Happiness in Marriage

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

Episode Notes

Shaykh Yasir Qadhi divulges on details pertaining to the blessings of marriage and the key factors that help in its sustainability.

Each spouse finds Sakeenah through the other spouse. Each completes the other. In Surah 30, Verse 21 of Surah ar-Rum, Allah tells us that he regards the creation of spouses – the husband and wife – as a sign of His greatness. Not only has Allah created these individuals, but He himself has placed love and mercy between them so that they can live a life of tranquility, peace and harmony.

Both husband and wife need mutual respect and love, care and understanding. The husband has the right to attain respect from his wife in exchange for love and adoration towards the wife. We should submit to Allah and be just and balanced in all our relationships.

The Prophet ﷺ was the role model for husbands on how to treat wives and not once in his life did he subject his wives to domestic abuse or violence. A Hadith by him reasserts this very fact where he says that the one who abuses his wife is not among the best Muslims.

 

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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When

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a woman a

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woman you

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wash

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wash and wash. Mohammed and

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yeah you

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want

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to say one

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more let me holla

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what's up Omar

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in Nova

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was sued for deposit posing all of our

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brothers and sisters in Islam. Allah subhana wa tada reminds us in the Quran of the blessings of the institution of marriage. So many verses in the Quran remind us of the favors that allow us to kind of what's Allah has given us through this institution of marriage. Allah says in the Koran woman couldn't a

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genie

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from every single species we have made it into two pairs so that you can think you can reflect you can ponder and Allah subhana wa tada says woman, a yachtie, uncodified ekomi, fusi, comas watcher of his miracles. The idea here means that indication of a law, an idea is an indication that a law exists. An idea is an indication that Allah is merciful, Allah is carrying Allah is loving. So Allah is saying, of the signs of his existence, of the signs of His perfection of his of His love is what

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acoustical

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that he has created from you for you. Notice how beautiful the support on Jada Lakhan men

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he has created from you, for you as spouses. So Allah is saying, you know, there's a famous book here says men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Allah say no, both of you are from Earth. Giada de unforseeable, Allah created the two of you from each other, you are the same species, if Allah had wanted to Allah could have created a different creation. And in that creation, husbands and wives would literally have been different creations. But it was saying no cut out by that comb mean,

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the two of you are from the same origin. You're from the same species, and the two of you are meant for each other.

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The man needs the woman the woman needs the man, the husband needs the wife, the wife needs the husband.

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Without the husband, the wife is incomplete, the woman is incomplete, without the wife, the man is incomplete has been is incomplete. I

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mean,

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why what what is there for each spouse, the test schooner Elena is a very beautiful verse because generally speaking, the word sukoon comes with the with the adverb, not not but Allah.

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Allah says the test guru Elijah, and this changes the whole meaning just means you live with her. That

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means you find the healer through, you find peace through her. So Allah is saying that the spouse, each fight, his spouse finds peace sakeena in the others, each spouse protects the other spouse, they just screw eBay, you will find the key that as a healer means what he says the hardest comfort living is to handle our brothers and sisters, those of you that are blessed with marriage, while it if the marriage is good, life is good. If the marriage is good, no matter what the financial situation, no matter what the politics, when the household is good, your house you're fine, your heart, your your your your whole sikita is fine. But if there are problems in the marriage, then

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we'll see if you have this whole world and all that is in it. You will not find

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if you have millions in your bank account, if all of society respects you, but in the privacy of your house if your marriage is a failure, if your marriage is not working out, then we'll love you will never find sikita in this one's then what a lot is St Peter's como la la, la la

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la la la has placed between the two of

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You know with debt and lower debt is a very beautiful Arabic word because there are more than 10 words in the Arabic language that describe love. You know in English there was a well only one word is called love. In Arabic there are more than 10 words that are used for love. And the word my wife Deb is a very beautiful, very specific type of word because millet depth is a love that is a tender love. It's a love that is a love where you're concerned about the other party. This is the word mullet. And you can use it outside the context of marriage you the primary use will be the love that a mother has for her children is my wonder why a lot is using it for the love between the couples

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Why? To demonstrate to illustrate that the primary love that the couples should have is to care to be concerned about the other party to want to make sure the other party is happy. This is what what what that is. And a lot you say where did this love come from? What Jaya. Allah has put that love between you that is lower than that is that mercy, that tenderness and so candlelight is amazing brothers and sisters, and all of us that are happily married. We know this, all of us that are happily married. We know this reality. What is this reality that the love that The couple has for each other. It is a love that is stronger than any other love before that point in time.

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No person has experienced the type of love that you will have for your spouse before getting married. The love that you have for your parents that love the job of your siblings, and the irony, your parents and your siblings, they have been there for your whole life. Then a person needs a stranger. And he proposes to the stranger. And amazingly the love that develops for this stranger in blood and kith and kin. You have not been born you have not been raised with this person, two strangers come together. And then Allah creates that love between these strangers and they become husband wife, and the bond that exists between the husband wife is stronger than any other bond

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before that point in time. Where does that come from? What

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Allah has put that love between the two of you, indeed, like your brothers and sisters, our Prophet system has said it as bluntly as possible. The heaviness of

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this whole world is a very limited enjoyment. Nothing in this world lasts forever. This whole world is a play thing. The real world is the next Yes. And in this world, the prophet system said, the best marriage for the best claimant or the best enjoyment will be a righteous us. Think about this, yes, nothing lasts forever in this world. And no doubt the next world is the ultimate life. But in this dunya what is the best enjoyment that you can have? It's not money. It's not. It's not what society says it's not. It's not fortune. The best happiness is the happiness of a good marriage. The best happiness is the happiness of a good marriage. If you're happy in the house, then move on IE if

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society crumbles, you can still get along. But if the household crumbles, then your partner

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if the household is not in its proper affairs. If the household is not running smoothly, then no matter what is happening outside the house, the man or the woman cannot function properly. And therefore brothers and sisters our [???]ty

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understanding this reality, after all, a lot creators in this manner has told us how to attain happiness within marriages. And no doubt much can be said and much should be said time limits us to only a few points. Brothers and sisters. I want to reiterate over here that it is imperative that every single one of you reads about what Allah has said about marriage what the prophet says instead about marriage. What our scholars have said about marriage learn how is the best way to have marriage but what is the best way to treat a woman How should a woman has been one hold of a 10 foot bus 100 hold but cannot do the justice that you will do when you read up and you take classes and

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studying from people who are qualified to teach you learn how do I have a good marriage in my life, so that inshallah tada your happiness in that in that area can increase in this short hold of us. I just want to illustrate a few small points that the shipyard has emphasized and let us begin with the right that the husband has over his wife. How should the wife treat the husband? And there is no doubt brothers and sisters that our religion has been very clear here that our religion has said that the wife must treat the husband with the type of respect that is not going to be reciprocated, rather rechargeable oh one more now.

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This is very clear brothers and sisters, no matter what society is saying no matter what the broader public is saying. Our Shetty is

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It's very clear to reach out to moon either nissa men are a love over women, whatever the

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men have one decree about women, this is a verse of the heart. It doesn't matter how politically incorrect it is. It doesn't matter what the broader public says, our core on the speech of Allah subhana wa tada has spoken. And anybody who believes in this book needs to understand this reality. And what is this reality, men are called avant over women, what is a one a one has many meanings, what are considered only two in today's clip, number one, men are in charge of taking care of women, meaning, who gets to pay the rent, who has to pay the bills, who will pay for the food, who will pay for the groceries, who will manage a rechargeable,

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one means he is the one that is responsible at the end of the day.

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It is the man who must take care of the responsibilities. And this is something that we all notice, it is the man who must pay for his wife's food, his wife stretched his wife maintenance, his wife's clothes, not the other way around. Now, if the couple agrees that the wife says I want to work, and I'll also help, that's fine, but who is obliged by Allah subhana wa Tada. It is the man when the man has responsibilities in this regard. So he also gets privileges as well. The one who pays also has some respect as well, and so called mom also means the decision maker. A one also means the one in charge, not just as a new build, the one in charge of steering the ship, the one in charge of

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literally managing the marriage. And so no doubt the husband and wife have the right to differ, just agree they can go back and forth. But in the end, no ship can be led by two captains, no car can be driven by two people. In the end, there must be one person who has the authority over the other. And this area is very clear, when in reality it can only juggle co working.

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Men do have that degree over women. And therefore this translates into modern languages, very simple points, brothers and sisters. And by the way, much has been written even by non Muslims in this regard. Once upon a time in the 60s and 70s. There was this philosophy that men and women should be absolutely equal, absolutely partners this and that. And society thought that was not the right way divorces skyrocketed, divorces, not just quadruple divorces increased by 10 times what they were in the 30s and 40s. And there is now a new wave amongst the non Muslims that is calling for old values to be resurrected, that are saying that and there are many books written and I have read many of

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these and I've given lectures about this. These are people that don't believe in the Quran, but they're preaching the same message through bitter experience. What is that message, once men required in the end of the day is one simple word. When they get it, they become the best husbands? What is that magic word? Respect. Respect. When the wife respects

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what the wife gives that is that she trusts her husband to take care of her. She trusts the decision of her husband, she literally lets herself go says you're in charge, then the man feels like a man. And the man feels like I will do my best. I'm going to give it my 110% because my wife has trusted me, my wife has respected me. But when the wife double guests is when the wife instead of becoming a wife becomes the mother. Nobody wants to marry a mother figure. When the wife becomes the mother, she starts micromanaging. She started doing what the husband supposed to do, then guess what the husband says forget how to take charge. And he doesn't Be a man anymore. Why? Because his manhood

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has been insulted by his wife when his wife wants to take over this job, no other than the Java code.

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And there are many, as I said, books written about this. And there's a famous feminist writing with Laura Doyle, that she went through two marriages. And she wrote a very interesting book in her third marriage. And she said, I used to be a hardcore feminist. I used to argue every point I would not agree to anything the husband said and I went through two bitter divorces. I wondered why this is. And then she said, I changed my philosophy. And I became somebody that is feminine. Rather than trying to be masculine, I became feminine. And my third marriage is the best marriage. My husband loves me too, because he takes care of me. Why? Because I've handed everything that is a man

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responsibility over to him, I don't nitpick. I don't grow and I don't complain. I do what a wife is supposed to do. And that is respect her husband. She is a non Muslim. She's not even a Christian. She's just writing from an agnostic perspective. And from her own experiences. Once she respected for us that what happened the husband became the loving husband that she wanted

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An example of this respect is that common happy that everybody knows. That's the issue of intimacy and romance. That's when the man once this issue when the man calls for his wife, we all know the famous Hadith that the when the wife says no to this issue, that a lot of curses are the angels cursor. Now, why? why a lot of sisters say, Well, why is this is not fair? How come every time he calls to have to respond? See, it's not an issue of the bedroom is not an issue of intimacy and romance. It's an issue of respect that the man is calling you, and the man wants you, and you turn the other cheek and say, No, I don't care, I'm going to devote, I don't want to do it right now.

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It's a matter of the height of disrespect. That when the husband is calling, and the wife says, No, I don't watch. And that damages the marriage like nothing else, because the mountains respect has been earned. And this is something that Sherry has been very explicit about. And therefore brothers and sisters, the main point that I want to emphasize here, the rights that the husband has over the wife is the rights of respect. And this is demonstrated in that infamous, because people have misused it, people have abused it, people find it problematic. But the essence of the heavy illustrates this point. And that is what the prophets have said, I have for Legion and the person to

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bow down in front of another town for any person to lower their bow down in front of another. But if I were to open this door, then I would have said that the wife should bow down in front of her husband, because of them upon the rights that the husband has over. Now think about what is this view, we're not allowed to

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talk about them in front of another person. But the presidency if I were to open this door, who has the right the most to be shown respect, it is the highest.

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And I explain that I reiterate, when the husband is shown that respect, he will show the love that the wife wants, he will adore his wife. And frankly, I shouldn't say this too explicitly, because our sisters will misuse and abuse this but will not be sisters, if you truly understood the power you can have over your husbands when you show him this love and respect. In reality, your husband will become your slave, your husband will become your servant, if you give them that respect, that will lobby every wish will become his beck and call every desire of yours, you will race to join us. But when you rebuke when you cursed him, when you show him an attitude, that why would he do it?

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But when you show him the respect that will lie he will do everything that you want, and that is the human nature of the man. Now what is the second half of this? That is the rights of the wife over the husband, what should the wife expect from the husband? The Sharia, of course obligates taking care of her needs. This is the main obligation. But the sheni are also obligates good manners, treating her with the love that she wants. What is the wife want the most from the husband? That closeness that's that love that adoration. The wife always wants to be reminded that her husband still loves her. And this is the biggest problem of husbands. They don't understand that women never

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take love for granted. Women. That's why they love it when the husband raised flowers. They love it when the husband takes them out on a romantic date romantic dating couples don't misquote me right? Husband and wife can go on a date. Right? When the husband shows them some some repo remember, we got married on this day and brings them some gifts on this day. Why do the wives love it? Because it shows them over and over again. My husband's two loves me. My husband still cares about me. And wise. Love is when their husbands show that that closeness problems that husbands have, they should share with their wives. Because a lot of men we and I'm guilty of this as over like to bottle up.

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It's not in our nature to share our problems. But you see when we don't share our problems. women feel they're leaving that we're leaving them out of the picture. Wives The one thing that they want the most from their husbands is that connection, that emotional connection, that that feeling that my husband truly loves me and cares about me. And that is why Allah subhanho wa Taala has commanded the man Why should we

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treat women with dignity and respect we treat women in kindness as the prophets of Allah It was said that said is supposed to be nice that I command you to treat women with clay I command you is also I command you to treat women in kindness and goodness. And we see from the life of a prophet civil law that he will send them how he was with his wife. Alicia says that the prophecies would not like to talk after issue after issue. In those days they would just go to sleep and they would not have the late evening Unfortunately, we don't have this soon that we have lady

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But she said, he would speak with me in bed until the late nights. The woman loves this that the husband opens up to her tells her the problem because that's the emotional connection that I should say the processor would speak to me until late night, but he would not speak with the other men. This is not the time for socialization in those days. So in our days, we need to literally cut out some time, private time for the couples every evening, every day, there should be a few minutes or just the husband and wife. They reconnect. They explain what is happening, the problems the issues are the very last hope that our promises and gave the whole budget was out in front of 100,000 men.

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What did he say? He said that Verily, Allah subhana wa tada has given you your wives. blessing from Allah, Allah has given you your wife, and the Lord has made them handout for you. So treat them well and respect their honor. And you have no way or you have no right to harm them, that are right over you is that you take care of them with with good manners. This is the last book that the process is getting in front of 100,000 people all the time, that I command you to treat women with kindness and Allah has given them to you they are your responsibilities. physically, emotionally. Generally speaking, the man is superior to the woman physically he is stronger emotionally, he can take more

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and so women are fragile. Men need to understand this. What did our promises have described women as he described women as being delicate, delicate ornaments, delicate, fragile glasses. He described them as being delicate brothers and sisters, a hard word, a harsh word, a viral curse can sometimes hurt the heart of a woman even more than a physical words, sometimes saying something mean can hurt for more for months and years, then even a physical hurt. And so brothers, Allah has given you added responsibility. And realize, our Prophet says that I've said three things, three gold coins, one of them you spend, for charity, the other you spend for freeing a slave, and the third you spend on

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your wife. The most rewarding is the one you spend on your wife. Brothers pay attention to this. Many of us are stingy when it comes to our family, we will give myself that's about a collage of good causes that we should well, but we will spend on ourselves and our clothes. What did our promises that I'm saying? Even freeing a slave, which we know how much it is an Oran, spending it on your wife is more or less. You see when you get a gift for your wife, when you spend some money on her. She feels loved, she feels my husband cares about me. And that love she will reciprocate in respect. Notice that I'll be very explicit here. Though the man wants hug his wife, respect. And the

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wife wants from her husband, love and adoration. And listen to this. Now, when a man gets respect, he will show love. When the wife gets love, she will show respect. It's a cycle brothers and sisters, it is a cycle when you give what your wife wants, your wife will get you what you want. Why is when you give your husband what he wants, he will give you what you want, love and respect, and the two of this go hand in hand in a successful marriage. And I have to mention one more point before I finish the first quote. But and there's a taboo topic is a very topic that is not mentioned publicly, yet it must be mentioned and I have to be very explicit here. And that is the issue of

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marital violence. That is the issue of marital and spousal abuse brothers. And this is a common problem amongst brothers. Obviously, the opposite does exist, but it is very exception. Primarily it is men who are physically abused women brothers listen to this, that once the Prophet system stood up, and he gave a general hold above, and he prohibited men prohibited them from beating their wives. And this was in a culture where every man used to hit his wife, the shediac came and he said you are not supposed to Shabbat the person said do not beat your women. So after a few weeks, after a few months, the women realized that none of their husbands would beat them. So they became a

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little bit arrogant and cocky, their tongues became too sharp. And so robot came to the process of the massage aroma. And he said yes, Lola, the women have become too sharp. The reviews are too much. It's too much. Now you have told us not to do it. Now the women have the upper hand we're not allowed to do so the heavy says rock costs on the processor. Give me the laxity that okay? It's okay if they become very angry or very vulgar, then it's okay. The next morning 50 women came to the house of admission, complaining about their husbands that their husbands had been 50 women are getting

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They're outside the house. And the Prophet says again, another quote, fanatic. And he warned them and cautioned them about beating their wives. And he said, Today 50 women came to me complaining about their husbands. These men are not the best of you.

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These men are not the best of you. And our promises that have said,

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How could one of you beat your wife? Like you beat an animal? Look, you don't beat a human being? How could one of you beat your wife? You beat a separate horse? You discovered cattle? How could one of you beat your wife like up to an animal perhaps the same evening, you will go and be intimate with her? In other words, he's saying be a gentleman be a human. How could you treat your woman like you would treat a stubborn traveler a stubborn, stubborn horse or something? How could one of you do this? And our issue says that will love you never once did the promise of a locker I think it was someone's hand ever touch a woman except if he was in the battle and you're defending yourself.

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That's a warrior woman, not any domestic abuse Never once did the process notice any of his wives, and we have in the messenger of the Prophet so so we have the perfect example, brothers in Islam. Anybody who beats his wife will lagi any man who beats his wife is not a man and the man who raises his hand against the world and beat her in this manner. Our Prophet system has explicitly said these are not the best Muslims, he himself said the best of you are those who treat their wives the best. And I am the one who treats my wife the best. That is the student that we have in the messenger of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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When I finally

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came home at this moment, was thoughtful about what he said.

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All

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I had

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to get it whatever you like. When I had, like two, brothers and sisters realize that our Prophet Mohammed was a lot more It was said that he himself went through some ups and downs with his own lives. And Koran was revealed about some of those arguments, we recite them to this day, sort of that name, and others are an example here as sort of

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even our processes that have had some disputes, some arguments here and there. Now, I wanted to ask you a simple question. Why? Why? Why would a watch with Hannah horchata allow our Prophet Mohammed to have some domestic arguments back and forth is just voice being raised? hustlers asking for this, this is in the household of the process of what if Allah had wanted to? Couldn't he have made a perfect marriage between the process of and his wife? Yes. So why did he make them a marriage that has his ups and downs? I will tell you why. Because if he had made such a perfect marriage, how could we benefit from the sooner the processes, the very fact that our issues and the process have

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had their ups and downs, it means that the constellation brothers and sisters, the perfect marriage is a marriage that has ups and downs. There is no such thing as a marriage that doesn't have problems, no such thing. Every couple is going to have an argument. Every couple is going to have a period where they need to calm down every couple. Even our processes are for one month, you have to leave this out and sleep in the masjid notice by the way, men, he's the one who left How dare any man expose his wife from the house? How dare any man kick his wife out, you have an argument, you go sleep on the sofa, you have an argument you go sleep in msgid not sure why she's the delicate, she's

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the she's the one we need to protect. No matter how bad it gets, you're the one that will leave not her, you leave her in her place of security. You never tell her to exit the house. Unless of course, in the exceptional scenarios where some major Evil has been done. Otherwise general disputes if it gets that bad, you're the one who sleeps on the sofa. Or you're the one who goes to the masjid like our offices are still in this. There is karma. There is dignity for the woman. She gets to stay, you can calm down and then you go back and resolve the issue. Brothers and sisters, every marriage has its ups and downs. But the point is the goal is there are more ups and downs. And one of the biggest

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problems we haven't given up two weeks ago, which is online now one of the biggest problems we have and with this I'll have to finish up because of the time. Our young brothers and sisters, those especially you have been born and raised here or immigrated when they were very young and they basically grew up in the Western culture. They have no idea what a real languages they have absorbed

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The concept of marriage from Bollywood dramas from from Hollywood movies from from Twilight and these types of ridiculous books. And they think that marriage is just what they see on TV. So when they get married, and they see that their married life is nothing like the romance movie that they saw, they began to think something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with my wife. So kinda like brothers and sisters, if you don't believe the TV about Islam, if you don't believe the TV about terrorism and Muslims, why would you believe TV about romance and marriage? every marriage has its ups and downs, every couple will raise their voices and argue in their lifetime, multiple times

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throughout the year, it is impossible that a healthy marriage doesn't have some healthy disagreement. But when that happens, there's a methodology. There's a way there's psychology, and this is beyond the scope of this book. But study research, I have given classes on the foot buzzer there, I have a long intensive class about the issue of Islamic intimacy enrollments, this needs to be taught and understood need to Don't feel shy to read and ask others about this. And realize brothers and sisters realize that the married couple they are on the same team. A lot of times, husbands and wives, they want to fight each other and each one wants to win. Brothers and sisters,

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if you win an argument by losing the marriage both of you lose. If you win an argument by losing the marriage, both of you are losers. You're on the same team. Together, the couple is on the same team. Each team has to compromise each member has to compromise once the husband compromises once the wife compromises. You don't have to win every single argument for the sake of the children for the sake of marriage. Both couples need to calm down. And our profit system has given the Forum has given so much advice. First and foremost, just a few points that we conclude number one, number one, brothers and sisters, you are not perfect. Why do you expect your spouse to be perfect? You are not perfect?

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You have your fault. You are your anger? You have your tongue, you have your harsh words, if you have it, why do you expect your spouse to be completely free of this, just like you get angry, she will also get angry just like you say something bad. Sometimes he will say something bad. So learn to forgive and forget, learn to overlook for the greater good of them average. also realize every one of you has false and every one of you has good things as well. Our Prophet system said Let no Muslim man hate his Muslim wife, meaning any there's both Islamic common between you let no man hate his wife. Because even if he hates one quality, he will love other qualities. Meaning Don't be so

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narrow minded. Suppose suppose she spends a little bit more than you want her to spend? Suppose, okay, maybe she does. But how about the love? She shows you? How about the care she has for the children? Everybody has their faults. So look at the positive rather than the negative also express your anger in a polite manner, express the frustration directly solving within the household and express Why are you irritated? Why is it and express it in a polite manner so that the other party understands. And if the situation gets beyond this, then Allah says in the Koran, go to arbitration, let the couples find two people, one that is sympathetic to the man side, one that is sympathetic to

00:33:23--> 00:33:45

the woman's side to elders in the community, to people that have more experience in this regard, and let each of them come and then resolve the problem of how to handle them in every moment. And then Allah says the foreign and listen to this brothers and sisters, any couple that is going through a problem and all couples go through problems. Listen to this promise in the form in unity that

00:33:47--> 00:33:47

you have.

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If they truly want a successful marriage, and they want reconciliation, a law will bring about that reconciliation. There is a guarantee in the for our brothers and sisters. There is a guarantee that when the couple wants to make the marriage work, guess what a law will make it work. Both parties need to come to the table with the new idea that this varies will work and a lot of promise it will work I conclude by reminding myself that all of you have the Hadith of the Prophet so that the best believers in their Yvonne are those who are the best in their manners. And the best of you in their manners are those who are the best to their wives. It's very easy to be polite in the message. It's

00:34:34--> 00:34:58

very easy to be polite in your work. It's very easy to be polite to society. The real politeness is the politeness of the household when the door is locked and nobody other than Allah subhana wa tada the best of you are those who are best in their manners and the best to do in their manners or the best to their wives May Allah subhana wa tada they just amongst them alone when he dies by the middle along the left

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