Thoughts on Marriage

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Waleed Basyouni

Channel: Waleed Basyouni

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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And all the way to the marriage and even the relationship after marriage, best practices even an Islamic speaks about this relationship between husband and wife continue until the day after that the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam told as a last part, Allah said in the Quran as well, that those who believe, and how can I beat him the reality Mama,

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that those who believe that Allah subhanaw taala will join them with their families in the Day of Judgment, and it will not decrease from the reward. So, in another word, Allah subhanaw taala have emphasis in the importance of the concept of marriage,

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and a common emphasis, as Roger de la medalla been a commodity, have created from among yourself from among yourselves, as spouses, that you might do well with them and tranquility and peace, and to live a life filled with what what Allah said, data being a commodity. This life should be based on love, and mercy, love and mercy. And another verse, Allah Subhana, Allah to Allah told us that one of his favorite upon prophets and messengers that he have, grant them, families who have encouraged them to get married and to have children's while

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as radziwill would agree, that's one of the signs of being a human being. And I lost my father when he went to distinguish between who is human and who is the creation and the Creator, the divine which is a law and the divine which is human being is not a divine. In the qualities he said that human beings need a spouse need apart needy children need a family versus God. That's why God have no wife, no children's have no family because He is the Creator. As for us as a human being, we need the partnership, something natural, something shows that we are in need of that's why we're not a Divine

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Will not divine because we need a partner, he or she

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Yeah, yohannes bakuman lady Hello.

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Adam alayhis salam, when Allah subhanaw taala created him he was lonely in the beginning then add them after that Allah created for him or from him and for him, his spouse, Eve, so they will be partner so you will not be alone. And it's so ironic how the relationship was defined in the pond referred to it as as watch like a spouse for him. And for her, this relationship was not just a boyfriend girlfriend kind of relationship, or just you know, just to enjoy her physically No, that's not for undescribed the relationship between Adam and Eve it's a spouse they were married to each others and a Lost Planet Allah married them to each other's Koran in encourage us to get married if

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we're not think it will not bother the community. And that's an order of prophets will allow you to send them once three in his time, three min King, and they say oh the process on the married the process on them sleep the process on them, he doesn't invest every day. So three of them, they decided one of them decided not to break his fast he will fast every single man is like another person said that will never marry in my life. I don't want to be busy with family with you know with anyone other than God, I'm gonna devoted my life to God, you know, became like a monk who who do nothing in his life, but just worshiping God, and He will not have a family. That's how he thought

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that it means to be righteous and pure. And the third one said, I will never sleep in the night I'll spend my whole life praying. So the prophet SAW some of them when he heard about these three. He said, That's not our religion based out of religion, there is no extreme in it. Even when it comes to the relationship between you and your Creator. It has to be a moderate of moderate something natural. Okay, so the prophets of Salaam said, Those don't belong to me. Those three they don't belong to my sin.

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It Felisa meaning those who stay away or those who goes

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against and oppose my way, or don't belong to me, don't belong to me. I fear that guy I fear a lot the most. I know him more than anyone else in the Villa shockula.

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I know more than anyone else, and I feel him more than anyone else. I respect him more than anyone else. We're in need of some water and

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Some days I will fast and someday I won't break my pass. I will eat like in a regular day, some days in the night, I'll sleep and I will pray in the night. And also he said, and I married, and I married. So those who leave my son don't belong to my nation don't belong to my nation.

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Abdullah

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Andrew Alba once, after his wife passed away, he married again. So they will ask him, you're an old man, what is your interested in married? He said, Well, I'm not interested in marriage. For the sexual meaning of it is I have no interest in that I'm too old for that. But the only reason I get married again, because I prefer to meet Allah as a married person, not a single

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one.

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Because in the salatu salam said when you get married, you complete half of your game, half of your deed, and in the be sallallahu Sallam special encourage young men. He said young man or young men and young woman minister.

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Those who are capable have the ability to get married, they should they should get married, because that will help them to protect their chastity and if they could not, they don't have the means to do so. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said they should fast you should fast and the studies reported by Buhari almost he said some of them in this life in this watery life. The most beloved thing to him the most beloved thing to him. This is what is on the line is his spouse and he was sending them a dunya Mata. Mata Mata sobre la Yemenia Cooney, sir, Roger Salalah Ronnie, you know, he was sending

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me for Salah, but the thing that tells heart will feel complete trust in it when he prayed to his Lord, so allow it you it was said, when I reveal this verse, and the DNA Kizuna dab on those who

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collect gold and silver and hide it and keep it at home. The province or some of them said, Do you know what is better than having gold and silver at your home? They said what he said it's better than having a tome a golden silver is to have a righteous spouse, a righteous good spouse, my accuser mcminn xojo meaner to a man, the best thing that you can ever have, that ever can get you back can protect a righteous spouse, someone who will help you to be better. And maybe Salalah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that those who seek marriage, Allah have promised to how and to aid them. Because such a valuable thing. This is

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a very important concept. And unfortunately, so many statistics today, in the United States here in America, we seeing a decline of the number of marriages decline in the number of marriages, if you compare the number of marriages that we have. Now, it picked up a little bit I was looking into the numbers had picked up in the 80s and early 90s. But it started declining again, the percentage of people who are getting married or getting married.

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And that's not a good sign. And worse than that, worse than that is the rate of divorce is picking up is getting up high. It's estimated and by the way, all of us here in America, we share that it is no different between one community and other Muslim community or non Muslim community. Everybody shared the same challenge, which is the rate of divorces going very apart. It's estimated it's over 30% of marriages end in divorce. And I can tell you, as a mom, this mustard, we do have a high rate of divorce. And it's interesting to know that the rate of divorce is picking up not only among young men and one young woman, it is also among older men and older woman and it's picking up

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and unfortunately,

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it is something that a challenge that we need to face and to deal with. Because a society that is have a shaking, a shaken foundation cannot go grow strong cannot grow strong. You know, this man was traveling in the airplane, and he had his wedding ring and his

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basically the wrong finger. So the person next I've noticed that and he told him I'm just wondering, why do you have your wedding ring and the wrong finger? He said, because I'm married to the wrong one.

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I mean, it is

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so bad. It is so bad that it is this this, um, can you say maybe it's a joke, but you can say this is the wrong husband as well. But the point here, the point here is what you don't want to know, what do you want to have, you know, I'm not against divorce as a solution. Islam give this as a solution when there is no way to reconsolidate between husband and wife. It's a solution. But it's the last option, it should be

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rushed not to be the first thing. Today, young couples who comes here for the first challenge, they willing to break the relationship and to turn back to each other, but also completely against, completely against being together in marriage, and it's not working out, it's not working out. You know, that's, that's a recipe for disaster, there is nothing to force you to be in such relationship. So here, what I would like to cite today, especially summer is coming. And I know a lot of people get married to some in our community. And we have a good number of young men and one woman in our community getting married. But it is so important to know how to find the right one.

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You know, I'm not going to be talking today to you about how to find the right person. Because where it is very different from one culture one person to another. No, your hunting grounds is so different and vary from one house to another. But you know what, that's not really my point. My point is what I would like to emphasis on today is how to find the writer. How can you look for the person and how can you know that this is the right person for me or not? Because choosing the right spouse is very important. That's what insha Allah subhanaw taala isn't allowed by the will of Allah will guarantee for you a good future a good future, in your in your marital relationship.

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Once a man, a father came with his daughter, to the Prophet Mohammed Salim and I want you to imagine, this is 1000, more than 1400 years ago, in Arabia, in a very tribal society. were usually at that time before the time of the Prophet Muhammad SAW some woman they don't have much to say not an Arabian anywhere in the world. But Islam have changed that culture of change that culture, that women have rights and you know, what has to be protected? So this father came with his younger to the prophets of Allah. And he said, Yasser Allah, my daughter is she is giving me a hard time. So the Prophet Mohammed Salim said to his daughter, looked at her and look at the father kind of

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asking, what's the problem? Then the father said, I have brought for her so many proposals,

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a cup of tea, a father, a father, a college, I brought her the best men. And everyone proposed her she kept saying no, no, no to the

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then the Prophet sallallahu Sallam told her, why are you giving your father a hard time? What is it? Then she said, Yeah, sort of luck. I don't want to marry anyone unless I know exactly what I'm going to be what kind of person I'm going to be married to or what, what is my rights are and what is his rights are, and so forth. So as you start explaining x person, she's younger, she's saying you're not going to get married to someone, basically. And then explain to her what's the right of the husband, upon his wife and what's the right of the wife upon her husband. Then after that the person looked at the father, he said, he said, Don't ever marry her without her permission. Don't ever

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marry her without her permission. That's why when she came to the salon, she got us a law my older brother have married me have married me to this man without my permission, that promises or nullify the marriage contract and he separated them from each other. And he told her it is up to you if you want to continue this marriage or not, but are not he basically broke the marriage contract. If you want to marry him just marry him in a new contract with your permission. The Prophet Mohammed says I'm also told us that people seek different qualities in the spouse that they're looking for. Even though they need to speak about men but apply to men and woman which is people look at the beauty of

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the of the girl or how handsome demand is.

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And guys, you know what, you have to know that you're not the only one looking for beauty here. They are looking for handsome as well. So many men like and families, they talk about like very high standard beauties. And you know what, you need to know that they are looking for the same quality as well. So make sure that you have what it takes to be called a very handsome man. If you're looking for a very

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Beautiful anyway so here people look for beauty looking for wealth, looking for social status, looking for

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family How has that been one area so people looking for things like this today people looking for. As I said education people look for different reason the past solemn, john Romita Melissa de give example of what's commonly at that time. Then he said, and people look for righteousness, righteousness. And he said, so ever for me that it didn't

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make sure that you marry the one who is righteous marry the person who is righteous. Why because righteous person as an Hassan, the grandson of the process of the month set, Connor in

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a hamper a comma will encourage a

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righteous person, the person who fear God will never ever abuse your daughter will never abuse your sister would never abuse his wife. If he doesn't like her, they will separate and peace, he will never be nasty divorce cases as we hear sometimes. And if he likes her, she will be inside his art on the top of his head. that's a that's a righteous person and also the boss of themselves.

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man, woman Tawana, Dina who has a widow, those who you like their character and their religion, their

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piety, marry them to you marry them. So here are the pros are some of them even character as part of the religion, part of your identity identity as a Muslim it to have a good character, but the emphasis on it and mention it by itself, because character is bigger than just being religious, are uncomfortable am going to tell you I've seen a lot of religious people, unfortunately, are very bad husbands. Not because you're, as we say, Man of God, that means you're a good character, not necessarily. Not necessarily. It shouldn't be. But that's that we are human beings. We're not looking for perfect, meek religious people not supposed to be perfect, infallible, we are all human

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being make mistakes, but to what is important to look for a good match and this is basically my first and most important point to

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to keep in mind look for a good match. Look for someone, especially in the character, you know, I had a couple came to me once and the interested they have a problem with each other. So I was talking to the guy, he is from a certain region and Eastern Europe is European in very active very strong the way he talks, he speaks very fast. Okay, in get angry quickly when talking like, three, four times, just in one side. And in the other end, his wife, man, she is so call, she's so slow. She barely speak three letters in one minute, not a three word, three letter like, I'm serious. It takes her a long time to talk. I myself get a little bit irritated because like, you know, but

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that's her nature. So when you find two completely opposite of each other, in the way they talk the way can be how you think they're going to communicate with each other. And they're both divorced. You know, they said opposites attract. I don't believe in that at all. When it comes to character, it could work and I find it working in physical appearance. You know, a lot of people martial law his skinny like bigger, big spires, he's tall, like short. This is common, you know, black, like white white like me, and physical appearance. But character. That's absolutely not true. As a matter of fact, number one reason for successful marriage is a good matching in character. And in not only

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character in every area, even religious, I will never recommend you. If you are very high religious person or very nice person to marry someone who isn't religiosity, not that strong. Or someone who she is he or she said Oh, he's gonna change me or gonna, I'm gonna change her. If the, if the difference is so huge between them. That's a recipe for failure in my experience, and of seeing them as well as education, age, you know, interest, the more that is matching in every area of your life, the more that there is a possibilities or the more chance that your marriage will be successful.

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Number two, don't ever cheat. Don't ever lie. Don't ever hide something, especially when you're looking for someone

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that's that's a recipe for disaster. Then ever hide your financial sector.

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status or situation, you know, I get married and after they get married, by the way about $50,000 that are great. It starts your marriage with just like in the don't everything about your site don't don't claim something you're not don't claim that you have a job or worse than that people even achieved the claim that they have a citizenship and after that's it. Oh, I'm done. I wasn't sure of I just hopefully I was thinking about in the future as we talked when we I will be a citizen through you. Why didn't you tell me that before medic maybe that's what don't ever hide anything, especially health issues. Okay. People for example, feel shy maybe they have a mental health issues, you know,

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you have to disclose this you have to mention, that's why I love it in our in a slump. And this is a by the way, it's a very unique thing.

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As a jurist when I studied Islam, I define and this is modern world today, defined religion the same way we define it 1400 years ago, we define marriage as a contract.

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We define marriage as a contract, because anything applied to contract should apply to manage contract, it has to be disclosed, you have to be honest, you have to be put everything in front of the other part. Also,

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one other thing is about telling about it one thing that I think it's worth mentioning the past, a lot of people when they look for marriage, what about the past, the past is the the past, unless something can affect you in the future.

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And they told you there was things in the past who will never go away. Like for example, you've been convicted, or you have been listed in certain last or with government agencies or things or things in the past maybe drugs or things like this, you have to disclose even if you repent Allah subhanaw taala from but any personal sense, gone, and it's not going to come up in the future, there is no need for exposing your sin in front of the other person, the other person. Also one of the things that I want to say that in Islam, we don't have relationships out of marriage. And I mean, they're all this boyfriend, girlfriend dating, that's not allowed them to stop. But it doesn't mean also

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that you know what, I just don't know the person at all. I've just married someone I have never seen or heard of. No, there's no, we don't agree on that as well. We say that there is a guidelines, Allah subhanaw taala said,

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You're not allowed to meet in secret, and private, you know, you're not allowed to speak with language, which is not proper. When you talk to each others when you talk to each other. It should not be hello world, there is no supervision or there is no a third party or an isolated places that will not be allowed not be allowed.

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Also, one thing that is very important for those who seeking and looking for a spouse for themselves or helping their children.

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A lot of people focus on one quality, and they forget about the rest. Human beings don't only discuss one quality, and I look only for one thing I want him, for example, some people pretty this guy came to me last week it was traveling, and he told me chef isn't allowed for me to look for a wife. I said, I mean you do need to ask us Yes. He said no, no, no. I mean, I go to the master they go to those places where you know, Starbucks wherever that people go and I look for why. And I just asked myself how would you look for a wife like that? So just a like her like girl go propose to her.

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I said that's so all what he cares about how she looks like that's not how you find maybe it's empty. It's important to make sure that physically you're attracted to the person. That's why the in Islam in Islam, it is not allowed for you to say you're not allowed to see my daughter or put a job in front of you. And if you come to propose to my daughter, no. In Islam you have you should see the the the pride before engagement before marriage see you and he she seen so they will feel comfortable with each other. They talk to one another. But what I'm trying to say to focus on one quality, I want someone who has higher education. That's it. Now, people are more than just one

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quality, one quality. I also would like to cite that a lot of people fail or be deceived by what I call love from the first sight. Love from the first sight is not always right. Keep that in mind. Love from the first does not always right it might happen. That chemistry that's fine, but it's can be very deceiving, very deceiving.

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One more point I would like to end with the first hotma is

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there is a concept a lot of young men and a lot of young woman cite here

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She is the only one. She gets to know a little bit the person, he makes good to her a little bit. And she became the only one. And he became the only one. Sometimes people like myself have children or parents. I see some of them smiling. You know what we think that this is silly, you know, but you know what? The young people they don't see it that way. They really feel that way. That even though logically they know that this is not the only one.

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But emotionally, that's how you feel. And usually this has happened because of how long things been done through the process. And I want to say there is no such thing as called the only one I know how attached you could be to someone. But the only one I believe, happened after marriage.

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When you marry someone, this is the only one of my life. But before marriage, just get to know the person, there is no such thing go, he can be bad, he can be good, he can be replaced. Because marriage is just bigger than the initial emotions that we feel men it is bigger than just the feeling that we might have toward each other managers have responsibilities. That's why when a woman came to the party or something said, Yes, Allah, what do you think of so and so as the husband for me, when the process of them said, Look, Nah, man, Allah, he's a loser of no man. You're gonna open house, you know, how are you gonna spend it, how he can take care of your family or you make me so

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that is other things has to be looked at when it comes to that merger relationship. Now, I know Yakumo Philippine economy

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was Salatu was Salam RML and Aviva that, my brother and sisters. It is also sad that a lot of people that comes to marriage are very materialistic, very materialistic. You know, there's family, the only I asked a father to marry his daughter to one of my students once. So I talked to the Father. And the father said, Yeah, but he's not a doctor.

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I said, so. He said, I said, He's an earning person, man, he's, you know,

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it's okay. He's a geek, but you know, he's a good man, with all my respect to my IT guys here. So I said, He's still a good match. And now I have five daughters, all of the medical doctors and she's the six.

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I said, Okay, what are you planning to open the hospital? Is not isn't.

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You know, to me, only doctors said I want to secure her financial future is also ridiculous.

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They are poor. But see the prophets Islam didn't say he is poor. He said he's a loser. He's a person who doesn't have a job, who doesn't keep a job, there is a difference between someone who's not maybe rich, but he's hardworking person. You know what, I will never mind that person. hardworking person earner person, but someone is a loser. Even if he's a rich, I will never recommend that person like that. A person who's mediocre in his life. So that's, that's what also one of the things that is very important for you to keep in mind is that, that I said earlier, the righteousness, the deed, in so many times we forget about the importance of a person that fears a loss, a person who

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will help you to be a blast by a lot more than a person who will continue this journey with you to even after this life after this life in the fall without a Dean terabit your doc also on Islam is not allowed to propose to someone who's already been proposed to a male or a female, a girl cannot go give a hand to a family,

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like your daughter or your son or something like that. Why does she know that this boy or this young man already proposed or thinking about something somebody else? Same thing if you know one brother proposed to a girl, you know a lot to go to propose over his proposal. And remember, I said this is apply to everyone even even in Noah hemella, for example. So even if, let's say he said there is no difference between his a righteous or his fast he's a Muslim or cat.

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Let's say you propose to you proposing to a girl who is not a Muslim Christian girl, for example. And you know, someone proposed to her you're not allowed to propose over his proposal. Why? Because this creates animosity in the society, supposed to be big one family. If they love each other and grow with each other. There is no need for me to confuse them. Finally, in Islam, we have something called selective istikhara you praise the heart and also you you make us to shower you consult you ask. I'm saddened when I feel sad actually.

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feel sad when I hear about uni. Things doesn't go good. And if there is a little bit of consultation before the marriage happened, a lot of problem would have been avoided. Because we don't consult, that's one of the most important steps to do. Consult, ask, ask about why you think Islam said, the girl has to have a wedding has to have a father has to have some. Because he traveled, he goes, and he investigate. And he asked, not because he controls her name because he has a responsibility to go to ask about the guy to investigate about the guy. That's the role to ask and consult. Finally, it prays to how to ask a lot make a lot of prayer and that Allah guide you. But don't ever think that

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stara is, Hey, I press too hard. I feel good about it. That's why I married her. No.

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That's not enough. You should look and study and analyze and see the good match and the stocks that are out that Allah bless your choice. But Allah will never choose for you. You choose for yourself on YouTube because you bear the responsibility for your choice, and the end of the day, more or less our data to give all of us to happy marriages. Now let's connect Allah to protect our family, children's and granddam happy marriage. May Allah Subhana Allah Allah to bless you all forgive all our sins, alarming and sakurako and afia.

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