Tough Love

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

Episode Notes

Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan delivers a thought-provoking Khutbah on Prophet Ibrahim AS. He talks about his ability to stand on his commitment to stand for the truth even if an entire society was going against him and the fact that he was a young impressionable man.

This lecture aims to reinforce the fact that even though some of us may be going through struggles in our lives, we must realize that we’re not alone and many are also having far bigger predicaments in their lives. If Allah wishes, He could have erased the troubles of Ibrahim AS, but he had to deal with the adversities.  

So we just have to learn to deal with these situations and develop the guidance and the strength to be able to cope with them in a healthy way. We should cultivate the ability to extract guidance correctly from the Noble Book and to live by that guidance. Thus, we hope to get the reward for the patience that we showed towards one another and forgive the mistakes that we make, especially those towards Allah and those towards each other.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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rubbishy surgery recently, Dr. Melissa Hokulea. Along with a bit Narendra Modi de la ilaha illa, Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala saganaki, but also the sub Armenia Aruba, La La mean. So this whole buzz once again, dedicated table, Rahim Allah His Salam. And what I tried to explain last last week was his ability to stand and his commitment to stand for the truth, even if an entire society was going against him. And the fact that he was a young, impressionable man an age in which, you know, we associate that age with people following trends and young people want to be, they want to feel like they belong in a certain group, and they don't want to be an outcast. And

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they want to, you know, as soon as kids go into a high school or a college, especially high school environment, even middle school, middle school, now, they can get made fun of for how they dress or how they talk and how they look and how they walk. And they want to fit in with everybody else, right. And what we're learning from the legacy of this young man, Ibrahim Alayhi Salam is that he didn't care to fit with anybody he was committed, and he knew was something to be right. And whether it's trendy or not, whether it's popular or not, whether it's going to get him in trouble or not. That didn't matter, he stood up for the truth. And that's a remarkable legacy that he left behind

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that, you know, he defied this idea of peer pressure, he crushed that notion, because we are now the family of people to him are the same. It's like he was a nation all by himself. He doesn't have to follow another nations ways. He's a nation all by himself, kind of omoton, which is what we talked about last week. Now, what I want to talk to you about is another kind of pressure, pressure from society is from the outside, but there's sometimes pressure inside the home. That's another kind of pressure, right. And a lot of times, especially, you know, growing up here in the United States, what I've seen among friends, you know, growing up and going to high school here, and even a lot of

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youth talk to me now. And as I as I, as I learned from them, and the kind of experiences they have, a lot of people live two lives, they live a life outside, you know, and then when they come home, they're a different person, and they live a life inside the house. And they have to conform to certain standards of the house. So even if, and I don't necessarily mean that to be a bad thing, but it can go both ways. There pretending to be someone, you know,

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behaved and normal, and maybe even religious inside the confines of the home. And then when they go out, they get to be free. So long as mom and dad aren't watching, we can be ourselves. But the opposite is also true. That outside they get to practice their religion. Outside, they get to actually make, you know, believe in and speak about and live by what they believe to be true. But when they come home, they see certain things but they can't say anything because they get in trouble. If they say something at home, so they have to conform once they enter the confines of the home. And that's that latter scenario. The second scenario in which you may think something is

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wrong, and you know it to be wrong, but it's happening inside your family. And you don't say anything, you just you want to conform, you don't want to raise any trouble. You're going to be considered disrespectful. How can you it's not your place to say that's the scenario that Allah xojo placed Ibrahim alayhis salam in, because he is of course being raised by his father. And regardless whether the conversation gets detracted when we start having debates about whether that was his father or his uncle, that doesn't matter. That's his guardian. For all practical purposes, it's his father, whether it's biological or by guardianship, that's not even the point. So the thing is, on a

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side note, I want to say that a lot of times we start focusing on subjects that the Quran doesn't want us focusing on and they become the topic and that's not the topic, the topic is something else. The topic is a young man who is living inside this house where something very wrong is happening. And yet this person is either his father or his father figure. And he of course, is the patriarch of our Deen. He's the father is the Father, on whom our Deen is even named valetta abiko Abraham who has remarkable muslimeen I say that because one of the most basic fundamental teachings of our religion is respect for our elders, especially our parents will be wildly they need a Sunnah. And

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let me qualify that first. A lot didn't just expect you know, the minimum expectation in everything is what's called Islam. In other words, at least fulfill the minimum requirements. And you'll be okay at least do your five prayers, at least that's the minimum requirement at least give us a call when you're eligible. That's a minimum requirement at least fast to 30 days of Ramadan. If you're capable. That's a minimum requirement. These are the requirements of Islam. If you're capable of performing hajat, like so many armies accepted from them. That's a minimum requirement for those who are capable. But then if you can do your very, very best, like not the minimum, not the passing

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grade, but the very, very best, the A and the A plus. That's called a son. That's not Islam that is a son. But Allah when when it came to worshiping Him, He gave us a minimum standard of Islam, a minimum standard and if you can do better than good for you, but when it came to dealing with our parents

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He set the minimum standard as a son. baka darbuka Allah tabula. Yeah, that's the minimum. Don't do [???] with him. Don't worship anyone except Allah. That's the very least you can do with Allah. Will bill Ali Dini Sanjana.

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At the very least, you have to do your best. There is no other requirement in this religion, in which Allah makes you and me expects from us our very best, as the minimum you can do, except with our parents, except with our parents and to take that even a step further. In sudo Anam Allah azza wa jal made a list of things that are Haram.

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This is something that's mind boggling. It's a list of things at llama at Luma harmonica become problematic. Like, let me let me the Prophet is told, recite to them, a list of things that Allah has made, your master has made her arm on you forbidden things as a list of prohibitions not doing shady, other things. And in that list, Allah mentions remarkably and be the very best to your appearance will be valid any sudden in that area. Now that isn't even about, you know, commands, it's about prohibitions. It's about things you're not supposed to do. So what's the command doing in the middle of Don't, don't, don't don't, all these don'ts and then one do what Bill Valentini Asana,

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why that's a way of teaching that anything short of your son is actually falling under her arm also. anything short of that a son is also falling under Hamza remarkable thing, that anything less than my very, very best is actually a serious sin before Allah when it comes to my parents. So this I want to set that stage for you. This is not a new teaching. This is not something given to those who de la sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. This has been Islam all along. And this is the Islam also Ibrahim alayhi salam. And I wanted to qualify what we're going to learn about Ibrahim alayhis salam today with that first that he knows and he understands better than we ever will, what it means to have a

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son with your parents. What it means to be the very, very best you can be with your parents. Now, having that in mind, I want you to listen to this conversation that a lot of records and select medium. This is a conversation between a young man Ibrahim Ali Salaam and his father. Okay, and I'm going to read through this translation quickly. I'm going to recite the eye out and translate them in flow. Just to give you an idea of what's happening between this father and son so the son speaks Ibrahim Ali Salaam speaks. If caudalie Avi when he said to his father, yeah, but the My beloved father, but he the TA in Abba. That's as opposed to yeah beats Yeah, Betty and that to Sheila lol

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Hope it indicates love. So he's actually lovingly speaking to his father or even throwing in like, Dad, I love you kind of thing that that is encapsulating all of that. So he didn't just say dad, or father or my dad, but my dad, I love you, my beloved father. There's a cushioned beginning and then what does he say? He says, Lima taboo Mallya small whether you boo wallonian cache or why do you worship What can't hear? Why do you worship that? What can't see? Why do you worship something that can benefit you in any possible way? Yeah, but the inika any mineral me, mala Mia take my beloved father, Dad, I love you. knowledge has come to me for sure. That has never come to you.

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I know stuff. You've never known that he's saying this to his father, a young man is saying this to his father. I know things you've never known. And he says fundamentally, because a lot and

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then you follow me. I'll guide you to a straight even way. In other words, you're going on a crooked way. Let me straighten you out. Dad, you need to follow me. You need to be listening to me. Yeah, but the Buddha shavon My beloved father, don't worship the devil. don't worship the devil in the Shavasana kind of money Aasiya. No doubt the devil has always been an ardent open disobedient or openly disobedient to a man to the Most Merciful. Yeah, but the inia hafele and Yama Sakura, double minervois man,

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my beloved father, I'm scared that a punishment from our man from the most beloved, the Most Merciful is going to attack you. It's going to touch you. You're going to get hit with punishment from Allah. For takuna Alicia Pani Walia. And that's because and this is interpreted in multiple ways, but I'll keep it easy for today. You because in a sense, because you have been or you are being a protector and a friend to the devil. You're friends with the devil, which is why you'll get punished. This is what he's telling his father.

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Now, this speech that I've translated so far for you doesn't sound like very respectful. He's telling his dad don't worship the devil. He's telling his dad I know things you don't know you need to follow me what son is going to try this at home. Try it with your dad. See how that goes.

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That you, don't you I have knowledge that you don't have, you need to follow me, okay?

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Is that going to be considered respectful by anyone, and maybe some of you talk that way to your father's. And I would argue that's not respectful. And if your dad is doing something wrong, and for you to go to your dad and say, don't worship the devil, Dad, I'm afraid you're gonna get go to hell because of this.

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That's no way to speak to your father. That's considered disrespectful. I started this club by saying you have to have the very best behavior to your parents. And now we're seeing what seems at face value something to the opposite of what we just learned. And that to exhibit this behavior exhibited by Ibrahim alayhis. Salam? How do we reconcile these two things, it's an important lesson to understand. This is why I wanted to take time to highlight this code. But because we are in this situation, often maybe you find yourself in a family situation, maybe it has to do with your parents. Maybe it has to do with your mother, maybe it has to do with your father, but maybe it has

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to do with other members of your family, other elders, people you're supposed to show respect towards, maybe it's going on with a spouse,

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and you're not able to, and they're doing something wrong. And you're not able to come out and say it because it comes across as disrespectful. The thing you have to appreciate about the Koran is two things. And I hope that as you leave today, as you remember these two things, there is what you say. And there's how you say it. Well, there are two different things, what you say, and how you say it. Now, there's a way to say Mr. equal, and you can say with a smile, you can say it with a hug, you can say respectfully, you can say it with a with a warm look on your face. And you can say some article. And there's a way of saying the same words, which means still Peace be upon you when you

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get a simulacrum.

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Same words, what you say is the same but how you said it changed completely. Now, the thing is, just because you're saying the right words, just because you're speaking the truth. That's not actually the complete part, the complete picture of communication. Communication is two things, what is said and how it is said, those two things combined. The thing about this, this passage is a lot of times people read this and say, Well, he spoke the truth. So we should speak the truth. Whenever something is going wrong. We should speak up and say the right thing. I agree we should say the right thing. But that's only half the equation. You've just talked about what to say. But you haven't paid any

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attention to how to say it. The fact that when he speaks, he openly first declares his love for his father. Yeah, I bet he deserves attention. Allah did not put those words there by accident. These IOD could have been without Yeah, yeah, Bertie is currently a big limitado shape on libata.

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When he said to his father, why do you worship? What can see what can't hear? What can benefit you? The words could have been just like that. But the words Yeah, but they are placed there by Allah to tell us something, this is very important. You have to, on the one hand stick to saying the right thing, no matter what, you can't compromise on that. At the same time, you can compromise on the love, the respect, the the humble tone, the concern, the genuineness with which you communicate that message. So those two things have to stay like pillars in a building, you cannot move them, you cannot compromise one of them or the other. So let me first show you how we compromise these two.

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And how Ibrahim Alayhi Salam didn't compromise these two. What do we do, we do things like this. On the one hand, you say, I want to be respectful. I don't want to be disrespectful, therefore I won't even speak the truth.

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So you want to hold on to being kind and respectful, meaning how to be and as a result of holding on to how to speak, you compromise what to speak. You don't want to touch it. Or the other extreme, you know what I'm going to speak the hook, I heard the hook by today. And I'm going to go do some I'm going to build my roof and now he will call on my mother or my father or whoever else. I'm going to command the good and forbid the evil. And then you want to hold on to speaking the truth. But you forget all about the tone, the attitude, the you know the the the gesture with which the body language even the way your eyes are going to be the way your face is going to be. The way you're

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going to see it yourself. You're not going to be standing when they're sitting down. When pointing down at them. You're not going to be raising your voice. There's you know, Oran doesn't just teach us what to say. There's so much of the Quran dedicated to how to speak, how to speak. You know, the father is giving advice to his son, Look, man is giving advice to his son. And he says well do consulting Keep your voice low. in Kerala, Swati De Soto Hamid, the ugliest of the voices is the brain of a donkey. Why did he say that? Why is that in the Quran? Because it's not just about what to say it's how to say it. Allah will highlight for the you know, you will think a lot when he

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criticizes disbelievers. You only, just criticize

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is the way they you know what they said and what they did, but a level says from another so my boss, our boss are so mad about our stockmar He stared, he frowned, Allah criticizes the facial expressions of a disbeliever when they showed arrogance on their face, without akula, Houma, ofin, you know, don't say off to your parents. And often Arabic isn't just the words of it's

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angry Look, the frustrated look that's also off. So on the one hand, we say, well, we have to be respectful. So we shouldn't say anything. And that means you hold on how to be, but you compromise what to say. On the other side, you say, you know what, I'm fired up. Today, I'm going to speak the truth and you speak your truth. But you speak it in a very disrespectful way. And you tell unshadowed comes to both of these and says, On the one hand, one to one group of people shutdown comes and says, Hey, you did a good job. You were respectful to your parents, you didn't say anything, and you shouldn't, because you have to be the best to your parents remember the first part

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of the whole book before you fell asleep. That part? That's the important part, you were good to your parents. And the other group, Showtime comes and says, Hey, you spoke the truth, great job. You did some roof today, you stood up for the truth, you follow the legacy of Ibrahim alayhi salam, both of these are half the equation. And half the truth isn't the truth. And half guide half of guidances and guidance, you have to hold on to both of these. And it's very, very difficult to do. And let me tell you why it's so difficult to do. First of all, it's very difficult to say something critical to those that we love. It's not easy, especially to someone who's elder, especially to someone who's

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sensitive. And there are people in our family that are very sensitive. You can imagine if you speak to them about certain sensitive things that they're doing wrong, some things that have to be brought up, they might get extremely angry, they might get extremely upset, they might even start crying. They might get you know, depressed, they might have very bad reactions. And you're you know them well enough to know that when you're going to say something that you can already see how this is going to go. You can already see where this is heading you, you're smart enough to know your family. So you know, and this is one of the things that's going to stop you from saying something is going

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to hold you back. This is you know, last week was about peer pressure. This is a different kind of pressure to not stand by the truth. And it's not an easy thing to do that. But this has to be done, we cannot be afraid of the feelings of our loved ones, if we're holding back from saying what we know absolutely know to be the truth. And especially if we're going to do it in the most loving, kind, affectionate sort of way. So even something so harsh, like don't worship the devil, I'm afraid the punishment is going to come to you. He had to seed some really harsh things. But he was saying it in the most loving of ways. And that leads me to the next round. Let's just say that after this

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Goodbye, you've mustered up the courage, and you're going to be someone who can take criticism, because it's not just about you giving criticism, maybe you're the one who has a hard time taking criticism, some of us may be in the position that Ibrahim alayhis salaam found them found himself in. And some of us may be in the position that his father found himself in, we're not just going to compare ourselves to others to them, maybe we're the ones doing wrong. And maybe somebody is trying to tell us and we shut it down. We don't want to hear it. And we put them in their place, or we get extremely offended. And we're not giving it an open ear at all. Maybe that's the case. So now either

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way, what happens next? What happens next often, is that the one you try to tell so lovingly, and I imagine, I don't think any of us is going to be as capable and as sensitive and as delicate. And as respectful and as loving as Ibraheem alehissalaam was when he spoke to his father. And even if you did your very best, even if you did your very, very, very best. That doesn't mean that the one you spoke to won't be hurt and won't be offended or get angry. That's not gonna happen. It might even happen that you may have made in your head, you made such a good argument. You made such a compelling case. You were so logical, and so genuine and so sincere. And so you know, moving in your

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words, but it seems that you were talking to a wall, there was no effect at all. Like they hear you and there's like, like they heard nothing. Like they absolutely heard nothing. And this is an important part of this problem. When we give somebody the truth, when you're going to speak the truth to somebody. Your job is not to convince them otherwise or your job is not. I can't believe I quoted the I art. I quoted the Hadith. I gave like this, I even practice the speech ahead of time, and I gave this epic speech and nothing changed.

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I gave a speech and nothing changed. Who are you? Who am I? Well, no, hello, a salon can preach to his people. He's a much better speaker than you and I for 950 years and nobody listens. He doesn't get offended. How dare they not convert? As soon as I spoke?

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I'm never going to speak to them again. You know what I gave such an amazing bit of advice and look at how it was ignored. I'm done. I'm walking away. No

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You're not

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our job is to actually deliver this, this truth because we are humbled before Allah. You know, in any other conversation, if you're talking to somebody, they don't listen to what you have to say they ignore you, you get offended, you get mad, your self dignity, your dignity kind of gets inflamed. Nobody likes being dismissed that way in conversation. But if that happens to you, in the midst of this conversation, you and I forget something, the fact that we're having this conversation is an act of worship. This is something we're doing for Allah like such that, like Salah, when you're having a conversation, it is an act of worship. In other words, the only one you're looking

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to please is Allah. And when you do something for the sake of Allah, an act of worship for the sake of Allah, you expect no response, no returns from anyone else. You expect no positive results, you expect, while if they like what I have to say, then I'll be happy. If they don't like what I have to say that I'll be offended. It's not your place, because he's the one who changes hearts, not you and me. Our job is to be the most respectful, kind and courteous we can be, and be as honest and genuine as we can be. But at the same time, our job is not to be offended when they don't hear what we have to say. Or they dismiss or they get angry at us like we've committed a crime. And some people are

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very good at that. When you speak the truth with them. They turn it around and turn it into your crime. How can you say this to me? Who are you look at you and they'll flip it over? Like you know, I often talk about how phenomena flipped it over Busan, Islam.

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I want you to hear what his father said, and I'll conclude the hotbar and next time inshallah we'll talk about what Ibrahim Elisa did after this conversation. What was his reaction after this conversation and what we can learn from it. But for now, I just want you to pay attention as we leave to what his father says. All this speech. And his father says, color are all born into an early hottie I Brahim you. You are going to turn away from my Gods Ibrahim. Is that what I'm hearing? You're turning away from my gods.

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You know, Ibrahim Ali Salam said nothing about I'm not going to worship these gods. And Rahim Allah Salam was telling him not to worship these gods.

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And he heard none of it. He heard nothing.

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All he heard was, does that mean you're not the same religion anymore?

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In other words, he heard no criticism of himself. He turned it into how dare you leave the religion of your father?

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He turned it into a criticism of Ibrahim alayhis salaam. You see, he heard nothing. And so Robert Anton Alia ti Rahim. Lambton T and if you if you don't cut this out, if you don't stop if you don't get back in line, or Germanic, I will stone you to death.

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And then of course the stoning to death could be literally stoning to death. Or this is of course parents talk this way. Did he boatyard carta to juggle clunky, right? Mom say these kinds of things that say I'm gonna I'm gonna chop you up and feed it to yourself. feed yourself. That's a box sizing I actually on Instagram recently I asked so what crazy threats did your parents give you? And I got all kinds of responses. Yeah.

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You know, I'm going to take you back back to the village and leave you there and I would have all kinds of threads. So maybe he's just threatening him because you know, or maybe he's at that point where he's gonna he doesn't care and he's gonna kill his son. But I would argue this is more an emotional response. And what does he say at the very least you know what, what Jordan Emelia Leave me alone. Why Jordan, get away from me migrate away from me and Malia means, you know, pylon roll up

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your whole life, I never want to see you again. Go away for a long time. I'd live the way you want. Live. However, the family is a very loaded word live however you want. Get lost. I don't want to see you again. In other words, the father does not want to have this conversation. He's shut every avenue of this conversation down. Ibrahim alayhis salam no longer has any opportunity to speak to his father again, the moment he approaches he says Get away. Get away. I told you to get lost. You can't live here anymore.

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people misunderstand these ions. And what do they think Ibrahim Alayhi Salam spoke the truth. His dad said I don't want to hear it. So he packed his bags. Therefore, I had a conversation with my father. He didn't want to hear that when I moved out. That's why we don't talk anymore. No, it's when his father absolutely pushed him out of his life and said, I want nothing to do with you. Ibrahim alayhis salam is still there. He's still there. But he's not being given the opportunity to be there. He's being pushed away by his own father. That's when he basically decides to depart and that's the part that we're going to talk about later. All of this I shared with you because I want

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you to recognize that those in Sharla not all of you, but at least some of you may be going through struggles like these, maybe not with your parents but with someone else in your family or friends. But when you go through a struggle like this one

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that you're not alone. This is not a situation that's just unique to you. It's never happened before, the best people before a lower put in situations like these. And Elon mentioned those situations so we can learn something from them so we can understand how to navigate those situations, there is no way that these situations will disappear. If there were if it was possible for these situations to be erased, then it would have been erased for people like Ibrahim alayhis salam. So we just have to learn to deal with these situations and develop the guidance and the strength to be able to cope with them in a healthy way. May Allah azza wa jal give us the ability to

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extract guidance correctly from his book and to live by that guidance. May Allah azza wa jal reward us for the patients that we show towards one another, and forgive the mistakes that we make, especially those towards a lie and those towards each other. barakallahu li walakum Quranic Hakim in a funny way, er COVID it was the Kentucky