Firestarters – 4 Issues That Break a Marriage – Panel Discussion
Channel: Sarah Sultan
File Size: 62.42MB
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu. Everybody welcome to today's conversation in sha Allah to Allah about firestarters
This is a an incredible topic inshallah data that we're looking forward to discussing with our esteemed panel inshallah to Allah Shaheed the Sunni and sister Sauder School of Thought
on the topic of or in preparation for filter of love, which is a new course by and Muslim Institute insha Allah Adam and in the meantime, just want to you know, have everybody say their set arms and join us insha Allah Allah welcome everybody. Where are you joining us live from? Welcome Welcome
Welcome everybody, let us know if you're you're hearing us loud and clear.
Sophia, starting us off in sha Allah live from London. Live from London. Welcome
hamdulillah glad to hear William from Denmark. Aiko, salaam Rahula welcome I met from New Haven Connecticut Mashallah. Good to hear from you. Hope you guys are doing well up north Singapore at midnight Munia staying up late mashallah zoo from London as well. So it's London town tonight.
So far, it looks like London's ahead. We got some art from Chicago, why they go set off to La Barakatuh and Sakina from Philly, and the Jeeva from Malaysia. Welcome everybody in sha Allah. So today's topic is going to be about fire starters, right things that could really cause a lot of tension and friction in a marriage. And I want you from the very beginning to list for me what are your firestarters What do you think are the topics that are actually going to be discussed today?
i Li from Belgium welcome it from Belgium, Sarah from DC I think was set up or set it off. I'm not sure how that's pronounced.
Aisha from the UK Well, I think was set out after a lot and finally Nigeria showed up. Sofia from Nigeria from Nigeria. And mom do it from Tampa. Welcome, everybody. So what are your fire starters? What are the things that you think would kindle a problem in a marriage and things that would Kindle big problems in a marriage? So we're going to be talking about four of them today in sha Allah, Allah, as well as discussing ways that we can protect from them and solve them in sha Allah to add solutions for them. So we have no layer, and we have Medion from Sri Lanka, welcome everybody worldwide at hamdulillah say, Say Allah says, unhealed trauma. That's a good one.
We got a little Shana from Mauritius and sawed off from New York welcome everybody. i She says lack of communication so that's another good one. So lack of communication, unhealed trauma.
What else y'all got? And as always, when we start you want to make sure that you share the Fed inshallah so take a moment and just take this video that you have this link that you have, copy it and send it into your family group, send it into your Whatsapp group, send it into your iMessage group your friends groups, share it on Facebook on your page inshallah Tada you might help somebody become more educated with regards to how to protect themselves in their own marriages or when they become married and Shaw like to add up mommy moves TV says unrealistic expectations for short. Notice says finances and families money religion, lack of emotional intelligence mismas spirituality
and priorities very good. So what are the ones that we have for today? That is the question Inshallah, that and so because
who was it was a Syrah who said unhealed trauma, I think we're going to jump right into unhealed trauma with Sister Sato Sultan inshallah to Allah, but it was called baggage. It was called baggage. And so that idea of unhealed trauma as well as baggage but before we begin, I want you to check out a motive dot online. So this is a course that's been developed and been taught by Chef Winnie the hook of love for over 10 years of hamdulillah and it's all about you know, creating healthy marriages. And it goes from the beginning, the engagement stage you know, how did you even select the spouse to throughout the marriage and even ending in when a person grows out of a Marriage
Divorce how to do that, all of that
According to the son of the province on the line he says I'm it's a very detailed very lengthy course and it's accessible today and so I would like to add in most of the online with shahadi than one of the presenters in the course is SR Sol Sol Sol Sol we're happy to have her with us as well and Charlotte data but check it out at a moment of dot online. This is our newest course at hum didn't love the look of love. It was recorded with love. It was designed with love and hamdulillah it's been childless something that the community will love. That's the goal. So welcome Sister Sato.
Does that cool? Okay, for having me excited to be here and see all of these people from all over the world our brothers and sisters Michelle, Allah hamdulillah it is very, what's the word that I'm looking for? I remember 2010 We were in that class together. probably full of love, right? Yeah, yeah, it was a ship. That was What's up, I suppose. Yes. Back then.
We took chef. Yes, it was maybe it was in New Jersey, but the chef would eat version came to New York in 2010. We took it there Chawla. All right, yes, yes. Now I remember that that was the one of 2010 That's right. And now mashallah, you are a presenter in the course itself, mashallah, with your own background in marital counseling, as well as in counseling in general now. So you've seen a million cup, not a million, but you've seen a lot of couples, I'm sure along the way. And this topic of baggage people coming in with unhealed trauma, SATA said
I want I want to open up the forage all the data for you to share
your thoughts on this topic and its importance. You know, I think that stata hit the nail on the head with that being one of the major, major firestarters that comes into relationships, you know, in my work with both couples and with individuals who are in marriage, in marriages, who are looking to get married, and who are in that process of getting to know someone for marriage. This is one of the common themes that we see is that every single person comes into a relationship with baggage, right? That's, that's inevitable. Our life experiences shape us our life experiences, shape, the way we perceive things and the way that we perceive other people. And so having an awareness of our
baggage that we inevitably have is essential, when we are trying to have a healthy relationship and a healthy marriage. And so the fire starter in this situation would be a lack of awareness. So trauma in and of itself, baggage in and of itself is not necessarily a fire starter, it's when there's lack of awareness about the impact that our baggage or our trauma or our difficult experiences can have. That is what starts fires in a marriage. And when you don't realize the impact that your baggage is having on the way that you interact with your spouse, that will inevitably cause problems and cause issues. So the solution to that is to build an awareness of your personal
triggers, unpack and heal your trauma, your baggage, your difficult experiences, and learn how to manage those things in a healthy way, learn how to emotionally regulate yourself in a healthy way in your relationship.
So the way that I like to explain this, and its impact is that we each kind of wear a lens, right? You know, like if I were to, you know, put on my, you know, put on my glasses, you know, and we each wear a lens, and we view situations through that lens. We've had on this pair of glasses this lens for years and years and years. And so when we tried to remove that lens and look at things a little bit more objectively, it can actually be a struggle, it can be really difficult. And so one of the first steps is to build an awareness to be aware that you actually are wearing that lens that you are seeing your your spouse, you're seeing your experiences with your spouse, through a lens of past
experiences. And so the first thing to to, like the mental shift to kind of tell yourself is I'm not going to judge my spouse based on other people's mistakes. We have all been through situations where people in our lives have disappointed us people in our lives have hurt us,
where we have experienced, maybe feelings of betrayal, right feelings of abandonment, we've all experienced some of these things to a certain extent. And when we bring that into our marriage, what we are inadvertently doing is we are judging our spouse based on another person's mistake. And to a certain degree, that's you know, that's very normal, but it's also very unfair, because this person has not done those things to you. Right, it's another person who has and who has amplified this lens that you're wearing. So you're now seeing your spouse through the lens of
Have those mistakes. And so viewing those past experiences, instead of viewing them as this is inevitably going to happen to me, again, this person is going to hurt me in the same way that that person hurt me, instead view those past experiences as lessons for growth, rather than a prediction of the way life is going to be. And so a lot of times when we've gone through these traumatic experiences, it affects our ability to connect with other people in a healthy and authentic way. Being vulnerable with your spouse, can be very difficult if you have felt hurt by other people. If you have felt betrayed by somebody else in your life, you'd end up building walls, you build up
worst case scenarios in your mind, and you begin to see them everywhere. And you develop unhealthy coping strategies. So for example, if you know if you have been in like a very even just a friendship, you've been in a very close friendship with somebody for years, and then all of a sudden, they just disappear. It's going to be difficult to trust that other people in your life are not going to disappear. So what you might end up doing is you might end up disappearing. First, you might end up shutting yourself. When an argument happens silent treatment or you walk out of the house, right, you might notice that trauma, or difficult experiences show up in different ways. And
it really affects your view of people and your view of the world. Right. So I'll give an example of how this might show up.
Before passing it back to Ashley Hamada in sha Allah, I want to give an example of how this might show up in one particular incident, and how the lens that we wear can really transform how our personal baggage affects our situations. So let's say husband comes home, right from from work one day, and he suggests to his wife, you know, the order out for dinner.
If his wife is wearing a lens, that is colored by her past baggage and past experiences, she might think to herself, nothing I do is good enough, I was just about to start making dinner, but he thinks I can't handle it or he doesn't like my cooking. He doesn't like my food, right? So through one lens, she's thinking about it this way
through another lens, she might think, you know, it's really thoughtful of him, he knows that it's been a tough week. So it'll be a weight off my shoulders to be able to relax this weekend. So from one lens, a lens of inadequacy, where she might have been made to feel inadequate, she might have been made to feel like her efforts are never enough. This can come from a wide range of experiences, it can come from her childhood, right? Where maybe her parents just really, really emphasize, you have to be perfect or you're not good enough, right? Like, you know, the parents are you come home, you got a 98 They're like, where's the other two points, you know? So she might have always felt
that feeling of inadequacy, right. And so she brings that feeling into her marriage. And so now when her husband says, Hey, let's order out for dinner, instead of viewing it through a lens of Oh, that's really nice and thoughtful of him. She's viewing it through a lens up, he doesn't think I'm adequate. Right? So figuring out if you're wearing a lens, and whether that lens can be switched out, right being able for her for her to be able to say, you know, my family was really critical of things I did. But that's not what's happening here. This is coming from my own struggle with being hard on myself. It doesn't mean that that's what my husband is doing in this situation. And so
asking yourself certain questions for self reflection, to alleviate this fire starts to kind of like put out this fire of past baggage. You can ask yourself, How is ShaVonne? Trying to get me to see the situation? Is there an alternate perspective? How have my past experiences been impactful on me? And how might they be showing up in the way in the lens that I'm wearing? How have past mistakes shaped me? What did I learn from them? Right? So being able to ask yourself these questions and to see is there an alternate lens that I can put on to create a sense of awareness about my baggage and choose not to let that affect my marriage in an unhealthy way?
That is a great series of questions. And I was thinking to myself as you were launching them I was like man, because when you said Ask yourself a series of questions, I was like okay, that would be great if she actually listed what those questions are and then you listed a few of them and I was like it would be amazing if there was like a sheet of questions that people could ask
you know, as an exercise I think that would actually be really really helpful for a lot of people like how how what was the question you said how would shade lawn or how is shaped lawn? Yeah, how is shaped lawn trying to get me to view the situation. And is there an alternate explanation for it is there
An alternate interpretation that's like an exercise and has been giving benefit of the doubt to people because shaitan also, he messes with us. And he brings up this past baggage in a way that forces us to see the worst in people. And the worst, especially in a spouse. And, and so when we don't listen to what she sounds trying to whisper, and we tried to give that benefit of the doubt, it can really make a difference. How much help would come in a person just asking the other person saying what, why? What Yep. And that's where that other person mentioned, lack of healthy communication, being a fire starter 100%.
pause for a moment, right before reacting, right? That moment of pause is where your power is where you feel like that, you know, people use the word trigger, and people overuse the word trigger. But let's use that for a second. If you're, you know, you feel like oh, he doesn't think he doesn't like my cooking, he doesn't think that I'm enough, I can't do this, whatever. If you are able to pause for a moment and say, Is that really what he's thinking? Let me ask, and then say, what made you what made you decide that you wanted to eat out tonight? And then he's able to say, you know, I know you've had a really rough week, you know, so I just wanted to do something special, then imagine
what would happen, right? So just that simple asking, can can make a huge difference. Absolutely. So then I have another question for you. What if they don't believe them? But he says I just want to, but the baggage is so strong in her mind, for example, that it's like, no, that can't be the reason why it has to be because.
And that happens very, very, very often.
So one of the things that I often tell my clients, it's like twofold. Number one is realize, again, how much of this is coming from you. You don't believe him, because it doesn't resonate as true with you. Because you can't believe something good about yourself.
Work on that that's something that has to be worked on. Right? To view yourself as worthy to view yourself as honorable in the sight of Allah's past data, something has to be worked on. And then the second thing is to accept that it is your spouse's responsibility as an adult, and as a partner in your marriage, that if there is an issue, he has to or she has to express it, if he or she does not express it, that's not on you, you have asked, so take it at face value, because that's their responsibility and not yours to kind of like keep digging, you know, just take it at face value. Beautiful duck, okay.
So I can only imagine the amount of questions that people have. And one of the good things about a fifth of love course, or any amount of online courses that you get, you get these sessions, these private sessions with the instructors of the course, to be able to ask a lot of questions. And I know that you did some Q and A's with your last course on mental health inside out. And I'm sure that the questions were a lot.
Yeah, absolutely. But you know, truthfully, I, I really enjoy those, like live sessions with the with the q&a. It's one of my favorite parts of, you know, teaching, you know, teaching was adamant that I would have the best. So, yeah, let the questions come on in. We have those sessions, because I know you're gonna come I mean, it causes your growth, right, because you're gonna get questions that you've never even thought of before.
Yeah, absolutely. And it's always it really.
It, it brings up what is truly at the core of what people are concerned about. And I think that that's really important. A lot of times the questions that come up are because, you know, they're, they're like, they're just very important to the people who are bringing them up. And so it's really wonderful to get to know people on more of a deeper level through through those types of questions and to know what are the core issues that are facing our, you know, our brothers and sisters. Beautiful, so I can refer. So for those of you who want to look up all of the details of the course. It's all it's available right now at an MOA dot online. We want to move on to our second
Firestarter. And our second fire starter is actually not doing
or it could extend to the communication it could send to a lot of different things, but it's the points of premarital counseling and a person not doing and not having gone through that particular experience of premarital counseling. What does it serve? And why is it important?
Yeah, no, and that's a great question. And I would you know, when when it comes to premarital counseling, if premarital counseling is part of a solution, then what's the firestarter in that situation? The issue is lack of knowledge of yourself, lack of knowledge about your potential spouse, right. And then also having realistic expectations. And somebody had mentioned that in Yeah, unrealistic expectations. Yeah, absolutely. So those are like three fire starters that can be at least partially alleviated.
or managed through premarital counseling.
And the reason why those things are so important. You know, a lot of times we don't pay attention to knowing ourselves prior to marriage. So, you know, you go into getting to know someone for marriage. But if you don't even know who you are, and you don't even know what your personal preferences are, you don't even know what your needs are, then how are you going to marry the right person? How are you going to know if this person is somebody who can? Who can be a positive addition to your life? You know, so. So that's one of the things that comes up in premarital counseling, is you get to know yourself more, you get to know each other more, and you get to build an awareness of potential
issues that might arise and how to address them or whether they can't be addressed. And that's really important. And, you know, I know whenever I've done premarital counseling, I know when I have started years back, I had spoken to, to one of my mentors about it. And it's like, you know, it's really interesting to kind of see the, you know, see the issues that are, you know, that are coming up some of these issues. I don't know if they can even be resolved. And one of the things that she said, was that premarital counseling is really powerful, because it's not always about, you know, figuring out, you know, okay, how can we move forward, like a lot of people do it as just like,
Okay, let's just check it off as a as a box, right. But even more important is something that's very preventative for divorce, because it's really important to know whether you actually are a good match with this person. So one of the things that I think is important and should be emphasized before marriage and premarital counseling can help with that is, like I said, getting to know yourself, right? So are you ready for marriage? In every capacity, whether that's financially emotionally, mentally, have you worked on your past baggage, right?
Do you know yourself and your preferences, right? A lot of us, a lot of us have grown up in a way where we've just kind of like, kept our head down and just gone one foot behind the other to do the things that we think are socially, you know, what we should do? And we don't even know the things that we enjoy the things that are meaningful to us, right? Like being able to figure out what are your personal values? What are your potential spouses personal values, about marriage? finances, family relationships, raising children, religious practice, right? How do you deal with conflict? Do you have the tools to be able to deal with it in a healthy way? How did you learn how to deal with
conflict through your family? And how you saw conflict being dealt with growing up? What about your potential spouse? How do they deal with it? Right? How did their family deal with it? Are you able to express yourself? Are you able to express your needs in a healthy way? Or is it something that you just kind of keep inside and expect that your spouse should just know, you know, this is something that comes up all the time in, in marriage counseling is like, if they truly cared about me, they truly loved me, then they would just know if we were meant to be together, then they would just know what I needed, and they'd be able to fulfill it. And that's a complete fallacy. That's
absolutely not true. So the ability to express yourself and your needs is incredibly important. And then also will this person be able to fulfill them? You know, for one of the somebody had once shared with me that she was talking to somebody and had a you know, move through with engagement and things like that. And there's something called Love Languages. If you guys don't know about it, you can look into it and chulmleigh but she had done this quiz to figure out her love language, she her love language is receiving gifts. It's one of the five love languages, small gifts, just like you know, a candy bar when you go to the store or a little thing, you know, that that shows that this
person was thinking of her. And she had expressed this to her fiance. And never once in the course of their engagement, their relationship, had he ever given her a gift. And it showed her that she was able to express what she needed in order to feel appreciated and loved and respected. Right, but he was not able to give that to her he was not able to fulfill that need. So figuring out is this able this person able to fulfill them gaining an awareness of red flags, premarital counseling, like you have a counselor there who is an objective third party who will help to pinpoint red flags, right is this person you know, like, you know, you you this person is all in you know for a week and
then all of a sudden they ghost right like they disappear for a month. That's a that's a red flag. Any selfishness arrogance, disrespect, right in the way that that you you guys are interacting with one another. Lack of caring lying. You know, all of these are red flags. And sometimes when you
you're so invested in the relationship, it can be difficult to see these things. So having an objective person help you pinpoint it can be very, very helpful. You know, and then, you know, the also understanding for yourself and for your potential spouse, what are you potential? What are you working on? What are you currently struggling with? Is your potential spouse okay with that? What are they struggling with? And is an Are you okay with that? Right. And then also like, the that realistic expectation piece, one of the pieces of advice that I always give to people is don't marry potential. A lot of times you go into a relationship, you go into the marriage process, thinking,
You know what, like, like, okay, this person isn't perfect, but they have so much potential, like, I can see who they can be, you are not marrying the person that they can be, you are marrying the person right in front of you right now. And if you're not okay with who they are right now, then you should not be marrying them. And premarital counseling can help to pinpoint when you might be thinking about that, when you might be thinking, you know, they have a lot of potential. And when I say potential, I don't mean like, oh, you know, they're pursuing, you know, a better job higher education, they're pursuing religious knowledge. And they're just not fully there yet. As long as
they're taking steps toward that, then that's, that's not potential, that's them doing potential means they are able to work on something right now. But they're choosing not to saying that they'll work on it later. If they're not working on it now, they likely will not work on it later. And you need to be okay with that. So having those realistic expectations for something that can also put out that you put out some of those those fires before they even happen.
Got a look at that was amazingly succinct and put together. Hamdulillah. I wanted to ask you, actually, so we've got a lot of comments coming in. One of them is what happens if the person grows out of the person that you married? Now?
That's a that's a really good question. And that's, that's a tough one, you know. And so I will say it from I will respond to that from two angles, the first angle being before marriage, right? When you're looking into somebody that you're going to marry, make sure that you are both have the same growth mindset and mentality that you both have goals. Yeah, exactly, that you both have goals that align and that you're both moving upward together. But if that's not the case, if you're married, and and somebody you know, has, has your you decided that, okay, I'm going to continue to improve, I'm going to continue to grow, but your spouse remain stagnant. That is a really difficult
situation, and actually is something that can lead to a lot of detriment in the marriage. But it's important to also look at growth from different perspectives. Sometimes we are focused on our own definitions of what growth looks like. For you, it might look like pursuing higher education, for example, or, you know, making more financially or growing in terms of like your lifestyle. Right. But is that the same definition that your spouse has of growth? Right, or for you, it might look like growing in terms of your connection to Allah's past data, in terms of your Islamic knowledge and practice? Is that the same definition that your spouse has of growth, and so look for evidence
to show that your spouse is still growing, even if it's not in the same arena, that you are striving toward growth? And have that, you know, and reflect on that? Because it's important to acknowledge whatever growth they are working toward, even if it's not fully aligned with your growth, and then have conversations with them about why is the growth that you're wanting to see so significant to you? Why is it so important to you? Why do you value it so deeply? Because they might just not see, you know, they just might not see the importance of it until you're able to express it and that might make a change, or at least
yield some beneficial conversation, even if it doesn't lead to change.
Does that thank you very much. Beautiful,
really quickly. The modules that you teach in Philco bluff Do you remember what they are?
Oh, I recorded it a little while ago
that's on the spot but you go onto for everybody it's a motive belt online forward slash love right here and subsequent teaches a number of modules. We're just trying to remember what they were. Yeah, I know I did one up for like pre marriage, you know, getting to know you know, getting to know your spouse and kind of the house there. Oh, I also did one about a new you
On stage, you know, after after welcoming a child into the marriage and how the marriage changes and how to keep it strong and how to keep growing as a couple. Yeah, those two that I'm remembering off the top of my head right now. I love it. You know why? Because someone had put a comment and they said, I wish that I had a course like this before I got married. But this course isn't just for when you're about to get married. This is also throughout your marriage. And so you're able to tackle things including welcoming children and how that dynamic affects you as as, as husband and wife, so very beautiful. Jacqueline Sadler was a pleasure to be here at the law library. Is Jeff what is
Do we have a holy? Yes, sir. Yes. And I'm Michael Shear. Welcome.
How are you doing?
I'm doing great. I'm good.
Thanks. Thank you. I have been listening from the beginning.
To what what a bright
She's a smooth operator, Mashallah. She just goes it's organized thought and it just keeps flowing wash all that cleans. Now.
In regard to them.
A lot of people said I knew that before. Yes, I
made into the merit a higher
but it's never too late to
merit that even damages can happen or just the trust too late to build that. It might take long bill. But it can
you know, people tell me, you know, I
feel like the Connect section love
you know, like, I know a lot of happy couples today.
They felt like the kind of D attached to me to death. And I always have this analogy said just beautiful car. And you run out of gas. And what you do You said, Carlos, let me sell the car.
Because it does the work anyway. Know, what do you need to do is put gas. So you can refill like guys. And you know, love and reignite that you and your spouse and I have seen of course of
the year is that I've been dealing with couples weren't working all the time. Yeah, very, very few times. What do you say? I'm sorry, your audio is just a little bit up? Are you using your air pods? Can you try?
Can you try disconnecting from airports and saying
better so far?
No, no, it's better now.
Okay, Chef, one of the major fire starters for sure is finances.
It's always it's always the idea of
I mean, just I mean I'm sure you've seen many many scenarios play out where finances have become a problem either one person doesn't work or sometimes and that becomes a problem or or both of them work and that becomes a problem. So
what what advice do you have on the topic of finances and just just talk for 10 seconds first straight so let me just make sure the audio is clean and then we'll go ahead and Java
Okay, I think one of the that
stations and the principle of this topic the audio the audio getting up a little bit I'm sorry the audio still coming up a little bit. Let me choose let me move to that my hola
So in the meantime, while we wait for chef to rejoin us in Charlotte to Anna, everybody
are saying it's still cutting Okay, good.
What's in the bottle the st Apple notorious for bad connections, what's in the bottle just because you are a I don't know Android guy. better, much better. Much better.
So yes, sir, you were saying
some separate principles and the foundation for this topic
is already established in the Quran, finance and the relationship.
But also there is a lot of applications and points here and there that it is something that is left for
find a problem, but can be a problem. But these are my big advice. Number one,
learning the rules, that will help a lot. Okay, session correct.
And that's something that it is, you will learn through this conversation, questions and answers.
So that's one. And number two, also, that we have to be open about are fighting with each other.
You know, and sometimes
people expect that truth for like, someone whose wife telling him, I know nothing about your finance.
Oh, but I'm sure there's something else I need keep telling me what else I've been telling her everything.
But for whatever reason, she thinks that she must be okay. Or vice versa. She's not open on her finance with him.
It couldn't be private. But, I mean, as general rules. If you have something asked, just don't be hyping it. Can you believe Shama? I had cobbled for over 10 years. She doesn't know what kind of job he has
a rough Jonnie ID. And she doesn't know some woman don't know that. You know, most likely my wife doesn't know that about me, because she doesn't know doesn't carry any issues. Okay, she can I have an idea? She doesn't know that. But, you know, she doesn't really know the details, because she's not interested in the details. Okay. I don't know how much exactly my wife makes, which you are. I'm not interested in these details. So what's interesting is, in this case, she'd been asking him she'd been looking for it's a mysterious person.
That's just not right. Yeah, that's, like secrecy in between.
And that's not correct. It means to me.
So I think this is being honest, being straightforward about it. Being open about it, Islam,
I think that will help to solve a lot of these problems.
Is that help with that the pre marriage counseling, one of the things that has helped is like,
you know, having a contract that states have disabilities, acids and stuff like that, before marriage after marriage, that was all these
points that can be a little bit of
So, how does that play out with regards to for example, tensions that get created when, you know, spouses don't have because when when you have spouses, for example, who both have a you know, both are making income, they start to have, for example, different ideas with regards to how that income should be distributed or used. And sometimes it ends up affecting, you know, the idea of the gender roles equilibrium in the house. So how does that play out?
While the chef is chef with either you
Okay, so, in the meantime, while we wait for the chef, a child, I think we lost him for a second. Sorry, are you still with us?
I am. Mashallah. So your thoughts on on what I just asked this gender roles, finances, trying to balance these types of things? Of course, for us, specifically, in the West, you have sisters becoming more educated sometimes a lot of times their career paths are actually more lucrative financially than their, their, their husbands. How does that equilibrium still exist in the home?
You know, that's a hard it's a hard question.
Because I've seen I've seen a lot of couples who have managed it successfully, Mashallah.
I've seen a lot of couples who have really struggled with it.
But, you know, I think that in the end, whether whether there is financial equilibrium or
or not, you know, like whether it's you know, the husband is the is primarily the one who's making more money or whether it's the wife, I think that overall the needs in the marriage and in the relationship in terms of the emotional needs remain the same. And so, you know, with regards to showing love and respect and support to one another, those remain the same. And I think a lot of times the struggle that comes with when kind of there's a little bit of this role reversal of the wife being more advanced on her career path or making more money than her husband, one of the reasons why this causes conflict a lot of times in a marriage is because of the insecurity that I
can sometimes bring up in, in the relationship between them, whether it's insecurity coming from the husband, or whether that's what the whether the wife perceives, that that insecurity is that her husband is insecure, or uncomfortable with it, and then how that then damages the relationship. So you know, if the husband was feeling insecure, and that then impacts the way that he interacts with his wife, where, you know, sometimes I've seen that, then he becomes a PT might be demeaning in certain ways, right might use words that are inappropriate and disrespectful toward his wife, because of that feeling of insecurity that is inevitably going to cause an issue in the marriage. So
it's not necessarily about role reversal, or Finance, Financial issues. It's about what those issues bring up emotionally for both people and how they can then manage that. And I think, Jeff, what even Hamza came back on so inshallah I'm looking forward to hearing his response about gender roles and managing that with finances.
Yeah, I don't know what happened. Can you can you hear me? Yeah, we can hear you now.
Yeah, I was asking about, I think you might have caught the tail end of my question, which was basically balancing the idea of when you have people who are both working, you know, sometimes people have the traditional mindset of what people do in the house, and who does what, and all that type of stuff. And all of that is changing. And so what's the you said the Quran and Sunnah give general guidelines. Are there any guidelines with regards to that and to when it comes to who brings in money into the house and who's employed and who makes even more money and all that type of stuff than the other? Is there any particular you know, how do you establish that equilibrium in the
Yes, so let's put that up. It's very interesting how Quran and Sunnah didn't give
a detailed description of these financial responsibilities. It says, For example, Leone fit looser, it means it.
One woman put the rally here is called Valium, Tahoe, la, la, you can live long enough to send a llama at Sage I will love or buy diversity Nusrah Very good. He said, You spend according to your ability to your income.
So if somebody is income, a million dollars different than someone whose income is $1,000 or $500, a month or a week, you know,
so everybody is spin according to what their income is. So, if you grow, your family must grow with you, your spending on the family must grow your your your you upgrade, you know,
that word would work, you know, your lifestyle, according to that increase of your income. But it's not right that you keep getting more money. But you know, the families still live on the same like one guy was telling me oh, you know, I'm only responsible for giving one set of clothes every winter and sort of causing that in the in the summer. Yeah, but that's not what your income is based on. You know, and also almost Mendelssohn will ask, you know, when I'm in hiatus, I can to Midwich decal, you let them live in a house that is matching your income matching your lifestyles where you used to live, what you're able to provide, you know, so that's something that it is wajib on you to
do that to provide for that. So, if this has been there is no nothing specifically how much you give it according to your income and according to what is generally known to be good while it moves while in mode you know who it is Kahuna work is where to hone in double my roof. Yeah, and you spend according my roof known to be good, known to be good and
needed. So that's can be different from
one country to another, from one time to another, like today, for example, and certain if you live in Texas, we don't have public transportation. So became part of your Nevada, Eduardo is to make sure that to provide and to help your wife to get a car, you know, today phone became part of the essential
necessities in life and need the life and then says it needs in life you should provide that are not responsible to Yeah, you might not as possible to get the latest iPhone, you know, if you don't have the money, but if you do, do it, you know. And also
when it comes to a wife who, for example, work, and the wife who works, what is the responsibility to her is because my wife working, it means I'm not responsible anymore to
give any or contribute to the house. So any the scholars in modern day said, we have to look into the contract. And what did they agree upon before marriage. So if they agree before marriage, that she will contribute to the house. Okay, that's fine. But if they never agreed into that, if they never agreed to that, it became the responsibility of the house to provide the housing, the financial support for the needs of the house. And she's not so she's not obligated to contribute to any of these things. She only responsible to cover her own expenses. Like for example, if she travel to her workplace that you will be he has to basically do that cover her gaz, she has to buy computer
related to work that will be covered by it, you know, stuff like that.
Which is not really obligated to do that. For example, she works and that took a ride from her to have a nanny or did any baby sir, you know, automate it because she can't or nightmare but she's a babysitter instead of she she can't that's won't be an issue. Is the woman actually obligated to Islamically to
She's obligated Islamically the strongest opinion No, she's not any, it taking care of the child. Taking care of the child is not obligation. That's why you pay custody. Like for example of divorce case, you pay the woman to take care or your your ex wife to be to do the custody for the children.
Okay, and also to look after the child. And also you're obligated to pay for her when she breastfeeding because breastfeeding is not Islamically obligated on obligation on her in my new course hook of children I talk about that. So the Forgot said that you should provide an extra money for her for because she will take days off for example, or she will be dedicated time to take care of the child and to provide for the child and some other massage. No, if she lives with him, there is no extra money. Some said no, even if she lives with him as a wife, she still deserve some extra money to be giving because of that service that she do.
And it's very interesting how the look into that. But the point if the point that I think when you're looking into all of us, is you should be generous with your spouse, as a man, and you should be generous with your spouse as a wife. So I don't I don't see married we're work if we don't both feel the responsibility toward building that house. But in the same times being a person who deal with a lot of problem, I will highly advise that you have a very honest straight forward written understanding of this contribution in case of death divorce, Okay, what about the money that you contribute to the joint account? How this will be calculated? Is it a gift is it is it my money is
it what is it exactly? You know, solving this problem even though it can be sensitive, but it can relieve you from a lot of stress later on down the road. May Allah Allah protect zakat, a head chef, you know, you
you mentioned something, you don't think that a marriage could work if everyone's just kind of thinking of, you know, what, what they're required to do just the bare minimum or requirements. That's also like a, that's also like a, you know, a way of thinking and it's one of the fire servers that we had listed out for this session, which is when that person is only thinking about their rights, they're not thinking about their obligations.
So if you could talk about that you'd have the husband who's saying my rights, my rights are this my rights or this or the wife is saying my rights or this my rights or this and people aren't thinking about that idea of a sign and doing things for that person just because, or what they're actually obligated to do on the other person, they're not worried about that.
Very, very good.
Hello, this is a general rules and Sharia, which is the Sharia create that balance, as much as the Sharia, I give you rights, it puts on your responsibilities. So for example, parents, they have a lot of rights, but they have great responsibilities. Children, they have rights, but also they have responsibilities. You know, husband has a great rights in Islam, but also has a great responsibility. Wife, she has a
tremendous amount of rights, but also there is responsibilities. Also, if you look at leaders, and citizens, President or leaders and country and civil rights and responsibilities, both sides, so you always have to work, you know, in not only looking for your rights, but also to think about your responsibilities. And these rights should not be abused. Anybody abused his rights, almost lose it. You know,
like, for example of my parents who have a great, right, that obedience, or my husband, but he used this rights to ask me to do something that I'm not capable of doing, or something harmful. That person loses rights of obedience. I don't obey that person in this particular matter. Okay.
In this particular issue. So, here, what I'm saying is, this is something important to keep in mind that you always think about what I'm supposed to do. Okay? And this has become my main focus. And I'll tell you, none, because some someone not fulfilling not fulfilling their responsibilities towards me. It means I do the same. We learn with your kids. That one mistake plus one mistake equal one, correct? That's right.
It equal to mistakes.
That's the sad reality. What did they get with it? Oh, the Allah. And now you'll get our
masala huffy. And today Allah huffy,
there is nothing better when someone treats you with a sin, to treat him with virtue. Someone who do things to you, which is an A disobedience, Allah, is when you deal with him, you make sure that you obey Allah.
And one thing that helps with that, and last being sincere. And sometimes we forget that when it comes to relationship between spouses, between me and my wife, me, my family, you know, me and my children, you know, I do things, not just because he's my wife, my husband, and do this because Allah subhanaw taala also, are they because she's my wife, I do it for the sake of Allah Subhanallah that sometimes brother will tell Misha, I did all this. She's not appreciative. She doesn't remember all the good thing they did. She doesn't think about all what I have done to her. She always told me I didn't see any good from you.
So why would I do it? I said, do you do it for Allah?
You know, sometimes you might come back empty handed. But I'll guarantee you, if you do it for Allah, you will never come back empty hearted.
You will always have that fulfillment of your heart.
You know, you make dua for her and we go for him. And you know what? hamdulillah and Allah subhanaw taala. What are your do for anything that is was missed from your right and you being patient with it, and not aggressive about it.
I just want to make an important point here to be just just be any
not to be misunderstood. When we say things like this, we're not encouraging people to be passive and not solve the problems. So for example, my husband is a stingy, he doesn't spend money on me.
And he did not pay, you know, child support. He did not pay the superintendent pay the bill. I've been like doing so much for the house. I've been putting my own money to pay the rent, and I'm not even supposed to be doing that. And he's not doing that. Okay, I'm doing it for Allah for Allah for Allah. But that doesn't mean that this person needs to be told, Hey, you can be doing that.
And that's not against being patient does not against being Sabella or Saville. I don't think that's not right that I'm always denied or not been giving my rights. You can talk about it, you can deal with it. You didn't need to be aggressive. What I just said earlier
as something very helpful when you come come to the dead end, or you, you know, you try and it's not working, or during the process of somebody changing their behavior, I need to think about all this reward and agenda, stuff like that. But that doesn't mean that I don't actively try to make a positive change in my life, it doesn't mean that I don't, we don't both try to change ourselves. That's not an invitation for us to neglect our rights towards others. No, it's an invitation for us to work towards growth, towards understanding and also to ask for your right, there's nothing wrong with that, but there are certain moments in your life where you will find you know, what is not just
worth, you know, what, I can move with this, I can, you know, gradually ask for change. So, I hope we can balance that as we go.
mean that they should be stepped on? Or that they don't have any sense of boundaries and that they can be people who are, you know, their rights are taken. Zach Fisher. So we've got, these are for all fire starters for today. There's a lot of questions coming in. And of course, like this is gonna have a lot of questions because everybody's got situations and experiences and aspirations and thoughts that they'd like to share. There's nothing that Kindles engagement more than the topic of marriage, but Shefali I want to ask you two things before we close inshallah so for everybody, it's in motive, the online forward slash love. That's the website sha Allah once you like Sister side, I
mentioned this was recorded a long, not a long time ago, but it was recorded a while back. And the reason why it's recorded a while back is because hamdulillah with a mode of online courses, it goes through this incredible process of editing and trying to make sure that each course is as
a professional experience as possible by the time that it ends up in your library on your Alma live online library. But number two, there were panel discussions that we're recording Shahabuddin when you when you access the course you get lifetime access, so even if you're not married, now,
inshallah it will be something that you'll be able to refer to throughout your life always to be going back going back to different modules will be relevant to you at different periods of your life, you'll have lifetime access to it as well as life to an ace which shifts would eat as well as the societal bond and others inshallah to Allah as well as the student community who's all going through this journey with you together and that's beautiful as well just somebody once told me I'm Mater that also use this to advise others beautiful we're not dining to make your counselor but like you sometimes you have a cousin or getting married. You can give them some good point that you're
heard, you know, read community we are a part of a big family community. So something also you keep in mind. Absolutely. So she had to I have three questions for you. Number one, where do you get these one liners from the one that you you know, you may go back empty handed but you won't go back empty hearted Where do you get these lines from?
They're good. I'm just saying Where do you get them from where does where does this book is this
dude you need a lot I guess or not a lot trying to read
you might go back listening to your poetry reading poetry fiction lines there
was like a la la Shala okay, you might you might hear that one in one of my poems in the future ship I'll give you credit don't worry
about that Sasha has the best coats mashallah I know
so number two shifts the second thing is why this course and why the fifth of love Why did you could have obviously right now you developed and launched the FIP of children which is coming up inshallah that's going to be on site someone asked his his class on site No, this is online like you can access it right now and you can go to another without online click and you'll get access to it inshallah Tada so go to and motive that online. But why this course you feel called Love for click marriage.
Oh, highlight Islam give so much attention to the concept of family.
So family is an important it's an integral part of our Ummah, in specially us here in America and Europe, in many countries around the world, especially when Muslim minorities, you know, family became, you know, the cornerstone of building a community and
that's where the strength comes from. You know, when they think about the profit salatu salam, any the heavier responsibility that you received when he started the Dawa? Who's the one who helped him the most? He
Use us after her death. In there be some Allah Salam said,
Who among you like her? How did she helped me when there is no one that she supported me when everybody turned away from me. She accepted me when people rejected me.
She made me feel that I'm trusted and seeing the truth, or people accusing me.
And that shows you that is so close relationship.
And it can go over so many of the critical moments in the lives of the prophets are solid. And you see he turned to his own family,
to give him that strength
to give him that inspiration to give him that advice, good advice.
And the same thing they turned to him so the lesson was not missed. With all the thing that he was busy with. None of his way over said I couldn't find him or I don't have any I like always the go back and ask him. And they always find him there. To the extent that individuals are every single day, can you imagine? I mean, one way was hard to, to keep all this connection with, but nine of them, they all feel so connected to him. Every day after us, we will go spend time with each one of them.
As that's a routine in his life.
Today, we have your own way, we're one on one husband worldwide. And you know what it's I can tell you this I can, I can say that there are so many people have that commitment and routine and time quality time that they spend together.
So that's why a lot of love comes. Another main reason for me is unfortunately, we talk about love and relationship and romance.
We often look far away from our tradition. We seek to look guidance in some psychology books. And you know, I'm not saying that's bad, but but often when people marry like, Get inspired by
soap operas, or movies or novels or poetry's, or books that I've written in general about, you know, America relationships and stuff like that, but which is good, but not any good enough. If it's not come on the top of that list, looking at the profits or someone's life, that's why yes, I talk about of love. But in my course I always, you know, guided, inspired and lighted by the Sunnah and the tradition of the prophets Asana, because a lot of other I said, look like cannula comfy. Rasulullah was certain Hustler, or model, there's not just a role model for me on how to pray to make had the role model for me how to deal with my spouse, how to live a happy marital life. So a lot of it where
it was. So for me, that's one of the main thing that inspire me to speak about that to teach cup of love, besides being an Imam, for and being killed with the community for over two decades now, I have seen a lot I've dealt with a lot, you know, build a lot of experience, you know,
I'd say 1000s of cases I've seen, you know, over the course of my life, not hundreds, you know.
And with this, you build a lot of experience.
And I know my limit, I know where I talk where my authority is hamdulillah That's why I brought a lot of experts, and matters to join me in this class. And you have lawyers, you have therapists, you have psychologists, you have people community leaders
out so I think this will be a shot law, one step towards improving and empowering and adding more beauty to the beautiful life that you guys all have. Because I can look
at of all of the modules. This was my third question, the last one out of all of the modules that you prepared for fifth of love that you taught? Is there one that's your favorite?
Yes, one of my favorite model is
marriage best practices.
I mean, that focus a lot about some kind of advices and tips and ways to improve your marriage and things that you should pay attention to it. Because that's very good for people. Like if someone would say, what are the things that I wish I knew before married? You know, you'll say that.
Then I'll say now and I
After getting married to so these are for those who are about to get married, this want to marry, you know, those who are going to marry again as well, you know, let's say because of death or divorce and didn't work out. Now signing also this that's one of my favorite parts of the course.
And inshallah we'll end today's session, just want to thank you for taking, you know, on this pass on this beautiful journey along with you as well as sorry to interrupt you from as another part as I love so much. It's called the hunt, Allahu Akbar
how to find the right one. That's interesting, you know, and how to know that this is the right one. There's also a lot of fun and a lot of funny things in it. And it's like, there's a lot of like, stories, I'm sure stories and stuff like that. So, yeah.
So may everybody who's hunting be blessed in their hunt. Java, this will give you the right tools and will direct you to the right I guess targets and for everybody else who's married to him the law or whose
whatever stage that you're in basically this Charlotte data will provide you with a lot of great value Charlotte for that conversation. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Mill's bless you. I know you're going for it to Jerusalem. Yes, sir. voyage and Shawn Right. Yeah, we're heading out tomorrow in sha Allah for blessed voyage will be in a puts in Sharla this weekend and we'll be making dua for you all in Charlotte that from their second official right now one other thing
money for it is for your next trip to join you yellow Bismillah so come with us which Allah we're doing another trip to Umbra inshallah in November as well as
the end of the year in sha Allah so just make sure that you keep us connected and Instagram please, inshallah will do and there's a trip to Bosnia. I forgot there's a positive Allah this month actually. We should Yes, a bit. Yes. Oh, nice. Yeah, I used to live there. She has some progress. Yeah, he speaks a memory man. Yeah, he speaks Bosnian and everything Michelle lost her shirt he asked her to But justice is he's he went there after the war in the 90s. So for those of you who are interested check out blesseth voyage.com and Sharla but and motive dot online flip of love. We'll see you all there in Charlotte Sakuma location with you. Thank you