, and many cases that need to be addressed therapeutically and professionally. And until they are you can read all the Hadith in the world sit down brother, the Prophet says sola salon, the profit nervous stock a woman or child, you can read all the Hadith in the world, it's not going to address those deeper issues for most people.

00:47:35--> 00:48:07

And the pattern of behavior is going to reoccur reoccur. If someone is deeply, deeply in touch with the law of Thailand, the hardest cleanse to the point of view that ammunition from the Quran from the sun would benefit them, they wouldn't be engaging in those behaviors in the first place. So the fact that a person is engaging in those behavior is an indication that the heart is not in condition or shape to receive those admonitions.

00:48:09--> 00:48:10

You understand what I'm saying?

00:48:12--> 00:48:45

If a person's heart will be benefited, Allah Rasulullah sallallahu taala sikhi tabula zz realizes if their hearts going to respond to that, their heart would not allow their limbs to act in the abusive way their limbs acting in the first place. So the actions and the words are a proof that their hearts won't be benefited by religious admonition. They need professional help to deal with those issues. So and and that's why I think is very important.

00:48:46--> 00:49:19

This area we alluded to earlier when we refer to the Muslim mental health, that Muslims go into these fields so that we can bring the religious admonition training and conditioning together with the therapeutic elements and create a very powerful synthesis between the two. And that's a frontier, a friend of mine, young family friend, who's at Harvard right now is spending the summer working on a program of psychological

00:49:22--> 00:49:38

counseling for Palestinian kids. Kids whose lives have been shaped and formed by the most intense forms of violence, especially psychological violence. Israelis they're not the worst perpetrators of physical violence.

00:49:39--> 00:49:44

Some people don't want to come to grips with that state they're not

00:49:46--> 00:49:47

they destroyed Jeanine

00:49:49--> 00:49:54

account few years ago, right. The Syrians destroyed Hamas a whole city

00:49:56--> 00:49:59

the Afghan Mujahideen in the name

00:50:00--> 00:50:06

Jihad after the Soviets left destroy Kabul and killed 60,000 people.

00:50:08--> 00:50:08

Right or wrong?

00:50:11--> 00:50:37

Right hickmott yars group and some of the others bombed Kabul, after the Russians left and destroy this city and kill 60,000 people. Israelis are not the perpetrators of the greatest amount of physical violence against Muslims. They've done a lot. I'm not justifying anything. But in terms of psychological violence, they have no equal

00:50:39--> 00:50:50

sonic booms over villages to terrify the kids, Roblox, to frustrate and humiliate the people.

00:50:51--> 00:51:13

You name it. So in any way, in any case, children's whose lives have been shaped by that context, or the Afghan context, continuous war since 1980, the Iraqi context, continuous war since 1980, war and embargoes and bombardments

00:51:14--> 00:51:19

those children have some severe psychological problems.

00:51:21--> 00:51:38

There is no Islamic immunity in that regard. being Muslim does not make us immune from a lot of the psychological scars that ensue. From a life that surrounded by senseless violence, violence we can make no sense of as a child.

00:51:39--> 00:51:50

If you don't believe that, you think Muslims are immune, I recommend you get Francis Vernon's book, the wretched of the earth, how many have heard of that book, the wretched of the earth.

00:51:52--> 00:52:11

The last chapter in that book is called the mental disorders of colonial war. Now, this is set in Algeria, the all Muslims, and he is a trained psychiatrist. And he documents some of the psychological scars that these Muslim people

00:52:13--> 00:52:41

were exposed to, or were visited upon them, due to the violence of the anti colonial struggle against the French. So in any case, they just emphasize the point when there's physical or psychological abuse, that's deep leave, do not go back until the offending party has had psychological counseling. So if we can do that,

00:52:42--> 00:52:59

we'll end up with a big, big heart, full of love, constantly expanding will imbibe the sweet nectar of serendipitous bliss, as our heart skipped merrily through fills of ethereal Ambrosia.

00:53:01--> 00:53:05

Okay, all right, that's an indication it's time to go to the workbook actually.

00:53:06--> 00:53:11

So the anger page nine, page nine anger.

00:53:12--> 00:53:13

So

00:53:15--> 00:53:17

go through the first exercise,

00:53:20--> 00:53:27

which is sort of a character assessment is first exercises a character assessment assessment.

00:53:32--> 00:53:34

So if you exaggerate

00:53:36--> 00:53:39

the example mentioned here, generalize.

00:53:41--> 00:53:46

Name call, replay history, or kitchen sink,

00:53:48--> 00:54:22

then you need to take a long, hard look at your character and make some adjustments because as it says here, this is far far removed from the prophetic ideal. And that's what we're aiming for. We're aiming for the prophetic ideal so that our character is a reflection of the character of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. And the second exercise here is just again, goes back to the kind of baggage we're carrying. So look at those five things and then reflect on how some of the baggage if it's present might

00:54:24--> 00:54:27

affect your current relationships.

00:54:34--> 00:54:35

So very quickly.

00:54:36--> 00:54:38

Now, there's a question here.

00:54:42--> 00:54:50

What is the problem at the end of number five, what is the problem with each particular style of dealing with anger?

00:54:52--> 00:54:54

So some are pretty obvious.

00:55:00--> 00:55:36

forego that in the interest of time. All right, now we're going to move on to the next area of examination, which is power struggles. So again, Islam is the greatest cure to power struggles. Why? Because it's supposed to cure the nerves. And the nerves is the source of power struggles. Me, me, myself and I I want to be on top. I want to be top dog.

00:55:37--> 00:55:46

I want to be the one that is calling the shots. I want to be the Shot Caller and sorry. I want to call the shots.

00:55:49--> 00:56:37

So Islam is supposed to get rid of that me. A lot of times I mentioned in the Korean War mmm hoffa mahkamah Ravi, wanna hanafuda Anil Hawa en el Janata he met were so the one who fears the station of his Lord and denies his ego, his soul. Those things, it's Caprice drives it towards. Its vain inclination pushes it towards paradise will be his or her final abode, and then agenda to heal malware. So an integral part of the path to Paradise is so pressing that nuts, so pressing that, however, one of the four great enemies of the human being

00:56:39--> 00:56:44

for great enemies of the human being, to are here and neffs, the ego

00:56:45--> 00:56:47

and shaytaan, the devil

00:56:48--> 00:57:12

at dunya the world and that's where the hell where the, the vain inclination, the whim that's the good world, where the whims of the of the soul, so the soul, the ego, the whims of the soul, Satan, the devil and the world those are the great four great enemies of the human being

00:57:15--> 00:57:16

we have to oppose them

00:57:18--> 00:57:23

and one of the great psychological motivations is

00:57:24--> 00:57:32

fearing the station of a lot of time where amendment half Mr. camara V, and the old days

00:57:33--> 00:57:34

How many of you

00:57:35--> 00:57:41

have heard this expression before? I'm going to put the fear of God in that boy.

00:57:43--> 00:57:49

You ever heard that? Yes, indeed, the old days they will put the fear of God in you.

00:57:51--> 00:57:56

Nowadays if you try to put the fear of God in children they'll call the Department of youth services.

00:58:00--> 00:58:04

And a lot of us are humbly less than one put the fear of God in me.

00:58:07--> 00:58:11

But the Quran wants us to fear loss upon what Allah

00:58:12--> 00:58:25

Allah tala wants us to fear Allah tala, the prophet wants us to fear a lot Allah as a psychological fears, psychological motivation towards good and constructive behavior.

00:58:27--> 00:58:34

So this is Islam the hola La quwata illa Billah. So the Heidi from one of our

00:58:35--> 00:58:50

invocations that how we'll know when our quwata illa Billah. There is no strength or power except with the law. So once we internalize that meaning we're not trying to say La hawla wala quwata illa. Anna.

00:58:52--> 00:58:54

That's how a lot of people are functioning.

00:58:55--> 00:59:07

And that's what the contemporary systems of thought. Intellectual currents encourage you the man, you the woman,

00:59:08--> 00:59:11

it's your thing, do what you want to do.

00:59:14--> 00:59:21

I that's what that's what we've been conditioned in this society. those messages have been pounded into people.

00:59:23--> 00:59:33

those messages have been pounded into people. This message should be impressed on our hearts that how to weld water in lab lab.

00:59:35--> 01:00:00

And we mentioned this earlier, but here in a different context, man nakazato sadhaka tonina mezzetta la abdon v aswin. In there is that well now to water. I had only learned letter of our law. So charity will never decrease your wealth. And a law only increases a servant who has the power, the ability to

01:00:00--> 01:00:11

pardoned others by exalting that servant. And no one humbles themselves for the sake of a lot of stuff that a lot exalts them. Why do we mention that here? We mentioned they're here

01:00:12--> 01:01:12

to emphasize not thinking in material terms. The power is based on material calculations and assessments. Power is the epitome of materialistic thinking. And as materialistic thinking generally, especially in the West, we placed metaphysical thinking, physical thinking, replaced metaphysical thinking, focused on physical realities, replace focus on metaphysical realities. Then you have philosophies developing that accentuated the desire and the quest for power, based on physical realities. One of the first articulators of such a philosophy was Machiavelli, for Machiavelli, wrote the Prince and the discourses. He was a Catholic, Italian, Machiavelli.

01:01:14--> 01:01:14

What happened?

01:01:16--> 01:01:29

He was excommunicated from the Catholic Church, when he propagated or promulgated the thesis that the ends justify the means.

01:01:30--> 01:01:48

The church, oh, my God, how can someone think like that. But now Machiavellian thought is the dominant paradigm that most people are operating on. And it's extension into the realm of politics and in political science majors out here.

01:01:50--> 01:01:54

What is the extension of market do do international relations?

01:01:56--> 01:02:01

Okay. And international relations students. Don't be shy.

01:02:02--> 01:02:13

Or maybe, you know, anyway, was the extension of Machiavelli into international relations, politics between nations, Hans Morgenthau.

01:02:15--> 01:02:20

Hans Morgenthau, he and Hans Morgenthau that is,

01:02:21--> 01:02:31

to use the word as it's used figuratively, that is the Bible of international relations. And so his book is called

01:02:54--> 01:03:17

power among nations. And the the the font, the fundamental thesis of this book, which he articulates very early on, is that in the power in the struggle for power amongst nations, everything that you do to enhance your power, and your relation with other nations

01:03:18--> 01:03:35

is positive. And anything that diminishes your power will affect you negatively. So it becomes a free for all anarchic struggle amongst nations to enhance their power at the expense of other nations.

01:03:36--> 01:03:42

So this is how we need totally new different types of principles. I hit the thing either.

01:03:43--> 01:03:49

In any case, Islam is conditioning us to think in other terms.

01:03:50--> 01:04:03

If you spend your money in charity, it will not decrease your money. Physically, how can it not when you had X amount of dollars, you gave y away so now you're left with z.

01:04:05--> 01:04:12

But in a non physical sense, the one who blessed you with that money in the first place,

01:04:13--> 01:04:26

will bless you with more money or will put more berrocal more blessing in the money that remains. So you do more with it than you would have done. If you had kept the original amount

01:04:27--> 01:04:50

as barraca. And you've all seen in your lives, how many times have you had a lot of money? It slipped through your fingers, as they say then it was all gone. And you had nothing to show for it. You wonder where did it all go? Where'd that tax return check go? How many of you can attest to that? I'm sure most of you just don't want to raise your hands.

01:04:51--> 01:04:57

On the other hand, how many times have you had a little bit of money and is stretched and stretched and stretched

01:04:59--> 01:04:59

this others

01:05:00--> 01:05:02

put my hand up.

01:05:03--> 01:05:05

You don't know how I even got to this program.

01:05:07--> 01:05:09

And I have no money.

01:05:10--> 01:05:15

And I got a plane ticket. I got a lunch yesterday.

01:05:16--> 01:05:24

So there's batoka I'll give you proof from the serum some people like you're getting some Sufi stuff like a

01:05:25--> 01:05:31

talking about non physical, the Prophet sallallahu barracas

01:05:32--> 01:06:18

the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when the mohajirs migrated to Medina, right, and then he made brothers and blood brothers between the mohajir in and the answer up there and then the snake Blood Brothers one of the N saris What did they answer we say to him, send my brother. I have two wives. Look at them. Whichever one pleases you. I'll divorce her and she'll be yours. And I'll take my wealth and divide it in half and give you half and I'll keep half and what the other hand and I'll say berrocal law si le Kayla Malika Delaney Allah su

01:06:20--> 01:06:32

you say mela, bless your family and bless your wealth. Show me where the marketplace is. Because Abdul Rahman and Alf know how to take care of business is a doula Niala souk

01:06:33--> 01:06:49

said berrocal. May Allah bless your wealth and bless your family. Show me where the marketplace is. So this is talking about the same thing. Your wealth will be blessed if you give some of it and charity. What remains will be blessed.

01:06:50--> 01:07:18

When mezzetta lobbed in the afternoon in there is that well not what I hadn't let in the Rafah, la see the kind of theory thinking that Morgan saw in Machiavelli, if you pardon people, if you humble yourself, people trample on you, you'll end up with footprints on your chest. But if you do it for a loss upon what Allah Allah will elevate you, Allah will exalt you, Allah would dignify you, yes sir.

01:07:21--> 01:07:23

Our struggle in your relationships,

01:07:26--> 01:07:29

there is no power he leads through.

01:07:32--> 01:07:48

judicious example, through pardoning, he leads through humility, he leads through example, he leads through a balanced and magnanimous discipline.

01:07:49--> 01:07:53

But the most important thing is through example, through the reminding

01:07:55--> 01:07:59

for like your book, or any man your comment your half a mile wide,

01:08:00--> 01:08:10

he leads to those areas and not through tyranny, and not through brute force, and not through taking advantage of his physical strength advantage.

01:08:12--> 01:08:18

A lot of patience, and a lot of prayer was dinuba Sabri was taller.

01:08:20--> 01:08:24

We're in like a when the hula Kabira tune in Laila Ohashi.

01:08:26--> 01:08:48

So through patience and prayer, and understanding, which is very, very, very important. Understanding that these sociological and psychological realities, they didn't evolve, they did not evolve in one day, they evolved largely over the course of an entire century,

01:08:49--> 01:09:40

from the emergence of the women's suffrage movement, the emergence of enlightenment thinking, the emergence of the various ways of thinking that have influenced the entire world. So that being the case, they're not going to be removed in a short period of time. So if we think that we're going to have the magic Hadeeth, or the magic area, or the magic insight that's going to undo this reality, just like that, it's not going to happen. So we have to have the patience and the wisdom to try to just introduce themes that are more consistent with this dynamic teachings through our character and our example. And over time, plant those seeds, try to nurture them and over time, they'll bring

01:09:40--> 01:09:48

about a change inshallah. And brothers have to understand too, that the sisters are working hard at this thing.

01:09:49--> 01:09:59

Right sisters, sisters are not just you know, hey, this is the year 2008. And this is America.

01:10:00--> 01:10:52

We're equal. And that's a lot blessed us to be here. And to inherit this mindset, sisters are working and trying to to be a complement, and not a competitor with their husbands. So I think we have to nurture each other, because they're their forces. They're strong historical forces at work. They're very powerful intellectual currents at work. And the collective weight of these things. Isn't isn't shifted or moved overnight. So we have to work with each other and trust and along, we'll come back to that in the discussion. inshallah. So here just to reiterate, again, we might think, if I pardon, if I humble myself, people will think I'm soft, they'll think I'm not a gangsta.

01:10:52--> 01:11:41

They'll trample on me, they won't think I'm hard. And this is this is our Prophet was still alive, it was Selim. And his example is a blessed example. And if we undertake that example, for the sake of a law, then we have the power of a law assisting us towards accomplishing what we're trying to accomplish, and Avila is for us, no one can be against us. We have to understand that what we're gonna do right now, we're supposed to take a break, but will delay the break a little, we'll take the break. At the end, it'll all equal out. We're going to do the power struggle exercise now as I set this up, if you've seen it, or participated, sit down. So I need first of all five very strong,

01:11:41--> 01:12:03

able bodied male volunteers to come forward. All right, this fella, my brother from Philly, that ham went right up. Yeah, he's a good candidate. To father. My brother from Sacramento Bismillah you might leave your phone back there in the chair. All right. I need three other my brother and sorry.

01:12:04--> 01:12:32

A lot like one he three other two that will make five able bodied, able bodied volunteers. Someone did the push ups this morning. Did the burpees right here my brother who just raised his hand right here. Sonny one more very strong able body. Right here. Y'all are Bismillah I let's see we got equal monospace there's no stage here. Our brothers Come over here. Come over here.

01:12:33--> 01:12:38

All right. Now over here over here because there is no stage you need more room here.

01:12:39--> 01:12:43

All right. 92 other volunteers

01:12:44--> 01:12:46

to other brothers to volunteer

01:12:48--> 01:12:53

algorithmen Corrales Allahu Akbar one other

01:12:54--> 01:13:09

All right, what's your name? Brother? Cora Cora mob there are a commune outdoorsman leave the room right now. Go outside. Quickly. I'll call you when I need you up. There are men and Quran. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Allahu Akbar.

01:13:10--> 01:13:17

Allahu Akbar. All right, here we go. I want you brothers to lock arms. Link your arms together.

01:13:20--> 01:13:31

I will see about that. I get away from the screen there Nick a complete circle. I like those arms I got you guys you said you're strong able bodied.

01:13:34--> 01:13:38

All right. Yeah. Okay. Don't let

01:13:39--> 01:13:44

korum into the circle. With no load I sinned. Cora min

01:13:47--> 01:14:09

Cora. Cora come here as your abdomen you wait, it's not your turn. Yeah. Cora Yola, what you have to do korum is get into that circle. They're going to try to creep you out by any means necessary. So you're gonna have to like you have to go in there. Don said, me 19.

01:14:10--> 01:14:11

Bam.

01:14:15--> 01:14:17

You can jump over the top.

01:14:27--> 01:14:30

Corner. Where are you from? coral. Where are you from?

01:14:31--> 01:14:34

I mean, right now you live in Pakistan.

01:14:35--> 01:14:36

Where?

01:14:37--> 01:14:37

Where?

01:14:38--> 01:14:57

Oh, the Bay Area. Which city? Santa Clara Santa Clara represents like Santa Clara. This is your home court man. This your home Phil. You gotta let them just knock you off like that. You and your home court, home city. Get in that circle. All right. Let me hold on. Let me get up there. Amen.

01:15:00--> 01:15:04

Yeah, let's get up, man. All right, cool. Let's give him a hand. All right.

01:15:05--> 01:15:06

All right.

01:15:08--> 01:15:12

Man this Mila further up Dora, man.

01:15:14--> 01:15:18

You mission you might want to take your name tag off.

01:15:19--> 01:15:24

All right, you have to get in that circle by any means necessary.

01:16:08--> 01:16:08

See?

01:16:13--> 01:16:14

Oh

01:16:16--> 01:16:25

that is the power struggle exercise. What's your name again? Zack K. from Philly. All right.

01:16:26--> 01:16:38

Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar, Masha Allah, Masha Allah that is the power struggle. I hope your sisters you understand why and pick any sisters

01:16:40--> 01:16:40

was

01:16:43--> 01:16:44

my admin assistant

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Akbar there is the power struggle exercise. Let's analyze that this minute.

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Now, these are some lessons this exercise teaches us about power struggles. These are some lessons that we learn about power struggle. First of all, rows and power relationships are usually assumed uncritically.

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uncritically, then they never asked me why we're doing this.

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No one even asked, what does this have to do with what we're doing here? There was absolutely no question of the roles I assigned to everyone. That's the nature of power. That's the nature of power relationships. People usually assume the roles uncritically. So if a person grows up in a society, I'm a woman. This is how we're supposed to act. I'm a man. This is how we're supposed to act.

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There's very little criticism. In most cases, guardians of privilege are usually fanatical. So the brothers who had the armed link, they were guarding a privilege, the privilege to be inside of the circle. Would you say they were pretty fanatical and guarding that privilege?

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And to emphasize their fanaticism. There was absolutely nothing at stake.

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Nothing at stake. If Koroma outdoor man get into that circle, you guys are out of this program. And you don't get a refund. And you can't have lunch either.

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There was absolutely nothing at stake.

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Your pride was at stake. Okay, you could?

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Well, well, and that's that's why a lot of men in their marriages are fanatical guardians of privilege. Because their pride in their manhood is at stake. So I can't let my wife talk to me like that. I'm supposed to be a man. So what about the sooner the Prophet just ignored it? Well, he was a different kind of man. And I'm this kind of man and I'm not taking it

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rules are usually enforced indiscriminately. Now. I never once told them to keep up door man out they got killed for nothing.

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There are no I say keep korum out

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and never say kept keep up Dornan out and even here.

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I didn't even hit but rules once they're

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endorsed Are you use the enforced indiscriminately.

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So in a power relationship, oftentimes we don't discriminate and we don't

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I try to accommodate nuances. We just take that what we understand, and then we run with it.

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And then group can be formed around the smallest things. So the people linking their arms, they weren't in group.

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And essentially, they were defending a square foot a square meter of carpet, because they had a pretty tight circle. So they were defending about this much carpet. Now look, they almost kill Cora, do you notice the headlock they apply it to Cora. And I mean, man, we have to give him credit, but he had to work. You have to work out for him in

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the work to get in that circle and they tried to kill him to

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over a square foot of carpet.

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So what if something real was at stake? What would people do?

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with absolutely no consequences? What if this carpet was our ancestral homeland?

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And those were the perceived intruders or invaders? Well, if this carpet was the promised land that God promised us, what will we do to keep someone out?

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If we're doing all that for a piece of carpet your

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guys almost had a heart attacks. Well, this film The heart right now.

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Looking for some aspirin or something.

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exclusion

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can lead to frustration and depression. Calm you feel frustrated.

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At the time

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you want frustrated?

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personality to fight?

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Okay, do you have enough ops for that?

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Okay, so So at the time, once there repost, your numerous assaults, you want frustrated a little this a little? At the time you were you have you must admit, it was it slightly depressing at the time you've recovered now. Just slightly depressing.

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just frustrated,

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but not slightly depressed, as you walk back to your seat.

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There hand the applause helped, I would assume

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hamdulillah

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Allahu Akbar.

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We said it can not always it can lead to frustration and depression being kept out. So as we relate with each other, we should keep these things in mind, we should always look critically at the roles we sometimes assume we're supposed to

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play, we should try to avoid fanaticism, and guarding any worldly privilege, because ultimately, it's not about this world, it's about the accuracy. So if a few things slip through the cracks in the dunya, so be it.

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We should always be discriminant. And look for nuances when we're applying rules and regulations. And this goes right to the heart of our gender relations, because a lot of times, you know, the prophet said the man should do this. These are my rights and responsibilities. These are your rights and responsibilities. And we get into these very mechanical relationships where we lose the ability to have nuance, we lose the ability to understand the subtleties and the distinctions of every human being that they're unique and that that provides a context for applying those rules and regulations. And assuming those roles, rights and duties,

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we should try to avoid creating cliques that exclude others we should realize our religion is open. Look at the variety here Islam is open to Arabs and Africans, African Americans, white Americans, Asians, Latinos, everyone is in this room represented right now. Every all these groups

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To represent it, why, because it's them is the most accommodating social phenomenon in history and history. And we should not limit it. We should not limit it in our sphere of personal relationships, nor should we limit it in the context of our group relationships. We should keep it the open, beautiful phenomenon that it is and not impose our narrowness on it. So those are just some things that we can learn from that brief exercise. So we'll stop right here. And we'll continue we come back

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with some common sources of power struggle