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Desires – A Crash Course on Relationships – 04

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Tariq Appleby

Channel: Tariq Appleby

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh I think also that video we can all go home now. You know, that just encapsulated everything we spoke about, like since the morning, you know, like in Allah was that clear? Three minutes? Four minutes? Yeah So how long should it just read at the beginning? Yeah, nice Allah you know there's another clip of his called the purpose of life, I highly recommend that you watch that. Well, I it's brilliant, it's amazing and share that with your friends and family on Facebook and on Twitter and everywhere else is really important, especially with your non Muslim friends. You know, people that in your community colleagues purpose of life, okay, so let's

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continue now with another purpose of our lives, which is getting married. But what happens is that you get you want to get married, so and you you know, you've you think that you have everything that you need, even people who are working, they've graduated already, they all working, you know, the normal excuses that you might have now, because you students, most of you, you know, don't exist, even those people have to deal with this as well. Okay, so let's go through them. difficult. Parents are difficult families, we should say. So here are a few. Number one, you too young.

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So how old are you? 28. too young.

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Okay, how most of us are at least me when I told my parents at 80. That was me. Number one, you too young. Okay. And then the second one was that you still study? Okay. And the third one, my father gave me that one as well. Okay. I know, he told me, that's what he told me. He told me Unfortunately, my mama forgive my father. You know, I mentioned it now because my father has changed on hamdulillah in many ways, may Allah reward him and forgive him and all of our parents in Sharla. Okay, so I'm using him now because my father isn't like this anymore, right? So I'm going to use it because it's personal. And I like to share those kinds of things with my students. So he told me you

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can marry in reverse and anyone you want to, except someone who's Indian. Right? But now, if you understand, though, don't judge him. Right? If you understand the history of a thought, a date, and you understand South Africa, and you understand the history of the Muslims in Cape Town, then that is a normal thing, right? Because we like the cape Malays in Cape Town, and also the Indian community. Those are the two biggest communities of Muslims in South Africa, right. But there's so much bad luck, they because of whatever reason, you know, whether they be racial, financial, whatever economic, that it still extends now, even after about the two marriages, so if you Indian,

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you most likely not going to get married to a cape Malay. And if you Kamala, you're most likely not going to get married to to an Indian. Right. And I've already dealt with that problem here. Unfortunately, okay, not only with amongst the Malays, and the Indians and the Chinese, but also other people studying here from Kashmir and India and Pakistan and know Bangladesh and Nigeria and so many other countries. It's a huge problem. Right? We will get there now. So you're too young. Now the question is, then what is the good age? Old you need to be 25 like the Prophet 40 like Khadija, right? So all men should be 25 and all women should be 40. Is this. Is this reasonable? What do you

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think? Should we go with this? No, no, no, no, the Bible says yeah, Mashallah Shabaab Shabaab starts in your teen years, man goes all the way until 33. So that applies to anyone money so far. I mean, komova, the Prophet did not stipulate an age, he stipulated physical and financial means whenever you have that, you should be getting married. Right. And your parents, you need to come. Now many people say, Well, I quote, these are yet in our hobbies to my parents, but they stole the fuse. It's because the oil is not hot yet. What do I mean? You know, if you have cold oil, and you throw chicken in there, you find that chicken, right? So you can't just throw a hadith at your parents

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because there are their minds don't work like that. If your parents are not very righteous, and they don't think like that, then don't just throw it at them. Bold all the wheel first. What does this mean? You're a Muslim. I'm not saying this is how you need to speak to your parents. But this is your approach. We Muslims, right. And as Muslims, we obey Allah and His Messenger, we say we hear and we obey you eating up the oil. Now, the prophet was sent to the weekend obey Him. The Prophet came with the best of guidance, the Prophet came to affect our character to perfect our lives. This is why he came, he didn't come so that we could just send solder water upon Him every day and every

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Friday, you know, that's not the reason why he came. He came to teach us how to be better people to perfect our worship of

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Well, this is why he came to speak to them on those terms. Then you talk about the issue of marriage. Right? Many of us we say, gee, why not growing a beard? You know, why not wearing a job? Why don't you pray? That makes absolutely no sense to me that's like throwing water on a you know, on a sheet of of plastic is going to seep through. Now it's not just going to run off. Like it's waterproof. Right? You need to puncture holes in there first. Okay, these are bad analogies, but stay with me, right?

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But you see my point that I tried to make it what is happening is that whatever you're discussing you whatever you're talking to, doesn't she? You're understanding Yes, you are overwhelmed by these ayat and these ideas you have every desire to implement them and make them part of your life but your mother your father, your uncle, they don't think like you they didn't they didn't they don't have this understanding it alone is basically just said and so we should just listen and obey. Yes with him. Most of us we grow up and it just Oh come on. I shall live something you pick off the shelf in Ramadan, you try to read from cover to cover and when the rubber balls over there was back

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on the shelf sound familiar?

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Unfortunately, too familiar. Right? So this is our approach this is what the plan is to us. This is what the sooner is to us. It's a book that's nine volumes long Bukhari and Muslim on the shelf okay. It doesn't translate into anything practical we I obey Allah and His Messenger we I strive to please online everything that I do, it's not there yet. So when you just take a hadith and you say okay, yes, the prophet said, Yeah, Mashallah Shabaab so coated in Arabic, Mashallah lots of Article law, and I replaced them even further, it doesn't work. And then you send in the in, like, I just quoted like, five Heidi's and they still don't agree. Like, the problem is not with Heidi, the problem is

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that they are not ready to you, you need to show them why they need to lay the profit, why they need to obey Allah, that's what you need to start with. And then you can talk about it talk about marriage and or any other issues, right. So you too young, so there is no such thing as too young or too old. When you have when you need to get married, or when you feel you want to get married, whatever age that might be, and you can fulfill the rights of a spouse. That's the age to get married. You still study? Hmm. Right now, some people, I've met people now that are in the Masters and PhD programs, and they still not married, when is this going to end?

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I really do your post doctoral thesis much a lot, a lot of a lot. And if you're getting married off to this right away, you surprise when you 35 and you can't get married. Surprising, no surprise, okay, you need to you need to be realistic about this. If you want to get married, find a way that in which you can get married and continue studies. If you can't, then try to just finish your degree and get married, then if you and your husband or you and your wife have an agreement about further studies, then pursue it in shallow data. But don't wait. Okay? Don't wait, especially those of you that are in a I won't say relationship, but they are those of you now that are engaged or those of

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you that are interested in someone and they feel the same way etc, etc. They do not wait. Okay, if you can get married now, while you are a student and do self, okay, just make sure that everyone understands that it's something that you want to complete. You want to graduate you would like a career. We don't even have time to get into all of those things now about what if you know you get married and your husband tells you that I don't want you to work?

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This happens in India. Are you familiar with this? In India, Allah, I met probably almost 100 sisters studying at medical colleges in the city where I was living, most of them are not going to practice medicine when they graduate. I was like, What? Why? Because we only wanted to say we have a doctor in the family.

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Ah, mazing amazing. I couldn't understand that. Usually Are there going to be sisters, that will break the mold and they will refuse to obey their parents and they'll go out and they'll work right. But for many of those sisters, the plan is to finish your medical degree, get married, have children and stay at home. Okay? When you do this, you want to be want to be able to practice Have you able to implement your knowledge? Right? And then we need to really evaluate that. Okay, yes, my favorite

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in terms of the importance of discussing it not because I like it, right. Oh, I agree with it. But I've seen this happen now right too much to have to really avoid it. I was thinking maybe we shouldn't mention it. But let's mention it.

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The issue is I want to get married where she from? She's from I don't know. Let me just think of a country Columbia right.

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And

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I go to my parents and I say, Okay, I met a sister, right? Mashallah, she I think that she'd be a good wife and etc, etc. She's very pious and and the list goes on. And my favorites first question where she from?

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Columbia. Next question was that, but anyway?

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This is this is this is normal, okay? Yes, naturally I would like because I have an affinity to my own people, I would like my son or my daughter to get married from way

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from South Africa from Cape Town, right? Same culture, same languages, it's nice. It's, it's convenient, okay. But if my son or my daughter came to me and said, you know, Abby, I want to get married to Brother falon. And he's from Japan. Right? I would go through the list First, the character, okay, the ability to take care of my daughter? And do they share any common interest? If they do? Yeah, Marhaba. Let's do the recap. Okay, but unfortunately, this is not what happened. So we need to re educate ourselves as Muslims, that the race is not an important consideration. And it's very amazing. So bahala especially, is anyone here who grew up, you know, studying Shafi FEEL,

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and that's the fact that you that you were taught growing up anyone, the whole of Malaysia, that I should be every single person here growing up with shafia, the shaffir email hub as just as a mother, I don't like to talk about this, but I don't understand why we have this in the community, the shafia A Madhav, does not consider cafa in race and in really and not religion, but in in language. Kapha means compatibility. That is not it does not consider compatibility in those in those areas to be important. Why is it then that in many countries with a sharper image of is, you know, is the dominant mud hub where people still have the specificity? You understand? My point is

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you're supposed to be growing up with the kind of fig that tells you it doesn't matter when you get married to as long as they fulfill the conditions of the deal. Right. And then what he's also saying is that in certain countries, like in Pakistan and India and Bangladesh, where the Hanafi school of thought Imam Abu hanifa, even though he wasn't he was of the view that Kapha in this regard is very important, Adams should marry Adams and you know, and Persians and Mehdi Persians, etc, etc, right. And in those countries, they It is part of the culture, right, they that must have approach has affected how they implement it, you understand, but yet in places like Malaysia and Indonesia and in

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Yemen is also a still a strong focus on on marrying inside of your race or your language, etc. So as Muslims, this should not be a problem for us, we need to focus on what Allah and His Messenger focus on, right? Because most of the time, what is the argument? No one ever came to me and said, You know, like, recently, someone came to the office and said that I am from, you know, country x, and I want to get married to someone from country y. So the parents didn't say, No, he's not working, or No, he doesn't have been he doesn't say no, he's a drug addict who is an alcoholic. They never mentioned this. Their first response was, is not from our race.

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You understand? I can understand if you use that as your fourth reason, right? You know, personally, I'm not comfortable with my daughter marrying someone from country Why? Okay, but that's also talking about the most important things even then I wouldn't agree. But I could understand that it makes sense to me. But when people come out with a race card at the beginning, especially for the South African, you know, growing up when I was when I was a young person, I remember seeing something on the on the beach, beautiful beach in Cape Town, like five or 10 minutes from my house. Right. And we driving policy, and I tell my dad, dad stop later, let's go swim. Yeah. Just like he

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said, No, as my dad says, Don't you see the sign? Big sign? whites only slips blancas only white people can swim. Right? So that's how I grew up. So for me, this is extra sensitive when people say, Well, I can't marry my daughter to you because you're not white enough or not black enough or not, whatever other color blue enough, right? What do you want me to be a smurf? Right? This is a, this is a huge problem to have. And if we can now it was a problem for me, then it's a problem for us now because I know islamically that it's wrong, you understand? So it bugs me both on a personal level now and also on a religious level that people still use this as an excuse. And the worst part the

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worst thing ever, is if those people claim to be practicing, that really kills me. Right? If they are performing sila, and you know they're not actively and openly engaging in harm, etc, etc. Your response like that from them is really pathetic. And you know what, sometimes they

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Say, you know, I know that she or he's a good person, and they'll make a good spouse. But what are the people gonna say?

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What is Allah subhanho? wa Taala going to do?

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Your daughter wanted to get married to this person, we had all the qualities that a law had placed and made important for a spouse. And you said no, based on something which Allah didn't, which Allah didn't make as a prerequisite, right? You shouldn't be worrying what the people think you should be worrying how you're going to answer Allah subhanho wa Taala on the day of piano, okay, now, how do you solve this problem, it's okay to mention it. More importantly, it's important for us to solve it. Again, you have to go and appeal to your parents not don't quote them, or howdy then tell them about, you know, what the prophet said about this. Three, pay them and make them understand,

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firstly, what the responsibilities are. And another thing appeal to the emotions many of you when you go to your parents and talk to them about marriage, or talk to them about a potential spouse, you appeal to their logic, that is a big mistake, that will appeal to their logic, appeal to their emotions. Please don't don't this is not our talking about emotional blackmail. This is emotional blackmail, Avi, if you love me, then you will let me marry this person. Right. And if you don't marry me, I live here to speak to you again, and you're not my father. And to at other things, like, that's not what I'm talking about. When I say appeal to the emotions, I mean, do it in the positive

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way. Let me show you how you go to your mother, your father, both of them, you say, you know, I want to get married, right? And I have someone in mind, okay, you tell them who it is. You tell them know, whatever they need to know, right. And I know that from the time I was born, even before I was born, the two of you wanted or everything was good for me, you wanted the best for me. And I You were so concerned about my welfare, you were so concerned about every aspect of my of my life, about my, my physical, you know, well being about my emotional well being about my education about all of this. So I'm telling you now that me marry me marry this person is something that I've made lots of

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istikhara about, that I feel is going to be good for me in all of those things that you as my parents have been trying to protect me in, this person is going to be able to continue doing what you have been doing. That's how I feel. What have you done? No, you haven't blackmail them. Right. But you've appealed to the emotions, because now they see it differently. They think about, you know, culture is not about you know, all of those things. It's about my daughter, my son, you know, as articulated what they want. Not only are they articulated it well, but they've also brought in our emotions into it as well. So now your parents think with their minds and their hearts. And

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that's where you want them to be. Right, not only thinking about the neighbors and uncles in the unset, about the people and all of those other things and obstacles that might you know, stop them from marrying you have to this person. So that's what you need to do. Okay, then some other things. She's too religious.

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Now, this is a problem as well, because especially with our times, we're being religious is the new you know, it's like, you know, we know what it's like, you know, anyone Have you ever been stopped at the airport? We tell you a quick joke. I'm on the plane with my family. We on our way from Cape Town to Port Elizabeth in South Africa, we get off the plane, there are two other people on the plane, right? They all cost this policeman and my family because I have small children. We're the last to get off the plane. They stop us and they say sir, can I see your identification? We doing a random check?

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Yes, random J. Okay. So I asked him I said, Excuse me.

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You 195 people walk past you. Right? And you only stop the the couple and the family that happens to be dressed like this.

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No, no, no sense of security for the World Cup. I was like, Oh, so So you think that only people dislike me? We'll be a fit to the World Cup. No, no. So you must understand me? I'm like, No, I don't I don't misunderstand. Doesn't make sense to me doesn't make sense to you. Right? 195 people will pass without being stuff. The couple of efforts to be dressed and have a beard and wearing niqab. That couple gets stopped. What do you think about my kids look dangerous? don't date that I. Anyway, let's move on. So that's the kind of climate we live into. Our parents are concerned that we're going to get married to some zealot and some person that's, you know, that's too religious.

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The problem with this is that most of the time those parents are not religious themselves.

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So they base it on way from the point of view. Okay, that person prays five times a day. Whoo. That's a lot

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And I know I'm joking. But this is the perception that I because to me, if I'm not practicing, anyone that happens to be practicing seems to be very religious, isn't it? So, if I'm clubbing if I'm drinking, if I'm going out every Friday and Saturday night, if I have no Salah in my life, I have no character. And I see a person that goes to the machine five times a day that he doesn't do these things that I do. Is that person religious to me. That person is very religious to me. And I thought only religious very, when I thought when I started going to the vices, my friends were like, pious nella, right? Can you imagine that? Going through the mercy to pray not the hi Jude that I

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learned also that Muslim men is shy. Like, wow, you're so pious. No, this is the society that we live in. So your parents, I hope this doesn't happen to you. But if it does, ask your parents to define it for you,

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what is the religious right What is your definition of to religious by the fact that they don't, you know, they pray they don't, you know, engage in any harm relationships that, you know, they don't drink? They don't do they don't do drugs, they don't listen to music. Is that to religious bahala we are living in a time we playing performing your sign up is like, wow, usually, you know, when you die, you're gonna build a Mozilla movie. Okay. That's the that's the that's the point. We all know. Unfortunately, it's not unreasonable to build a mozillian over a grave. But I come from a culture as do many of you my Indian brothers area. Shall Anyway, let's move on.

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Can we move on?

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Okay, so you got married? handed in?

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doesn't feel good. Feels good. Right. So now you're married. Okay. And then you on the honeymoon? Oh, my show was getting wonderful. Oh, you know, I just gotta get enough of this. And when you have a problem

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it happens, okay? Doesn't matter whether you find it all of my advice, you took 10 courses that I taught or someone else taught or, you know, you read 20 books on the topic by Muslims and non Muslims, you are gonna have issues right? Have you ever have you as anyone at all through their life never having an argument before

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CEC I'd like to add this person I want to get to know better, right? share with us how we all do right? It could be small, could be big, could be overblown, whatever it is, but we've all had these issues and problems are going to arise sometimes not that because of your doing let me give an example.

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You You and your your spouse Mashallah everything's going well and Uncle comes to visit when Auntie is always an auntie, right? Now sort of sixes job. It happens that I Okay, let's go back again to the uncle. It's the uncle

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that I tell it's the ankle he comes in and he says, you know, so. So I thought he can check it out. What's

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Why do you have these curtains on the wall? You know, these are ugly curtains.

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Right? That's my uncle. Right? Ugly curtains and uh, why don't you do anything about that? You fence outside there? You know? And why your kids running around barefoot in the house? And is this your problem? No, as as men and wife, this isn't an issue for you. You having purple curtains or you're having your children running barefoot in the home or your children riding their bikes in your house is not an issue for you as a couple, but you have people your friends or family coming to you to your home and then criticizing This is an external example. And now what happens when they leave?

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Unless you communicate to each other very carefully what has just happened? What is going to happen after a while if not immediately is the following. Now what is your uncle the right to come to our house and tell us what to do? You have either two ways of dealing with this you either need to say no You're right. I agree that's not my uncle's place. I will talk to him about it or he's my uncle. You can have his own opinions. Right? If he thinks that our algorithms are ugly then they must be ugly right? That's that's a mistake. Right? communicating with each other is going to avoid some audios like that. So what so so so why is it the problem that my uncle would come in though it's

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rude. And maybe it was rude if you think about it objectively does not use place to comment on the color of your curtains and small problems. You might think this is this is so No, that's a dumb thing to argue about that people have argued I will surely not share that with you. It's just just bring down the mood inshallah, let's move on. But I have seen some things that will you know, that you would think would be trivial but

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The people who did them at the time did not think they would reveal and it really hurt people. So don't allow these things to fester, right, talk to each other say that this is bugging you, you know, let's talk about it be open enough, be mad enough be woman enough to say that I don't I'm not happy with this, you know, let's work through it. Let's deal with this. Now. You know, I don't like the fact that your mother comes to our home and she criticizes my food or that she criticizes the way I take care of the kids. And I don't like it when your dad comes and says, you know, when you're going to get a better job, you know, you're always gonna treat my daughter like this is you always

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gonna live in this dump. And that's what happens. Okay, then they are interpersonal, the internal issues that could be between the couple just because of something. Let me give an example. As I was walking in the mall, he sees a woman that he knows from high school or from university, and they have a friendly chat. What worse, you know, she comes in, she jumps in and hugs him. You know, and you walk in there with your with your wife. Yes, it happens. And obviously now that was in your past, but now your wife is like, What? What's happening? Yeah. You know, He even told me about her that he was nothing to tell. Okay, but now this becomes an issue later. So you start talking to each

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other about this lesson? Let's be let's be honest, right? That Yes, I did know the sister or this woman. You know, that was then hamdulillah. I'm a Toba. It's been 20 years, 15 years, five years, whatever it's been, you know, I've changed. You have changed. We've made Toba. We've moved on. And this is my new life. Right? Did you see how uncomfortable I was when she tried to hug me? You know, did you see how shy I was in her company? Right? Did you notice those things? So deal with them immediately? Do not let them fester. So the handler I don't know. If I could repeat it and put it on. You know, on repeat, I would do that. to not let your problems as couples fester. Deal with it

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immediately. Do not wait until tomorrow. Don't think okay, I'll talk to him or her about it next week, or when we alone or No Deal with it immediately. Deal with it immediately. Okay. So, um, preparation before marriage is gonna help you. And I don't only mean I spoke about this before psychology, understanding the, you know, understanding what marriage is and isn't understanding expectations. What does a husband expect from a wife? What does the wife expect from a husband, you know, understand that is going to take a while before the two of you are comfortable enough with each other that you are able to communicate is going to take because I'm not saying that when you

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get married, Mashallah is gonna just you know, it's gonna be amazing. You might because the way that we have discussed it means that there's no dating that I don't know you, you don't know me is so much the lights exciting, I'll tell you this. It is more exciting to get married like this need to go out with someone for years or months, and then get married. Why? Because every day is a surprise. If I don't always be the surprise you want. But it's a surprise, right? And it's it's good. It's vital. It's like an adventure. Okay, even if you're married for 20 years martial arts and adventure, new things. And the more you know about that, before you get married, the The more you will

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appreciate what a great experience manager is going to be. Right, the more knowledgeable you are, let me give you a simple analogy. You might not like it, but here we go. Let's say before traveling to Malaysia, I read every single book I can about it. Right. And I try to learn Bahasa as well, before coming to some you know, now Messiah party, you know, like, like simple stuff, so that I can, you know, like Nazi I am and just I can eat and, you know, tell people who I am and stuff like that. Maybe my new mod will even be even better. But the point is, Will my experience be better? Or the one the person who just booked the ticket and came?

00:28:57--> 00:28:59

Are we falling asleep now? Right?

00:29:01--> 00:29:14

Go? What, whose experience is gonna be better? The one who's more educated, the one who knows was the one who knows that, you know, quantum isn't four hours away, it's only two, at least you'd be driving 148 is right.

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So you are going to have a big experience, the more knowledgeable you are and I don't just mean about knowledge on the in the know on the page, understanding the culture, reading about everything about it, the history, the fact that this you know, like, let me give an example very quickly. In kale these A is a suburb called damansara. Right? And damansara is not a Malay word. It's an Aboriginal word meaning of the people that lived here before the Malay people move to this Peninsula, right? They really name that valley and that river, the damansara. You understand you understand? So now when you go there, you understand. Oh, that's interesting. So this was originally

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settled by people before the Malay people were amazing. You know?

00:30:00--> 00:30:40

fascinating stuff. Right? You appreciate it more now. Okay, if you didn't know about that you wouldn't have damansara as MLA would know, very, very nice. Okay, but now you appreciate the other people here 1000s of years ago, it's the history so much richer. And if you understand your spouse better before you get married, you will appreciate so much more about him in sha Allah tala. Okay, learning how to communicate, oh, this is a course on its own. Voila, he I am actually in the process now of developing this into a two day course just for married couples over those of you who miss Masaki that are not married, right? Misaki that's what I call you. Right? That's my pet name for

00:30:40--> 00:30:59

you. Right? Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. You can always like when you poor you can become rich. You can go from a mosquito, a bunny, right? How do you do that? You get married. Anyway, that's what teachers used to call us when we were students. It just dropped off now. Alright, let's move on. Have an alchemilla say I mean,

00:31:00--> 00:31:02

you know wants to be tell you a quick joke.

00:31:03--> 00:31:06

I I'm in conversation with my friend.

00:31:11--> 00:31:53

He's at home. I'm at home right now. He's married. I'm married. So at the end of the conversation, he had done me a favor. So I said you're Xochimilco. Okay, Ron was the logical right. Now the phone he's fine was Yeah. And his wife was an idea. So what is it? Oh, law means May Allah marry you and get you married. Right now. He's married already. Now, the problem with married men, unfortunately, he's like to make jokes about these things. I'll talk about that later. Right. But he said very loudly and very enthusiastically. I mean, brother army, right? Where he says, we have a seizure later and he says, Yeah, you got me to so much trouble now. I'm like Aki, that is not me. Well,

00:31:53--> 00:32:35

that's you. You should have said no Jazakallah head on. But I'm quite happy, right? I'm quite happy don't need to get married again. Anyway. So you need to be able to communicate and communication is so important. And you need to be able to speak and I'm going to share with you one principle we don't have time to go into the details, but here we go. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said and use this as a principle in your communication, all of it. Makana Rif, poopy shaking Illa Zanna hamanasi amin che in in lashana. Whenever there is gentleness in something, it will beautify it. And whenever the gentleness is removed, it will spoil it. Okay. So when you communicate, always be

00:32:35--> 00:33:18

gentle. Always become never lose your temper, right and never intend to hurt your partner or anyone else. Okay, these are the fundamentals. When you're communicating with someone your intention is to be gentle, calm, right, to be articulate, to be to never lose your temper, no matter the circumstances, and to always intend good for that person. Right? So you're not going to be vindictive, what you say is not going to be sarcastic. What you say is not going to be you know, filled with, you know, a loaded with loaded emotions. No, it's going to be clear, it's gonna be articulate, it's going to be sincere, it's going to be calm, it's going to be gentle. Right. And one

00:33:18--> 00:34:01

last principle in this year is always wait until your spouse is finished speaking, do not interrupt them. The Sunnah in everything is that you wait until your spouse or any person has completed the speech. You have listened you have understood, and now you respond. When the Prophet was speaking to people like in the one example of a hula lead. We came to him and he was discussing with him you know, some issues the prophets it wasn't a Muslim at the time. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam off the he had finished the prophecy of our of the Yarra Valley. Are you finished? And he said, Yes. The Prophet said, Well, now hear from me. And when the Prophet used to speak to people,

00:34:01--> 00:34:09

he would turn his entire body towards them. Not on his phone, like we are today. Yeah, I talking Okay, I'm busy. You know,

00:34:11--> 00:34:53

you just need me just listen. Okay. This unfortunately is a way we communicate to each other and then we are surprised when people have misunderstood us. We are surprised when people seem as if they do not care for us because they seem to be more into whatever device happens to be in their hand right now when you're discussing something especially with your spouse, put away your phone, switch off the TV and listen and then try to understand and then reply with all of the other guidelines I gave you earlier. Last the fear of law in all of the situations with your with your spouse, right, put that first the pleasure of Allah, everything you do, everything you don't do is

00:34:53--> 00:34:59

to be based on what is pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala That is why one of the seller used to say I do not mind marrying

00:35:00--> 00:35:40

My daughter to a righteous man, I asked him why he said that if, if he stays married to her, and he will love her and take care of her. And if he divorces her, he will do so in the proper way. Meaning he won't make her feel like she's suspended. He won't make you want to scarred her as if you know she was worth nothing to him, he's going to do everything he does, whether or doesn't do is going to be based on taqwa. And that's where you want to be in your relationship with your spouse, good or bad. The pleasure of Allah is always going to be at, you know, foremost in your mind. And one something that you strive for it was this one.

00:35:42--> 00:35:44

Okay, how much time do we have?

00:35:52--> 00:35:53

20 minutes. Okay.

00:35:54--> 00:36:37

So, yeah, a few topics. Some of them are random, and some of them are chosen. But obviously, each one of these topics in everything we did today can be covered in its own, you know, can be given hours of attention to, like, you know, the outcomes, or course, you know, the ages of loving mercy, marriage and divorce, and maintenance and custody that's covered over two whole days from 830 until seven on both days, right? issues of you know, marital relations. And all of those things are also covered in a in a two day course, Home sweet home and other institutions have something similar as well. So if we wanted to, we could really just focus on but I only wanted to discuss certain

00:36:37--> 00:36:43

important matters with you. So yeah, a few other matters before we get to that one last joke for the day.

00:36:50--> 00:37:24

There was once this is this men, right? And you want to you want to tell us a joke. So you said that I was also Chinese men, because we went to I was talking about, you know, beating in those I gave a goodbye that day on a Friday, and also after the center. Then I went out and I was speaking to this elderly man, and he was telling me this joke. And he said, You know, I once asked the Chinese men, what do you say for father in Chinese? So he said pattern? I said, What do you call a mother? And he said, Martin, and then I asked him, What do you call a mother in law? And he said, shaytan

00:37:29--> 00:37:31

it's a joke. It's a joke.

00:37:33--> 00:37:35

But it's, it's not it's not true. Is it?

00:37:36--> 00:37:39

Is it true? I would you know, you're not married Should I

00:37:41--> 00:37:42

not make it true for anyone of you?

00:37:44--> 00:38:22

Alright, let's look at divorce very quickly. Right? So it's in Islam. We want you to be happy, Allah wants you to be happy, Allah wants you to be contained. Allah wants you to be tranquil, find tranquility, find comfort, you know, kind find protection, etc, etc, in a marriage. But sometimes couples are not compatible. Sometimes they all problems, whether they are internal or external, sometimes couples cannot stay together, staying together would actually mean that you would you would disobey Allah that you would fall into how long right because of the way that you are teaching each other now, so it is better in that case for you to get divorced. So in Islam, yes, the divorce,

00:38:22--> 00:39:07

the follow up is in the hands of the man meaning that he divorces his wife. But we might also allow to have the to go and have the marriages or No. Okay. Let me give you an example. The first example of this is something called hula. And hula is when a woman is displeased with a husband for some reason, not necessarily a reason which is related to the Sharia. And I'll give you the the background behind this jameelah who was the daughter of the lion obey even salute? You know, this man? He was the chief of the hypocrites in Medina, right? So his daughter got married to therapy in case the zombie bill case, although he was a very wealthy Companion of the Prophet salallahu alayhi

00:39:07--> 00:39:43

wasallam was not very tall and was not very handsome. Okay, that is that that's not me describing him. Those are, you know, that's the the right the the, the person who narrates this to us, tells us about him. So his wife, one day, she's on the roof of the home now, why did she marry him because of his deed because of his character. But it doesn't seem to have been that physical attraction between the two of them, especially from his side, you know, from her side, rather, when they got married. So she got married for other reasons. One day, she's on the roof of a home, and she sees him amongst, you know, a group of other men. And she finds that he is the least attractive, or in

00:39:43--> 00:39:55

another generation, the shortest of all of them. Right? And she has you in that moment. At that moment. She realizes that she doesn't want to stay married to him is that I mean, is that a valid reason?

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

Like he can actually get a divorce with that.

00:40:00--> 00:40:42

But listen to this. So she goes to the profit of a law because she doesn't know whether or not these are grounds for divorce or separation. So she goes to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and she says, Yasser Allah, I do not criticize anything about forbids religion or his character, Masha Allah, what an amazing men Are you with me? Right? So but is pious is righteous, and he's got excellent character he treats me well, but I fear that I will be ungrateful, right. And I fear that I will be an ungrateful wife, I will not be the wife that he deserves to understand. I don't feel that because of my lack of attraction towards him, I to fulfill his rights and be the

00:40:42--> 00:41:25

wife that he needs. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam turned to Sabbath he was there and said to him, would you say to her other, will you return the dowry, which he had given you back to him? And she said, Yes, I will. So the prophets of Allah, they sort of ordered him to divorce her. Okay, now something is the third way that a woman might, you know, and now her marriage is the following. It is called a fossa, right? I don't know, an element and how does this work? These have to be based on serious reasons. Let me list them for you. Number one, it is the obligation of the husband to pay to provide for his wife, any husband that does not provide for his wife and his wife

00:41:25--> 00:42:01

is fulfilling his obligations as the right to have that marriage. And now, so I don't know how they submit quotes in Malaysia deal with this issue. I'm so starting my research into your personal law, right, because I needed in my counseling as well. Recently, someone came to me they wanted to marry a second wife. And, you know, I told him all I don't know, you know, back home in South Africa, you just get married, you know, we don't have those kinds of, you know, you need to get the permission of the Wally MRI, the permission of the Wali and signatures and all of these complicated things. So I said, I don't know. Okay, so I said, I'll try to do some research. Okay. I needed also for

00:42:01--> 00:42:08

inheritance, and for some other issues that are going to come up in the future, I I presumed. But coming back to this issue.

00:42:10--> 00:42:11

Was I say,

00:42:15--> 00:42:58

how the first Yes, so not not providing for a wife is a reason number two husband isn't able to fulfill his sexual obligations, meaning that his wife says that he is not fulfilling her sexual obligations or needs, like the husband might be impotent, or the husband doesn't show her any, you know, physical or sexual, you know, give doesn't give attention in that regard. A third reason would be because the husband is a drug addict or an alcoholic, or in some like in Saudi Arabia, they would even give it for a woman whose husband isn't praying at all right? Because the fatwa in Saudi Arabia is that a person who doesn't, doesn't pray at all isn't really carefully at all, eating No, five

00:42:58--> 00:43:39

times a day, Salah no Juma? No, nothing doesn't pray, praise, nowhere to be seen. Okay. And this is the view of the humbling school and many LML from on the sidelines until now, but be that as it may, that's another reason the husband is a fasiq is an open outright sinner. Okay, that's another reason. Now, some cultures are in some, some countries. The other reasons could be adultery, infidelity, you know, and many other reasons like that could be physical abuse, although I've seen that many rdms around the world have been reluctant to give a facade on the basis of physical abuse. And I don't understand why. Right, I don't understand why I don't see the I'm not when I say

00:43:39--> 00:44:18

physical abuse, I don't mean it. When they argue he pushes her and she pushes him back at you know, they get into a scuffle. I mean, as when that takes, you know, a woman or his belt, and he beats his wife, or he punches her and does things like that. That's the kind of physical abuse that I'm talking about. Right? I've seen many couples, even in my presence, so fighting each other, you know, kicking and screaming and pulling his hay and, you know, scratching and punching and, you know, and that's a mutual fight that isn't the husband abusing, abusing the wife. I've actually seen women abusing those videos. It's a It's a crazy FA but I'm when I say that a facade is valid at that

00:44:18--> 00:44:58

particular time. I'm talking about severe physical abuse, the abuse that I think that comes to mind when I say physical abuse, has been beating his wife, black and blue, broken bones, that type of thing. Okay, so divorce is something that Alhamdulillah the Sharia is very clear about and that we have clear guidelines for and Alhamdulillah even though it isn't a positive thing we have the means that we have the knowledge to deal with it properly, so that people's rights and people's, you know, emotions are protected to the best of our ability. Now let's move on to something else. spinsterhood, which means is that this person has never married, right. Something very specific to

00:44:58--> 00:44:59

women. But

00:45:00--> 00:45:10

Obviously men is that this this applies to men as well as well, people who never married because of many reasons. Maybe they couldn't find someone, maybe I know someone. So hi, Lola.

00:45:12--> 00:45:20

She lost her husband, at the age of 90, he died in a car accident, right? And she never ever got married.

00:45:22--> 00:45:27

She was 19. And she was pregnant. Right? And she never ever got married again.

00:45:28--> 00:46:05

And then you have sisters who because of their careers never marry, you have sisters, because, you know, they never got any proposals or no one ever made any effort, you know, to get them married or for whatever other reason, I want to come back to one last due to one thing I mentioned not last thing, but one thing I had mentioned earlier in the day, that it is not hard at all, to be in this state. It also someone says I don't want to get married. And I I'm happy living the single independent life that I am living Alhamdulillah I'm being dutiful to Allah subhanho wa Taala I'm not engaging in any harm, and I don't want to get married. And I it's especially it's especially

00:46:05--> 00:46:39

important for people who feel that they will not fulfill the rights of a husband or a wife were they to get married, right? It's even more acceptable from them. But it should not become something taboo. It should not become something which is frowned upon in a community. I like to make jokes. You know, that Miskin joke earlier, forgive me if I offended anyone, but I like to make jokes with people. I've realized lately that with people, some people don't want to get married. Like I like to ask people like a third question. I asked Moses when he picked him up at the hotel this morning. Are you married? Right? I could have asked him how are your parents? How many brothers and sisters do

00:46:39--> 00:47:05

you have? My third question was what? So now I go, what's your name? Where you from? Are you married? Okay, that's just me, because I deal with managers all the time. It was like a theme for me and I but let us not let us be very sensitive to the feelings of people. You know, this is this is really irritating. It's very hurtful sometimes. You're not married. You want to get married and old people are always bugging you. You married when you're getting married. not married yet. Why not married? Right?

00:47:07--> 00:47:16

Oh, you're married. Next question. So no babies yet. But I think when you add children, they're like, Where's the next one coming?

00:47:18--> 00:47:20

You only having one? No, no, come on. Come on.

00:47:21--> 00:47:43

You I can go I've got some hubs the at home, you know, like, this is my uncle Tell me. Right. And then Allah gave us twins after that. Yeah. Anyway, so then when some for some of the brothers when they married and then they ask you when you're getting married again. Right. That's another question. We get the as soon as Allah right when you're getting married again. Like why would I want to go through that twice?

00:47:44--> 00:48:03

Anyway, but I'm just joking. Just joking with you. Some of my tell my wife I said that they will be in trouble is no couch in our hotel at all. Right. Anyway. polygamy, let's talk about polygamy very quickly. Right? Oh, before I get there before, polygamy, let's talk about being a widow or widower. Well.

00:48:05--> 00:48:43

Michael Chang cayetano hamdulillah. If you've been married before Yamaha, then you can get married again. If you are divorced, see if you're a widow or widower. We don't have a problem in our culture. You will get married. It's about heinola you can marry quicker than waiting when you before you are married in the first place. I don't know why. Right. Don't ask me but that's what happened. Some cultures when I was in India, yeah, a lot. I don't know if all of India is like this. But if you are a widow or you're divorced, you're always untouchable. Right? No proposals even will lie they all go in close to the city. We I was living Mangalore in the south, whose husbands have left

00:48:43--> 00:48:51

India to work in the Gulf and they died they they are 19 2021 and no one wants to marry them because they were married before

00:48:52--> 00:49:01

that that is a problem. And many cultures are like this. Is this is this an issue in Malaysia? No. Okay. hamdulillah

00:49:03--> 00:49:11

Oh, by the way, I did ask this question. What is the average you know, model year in Malaysia? What's the average salary?

00:49:12--> 00:49:15

Just so the brothers can know how much how much saving they need to do

00:49:16--> 00:49:17

Yes.

00:49:19--> 00:49:23

What do we didn't get much your loss amazing.

00:49:24--> 00:49:30

My parents got married for 28 and Mashallah, right 2018 There we go. We did Inga. That's the average

00:49:32--> 00:49:35

Are you talking about 20 ringgit like 100 years ago?

00:49:36--> 00:49:36

No.

00:49:38--> 00:49:43

Because that didn't need to be a lot of money man. Anyway, what someone just anyone

00:49:44--> 00:49:48

5000 10,000 and average.

00:49:49--> 00:49:58

5000 10,000. And what else do they want? Do they want a fully furnished flat? I do I need to buy a father Land Rover

00:49:59--> 00:49:59

no

00:50:00--> 00:50:18

So is it is always cash or do you? I know in India and Pakistan and Bangladesh gold is is probably the main hub. I know cash isn't really given right but is what is the normal Dahlia? Is it money? Is it jewelry? What is it? Money, money and jewelry?

00:50:19--> 00:50:54

expensive to get married? Yeah. Anyway, well, let's have a holiday make it easy for us in Sharla. Okay, the next thing we want to talk about is polygamy. And I know I don't I don't have to tell you that it needs to be miserable in Islam, to tell you about all the you know, all the things that the Sharia wants in place before this happens. We've discussed all of that, whenever you give your first wife, you have to give your second wife, your third wife and your fourth wife, right. But what I really want to talk about here is that this needs to be something that we need to realize needs to happen in our communities will not lie like you know, like one sister told me once she said to me,

00:50:54--> 00:51:13

Shay, can you give a talk about this? Because it seems that all the good men are married already. Right? You're at the last conference. The last one is a faith conference. They were sisters who said this is what they said. They said they that we should read this out. And sisters, please share your husband's.

00:51:14--> 00:51:40

Right. That's what one of the one like you like the the MC had to read out, you know, a statement from one sister say, sisters, please share your husband's. So the the issue is the following at our marriage facilitation. You know, at the last the last conference, we had this, this facilitation. They were I don't know how many women right? And only a handful of men.

00:51:42--> 00:52:28

And this is the reality in almost every the demographics of most countries is that there are more women than than men, right? And also, two quick ones told me you went to Sweden, right now in Sweden, the percentage of homosexuals and over six years, and then the homosexual men date is extremely high. So any women that want to get married, right, find it extremely difficult to find a spouse, because firstly, your pool that you're looking at is extremely small, right? And most of the Muslim men in Sweden are not Swedish, meaning they are Somali, Pakistani, etc. Right? So, polygamy has a huge part to play in our societies, it is something that we must be it must talk about, it is

00:52:28--> 00:52:54

something we must discuss because it is going to help us solve a lot of our social problems. Right? Many women can't get married, they want to get married. But then also, this is something I have to deal with all the time. We, you know, sisters come to me and they say they want to get married to someone but he's married a lady, right? And then what I do know Do I go to the brother and he's and his first wife and say, listen, sister Fatima came to me, and she would like to be part of your family.

00:52:57--> 00:53:32

Is that how I do it? You know, how do you go about doing this needs to be a more open discussion about this? Because this is the reality, right? This is indeed the reality. How many of us have had a lot I've only been here in the country two months, right. And this has become such a huge issue. Marriage, second marriages, sisters who wants to get married, but they can't find a husband that they want to get married to these older single brothers seem to be you know, not not not suitable enough as they say, right. So this is something that we need to discuss it needs to become something is not something to do something was hide away, but something we must be open about and we have to

00:53:32--> 00:54:14

discuss let's move on homosexuality. Firstly, we need to understand that homosexuality is how in light of the Quran and the Sunnah, it is not permissible, right? Even the attraction that you have for the same sex is not permissible. Why? Because the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam cursed those men that imitate women, and he cursed those women that imitate men, you didn't talk about clothing, you didn't only talk about you know, the way they walk or the way they talk. But you also imply the implication of this hadith is that even in the desires, it is not permissible for a man to imitate a woman and a woman to imitate a man. Gender roles have been clearly defined by the Quran

00:54:14--> 00:54:24

and the Sunnah, right? I created for you from yourselves mates, men and women, not men and men, not Adam and Steve, Adam and Eve. Okay.

00:54:27--> 00:55:00

Are you like that one? Okay. It's not copyrighted, you can use it. Go ahead. Right. So homosexuality is something which the Sharia does not allow. But the question is that people do have a desire for the same sex No matter how much we want to talk about this home is hot. All right, and we can go on and we can, you know, we can quote 28 and older are hiding what the punishment for homosexuality is the case. The end result is there are people in our communities where women like women and

00:55:00--> 00:55:45

Men like men, what do you do? They unfortunately are also people, adults that like children sexually. They are adults that like animals sexually Vclt, Zoo, philia, pedophilia, all of these things exist, but they are all held on you and I no matter what our desires, we have to know that they are held up, we have to work towards curbing them, we have to look for the natural means that Hillel needs which are loss of a heinola Tada as set forth for us, right? So yes, the therapy might be difficult the therapy might be you know, and also this argument about being genetic and natural, avoid that avoid that that is there is almost inconsequential. What you need to focus on is the fact

00:55:45--> 00:56:29

that this is how long by Allah subhanho wa Taala. Right, because insist p there are people in Austria right now that are trying to legalize insists they are animal brothels in Denmark, where you can go and have sexual intercourse with a dog, or with a cow or with an animal like that it's legal. There are brothels in the Netherlands where you can do this. There are people you all know about child pornography and pedophilia, it's a huge disease, right? To the can be. Well, what do you think is going to happen in the future? The same genetic natural argument we're using now? PDF files are going to use it in five years, perhaps they already use it. Right? People that are you know, that

00:56:29--> 00:56:50

are engaging in beast realities, you know, having sex with animals, they also begin to say no, no, this is this is my natural This is my natural disposition. My genetics has determined that I should be determinism I like that. And I, I this is how I'm supposed to be. Right? Are we gonna say that's okay, as well, because that's the argument that homosexuals are using now.

00:56:52--> 00:57:28

That I am like this, because of my genes. I like this, because of my society. I am like this because of other reasons. The point is, it's right, in the same way that for a man to have intercourse with a woman outside of marriage is how long is also held on for a marriage of intercourse with another man or a woman with another woman or with an adult with a very small child or with a person within with with an animal is all held on all desires, right? And they are all held on? What is the halal way to deal with them, it is to get married and all what is the other solution?

00:57:29--> 00:58:04

fostering, right, controlling yourself being in the company. The problem is that, you know, homosexuals at least in Cape Town, they form groups and they spend time with each other. Right? And they justify their actions and they feelings amongst each other finding proofs in the Quran or refuting whatever you know, is being said about homosexuality in the Quran and the Sunnah. The problem with that, is that you How are you going to see the other side of the coin? If you're only with people and only see your side of the coin? You understand my point? Right? So there are many ways that we need to address this issue. But this is the this is the main you know, so the high low

00:58:04--> 00:58:26

low that you will have a father sleeping with his daughter. And they will say that they love each other. I've had this case in Capetown, right? You might look shocked, and you might go know, whatever sounds you're gonna make, but this is the reality and they say they love each other. Right? That I don't love your mother anymore that she says I love my father, but I love him in a different way. Is that okay?

00:58:29--> 00:59:07

How do I how do I deal with them? What do I tell him? Right? So your approach needs to be something that's standard something that is coherent, something that that is applicable to every scenario and that one is it is how long in the sight of a loss of a huddle of data once we understand that you and I we can now look at other ways of dealing with the issue let's move on sexual deviance when I what I mean by this I've covered a lot at least the ability not okay, let me ask you a question. When it comes to when you when you are married, you know Holloway, you know, where do you draw the line between what is acceptable in the bedroom? And what is sexual deviance?

00:59:10--> 00:59:50

Again, only the Sharia decides. Let me give an example. A little intercourse, right? it'll lead to causes How long is it How long? It's hot. Right? So that is how long that's that's not allowed. We call it deviant. So you call it acceptable according to the west to the east waiver. Right in Islam. It's haram right? having intercourse with your wife when she's menstruating? Is it deviance is it not deviance? is it acceptable or not? As mostly is what is it? It's how long simple like I don't six is another issue? Right? Some say it's like, you know like to animals, other items. I say no, it's fine. Okay. The Don't ask me what I say.

00:59:51--> 00:59:59

No, I okay. I'll tell you what I say without saying if such a thing is possible. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said when you when you

01:00:00--> 01:00:11

When your wife is menstruating, everything is halau except sexual intercourse. And if we add the heartbeat about no intercourse, everything else is, is Hello. So that answers the question.

01:00:13--> 01:00:21

Right. Lastly, let's talk about something else the issue of masturbation. Right? It's a huge issue. Many people have asked me, you know, like,

01:00:25--> 01:00:44

I used to blush, you know, I just think about how I used to blush when people ask me this question, but now I don't because they're more serious things that they could be doing besides this issue. So the answer to this is the following that the prophets of Allah alayhi wa sallam did not say, and who ever called get married lady masturbate? Did he say that?

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No, he didn't say that. He said, and whoever cannot get married, they laid him there in force. Okay, let him first. So that needs to be see, like, all the unmarried guys are like smiling. It's like laughing nobody really talked about things like this, the unmarried people will be the ones that are the most uncomfortable with it. Right? And the very people were like, it was a big deal. Like, like you experts or something. Right? anyway. But when it comes to these sort of blushy topics, that's normally the and the younger people I do see, even if you thought about private pass to a group of youngsters, everyone videos, and you see that before, like, you know, I thought if I taught a course

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on sequence, I didn't know there were so many youngsters in the class, I got to put the explicit on one topic, and all of a sudden it said

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you know, like, they had the funniest thing and I'm like, Who's laughing like that? You know, and I thought How old are you 12 right. Anyway, he found that very funny. Anyway, let's move on. So masturbation is not permissible they are more Hillel means that you need to pursue get married, if you can't get married and die fasting inshallah. Right. That brings us to the end of our discussion and our workshop in sha Allah Tada. I think we're going to have a question and answers Yes, we are. So firstly, before we get to that before we end off before I take the question and answers I firstly, I want to thank you for your attendance here today. I ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to

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forgive us our sins, Allah subhana wa tada gather us again in the company of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in genital fear dose as we were gathered here together today. If I've said anything to offend you, I do apologize. If I've said anything which is incorrect. Then it is from myself and say upon and if it is correct, and it is from Allah alone. And lastly, I want to thank you all for your for your hospitality, I hope that inshallah huhtala I'll be able to host you in genda. One day does that come along head on was Salam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

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But if someone is interested in you, and wants to marry you, then if they are genuine about it, they will make the effort to try to convince them. Always keep that in mind. Someone who is sincere, is not gay to string you along. I say that again. A sincere righteous brother or sister is not going to keep you awake. He's not going to keep you guessing. Not going to keep you you know, just you know, suspended and floating along. right because they think that you're interested in them. No