Porn Addiction – & Ibraheem Menk

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Wael Ibrahim

Channel: Wael Ibrahim

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Allah He just said to you for accepting and granting us this opportunity, you know to sit down and discuss with you it's something that I think there will be a lot of benefit from.

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I mean, I mean there's like a lot here. How's Ramadan in Zimbabwe and how's everyone?

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Well I hear things okay Alhamdulillah we moving along. Ramadan is quite easy here. It's in the winter it's very short fast Alhamdulillah so it's quite easy how's Ramadan your site

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is also short here we have Federer around 530 in the morning breaking the fast around the same time like 530 mother time. So it's quite easy especially for me so I'm on hard medication so I sleep a lot. So a lot easier.

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A lot less meat. I mean

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the idea of today's live session is to give the people

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a brief you know, a background on Poupon addiction like your background what Where do you come from what have you studied and how have you come to the points that you have in your life? So if we can start with that in Sharma First of all, and then we can move on to the rest of the points.

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Okay, so Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah salam wa sallam setia who were there there were two things that bothered me a lot in the past that affected me negatively in great ways. It affected on my studies affected on my level of you know, mental clarity. There was no mental clarity, no focus, loss of memory, almost loss of memory, like you can't memorize things. Even up until now. Pamela shares I was talking to one of my elders in the community here here who's martial arts specialized in an in memorizing, teaching people. And so I was thinking like, you know, I do my very best to memorize the Quran. But I keep forgetting. And the reason is that I had too much love

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for music too much love for these love songs and, and 1000s of lyrics I used to memorize back in the days. So Pamela so music had impacted me so badly up until now I can feel the consequences of what I had done in the past up until today. And secondly, pornography. So back in the days, we were involved in both things, all those who Pamela Schaffner in the 90s, or in my generation pornography existed on either VHS tapes, or magazines. And in order for us to have access to these materials, it was very, very difficult. And when we have hold of them,

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even it's harder to watch them because you know, your parents are around you need VHS players in the living room. And it was very difficult yet those images that we we were able to sneak in and have a look at them also disturbed us in so many ways Panama and Allah subhanaw taala and handler opened my doors and I started doing things differently started, you know, praying started getting closer to Allah subhana wa tada

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these are the two things that I wanted to tell the people to be careful of. And so Pamela was holding back, and I was afraid to come You know, in public to talk about them because especially pornography because it's considered to be something very shameful, something like a taboo that we shouldn't discuss in public. Until so Pamela I met her she had surgery

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sometimes ago, and he said like spa life if you wanted to, to change people's life, speak about personal stories and how these things have impacted us so that inshallah people will will will avoid those problems in the future. Only then I started talking about it. And the moment I spoke about

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1000s of emails and 1000s of messages, messages from all over the world online, kept pouring, people asking for help. Until one day a person and

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if you read my book change, you see that I have actually dedicated part on the second book, beated 50 plus shades of hope. I dedicated that book to that boy, he was 18 years old boy who wanted to kill himself literally wanted to suicide because of his addiction to pornography. I said that's it, I have to come out and talk about it to everyone.

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So this is basically why I got involved into this study in

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Lahore, just to make it clear to the viewers, you know you this is not part of exposing oneself but rather trying to help the people through personal experiences. So you know, sometimes people might think that Oh, Schiff is talking about his past etc. You shouldn't

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This is to help people. So your experiences that you've been through will have helped so many people and will help people in the future inshallah. So I think that some of you shouldn't just, yes. Does that okay, this is one of the most common question that I get whenever I talk about pornography and whenever I encourage people to seek out help, they say they will also be exposing our secrets. There is a difference between exposing your secrets and, and brag about it, and reaching out for help from experts. I remember for example, the Jafar Vitaly about a long, long, long he was sent to have a senior and the king the Joshua king asked him, What did you prophet teach you? Then he started

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listing down all the sense that we used to make in the past, they say, corneria, we were people who used to worship idols, he was not bragging out these acts, rather, he was just bringing to people's attention that because of the prophet SAW Selim, all those sins, all these problems were eliminated. Similarly, when I'm, when I'm talking about my past, and the things that I suffered from, I'm actually reaching out those people who have the same problems on TV today, and they are suffering in silence, and they think that they are hypocrites, because of their, you know, these jewel person because pornography actually leads people to feel about themselves, you know,

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very, very bad. And we think like, how could I pray and watch porn at the same time? It's, it doesn't work, you know. So as a result, shameful, and this is some of the latest

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incidents or latest cases that I came across is that pornography leads to atheism. This is this is something that I started talking about in in recent days. Why shield because those good hearted people who have been hooked on porn, the always whenever the they get the access to pornography, and then self pleasuring, they feel so bad about themselves, then they repent. We go and take a bath and the worship along the praise Allah, Allah, please let me you know, get rid of this. Now after a few days, they relapse again. And then at the end, they say, you know what, Allah is not listening to me, Allah is not changing me, Allah is not there anymore. Then abandon many people abandon the faith

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because they see that Allah is not responding to them. Because they are reaching, or they are trying to see the solution through spiritual means on the don't they don't try to find solutions from experts who can actually facilitate the way for them to break free from porn addiction. So yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, so Pendolino shift, I was just going to get to that, that is guilt that we feel that is good. It leads us to tell by it leads us to repentance and self reformation. And then this guilt that you feel that actually makes you despondent, and hopeless, you know, you feel like I have no hope any longer. So can we touch a bit on that I know in your book, change that you've written. It's an amazing book, by the way, those ones who you know, purchases can find yours and two parallel written other books out there as well. Perhaps we shall go

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into the comment section as well. But going back to our going back to our point, which was guilt, what type of guilt is good? And what is bad? And can we talk about this a lot more, can we expand on it?

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So we don't call the second time of guilt as guilt. So the second time you just described is actually shame, where the person feels that he is the problem, that he doesn't deserve respect, that he doesn't deserve to be forgiven, that he doesn't reserve deserve any goodness, he relayed the problem to himself as a person and this is wrong. This is the type of shame that we wanted to actually save people from, but guilt on its own, to feel bad about the problem itself is something good, that's why

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in the story of Adam alayhis salam, and

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when they realize that they have sinned against Allah subhanaw taala they see a banner of alumni and fuson v regretted they felt guilty and guilt usually leads to repentance. So we feel guilty about what you have done. And that conscience within you, lead you always repeatedly to repent and I always encourage those people are watching, whether you are addicted, whether you you know somebody who's addicted, whether you fear that your children may fall into this addiction. Remember to always encourage them to repent no matter how many times they relapse and go back to pornography repenting. Go or go to Allah repeatedly. But don't feel bad about yourself that you are perverted person. All I

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all the people

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One that I've dealt with brother, shift, shift Ibrahim, all of them are really good hearted people, not a single person is hurting anyone, or his intention is to hurt anyone, no husband wanted to hurt his wife by, by, by by his behavior, but they are hooked up on something very compelling. So while we wanted to ensure our chief from that question, Schaeffler is that shame is something that is very abhorred and can lead to so many mental sicknesses. But guilt is something good is something healthy, if it leads you to repentance and prayers and, and seeking forgiveness from lost contact.

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So kind of layer i think that's that's also important because discussing this topic, I think, because of the guilt and the shame, or the shame that's attached to this, there's a stigma attached to coming out and seeking help. So if you came out to your parents, for example, you don't know what's going to happen with that conversation. Or if you go to the the wrong people, you might get a very bad response, you're coming with a problem that you have, and then you get a very, very bad response in, in return. So there's this stigma that's attached to it. Especially when you go to a chef or mowlana, who doesn't really know or have much of a background in porn addiction, he'll

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immediately tell you, you know, how can you do this, you know, seek forgiveness of Allah subhana wa Taala you guilt trip you. Yet this person knows already that what they're going through what they're doing is wrong. So perhaps we can talk more about that.

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That's why shifting our light handler aware Academy that we have established some times ago, we have designed workshops to different segments of the society, we have developed workshops for humans until now [???]less, just to give you an idea of how difficult it is to reach out to our community to speak on the topic. Until now we did not deliver a single word workshop for humans.

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So how do

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we reach into messages reaching to trustees reaching to people? Let's sit down and inshallah we'll share with you what I have discovered, I wanted to share I I do not claim to be a scholar in Islam. I'm only I am only a person who try to share what my scholars what my teachers have told me. But I have specialized in that area. Somehow, in the past 1213 years I've been reading, I think I've read I read every single day, something about pornography addiction. So I just want to share the discoveries and, and the misery that the people are going through with imams because you are the people who will send the pulpit to educate the community. So you need to know I respect one of the

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shifts, one of my friend difference here in in Australia of the Parker, he, he got my book, and he actually started a series of hotbars on porn addiction in here in Perth, and I was like moved to tears because hamdulillah I can see that some people are taking it seriously. So I wish and I pray that our inner arms or machinery, or scholars will not only focus on spiritual, Islamic or ethnic studies or heavy sciences, but go beyond that. Like I'll give you an example. She had COVID-19 and the Coronavirus that we have. Now we were going through there are courses that all demands and every one are going through now by commands of the government in order to reopen places of worship, to

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reopen places, you know, the restaurants and whatnot, we have to go through these courses otherwise no messages nothing. Should we also give ourselves sometimes to study these sciences because we have so many people are suffering from from these issues. So hamdullah we have a lot of workshops to cover

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those areas. So hopefully inshallah people will start taking it seriously in their lifetime, especially parents.

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Yes, we're lucky, you know, there's so much of a stigma attached to it that I was giving a talk on marriage recently in the UK, and I spoke about porn addiction and how couples sometimes watch porn together. And

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how alive is a lot that I learned from you, you know, on this topic from your books from our discussions that we've had. And you know, after the talk is a lady that comes up to me and says, you know, how can you talk about this topic and half your talk was on it, etc. And I said, Hey, hold on. It's a serious problem in society. So I'm addressing it and she felt no you know, I shouldn't have spoken so much about that etc. And I think insha Allah I hope that that's opened up but it's

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it's getting there in that

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the latest, the latest review by one of the two

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pornographic website. top one, of course, we don't mention its name. The bureau released a review every year about how many people we boast or

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how many people have visited the website. And in their latest statistics in 2019, they said, we boast about 42 billion visits had occurred on the website in a single year. That's one website.

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websites,

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equivalent to 115 million visits per day. It is the population of Canada, Poland, and Australia combined, one day, so we will be fooling ourselves to think that Muslims are immune, or are having no issues around this. I received 1000s of emails, as I mentioned earlier, all from a small majority of the Indians they see from Muslims. Now handler, we have trained people from New Zealand, from Australia, from Philippines from Hong Kong, and every trainer within the aware Academy as soon as as soon as they speak about it,

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they will receive emails and messages, they wanted somebody to help them. So we have to speak about another way, in my opinion, we should normalize the conversation around this issue, we should normalize the conversation because porn itself has been normalized.

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On TVs, now all nudity and everything is on our fingertips. So it is normal to see people naked now, in my opinion, Muslim scholars dies, and anyone who's given the gift of delivery, should normalize the conversation around that topic, you should attend those workshops to learn also how to language, you know, and express yourself when you talk to children, young ones, and so on so forth. And all this within the workshops that we have designed that handle at the weight Academy

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is for law II and you've contributed a lot to that may Allah subhanho wa Taala grant you goodness for all the work that you've done online. So it's, it's something that people are hesitant to go into, especially with regards to the nature of the content, etc, it becomes difficult for them to speak about so May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant you goodness for opening up this door and may be a means of your entry into gentlemen,

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along

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in your book, you mentioned triggers, and how this is something that you can learn to identify and avoid. So, you know, perhaps we can talk more about this and shed some light on how these triggers you can avoid them, etc. What is a trigger for different people?

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What can end up being a trigger, you know, this can end up being something very

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insignificant to a normal person, let's not say a normal person, but a person who doesn't engage in porn, someone who might see a picture of a person of the opposite gender, you know, that can be a trigger, so Can Can you shed more light on that she's gonna continue, I just need to attend to something and the viewers can watch, I'll be back in in a minute.

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Please, please. So triggers are actually part of that habit cycle. Any habit that we we form for ourselves begins with a cue or something that will remind you of that action. So

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it's not no difference when it comes to pornography addiction, the cycle of addiction to pornography. So, trigger could be just seeing or looking at your laptop, that could be an addiction, especially if it is located in a private area in your bedroom. or otherwise, going to a particular supermarket, where there are pictures of you know, advertisements here and there. So, triggers is part of the habit cycle that we form for ourselves. So unless the person identifies what are the triggers that always lead him or lead her to to that activity, then you will never be able to break free from that cycle. You have to identify the triggers and you have to be extremely honest with

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yourself. If you really, if you're really serious about the cure, because many people they are after you know, those curing pills, you know, they want quick fixes Give me something quickly so I can it's not gonna it's not gonna happen. Our brain Once identified a habit if that habit produced those reward hormones in our brain like dopamine and, and activate that reward circuitry in our brain. It reward it becomes hardwired as very, very difficult to rewire. It will take effort and energy so I ever said to the people who come to me for help. Okay, inshallah, we're gonna take three days course Crash Course and you are going to be okay. No, it will take really long time I tell the people give

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yourself eight months to a year.

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Before I tell you Congratulation, you are free from pornography. So unless you identify the triggers, you will never be able to quit them, once you identify them now break that cycle by changing your environment. So if your trigger is a laptop in a private room, put it somewhere else and never take your laptop anymore to your private room, if it is a cell phone, never take it to your bedroom, and so on. So break the cycle of those triggers by changing them, once you change the environment, you create tremendous change in your life.

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You know, Chef, we spoke about dopamine. And dopamine is something that is also triggered or increased in the brain through drugs, right. And this is what causes the person to come back and seek more and more. So is this something that porn actually releases in the in the brain?

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In the latest studies in, in Cambridge University, as well as a study that I have actually attended by myself, and I've seen the people who have carried out that study in Indonesia, they have actually said that the the impact of pornography on the brain is no different than the impact of cocaine and heroin on the brain. The same changes that take place in the brain, when you're watching porn are the same exact changes and alteration that take place when somebody is addicted to cocaine and heroin. The reaction, though, to the reaction of your buddy, differ, so you may never identify, you will never be able to identify an addict walking down a porn addict walking down the street, he can

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be on him and he can be memorizing the whole core and it can be an audio hijack, you will never be able to detect them. However, you may detect a drug hard drug addict, you can you can see the changes the physical changes that happen you will get black eyes, shivering, you know, diarrhea and stealing money and so on, you can immediately spot and that's why the scholars of the few they say porn addictions, porn addiction is much more dangerous than cocaine addiction. That's why they call it today the visual addiction of our time.

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So, so yeah, so dopamine is produced even when we eat some food that we like dopamine is produced, even when we have sexual intimacy with our spouses, also dopamine is, is produced, but it is produced in a very well calculated quantity. However, when you try to seek reward, or seek pleasure, sexual pleasure from other means that the brain doesn't recognize like behind screens, then the dopamine quantity is produced in a massive, massive quantity that can disrupt the brain and as a result, the addiction take place. So kind of low what what are the worst cases that you've seen where a person is now taking it to the next level to the following level and the following level?

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Until they you know, what are some of the worst cases that you may have seen? Well, my brother, there are very, very sad cases that I've dealt with. But the first case that got me started, as I mentioned, he wanted to kill him. So like, what is worse than that? What is worse than that? people leaving Islam or leaving the religion because of pornography. What is worse than that than that?

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The wife, the other day will lie. He called me and she said that my husband handcuffed me

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and took me into his boot. You know, he put me in the boot of his car, and he drove me away. And he raped me in the middle of nowhere. And then he cried all the way back because he said that he was under the influence of his addiction, because that's what he these are the type of pornography that he used to watch because pornography share is not like, you know, the days when when that young boy came to me and he said that he wanted to kill himself. Because of pornography. What came to my mind are those magazine and those VHS tapes that I used to watch. But that's not what the this is no way compared to, to the pornography available today on the internet, the internet, pornography that's

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available. 88% a study was done recently in 2007. If I'm not mistaken, someone went out of his way a professor in university, she and her team, they went out of the way and they purchased the most popular porn films in the market. And we went through every scene and the fall, we found that 88% of the scenes are full of aggression and degradation against woman, spitting, slapping, choking, beating wood,

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and, and who are the people who access these materials, our children. Our children access these materials, one in 10 check that one in 10 porn users is under the age of 10

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or

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You can imagine, so our children when when they get access to these things, they think that this is the normal sexual intimacy so that when they get married, they do the same with their wives. So the cases are plenty of

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what I don't want to say this other case, because disgusting things that you hear how could Muslims behave in this way? That's why sometimes Oh, my I cry, I don't know what to do, what else we can do to help those people are suffering behind closed doors?

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Yes, well, I think there's this misconception as well, that you've addressed very well, in your book where people believe that they can learn about sex in marriage, they can learn about it through porn. And, you know, this is something that definitely this is.

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This is happening on a regular basis, like this is very common. And unfortunately, I'm sad to say that it is very, very common in many homes. I get phone calls, either from a husband, he says that I want to kill myself. Why? Because I introduce pornography to my wife, or a wife will call will call me say, Shannon, is it helpful to watch pornography with my husband, my husband is telling me it's okay to watch it with him because we are held for each other, all these things are on regular basis shape. So, and we think that it will enhance the sexual ability. On the other hand,

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on the contrary, men will end up having no sex whatsoever, because pornography.

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As we said, Oh, as we have established already, it's an addiction, any addiction escalates, no addiction remain at one level, they will come to a point that they will use interest in sexual intimacy with the with the hand and wife that a lot provided

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alone, say, you design the harm, Okay, I'm gonna take the hell out from you. And they will suffer from what is known now as porn induced erectile dysfunction. What is worse than that?

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Really, man who the husband is no longer functioning sexually. So what else you gonna do? You know, it's really breaking home.

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It's and I think part of the problem is that it's so accessible, like you were saying it was, it was hard back in the day, you know, you had to put a videotape into the VCR and watch it on the TV, etc. Today, it's in your handheld device, you can carry it into the bathroom, you can keep it in the bedroom, it's very easy for you to access porn. And I think that's part of the problem. I agree. I agree. But also there is a solution. That's why I need the people to reach out those who are really, in difficulty of that with addiction reach out to us, because there are solutions. What are you ready to take that hard, hard road? Because it's difficult, it's not going to be easy. So back in

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the days, it was difficult to insert a VHS tape tape into a VHS player. But today, there are a lot of software's that can block you away from reaching pornography. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to invest on that? I myself in my house, I have that brilliant model that can give a

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separate network.

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Wi Fi network, and I give that model to my daughter to my son, because they have devices, I cannot prevent them because they have friends outside who can also share with them

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off, but I'm educating them, I'm telling them, Look, there are a lot of things that are harmful on the internet. And I don't want you to have access to them. And because of that, not because I distrust you, I love you. I trust you. But I don't trust the world outside. So I put that model, it's produced by a company called family zone. And once you have the modem in your home, no way you can ever reach or access pornography. While while you're on that network, there is an application that can block you from reaching What are you willing, that's the point. And many people say oh, but it blocked. Google. Like I don't know that actually. But I cannot access Google don't access it.

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Yeah.

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You are addicted you are you you are about to divorce your wife and you're complaining that he can't access Google?

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Well, so you see, all there are people who are very serious. I know a friend of mine who gave me cell phone for one and a half years. You could not use cell phone whatsoever. I say that's the shaitan that always bring me back and I tried everything. I can't take my phone. Are you? Are you sure? Yes, take my phone. I'm not gonna use internet for one and a half years. And now hamdulillah he got married. You have children. And he's part of our team to their hunger in our in our academy. So there are those who can who can who would sacrifice to break free from that misery because while I share the

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The mental clarity and the focus and the productivity that you can achieve as a result of quitting pornography is just priceless.

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Marvel and Korea. Wow, that's so true. I didn't even know that they are programs out there and you know, devices that you can use to,

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you know, prevent porn access or access to porn online. I love something that you mentioned there that you talk to your children about this? Is it something that we should all be talking to our children about? Well, I share.

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This is my advice to all parents and every workshop and every lecture I talked to. I said it's time to talk about pornography to our children, it's time to warn them. Look, Allah says in the Quran International, an actor will not condemn a thorough, international neck to woman condom. wa salam wakulla Shane Dawson elfie imagine moving a lot of panel data is writing down our own actions, but what you also influence with and we are the direct influencers of our children, we will influence them whether negatively or positively. And in my opinion, allowing question us allowing us on the day of judgement about not addressing this issue to our children because I am 100% sure that

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pornography exists in every home 100% sure, no question. In Lama Rama, Robbie, except those who are protected, left or right, up and down. But the majority of mankind having this issue, and experts of the field also, her name is Kristen Johnson, she wrote two books under the same title called Bad good pictures, bad pictures. One book is for seniors to senior children, one for junior children, teaching parents how to address the topic in a language that those children can understand best, she said, a time has come where the question whether my child will watch porn or not, does not exist anymore. The question should be rather, when it's just a matter of time before your child have, you

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know, come across pornography. So Isn't it time, and she's arguing that we should talk about it to children as young as six and seven years old. Because if one in 10, if one in 10, porn users under the age of 10 minutes, make it make great sense to talk to them at a younger age to prepare them before they reach to that age. So I I really advise every parent to sit with with their children to open that door of communication to build that bridge of trust. So that when something happens, you will be the first one to your children will reach you. You should be your your children, sex, sex authority. Anything that you wanted to know about that field, you should be the educator, not

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pornography.

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So is this something you understand God, this is something when I got married the night before my marriage, because you know, I had an ex wife before in Egypt. So before that wedding, I went to my father, and my father is of those people who are you know, those tough parents of the old generation, you know, and I, I told him that my wedding is tomorrow. And I have no clue how to interact with my wife, like, you know, could you help me? He looked at me and sharply in the eyes and say, son, just do it anyway.

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The discussion was out of the picture. But this is not the this should not be the way today. It may be worked with us during our our days. But today No, you don't want to teach me i'm not i'm gonna Google it. And if the Google any of those words, we will only get hardcore promote.

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Yes, yes. Well, it that's so true. You know, the fact that you approach TV is something that I can't get my head around, how did you even approach

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because the next day I was going to leave the house. So it was one night before the wedding. I couldn't

00:34:11--> 00:34:12

hire.

00:34:14--> 00:34:49

We couldn't. We couldn't open those kind of discussions ever. Like even the word the word sex, the word porn, those words, we couldn't offer them in front of our elders. But today, it is essential. It is essential to teach your children but again, I would advise you to read more to attend gathering of that nature to learn how to language, how to reach out to your children. So instead of talking to your child pornography, talk to them about inappropriate images. So just it's a matter of articulating the subject to children according to the age group.

00:34:50--> 00:34:59

Yes, absolutely. Because sometimes, they don't know about this or they haven't been exposed to it and we're exposing them to things that they can be, you know,

00:35:00--> 00:35:02

We teaching them how to get to it basically.

00:35:04--> 00:35:38

Yeah, so you have to be very careful with the language. And at the same time also do all the necessary protective measures, like, as I mentioned that, you know, if they have cell phones, you have to put some software's and, and I have already shared a lot. So we have covenant eyes, we have net nanny, we have a lot of software's that can do the magic for you, we can even send you reports if your children got access to any of these websites. So, once you get that report, you should go to your children open a conversation, not to scold them, not to slap them not to, you know,

00:35:39--> 00:35:52

you know, go harsh from them rather open a discussion of what happened with us talk about it, and educate them, because there are children, they will make mistakes. Anyway, I have to accept that. And part of our role as parents is to correct those mistakes.

00:35:53--> 00:36:21

Yes, absolutely. I think that's also part of the problem where we grew up in homes, where this wouldn't be mentioned, like you said, just saying the word sex in the home was a problem. You know, and now we've got to change that mindset and deal with our children or the future generation in a different manner altogether. So that change requires discussions like these people to be exposed, etc. to this topic, you know, books,

00:36:22--> 00:36:26

the whole field that you're engaged in is just something that's

00:36:27--> 00:36:47

more common. it'll all come back to what I said earlier, that we need to normalize the conversation to normalize the education in this game. Once once we talk about it a lot, we talk about it a lot, we raise awareness about it a lot. It can become normal for our children's can ask us questions about these issues. That's, that's my take on this.

00:36:48--> 00:36:56

I remember once discussing with you and you're talking about how you should try to build new pathways of

00:36:57--> 00:37:39

you know, what do you call it a pleasure, pleasure return system, basically something where you're getting pleasure from something that is pure and goodness. So try and build a new pathway in your brain, so to speak. Yes. Yeah. So in order to kick a habit, in order to kick a bad habit, you have to insert into your brain a replacement of a good habit. But the trick here is that you have to replace a habit that you also like, like you feel like it's appealing to you. Back in the days, I remember, like, if I gained weight, people will recommend you to go to the gym and lift weights and all that and then he will go for a week. If you don't like exercises, if you don't like you know,

00:37:39--> 00:38:20

going to the gym, you will go for one way to torture yourself after that he will quit because you hate it. Yeah. But you have to find out something that you really like, that's appealing to you. And keep doing it again and again, again and again, until it becomes hardwired in your brain. And as a result, the bad habit to be kicked out. So when when my doctor told me you have to exercise after my surgery, I hated that advice. But I found a way, I found that I love swimming so much. I said okay, that would be my exercise, I like it. So it becomes really a regular habit. For me, swimming became a daily habit for me, although I quit after the back injury, you know, but it's something that you

00:38:20--> 00:39:00

find for yourself, if exercise is stuff for you go for a walk, go jog for a while in the park, just you know, be physically active, because when you do physical activities, also those pleasurable hormones are produced in your brain and you will feel satisfied not as not in the same way how you get that satisfaction, satisfaction from porn addiction and the pleasure of orgasm. But it will give you some some relaxation or some comfort in a way. And when you insist on it for a period of time, a number of days, some people they say 21 days

00:39:04--> 00:39:06

to say one month, 60 days,

00:39:07--> 00:39:08

depending on the person.

00:39:11--> 00:39:15

And it's because it becomes a hardwired habit. Then you can

00:39:17--> 00:39:20

stack those good habits again and again.

00:39:23--> 00:39:26

Pick one habit at a time and then stack it

00:39:29--> 00:39:34

slowly, slowly, two habits three habits on to like kick out the big monster.

00:39:35--> 00:39:56

Yes, I think we've addressed a topic that I also wanted to talk about already, which is habits you know, habits ultimately form who you are as a human being and this is broken down into the very down to the very minute you know, so I saw recently a post that you put up as well with regards to habits Yes, absolutely. I'm

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

I have something that

00:40:01--> 00:40:04

Studying the past three years left with I did a lot of books

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on habits and

00:40:16--> 00:40:18

power law, based on my study.

00:40:20--> 00:40:24

With habit, I develop the habit of reading one book a day. So all

00:40:29--> 00:40:33

of my habits that I do every single day is that I read an

00:40:36--> 00:40:38

old book, either I,

00:40:42--> 00:40:44

I listen to it, or

00:40:49--> 00:40:56

read it. And sometimes when I say I read a book a day doesn't mean that I will read that thick book, let me get a thick book here.

00:40:57--> 00:41:03

I will never be able to go through that thick book every, you know, a day. But I may read something that thick,

00:41:04--> 00:41:47

that thick every day. But in order for me to, to really enforce that habit and make it really hardwired, I created an environment for reading. So I have a special couch for reading, I have a special pillow that reminds me of reading. And I have a special one on that coffee table that says coffee and reading. So every time I look at that coffee, it reminds me of reading, I get the mug, I make my coffee, I go back on my couch, and I read it three times, I have three times per day to read. And that may be the habit of of reading something part of me to an extent that now I'm teaching how to read one or 50 books a year. But there is a course that I'm teaching on how to read

00:41:47--> 00:42:07

150 books every single year. So spoiler, so it didn't happen just by chance it happened by understanding how the habit works bad or good. And you decide for yourself, you wanted to build good habits, choose things that are appealing to you, and stack them again and again until they become part of who you are.

00:42:08--> 00:42:51

I love something that you mentioned. Whilst we were talking right now, where you said that you create the environment for that, you know, particular habit, it's conducive to that particular habit. You've got a couch, you've got a pillow, you've got a mug that really remind you of these things. And I think that's where a lot of us are missing out because you want to create these habits that you don't make the environment that's conducive to doing so. So you love Emily, for example. And you are like a reward associated with that habit. So can you work for me why reading is coffee like I love coffee. So once I see them now it becomes all I'll be rewarding. Why reading so it

00:42:51--> 00:42:53

becomes part of me and suparna light I'll leave

00:42:55--> 00:43:00

it all you know, come down to one thing, one thing

00:43:01--> 00:43:45

do you want to please our last panel to Allah? Or do you want to please yourself to death? Like I always remind my clients of this you will get those pleasures they are no longer than three seconds the pleasure that you get from pornography does not last for three seconds. The phase of shame and darkness that follows it last much longer. Like you know these days sad and angry when they pray the see those images it brings more depression more anxiety to their feelings and to their emotions. But the pleasure that they have experienced only three seconds now you ask yourself this question you want to please Allah subhanaw taala or you want to please yourself, if the answer is pleasing Allah

00:43:45--> 00:44:11

subhanaw taala the Met dnn like man up and create for yourself the necessary habits that will kick out and it will never happen. Also, Schechner pornography unfortunately, is one of the addiction that will never be broken by the individual alone. So we have to have a support system and accountability partner, righteous group righteous friends,

00:44:12--> 00:44:12

only then

00:44:14--> 00:44:15

you can you can cope with it.

00:44:16--> 00:44:26

Yes, that's getting to the next point that I was going to go to which is can a person kick the habit on their own? Totally by reading books, etc.

00:44:28--> 00:44:29

nearly impossible.

00:44:31--> 00:45:00

nearly impossible. And this is in all the research studies and all the books that I've read them all. I engage with so many sex therapists and on this in this issue because I wanted to develop programs for suitable for Muslims, and I know the shame associated with this in the Muslim community. So I want to reach out experts to see how can a person really break free from porn addiction on their own. It doesn't last for longer you can quit for a month for two for free and once

00:45:00--> 00:45:04

Are all three months masala now Let's relax let's go for you know some youtube

00:45:05--> 00:45:42

movies or YouTube this and that soft porn and in no long time you'll end up relapsing big time. So the best way to go about it is to reach either a counselor, a coach, someone who was experts in the field reached out to support group there are many groups online nofap community are doing great job. And you can you can join those groups anonymously, nobody will know who you are, but you have support, you have accountability, some people are checking on you, some people are encouraging you sending you messages and so on. Other than that, yes, it's going to be nearly impossible.

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I think what stops a lot of people is the guilt, or the shame that's associated to doing so. So

00:45:50--> 00:45:59

if the shame sorry, you've you've differentiated the two for me very beautifully to the tune today. Like a lot here for that. We're always learning. So Pamela So,

00:46:00--> 00:46:19

you know, the guilt and all the shame, sorry, the shame, I should get used to this word, the shame that's associated with coming out and speaking to someone can be avoided through these anonymous websites, etc. You can speak to people who, who can really help you anonymously. So did you have an idea

00:46:21--> 00:46:26

of specific websites or places that people can go to speak anonymously.

00:46:28--> 00:46:39

So the best that I know of is no fap nofap community The second one is reboot nations of gay Diem and gay team is, is a dear friend of mine who,

00:46:41--> 00:47:24

who's a non Muslim grew up in the States. And he had access to monography when he was very young. And by the time he was 15, or 16. I remember he had a girlfriend, and he couldn't function sexually for a long time as a result of porn induced erectile dysfunction. And when he searched, he found that 1000s of people are complaining of the same problem. And as a result, he established this reboot nation community so you can access I saw some Muslim groups within those non Muslim groups. So they, they establish forums within the forums for Muslims, so you can engage in this. The third one that I will recommend is Jada, on our brother from America as well. She is the mother of

00:47:28--> 00:47:34

purify your gaze, purify your gaze, his website community, and he has similar groups.

00:47:35--> 00:47:48

And our academy so that we are Academy is, is doing courses, private courses, and at the end of the course they hook you up with an accountability partner to go the journey of recovery together after that.

00:47:49--> 00:48:00

Can you tell us some of your books that you've written some of the articles or websites that you've founded organizations that you're involved in, so people can get help as well?

00:48:02--> 00:48:53

Yeah, so the best source that will give you really a lot of insights is your brain on porn by Gary Wilson. So your brain on porn? I think that's the best website that I would recommend when it comes to the impact of pornography, on one's brain and on one's mental health overall, and what are the solutions? What are the practical steps that a person may take in order to break free inshallah from porn addiction? Also, I would recommend my books because hamdulillah not to sell them on my books and handlers are meant before anyone else are meant for Muslims although when I publish books lately, I excluded the Islamic quotations with everything in the book is based on our our you know,

00:48:53--> 00:49:12

texts, I just removed them because I wanted to reach a wider audience I want the benefits to to reach to as many people as possible following the advice of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam hi Jonas and found in us the list of people are those who are beneficial to the rest of mankind to all people. But hamdulillah i

00:49:13--> 00:49:59

i targeted my Muslim community so I have in the in the book detox is in particular 50 plus shades of hope, over 150 tips on how to break free from porn addiction. In my upcoming book inshallah aware find out who you are without porn, over 100 new steps or new tips on how to break free from porn addiction. And the next book is even bigger in the sense that I have break it up into different segments of the society, the impact of pornography on children, and how can we help our children to either break free or to protect them from porn addiction, the impact of pornography on teenagers the impact of pornography or relationships on sexual intimacy itself?

00:50:00--> 00:50:13

On on productivity on men on women on faith, so 12 chapters, each chapter talks about one segment or one aspect of