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Islam Marriage And The Family – Part 3

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Zaid Shakir

Channel: Zaid Shakir

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Bismillah

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smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam O Allah say he didn't morsani while early he was so happy he was seldom Festina kathira salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Okay, so when we left off,

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we asked everyone to come up with your own aphorism. But we said for tomorrow, but I know some of you are ahead of the curve. So who thought of an aphorism?

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Nobody

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thought some of you will be aggressive than get ahead of the curve.

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Repeat mine, all right. within us all, are within all of us. There lies the potential to realize our dreams. However, within only a few of us, there lies the courage to realize our potential.

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That's an aphorism.

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So

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I want you guys to come up with an aphorism

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in English,

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so mine in Arabic. I haven't thought about it. Let me think about it.

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All right. So that's your homework. So the first session tomorrow, we're going to start off

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by listening to your aphorism. Okay.

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Right now, let's take a few questions based on what we went over. let's backtrack a little. So if we can go back a little, not ahead. That's Ramiz right there.

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let's backtrack. Okay? So when through these hichem, these aphorisms of ribnica Allah. Among the signs one is overly relying on one's action is a loss of hope. One slips or experiences a setback.

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As to your desire to be divested from the world despite the fact that a loss facilitated worldly means for you. Beware that leaving those worldly means may be the expression of a hidden loss. As for the your desire, for worldly means, despite the fact that allows divested you from the world beware that leaving that state of divestment may involve a descent from a lofty, lofty spiritual aspiration, the strength of resolved aspirations will never penetrate, or smash the walls of ordain.

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Wrong way.

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Your Sidious striving for that which has been guaranteed for you and your shortcoming. And that which has been requested view of you as an indication that the inner light has been extinguished, in you. Do not allow the delay of time, the time you anticipate being given a gift from Allah, to bring about your despair, he has guaranteed you the answer, but in what he has chosen for you, not in what you have chosen for yourself, and then the time he desires not the time you desire. And we mentioned here, I forgot to translate this phrase right here, which is very critical phrase man in high blood, despite your fervent and persistence, your fervor the fervent and persistent nature of your prayer.

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Despite that, don't despair.

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So we discuss those we tried to situate those in the context of marriage, family and relationship I share with you an aphorism as for you to come up with your own. So any questions or comments at this point before we move forward? Questions, comments, additions, deletions? Yes, sir.

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Usually what's inspired by yourself is fleeting, because the the, the negative suggestions that come to the to the subconscious is a call wetted. So the word that comes from the nuts is usually fleeting. That's how you can identify it. Whereas shaytaan he's going to persist. So those urgings to do something unseemly that are persistent. That's usually from shaitaan. And the best way to drive away shaytaan the the things we mentioned in general, but specifically is the remembrance of Allah. Make sure every time

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shaytaan comes to you you remembering the law and one fashion court and is remembering a law you're citing cor n. Vickers remembering a lot thicker in terms of litanies sapan a lot. handler lanahan la la la hotbar studying knowledge is thicker of a law sacred knowledge you reading about the prophetic biography you study some aspect of sacred law.

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commanding the good for getting the wrong that's the remembrance of Allah are remembering the various

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the best remembrance because all of these or sooner is the vicar or do ask for the time you're in so you get in your cars to panula the soccer lalana had you come into your house Bismillah Hayden moulage mockridge you leave your house Bismillah to what kettle talkin to Allah Allah Allah Allah wala quwata illa Allah, you always saying what's appropriate for that particular moment you find yourself in so remember now we're in key tablets called mentioned that this is the best Vicar This is the best Vicar. Salah is liqueur. Salah is Vicar or remembrance of Allah. So every time shaytaan comes he knows nothing's happening here. The servants remembering a law comes back. Remember it's a

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law he gets frustrated. He wants to waylay you get you in the trouble. And every time he comes, remembering a lot, because it's the idle heart is the idle.

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The grassland the idle one the heatless one that shaytaan attacks. One was the opposite of Gotham is that you're the one who remembers Allah subhanho wa Taala. So that's the best thing you can do. Any other question? sisters question comments before we go forward? Yes.

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Absolutely, trials are do provide the context for growth. So when we overcome them, we're bigger and better and stronger person. The End the Sahaba Eleni nacala, who nurse in a nurse aka general locum fasho, says that a man will call her husband along with him and walk in. So those who said to them, the people are gathering against you so fear them? And they said, a loss of faces us Oh, and it only increased their faith? Why did it increase their faith had that man what are the normal law was other commercial, this is what allows promised us. So if a loss promised those trials, and the trials comes a lot of spoken the truth of faith is stronger. So trial should not be trial should be

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embraced. I like to tell this story.

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You can read about it. But

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Abigail Adams, john, the mother of john quincy adams, the wife of john adams, at the height of the Revolutionary War, she was holding down the farm and Massachusetts. Her husband had gone to France with her son to be the first ambassador to France. during the Revolutionary War, there was a war going on, she wrote a letter to her 12 year old son. And she said these are times in which a genius would wish to live

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is not in the still of life that great characters form, had Cicero's shine shown so brilliant, and orator were not for the tyranny of Varys and Marc Anthony. And so she says you should be glad you're living right now. Because this is the the the crucible that will forge great character is times of trial. I'll ever be great just sitting back sipping lemonade

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is overcoming trials, struggling, working, testing yourself pushing your limits, discovering a strength you didn't think you had. That's what makes great people. So don't run away from challenges embrace them freely. Okay, we'll have time for questions later. Right now we're going to move on to the third section and this really cover the balance of the program. And that is the seven secrets of a happy marriage. So here are the seven secrets. This is secret number one. This is secret number two, secret number 3456 and seven, those are the seven secrets of a happy marriage. hamdulillah hope you had a good lunch. See you tomorrow.

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Okay, the first secret, deepening trust. So that was our little symbol of trust. There is see right there. That is trust right there.

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To deepen trust. So as married people oriented

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any relation, as I said, Now, this aspect of the program really is relevant for all relationships. So if you're not married, you have friends, that's the relationship. You have parents, that's a relationship. You have children. That's the relationship, but specifically targeting the married people, but there's general benefit from everyone. So in terms of trust, being able to trust as Muslims, we should be extremely trustworthy people. Our Prophet is our greatest example of God kennela comm sallallahu alayhi wa sallam called can Allah configure Rasulullah Hasina, you have a most excellent example, in the Messenger of Allah. He's our example. What was one of his names

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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elemi, the trustworthy amine, the trustworthy, one of the pillars of our religion, a lot of tyla mentions in the Quran, in the La Jolla model calm and to Abdul mnsod illa Allah, that Allah commands you in the La Jolla model calm and to add to enter net anywhere that you deliver the trust to his proper possessor. So this is an order from a lot, Tyler any realm, any area, any sphere of life where we've been entrusted with anything, it is incumbent upon us to deliver that trust. That's one of the foundational principles of our religion. Shaykh Abdullah had a book the other day and he tagged me as

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a CSCs to Sharia political

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led the Islamic political system that book is based on this area because that governs the rights of the rulers to deliver the trust to the people there oh two and then that's half of the book The other half. Yeah, the next verse. Yeah, you handle dynamic material law what you're also what will remain calm and that's the foundation of the rights and responsibilities of the root. So the rulers in the law Moodle komentar Adelanto Natalie and Leah fader comm have come to Menendez and tackle movement and the route so when you rule a govern or judge between a people do so of justice, and then the government Yeah, you help me know are you believe at law, hell bear law to Russell and obey

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the messenger will remain calm and those in authority amongst you. But generally, the first verse, or that section I recited is applicable to everyone. Because in some and constantly, we have a trust that we have to fulfill, even if it's speaking truthfully, that's an Amana.

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This when we gather together that's in a manner if there are personal things that come up in the course of our discussion, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentioned and majelis Phil mn that that Phil mn and then the the gatherings are come upon are governed by trust if something personal comes up none of us has a right to go divulge it

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MMC was talking to this brother and the brother he said this in that stuff law. No, there's a trust there's a trust so what's public and well known and common knowledge, spread it to the world. What's personal is we're talking about some things that can be lead to some personal revelation that's a trust this is a measure this and it has an Amana so in the y Moodle komentar amenity area so as Muslims we should be trustworthy people. A lot of Thailand mentions in the Quran yeah you Hello Dina Amira Taka la have a Kunal Masada team, oh you believe

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be conscious of the law. And the consciousness talk was some people say piety Some people say God consciousness is God consciousness that translates itself into a ready willingness to implement the orders that Allah tala gives us and to avoid the prohibitions. So it's a consciousness that translates itself and what we say in pathology lm Erwin which daneben nowhere he to implement the orders and avoid those things that are prohibited. So the point here

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was one of the greatest ways trust is is is betrayed by not being truthful. So we're told to be truthful and to keep ourselves with the truthful and the

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Be conscious of Allah subhanho wa Taala and that consciousness should translate itself into trustworthiness.

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The prophets Allah Salah mentioned again as dishonesty is one of the greatest destroyers of trust a husband or wife found out find out the one of the party has been lying to the other. Whether the trust go out the window, you find out someone you consider your good friend has been lying to you consistently. Do you trust that person the way you did previously? Oh, you don't? I can't trust this person. I don't know if they're lying or truthful. So again, I'm not set up yet. Yeah, dealer Bureau in the deal and Jenna, we're not we're not Roger by law. Yes. Do you taboo and ally to do that? Trust truthfulness leads to righteousness and assert de lnbf truthfulness leads to righteousness

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when and build your ideal and gender and righteousness leads to paradise. And the person will not radula Laos do Oh, and the person will continue to speak truthfully had to October and the law he had to York tada in the law, he said do car until that person is recorded, written with the laws being truthful. So again, and in the tandem were held with tandem. So doing things brings about an impressive that characteristic on our soul constantly being truthful. We mentioned earlier that one of the great tests for us as believers is the test of truthfulness. And if learning has he been in utero cooling your pool and then afternoon, while our pod fatten and leadin among cuddly him fell a

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lemon Allahu La Nina sodoku, while a lemon and KD being so to just reiterate the transition of the verse, do people think they'll be left alone merely saying we believe and not be tested? We've tested those who preceded them, and order that allow us show which of them are truthful? Well, the Alamin Allahu livina Sadako in order that allow us show which of them are truthful, while a an amendment can be been and which of them are liars. So this is one of the foundational tests and trials of this life of faith. So, as Muslims we should have no trouble being truthful.

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The Prophet was on the low and he was seldom was asked cannot most cannot be lever Hello Kunal. Hello coonan Bachmann can then call Allah can a believer be a liar? He said he was asked many things before that I said nom nom nom he can be this she can be that cannot be lever be a liar. Carla laughs No, a believer can't be a liar. That's one who consciously and consistently lies not slipping, and to a lie here and there that happens to all of us, but consciously and consistently.

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This is not the character of a believer. So again, just to emphasize, because truthfulness and honesty has such a high place in our religion, such a high value in our religion. This should make us very trustworthy people. And that dishonesty is one of the greatest means that leads to the destruction of trust. Again, and mental modeling California and you should go bada bada. Why is this relevant? Why did I mention this particular Heidi's here? And Morton in mcminn, California in your shoes, bada bada, the believers are on to each other like the individual bricks in a wall. Each one strengthens and supports the next. Why do we mentioned this in the context of trust?

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Anyone?

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Yes.

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So each brick is relying on the other brick to do its part to hold me up. And again, what is one of the great destroyers of trust on

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rhe

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lie

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ability. However, barbapapa unreliability after the first time someone says,

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Yeah, you know, when you go to Boston, I'll water your lawn.

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You come back. You know what happens in California in the summer you don't water the lawn for two or three days. You come back your lawn is brown.

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Like I said, Oh no, my daughter, my daughter got sick and we had to take her to the hospital. How long did she stay in the hospital? While she went to the emergency room for a couple hours? And how did that lead to you not watering my lawn for a week? Well, you don't understand brother. So the next time you go to Boston to visit your uncle,

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you might ask that person again. Right? say, Well, you know, his daughter got sick. And even though she was in the emergency room for two hours, he didn't water my lawn for a week. So you ask them again. You know, I gotta go to Boston. And you know, I'm counting on you. I got my lawn back up. Took me like six months. It's nice and green again. But could you water my lawn for my sprinklers broke? irrigation systems broke? Brother, I got your back. Aki hamdulillah.

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You come back, your lawn looks like this stage.

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The third time you go to Boston? Are you going to ask that particular brother to water your lawn?

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No, you're not? Sophie, I will I trust them.

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Look, your long was looking like this stage.

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You are not going to ask that brother third time.

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Because you know, in this particular sphere of endeavor, he is unreliable.

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Whereas a movement little movement California and you should do bada bada, the believers are like the bricks in the wall. Each one strengthens and supports the next. For that to be real. We have to have the ability to rely on our brothers and sisters.

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And so each and every one of us should be striving to be reliable. If someone asked me to do it, it gets done.

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If it doesn't get done, there's a real valid excuse.

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Or reason.

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And fourthly, and Muslim, Muslim, the Muslim is the brother, the sister of his or her fellow Muslim, lay of limbo who He neither oppresses him while I have Lulu, nor does he abandon and forsaken, while a key zebu, nor does he lie to him or lie. Nor does he look down on and despise him. So again, all of these things build trust, especially the latter three. If you know someone isn't going to abandon you and forsake you lay your Hulu. He doesn't abandon or forsaken, you're going to tend to trust that person. Let les Akiva who if you know someone isn't going to lie to you, then you're going to trust that person if you know someone doesn't look down on you or despise you, you're going to trust

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them. Why would that be the case? What relevance does that have? What a clue

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what relevance does that have to trust? Anyone?

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It treats you equally that's part of it. Any sisters anything? While relevance while

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he doesn't look down on or demean or despise him or her? What relevance does that have?

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You look down on someone

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watching that dude's won.

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But if there's someone he references looks up to, oh, I better make sure that lawn stays green. Or he won't be my friend anymore. And I want to be friends with him. He's a big shot.

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But yeah, so his grass burns up Who cares if he ever speaks to me again?

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haraam was the hot on the car.

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Was this well, all of these are haram but this one right here. This is the worst one. The proof of that the Prophet repeats itself Delilah Selim, he said doesn't repeat this layoff lemma. Who doesn't repeat this letter? Lulu. He doesn't repeat this laiki zebu. He repeats this letter. Yeah. Kira, who B has been Brandon a sharp and Cara who Muslim is sufficient evil if he doesn't do anything else, for a person to look down on and despise their fellow Muslim Why?

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Because it is a characteristic we want to have prophetic characteristic. We want to have the characteristic of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that is a characteristic of shaytaan he despised them, be mean look down on Adam

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Mammon

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I can't test you there is a mark to color and a higher on men who conduct anemia na will have up to human train in men.

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Claim man, Adam,

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prostrate to him

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better than him.

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That's a che tonic characteristic. We're better than those people

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marry my daughter to one of them.

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My son part of that family

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so panela we're better than them. Go into that Masjid those people go there. Whoever those people might be in a play remit as the shade tonic mentality, say tannic mentality. nessa La La La Jolla, la give us well being.

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Okay, areas where trust is needed in the context of our relationships. Here's some things the experts say we need trust.

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We need sexual fidelity.

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Which means no affairs, no pornography, other relevant things.

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You find out that your husband or wife has been having a clandestine affair with somebody.

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What's that going to do to the trust and that relationship

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is gonna plummet.

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It's going to plummet.

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Sister.

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She never gets up at night.

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So this particular night,

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she staggers past the computer room and the computer is on.

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And her husband sitting there and he's watching some lewd indecent material.

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What's that going to do to her? trust in Him?

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It's going to plummet.

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So we need fidelity in this area.

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If we're going to maintain trust,

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physical integrity.

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Now, I'm going to ask you an honest question. What have you found out after 678 years of marriage, that your husband or wife had a bank account they never told you about?

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So let me ask one of the brothers. How many brothers out here married? Raise your hand. Neither family.

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You find out your wife has a bank account she never told you about? What's your response going to be?

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At the very Alright, let's say? He said it depends on how much money is in the account.

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Asked the wrong guy.

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I see as $1,057 and 92 cent in the account.

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But she never told you she's saving for Hajj. And you took her last year?

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Are your antennas at least gonna go up? Let's put it that way. I don't want to get any vom in any trouble. Yeah, antennas gonna start.

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I sister vice versa. That was one of our marriage sisters. Okay, there's a volunteer. Yes, you sister.

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You find out how long you've been married.

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10 years Allahu Akbar take beer.

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10 years today is like 50 years 50 years ago. So we want to give you a plaque inshallah

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you find out what's your husband's name? What's your name, bro? Mooji. You find out Mooji has a bank account. He never told you about it. You just stumbled on to this bank book and open it up and he has $15,000 stashed away never told you about it. What would your reaction be?

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Of course this this will never happen. Now. I'm not trying to make any trouble. This is a hypothetical situation. What's your reaction going to be?

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You gotta get a little suspicious.

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That's an honest response. And you don't blame her Do you? Mooji

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hamdulillah I'm trying to keep you out of trouble there.

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But no, I mean, my antennas will go up and this might chisel away at the trust.

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A gambling habit you find out, you come home one day.

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And there's a moving company moving the stuff out of your house.

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You ask your spouse What's going on? Here? She said, Well,

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you know, last week when I was supposed to be in LA for work, I was really in Las Vegas. Last wages. How do you say Las Vegas? And I lost the house. I gambled the house away. I have this habit. I never told you.

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It's gonna be pretty devastating, huh?

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All right, let's not be so dramatic. The movers aren't there. But you do find out that your spouse has a gambling habit. never told you.

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You think how to chisel away the trust.

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A little bit.

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Sharing painful secrets. For example, a fair before marriage. Now, a lot of people, especially in this country, that might happen but your spouse never told you

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never ever told you. So you've been married several years, and then somehow you find out?

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You think that or undermine the trust a little?

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Realistically?

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I think it would stay you know, you know, people are people but why don't you tell me?

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What's going on you

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still in contact with that person?

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Sharing in decisions,

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serious decisions.

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selling things the other partner values. You come home and your teddy bear is gone.

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That was my teddy bear.

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Oh, that thing I sold in the yard sale Saturday, you saw my teddy bear you and asked me in the yard sell

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shoes away if I can trust you with my teddy bear?

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What can I trust you with?

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So selling things the power of the partners value with no discussion, no consultation. So if I can't trust you, to inform me, let me know about a big decision like that. What can I trust you with and these things have to be talked about a lot of times we sometimes will feel that distrust and will internalize it, we won't talk about it. Enough to talk about it. That was my teddy bear. Look. If you're not gonna tell me, you're gonna do something like what else are you doing that I don't know about? What other kinds of decisions are you making? That I don't know about? So these things have to be talked about this. So these are some of the biggies this what the experts say these are the

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big things that undermine and chisel away at trust in our relationships. Did they miss anything? Who could think of something else?

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Well, we well mentioned fiscal integrity. What do you mean?

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Yeah, well, I think that will go on number four. Generally, sharing indecision is their financial problem. one spouse made a big financial move. And it resulted in a lot of debt, for example. So I think that will go on number four. You know, when you talk about this before you invest it in, fly by night, get rich, quick,

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easy money company?

00:34:07--> 00:34:08

Yes.

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Let's ask the panel panel.

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You and your spouse converted to Islam later in life? Should you share your previous relationships with each other? So Sisters of the panel? How many of you think yes,

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not many of them? How many brothers think yes.

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Not many of you? I think you should. Because

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one second, because I think those are the things that come back to haunt our relationship. You don't share that information and in 510 years down, I mean, you

00:35:00--> 00:35:01

Do an in general terms,

00:35:02--> 00:35:06

not specific in all, play by play?

00:35:08--> 00:35:28

blow by blow, but in generalities what is so one that maybe that spouse thinks you're like, squeaky clean and finds out starts finding out this or that I think it can potentially be a very ruinous situation myself. Yes. Most of you don't agree? Yes.

00:35:43--> 00:35:44

Of course.

00:35:51--> 00:36:02

That's, that's in general guidance for this specific guidance. For example, we cover up a person's false. So your father,

00:36:03--> 00:36:27

you have a daughter, who's going to marry my son, you come to me and asked me, What about your son? So I'm covering my son's false. So when there's when there's a specific instance, where harm might ensue? if things aren't revealed. In that case, I'm obliged to tell you anything that might affect the future

00:36:29--> 00:36:36

of that relationship. So generally, that's true. But there's specific instances where there are exceptions to that general truth.

00:36:38--> 00:36:39

Yes, sir.

00:36:46--> 00:37:33

Well, I mean, truthfulness here true being true with a law. And being true to the earth mentioned, my husband, I mean, komiza con la diva, they, the women are hugging them in comas, taking you on the basis of a weighty covenant are taken from you and entered into this relationship on the basis of a weighty covenant. So if we're going to be truthful to that covenant, then we should try to keep these things out of our lives. So that's an aspect of truthfulness, again, being truthful and open about those things that are potentially dangerous, there is a realm of privacy. And it's not values privacy. So that and that should be respected. But things that are destructive, are things that

00:37:33--> 00:38:26

could lead to a tremendous amount amount of distrust, then one has to be very open, and discussing those things, especially when they involve something that can be very destructive to that relationship. Painful secrets. Again, sometimes the best way to overcome the pain that's involved is by sharing that with someone who's trustworthy. So that's not broadcasting it to the public. That's definitely Haram. Even the guy, he's, he's the guy who's asked about someone in an area, he's going into business with someone. So he asked the third party, should you think I should go into business with this person? how their business ethics? He answers that question, the one being asked, based on

00:38:26--> 00:38:32

business only, he doesn't say, he beats his wife.

00:38:33--> 00:38:39

That's because that has nothing to do with his business. He says, You know, I know someone that went into business with them.

00:38:40--> 00:38:43

And he ran off with the money.

00:38:44--> 00:39:20

So that's relevant to his business, but he doesn't use his mishpat regularly. That's totally irrelevant. So limiting, revealing what's relevant to the context and situation and then not broadcasting that. So he doesn't turn around and tell everyone he tells the person he's going into business with because it has relevance for him. Everyone else doesn't need to know that he ran off with the money because he's not going into business with them. So we have to look at the context and the situation. And then judge based on that, yes.

00:39:22--> 00:39:23

Yeah.

00:39:26--> 00:39:57

So you're agreeing with my position, I agree to agree with your position, not not only that, sometimes the guilt will destroy you. And and down the road will manifest in behavior, where usually what does the person in the context of any relationship now husband wife, can be friend Friend, who's harboring guilt, what is the usual way they deal with that as it presses on them and presses on them

00:39:59--> 00:39:59

and also

00:40:00--> 00:40:06

in the usual way, I would argue otherwise, your hands up or you're stretching? sisters?

00:40:09--> 00:40:17

You usually take it out on the other party, you project your guilt onto that party. And a lot of instances, yes.

00:40:21--> 00:40:25

Not I know, cases in Syria, otherwise.

00:40:38--> 00:40:40

That's true. But but it's not.

00:40:48--> 00:40:54

What happens if for a husband and our husband's family finds out five years down the role?

00:40:56--> 00:41:06

What happens to her? And which is worse? Her revealing the truth and taking her chances? are they finding out five years down the road was going to be worse for her?

00:41:08--> 00:41:09

And that culture?

00:41:12--> 00:41:18

You didn't answer? Well, I mean, I would, I would have to say it might be the same, because

00:41:21--> 00:41:22

now that becomes known.

00:41:23--> 00:41:26

Because now she's told it to this guy that Yeah.

00:41:29--> 00:41:31

And now, she's gonna have, you know,

00:41:33--> 00:41:36

well, if they're not honorable people,

00:41:37--> 00:42:01

I would think I would think that they're not going to tell anyone, unless they themselves are dishonorable. You know what, you know, I'll marry her anyway. And I know, in Syria, that at some people at University of Damascus, where the girl repented, and she became a righteous, pious girl, and she was sought after for marry, and she got married.

00:42:03--> 00:42:05

But, you know,

00:42:06--> 00:42:37

it's, I would think that honesty and those things are always the best policy. But the social context varies. And it can have grave implications. But I would think that person she told is dishonorable because an honorable person will say, Look, I'll marry her anyway. Because we all make mistakes, or you know what? I think I'll pass and but that's something between us now that's not something to broadcast. That person who broadcasts something like that. They're an error.

00:42:39--> 00:42:41

Then error. Yes.

00:42:42--> 00:42:43

Sheikh Abdullah,

00:42:57--> 00:43:00

reveal the secrets.

00:43:10--> 00:43:14

I'm not trying to imply that though, I think just a big, big thing.

00:43:20--> 00:43:22

How would you word the question?

00:43:23--> 00:43:24

Oh, seriously, this is

00:43:38--> 00:43:44

to the future relationships should be revealed early on, as opposed to saying

00:43:45--> 00:43:47

what happened in your past?

00:43:52--> 00:43:53

Okay, so

00:43:55--> 00:43:55

let's say you

00:44:05--> 00:44:08

No, yeah, I'm talking about before even getting married

00:44:11--> 00:44:11

the person

00:44:18--> 00:44:20

but if it's something that

00:44:21--> 00:44:21

anyway,

00:44:32--> 00:44:33

yeah.

00:44:35--> 00:44:36

I hear you.

00:44:37--> 00:44:50

I'm with you. But I'm talking about here even before one just gets involved. If you're involved in you have to use a lot of factors. I use stretching.

00:44:53--> 00:44:56

That's, that's an efficient use of movement.

00:44:57--> 00:44:59

You stretch in ask a question.

00:45:00--> 00:45:01

Well, my one of my

00:45:02--> 00:45:03

principles,

00:45:05--> 00:45:33

always try to follow the middle way. And I think that both responses are appropriate. Given the context, if you're dealing with an enlightened Arab family, you should be able to communicate that stuff in their minds enough, following the principles, which will try to maintain the honor of the family they're getting to know are the ones that are getting smoked. It's not going to be a big problem. And vice versa, for example, to Congress, that's culturally, relative,

00:45:35--> 00:45:43

as well. So I think it's a matter of assessing the situation specifically not saying this is wrong. This is the way to do it.

00:45:44--> 00:45:44

Okay.

00:45:45--> 00:45:48

The thing that's a realistic reasonable.

00:45:50--> 00:45:55

Oh, yeah. I mean, suppose like a boy and a girl does something.

00:46:04--> 00:46:12

Right? I don't disagree. That's why I'm thinking of before you become spouses.

00:46:17--> 00:46:19

But you're not spouses yet.

00:46:21--> 00:46:23

You're not married yet, though?

00:46:24--> 00:46:44

Well, no, I think that's why I think it goes back to what cd abdulah mentioned that there is a fine line. And for that reason, people are working and thinking, I'm not saying I have the the answer necessarily. I'm just trying to get you to think about these things, and how they could potentially affect your relationships.

00:46:46--> 00:47:11

All right, so now let's move to the next step. Now trust can be lost. We're human, we make mistakes, we slip. And sometimes our slips lead to a loss of trust. So when that happens, how do we go about rebuilding trust? What do we do to rebuild trust? Once is last first and foremost, we have to repent to Allah subhanho wa Taala.

00:47:12--> 00:47:26

Because if there is no repentance, we're basically saying we're not serious about restoring and rebuilding the trust that has been lost. So the first thing is repenting to Allah subhanho wa Taala.

00:47:30--> 00:47:48

So the first and foremost way this ltfs le let you want your spouse to believe in you again, you want your friend to trust in you again. ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to restore that relationship, repent to Allah.

00:47:49--> 00:47:50

Secondly,

00:47:52--> 00:48:35

understand that all of the things that destroy these these the the things, they're generally speaking, that Detroit destroyed trust are forbidden in Islam. So the things we mentioned any way extramarital affairs, that's forbidden, gambling, that's forbidden, pornography, that's forbidden. All of these things that we might fall into, generally speaking, these are forbidden things. So if we're able to understand that it helps us from going back as and Sorry, just mentioned, once we understand I'm a Muslim now, or we wake up to the fact I've always been a Muslim. I was just sleepwalking.

00:48:36--> 00:48:58

Once we are aware, we're no longer heedless. We're no longer Cauthen. Then we have to understand that those things that are forbidden should be gotten out of our lives. And if we get those things out of our lives, most of the things that destroy, undermine and eat away at trust will be removed from our life.

00:48:59--> 00:49:25

Thirdly, we have to take personal responsibility. So this religion is a religion of personal responsibility, cool camera and Roku komatsuna number at all of you are stewards. And each of you will be asked concerning his or her wards. Every one of us and then the Hadees goes in enunciates

00:49:26--> 00:49:59

enumerate several areas. And Amir are Roger Lou and Maura to Abu the Amir, the man, the woman, the servant, all of them have realms of responsibility. In the larger Ashkelon, he just did drive home the point that everyone could a new camera and that's everybody. Views code is encompasses the generality. So in any case, he says a person that has no subject sees

00:50:00--> 00:50:49

The mirror a person that's not married, he's not a husband, the person that not married, she's not a wife, a person who's not a servant, he's not responsible to any one, then that person is responsible for their limbs, their limbs or their wards. And he or she will be asked concerning how they use their limbs. Just to reinforce the idea, we're all responsible. And as responsible individuals, we have to own up to our mistakes, we have to commit ourselves to overcoming them, we have to take personal responsibility. And in the context of family responsibility is critical, is critical. Most of the time when people do those things,

00:50:50--> 00:51:11

they will acknowledge I was irresponsible, I don't know what I was doing. I was in Atlanta last week for my family reunion, wonderful gathering. When I met these gatherings and things, I sometimes I cheat and I watch television, I have to confess, I haven't had a television in my house since 1987.

00:51:12--> 00:51:49

That's when I read four arguments for the elimination of television. So I eliminated my television. But I admit, when I'm in these hotel rooms, I cheat sometimes. So I was sitting there cheating. And there was this program, where they were setting up these guys to do terrible things with under underage girls. Some of you probably saw this shows like entrapment. So they have someone make believe their 13 year old girl, and then the guy, one guy was a preacher.

00:51:51--> 00:52:06

I mean, there are all kinds of foods on there. And then when they come they have a camera waiting for him. It's like they drive like three hours. And you got to come here, I'm I'm gonna be home alone, my parents are going somewhere. And these

00:52:08--> 00:52:19

guys do and then they come in the house, there's a camera waiting, and then they get arrested. And then they interview them. And almost invariably, they didn't know what I was doing.

00:52:20--> 00:52:22

I that's not me.

00:52:23--> 00:52:41

But irresponsibility is not the way of the Muslim we have to take personal responsibility. You lubed and and what do the people say? The authorities, the police that are interviewing these creeps and perverts. You knew darn well what you were doing because you drove for hour and a half to do it.

00:52:42--> 00:52:45

You can drive hour and a half, I don't know what I'm doing.

00:52:47--> 00:52:55

Super, you know, darn well what you're doing. And y'all know piano, a lot of talent. That's what he's gonna you knew what you were doing.

00:52:57--> 00:53:01

Malcolm X, who knows Malcolm X is famous statement in that regard.

00:53:04--> 00:53:14

He said, we're running around here saying God forgive these people for they know not what they do is that as long as they've been doing it the experts by now.

00:53:19--> 00:54:02

So we have to have trust. And at this point, let's go to workbook. There's a couple exercises here. Now what this exercise particular exercise in the realm of trust, if you turn to page six, basically, this indicates what kind of baggage we're carrying. If we grew up in an environment where there was very little trust, as we mentioned before, that's going to affect us, because we assimilate values and attitudes over time. So take a little a couple minutes, go through this little exercise, see what kind of baggage you're carrying on page six.

00:54:12--> 00:54:17

And here trust is in the context of just relationships and being able to trust others.

00:54:27--> 00:54:34

Now, as you read through this, I want to ask you an additional question. And that question is

00:54:35--> 00:54:49

which of these issues so these are really different issues do you think are most damaging if they occurred during childhood? So these are all things you might have experienced as a child?

00:54:51--> 00:54:59

Which of these do you think is most damaging in terms of being able to trust when you develop into an adult

00:55:04--> 00:55:05

Anybody

00:55:10--> 00:55:11

show you said

00:55:13--> 00:55:18

someone said number seven? Someone said number five. Who said number five?

00:55:21--> 00:55:21

Number five.

00:55:23--> 00:55:25

Any other candidates? Yes.

00:55:27--> 00:55:28

Number 10.

00:55:30--> 00:55:30

So,

00:55:32--> 00:55:35

two and three, all right. Why do you say number? 10? Number? 10.

00:55:52--> 00:56:03

Okay, so when you grow up, you're never really going to be able to trust your spouse. Because you saw this violation, breach of trust going on amongst your parents.

00:56:15--> 00:56:23

Okay, let's get one of the threes the comment, there was some threes over here. Was it three? Raise your hand? A three. All right, right. Here's your three.

00:56:27--> 00:56:30

Why does number three Trump number 10? You have to make a case?

00:56:45--> 00:56:54

Number three. Okay, so it's greater than number 10. And includes number 10. And other things. It's just the Layla. Why did you say number five?

00:57:22--> 00:57:30

What if they were abusive to you? That's also there. What are the implications of that? Okay, you can talk about that.

00:57:34--> 00:57:47

And the question is, which of these issues do you think are most destructive in terms of undermining trust? when they occur in a child's life, once that child becomes an adult?

00:57:49--> 00:57:50

What number did you say?

00:57:53--> 00:57:57

No, this sister, what was your number? Five.

00:58:01--> 00:58:19

Every two, three days in your house, you know, because you grew up like that. So if you get involved with somebody that's stressing you out constantly, that you think well, that's just sort of part of life until you're around other you learn other kinds of behaviors when you're around other people. But you tend to attract those kind of things.

00:58:26--> 00:58:53

I will agree with number five also, because abuse, many times a child that's physically or sexually or psychologically abused doesn't know what's going on. But that pain is internalized. And the source of that pain becomes internalized also. So in the future, an adult if that pain come from came from a man if it came from a woman,

00:58:54--> 00:59:12

whatever source it came from, there's going to be an internalized distrust of that person. Because why people will flee away from pain. No one runs to pain unless they're sadistic, or masochistic, or whatever the word is, yes, sir.

00:59:13--> 00:59:17

But I think a big power choice. People have shifted households,

00:59:19--> 00:59:31

foster homes or abused they go from one house to none, because the parents Academy secondly, it's time to go on vacations. And anybody else to catch us in relationships is apartments.

00:59:44--> 00:59:53

Right, and as our homes become more and more dysfunctional, then alternative sources of trust, such as the gang

00:59:54--> 00:59:59

diet, these people aren't going to hurt me. These are my homies they got my back then that becomes

01:00:00--> 01:00:24

The primary source of trust and every other institution and individual outside of that circle can't be trusted. Definitely. I would agree with that also. All right, let's move on. We have time the last session tomorrow is all question answers discussion. So let's move to communication. So again, Muslims should be the most effective communicators on Earth.

01:00:27--> 01:00:28

This is a part of our religion.

01:00:31--> 01:00:32

We should be able

01:00:33--> 01:00:40

to speak gently with each other. Sometimes communication breakdowns don't lie in not talking.

01:00:41--> 01:00:51

That's the minority number of cases. Usually bad communication is involved in talking in the wrong manner.

01:00:53--> 01:01:12

So we should know that there's a way to say things. When Mu salesianum and heroin, his brother went to your own, they're instructed for Colella who Colin Lee and Allah Allahu yakko Yahshua say to him majan to work this is a tyrant.

01:01:13--> 01:01:17

So if Moosa going to this tyrant fair own,

01:01:18--> 01:01:26

is instructed to speak gently to him, What prevents us from speaking gently to our spouse, who we love, who's not a tyrant?

01:01:29--> 01:01:43

What stops us we should be experts. these are these are meanings that our religion conveys to us. the very essence of what makes us human.

01:01:44--> 01:02:05

There are several things but one thing that makes us human is the ability to effectively communicate was the proof of that from the Quran. One thing that makes us effective, essentially human is our ability to effectively communicate. What's the proof from the Quran?

01:02:06--> 01:02:07

Yes.

01:02:15--> 01:02:30

There's one proof if you yelled and screamed that people will contact one god either kalbi young folk to learn fogelman how like, if you are course in crude and heart of heart, they would run away from you.

01:02:31--> 01:02:33

That's the proof, another proof

01:02:36--> 01:02:39

but even more fundamental than that, because that's

01:02:40--> 01:02:44

developed but in terms of a general characteristic we all share.

01:02:47--> 01:02:48

None.

01:02:50--> 01:03:04

All right, man. LML cor en Kala insegna lm o de n. So the merciful he has taught the end. He's created the human being out of men.

01:03:05--> 01:03:34

Allah he thought look for an alpha Lee created the human being. He's taught him how to articulate himself. So the ability to clearly articulate what we want to express is a uniquely human characteristic. And Islam is a means of cultivating the humanity in us. The people that believe in evolution. I recommend my second book. This was the first book recommendation.

01:03:37--> 01:03:42

Heaven and in a heartless world, Christopher lash. second recommendation.

01:03:50--> 01:03:54

No, I recommend that we didn't get to that part. Yeah.

01:04:40--> 01:04:41

David berlinski

01:04:43--> 01:04:53

the devil's delusion, atheism and his scientific pretentions This is a direct response to Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion.

01:04:55--> 01:04:59

So some Muslims read those books, Christopher Hitchens

01:05:00--> 01:05:01

is not great.

01:05:02--> 01:05:21

They are Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion, Sam Harris the end of faith. They are the they're the icons of the atheist ideology. atheism has been made into an ideology. And some Muslims read those books and start shaking. Oh man, is that true?

01:05:24--> 01:05:38

My professors telling me this is a direct response to that. And so what he says is essentially that atheism is far less scientific than religion.

01:05:41--> 01:05:51

Because religion if you have an answer, that's more scientific than no answer. All right, the the scientists tell us that this

01:05:52--> 01:05:56

all of this started with the Big Bang,

01:05:57--> 01:05:58

Masha Allah.

01:06:00--> 01:06:03

Now, where did that dense matter

01:06:04--> 01:06:11

that constituted the source of the Big Bang? Where did that come from?

01:06:12--> 01:06:14

What do the scientists tell us?

01:06:16--> 01:06:22

They don't know. What does religious teller religion tell us? God made it

01:06:25--> 01:06:28

was a stronger, more scientific answer.

01:06:29--> 01:06:43

That God made it because that's an explanation. God made it is an explanation, we don't know is no explanation. And science is a means for us to explain things.

01:06:45--> 01:06:48

But anyway, the point I want to make here are number

01:06:49--> 01:06:54

one of the fundamental pillars of atheism is the theory of evolution.

01:06:55--> 01:07:01

In reality, the theory of evolution is one that is shakiest from a scientific standpoint.

01:07:02--> 01:07:11

Theories ever ever conjugated up, ever are conjured up not conjugated. That's Arabic intensiv.

01:07:13--> 01:07:15

My brain has been conjugated.

01:07:17--> 01:07:22

conjured up. Why? What does evolution propose that we came from apes?

01:07:24--> 01:07:25

I come from no monkey.

01:07:29--> 01:07:53

We that we came from apes and that we slowly evolved. Okay, that sounds that makes some makes sense. Okay, if we slowly evolved, why is there such a huge, measurable difference between our ability to articulate ourselves in that of our nearest primate competitor?

01:07:55--> 01:08:01

A gap so wide, that there is no realistic means to measure the difference?

01:08:03--> 01:08:07

How do we evolve from that slowly?

01:08:08--> 01:08:12

And there's such a radical difference. Someone explained that to me.

01:08:13--> 01:08:19

If you explain that, to me, in a convincing fashion, I'll believe in the theory of evolution.

01:08:21--> 01:08:31

Because God created us, just like he created, as long as we the fossil record, that's the basis of evolution, right? the fossil record.

01:08:33--> 01:08:36

Here's the fossil record from for a chimpanzee,

01:08:39--> 01:08:40

gorilla.

01:08:41--> 01:08:42

And a Ranga. Tang,

01:08:44--> 01:08:46

a spider monkey,

01:08:47--> 01:08:53

a rhesus monkey. That's our h na, R e. That's the cup.

01:08:55--> 01:08:57

And then the human being

01:08:59--> 01:09:01

as we examine the fossil record,

01:09:03--> 01:09:12

at what point do we discover a common link between the chimpanzee the gorilla, the orangutan, the spider monkey, the rhesus monkey and the human being?

01:09:14--> 01:09:15

Yes, sir.

01:09:17--> 01:09:20

Very related, linguistic perspective.

01:09:21--> 01:09:22

The theory is that

01:09:24--> 01:09:52

the ability to speak in reason could not have been did not have evolved that you either have a fully developed language or none at all. A lot of our neighborhood then he taught him to articulate himself on the other end. What is the evidence right now today? All these are here. We have Mung chimpanzees are still here might not be following the way default this deforestation is going on. gorillas are still here.

01:09:53--> 01:09:55

orangutangs are still here.

01:09:57--> 01:09:59

spider monkeys are here rhesus monkey

01:10:00--> 01:10:11

are here and humans are here. What evidence can we find in the recent fossil record that as the theory polls, we're moving towards a common destiny?

01:10:15--> 01:10:21

What? There is absolutely no evidence, zero, there's none cifre nothing

01:10:22--> 01:10:23

at all.

01:10:24--> 01:10:25

So,

01:10:26--> 01:10:42

our ability to speak, and to articulate in incredible ways to write poetry. I'm telling you, if you believe in Darwin, you're gonna be waiting a long time before there's a monkey Shakespeare.

01:10:44--> 01:10:45

I know evolution slow.

01:10:47--> 01:10:58

But our ability to write poetry, our ability to articulate ourselves to this degree, our ability to even make constructive nonsense.

01:11:01--> 01:11:31

Seriously, nonsense. Like, who was that? Lewis Carroll Twas brillig and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wave, or member or the Barbary golds in the moment, a roughed out grade be where the bandersnatch my son, the claws that catch the dog, the jaws that the claws that scratch the jaws that cats Beware the jubjub bird and Shawn, the freemius bandersnatch. Remember that elementary school, the bandwidth net?

01:11:32--> 01:11:39

Don't know the Jabberwocky. That's it the Jabberwocky that is structured nonsense.

01:11:41--> 01:12:16

No monkey can make nonsense, but it's not structured. I guarantee you. So anyway, this is a book I highly recommend because Muslims a lot of times don't believe what the doctrines of the world say. But sometimes find themselves with no ammunition. And and Phil kind of in a weak position just being silence. So he gives you a lot of ammunition. So that's book recommendation number two. All right. Okay, back to where we were right here. So Luna had to come earlier, he may have been NFC.

01:12:17--> 01:12:22

So why would this be relevant in the context of communication?

01:12:24--> 01:12:24

I asked you.

01:12:27--> 01:12:28

Who? Yes.

01:12:30--> 01:12:30

I'm sorry.

01:12:33--> 01:12:34

Oh, no one.

01:12:35--> 01:12:48

No one who truly believes until he or it could be she lost his brother what he loves for himself. I'm sorry. Now let me ask the question. Why would this be relevant in the realm of communication?

01:12:52--> 01:13:20

If you want someone yelling at you all the time, if you want someone lying to you, anyone want someone berating and belittling you talking down to you? Know, so don't do it to other people. That's how it's relevant. Let me know how to come hotter you have Dahlia, he may bully nasty, you wouldn't want someone to do it to you don't do it to someone else. So that's where the relevance of this comes in.

01:13:23--> 01:13:34

So, effective communication, one of the first things that enhances effective communication is knowing when to talk.

01:13:36--> 01:13:44

A lot of times we don't communicate effectively, because our talking is not timely.

01:13:45--> 01:13:57

When talk becomes background noise Yeah. papapapa Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. Does anyone listen to you? I'm a little hoarse. I can't do a good chicken. Man. That sounds like a sick chicken.

01:13:59--> 01:14:09

But when there's just this background noise and clatter in the No wonder Yes. Right. Okay, like reading the newspaper.

01:14:10--> 01:14:30

Knowing how to listen, a lot of times effective communication does not occur, not due to a lack of talking effective talking, but the inability to listen, tone in addition to knowing when to talk, we have to know when to listen.

01:14:36--> 01:14:41

What are some barriers to effective listening?

01:14:44--> 01:14:51

What are barriers in terms of inappropriate speech? Over talking? What does it mean to talk over someone

01:14:55--> 01:14:59

cutting them off, not letting them get in a word as edgewise, as they say

01:15:00--> 01:15:01

Bill O'Reilly is a master of that.

01:15:03--> 01:15:11

So is that the person you ask them to explain themselves? You know, why did you do that? Well, actually, yeah, but you shouldn't have done it.

01:15:13--> 01:15:28

Well, yeah, I'm just trying to explain why I did. I don't care what you're saying is wrong, you shouldn't have done it. So we're over talking, they can't express their opinion. So that's a very, very bad habit. And sometimes we engage in it unconsciously.

01:15:30--> 01:15:48

If someone could record some of our tense moments, we could see some of that. And we realize that you know what, I need to just step back and be quiet and let people articulate themselves and say what they're trying to say. So try not to over talk.

01:15:50--> 01:15:55

Secondly, justifying behavior one is criticized for.

01:15:58--> 01:16:42

So again, that undermines effective communication, because effective communication should include the ability to criticize and say you were wrong. You lied. That wasn't a lie. Because in some circumstances, but that wasn't one of the circumstances. We're not at war. You can Yeah, you can love Yeah, no, it's not war was like a war. I mean, it gets tense up in here sometimes. And so I mean, that wasn't a lie anyway, but you didn't tell the truth. It wasn't that I didn't tell the truth. You didn't hear the truth? I was trying to tell it. But I was telling it through the context of not telling the truth. And so then what do you do? So you're just trying to give person some the

01:16:42--> 01:16:54

see ha, might be your husband might be your wife might be a child, it might be your parent. And they just don't want to hear it. Every angle you come from, there's a justification. So what do you do?

01:16:55--> 01:16:59

zip? Right? You say was the use

01:17:00--> 01:17:01

was the use?

01:17:02--> 01:17:06

And so that leads to communication breaking down.

01:17:07--> 01:17:25

And then the that problem might become so bad, it spills out of the home, and then other people? And then why don't you tell me that? You know, I was I had this habit of distorting the truth. Or I tried to tell you, you didn't want to listen. So I just gave up.

01:17:26--> 01:17:56

So this is a one reason that communication breakdown, putting off a hard conversation, sometimes we have to have that hard conversation. And we put it off and put it off. And the more we put it off, does it become easier or more difficult to talk about it? It becomes harder. We think actually, just soon as this happened, I should have talked about it. And so we're looking for the perfect angle to sneak it in there.

01:17:59--> 01:18:00

Africa.

01:18:02--> 01:18:29

And that opportunity never comes. And so the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months, and the months might turn into years. And we know we have to have this conversation, but we can't do it. And so that these two are breakdown and effective communication, being too afraid to clash. Sometimes a clash can be healthy.

01:18:31--> 01:18:43

It can be cathartic. What is something that's cathartic? It can be a cathartic a catharsis, a cathartic agent. What does that mean?

01:18:44--> 01:19:02

cleansing something that cleanses and purifies. So we shouldn't be afraid to clash. If I talk about this, we're going to have an argument. Sometimes you got to have that argument. Keep it clean, keep it within bounds. You referee in this corner.

01:19:03--> 01:19:18

And this corner. I less Let's keep this clean. No hitting in the clinches. The three knockdown rule is in effect, you gotta just put some parameters. But you have to have that battle.

01:19:19--> 01:19:59

And sometimes, being afraid to clash leads to a breakdown in communications. Because I know if I talk about this, we're gonna have an argument. He doesn't want to hear this. She doesn't want to hear it. And so we put it off again, when putting it off ultimately is going to lead to far more damage in the relationship than just duking it out once and for all. So we shouldn't be afraid to clash. Ignoring or tuning out one's partner again. Communication breaks down person. They're not listening. They never listen.

01:20:00--> 01:20:28

So the other partner stops talking. No one likes talking in themselves. No one likes being ignored. No one likes being disrespected. So when that happens, there's a tendency to shut down. So all of these things we have to try to avoid. Yes, sir. One second. Let me just run through the litany over talking justifying behavior. One is criticized for putting off hard conversation, being afraid to clash ignoring or tuning out one's partners. Yes, sir.

01:20:43--> 01:20:45

That's too much talking.

01:20:51--> 01:20:56

Well, I mentioned that first meme the chicken thing, the chicken.

01:20:58--> 01:21:02

That was the over talking. I should have put it up there. Put a chicken up there instead.

01:21:06--> 01:21:11

But most definitely, because then it becomes just like his background noise.

01:21:12--> 01:21:16

And so you get comfortable with it. It's like, yeah,

01:21:17--> 01:21:20

honey, how come you're not talking? I'm getting nervous up in here.

01:21:22--> 01:21:27

Like something in the background. I can't read the paper start talking. So I can concentrate.

01:21:35--> 01:22:01

Dealing with tough topics. Again, there. We mentioned, putting off that hard conversation being afraid to clash. Sometimes there are justifiably legitimately there are hard, tough topics that we have to deal with. So there's insight that we have in terms of dealing with that, number one, when you're dealing with something does tough.

01:22:02--> 01:22:06

Admit before you hit or quit. What does that mean?

01:22:08--> 01:22:27

admit your guilt admit you're wrong. Talk about your role in whatever the problem is, before either you become violent, because most violence, most violence movement is rooted in two things guilt and was the second guilt and

01:22:28--> 01:22:55

insecurity. That's it. Most violence is rooted in guilt or insecurity. Persons harboring guilt and projects those feelings, feelings onto another or a person's insecurity leads them to become violent as a way of exerting themselves to hide their fundamental weakness or insecurity with themselves. So, one has to

01:22:56--> 01:23:06

freely acknowledge the blame one might have in a problem before resorting to violence or shutting down

01:23:08--> 01:23:11

the second, identify, don't vilify,

01:23:12--> 01:23:37

identify don't vilify. This is aphorism practice, folks, for forgotten forgot. In other words, when you're talking about a tough topic, identify try to identify the problem and come up with a solution and don't vilify the other person. know if you want so stupid, we have some money.

01:23:38--> 01:23:46

So I might be stupid. But if you get out of the bed and go to work, we have some money no matter how stupid I am.

01:23:48--> 01:23:59

So we're vilifying? You're stupid. you're lazy. You're shiftless, you're unfocused. You don't know what you want. And you just have a big head.

01:24:02--> 01:24:07

Well, I had a big head. You so skinny you could use a Cheerio for hula hoop.

01:24:10--> 01:24:17

So we just vilifying at that point, one identify the problem. What is the problem?

01:24:18--> 01:24:22

What is the problem? No vilify, because what happens

01:24:23--> 01:24:47

when we vilify communication stops, either because of the arguing the tension or just breaks down all together. Identify the problem, because we're what are we trying to do if we're talking about something tough? We're trying to get to the root of the problem and solve it. And vilifying each other isn't going to

01:24:48--> 01:24:51

to do the job. There was a song back in the 60s

01:24:53--> 01:24:59

might have been the 70s. I lost count, but it goes like this and it's

01:25:00--> 01:25:08

Some of those songs have meaning. Nowadays they can't even write songs anymore. That's why they do they bring an old song and then mess it up.

01:25:13--> 01:25:19

But when they said, There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy. There's only you and me and we just disagree.

01:25:20--> 01:25:39

As a serious lyric, there ain't no good guy. There ain't no bad guy. There's only you and me, and we just disagree. So let's leave off all this vilification and name calling and get to the root of the problem and try to get some harmony established here.

01:25:41--> 01:25:42

So thoroughly.

01:25:43--> 01:25:46

Watch your words if you want to be heard.

01:25:47--> 01:26:06

So for example, don't attack. Don't issue out ultimatums. Look for solution. Never issue ultimatums to someone you're involved in a relationship. And, well, if you don't stop doing that I'm out of here. You got two weeks to straighten out. Don't do that.

01:26:07--> 01:26:14

Because you're going to be put to the test two weeks, they're going to come in, okay, I thought you out of here. start packing.

01:26:17--> 01:26:36

Don't issue ultimatums don't attack. Because why that never helps to solve the problem. We're trying to solve a problem that's a serious problem was attacking each other gonna do that's gonna make the problem worse, it's not going to solve it. issuing ultimatums isn't going to solve the problem.

01:26:37--> 01:26:58

So let's put our heads together, forget vilifying each other, forget attacking each other, let's put our heads together and solve this problem. And put our hearts together. Know that change is contagious. Sometimes, when there's a problem in a relationship, any relationship

01:27:00--> 01:27:01

instead of

01:27:02--> 01:27:12

trying to get our way by imposing our view, and imposing our solution, sometimes we have to backup and offer something.

01:27:13--> 01:27:24

See is not all give, take what I'm giving. I'll make an offer and put the ball in the other court. So we have a situation where

01:27:25--> 01:27:39

there are two parties. Party A is the husband, party B is the wife. So the husband, he wants his wife to pick up the kids from school.

01:27:40--> 01:28:34

That's all he wants. Because when he picks up the school, he has to take a late lunch break. He has to stay extra An hour later at work. Because he has to leave work, go get the kids, bring them home, go back to work. And he has to do this at three o'clock in the afternoon. So all he wants from his wife is that she picks the kids up. So he's been going battling her for year over this. He's tried the subtle hint. They've had the blazing argument. He's tried nagging, and she won't do it. So he changes his strategy. He says to her, instead of saying pick the kids up, you know, make my life easy. Please, my lunch break. I have to do solid. Now I got to do select come get the kids. I don't

01:28:34--> 01:28:53

have time to eat anything. I have to stay later because I'm getting taken an extra long lunch. So please get he just backs up and he says you know what? I'll be sure to stick with you. And then I'll put the kids in that every night. Before I watch the football highlights my ESPN.

01:28:55--> 01:29:00

Now that's one of the great mysteries. How many times can you watch a guy making a touchdown?

01:29:03--> 01:29:42

It's like, No, wait, I'll be there in 10 minutes. And watch this touchdown. Isn't that the same touchdown the show 15 minutes ago. Yeah, it was well, I want to see it again. But he says before I do all that we want to sit down, read some core and together then I will make sure the kids get tucked in then I'll go watch my ESPN. So now he's offered or something. So in response to that kind of offer. She's taken off guards he says then I'll pick the children up if you tucking them in at night. I'll pick them up from school so you don't have to leave the shop every day and then go back.

01:29:44--> 01:29:52

So sometimes we have to change the discourse. See it says anything about her picking up the kids now.

01:29:53--> 01:29:59

He talked about something totally unrelated but that sent the message to her. You

01:30:00--> 01:30:04

That message is, you know, I'm willing to give up something for you.

01:30:05--> 01:30:11

And that message led to her saying, you know what, then I can give up something for you.

01:30:12--> 01:30:15

So I'll miss Oprah, and go get the kids.

01:30:19--> 01:30:27

So if we communicate effectively, then we'll be doing a lot of these will be on the kitchen table.

01:30:29--> 01:30:32

Because we'll always be replenishing. Yes, sir.

01:30:34--> 01:30:45

But I think but you mentioned a very, very important point. And that is, and a lot of these if we go back and consider some of these things,

01:30:46--> 01:30:47

even before here,

01:30:51--> 01:30:54

this thing is, this is new, can use to it.

01:30:56--> 01:31:06

Over talking, all of these things, indicate if they're going on ignoring tuning out over talking too much talking that

01:31:09--> 01:31:12

one party or the other doesn't deem the

01:31:13--> 01:31:37

doesn't convey a sense of importance to what the other is trying to say. And what the prophet was able to do so like to sell him, anyone he talked to, he made them feel important. And one way did it was to turn his entire body was to respond to them in a way that made them feel Wow, he's really interested

01:31:39--> 01:31:42

in what I'm saying. So these are really just

01:31:44--> 01:31:53

insights to encourage us to do exactly that. What we're going to do, let me go back, let me go back to flowers.

01:31:55--> 01:32:18

There's an exercise here. Actually, there are a couple there's several on pages seven and eight related to communication. So let's work through some of these together. So the first one, page seven, categorize yourself in terms of communication skills, as one of the following. Don't raise your hand.

01:32:19--> 01:32:28

The no at all, you enjoy showing off in front of others and giving unsolicited advice. So are you know at all,

01:32:30--> 01:33:19

the controller, you always taking charge in your relationships with others or you try to control passively through complaining and whining, that's one of the great control techniques. Because that manipulates the response and elicit is elicit a response from the people you're complaining and whining to you. As you know, if I start complaining, then he or she is going to do this to get me to shut up. So that's control. So control isn't always bludgeoning someone into submission, their various devices, the pleaser you specialize in going along to get along. You rarely say what you mean. And you frequently do not mean what you say.

01:33:21--> 01:33:40

The victim, you specialize in creating relating to others, the injustice is you're constantly experiencing again to control them by eliciting certain types of response. So my question Why do you think the note all acts the way he or she does

01:33:43--> 01:33:44

insecurity?

01:33:47--> 01:33:49

elaborate on that answer?

01:33:51--> 01:33:56

Did you say in security, then you elaborate on Yes. You know, Yeah, I did. I'm sorry. I said,

01:33:58--> 01:33:58

Yeah.

01:34:04--> 01:34:37

And to compensate and try to prove to others even though they might not need to be convinced they're willing to accept you as you are. But your insecurity leads you to fill. Unless I show them I'm in command. I know everything. They'll look down on me, they'll think less of me. Okay, just Sokoloff here the controller, why does the controller act like, behave the way he or she behaves? Wonder brothers. What do you think? The controller always taking charge?

01:34:38--> 01:34:42

or controlling passively through whining? Is it the same reason and security?

01:34:45--> 01:34:59

So they've always had their way. And because they've always had their way that gave them a sense of control, and a feeling of entitlement. And as an adult, they continue to just act out those patterns. Very good.

01:35:00--> 01:35:13

tend to agree with that. The pleaser Why does the pleaser act the way he or she acts passively specializing and going along to get along? Rarely saying what they mean and frequently meaning what they say.

01:35:15--> 01:35:18

Sister, one of the sisters, a pleaser.

01:35:23--> 01:35:30

Okay, so you would agree and affirm the thesis that sometimes confrontation can be healthy?

01:35:33--> 01:35:40

Absolutely. D the victim brothers, why does the victim always act victimized?

01:35:41--> 01:35:45

Was the deeper motivation for that.

01:35:47--> 01:36:06

Okay, that seems to be the consequence. What do you think's the deeper motivation? So the consequence of your pushing this victimization? Is that you're going to do no no, let him follow up. You're going to de legitimize that for but what do you think the deeper motivation as pushing that person to that position?

01:36:10--> 01:36:17

Okay, that's it. That's a deep one the need to be loved. Here's some brothers that like I know. Yes.

01:36:29--> 01:36:40

I think yeah, I think that will be very close to what cddl mentioned a need to be loved. I need to be loved that my poor importance needs to be affirmed.

01:36:41--> 01:36:44

next to you. Okay, this gentleman right there.

01:36:46--> 01:36:47

Say that again.

01:36:49--> 01:36:50

deflecting

01:36:53--> 01:37:13

and that's in the long run is not healthy at all. And four point to go through that very quick yourself. And just think about, again, if this was the situation in your childhood, how would that affect the way that you communicate? So go through read through and and think about these things?

01:37:16--> 01:37:17

Then they ask you a question.

01:37:19--> 01:37:34

How many of you know someone that you will consider an ogre and not not a Shrek like ogre, but a real old school ogre? How many of you know an ogre? I mean, that dude's an ogre. That's it, you know, an ogre.

01:37:35--> 01:37:37

Why would you consider that person an ogre?

01:37:43--> 01:37:44

So they don't on you.

01:37:45--> 01:37:47

They don't talk to you.

01:37:48--> 01:37:50

They they belittle you.

01:37:51--> 01:37:53

And it's just you know, an ogre

01:37:54--> 01:37:55

you know, an ogre.

01:37:57--> 01:38:00

Unfortunately, why would you consider that person and

01:38:03--> 01:38:04

his family or his wife?

01:38:06--> 01:38:12

Listen to them. He feels like he needs to exert control over them.

01:38:15--> 01:38:19

But in the process, he lost like his family supanova

01:38:21--> 01:38:22

supanova

01:38:23--> 01:38:24

second question.

01:38:26--> 01:38:40

Now this honestly answer without no details, no details. How many of you number four. feel that your style of communication resembled that of one of your parents? Raise your hands high.

01:38:42--> 01:38:43

a fair number.

01:38:48--> 01:39:09

Was your father your hero? hamdulillah. A lot of people can say that. And that's how I should be. People you fathers should be mothers should be the hero. Father should be the hero one of the parents. Uncle somebody close. Now our heroes are people who aren't heroic.

01:39:10--> 01:39:14

My hero is this athlete. A guy can be profligate.

01:39:15--> 01:39:25

He has a nice smile in front of the camera. He's paid to smile nice like that. The nicer he smiles the more money and sneaker contracts he gets.

01:39:26--> 01:39:34

You know how many non personable non charismatic athletes get sneaker contracts. You're not going to sell sneakers?

01:39:38--> 01:39:42

You might not see that dude, man. He's hard.

01:39:43--> 01:39:44

Getting some of them.

01:39:47--> 01:39:54

Someone would have personality charisma, but a lot of time that's just for the camera for the money. This is a true story.

01:39:57--> 01:39:59

I was in Philadelphia about

01:40:00--> 01:40:06

I guess four or five years ago when they had the economic Convention in Philadelphia, four or five, six years ago.

01:40:07--> 01:40:17

And I was coming back from the convention center to the hotel, and I was with a couple young kids. And and one of them said to me, he said, Man,

01:40:18--> 01:40:25

I just saw Busta Rhymes, the rapper, Busta Rhymes, and he said, Yeah, he looked like he wanted to kill me.

01:40:28--> 01:40:35

So, I mean, he probably thought Busta Rhymes is cool rap guy, then, yo, if I meet him one day, Yo, what's up?

01:40:37--> 01:40:41

is a Buster look like he wanted to kill me. He was like shaking up.

01:40:44--> 01:40:55

You know, that's all persona. So he knows Busta Rhymes from some mediated reality face to face with him. He was in a very likable guy at all.

01:40:56--> 01:41:38

And but those become our heroes, as opposed to people close to us or should be close to us, people who are impacting our lives or should be impacting our lives, those should be our heroes. And so we should be trying to act in a fashion where those coming we find us will look up to us as heroes, and not be ashamed or afraid of that. So we're not trying to aggrandize ourselves, but we should have enough credibility and responsibility to realize people are looking at us. And sometimes we forget it. People are looking at us as an assistant, you don't know who is looking up to you. So you have to always be on point.

01:41:40--> 01:42:04

Because just as the positive things are imitated, the negative things are imitated also. And so we should try to be on point. And I take the responsibility, I'm going to try to be a positive role model and a positive influence for others. So that's why I mentioned that I finally depression. Now a lot of times,

01:42:05--> 01:42:28

depression undermines communications. And this is very real. And there's more depression nowadays. Because there are more things that depressed people, people, generally speaking feel that there are forces out there too big beyond my control. I can't even control my food. I can't buy rice, you try to buy rice lately.

01:42:30--> 01:42:37

It can be challenging me and so that's so people feel in the old days you had gardens.

01:42:38--> 01:42:42

There's a sister Sakina here from Australia.

01:42:44--> 01:42:46

Not here. She is here.

01:42:47--> 01:43:44

Later on maybe tomorrow a few here we have you explained about some of the ecological and food sustainability work that that you're involved with? Are you willing to do that? The point is, we grow food, we had a garden, we had chickens. And so we've no chickens, no garden, we lose control. And then so that the pressure and the stress of knowing Will I be able to eat next week, when a bombs be raining on my head? We'll all have some of these negative forces afoot in the world affect me in a disadvantageous a harmful way. There are a lot of forces that are working at our subconscious and our psyches that generate depression. So there's a lot more depression. Well, Oh

01:43:44--> 01:44:00

Allah, Allah knows much that has to be scientifically proven, but in an anecdotal way. I think we can safely say that. What are some major signs of depression when you see some of these things, market changes in sleeping and eating patterns.

01:44:01--> 01:44:45

withdrawal from family and friends lack of interest in activities that were once very pleasurable, General irritability, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, inability to find pleasure in any aspect of life, talk or thoughts of despairing or sort of a despairing or suicidal nature. This can often lead to destructive behavior. If you see these things and a person that's close to you. Not only will these things in many instances, alone or in combination, undermine effective communication. But these things sometimes are an indication of depression. You should try to if you see these things,

01:44:46--> 01:44:56

try to get a person directed to help. We mentioned some contacts below. This is at the national level. They can direct you to local

01:44:57--> 01:45:00

people or institutions that can help

01:45:00--> 01:45:17

You. So National Institute of Mental Health, American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, the National Alliance on Mental Illness because depression is a mental illness. And if someone's sick, one should not see that as a source of shame.

01:45:18--> 01:45:36

It's a disease, and it's a treatable disease. But when you start identified in someone try to get that person help, especially if it's someone close to you, because it will affect communications, and it can lead to deeper problems. So that's what we're going to cover today.

01:45:38--> 01:45:42

Tomorrow 10 o'clock, we're going to carry on, we're going to finish these seven

01:45:45--> 01:45:59

secrets of a happy marriage. And as you can see, I think you can see a lot of this is relevant, and all of our relationships not in just in the context of marriage. The final session is devoted exclusively to

01:46:01--> 01:46:32

discussion. There is a tremendous exercise tomorrow that some of you are going to see for the first time in your life and I'm guarantee you're going to enjoy that. So we're gonna stop right here. Any questions that you weren't able to ask write them down. Tomorrow in the context of the given take, hopefully, it'll be addressed, if not, the final session is just for questions. And what's it all about? This is what it's all about. This is the outcome we're trying to achieve.

01:46:34--> 01:46:46

So let's go for it. Desert McFerrin cinema Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh naraku godan, Saba Han insha Allah who talor cinematic warahmatullah funda