Desires – A Crash Course on Relationships – 03

Tariq Appleby


Channel: Tariq Appleby


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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. And handily no photos today, so they love it. He was happy. I was lunch

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He didn't have too much nice.

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And I'm sure that you can follow the eila will keep you awake, if the lunch puts you to sleep. So we're going to talk about now is all of the data is a Nika marriage as such, okay, this is what we're gonna talk about. Now, we want to look at what we should be looking for. Firstly, why should we get married? Why shouldn't we get married? Should we get married?

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Right. So we want to ask the question in light of those rules and references, we say to ourselves at the beginning, what is Allah and His Messenger say about marriage? Okay, because there might be people who say, Well, I don't want to get no, I don't need to get married. Is that okay? And there are people who say that I need to get married. Have you heard that before? If I get paid, if I was to get money for every brother, especially that tells me I need to get married. Well, I do need to right now. Okay, we serve rich. So we want to look at some of those questions so we can get to the next slide. inshallah. Tada, let's start with what we want to talk about. Okay. The first thing we

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need to know is that Islam encourages marriage. Okay. Sammy cottage is married and has developed a distinct system, you know, for marriage in itself. It is marriage, and everything related to marriage is covered in great detail. So we first discuss the encouragement to get married, the reasons for getting married, what to look for, in a partner, what what do I need to do if I'm having problems in my marriage? Islam deals with that as well. If, at the end of all of that, we decide that we don't want to be married anymore, then some covers that topic as well. What's going to happen with our children if we got a divorce, right? What's going to happen to the custody of those

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of those children? What about maintenance during the marriage, and after the marriage, all of these things are covered in Islam? That is why the quick question I want to ask you is is it possible for a person to marry a gene a human to marry a gene?

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Can you marry a gene? can I marry you? And I and the answer is yes. Now, we know that I that no, it is not permissible for you to marry a gene or vice versa. One reason for that is because Allah subhanho wa Taala has not revealed any guidance on the top. You with me? Yes, I can give you other evidences, but this particular proof is sufficient that there is absolutely no guidance in the Quran and the Sunnah, what to do, when to do it, how to do it, about any aspect of a man's marriage to a woman from the jinn or a woman's marry a man from the gym getting married to a

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human woman, right? There's absolutely no information, no knowledge about this right. Now, someone asked the one of the lover of the past, what is the name of Shane Pons wife?

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cefalu wife, he believes his wife, What is her name? So the chef all said and he said, there is a Nika which I did not attend.

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Alright, let's move on. Okay, so Allah subhanho wa Taala says in the Quran, and for the signs that he has created for you from yourself, meaning humans for humans, gene for Jin, right and not from yourselves, like Malays for Malays, and Indians, for Indians and South Africans only for South Africans know from yourselves meaning from the human species I've created for you, whatever I created for you, I created mates for you. Okay, husbands and wives. So you might find tranquility in them. This is important. One of the reasons why we get married is not to only satisfy our sexual desires, but also so that we can find that equality that we can find a sense of serenity and

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happiness and contentment in our marriages. That's what you got to strive for. That's what you got to work towards. Okay, that doesn't come automatically. You just get married, you say cobuild Tunica. And I accept her in marriage and poof, there you go, you know, amazing marriage, all of these things. No, it's something that you work towards every one of our relationships that we have with a be with our mothers or fathers or siblings or with our teachers, whatever it might be, for that relationship to be healthy. Do not kid yourself into believing that it does not require your work, it requires work. Right? If they if they if they've done something to to turn on you. It

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requires a lot from you to forgive them to overlook and a false and vice versa as well. That requires work to always be happy.

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to work through the problems requires work. So if the healthy relationship will require effort on your part, but I say that when you get married, you're going to find tranquility in your mate in your, in your future spouse, well abroad, each and every one of you and all of us that are allowed at any place between you a fiction and mercy, a fiction and mercy. That's what you get when you get married. That's not what you get before you get

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that, you know, butterflies in the stomach infatuation, puppy love whatever they call it, that's not loving affection because people will throw up

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this on the you know, at the top of the hat, they'll just whatever reason people will abandon you. But when you are committed to someone, that's the that's the key word yet, when you are committed to someone, then you will be loyal, you will be trustworthy, you will be reliable, right? These are all the things that happen when you get married affection and mercy. Now, it's no longer just a word we throw around, but it is actually part of that relationship. What is it? What What do I mean by that, you know, when your husband or your wife is in pain, this is genuine empathy on your part, that you are really concerned that whatever fever or pain they are feeling, it's as if you can feel it

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yourself. That's empathy. That's a fiction in love. Not when your spouse or your girlfriend or your boyfriend feel some pain, and they crying and they wondering, you know, irritates you? Why are you crying? You can't be that. So then, you know, this is what I've seen in couples is what I've seen in married couples have what this is what happens when we don't work on our marriages, we don't we don't think that is if it to be made. So what happens is that as the years go by, your spouse begins to get attached to you, they pain and the suffering doesn't matter that much to you. Right. But I say that when you get married, know that love and affection and affection and mercy, mercy empathy,

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you know, a genuine empathy for your spouse is an integral part of Islamic marriage. It is not something we read about in novels, not something that movies have to show us. It is what Islam teaches us about who we are supposed to be as men and women, husbands and wives. Okay, so we ask Allah subhana wa tada to always made that part of who we are. Empathy is not something that is a you know, is a nice, spicy ingredient to the marriage. It's supposed to be an integral part of it. It's one of the pillars if you if you if you must, okay, so remember that inshallah Tada. So you're different, the only thing is created it for you. So it means that although once it for you, right,

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he means it could be something that you engage in, that's the first thing we take from the verse, Then also allow us have a handle that tells us Indeed, there are signs in that for people who think people will ponder,

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right? If you really think about the institution of marriage, and it's not that it's an amazing things, we've had a lot the benefits, the what it does to us emotionally, the way that it protects us from all of the things in it, give you one simple example. And I will talk about that a bit later. But you know, jealousy. Right, so you're married, and you see another man or another woman looking at your husband or wife? Mm hmm. What does that do with a married brothers and sisters? Okay. I mean, so how to love this. He's so powerful that it not only affects people that are married, it affects people that are not married a lot, even a couple if you're interested in someone

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from the opposite sex and they happen to be speaking to another boy or girl that drives you nuts, right?

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Like, why is she giggling like, you know, like, you can take it, but when you get married, when you get married, now yours you you and your spouse owe it to each other to protect each other from that type of thing. Right? to not put each other in situations where you will feel jealousy like that. We will feel anger like that, because you're protecting each other's honor. you're protecting each other's emotions and feelings so important. The next verse really covers this in great detail. Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala says

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they are uploading for you and you are clothing for them. Now what is clothing do brothers and sisters

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it covers you I commend you for what why you wake loading

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it covers your shame, it covers things that you would not like other people to see isn't itself that's why we do this. Okay, why did we do this? What what are what are the other reasons that we that we wear clothing

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to protect ourselves from the cold or the heat depending on what it might be. We also wear clothing to make ourselves look attractive isn't itself to make ourselves feel good about the about ourselves. There will be recoding for that matter for that reason as well. So your spouse is a garment for you and you are in government with them so that you're supposed to protect them make them feel safe and secure like the way we feel when we are fully clothed. Like they're supposed to protect all of your thoughts.

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And your blemishes and your imperfections. This is who your spouse is supposed to be like, and this is who you're supposed to be for your spouse.

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So we find that Islam is he is encouraging us this this, this verse was revealed about sexual intimacy, but its implications for everything else. So profound. Yes, it's about sexual intimacy in the month of Ramadan. That's the sequence of the verse, the context. But the verse is also more importantly, about something deeper than that. Because physical intimacy isn't enough in a relationship. It isn't enough. You need that story. That is why people like in the in many cultures will sleep around girlfriends and boyfriends, they'll have one night sense, but they'll never be happy. Why? Because there's no emotional attachment. So physical intimacy isn't enough. So therefore

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in Islam, Allah subhanho wa Taala focuses on both both those aspects physical and emotional. That's what you need. That's what you need for a healthy relationship a healthy marriage. Last week, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Jamar Joshua, when I cry because I no longer from the Shabaab, but the profits or the loss of stadium after shut up Oh, you you young men and women like yourselves, right money so far, I mean komova definitely. So what were the amongst you is able to marry he has the desire he has the financial means the knitting bousso right. So in the who got born in bustle was sold for because it is data for you, that marriage helps you lower your gaze and

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protect your private parts. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said something very beautiful, he said, Whoever can guarantee for me, the tongues and the private parts, I will guarantee for the agenda. When you get married, you at least have one of those things protected in sha Allah who God but coming back to this honey Now, before I before I end the hobby, let me talk Let me ask, let me tell you why we know of this honey itself. Or if not even after you know him or the lover. You do know you push Allah, may Allah grant us to be in his company in gender. So he's talking to Abdullah and you must earn and since not everyone was old at the time, he's in his 70s he 70. So of mine says

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to him, you know, I have a daughter. I'll marry her to you because at the time, he was old wife had passed away. And he was he was single. So now obviously, CBD is all the hype. And so he says, I don't know that's not gonna work. Why? Because I heard the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam say, and then he quoted this Hadith, that Oh, you young people. Why? Because we as young people

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can do it myself anymore. But you as young people, right? sexual desire, wanting to be with the opposite sex, whether you know in any way shape or form is a strong motivator. It's a strong part of who you are your personality, your culture, and we can go on, but it's the young are more susceptible to it than people who are in their 50s and 60s and people.

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Right. So people, young, young people, teenagers, people in their 20s, they have a greater need to get married than those who are older. So the Prophet focuses on data doesn't mean that it doesn't apply to others, but mainly because he used the word shove up. So the word me was quoted as highlighted in yellow, and well understood that this is, you know, this is a good reason. So my goal is better off getting married to someone on age. Okay. The last part of the hobby says, woman, um, yesterday, I laid up so when whoever isn't able to get married, we'll talk about, you know, the implications of later, what does it actually mean? Does it mean only the physical desire to want to

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get married and the physical ability, you know, for sexual intercourse? Or is the Heidi talking about financial ability as well, like, you've got a brother who wants to get married, but he does. He's not working as a student here or anywhere else, okay. And he can't afford to take care of his wife and I'm going to ask you later inshallah, to give me ideas, I want to solve this problem, or at least I want to find certain solutions. So let's continue. So the provinces so that if you ever can't get married, isn't able shoot fast? Now there's a workshop we did. And the workshop says get married or Die fosston. Right, get married or die forcing. So in that workshop, we discussed this

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hadith and the Hadith says that if you can't get married, you should fast often. And this will be a shield for you For how long? Meaning that it will it will listen your sexual desire and you won't always be thinking about will always be thinking about getting married and fulfilling your desires. So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he is encouraging people to get married. So let's move on quickly to something very important.

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Is it compulsory in Islam to get married?

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So what is the ruling

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about marriage in itself.

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It's so now, what does it mean that sooner?

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The Prophet did it. So if you want to you can do it as well. And if it's certain that as me I get rewarded if I do it.

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Now the Prophet married nine wives, that's another note about this one later. And I get the legal equation that's over there somewhere. Right? He didn't the last on the last slide that only get killed before. Right. So we'll talk about that later. But sooner I think a better word brothers and sisters that we should become accustomed to using here because the Westerner has many connotations, a better word is the word mazahub. Right? Oh, man, dude, because that implies that it is recommended. And if you do it, you will be rewarded. And if you do not do it, you will not be held accountable, you will not be sinful. The word sadhana means everything The Prophet said everything

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he did all of his physical characteristics, all of his physic, all of his, you know, his, his characteristics, his traits, all of this will be included. His job is you know, he's not.

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He's biography will also be included under the term sooner. So another word, a better word to use, because we're talking about the thick ruling of marriage is the word Mr. overdue, which could be translated as being recommended something that is recommended. So the majority of the scholars have the view that marry to get married is Muslim.

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And, and the only time that it becomes compulsory upon you or anyone any Muslim to get married, is if he or she feels and fears that they will fall into a haram relationship. When I say our Amir was just talking about text messages, and a few dates where there's no physical contact, I speak about Xena, right? That's what I'm talking about. If you feel any Muslim fields, that they will fall into that kind of relationship, then they must get married, they must try everything in their power to get married. Right. But if anyone doesn't feel this way, then it is recommended that you get married. If you don't feel you're falling through Xena is recommended. And that is why later when we

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talk about you know, women that never get married or men that never get married, like you know many scholars, can anyone name scholars in Islam who never married

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Muhammad even humble Yeah. You know, Paul, you say it in English. You might say the my wife died today. I'll get married tomorrow. That's your height. So let's go to another scholars. inshallah. Lamia, you said someone heard someone say even though we yes even though we are offering Allah if you ever got married, you ever got married? Okay, and everything Mia rahimullah also never got married. And there are many scholars that never got married. These are just a few examples. These one she had a citizenship and wrote a book about all of the scholars males and females that never married. So it's not something that the Sharia contains the Sharia encourages marriage. The Prophet

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said get married because and have children because I want to be able to brag and boast about the number of myeloma and the death. I was my own mother to be the biggest so many marriages encouraged. But the point I want to make here is that we should not be criticizing people who choose not to get their

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cell is a man or woman that is staying away from how long they are not indulging in anything how long and they choose not to get married. It is not how long for them to stay single. Right? It only becomes how long they are indulging in Zina or anything that leads to Xena and then they refuse to get married that is when it becomes when it becomes a problem is that understood? Okay, you revisit this issue when we get we get the inshallah and we continue. Next slide.

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Okay, now how do I know that I need to get noticed we're talking now we are not talking anymore about why Jeep and booster have and my crew and all of those, you know those? those fancy victims? Now I want to know I want to get money. Alright, but how do I know that I really need to get there.

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Okay, so let me ask you questions quickly. What do you think, though? Let me ask the men first. What do you think is the most important condition or characteristic that a man should have? before he gets married?

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What if What are you what?

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Yes, Ella. Anyone else?

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What do you think you need to have as a man before you can get married? The most important thing

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show my friends at the university will love that one. Right? See, I've got it. You know, it's the most important thing. But something more something more. I want something. Give me an example from the sooner

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What is the what is the Prophet says the most important thing you need to have

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Okay, so put up their hand so that yes, just

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say hey.

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Okay, so you guys have religion man his character? Do you guys agree? Okay And what do you think the sisters need to have? What's the most important thing that she needs to have before she's ready for marriage?

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A good cook.

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How do you know? You don't know? You don't know she's a good cook, do you? Do you notice you'll notice when you get married? I do realize that it, you know, still late now.

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So it'll be takeout with it. So our lives

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are good here. We'll talk about that later.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he spoke about this, in the Hadith we quoted earlier, he said, Who ever have you but it's a thought I mean, Komal Alba, is not only one meaning of it, is the physical desire and ability to get mad, what is it mean that you can fulfill your spouse's sexual needs. And the second part of that is Alba meaning that you have the financial means to take care of that spouse, you can fulfill those material obligations towards them. And because the Prophet was necessarily addressing the men, this is the these are the two most important things from a

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physical desire, but also financial ability, right? These two things are important, but I don't only want to talk about that, because I have seen men that have both of those things, but do not make great spouses. So let me give you an example. The man Mashallah he's got physically he's fine financially is more than five, but he's spending five hours of his day playing, you know, Call of Duty or Halo I don't know what other what games are out now. And I he is, is an

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emotionally and his personality is a very immature he's a very immature person. He's not very responsible, isn't taking responsibility for his life yet. He is yes, he has one he works I know people, Mashallah. Very good money. But I if someone came to me and said, I want you to find a husband for my daughter, I that's the last person I would look at. Even though he's earning a very good salary, I wouldn't recommend that. Okay, now, what we also need to discuss is not only financial ability now, before, okay, before I before I mentioned this, this, this this issue, let's just talk about what that means financial ability.

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Because I think in our minds, we think that this is something that you know, it means while he's earning, like 10,000 ringgit a month and, you know, he's got, like, you know, like, we grow less. Have you seen matrimonials, where they have a list of things they want from a husband or wife in Alabama, he, you know,

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I'm thinking when I read this, I'm like, you're never gonna get married. I know, a brother that has proposed No, that has gone to visit 19 goals.

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I, and I know a girl that has received more than 10 proposals, but in the meantime, she says no.

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Okay. And then the parents come to me asking me to help him, I gotta know, what do you want me to do?

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Like, what are they waiting for? Like, this is a problem, because they are waiting for someone to like a prince charming, or Princess, like Cinderella to walk into the room, right? And you're always going to be waiting for that. Right? Your spouse is going to have imperfections, they are going to have things that you don't like about it that I can guarantee, you're going to be things that bug you no matter how much you love him or her. Right? Trust me on this one, right? You might not agree with me. Now you might think you know, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. And you may be like, but the point I want to make it easy, trust me that you're going to find things about him or

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her that you don't like, right? You need to move past that because you're more mature than that. Right? And if you don't like something about your spouse, you will find 20 things that you do like and you do love, right, your spouse will become like an ocean, a few mistakes, if you you know, imperfections will drown in the ocean of the good that they have. Always think of it like that. Unless your spouse has done something. I mean, so how to like thumbs up the shot. Yeah, that is absolutely unforgivable, at least for you as a person, not in the sight of Allah, then that's a different discussion. Then you come to me and we do marriage counseling. We'd like to save your

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marriage. I hope that never happens. maila I never want to see any of you for counseling and jealousy. I mean,

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you should never be happy.

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You never go to a counselor ever, right? Unless you want to do something else, okay? But

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financial ability does not mean that we have a lot of money that we are extremely wealthy. It means sometimes this happens. The man's earning just enough and you know, you should take care of his wife. Because the family has set like a certain a certain level that he needs to have before he can marry her. This is very difficult for the two of them. How many times have girls or women you know, they've come to my office and they say that we will find *. We don't we don't mind living, you know, below the standard of living here we are living now. Okay, but we really want to get married and the parents say no. And they are these girls Mashallah. They really have serious and mature,

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they educated they really want to get married, but because their parents have set the bar too high, they can't get married. So we need to we need to realize is there any parents here? Think about that. Talk to your parents about that. Think about it for yourself. Like what kind of sacrifices will you make? Let me give an example. Like if you now in your parents home you're enjoying internet if you get married your husband or your wife their husband here called the fourth pay for internet is that a problem for you?

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Let's say you eating chicken and meat every day I'll share something with you. Hey Mama Noah we have it nice book that a man should when it comes to nataka you should only buy his wife two sets of clothing once

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one set of clothing for summer I was it the clothing for a winter when I read this? I was like, Yes. This is amazing. Mashallah. But I wasn't married, but he knows how we think that I even know is vital. And that you should only your wife only have two meals a day of video I'm saving here. And you should only she should only you should. She's only entitled to meet once or twice a week, like chicken or whatever. Right? Wow, man, we need to spread this knowledge. This is important knowledge. Right? This is genuine knowledge. But even now we're talking a lot. He's talking about the seventh century in Damascus, Syria. Okay, he's not talking about quantum okay. Okay, down in the 21st

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century or in the 15th Islamic century, right? Our culture is different. Our expectations are different. The share is why the Sharia does not stipulate how much you are supposed to spend on your on your wife. It is determined roughly by your culture and your customs. Okay, like it's very, very clear on that. So when you get married, you do not have certain expectations. Like if you married someone from Cape Town, you know, we only have one meal a day. Right? So you should be expecting only one unit. And I was just joking. We don't have a couch yet. But you see where I'm going with this? Right? So keep that in mind when we talk about financial ability. And you ask yourself, if you

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want to get married? How much are you prepared to sacrifice to get married? So my question to you is, if you are a student, and the person that you want to get married is also a student. Both of you are depending on your families for financial support during your studies until you graduate, and you get married. The question is, should you get married now? Or should you wait until you graduate and then get married?

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Yes, but what if your father says to you, then who's paying for that?

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I'm not paying for that. Like, especially with it with the men because it's our responsibility to take care of our lives. So if I went and I told my father that I want to get married while I'm a student, which did happen. The first thing my parents said to me is how are you going to take care of and I'll share this with you. When I was a student in Medina, our allowance outstripping was 842 riyals a month. When I got married, I took my wife to Medina, our rent was 542 miles a month, my wife and I lived off 300 miles a month. Okay. And I think about it now, Silverado law, I don't know how we did it, but hamdulillah we did it. Okay. The question that you're going to have to face is,

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if you want to get married, how much are you prepared to give up and sacrifice so you can and secondly, my question, actually, is that my suggestion would be that if you want to get married while your students, tell your parents you want to get married, then your father takes care continues to take care of you and the mother, his mother or her parents continue to continue to take care of her financial needs. And you have an agreement that as soon as you graduate and you start working, that the support will no longer will no longer be Did you understand what I'm saying? So let's say your mom sending you 1000 ringgit a month right and sending her 1000 ringgit a month.

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Okay? Just saying I'm saying I like you like

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What can you do with 1000? ringgit shift? You know, 1000 ringgit isn't a lot of money, etc. But let's assume, let's assume. So you continue like that you move into a place together, very, you know, inexpensive place. And you plan that as soon as you graduate that as soon as your parents no longer agree to take care of, you know, you have to copy the clip of the chef, he also called. And indeed, he says that, you know, when my son gets married, and I say the same, you know, I joke with my son now he's seven years old. I said, as soon as you 12 you're getting married, right? No, no, no, no, no, actually, I changed it. Now. Now I say I, the minute I see you look at when I see you

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look at the girl, because the next day,

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that's my new thing. If I see my son, look at the girl, like, you know, look at the girl that just hours ago, like look at a girl, he's going to get married easier.

00:30:56--> 00:31:14

But that's what I'm gonna do. Yeah, shift. He also thought he said the same thing. He said that as soon as my son gets to an age where he wants to get married, I will support him financially. Why? Because I know what it was like when I was 18. And I said, this happened to me also, when I went to my parents when I was 18. And I told him, I want to get married. This was the response.

00:31:18--> 00:31:22

My father lost, I don't see my father lost like that my entire life.

00:31:24--> 00:31:54

So this is the response that you're gonna, you're gonna get one a few shock and disbelief like what and maybe anger or you will get that response a lot last year, okay. So we need to be we need to have a plan when we approach our parents with this, okay, you will say we will, even if you so stay on separate dorms, right or in separate, you still stay with your parents, and they and he or she still stays with, you know, with the parents, but you are married, which means that in the aspect of your relationship is

00:31:56--> 00:32:14

okay, you can hold hands, you can indulge in all the physical, you know, parts of a marriage. If you had children in that marriage, they would be legitimate they would be your children, right? Even if you got divorced later, that what time you did spend together was Halliwell and pleasing to Allah, what what we have now?

00:32:15--> 00:32:55

Okay, I cannot tell you how many marriages I've had to officiate in Cape Town with a girl was pregnant before she got married. Before they got married. It's so common in our city, in our country. I was in Mumbai. huge problem there as well, right? I don't know what the extent of the problem is here in Malaysia. But I'm going to guess that if it is the right it does happen. It might be but it does. Why? Because parents have this attitude. And we don't have a plan. Everything else in your life, you plan out martial law, your studies your career, right? Think about this as well. So my suggestion, if you want to, if you don't like it, you know, think of something else, if you

00:32:55--> 00:33:33

like it, but you think it is insufficient add to it as well. But my suggestion is if you are a student, and she is a student, and you want to get married, you like each other, they suggest this to your parents, even if you're not living together 24 seven, then at least you have a new car, you are married, right? It would be better if you were living together already. But if you can't, as much within the kind of relationships that the youth are engaging in, engaging in now. Okay. So this is my suggestion to you. And if you want to what I do in Cape Town, I let the husband and the wife and the parents sign a document a contract, that the Father, the father, these are the mothers or

00:33:33--> 00:33:43

the family's financial support will come to an end at a particular date, or when a particular situation has been reached, like employment. So that means

00:33:44--> 00:34:18

that you know that in four years time, when I graduate six months after the date of my graduation, my father will stop paying for my goals and will stop giving me an allowance, right? You have it on paper, and everyone is committed to that. Everyone knows that that is what is going to happen. Not a verbal agreement with people, right. And you can manipulate your father or your mother into continuing it because you haven't reached that stage of maturity. And you haven't taken responsibility for your own actions. But this is my suggestion. Okay. Now, let's talk about some other things. emotional maturity, one of the things that people have to realize is many people are

00:34:18--> 00:34:49

knowledgeable about the topic of marriage, but they are not knowledgeable, knowledgeable about the psychology of marriage. What does this mean? How many men get married, how many women get married, and they don't understand men or women. You're all familiar. Now let me not bring this up. But there's always this thing where people say, especially men, they say, don't try to understand women will never look will never happen. And I and and women say things like oh, you know men, simple minded creatures, you know, too easy to understand, give us a challenge, right.

00:34:51--> 00:34:59

But the point I want to make here is not to get into that debate or to discuss it in detail, but to come to this conclusion. The The point is

00:35:00--> 00:35:33

We don't know each other, we can, we can joke about it, we can have debates about it. But the reality is that you do not know when you get married as a man, you do not know what women need, what they like. And I'm just talking about talking in a very general sense here. But the basic emotional needs and wants, and women do not understand that about me. How many women when they get married, let me share this with the sisters. Many women when they get married, they don't understand why their husband requires to have sexual intercourse. So often.

00:35:34--> 00:35:47

It's like, what's wrong with you? Is this abnormal? You know, do I do I need to take into a doctor, if she doesn't understand? And you'll be surprised how many couples have you know, the wife was like,

00:35:48--> 00:36:27

what's wrong with you? I'm like, there's nothing wrong with him. He's just at your idea. She because in the movies, it's always candlelight, right? It's always off the dinner, it's always up to something romantic. Okay, and Muslim men grow up with the idea that, you know, when many men when they get married, they think, Wow, it's gonna happen every day, you know, 20 times a day even. Okay, but no, this is it, this is the reality. And if I don't discuss this with you, you are ready to get married, and you're going to be amazed, right? Perhaps even saddened by the reality, okay, that it isn't the way that you expect it. And how many men how many women get married, and they think their

00:36:27--> 00:36:41

husbands are going to treat the martial law, there's always going to be romantic, and he's always going to open the door for me. And, you know, he's always gonna say loving things to me and put cards around the house and bring me flowers and fiery chocolates. So after for six months,

00:36:42--> 00:37:24

a lot of the six months, no one's gonna happen because of his of his frequent sexual advances. And the fact that you are not reciprocating his ability to, you know, to be like that is going to be diminished. Because he feels disappointed. He feels crushed, that I had all of these expectations, but it's not happening like that. And then you are going to find not only now is essential, advanced is going to be irritating, and disgusting and ugly, but because it's devoid of any emotion devoid of any romance, right? And so what is going to happen now is you're going to drift apart, right? And you're always going to be like, you know, for lack of a better word, you know, everyone's gonna be

00:37:25--> 00:37:54

gonna be on edge, right? Now. And also, the thing about couples is they don't like to communicate, they can't speak honestly to each other about the issues that they're having. So it boils and becomes, you know, a bigger issue. And as it grows, you know, if you don't stop it, if you don't, it's like a cancer. If you don't catch it early, sometimes it's too late to get rid of how many couples that I counsel when they come into my office, and they say, one of them, or both of them? We don't love each other anymore? Or I don't love her. I don't love him.

00:37:56--> 00:37:58

How long are you married? Four years.

00:37:59--> 00:38:37

So how long has this been going on? When the problem saw, that's how I like to solve when I counsel right to go like to do my first my first session is always a case study. Right? When you get married, you know each other before you got married? You know, when did the first problem start? You know, when you when you argue? Is it? Is it? Is it always vulgar? Or is it? No, it's a nice contagious raising of the voices, those type of things. Okay, and then we get into the actual problems, period has it made you need to understand each other before you get married? And we need to have more courses and workshop just on this, we need on the peak of marriage? Because yes, I know

00:38:37--> 00:39:00

that I should take care of you. And you know, that I should spend on you. Okay, and I know that even if you are cooking and I call you This is the husband speaking now that you should come to the bedroom. Right? You know that I know that. But he said that easy to people just switch on and off like that is right. especially women don't think like that men. Yeah, Salah.

00:39:02--> 00:39:40

They don't need anything, you know, just a random thought is enough. with women, it's not like that. And you need to understand, okay, your wife brothers, is going to be a few days of the month that she will not be you can't have intercourse with her, and she will not be interested at all. So we will know the total opposite of that. Right? The total opposite of that. So you will need to understand this. You need to understand the kind of challenges that await us as women or wife going forward out of being our sexuality because it's so relevant, but also there could be many other aspects. Your spouse wants you to be able to listen to them, right to really pay attention to the

00:39:40--> 00:39:59

feelings and the emotions. Because we say that a spouse is a garment. If you don't have that feeling of security and how Where are you going to find the brothers and sisters? Tell me if you don't feel if you can only tell your wife or your husband about you know, some something amazing or something really horrible that happened today and just empty out your heart, your soul

00:40:00--> 00:40:41

We are you going to find that? Right? If I did outside with your friends or even worse, outside of the marriage completely with someone, you are you are not narrative. Okay? And I've seen this more than enough times without me to even bring in the research. Do you know that more than 50% of adult, adult escalate cases in in America happened between colleagues at work? So the question was asked by the researchers Why, why is it that if I go to work every day, and I'm around, you know, these sisters or these women or these women around the men, why is it that there's always this chance to slow you know, for adultery? You know, what they found? There is not necessarily that that person is

00:40:41--> 00:41:04

more attractive than my wife or my husband? No, it's because I'm able to connect with that person emotionally. Like, I am not able to connect with my husband or my wife, we share the same interests. When I when I reach a milestone at work, that person is happy for me, when I go home to my wife with my husband, they couldn't care less, I will say, Oh, you did one of the tests, or you did well at work, and you got a promotion.

00:41:06--> 00:41:44

Exciting, okay, but the person at work was like, Wow, really, I knew you were going to get it. Because he's so great. And they they lift you up and they appeal to your, to your feelings of you know, you want to feel self esteem, you want to feel confidence go up, you want to feel appreciated. And so if you don't have that in your in your marriage, you will find that somewhere else. So please, my dear brothers and sisters, try not only to understand the logic of marriage, but also understand the psychology of marriage. That's the psychology of your spouse, okay? Understand the wants and the needs, understand what men expect from a marriage, what women expect from a marriage.

00:41:44--> 00:42:27

So when you have that, you will be complementing each other. Let me tell you something, brothers. Right. Yes, generally speaking, men have a greater desire for sexual intercourse than women do, generally speaking. So if you know that your wife needs that extra emotional, you know, maybe like something like just the emotional support people that she's beautiful and attractive, being told that, you know, that she makes you know, you love her, and I don't know what you call it, your pumpkin or whatever she finds whatever she thinks is, you know, is romantic by pumpkin, but I was gonna say something I'd rather not. Right. But if you know, that is how you need to be so that your

00:42:27--> 00:42:32

wife is more receptive sexually, they will not do it.

00:42:33--> 00:43:18

Right. And if women knew that, if they were to get their husbands to be more emotionally supportive, they needed to take care of the sexual desires more than women not do it. They weren't and everyone's winning here isn't itself. Everyone's winning. Right? Then it but if you enter marriage with this understanding, instead of having to learn it 10 or 20 years later, it is much much better. Okay? it's much much better. Men can be more romantic, they can be more, you know, emotionally available and receptive. They can have more affection and love when the sexual needs are being fulfilled. And women can be more affectionate and loving and sexual. If the emotional needs are

00:43:18--> 00:43:35

awful. Okay, and if you know that then be happy. Right? Can we move on that would be support I've covered already so let's let's talk about okay. So what should I be looking for in a spouse? So I want to get married right? You see a show of hands who wants to get married?

00:43:36--> 00:43:37

Why am I putting my hand up?

00:43:39--> 00:43:48

So who wants to get married? So I we are going to start inshallah with the IRA very soon perhaps in the month of April a marriage facilitation

00:43:49--> 00:44:05

program project. Okay. Is anyone attended? It was a faith conference in Macau. You have Did you see the Manage facilitation booth that they had in that area? Now think of that on a bigger scale? Okay, that's what we want to do when we get people ready to show love.

00:44:06--> 00:44:15

But the point I want to make here is that if I'm looking for someone I want to get married, then what should I be looking for the first and most important thing is Dean

00:44:16--> 00:44:17

What do we mean by Dean?

00:44:20--> 00:44:24

When I say Dean religion what what comes to mind?

00:44:25--> 00:44:26

What do you think of

00:44:27--> 00:44:28

Islam? Okay.

00:44:30--> 00:44:34

But what is practicing need? Okay, so the guys that have been

00:44:35--> 00:44:46

like, and the girls have any good job, she might even be ready Nicola. Mashallah. Is that is that that is that? Is that being? They play this on? Okay, excellent. What else?

00:44:48--> 00:44:59

are they staying away from harm avoiding allies as made hot off? Now let me ask you this question. Is there a difference between someone being religious and someone being righteous

00:45:01--> 00:45:02


00:45:04--> 00:45:20

that's a good question. What do you think? Is the difference between being religious and being righteous is a difference? What is the difference? I think people are afraid to raise their hands you know what's happening? Huh?

00:45:22--> 00:45:28

What do you think? If you have an itis then what does that mean? If I'm religious, what does it mean?

00:45:30--> 00:45:32

Is it the same? I say no.

00:45:33--> 00:45:35

I say no, this is why

00:45:37--> 00:45:51

you just religious means the person outwardly appears to be the right Mashallah got a beard waiting a job waiting in Avaya waiting job titles on outcomes.

00:45:52--> 00:46:38

type of salon again, you know, Alicia may minds, you know, at least in the mind's eye masala again, you know, and the person is only a certain way because that is what is expected from them. Because the idea they grew up that way, you know, it was like that, right? Or this is what they know, you know, let's say they do end some degree. So they are expected to appear a certain way. And it just means as the brothers and sisters have mentioned, that I'm fully committed what I am and what I will, everything about me, is geared to pleasing Allah Subhana Allah. So every righteous person is religious, or not every religious person is, is righteous. Okay, so when I'm looking for a spouse,

00:46:38--> 00:47:22

I'm looking for righteous, someone who what they say what they found, translates into the actions and it translates into the because into their hearts into everything that they do is Islam. Right? It's not something they do as a hobby, something they do on the weekend, something they do, like, you know, when we have functions like these or workshops and courses, that's when I become pious with the rest of the week or the months you know, my lifestyle is nothing but you know, nothing except for someone who happens to look like they might be practicing, like, character is a direct descendant, a product almost of this, that Islam is gonna do is going to mold your character to the

00:47:22--> 00:48:06

mobile is going to mold who you are, how you interact with other people. The fact that when you get angry, you control your anger. Johanna I had the pleasure of meeting him a few weeks, a few years ago in South Africa for a knowledge hive. And Mashallah, he's even funnier in real life than he was and that is extremely fun as well. But the last study that he quoted is just an example of character. The powerful strong person is not the person who is strong in wrestling, right, but is the person who is able to control his anger, when he becomes angry when she becomes angry. This is what you will look for in your spouse, the person who has the ability to control themselves and

00:48:06--> 00:48:12

their emotions, their anger, you know the the desires, the

00:48:13--> 00:48:38

you know, everything which Allah subhanho wa Taala has made how long your spouse has the necessary traits to protect themselves from the interaction with people affection love, the prophet said that we should marry women that are fertile and that are loving now the question is how do you know this right brothers out you know, how do you know that your future wife Mashallah is going to give birth of many children and that's us median loving

00:48:41--> 00:48:41


00:48:44--> 00:49:01

Okay, so first how you look at her mother and her sisters, etc, are the mothers got seven children and, you know, the sisters each have at least four or five children, Mashallah as a big family. And that's how we know that she's fertile, but how do you know your future wife is going to be loving?

00:49:07--> 00:49:10

So if she's righteous, she will be loving.

00:49:13--> 00:49:21

What do you say you agree with that? If a If a woman is pious and righteous automatically that means that she's going to be loving Is this true?

00:49:24--> 00:49:34

I mean, I could give you examples from the time of the son of earliest Muslims, where people were righteous but yet they were very harsh. Right, Mr. Sharp he used to have a dog

00:49:35--> 00:49:43

and one his dog died. And he said in the law he in it Roger, cause Martin levy can

00:49:44--> 00:49:45

borrow for you is

00:49:47--> 00:49:59

the one who used to enjoin the good and forbid the evil has passed away. So they asked me What do you mean? Oh, he said, No, he's to keep the people away from my house, especially those pesky students that used to come and ask me questions.

00:50:00--> 00:50:16

Right. And easily mama great subhana wa superpi is you know, righteous and knowledgeable. But this is our This is the kind of character that he had. That is why our Noma at least in the books about seeking knowledge and the etiquettes of seeking knowledge how to deal with a difficult

00:50:18--> 00:50:58

a difficult teacher how you deal with a difficult teacher. Like you know a teacher that's very often tough and very stern and stick. How do you deal with that? You just have sobre se will tell you Are you dumb? Stupid then my five year old tell him get this you know, you're not getting this, right. like okay, I do not understand this is you know, things coconut, right? This happens you get features like this. These are not supposed to be like this, but you have to prepare yourself for me to meet people like this your spouse, you look for someone not like this, right? Someone doesn't have these characteristics. How do you know a woman is loving? You're gonna love you love her

00:50:58--> 00:51:29

children. You just you know, you you know sometimes you just have that intuition. You could ask about it. This is the actually the best way. Right? Ask other women or ask her family members or her friends about her. Like how is she with children? That she gets angry a lot? Does he get angry a lot? Does he like children? You know, some people don't like children, people find him you know, get a tasty bite some people got you know, it doesn't matter. The baby could vomit on them. They love that as well. Is it itself? married women? You know, the baby vomits out there? Oh, that's so cute.

00:51:30--> 00:51:52

Right? That happened. So the point I want to make it he's asked us well, I this is your future. This is what you're going to get married. This was going to be the mother or the father of your children. Insha Allah, you owe it to yourself and a happy marriage that you know as much about them and the character and the deen as possible. Right. I want to share something else with you before we move on.

00:51:54--> 00:52:06

Yes, physical attraction is important. That goes without saying the Prophet encourages garbage in and it is by about there is nothing when the Prophet spoke to the Sahabi. The the time up.

00:52:07--> 00:52:13

Can I just finish this slide? Right? I promise you will end in 20 minutes. But

00:52:17--> 00:52:36

the bottom line was that I've asked this a hobby. Did you see her meeting that you propose? But he didn't see her yet? Okay, so the problem is I asked him, did you see her? You said no, I didn't see it said go and see her. Because it is more likely that you will have that attraction, that what's the word?

00:52:37--> 00:52:40

But the feeling you know, I'm looking for a different word.

00:52:41--> 00:53:21

That mutual mutual attraction. I'm just gonna go with that now. But I don't have time for my brain to clicking. So beautiful attraction. So I like you, you would like me just on the basis of of what we saw. Right? We don't i don't know anything much about you besides that, but when I look at you, I am pleased and when you look at me, you are pleased. That's what you want at the beginning. Okay, that's physical attraction. Some men unfortunately want to know the color of E. Our long is it? how short is it? That's unnecessary. Okay, the only thing that you want to know about is he pleasing to look at and what she wants to know is easy pleasing to look at. How many people don't get married

00:53:21--> 00:53:25

because they are waiting for a supermodel? And I

00:53:27--> 00:54:12

like to click used to say he's waiting for a supermodel in a job. Right? You're waiting for that brother? I don't know. Okay. Lastly, common interest? And most importantly, yes, you have been Yes, you have character. Yes, you have physical attraction. But you also want to have common interest. This is very important for a happy marriage. If not that you both share them. They should at least be support for my interest. like myself, I love martial arts, right? I love going to the gym three, four times a week and spending a few hours a day, you know, and listening and doing boxing and kickboxing and how they love my wife supports that. Right? She doesn't have a problem with it. But I

00:54:12--> 00:54:50

imagine I wanted to do that. And she said no unnecessary. You want me to deal with the kids every night while you're gone? And, you know, so I will start to resent her for that. And what if she wanted to do something she wants to go on a Saturday she wants to do an out of eco Islamic course she wants to go to courses like these, or she wants to do something you know that she loves rather than No, no, no, I don't have time to babysit the kids. Nothing crazy. No, I love the whole week and go to the gym. And you want me to babysit the kids on the weekend or the builder? No, no way. Right. So if you want your marriage to be happy, then you're going to have you support each other.

00:54:51--> 00:54:59

support each other the lovely. It's even better if you both love the same stuff. Right? But you love knowledge. You will

00:55:00--> 00:55:42

love our you love reading whatever it might be you love hiking, you love scuba diving, whatever it might be, if your smile she's at with you, man, that's great, right? But if you don't, let's say you don't understand why your husband would need to go and play football with his friends. Right? Bunch of men running off to the bowl, right? Like what's fascinating about that, but you as alive even though you don't like it yourself supportive, right? Obviously there are limits you might as well go and go out like every night and maybe spend time with you but he will know that because of what we spoke about earlier, right? So if you don't have the same common interests or the common interests,

00:55:42--> 00:55:58

all that should say then at least support each other in the ones that your spouses do have. Okay, and inshallah data. These are the four things you want to look for. There are many other things to talk about, but we don't have enough time when we get back into our low dollar. We'll talk about some other things that come along

00:56:00--> 00:56:00

with the money.

00:56:01--> 00:56:21

No, no, no, no, the Bible said yeah, Mashallah Shabaab Shabaab starts in your teen years, man goes all the way until 53. So that applies to anyone money so far. I mean, the prophecy not stipulated he stipulated physical and financial means whenever you have that you should be getting