Keep Your Relationship in Balance

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Nouman Ali Khan

Channel: Nouman Ali Khan

Episode Notes

No point of being a fake Nice guy outside

Episode Transcript

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Your parents did more for you than you can ever do for them. Your mother held you inside her body and sacrificed her own blood to bring you into this world. She almost died to get you here.

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Your father provided for you at a time where you couldn't even feed yourself. You couldn't clean yourself. You couldn't shelter yourself. He provided for you. He provided for your education. He took care of you and actually taking care of your mother is a favor to you.

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When your father took care of your mother, he actually did a favor and is part is a sound on you. Why am I saying that? Because when Allah azzawajal describes Mousavi Salaam.

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And he describes the favours Well, I called them and they come and nothing Matanuska. And so far, we've done you other favors to.

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And part of the favors Allah have done to him for the Navajo for the NACA amico, we returned you to your mom, data camera, I know how well attack is done. So she wouldn't cry. So her eyes could become cool. So she wouldn't be sad anymore. When Allah took care of his mom, ally saying I was doing you a favor.

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So when thing when good is done to your mother, that actually that is a favor on you.

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You owe your father, not just for my mom, I know my mom took care of me. But dad never did anything.

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The fact that he provided for your mom. And for both of you. The fact the fact that he did that, the fact that he was asked winter, that actually in and of itself is a favor, you can pay back.

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Even if he did nothing else, even if he did nothing else. So in all the other relationships, it's as though you have to do the good to them.

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But in this one, in the one two parents, you're constantly paying back and impossible that

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it's an impossible debt. And we're going to be in debt our entire life and still not be able to pay it.

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That's why the best you can do still isn't enough. But try your best anyway. That's why it will be valid any Santa. Having said that, now that's the first part of the equation. But we have to balance it. Having said that, you have to give your wife her rights, you have to give your children their rights, you have to give your siblings their rights, you have to give yourself your rights. You have to balance all of these things. If you don't balance them, then you will end up doing little injustice wrong to at least one of them.

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Either yourself, you'll be wrong in yourself. And upbringing your children, there are some people that are so obsessed with giving to their parents and giving to their parents and giving to their parents that they even take from the rights of their children.

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And sometimes there are parents who ask and ask and ask and ask. And they take more than they're right. When they use the Quran and say, well, no matter how much you do for me is never enough. So give me everything.

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Give me everything and they'll use the ion you assign to them comes from a life not defined by them. Please understand this delicate point. What your parents what you should do for your parents is not defined by them.

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It's defined by you and Allah.

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If they're asking you to sacrifice the well being of the people in your in your care, as they're asking you, for example, some parents asked the husband to punish the wife

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to not talk to her anymore. Some parents asked her husband to not allow some basic rights in the family.

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You can't do that. You can't allow that. When you married a woman, you took her in your care, and you promised to be her lady. You promised a protector. You took the place that her father used to have. Her father would protect her no matter what. And you signed any calf. I have no income mitaka Eva, you took a heavy contract from them. And now they're under your care. So I don't care what your mom told you or what your dad told you. You can do wrong by your life.

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But the flip is also true. You can't listen to your spouse and do wrong by your parents.

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Let me tell you what that means. Gentlemen, myself included.

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You're going to live a life in which somebody is going to be unhappy with you.

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Always congratulations to manhood. Welcome to the club. Somebody will be upset with you Your father will tell you you're not good enough son. Your mother will say you love your wife more than you love me. Your wife will say you don't really love me. You just love your parents. I have nothing to you.

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Your children will say your opinion you know you're always with grandparents. You know with vampire Grandma, you don't care about us. Your grand your your parents will say you care more about your kids in your family. You'll forgotten about us. We're just trash to you. Everybody's

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gonna think that you don't do anything, you're useless. And let me tell you, the only time they might appreciate you is that you're janazah

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he was so good to us, he was really good. You find parents, when their children are alive? Yeah.

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And when they die, he was such a good son.

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He is perfect. He used to take so much care of me.

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Don't for as men, let me tell you something. Don't expect to live a life of appreciation.

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Just don't grow a thick skin.

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But then again, you are you are you can't be you're not angels. You're human beings. And when you are being pulled in every direction, and everybody is satisfied with you, and everybody's unhappy with you. And eventually something inside, you will break.

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Eventually,

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you can't balance all of this, you just can't.

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You're not you're gonna have to learn to do to find the balance between two things. One, you get so angry and say I can never make anyone happy anyway, so I stopped trying.

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Forget

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the other extreme, you keep trying to make everyone happy. And the only one miserable left is who? yourself you're miserable.

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And when you're miserable, you can't be good to anybody else.

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You're no longer going to be able to be a good father, a good husband, a good son, you can do those things. If you lost yourself. You cannot.

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There are some times in our relationships that we are the abuser, the men are the abuser. We're the ones that are not giving the rights. And sometimes we are in relationships with the people that need from us. The people that depend on us become abusive, they become abusive towards us. You have to draw that line of what your rights are, you have to be able to demand your rights. And at the same time you have to make sure you're not an oppressor. We live in a society where it's almost assumed that if something goes wrong, it must be because men are messed up.

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Man anomalism s messed up. There are plenty of men who mess up in the Koran there are plenty of women messed up in the Quran.

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Human beings are messed up. Human beings have greed. Human beings want more. They're never satisfied. And you're in the middle of just relationships, each of whom want from you all the time. You're going to have to learn to draw the line and you have to be able to go to sleep at night saying I did justice.

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I didn't shortchange my wife. I didn't shortchange my children. I didn't take the rights away from my work. I didn't take the rights away from my parents, and with your parents, you have to practically not idealistically practically be able to say I did the best I could.

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I did the best I could. And being realistic, not idealistic.

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But on emphasizes the rights of parents Absolutely.

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Ibraheem alehissalaam leaves the home Yes or no?

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He leaves the home.

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He could just stay there and keep getting beat up.

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But he leaves the home.

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There are Sahaba who are put in impossible situations like Saudi Arabia, cos smother says, I'm going to starve myself to death because you became Muslim.

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Like, I hate you, I hate a song. You can read it, I can't take it. I'm gonna starve myself. And he's she and she was a single mom, she raised him.

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And he's dying, watching his mother not eat a morsel.

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But he can't leave Islam.

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He won't leave us alone. This is the kind of sometimes the emotional torture and the psychological torture is far worse than any physical torture. And sometimes the people that torture us the worst are the people that are the closest to us in ways that are not physical.

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You know, a physical abuse is easy to identify. Emotional psychological abuse is hard to identify. My talk with you tonight is about two things. One, do a good deep inspection of yourself are you perpetrate? Are you a criminal, are you doing abuse?

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And number two, equally important, are you the one being abused.

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Because if you're the one being abused, a lot depends on you. And if you're the one being abused, you're going to broke, you're going to break. And when you break, you're not going to be able to do what you're supposed to do. You're not going to be able to maintain, don't worry about making people happy. You can't live on naseeha to law to drug making, making people happy is a Kenyan, there's no bottom to it.

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You have to be able to make a lot happy. You have to be able to tell yourself in all consciousness that you did not you can stand in front of a life you die right now. You can stand in front of a line say Allah I did not take her rights, his rights, their rights. I didn't do wrong by them. I did right by them. I know they don't feel that way. But you know, and I know what I did. That's son. Your son is about your own conscience.

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Because if you go by people's standards, you are worthless no matter what you do.

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No matter what you do. Our parents, for example, from different cultures, they have this thing no matter how well you do. You could be the head of, you know, cardiac surgery at a hospital, you're the most successful have their children. And they look at you and say, you know, I expected so much more.

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Everybody else looks up to you. But your parents are like your Why are you such a loser? Why are you such a disappointment?

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They're just not good enough. That's okay. You're not good enough for them? Maybe? Maybe you're not good enough for your wife. She talks down to you all the time. She makes you feel like garbage all the time. Maybe your children make you feel bad. Maybe that's the case? I don't know. But no one thing you have to do, right by law. That's it. You have to be able to say that I did my part. You know, and I stood by Justice. This is, you know, while Buddha law with a Toshi COVID he will validate Nia Salah, and once you can maintain that insight, and that's enough pressure on itself, then Allah did not leave you and me at that.

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Well, God will corba was Charles University sahibi will be Wabi Sabi. Oh my goodness.

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You know, so there is the close relatives on top of that. So on top of the immediate relationships, there's a close relatives you have to keep track of. And he says you have to take care of your neighbor, who's got good relations with you close friends, vilcabamba, Somalia, my included friends in them. Take care of your friends, especially the ones who live in your neighborhood, check on them, you know, keep tabs on them find out if they need anything. You know, the more you take care of other people, the more Allah takes care of you.

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So just do it's a selfish thing. Actually, taking care of people alone will solve a lot of your problems, when you go out of your way and check on people and, you know, show courtesy to them, show mercy to them. And then he says, you know,

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even even when you're traveling,

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and there's, you know, jelly jump, there's somebody sitting next to you on a train on a plane. There's somebody next year on a bus, you're sharing a cab with somebody you're sitting next to somebody in like a lobby, at a doctor's office or an airport, even show axon to them, be good to them, show them some goodness they have courtesy to they deserve something to literally the idea of axon is so profound that when you're driving on the highway, the driver next to you in the car next to you is actually a jar to use a neighbor to you by your side. So you not indicating and abruptly changing lanes as you violating the signer you didn't do it to him

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you cut them off you literally like some guys about to park and you like

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you know cuz you want to catch Jamal or something. This is you violating your sovereignty your neighbor. This is Exxon Assamese do a favor, bigger show goodness. So that goodness, it starts with your family and then extends outward. And that's the last thing I want to share with you a lot higher is that, first of all, there's the minimum relationship with Allah, then it's your parents, then it's close relatives, then its neighbors, what does it seem? It seems that the thing that is the relationship that is the closest most intimate to your heart is first, then we go to human relationships. And the most close human relationship is what your own your own appearance, then

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closest relatives, which of course includes spouse, children, others, and then it moves outward. And why is that important? Because unfortunately, you find the reverse sometimes you find somebody who's very nice in the community, really nice to people Salaam, how are you gives you a hug checks on you, really nice guy, except when he closes the door behind him and he gets home, that he's phenomenal. All of a sudden, you wouldn't even recognize him.

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You will not recognize what happened to this guy.

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The voice changes the temperament changes to become somebody else. Allah is basically telling us in this sequence, there's no point of view being a nice guy outside.

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If you can show that first your own parents, to your own spouse to your own children. If you can't do that, first, you can extend that goodness first and everything outside is fake. That is of no value and of no consequence. Right. So this this, I wanted to highlight because in a very realistic sense, I acknowledge that men have quite a few pressures on them. If you're going to be able to fulfill your responsibilities, then you have to make sure you are at least receiving some of your most basic fundamental rights. You have to receive your rights because that is a need of the human being. If you're not a for example, if your children don't respect you

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will don't give you the minimum respect does not even say Salaam to you. It'll eat away at you. It'll hurt you. And it'll it'll affect you in ways you don't realize it'll affect maybe the way you deal with other people.

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You know, it will affect you emotionally, spiritually psychologically it will have other effects. So fix those relationships, not just in fulfilling your obligations which comes first, but also at the same time learn to demand your rights also, but not go you know out of your way in demanding the rights you have you have certain rights and you're entitled to them, allows the widget makers and people of balance