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Marriage Workshop – Session 5

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Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Let's quickly think

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of the child custody rules the same, it's simpler to say. There's no difference. cola is when it's a financial payment.

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from experience, how has it

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gone for people who try to marry second wife? sometimes don't secretly? I'm sure you see, how do you think I'm sure you've seen

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secretly you shouldn't be doing it secretly that's for sure. There's no Baraka in any marriage. The whole Knox does have Nuka You know, when a marriage is done secretly, you know, there's some problem.

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The whole Knox of Amiga the measurements of the loved ones lives in our you know, how the maker, why are you hiding?

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Secret marriages don't see is true. I've seen a lot of things.

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Most marriages, second marriages that are done secretly they don't survive. It's just last

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year's one or two years

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of a woman will be in a problematic situation. I honestly do. First of all, if you're doing a second marriage, I really don't advise that as well. In this day and age.

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It's harder. It's permissible, but I don't really advise it. One is difficult enough for people. So really, like I was saying yesterday, it's mostly lust. You could have three, four needs to be happy. Sometimes there is a genuine need. Sometimes it's genuine needs. So if there is like a genuine need,

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then just do it in a nice normal weight like a proper have a big massive volume and in gentlemen.

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Secondly,

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there's no need to do a secret, especially with us sisters, If any man is wanting to do Nygaard secretly just No, just say no. Then they'll all get sorted out no for secret marriages. Because the only person that's going to lose out is a woman in this case. They will use you abused you and when they're done their job and the

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finished satisfied. They move on, then find another one.

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So no secret marriages.

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If a woman's husband is in jail,

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for 25 year sentence or life sentence and refuses to divorce, she can get a passkey Yes, yes, she can do definitely.

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Actually, there's old rulings that if it's like more than a year or two, you can get faster. So definitely

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get first but the people who do the first then they will look at the situation, etc. and then see.

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So many questions. Does that still get counted if husband says it casually.

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If you don't do this, I will give you to know that's not because he's saying I will give you

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he can say 100 times I am going to I will give you I will give you I will give you its present tense or past tense I have given you I am giving you not I will whenever the word I will come to there's no news.

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And he has a habit of muttering you often don't have a habit. You have to tell him stop this because next time I will turn into I am giving you and then it will be a problem.

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Just the word divorce should not be in the vocab of any couple.

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Take out the taboo word to say this. This house we don't use the word de la and divorce.

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Never use that word.

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Unless

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you have to really sit down and discuss it because there's a lot of problems in the marriage. When it's your right to address porn issues. to children as a parent, there's no specific time I can't say like nine years and three months, not 10 years and four months. Each individual person is different

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look at your children. See how they are

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Be careful and visit you know me Be careful be up be on God.

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Sometimes like the brother was asking me right now in the break, sometimes what's what's good is just talk about these issues in a very casual manner. In a very casual, generally not too much. Rather than telling them about it, how long it Islamorada all of that.

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Talk about that's why I was talking about the harmful effects. So maybe like you can just see when they like about 1415

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You know, maybe just say, you know, some people see things inappropriately, this is one person, he stopped his studies. He's not successful in life, you know, he's become lazy, he's become withdrawn.

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just general harms of, and this will cause a hatred for this in the hearts.

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What age is appropriate? Read the book qualified?

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It's just depends on I think they probably have adults maybe like 1819, like from the late teens, adults, I think.

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I don't think for young teenagers 1920 from that age onwards,

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how do we control pollution in children because they have many to

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cut off the means. Don't give them their own phones have control over the access to the online internet, have the securities on your laptops, on TV have parental control, there's a lot of ways how parents are controlling passwords, they own the TV, until they you know, they don't have access to any of this. Lots of ways.

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Young men are from Mars, women are from Venus. If you can see the difference

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is a patriot. And here the two

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women like to express in a more detailed way, which is no problem. Neither This is better than that. It's just difference. Not saying this is bad. This is bad. Man will say two lines. Nice long, and then she's got an arrow here.

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It's quite long.

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Okay.

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Just thinking which is,

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this looks a bit clearer when considering a woman. And so when considering a divorce as a woman, what is the role of the parents, parents if the parents disagree? How do you approach the situation?

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Again, like I said, When parents,

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talk to them, discuss it with them. And you can mention the reasons why you want to divorce

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and see what they say. So don't, you don't have to obey them, but respect for them is necessary. So with respect with hikmah, with wisdom, talk to them. Reason with them a show about does it lead to divorce, if you are in an argument and another family member is there, your sibling, and the husband tells the sibling in front of the wife, I will keep again I will I will never divorce.

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Don't worry too much. I know happens very easily. But it doesn't happen just like that. I will future doesn't occur.

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If a husband divorces his wife three times that he's still spending his to spend at his house. Yeah, she does. A guy supposed to be done in the house where the divorce occurred. If you don't want her to spend a day at your house, send her to a parents house and

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then

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move wherever you want to take place, go and stay there before the divorce. Because the house you will live in is not just like visiting living. Like that's your place where your belongings are and your clothes are and everything. That's the house you have to perform. Unless exceptions like you know the houses and safe, etc, etc, then there are exceptions to the rule and

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woman's rights as well. woman's rights well known amongst both spouses, however, I feel like men have minimal rights

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in marriage, probably because I don't know, what would be no matter how many human rights it's because you're living in the United you're living in North America. That's why because the world is just talking about women rights here. That's why

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she came in England, the wife will be saying looks like all the rights of men, but some men to feel here that all the rights are just women. And I've seen this I've been coming here for many years. So it's equal to Marie. And like I said, rights, marriage is not about our own rights. It's all about giving about what rights we have to give. So besides sexual rights,

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a woman smiling at you as a beautiful, right? Just imagine your wife smiles at you. So much enjoyment in that.

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You don't think about these things.

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She spoke to you in a soft tone.

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Did that is that a woman spoke to me in a soft tone. I didn't deserve that.

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outside marriage, no woman should be smiling at me.

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She smiled at you. She came in you know, has two shoulders.

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These are things we just generally like, Madam, we take things for granted.

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To be happy in this life is taking each blessing

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to take each blessing appreciate

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your drinking water I know did you deserve that water? As people in the world who don't have water?

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We are human beings. We complain, we just look at negatives too much. We don't look at the positives.

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Salaam Alaikum alaikum Salam when your husband is angry with you, because you do not want to join the gathering that has music and then intermingling in it? Whether it is from inside of myself, or should I have to

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don't make it as a personal argument with your husband. And you know, rather than deal with it in an Islamic way, say, look,

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you know, half the problems in life could be solved in the way you deal with them.

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So you don't want

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to come to this gathering, I want to comment, I'm crying, I'm crying. I want to come but as a music and as home but like

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I can't I'm gonna miss you know, your companionship, how can I be at home without you for so long? You know? And then your family and you know, I want to be by your side and you know, I want to be with you and

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I want to be practicing. I don't want to do something.

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Because this woman told me not to but you know, I'm just so sad. Why can't I come? You know? Is it possible for them not to have music there? Or how long things taking place? People will reason reason with you, rather than you say no way Are they practicing and practicing. I don't do music, corrupt, okay? It's just gonna he's gonna become more aggressive. It's just a way how you deal with situations, people become less aggressive or more aggressive. So if it's clear, clear, clear, then, of course you can't go because there's no obedience to creation that results in disobedience to the Creator.

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Is it understandable that a husband psychologically needs to feel respected from his wife? However, if Is there such thing as showing him too much respect, that can lead him to have an ego.

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Give me an excuse to give him until now I was thinking now giving him an excuse to verbally abuse his wife.

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If you're just thinking this, that it might happen, but there's no reason for you to think this will happen. And why are you thinking I shouldn't expecting too much? You know, this sometimes this happens for women like the play hard to get like I shouldn't I shouldn't you know, I need to stand on my ground. I need to like not be walk walked over, etc. If I be too nice to him, then he's gonna be this.

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All these things, just best of relationships. Best of people are those who are naturally slept everything naturally flow. A man who is just natural, a woman was natural. Just make a relationship. Don't play mind games.

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Don't play mind games. Mind Games are problematic. You get depressed yourself and

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easygoing people without just natural relationship. Don't worry. Like if I say he's going to take advantage of me. Why are you worried about all of these things? Yes. If there's a genuine reason that he was verbally abusing you, then yes, you know, he's going to start abusing me I have to stand my ground, then there's a reason but without a reason, just thinking that this will happen and that will happen. And I don't think

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we should be like avoiding things just how you feel. Sometimes you want to go in like, Really? I want to go and press my husband's feet. If I do that, it's gonna get

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it's gonna get ego. I'm doing just follow your heart.

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What would be a good strategy?

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Anyway, okay.

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That was the same question.

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If a husband and wife getting divorced, does the

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man's ex mother in law still remain?

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If If a husband wife get divorced,

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does the man's ex mother in law okay. His wife's mother still remained mom like if the marriage was

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never consummated.

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Well, Omaha

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Omaha.

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Omaha, Tony sorry, the mothers of your wives. Yeah, so yeah, even if the marriage wasn't consummated, your ex mother in law. You can never marry her ever. And there's Magnus Mamiya

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without consideration

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whereas for the woman, the father in law is only when the marriage is consummated. Just make

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it simple issue. Okay. The long question here are long questions. If one, if one is a child of divorced parents and has parents using the kids to get back at

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I'm not getting this even close to 10 years after divorce, what should they do the anger hatred will not and is ruining our lives. How should one respect treat obey the mother and father, mostly mother's mother creates harm the father continues

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if you have divorced parents, and has parents using the kids to get back at the other

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not really understanding this too well. So let's just

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leave it for now. inshallah is first of all, because we know that after several years, if they want to remain can they get? Like, I think,

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correctly, understanding the new new car would be valid? I think not too sure. I'll have to double check this. But I think it's just one block by basically, which is not normal.

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But I'm not 100% sure, you could just double check that to ask someone else.

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Stay this one. Can you explain the three divorces again?

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When does it become

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when in marriage, you have three final divorces or three. So if there's one divorce, then after that, you can get back together again, whether it's a new new car, a new marriage, that's after the waiting period. And if it's in the waiting period, then you just take the life back.

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But then that's one then in the future, you could give a second divorce. And when you're in your marriage, you have three divorces. And that becomes absolutely final

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and super revoke. So basically, one is revoke an irrevocable there could be one but non revocable. That's why I didn't talk about this. But there's one.

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For example, look, for example, a man says to his wife, I'm giving you an irrevocable non reversible divorce. So that's one but not reversible. What does that mean?

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You can't get back together again you know,

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if you do want to get back together again then you can do so but through only a deca.

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So one can be non reversible. reversible means like with Arnica, he can just take your wife back.

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So, one reversible non reversible basically means that without knickers, you can have one reversible, non reversible. Two can be reversible, non reversible. Three is always super non reversible, because even in the car is not possible after three

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to five more minutes.

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What do you do when your spouse tells you during arguments that I will separate again? Who wants to live with you? You're such and such type of women. It's bad

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words like that or not Scott? Like I said, Well, you know, the tongue.

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JOHN,

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john Lisa, rules with a tongue

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sometimes are more harmful than physical wounds.

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wounds.

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So really control the time where the men or women control control button. Sometimes some men they think that you know, because sometimes women are affected more with what you say, than men. That's how it is. So some husbands don't realize they just think like that. Again, they think they're just talking to their mate who they used to hang around Tim Hortons with. Like he said, Oh, you know, you're like, this is forgotten.

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She would remind me after 34 years and 53 days, that in 2014, when we were both down here, you said this

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is status. So don't you know Don't say things like this, like, you know, control the tongue.

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Even women, sometimes women use the tongue as well, like, that doesn't mean that everything's Hellenic. You can just use it to control the time we will be questioned about what we say with our mouth.

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The tongue is a very delicate part of the body. So I think that like so yeah.

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And if you want to divorce don't don't keep on talking. There's two things that people keep on doing. Men

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They keep on talking about second wives, but they're never going to do it.

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And they keep on talking about divorce, but they're never going to do.

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Don't keep on talking. If you want to do a second wife just do it. But don't keep on talking about it. Don't give a slow, painful death.

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Slow, painful death. I want to get a second one, I'm gonna get a second one. I'm serious resistance if he keeps on talking about.

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That's what he's talking about. He's just trying to make himself happy. The ones who actually want to do it, they don't talk about it.

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So, and I said, I'm gonna recommend to be honest settlements, generally. So and divorce as well. Don't even say, I'll give you a divorce. I'll give you a divorce. It's like a threat.

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Right about this is sinful haram for a man to keep on threatening his wife for divorce, psychologically? Yeah, I'm gonna divorce you and divorce you a little.

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If you want to divorce, okay, go ahead and do the divorce

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is not the goal of our last panelist.

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And then someone's asking these words,

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and things like that. And whether it's Can I or not? I don't think so. I haven't read from you. But most likely, it's not unless it is not the intention of divorce.

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Let's leave that.

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What is the Hong Kong of

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pain court ordered spousal support? after divorce? What is this I mean, I don't even know what happens. You

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could auto pick something up.

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What happens?

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Whose child is someone else's child, his own child, you don't need a court attorney, you have to depend on your own children.

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That's the problem. People think when you divorce your child is now the wife's channel, my child

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is your own children.

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If it's more than asking for something else, but if it's you have to islamically you have to pay for your children anyway.

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After the law, I don't think your children are no longer young children, they are more your children they are they will always remain neutral. And women don't make, you know, take away your children from their fathers. Like I mentioned. So if it's a court order payment for children, then you should be paying for children.

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Look, when divorce takes place.

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Child Custody rules, the man has to pay for his payment islamically for the wife. That's basic requirement. After a period he doesn't have to necessarily pay any money for his ex wife. It's good if he does, but he doesn't have to. But he has to pay for his own children because they're his own children. So now if the child children are living with who

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the mother, so for example, their house, they're renting the house, for example. And you've got three children, they're your children as well as husband. So there's four people living in that house, then you will need to pay three quarters of all the costs of that property. If you don't want to pay for your ex wife, fine. But you will have to pay three quarters of the lodging of the primative electricity bill the gas bill everything until your children don't become balanced. They your children whether they were living, you know, one brother said but she's not demanding this merchant. I said forget all that. If they were living with you, how much would you pay? I paid this

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much, which was more than what she was demanding. So why you want to pay less when they're living with

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someone pointed when they're not living with you and the living after the law. Why have they become less of your children have developed?

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Yes, sometimes your ex wife makes them less of your children, then yes, you can understand that's why women don't cut off this relationship. Let them send them go live. They take you spend all the money, go on a date, spend spend by them everything. Stay with your dad, when you come back here and go back there. This is an amicable divorce.

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The more connection you x the father will have the more he will want to pay for his children.

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So anyway,

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since a few left, we need to end now because time is short and I need to go somewhere

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Just trying to see which one's the shortest type of

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if

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muscular fit, I think that's why certain fit husband keeps constantly criticizing his wife's finger

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could be politician could be represented as possible.

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Marriage that is good, but has some become dull after years.

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This is very common.

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It can be look, nothing, no marriage will mean in terms of sexual relations as it was on the first night, the second night

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is normal. You increase in love however.

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So,

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what are simple tips to improve marriage?

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I am not like an expert on this. I know I've written a book but

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one thing that comes to mind like I was saying on the first day, when you start off marriage, don't go into too much.

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Or somebody said, well, you're

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gonna have a rush. So keep the separation a bit from beginning like, in the beginning, you can't leave each other like

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cuddling, cuddling, like you're sitting in front of parents cuddling like next to each other first week like currently filling the Newtonian cuddling in two weeks for 50 years 50 years of intimacy you've done in two weeks

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relax relax, you need to spread it out for like 5060 years easy Take it easy don't go too crazy then he shall be spread out that's just one thing that's come to my mind

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Yes, can you address phone cell use usage ruining relationships? Of course it is not just in a wrong way like we were talking about porn etc. But honestly this is actually very important point. general usage of the phone it's it's really a marriage record.

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One of the worst things you can do is you be with your family and you're constantly on WhatsApp.

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Constantly on your phone

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that's something that really irritates me. It's like you come sell the house on the phone like leave it put it away

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constantly people on phones husbands wives

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this phone you know caused a lot of problems in marriage. If you need to talk to someone fine here and there. It's okay but after that should you should have like I said last year, every family should have like to our gadget free zone

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one hour, two hour whatever. Everyone in the house will put away every phone everything every gadget technology will be off the Wi Fi will be off from the mains. Can you have like a system by the company that every day between 6pm to 8pm? No Wi Fi Is it possible?

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That that'd be great. You should do that sorry. And then just TV laptops everything like one hour whatever. Having proper connection father mother, brother sister, everybody together like in the house talk talk to one another. So that's one way inshallah I'm thinking I was able to finish this I've done most of them

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1229 1213 max now

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what if you're in an incompatible marriage after divorces and divorce is not an option because our children we want them then to support inshallah inshallah Allah reward if you look down or because the tournament

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is the rewards. Yeah, there are rewards if you do soccer on us, of course, suburban and you remain in that marriage, and you don't want to just go for divorces. Of course there are rewards inshallah. Luckily,

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you don't have to, but definitely you.

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Can a man marry a woman of another mother? Seek.

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What does this mean kind of man marry a woman of another mother

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sequin

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The religion so that's like seek

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hope that's what the asking hope there will be Muslim Shafi Hanafi

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has is that is that even a question?

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The problem is we've made Hanafi Shafi as though it's Hindu, Sikh, Christian.

00:30:24--> 00:30:26

Anyway, I think we'll end with this inshallah.

00:30:28--> 00:30:38

I couldn't finish these questions, but hopefully, whatever has been covered a lot of our grantees benefit and give us the ability to show up