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Desires – A Crash Course on Relationships – 05

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Tariq Appleby

Channel: Tariq Appleby

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Episode Transcript

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Bismillah so here's a question about some insecurity before getting married. So to summarize it, and I'll, you know, just take a few things

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that

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people are always feeling, you know, unsure. And this is normally, like, when you're gonna move into a new phase of your life with a B, like you're leaving high school to go to university, you're moving from one city to go to another, you starting a new job, you're getting married, your wife's expecting, you know, there's all phases of our lives that we go through. So there's always going to be a feeling of insecurity, a feeling that I'm not ready yet, you know, a feeling that I don't think that this is the best thing for me right now, I'm a bit scared, you know, am I really going to do this? Well, like I'm starting a new job, you know, am I going to be

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someone that is able to handle the pressure of that new job, etc, etc. And so this is normal. And that's the first thing. The second thing is that you have to strive to do your best in everything that you do, right? Whether you're starting a new job, new school, whatever it might be, you're getting married, like the question says, You should not be so concerned about what people are going to think, or about any insecurities that you might have. Focus instead of though on those things that are within the sphere of your influence, what you can work on what you can get better at what you can bring to the table. Those are the things that you need to focus on in marriage, it needs to

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be about what is most pleasing to Allah subhanho wa Taala, what do I need to do to become the best spouse possible? What can I do to make our situation better? What can I do to minimize the issues and the negativity, that's what you need to focus on, that that's the only thing that you can do, you cannot be responsible for your husband or your wife losing the job, or for your husband's bad mood at the end of the day or your wife's bad mood. But what you can be is that you can be supportive, that you can be patient, you can be forbearing, you can be the most supportive spouse possible, right? You can at certain times, you know, neglect some of your own rights, just you know,

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and sacrifice them for the sake of your spouse. But be let me warn you about something before I continue that not at the expense of your happiness only at the expense of some temporary issue in your life right now. Right? Don't ever give up that many people stay married for the for the sake of of saving face. Many people stay married because of their children, right? And this is unhealthy. And this is something that you should avoid, rather deal with the issues before we get to this point. So my advice to this person who wrote this, this question is that focus instead of what you can do, I don't focus on what you can't do what you can't influence because you have no control over

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that. You have no control over how much money you will earn, you have no control over the rain, you have no control over the unseen, the future, you have no control over the over that you have only control over your own emotions over your own resources and what you can bring to the table and what you can do so focus on those things. And lastly, always put your trust in Allah subhanho wa Taala make to our to him trust him for Allah subhanho wa Taala will always give you an almost no code.

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For Raja and whoever fears Allah, He will make a way out for that person. If you have Taqwa Allah will always give you an out will always give you a means out of any bad situation. While Zuko will hide

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this evil, I will provide for you from from from places and means you couldn't have imagined. So hello, once I was in Medina, I told you when I was married, you know, in Saudi Arabia and Medina, my allowance was 842 and sometimes that wouldn't be enough. So when I would be in the Prophet's Masjid, I would make two I'd say yeah, Allah, this is my situation. You know, I wanted to get married, I married No, but you know, we don't have enough money to last until the end of the month for food, etc. And I would like to add Oh, you know, give us of your is to provide for us to handle. You know, there's so many of so many examples I can give you But one day, I'm in the huddle and I'm making dua

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and I'm like, you know, I'm always disappointed that we don't either I get money from some way somehow and I've already asked my parents and my parents got to help me they also struggling and it was tough as well. Five minutes later, the South African man he sees me day and you know, we I was sitting was normally with South African students, you know, we would gather and so he's like, Are you from South Africa? I'm like, yeah, you student Mashallah. I mean like we talking like for 30 minutes, then as he leaves he gives me 500 years

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right?

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500 drills. Now I, there's so many times where that happened. But it's so hard All right, don't don't you trust Allah subhanho wa Taala you work hard, you make sure you put in all the effort. Like you saw that the other day, you wanted a scholarship, you know, you needed a certain GPA you needed, you know, certain things to happen. And then what did he do? Did he did he just make do I'd hope you know that somehow, you know, he's 3.07 is gonna 32 or 3.85. You know, did you just sit there and hope with it? No, he put in hours and hours of studying and work. It's a lot easier than he is now. You and I have to be the same. Do the work and put the trust in Allah subhanho wa Taala. Right,

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that's you do what you can and leave the rest to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Okay, so when you get married, don't fit too much about those things, but work hard on making your relationship successful in Java. If a Muslim and a non Muslim like each other? Which side? Should they change their religion? Okay, valid question happens all the time. Right? If I asked you now, how many Muslim Malaysians have left Islam to marry non Muslim Malaysians or foreigners? Would you be able to dimension people? examples? Maybe content but in KL it's

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so common, just this week, I dealt with the case like that, you know, Chinese Chinese brother, and he is Muslim. He accepted Islam A while ago and he wants to marry a sister from my country, maybe Japan or Korea somewhere. But she's not a Muslim. So he's asking me, you know, I mean, I really like her. So do I leave Islam? Or does she become a Muslim? Same question, same question. So the obviously the issue is that you give Dawa to that person, right? That person becomes a Muslim,

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the ayah that we quoted that I did the beginning about you know why it's not visible today, that I also includes the permissibility of a Muslim men getting married to a Christian or Jewish woman? Yes. Are you familiar with that? But there are conditions, right? There are conditions. Two of them would be that the person is actually Christian, many people if I asked you all Americans, Christian, what would you say?

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Well, a lot of people have that perception. They consider that the UK and America and Sweden and Germany to be Christian countries that every person is not a Muslim is automatically a Christian. So if someone gets married to Kathy, a Muslim gets ready to Kathy, people think oh, that's fine. But Kathy is an atheist. Right? Kathy is a Buddhist get is a Hindu. That is not what the IRS needs the I speaking about a practicing Christian, a real a Christian who's practicing the religion and laws need that person is chaste. Meaning that person does not is not indulging in any harm relations. Right? So if a Muslim man wants to marry a Christian with you, those are the two conditions but

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coming back to this question, you give Dawa to that person, you invite a person to Islam, if that person refuses to become a Muslim doesn't want to become a Muslim. My advice is to move on. Right? I know it's difficult to lie, I've I've seen this I've dealt with it right? It's difficult, but you will never be successful like that. And you will never be happy you are you're either going to have your own personal problems, or you're going to have problems with your family. Right? You're gonna have problems with your community, people in your culture, it's always gonna weigh on you it's always gonna cause friction between you and that person that you are now with. Okay, so don't do it

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that way. If you want to be with someone that person must be Muslim that person mushy you Deen machine your aspirations and your goals that is going to make a happy marriage then if both sides don't want to take change in religion what should they do? I've already answered that why are these Christians who learn can we perform the Salah if we

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cannot perform the Salah if I if I don't know who I'm going to get very few

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okay

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so so rather this decaro is to be made of the you have made a decision not before that is what general is for so you say if you don't know about if you don't know anyone you're not interested in anyone but you want to get married. This is a general drop, Oh Allah, I want to get married. I will let God be a pious husband you know that 60 v attractive you know, that has lots of money you know it has excellent character, etc, etc. To make the same are very beautiful, etc, etc, etc. Right as a general but it's the horror is when you I have made a decision. So I've made the system. I like everything about this. So now I go and I make do out.

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I've done the work. I've asked her out. I've asked questions people have given me their advice, and I've decided that you

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I want to marry Khadija. So now I make it staccato is the hora means this is to the de Allahumma in Kandahar, the amo right and then you mentioned what it is the words before the job very Khadija Oh Allah if Marian Khadija this affair is good for me, then facilitate it for me and make it easy for me and place Baraka in it for me, and Oh Allah, if it is bad for me and bad for my dunya and for my Akela they keep me away from eat and eat away from me. So what is this out? What is this do I tell us that the decision has already been they write is the harder you make after you've decided you want to go to i, i you aim you want to go to another university you want to you know, you want to

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take this job or that job. That's when you make a staccato after you have chosen not when you have 50 options in front of you. Right? You choose something and then you make a staccato, if it is good for you, Allah will facilitate it for you. And if it is bad for you, Allah will keep you away from it and eat away from from you. Then the next part of the question, we are encouraged to at least have a look at us.

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If we look at them first and we feel attracted to him due to looks, wouldn't we be biased in the first place? No, you wouldn't. Right? Because if you make a mistake or office, you will be neutral and not bias. No, the shoddy I want you to look first, right?

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The Sharia wants you to look first and then you make a decision. Also, when you go to propose you already have something in mind, isn't it?

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When you go to see a sister, especially the brothers here, oh, we didn't cover this.

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I'll come back again. Can I come back?

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So if I come back when I come back online as best they will cover this but you know most of the time in propose that we amend but we can also propose to MIT that's fine. What's the proof of this anyway?

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The Asia and also a woman in Medina, she came to the prophet and she said she basically offered herself in marriage to the Prophet. So the Imam deduce from this the permissibility of a woman proposing to a righteous man, okay, to a man that she feels is suitable as a husband. That's permissible as well. Not she did it in public. So that's another issue. So there's no secret emails and WhatsApp messages, etc. She did it in public, you know where everyone could see. And that was that. Okay? So the Sharia wants you to see, because when you see you can now proceed. Okay, if you don't know anything about the person, what you're making is default a phone is no attraction, and

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there's no mutual feeling. So what are you actually asking for? When is that what I'm saying? Right? So it is basically that you see, and then you make is, how can I convince the person I want to marry to convince his or her parents to give permission for inter racial marriage between us.

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Okay, like I said, if you're interested in someone, find out if they are interested in you as well, then I will immediately move on to step number. Number two, find out if you can get married. So tell this person that we want to get married. So ask your parents, I'll ask my parents, and then we'll base it on that if they don't agree, then you move on to Step three, which is move on and ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to assist you to help you and to help you with you know, any any heartbreak or heartache or sadness that you might feel because of that, right. But if someone is interested in you, and wants to marry you, then if they are genuine about it, they will make the effort to try to

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convince the parents, always keep that in mind. Someone who is sincere is not going to string you along. I say that again. A sincere righteous brother or sister is not going to keep you waiting, not going to keep you guessing not going to keep you you know, just you know suspended and floating along. right because they think that you're interested in them know, right make it very clear what you're interested in. I want to get married. I want to play these games. I don't want to drag this out. I want to get I want to get married so be very clear about what it is that you want. I will convince you

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Oh man, you're right. I spoke about this before but I showed you how you can get your make your parents ready. I'll just summarize it make sure you hit the oil first. I'm in a relationship with someone we both understand that we have to limit communicate communication but now the thing is why we think you limit the communication or you don't limit the communication The end result is the same.

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You are emotionally invested in this person. Right within you send one WhatsApp Messenger they have one email a week that I have

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Make one phone call, you know, if you there is you're emotionally invested in this person, the ultimate expression of this emotional investment is you're going to find it in marriage. Don't waste time. Right? If you like someone being with that person get married. Right? Why wait? Right? convince your parents speak to who you need to speak to? Why would you torture yourself like that? Oh, I'm asking you a genuine question from the bottom of my heart. All I love you all for the sake of Allah. Why would you torture yourself like that? If you like someone didn't get married? You didn't you can be with that person all the time. Right? We do need to sneaking messages around. No

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need for hiding. No need for Oh, delete messages quickly before your father your mother sees, right? Sounds familiar? Yes, unfortunately. Right. So don't live like that. Don't live like that. You don't have to write Don't do that to yourself. Okay, and what what is worse than this when it doesn't work out? Right? Then people like myself and others have to counsel you and I have to, I have to sit down and watch you cry. Right? And talk about how how your hearts broken and how you can't make smaller and how you can't do this and how you can eat and how you can't drink. I have a job for you. But I don't want to spoil the mood now.

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I just did. What if I just don't want to get married? Because I can't be committed and responsible. But I have crushes and likes with the opposite sex in.

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In LA Roger. All right, let me think about this one for a moment. This will take deep philosophical thought my dear brothers and sisters. Right?

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Then brother or sister The problem is not the problem is not with the problem is not with the idea of marriage. It's with you. And I? If you're not ready, get ready. Right? If you don't feel responsible, let me give you this. If you're supposed to write a thesis or paper, and you don't know how to use a keyboard, are you going to learn?

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You're going to learn, right? If you don't know how to do research, are you going to learn how very quickly if you don't know how to program, something very simple. You let me give an example when you get your new phone?

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Your new, you know, no three or s five, you know, only Samsung and Android here, right? But when you get your new phone and you don't know how to use it, you just say well, I don't know how to use it? Or do you make the effort to get to know how you make the effort. Right? If you don't think you're responsible, get responsible. If you don't think you're good with money, get good with money, learn how to budget, learn how to plan your finances, if you are good in something, if you're not good at communication, then no do a course read a book read five books, you know, none if you want if you if you have crushes and you're like someone that I you know, when people say you know

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I love you Mike is a nice word doesn't like it. So nice word right nice to hear whether it's from someone you know, a wife, Wiseman, or it's a mother or father, we like to hear those words. But imagine now for a moment

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asmin tells his wife I love you. But then he beats him. I mean, really physically abuses that love.

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The Love knows that love life. So if you really need it, then it will show life it will show if you say that you like this person, you have a crush on this person. If you love this person, then you will be everything that person needs in a responsible husband or wife, a loving husband or wife you're not going to make that excuse all the time. Well I don't know I don't know how to be good with finances I video responsible I'm very forgetful. I'm this I'm that no, right. You owe it to yourself and to that person who you claim to like and love to become the kind of person that you that person is worthy. All right, dramatize people come to me and say should I be interested in this

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girl? She's interested in me, but I'm not gonna pursue it because I don't think I'm good enough for her then become good enough for goodness sake. Right? What's stopping you become good you know become someone that she's that you know that someone worthy of love. If you play that you're not worthy of her yet become the kind of person that you think that she that she deserves become that person. What's the problem? Is there anything anything standing in the way? There's nothing? It's it's a flimsy excuse? And unfortunately that, you know, we shouldn't be using How can I go make the first move? islamically Of course, of course, of course. Right. So basically, of course, you know,

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this is I mean, that goes without saying but I love that it's there.

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So I this happened recently. So yeah, we all share the advice I gave the person if you like

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Someone then find out through a third party if that person is interested in getting married. And secondly, or the other way around things, you know, things that the same of you interested in you or that person is really, you know, how many times have I had a lovely, I've done matchmaking. And I tell the brothers in the sister Fatima, she's, you know, she's implicit in in you is like really interested in her as well. That's amazing, you know that that solves the problem. Obviously, it's not that easy. And same goes, you know, vice versa. But if you feel if you're interested in someone, then approach that person through a third party, okay? Don't do it directly for the following two

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reasons. Number one, if it doesn't work out, there always be that uncomfortable relationship relationship, but

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sort of, you know, situation between you and that person. Right. And if you do it through a third party, then you have the luxury of being like this invisible barrier. Yes, you did ask about it. And yes, they did say no, but at least you didn't do it directly. You understand? You didn't speak to that person, because now they're going to be always that, you know, uncomfortable silence. They always feeling you know, like, a person knows. So I would actually suggest the following that if you're interested in someone first question is asking if they are interested in getting married. So let me give you let me give you a scenario, case study, right? So Mohammed wants to marry Khadija.

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So Mohammed is in the same class with Khadija sprained Fatima. So he says to Fatima, you know, Khadija actually ever spoken about getting married?

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Then Fatima says, No, no, actually, she she's made it very clear that she's only going to get married after she graduates. Okay. Nobody to ask the second question. Understand.

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But she says yes, that you would like to get married. And soon. Now you can ask the second question. Second question is, Oh, no, would you ask her? If you know, she feels the same about me, or she's interested in me, etc. x, y, and Zed. This is the first the first question must be managed in this regard. Because then you don't set yourself up for the uncomfortable second question, right? Because if you ask, is he interested first? And she says, Yes. Right. And then you ask the second question, which is about marriage. And they say no, then you basically back to square one. Because now you like someone and they like you too. And you can't get married. Like frustrating, heartbreaking. And

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it could lead to all sorts of other things. Sometimes How long? sometimes not. But most of the time in heartbreak and heartache. How can I get to know someone better before I get to marry her without going over the limits, I will not make the biggest mistake for marrying.

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If you approach marriage like this, and I bad news for you, right?

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I like I said throughout the course, any person you marry is not going to be perfect. You're not going to be able to tick off every box with that marriage is conserved. Let me give an example. Many men want to get married to a subservient, obedient, you know, hopefully wife that cooks and takes care of him eyes, his clothing never raises a voice never speaks. Never, never. They don't even have a conversation. He's basically She's like a servant. Right? A servant who is we happens to be able to have sexual relations with that's what it is. Okay, that's a very male one, unfortunately. Right. And so, when they when they get married, and they get married to a woman like that, and he's

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educated and she is not, what's the first complaint I get? My wife doesn't read. She doesn't know anything about politics about the economy's he doesn't speak about God even interested in any Islamic knowledge. She's like this. She's like that. And now, if I did it, okay, did he find the perfect wife or his version of it? Yes, he did. Is it what he wants now? No, it isn't. And the same goes the other way around. Right? I've seen many sisters get married only because of money and looks right. And because the husband had a certain status, then later, they find out that he's got bad character, you know, that he lies a lot that he's as a massive temper and anger problem. Okay. And

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now, yes, he's extremely handsome. Wow. You know, and he's got money. Mashallah, right. And he's very intelligent. But he's, he has the character of a pig.

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Okay. So her version of her husband is quite different from the one that she has now. And I'll give you all sorts of differences. Audience, I just use these as examples. So my point being that don't get married with those kinds of expectations that I yes, you want to be attracted, your spouse should be attracted. The spouse should be you know many things that you want, but don't

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Make that the end all of everything right? So yeah, you want to get to know someone asked the friends, or the business partners or the family about them. Right? That is how you get to know someone asked him pertinent questions. When you meet for the first time in the company of your father asked him, you know, certain questions. What would you do if this happens? Right? What if I was walking in the mall? And a man that I knew from high school, you know, came up to me and he greeted me, how would you react?

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Right? What would you do? Right?

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What if you saw me getting an SMS or WhatsApp message from from an old friend from school? You know, from the opposite sex? What would How would you react to that? How would you react to the criticism of my mother, if my mother, you know, she put you in a spot one day? And she said to you know, these things? How would you react to them? Ask questions like that, right? Ask questions like, what if you lost your job? What kind of what, how would you react to that? And how would we? How would we live as a couple? Those are the questions you really want to know, what was that defines character defines define the kind of person that you know that you are going to marry? Don't ask questions

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like, you know, so what do you add ourselves in 10 years from now? You know, that is a nice question. I like it. You can throw that in there at the end, you know, where do you see yourself 10 years from now, but that doesn't tell you much about the business character. Except that maybe yes, the person does plan ahead, you know, they'll tell you the kinds of things that you really want to know, what kind of personality does this person have? Not? Just a side question.

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Is it possible that when I want to get married, that I asked my spouse to go for an HIV test and an STD test, the permissible sexually transmitted diseases? Is that the visible do you have that year? You have really, Malaysia

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Wow.

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Wow.

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I mean, I i understand that it's a good thing. I know in South Africa, definitely, you know, it's something that is is definitely recommended, no matter how pious the person sees but I'm just over shocked, you know, but anyway, I'll get over the controller.

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So you need to approach this like that get to know this person by asking real personal you know, questions about the person's personality, asking people about him and how they interact with others. What what happens when they get angry? What happens when they are disappointed? What happens when they are frustrated? Those type of questions asked in Mother's Day, father's brothers and sisters, aspirins, no colleagues, etc, you know, get to know as much about the person like that as possible, because no matter what,

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even if it is now done in the most helpful way, we are going to show our spouses at the beginning of our marriage only what they want to see. And as we become more and more comfortable with them, then we will show them other aspects of our personality that are not that are not that rosy and polished. So that brings us I will take questions from the audience or the more in

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in

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how many more do we have?

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Yes.

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And what are the essays?

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A question is like one sentence like, you know, like one this is like a whole paragraph? In other words, a question there's like, yes or no. And some some of this is written in hieroglyphics as well.

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You know, Yes, I am. I am very interested in ancient Egyptian culture, but this is taking it to another level.

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Okay, I'm just gonna read it to myself first, and they just answered it.

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Ooh, heavy,

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heavy. Okay. Let's go.

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I want to marry someone. Right. But I don't feel that I am religious and knowledgeable enough to get married. But this person and I, we have a relationship right now. Okay. And, but I don't feel I'm ready and I don't feel I'm ready. But financially and from this from the perspective of my parents, they don't have a problem. Okay. But if I break off this relationship now with this person, by the time I graduate, this person would have been would have gotten married to someone else, probably. So what should I do? I answered this question before whether I said

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what

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I say,

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then become the person that you feel you need to be, isn't it. So if you feel you're not knowledgeable enough of Islam, they become more knowledgeable. If you feel you're not responsible enough, then become more responsible, don't use this as an excuse, because one of the things that's going to happen in this scenario is you are going to give this person you're going to not going to get married to this person. And depending on the amount of emotional investment and attachment that they ease already, sometimes people don't move on. And I've seen this more than enough times now. They can't move on, it is easy for me to say, you know, move on. But I have seen people who can't

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move on, we've given up relations to one person I know. He wasn't married his sister. But then he at the beginning, they were involved, you know, in communicating, and he felt so guilty that he was communicating with the system this way, you know, via text, or text messages, etc. And then all of a sudden, he just broke up broke off this this content. He just broke it off. Because of his guilt, you know that he was doing something wrong. Obviously, the sister tried to contact him. He didn't you know, respond. And then years later, she got married to someone else. But he never got over. I don't think he's married now.

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Is my age 3233. So how long? I don't have a problem with you knowing my age, you know? We all get old man. It's not an issue that that's gonna happen. Some people like to say, No, no, I'm, I'm, I'm the new 40. He's 50. Right? Or the new 50? No, that's unnecessary. If you're getting older, how old? Are you? 20 a lot illogical, right? I was asked this eight year old boy when I was 18. How old? Do you think

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you said, Uncle, you look 30?

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If I asked that same boy now, I don't think I want to hear the answer to that one. But I anyway, onto that one. So become the person that you think this person, you need to be right for your sport for the sake of Allah. And then for the sake of marrying this person, when

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children are known to be the biggest trials to parents, you all these questions are asking the wrong or framing. framing is wrong.

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Because if you enter into marriage and into parenthood with this kind of perception, it's going to be difficult. Right? If you think that if you think that getting married is going to crush your lifestyle, or it's going to slow you down, if you think that having children is going to make you give you less freedom or give you less time, they don't, don't don't get married, don't become a period. Right. That's my advice to you. Well, like children, you know, besides I spoke enough, I said enough good things about marriage, but having children's

00:32:56--> 00:33:09

What an amazing, you know, feeling when you come home, at the end of the day, your kids run to the door shouting, Avi Avi, and they want to tell you about everything they did the whole day, like you're the most important person that needs to know these things.

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I will give up my whole entire bachelorhood, you know, for five or 10 minutes of them. That's the reality, you ask any parent, this is a positive attitude that you need to have. If you're going to have this negative attitude towards marriage and Parenthood, it's going to be negative for you, you're only going to find mistakes, you're only going to find stuff that irritate you, that bug you that you know that that make you sad or unhappy. But if you approach it with positivity, if you approach it with a positive mindset and attitude, every time you with your wife, your wife or your husband will be happy no matter regardless of of what happens. Every time that you're with your

00:33:48--> 00:34:28

kids, even when they're throwing tantrums, it's going to be something where you have an opportunity to be a role model you an opportunity to be someone the better person. A few days ago, I posted something on Facebook, I said to the parents that you know when your child is throwing a tantrum, don't throw a tantrum to just because your kids going nuts doesn't mean you need to go nuts as well. Right? You the adults who act like one, you know you that you are the one that's an adult, you are the one that's supposed to be the role model, you are the parent, you're the mother, you're the father. So having children getting married will lie is a great thing. It's amazing, okay? And you

00:34:28--> 00:34:59

need to be the kind of person that is going to nurture your children to halala. You know what, we all want role models for our kids, but the most the biggest influence in their lives. It's you and me, right as parents, when you become a parent, you become the most important thing in that child's life. You need to be the best example that you can be. Don't think that by sending your children to a madrasa and sending them to a foreign teacher that's going to mold them in they don't see slavery they don't see good character if they don't see calmness and

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gentleness in you, then you can forget about it, they're not going to learn that from other people, because you are you are the first point of reference for all of these character traits, right? So approach marriage and parenthood with a positive mindset inshallah, and you will be, you will be, you'll be happy. inshallah, is it better to marry someone you are emotionally attached to you, rather than the one you have physically activated? You. I think that that question is contradictory.

00:35:31--> 00:35:32

Why

00:35:33--> 00:35:36

there is no such thing as only being physically attracted to someone.

00:35:38--> 00:36:12

Right? There's no such thing. with that comes a whole range of emotions. And so Hello, I just saw this clip. It isn't a very hollow clip, right? In terms of what they were doing as an experiment, right? Where they just got these strangers to kiss each other. Right? Just usual stages is Gabby come into the studio and just live men and women women and women mid and mid that's why I say hello. And they were not married, of course. But what they found out through this study was that these people even though they're living with each other until that time, after that physical contact, what do they have?

00:36:14--> 00:36:55

Many of them had an immediate emotional attraction and attachment to that person. Right? And it works both ways. There's no such thing as a physical attraction without any emotions, and no emotional attachment without any physical attachment especially or other obviously, in this case, between the two sexes between men and women, right? So you only get married to someone I'm physically attracted to and not emotionally no such thing that I at least that this is this is my opinion. Okay, so if you if you disagree with me, I'm open to that inshallah. I didn't do that. Did I come here and claim I know everything No, I'm good enough. It's good. All right. So that's my

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opinion. Okay. That's how I that's how I've seen it that's how I have studied it and how I've experienced it that people have those two things always go together and I even amongst people just the fact that you have to be physical contact with the person even the people are indulging and how long the relationship the something about the person deeper than the physical that attracts you to him or her Okay, it is not only how many times if people have been put off by someone they found physical attract physically attracted to and then that person said something or did something or acted in a certain way and they were immediately turned off as it happened has happened many times.

00:37:31--> 00:37:36

Right. And so is it always a relationship between the two so marry someone that you

00:37:40--> 00:37:41

Okay, some

00:37:44--> 00:37:46

the hieroglyphics again.

00:37:53--> 00:38:01

If my husband wants me to do something, which is not doesn't want me to allow do something, which is from the dean, and I can't read this, what is this?

00:38:02--> 00:38:06

Oh, pl lady. Why wouldn't you want your wife to do Okay, I will.

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Holla Why would you? I mean, like, I can understand the fires but tells his wife, listen, I don't think you should be fasting every second day. But that's understandable because he has rights. Right? Okay, so you can say Listen, I don't I'm not comfortable with you Farsi. But yeah, well, how does that impact anyway? But she says, she said it as an example because the husband Yeah. So am I allowed to follow the deed? Or do I have to follow what my husband said? Okay. I don't see this as a problem. I see that compromised. Firstly, firstly, if you marry the person that the Sherry I want you to marry, then I don't see this is a problem arising. But if it does arise, then I think you

00:38:48--> 00:39:09

should compromise. What do I mean? Instead of waking up two hours before failure? Wake up? 30 minutes before? Right? Okay, compromise with your husband. If your husband thinks that, you know, two hours, you know, he would like to wake you up. He would like to wake wake his wife up at three in the morning, you know, because he has a certain need, you know, he doesn't want to have to find the insula.

00:39:11--> 00:39:17

Sounds familiar? Or does it make sense? Most of you are not married. So this doesn't sound familiar. But anyway,

00:39:19--> 00:39:55

the point I want to make here is that it needs to be compromised in something you take with you to marriages, inshallah, compromise is good. But I you all get what you want you all you all happy, and that's what you want, you want to be happy. So if your husband doesn't want you to get up, you know, for two hours before, it's a one hour, say a half an hour, you know, compromise on the issue. And then there are things that are convulsing like a husband saying, I don't think you should pray so often. What What do you mean? You know, like, you shouldn't make so much fun out like, you know, this money besides a bit too much. You know, just, you know, just a little budget right there. I

00:39:55--> 00:40:00

know it's a joke, but if it does happen, make sure that it doesn't but if it does,

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Italy has been no. Okay. This is this is something compulsory and I must do it the first thing of the month of Ramadan and many other compulsory exercise. So keep that in mind.

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Is it a policy for us to ask our blessings before we marry someone? No, in the case of of a woman, she needs a father's permission or her guardians permission, right? doesn't necessarily mean that he agrees with it, but that he gives that he actually marries you off. But now he has an issue.

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What if there's absolutely no reason for your parents to say no. Right? And you want to get married? And let's say your mother is totally against it. But your father says, okay, like in the case of a woman, you know, Father, your father says, No, I don't have a problem. So he marries you to this man, right? But your mother, she hates it. She hates the fact that you got married to this person. And she your relationship now is strained? Do you need the blessings of your mother and her happiness before you get married? The answer is no. But would you like it? says yes, you would like your parents to be happy, isn't it? Like you want your parents to be there on your wedding day

00:41:13--> 00:41:47

happy, smiling, no treating you well, etc. So always strive to achieve that first, but sometimes when people parents are unreasonable, especially when they have no Islamic leg to stand on or no, no practical leg to stand on. They know you don't need your parents blessings, you know, but the other big to ask for it. You need to treat your parents Well, you know, treated with kindness, you know, respect them, etc. Even though they have given you a hard time. I've heard that the Hadith where the Prophet said because is my son No, no, it turns away from my son is not of me.

00:41:49--> 00:41:59

Why would you say that Nika is Mr. hub is the Hadith wrote above so he are not calling my confusion. Okay, excellent question. So let me put it in perspective.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Fernando Heba answered Nettie The one who purposefully intentionally turns away from my son right this three Gods he thinks nothing they are okay not about the person is made as to say I don't want to get married not because I don't believe it's so not because I reject the sooner not because I you know, for any other reason, but that but the person who intentionally doesn't want to get married because he just you know, What nonsense is this son getting married and you know, it's all it's old fashioned. And that is the person who the prophets of Allah Allah Islam is talking about Maduro Heba uncertainity, right, he has absolutely no

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interest. Rather, I should use the word he disregards it, okay, turns his back on it completely. That is what the Hadith means. Whoever turns away from that. So now in that way this regards it and rejects it, God, the one who has made a decision that I don't want to get married. Okay. We've already stated that the default ruling in Islam is that every Muslim you know, is encouraged to get married, it is recommended that you and I we get married, but

00:43:03--> 00:43:16

the only time it is sinful is if we feel we will fall into harm or we have rejected the Sunnah and we've turned our backs on him. Okay. Now the question though, is another question. Okay.

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I met the person we met the person we were interested in since the age of 19. But before this, my parents told me that I'm only allowed to marry her either in last year after I graduate. It's about five or six years from now, as consequences I'm afraid to discuss with them, how should I maintain my email for the next six years?

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We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala The Lord of the noble throne, that he protects you and keeps you keeps you away from Allah that Allah subhanho wa Taala you know that he provides a way out for you in sha Allah. So, my dear brother or sister fast, fast and fast, fast every second day fast the fast of NaVi Nobita, who arrived fast today break your fast tomorrow and fast the next day. But seriously though, if you feel you need to get married, if you feel you are going to fall into how to talk to your parents, and like the way that we discussed earlier, try to convince them to do to get you married, and inshallah huhtala if that if that doesn't work, then you know,

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Khadija fast always make sure you follow the guidelines, lower your gaze, don't be alone with the opposite sex, you know, advice to keep your contact minimum, etc, etc. So that you protect yourself inshallah, six years is a very long time you're going to be 25 this is the prime time you know of your sexuality. Subhan Allah is extremely difficult. Okay. And I made to either you know, people like people, like the person who wrote that question, never have to face any of those kind of situations. Insha Allah, right. If you even if you're 19 and 20 and you want to get married, and you feel

00:45:00--> 00:45:12

You need to get married, may Allah make a way out for you. That's my little love make a way out for you that you get married and there are lots of hand Atilla groans you're happy, you know, successful marriages in Sharla.

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Okay, the person is under 18

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and wants to know how to deal with the feelings and desires for the for the opposite gender. My advice to you is how we started our workshop today, try to minimize your contact with the opposite sex not only in person, but also through television and movies and series, and novels and things that you because the more that you consume that the more it will fuel your desire, okay, the more it will fuel your sexuality, the more it will fuel your desire for the opposite sex. Number two, even if you're under 18, nothing stops you from getting married. Think of it as an option. Okay, I should have mentioned fasting first. Right? But marriage is the next option. Right? Get married. If you

00:45:57--> 00:46:36

can't get married then fast. Okay, these are my, these are my and also very importantly, number four, talk to people. Talk to your father, your mother, if you can, unfortunately, we don't always feel we can talk to them. Speak to an uncle. That is cool. And you can trust you know, why can't our parents be cool? They'll always think like that. Why can't I talk to my mother and father about this? You know, they just too old fashioned they don't understand these things your parents do. But they've made you feel your entire life. You can't come to them with these kinds of issues. Your father and mother they also dealt with the same issues. Right, isn't it so?

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They got married didn't they? Of course how do they get married? You know, did they were not interested in my penis tell me how they got married. I'm like wow, you know there is no they know they will stay the same they're in the same boat. Okay, but these this is my advice to you as a teenager you know make sure that you protect yourself by protecting the what you consume, what you look at, you know whose company you are in try to be in the company of the righteous the people that are a lot always talking about boys and girls and about you know being dating and all of these types of things move away from that someone asked me to pray for you know in HD 70 where we make to Khalid

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Allah subhanho wa Taala you know we find the plane make sure that the plane is safe the people on the plane you know, alive and are healthy and safe and more importantly one of the reasons why we resonate so deeply with what has happened to this plane because yes there are many things happening in the world is the Central African Republic is a very star the city or the you know there is poverty right on our doorstep there are so many things happening in the world. Why is it that we have not we have not resonated with those problems like we have with this two reasons. Number one, the media The second reason is that most of us have flown in the plane

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and most of us know what it must have feel or what it feels like you know like when you get delayed Think about this. Have you ever been delayed on a plane? You got the three hours of the day after you were supposed to arrive? One of your parents or your husband or your wives or whoever was waiting for you very worried what happened to the plane are they okay you know did the plane have to make you know all these things go through our minds you can just imagine the agony of the family waiting you know whether it's in KL in Beijing or wherever else you know those people will from like can you imagine the agony and the anguish so that's why this resonates with us that brings us to the

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end inshallah hood Allah again let me thank you dissolvable heroin for having me and my family, your your beautiful city. Hopefully inshallah Allah will have an opportunity to come and spend time with you again. Baraka level vehicle was wotja como la wa Salaam wa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh