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Creating A Health Family Culture 01

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Moutasem al-Hameedy

Channel: Moutasem al-Hameedy

Episode Notes

Sheikh Moutasem informs us about the safe method’s on creating a healthy family culture. The Do’s and Dont’s.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa. But this is a very challenging topic. But it ties in nicely with something I said yesterday, but even if you weren't here yesterday, still the topic will make a lot of sense in Sharla.

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Creating a cultural and why do we need to talk about creating a family culture?

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Why not just talk about, you know, what we should do, what we shouldn't do the do's and the don'ts, why just not that, why not just just give very practical, simple,

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you know, recommendations. And that's how it works. Humans don't function as do and don'ts. He was don't just take instructions. And that's why if you look into Islam, you will find this not just do and don't.

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Actually, at the very beginning of Islam, it started mainly with

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very little do's and don'ts.

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Almost no do's and don'ts. With mainly building a belief, State of Belief, building what we call the data, we believe in what we hold on to daily in our hearts.

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Because humans, the behavior of humans, the things that we do externally, are a mere reflection of what we believe in inside.

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So if we focus just on what we should do, and what we shouldn't do, without changing the system, which is the software, if we don't change that we won't be able to sustain these actions won't be able, and this is the reason why most people can't break through there, they can break their bad habits, they can't build new good habits. The reason is that working only on the actions, you might push yourself, use your willpower to do something you're not used to, or to stop doing something that you have built as a habit, trying to stop it trying to change it, you might be able to pull that off for a couple of days, a couple of weeks, maybe a month. But as soon as we as you let go is

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just like a spring that you have pulled from both sides, you've extended it, once you let go of it, we'll go back to its original shape. That's how humans behave. So the reason we're talking about culture is that culture is the philosophy or the soft system behind these actions, the good actions that we want to cultivate. And yesterday I talked about some of the things that parents should adopt, and look into and investigate and maybe try to learn more about as to how we should do with our kids in order to prepare them for a future that is really challenging, that is really challenging. We live in challenging times. And by the way, this statement has always been used

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throughout the ages. So every time is challenging, and our times are challenging, but it's just when people face new types of challenges, they think or these challenges are just bigger than what we had, because we became desensitized to the challenges we went through. So any generation, the the now the the people that are in a position of parenthood, their parents, people that are parents, you know, you you went through challenges that were very difficult for your parents, that seemed to be surprising, and overwhelming to your parents, because they went through a different set of challenges. And they think your challenges are bigger than this. And, and this is how the cycle goes

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on and on. So in order for us to adopt the right behaviors, we need to build a culture of family culture and a family culture is more of a philosophy is a set of beliefs. Its whole system. It's a way of life that the family adopts collectively. And that's the difference when we talk about the individual level. We talk about beliefs, convictions, perceptions, and actions and habits. We will talk on an individual level. When we talk on a collective level, we call the same things culture. So culture is basically a set of beliefs, understandings, and attitudes and actions. But when it's shared by a group of people, we call it culture. We call it culture. How should they or what are the

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main themes or the main components of the family culture in Islam, the family culture of Islam, the main theme, the main theme is love. The main theme is love. And love is something that the Muslim scholars have talked a lot about, but in our times it has not really been explored enough. It has not been utilized enough as it was in the old times. One of the great scholars of Islam, even taymiyah and also his students. He repeats this

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Same statement in a couple of his books. And he says

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the word love or the concept of love is at the heart of Islam

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is at the heart of Islam.

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And then he says, but the Koran usually doesn't refer to it as love. doesn't use the word hope or muhabba in Arabic,

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but the Quran and the Sunnah, use synonyms that are situational that are suitable. So for example, love of Allah.

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Allah subhanaw taala doesn't usually call it love in the Koran.

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Or in the center. They usually refer to Allah smart Allah usually refers to it as worship, as worship

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and love for the parents.

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Usually the religious texts the Quran and the Sunnah refer to it not as love, but as Bill

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as Bill and the love the parents have for their kids. Allah subhanaw taala refers to it not in the sense of love, not using the word love, but to put it in its right context. The last one Allah says yeah, you have Medina Amano, oh enforcer como la comme na koto, na sua gr.

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O you who believe protect yourselves and your families, that means your spouses, your children, and it could extend even to your parents, to your brothers and sisters, your siblings, etc.

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From a fire who's wood, or who is whose fuel is rocks and human beings.

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So even taming says, Allah doesn't refer to this as love but Allah uses the word that is suitable for that context.

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Then Evan Tamia explains he himself expounds and he says, just to talk about the concept of love, because for too many Muslims, that seems to be a very alien concept, we talk about love, talking about love, even taymiyah himself says, about his, his connecting something, he's connecting what we call the Lordship of Allah robia to Allah here to the worship of Allah. He's connecting what we call, Kabbalah, him Kony, to Kabbalah, a shell a, the decree or the command of Allah that is universal, that has to do with the creation, and the word of Allah and the legislation of a law that has to do with what we should do as human beings when we are supposed to do. So he connects all of

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these things together when he says

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everything in this universe is based and built on love. The force that underlies everything in this universe in the creation of Allah is the power of love.

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Then he says laryea to help work Who? Second What are your school motto Henry can we handle cone while agoncillo motto? One at a time the Hello Korea

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Illa will may have done.

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He says there's nothing that stands still that start smoothing and nothing in motion that comes to a standstill. No rainfalls, no wind blows, except that the power behind it is love.

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Love of what love of Allah subhanaw taala love of Allah. And that's how the universe worships Allah. When the rain falls, it falls because it tries to please Allah. It is expressing its own love for Allah. This is our lives.

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Everything in the universe loves a lot and moves by the love of Allah.

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only humans and jinn are given the choice either to move by love of Allah or love of other things.

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So now I'm not going to expand more on this, but I want to borrow this concept and take it into the family. Some people might say, Oh, you don't find in the Quran that Allah Subhana Allah says love your children.

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You don't find in the Quran, Allah subhanaw taala says, For example, love, you know your spouse's. But there are things in the Arabic language and this is generally the Arab, the Arab culture in the past, things that are obvious, don't need to be stated. They don't need to be stated. Does anyone really expect others to tell us to love our kids? You're not supposed to. No one's supposed to teach you they're not supposed to remind you of that. Because that's human nature. And that's exactly what the what the the prophets said to their people. When the Prophet said came to their people and they said to them worship Allah subhanho wa Taala alone. So their message was to worship Allah alone.

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Worship Allah subhanaw taala alone.

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Now the there are people had different argument, they said, is a lot even there.

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So what was the response of the of the prophets they said a filler Hey, check

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you doubting Allah.

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It's so obvious that Allah is there. You're doubting this. So the fact that these people are doubting the existence of Allah subhanaw taala made no sense, made no sense. It's completely against human nature. And it doesn't need to be no one needs to be told that Allah is there. And I know some some of you might have the question. Now, there are a lot of atheists agnostics today, and there are doubt there are millions of them that doubting, basically, these people grow grew into that. They grew into that the prophets of Salaam said koulamallah, they knew that

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each human being is born on a state of Fatah. And the scholars and the companions have explained What's the meaning of Fatah recognizing Allah subhanaw taala, knowing him and loving him. That's what

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everyone knows a lot is there. And this is why, you know, some some people in debates, they came up with this statement, which is true, they said, there are no atheists in a crashing plane.

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Because once someone comes face to face with death, obviously, all of these in our false arguments that they entertain, and all this intellectual, false intellectuality will actually be removed. And the only thing that will transpire to come to the surface is their true nature, which is knowing that Allah is there, and he's in charge, and he's the only one who can save them. So again, back to parenthood. So family culture in Islam is supposed to be built on love, on love. And you don't need any kind of direct statement about this. Just look at the example of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the example of the Prophet the prophet SAW Selim, for example, when his son Ibrahim was

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born, his son Ibrahim was born.

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It was narrated in a couple of narrations out of the prophets of cinema go every now and then he would go home and he would hold Abraham in his hands and he would kiss him.

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And he would say this is my son Ibrahim. So the prophets of Salaam, how he dealt with his adopted son at the time, they even know how

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the prophets of Salaam dealt with him with so much respect and love, how the process of them dealt with his wives. How the prophet SAW Selim dealt with his grandchildren, how the prophets of Salaam dealt with the children of his own companions. There was so much love. One day the prophet SAW Selim was sitting among his companions, and also saying comes about the prophet SAW Selim holds him tight, and he kisses him and he plays with him. So there is one of the companions who comes from the desert is a better one.

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Been habits? He says our Taco Bell una subiaco. Do you kiss your children,

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you kiss your male children, your boys, you kiss them. Like he found that to be, like, inappropriate.

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The prophet SAW Selim looks at him and he says, In the heart of

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this mercy, and another narration of the Hadith the prophet SAW Selim says to him, one man Lika Lika, and another Allah Ramadan called back, what do I have to offer you If Allah has taken mercy away from your heart? Is this something to question even though you should show love and compassion to children? So the first and most important pillar in the family culture in Islam is love. And love has a healing power has a healing power. And I know, I know that parents love their children. But oftentimes, there are impurities that blemish that love, or that hold it back, thinking we have to be on top of our children with everything, thinking that our children cannot make a mistake.

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Thinking or children cannot make a mistake. From a young age, if the child makes a mistake, it's a disaster. So we say I'm disciplining the child, I'm being harsh against the child, I'm being critical of the child because I love him or because I love her. I don't question the fact that you love them.

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I don't question that. But the child, if you keep treating the child that way, the child will grow to question this.

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He or she will grow to question this. And if they question it, what will happen because humans live on love. Humans need love. They need affection. They need acceptance from people around them. They need this kind of relatedness. This authenticity and this trust in their in very close relationships. Once you hold it back by means of discipline by means of being harsh, by means of being critical to your child, you jeopardize or you risk losing your child. Why? Because the child will start questioning whether you will love them or not. And you can actually hear a child when one of their parents disciplines them. They say I don't think my mom loves me.

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I don't think my dad really loves me. I think he hates me. You will find the child saying this and you say I was just a child. No, five minutes later, they'll change right they will change but this stain will stay in their hearts and if they accumulate

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They will come to a point where as they said, yesterday, they will hold back the trust from their parents. And they will start questioning that love and becomes a permanent state. And the children will start to look for love, for trust for listening air outside of the house, outside of the house. And that's when your influence over your child is diminished, or at least minimized. And that's the main point that we have to understand. So the first and foremost

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elements within the culture of a family building is, is love. And as I said, we all have love, but what should we do, we should make love a parent in the family. So I'm not going to keep this as a theory.

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I don't want to keep it as a theory.

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Let's do it practical.

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Every day,

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in the morning, again in the morning, because this is the time when your mind and heart are fresh.

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Remind yourself that these children of mine

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are a gift from Allah Subhana, WA, tada, I don't own them, I don't possess them. Allah has given them them to me as a trust in order to cultivate them, to prepare them for life, to tell them about Allah and educate them and prepare them.

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And all I have to do is give them my unconditional love. And give them everything I can in order to prepare them for life. And show them the way that leads to paradise.

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But I'm going to love them no matter what. And I will make this love a parent, I will make it a parent, even when I'm upset, I will still acknowledge that love and let them know it. Even when I discipline them, I will discipline My child, but I will tell my child at that time from my heart, not just lip service, how much I love them.

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For some This might sound like impractical, try it out and see for yourself. I personally have used this. And I know people have used this advice and it works like magic. There's nothing that changes human beings more than love. And there is nothing more powerful in the life of a child. And when I say a child, I'm saying up to 15 and 16 years old, and sometimes even adults, more than the love of their parents.

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A lot of us grew up under parents who were probably critical and harsh. And maybe they would not show their emotions. But when we probably we were as well like completely unpleased with that. And we didn't like the fact that we did not have enough love and emotion from our parents. But when you have children and you grow up, if your parents are alive, you go and kiss their feet. And you wish that you really acknowledge their contribution and their silent love and the silent love when at the time when you did not recognize it. And those who don't have their parents anymore. They wish their parents come back so they can express their gratitude and the thanks to their parents. So we know

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this as human beings.

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Love even we adults we crave that love. So with the children, we need to give them that love and in order to make it practical. As I said you need to make it a point you need to bring it to what we call in Arabic, Allah what will where a Allahu wa Taala Yeah, that's our awareness. You need to bring it to your awareness and make it a point that I am going to communicate that love that Allah put in my heart towards my son towards my daughter, no matter what happens, no matter how they behave. Even if I discipline them, even if I punish them, I will still make the point of love apparent and clear. And you will be surprised that even your discipline and your punishments will

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actually pay off. They will pay off. Because once you once you punish with love, once you criticize with love, once you discipline with love, the child will realize that you care for them. But if you do it if you do it with vengeance, if you do it with anger, and hatred, the child will get the wrong message. The child will get the wrong message the prophets of Salaam always, you know, often criticized people who made mistakes. That's an emerald remar open a la Mancha. But he did that in a loving fashion. He lived he did it in a compassionate fashion. And this is why it had an impact. So the first and most important concept of all elements in this culture, the family culture in Islam is

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the concept of love. And speaking from experience and a lot of observation and you can look around people who show an expression

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They love the genuine love to their kids, even if they are not practicing, even if they are not practicing. Usually they maintain a friendship. They maintain a friendship with their kids even into adulthood. And the kids of those people, even though these families are not even religious, and probably the parents even don't pray, and they get involved in a lot of the things that non Muslims get involved in. A lot of these kids, they don't fall into serious things like drugs, like women, like crime, and sometimes maybe a faith crisis. So these people are on the borders of Islam, but they don't leave Islam.

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So the first element is love. The second element, Angela, I will pull these elements together to show you how they play out together. The second element is respect

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is respect. And I said yesterday, and it's a very important point, that oftentimes we think our children are our property, they are not, they are not they are a trust that is given to you from Allah subhana wa Tada. And so once you see that they belong to Allah, they don't belong to you, but you were interested to bring them up. You were interested to cultivate them and educate them and help them grow in a healthy way. Then you would actually count to 1000 before you disrespect them, we often feel it's our rights to disrespect our children. If they do something wrong. You have no rights. You have no right the Prophet sallallahu Sallam even says in the Hadith, cool Muslim lol

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Muslim hell on the moon, woman who who wild

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the Muslim is sanctified. He's protected in Islam, he's held on for you to violate demo who is life, his blood, his life, woman who his property and his possessions were eldo and his dignity and his honor, it's how long for you? How sometimes do we make this kind of subconscious exclusion, and we get our children out of it.

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Because if you humiliate your own child, it will be easy for others to humiliate humiliate him or her. And if the child gets used to being humiliated in the house, it will be easy for them to be humiliated and accept humiliation outside of the house.

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So this, this is another important element in the culture, it's respect. You respect your child, your child should respect you, it should be a culture of respect. It should be a culture of respect. And the ones who set the pace for respect are the parents or the parents. Now, if the child learned something from outside, and they disrespect their parents, they should be disciplined, they should be reminded, but again, with love. And again, with respect with respect, and this is very difficult, by the way for domineering dominating parents who have always have been brought up even like most of us, in cultures, where there's a lot of dominance of the father or the mother, and the child is

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completely has everything the child is violated by the parents why to bring up the child. And as I said, maybe in some environments, that works. But we have to face it, that in our times, it might still work with some people for that, but for the most part, it doesn't work. It doesn't work, it will backfire. Because the child has exposure to other options in life to other examples, other people who are experiencing freedom and respect and love in their lives. And their and these people seem to be growing.

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So this is the second element it's respect, respect. The third element is host no one has no one which means good suspicion, good thoughts.

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And this is something very common. Something very common among almost everyone, every family, Muslims, non Muslims.

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When the child does something wrong,

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we misinterpret the in the intention of the child.

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The child may be sometimes they might talk back to you.

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You think the child is being disrespectful?

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You think the child has been disrespectful, or the child sometimes might make some trouble. You try to discipline them, you tell them off, and they don't respond.

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And they feel stuck. They feel stuck. You might even like

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corner them and tell them to do what you want them to do. And they can't get themselves to do it. Sometimes the child gets excited, and they become very hyperactive and they make a lot of trouble and they can't

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Can't hold themselves back, you want to subdue them, you corner them, you scream at them, you tell them off, you threaten them, and the child is getting even worse.

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They get out of control, they can't even control themselves. And what happens, they become even more annoying to you.

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And you are more likely now to punish them, and maybe humiliate them and disrespect them.

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Oftentimes, this escalation happens, because we have so often in our children, we have the evil suspicion, we always arrive at a conclusion that the child is doing this, because they want to tease me, the child sometimes makes some noise, they're just playing. But you take it personal, they might talk back to you just because they don't feel good. They feel upset at that moment, they happen to feel upset, and they responded to you. This is, by the way, a lot of the cases where we arrive at a conclusion that the child is doing this to defy me to upset me to tease me, he's challenging me, he's doing this, they're actually doing it innocently, innocently. So one of the most powerful

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elements of a family culture, and this can help you a lot. And I've personally, I've seen this work out in so many examples.

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If the child makes something wrong, have a conversation with them. Children don't understand their emotions. They're acting emotional, or they're being upset, and they're causing you so much trouble. Speak with them. initiate a conversation and tell them, why do you feel you need to do this?

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Why do you feel you need to do this, they will tell you at the beginning, I don't know, I just feel like it. But if you ask them again, and keep asking them and help them understand where their feelings and their weather temptations are coming from, you will figure out that actually comes from a good place. Children are innocent, and even lying. That's a very good example, lying. Oftentimes, you see the child doing something, what are you doing, and they will actually, just because of your manner of asking, and maybe your general demeanor with the child, you usually come across as very threatening and authoritative. The child is scared. Even though they're doing something good, they

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will lie.

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They will look for you, okay, you see through the lie, you're gonna punish them for the lie.

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And they will feel bad and you will feel bad. What happens they will lie again. And again and again and again. And what happens you're shaping a self image within them. They are liars. I caught you lying. You lied yesterday. You always lie. And we think we're being smart. But what happens? You are telling the child, you are a liar. I know you, because the child trust you.

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They trust your judgment. They know that, you know, they don't know.

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So you tell them, oh, you're a liar. Oh, you always lie.

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What happens now they're going to take this as an image, they will take it to heart, they will actually become lions. Usually when the child starts lying, they're doing this to protect themselves,

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protect themselves from your temper, from your anger, protect themselves from being caught. Maybe they did something wrong, right. But they realize they will be caught, they will be in trouble. So what they do they think of a way to escape. Do they think of a way to get away, you know, to get away with what were they what they did. So they realize lying works. So this thought to tell you lies.

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So if you can, if you see through the lie, if you see through the lie, what you need to do, is actually see what the child is trying to cover when the child is trying to hide away from you. If the child makes a mistake, usually ask them initiate a conversation. If you express your love, and your respect to the child, and tell them listen, we're going to speak as to human beings. And I will help you out all the way through. But I need you to tell me why. For example, why did you hit your sister? Why did it take someone else's? You know, pen or pencil? What did you take that? What do you take your toy, your brother's toy? Why did you do that?

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Oftentimes, it's not that the child for example, they took someone else's toy. It's not because they want they actually they are thieves is not because they want to steal. Often. Oftentimes children don't understand they don't see that they don't understand what it means to own something. They don't understand someone else's property cannot be violated. They don't understand. They don't see this. Their minds have not grown yet. But when we accuse them all you You're a thief. You stole someone's property. That's not for you. It's how long

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but if you ask the child, why did you take that? Oftentimes you will find the child says I saw that they have a toy and I wish I have a toy.

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So in the small mind, they figured out a way, if they take that toy, they would have a toy that just has a very strong feeling to own something as a child.

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So usually when we interpret their actions favorably, in a positive sense, we actually

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cancel out a great possibility of our children going downhill when it comes to a lot of the bad habits. So every time your child makes a mistake, your child makes a mistake, try to see through it, initiate a conversation, make them feel safe, that I want, I want to help you out. And I know that you've done this with good intention, let's find out exactly what you wanted to do. And let's find out what we can fix together. And you will be surprised that slowly, slowly the child will regain their trust in you. And you will be surprised how good children are in terms of intention. Children always take it as a rule, children always come from a good standpoint, regardless of what they do,

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if they lie, if they smack their little brother or sister. If they do whatever they do, they're doing this in good faith, and they're doing it for a good reason. But they went wrong. They chose the wrong means and the wrong action, to execute, or to fulfill that good intention. And that's what we need to understand. So again, the elements of a healthy, or a healthy family culture in Islam is first unconditional love to the child, you cannot hold back your love from the child because this is the oxygen of their life. This is the oxygen of their personality of the emotional safety and stability. Number two is respect. Number three, is good suspicion always arrive at good good

00:31:48--> 00:31:59

conclusions, they come from a good standing point. They always everything that children do, they do it for a good reason. But somewhere down the line, they went wrong.

00:32:03--> 00:32:08

The third element of a healthy family culture is

00:32:10--> 00:32:18

to use less commands, and less authority and resort to the power of suggestion, power of suggestion.

00:32:24--> 00:32:30

A lot of the temptations that you find inside and you found outside the house, and people fall into

00:32:31--> 00:32:31

drugs,

00:32:33--> 00:32:33

women,

00:32:34--> 00:32:35

sometimes

00:32:37--> 00:32:43

agnosticism and doubting faith, or some other maybe sexual orientation.

00:32:46--> 00:32:54

None of them, the child, or the teenager decides to get involved in them, because of commands from authority.

00:32:55--> 00:32:59

There is no government in the world that says become a homosexual.

00:33:00--> 00:33:08

There's no government in the world that says go and drink alcohol. There's no government in the world that says, smoke weed.

00:33:10--> 00:33:13

There's no government in the world that says go and commit fornication.

00:33:14--> 00:33:21

There is no school principal that forces the children or the pupils to go and commit any of these things.

00:33:23--> 00:33:27

None of these things happen by means of authority. But they happen by way of suggestion.

00:33:29--> 00:33:39

By way of suggestion, oftentimes, we wonder what children to be the best. So we want to force them into what is good. But this is not how the human how human brain works.

00:33:40--> 00:34:00

Humans love to choose. And that's the concept of choice. So when you want your child to do something, use the power of suggestion. And this is a very successful technique when it comes to raising your kids. You want them to learn Hold on, do you know what to do? Take them to a foreign competition.

00:34:02--> 00:34:14

Get them introduced to a Koran class where there are students or children around the same age, who have memorized a lot of Quran. And they have a beautiful recitation.

00:34:16--> 00:34:25

Yesterday, just yesterday, one of our brothers told me that he had an interest into how children learn and so on and so forth. And he looked into something about how the Jewish community

00:34:26--> 00:34:38

in Canada and elsewhere how they managed to motivate their children, how they managed to motivate their children, they actually make it a point. They make it a point through some of their

00:34:39--> 00:34:59

institutions, social institutions, sometimes by means of their own private schools, or by means of their religious institutions to actually visit top ranking universities. They take their children around age eight 910 up until 15

00:35:00--> 00:35:11

They go and visit Harvard University, Yale University, so run to university. And they go and speak with specialists and experts in their field people on top of their game.

00:35:13--> 00:35:52

And they get sometimes they make events where they bring people who are experts in their fields. And they talk in a very passionate way about what they do, whether it's science, whether it's medicine, whether it's engineering, architecture, online marketing anything. So they expose them to a lot of these great examples. And that's the power of suggestion. So the child, as they see these great examples, they get motivated, and they become more success oriented. And they develop a personal goal, I want to be like this man, I want to be like this man. So that's the power of suggestion. So instead of you forcing the child thinking, thinking, this is how the child works, they force him or

00:35:52--> 00:35:59

force her, and they will completely respond to what you say, it doesn't work like this. So use the power of suggestion.

00:36:00--> 00:36:04

Give the child offers, give the child offers.

00:36:05--> 00:36:28

As I said, like take them to a foreign competition, once they see these children, how they compete and how much work they have put in and how much you beautiful there recitation is. And this, this great, like examples and achievements, they will be inspired. You don't have to tell them listen, you have to go to art school, you have to learn a plan, you have to memorize this. Now they will tell you I want to memorize, I want to learn,

00:36:29--> 00:36:30

and so on and so forth.

00:36:32--> 00:36:51

So use the power of suggestion and the family and minimize the use of direct commands. Because direct commands give the child or the teenager the impression that I'm in control, you have to do what I want. And humans don't like this. And look at a lot of the media. How does the media influence people?

00:36:52--> 00:36:54

It doesn't tell them what to believe.

00:36:55--> 00:37:15

It just gives them suggestions of Islam examples. And people swallow that easily. Because once you come across very direct, very confrontational. What happens you create resistance. You create how often you tell the child go to bed, go to bed. They don't want to go to bed. The other day there was

00:37:17--> 00:37:27

a mother's mother. She's trying to teach her child the letters. And the child doesn't want to learn letters. It says this is Elif

00:37:29--> 00:37:31

Elif is for example,

00:37:33--> 00:37:37

was adaminaby Elephant earner. Okay, this letter is for the word elephant.

00:37:39--> 00:38:14

The child like day in and day out for a few days the child refuses to learn. I've okay elephant, but he doesn't. He doesn't pick up. So she figured out his most favorite toy that he plays with most of the time. He likes it so much. He sleeps with the toy next to him. She says okay, something like popped up in her mind and she said maybe this will work out so she said okay, we're gonna teach your your toy. Trooper. Yeah, we're gonna teach trooper, the letters. Come trooper, this is lF and if is for Arnab.

00:38:15--> 00:38:22

And he's watching with amazement, with amazement. for about half an hour. She told the truth trooper

00:38:24--> 00:38:26

the three or four letters with the words.

00:38:28--> 00:38:30

Later on, she hits the child

00:38:31--> 00:38:43

by himself later and says, elephant Arnab bear on bata, he has learned what his Toyland was supposed to learn. That's the power of suggestion. You don't do it directly.

00:38:45--> 00:38:48

So the child was able and he was even writing down the letters.

00:38:50--> 00:39:03

That's the power of suggestion. So oftentimes, we think this is what we tell our child how to be how to behave and how they should do. We think we are they're supposed to respond. We make it hard for them. We make it hard for them. There's a story about

00:39:05--> 00:39:08

Mr. Malhotra or the Allahu anhu that a man came to him

00:39:10--> 00:39:17

and complained about his son. His son was old when he was like an adult. But his son wasn't treating him well.

00:39:18--> 00:39:41

So the man complained about his son Amata was the Khalifa. He wanted the son to come over. So he sent someone to bring the son. The son came. And he said Your father is complaining about you. So the son said certain things about his father what his father did not do for him when he was young, like he did not educate him. He did not treat him he? Well he did not

00:39:42--> 00:39:52

like cultivate him and teach him and so on and so forth. So I'm on top turn to the Father and He said to him a very powerful word in Arabic And he said, I've talked to him in Iraq.

00:39:53--> 00:40:00

He said you made a coke to your son before he makes a coke to you. You mistreated him before.

00:40:00--> 00:40:09

He mistreats you. So what do you expect? And this way, there's another statement from Anahata as well, where he says, you know, accountability can

00:40:11--> 00:40:30

help, you know, facilitate for your children, that they are beautiful and good to you. How do you facilitate that? Use the easiest mean for them. So if they do not like confrontation, don't use it. Don't use it, use something else. Don't try to get them to pray at gunpoint, like you have to pray now.

00:40:31--> 00:40:51

But if you take the child to a good environment, where the children do pray, and they pray from the heart, the child will slowly pick up and learn. If the child sees you as a parent, that you pray, and the mother prays, and when you pray, it has an impact on you that you enjoy it, that you will love the prayer, and that you will look forward to the time of the prayer.

00:40:53--> 00:41:03

You don't have to tell your child to pray, you'll find the child standing next to you. And every time you pray, they want to pray. If the child loves you, and they say, See you pray, they want to pray with you.

00:41:04--> 00:41:10

If sometimes, and this is an advice for the brothers, if you're at home, you know, sometimes make Gemma with your wife.

00:41:11--> 00:41:17

don't pray by yourself as she prays by herself, pray with your wife, you get you get the reward of Jeremiah 27 times.

00:41:19--> 00:41:27

That's Jeremiah, even if it's only you and your wife. So pray, when the when the children see the parents pray together at home.

00:41:28--> 00:41:45

And they see the respect. And they see that the parents enjoy the prayer and they love it. You will find that the children would look up to the look up to the parents and they want to do the prayer. They want to be they want to emulate their parents don't want to be like that. They want to see this example and they want to implement it themselves.

00:41:46--> 00:42:14

So use this suggestive power. And generally speaking, we will look at the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu it was sending him a lot of the actions of the prophet SAW Selim were reported by means of example, the person didn't say do this. Don't do that. There are things that were he said that when it needed to be stated, but a lot of the instructions of the prophets of Salaam specifically about a Bader was what a description from the companions, they saw how he prayed. And they reported the prayer, like in the Salah.

00:42:16--> 00:42:26

The biggest number of Hadith that tell us how to pray are not from the prophets of Salaam, saying do this and do that. Except for the person who wasn't praying Well, the problem needed to teach him

00:42:28--> 00:42:41

but most of the Hadith on Salah they just a description of how the Prophet Solomon prayed. When the children see that when you eat, you tell you eat your breakfast, you really say thank you, Allah, you feed you just say it hamdulillah he rose up and he had

00:42:42--> 00:42:44

upon him, mini

00:42:46--> 00:42:51

increases due to Allah who was given was fed me this without any power from me.

00:42:52--> 00:43:09

The child sees that you do this, and you always ask Allah subhanaw taala. And you always thank Allah Subhana Allah, and Allah is always present in your life. You don't have to teach your child so much about a lot, they already know it. They already know it. And if you look at children, they're just a copy of the of one of their parents or both of them.

00:43:10--> 00:43:36

This is why we say like father like son, chip off the old block. This is how that works. The children pick up so much the even child even picks up the way the father or the mother walks. Oftentimes look at a child and a father, you see that they walk the same father and the son, though, most of the time they walk the same way, might say it's genetics. No, but it's far beyond the percentage that genetics gives

00:43:37--> 00:43:52

this a lot. If you see sometimes a habit of a father, sometimes, like a father has a habit of maybe scratching the back of their head, you find the sign his son developing the same thing. There's a word the father says you find the son saying the same thing. The same with the daughter and the mother.

00:43:53--> 00:44:39

So when we create this kind of positive culture that's based on love, their spatial respect, and that's based on good suspicion, or basically interpreting the intention of the child in a very favorable and positive way. This will build a very beautiful environment for the child. It's a safe environment. And this will help the child as I said, trust their parents. And when they get enough love enough is enough respect and enough trust of their intentions at home. I'm telling you, children when they go out of the house, they can't wait for the time they're going to go back home because they have people who understand them at home. People that they can relate to people who

00:44:39--> 00:44:43

truly love them, people who they can count on

00:44:44--> 00:44:49

who wants who you know who wants someone else, when they have such love at home.

00:44:52--> 00:44:54

So this is the kind of culture that

00:44:55--> 00:44:59

that we want to build within a Muslim family.

00:45:00--> 00:45:07

And there is something very important here. It's, it's, it's more of an extension of that culture. But I find this very important.

00:45:10--> 00:45:29

We need to build for our children, a congruent narrative. What does that mean? A congruent narrative, we usually tell the child, if you don't listen to like, the mother tells the child if you don't listen to me, if you just obey me, Allah will destroy you, you will not pass the exams.

00:45:30--> 00:45:33

Or if you do not pray, the five daily prayers,

00:45:35--> 00:45:37

nothing will work out for you.

00:45:40--> 00:45:52

What happens? Okay, it seems to work maybe when the child is young, but when the child sees other people who don't pray, they're not good with their parents, and these people have it all.

00:45:54--> 00:45:57

What will happen to the child confusion,

00:45:58--> 00:45:59

confusion.

00:46:03--> 00:46:28

A lot of the children they grow up under the impression that if you don't, if you do this, if you don't do that, if you don't do as I tell you, what will happen you will not have a successful life. And along Of course, everything to like shut down in your face. And it will the you know, you will have all trouble and so on and so forth. For example, they go to university, they see the people who do everything that is wrong, everything that's wrong, and they haven't Get on.

00:46:32--> 00:46:54

So our sometimes these advice or these words that we give to our children will be a source of fitna for them. Why, so we need to build a congruent narrative, a congruent narrative of Islam, that does not go face to face with the reality the actual reality where people live in are the children are going to see on a daily basis.

00:46:56--> 00:47:05

Because when we strip Islam down to the child, to a level where we tell the child, if you just obey me, Allah will cause you to fail the exam.

00:47:06--> 00:47:08

That's not what Islam tells us.

00:47:09--> 00:47:14

Because you could do all the bad things in this life, and still Allah gives you right?

00:47:17--> 00:47:26

That's what the process of Solomon says in the law holla human lead, avoid him a loss of antyodaya there's someone who was an oppressor, someone who does wrong, a lot is going to give them

00:47:27--> 00:47:44

a lot will give them why, in order for them to reach the climax of their oppression, to do everything in their potential of that kind of injustice. And then allowing the last one that takes them out. That's the end of them.

00:47:46--> 00:48:05

So when we make a narrative about Islam, and about how things work out, when it comes to Islam, we need to be careful. We need to be careful. Oftentimes, we say to the child. And this is something that's a little bit different, but it's relevant. We say if you don't listen to me, if you don't obey me, Allah will put you in the hellfire.

00:48:07--> 00:48:14

There's a lot of the scholars of Islam who say you shouldn't tell the child you shouldn't scare the child using the hellfire.

00:48:16--> 00:48:27

You shouldn't because you're giving them the impression that Allah is lying in wait, Allah is just there for them. And he wants them to make a mistake. So he takes them out on throw them, throw them the hellfire.

00:48:30--> 00:48:34

So don't use because oftentimes we use this Why? Because we want to manipulate the child

00:48:35--> 00:48:40

want to control the child, you do what I tell you, or you go into the Hellfire, or Allah will punish you?

00:48:43--> 00:48:45

What kind of impression are we giving our kids?

00:48:47--> 00:48:54

It's very dangerous. So we need to build a congruent narrative, a proper understanding of Islam, that

00:48:56--> 00:49:21

what happens in this life, we should not make a judgement if we don't know. Like, if you for example, don't listen to your father, if you don't study the subject that your father wants you or the major that you father wants you to study, and you will not succeed in life alone that caused you to succeed. But they will see other people who've done whatever they wanted, and these people are successful. So what happens then they will start questioning Allah subhanaw taala

00:49:22--> 00:49:36

they start questioning what actually what you're telling them about Islam is even true or not, because they see a reality as solid fact in front of them that seems to contradict and smash completely what you told them.

00:49:37--> 00:49:41

And if it happens a couple of times, they start questioning what you tell them

00:49:42--> 00:49:47

questioning what you tell them. So this again, this tried to put these elements together.

00:49:54--> 00:49:59

Yes. First of all, the most important thing is the culture has to be based on love.

00:50:00--> 00:50:41

Love, unconditional love. And we said love is a formula. So no one needs to push you to it. But you just need to make it a parent and clear to your child that you truly love them and value them. That's number one. Number two, is a culture of respect, a culture of respect. Looking at the how the prophet SAW Selim treated Allah has an under saying, you would think wow, these guys there was so lucky. There was so lucky because the only thing that you can see in these narrations is mercy, love and respect, mercy, love and respect, as if these are these two children who are just two, three years old, as if they are so precious, and they were indeed, so precious.

00:50:43--> 00:51:00

The third element is we said having no one has not been in the child, the child makes a mistake, don't misinterpret their intentions, there must be coming from a good place within themselves, but you just need to find out. And you need to help them find out.

00:51:02--> 00:51:27

And then the fourth thing that we said, was basically, to build a coherent or congruent narrative about what we tell them about a loss penalty, when we tell them about the truth and about justice, so that whatever they see in this life, does not go in direct conflict, to what we tell them. Otherwise, they will start questioning

00:51:28--> 00:51:34

everything we told them, the thing that I will close with, and this is a very important thing, and this is an experiment.

00:51:35--> 00:51:40

And some people might say, you know, when you read the books of the scholars of Islam,

00:51:45--> 00:51:50

you will find them establishing evidence at the beginning. So they will say what they need

00:51:51--> 00:51:53

and the evidence for this.

00:51:54--> 00:51:55

Actually young

00:51:57--> 00:51:58

when utterly young

00:51:59--> 00:52:03

woman a summer warfare, three young

00:52:04--> 00:52:17

war victims Reba maluma Bhattacharya, usually these four things, those say this thing is known by logic logically, it's not. It makes sense. Everyone knows it recognizes it, like

00:52:19--> 00:52:20

two is more than one.

00:52:22--> 00:52:26

That's logical. Yeah, you don't need to prove it to anyone. So it's not bill apple.

00:52:29--> 00:52:37

And binnacle, which is revelation, or be seminar and is more the, the revelation Carano sooner.

00:52:39--> 00:52:49

Something that has been proven in the Quran and Sunnah, for example, like live Zachary method will have their own fan brothers and sisters in inheritance, the brother gets double the share of this system.

00:52:54--> 00:53:14

We're building authority. And this is something that humans recognized by federal law. And there's another delille, another proof, and the fourth as well as maloom. On bit edge rebel, this is something that is known with experimentation. People try it out, this is how it plays out, for example, some of these dimensions, the room potentially better, yes, they say that the fire burns.

00:53:15--> 00:53:36

What's the proof that the fire burns is the actual reality? When you put your finger in, in the fire, it will it will burn it. It burns, that's essentially but sometimes you will learn something from experience, either your own experience or the experience of someone else.

00:53:38--> 00:53:40

And when you bring it in, and you use it,

00:53:41--> 00:54:11

there are some Muslims who have a problem in their heads in their minds, that when you come up, use something that has been proven by experience or by science, proper science, I'm not talking about philosophical aspects of science. I'm talking about real experimental science. And you mentioned that they say, Oh, this is not mentioned in the Quran and the Sunnah. This is not mentioned, this is not from Islam. We don't need to listen to this. We don't need to take this. Sometimes you come up with something people will say, Oh, no, this is psychology. We don't learn from that.

00:54:13--> 00:54:53

This shows this person has a problem in their heads and maybe in their hearts as well. And maybe in their hearts. The prophets Allah sent them took a lot of like experiments, a lot of lessons from people who are not Muslim. The professor Salim took some certain plans for war from non Muslims. Why? Because they were experimented and they were tested. And they survived those tests. The process of them took that as experience collective experience of humanity will shake metal one little moment the wisdom or lessons or the last property of a believer. And now we need to have our help will be wherever he finds it. He is more deserving. He's most deserving of it. So sometimes there are things

00:54:53--> 00:54:59

that happen and by the way, like I came across and this is a very beautiful example, the teacher of Jacob North a man who's

00:55:00--> 00:55:49

Sharif Abdul Rahman Saudi Rahim Allah, one of his most popular books is, is the book that we actually were explaining on the Friday halaqa, the Juma halaqa, which is a movie that will hire to sell either the beneficial or useful means to a happy and tranquil life. So, guess what's the story behind this book? Where did it come from? This book, the Shaykh wrote it, or started writing it when he was in Lebanon, when he was being treated for hypertension, he had high blood pressure, so it has been treated. And when he was treated, the doctors told him not to spend so much time, you know, working hard, basically reading and writing. So I decided to take a break, his son was there, his

00:55:49--> 00:56:19

son went to the some of the book shops, and he found a book. And the book is written by I was a best seller at the time. These were, by the way, 1940s 1940s. So the book was the best seller of Dale Carnegie, stop worrying and start living was a best seller at the time. So it was also translated into Arabic. So his son bought it. And he gifted it to his father, the father read the book, and he liked it, he fell in love with it. He fell in love with the book.

00:56:20--> 00:56:26

So he read the book, and he said, in the original article, he said, this is a man of reason.

00:56:27--> 00:56:29

He said about Dale Carnegie, this is a man of reason.

00:56:31--> 00:56:32

Then he took his book.

00:56:33--> 00:56:41

And he took the book, and he gifted it to a friend who was going through some emotional hardships, and said, read this, they will help you out.

00:56:44--> 00:56:52

Then the sheriff said to his son go and buy me two copies of the same books, he bought him two copies, and it was time to go back to Saudi Arabia, to

00:56:54--> 00:57:36

to a casino to go back home. So he went back home had the two copies, she had kept a copy for himself in his own library. And the shack at the time was probably the first one Saudi Arabia to build a public library from his own finances. So he built a public library for people for access of the public. And he made a point to keep that book in that public library so people could refer to it. And his son says, Every time someone had some emotional, hard times, or psychological issues, the shift would tell them to go and borrow a book from the library and read it. Okay, so now this is just to pave the way to what I'm going to say what I'm going to say because some people had this

00:57:36--> 00:58:12

issue was okay, what are you talking about psychology, I lost my cynicism on math a lot and I feel keytab human shape. We have left nothing except that we talked about it or we made a mention of it in the book, which is in the Koran. Although the scholars dispute the meaning of this. They say the book here doesn't necessarily refer to the Koran, but refers to a lot in my fourth, but even those who said that it refers to Al Quran. It doesn't say that Islam mentions everything about every detail, but it gives you the doorways to knowledge, the doorways to knowledge This is why one of our contemporaries, that is was asked by a non Muslim, he said the Koran or Quran says about itself that

00:58:12--> 00:58:16

talks about everything. How does it tell you how to make briyani

00:58:17--> 00:58:30

He said, Well, he does tell us how to make briyani he says but I read the Quran cover to cover doesn't say anything about Briana, or any other dish for that matter. He said now the Quran says first Allah Allah decree and

00:58:31--> 00:59:10

ask the people of knowledge, the experts in the field if you don't know. So you want to know how to make briyani ask, you know, good cooks, chefs on how to make Breanna they'll tell you how to make money. That's what the Quran tells us. So this we need to understand what how, you know, some sometimes we don't. And this is why the scholars call in Arabic and nazara. Some people are not good at taking the ruling from the evidence or the meaning. So they take it mutilated and distorted. So the scholars usually describe some of the like the best assault is usually well described. Can you see no naza minimal source. He knew how to take meanings and rulings from the text. very skillful in

00:59:10--> 00:59:32

that. Okay. Now, the story was an experiment that took that happened in 1968, as a famous experiment that was made at a wide scale, and it's very important in parenting and a wide scale. And it was made by a scientist, a psychologist who was called Rosenthal, Rosenthal at the time with another one.

00:59:33--> 01:00:00

And basically what they did, they went to schools, elementary schools, and they claimed that they had or they they have managed to devise or put together an intelligence test that could predict the performance of the children in the school, and it was very accurate. So they trained the teachers. They trained to teach the teachers they let the students sit for sit for the test. They went

01:00:00--> 01:00:11

Through the test, and they trained the teachers, they said, the ones who are going to come on top have scored the most on this test in this test, they actually by the end of the year, there will be the first in the class that will come first in class.

01:00:12--> 01:00:14

So they actually did that.

01:00:15--> 01:00:41

So the students went through the test, and the names of the top students were only disclosed to the teachers. And the teachers were instructed not to change their style of teaching, not to give any extra attention to any students keep maintain their own styles. During the year, the students, the teachers were checked upon, were checked upon for the style of teaching and everything towards the end of the year.

01:00:42--> 01:00:45

The results proven right.

01:00:46--> 01:00:50

The children who scored the highest in the test, they came first in class.

01:00:52--> 01:01:02

This seems to make sense, except one missing piece of information. The test was not an intelligence test, was a completely random test,

01:01:03--> 01:01:06

have nothing to do with intelligence, and would not predict anything.

01:01:11--> 01:01:27

What's the point? When the teachers realize that, for example, in this class, Mohammed and Javi, Jia scored the highest there will be first, the expectations of the teachers turned out to be real. They change the behavior of the kids.

01:01:30--> 01:01:41

This experiment was replicated over and over again, because that was mind blowing. When talking about if a teacher expects a child to come first they will come first.

01:01:44--> 01:01:59

Sounds like magic, right? This is a scientific theory that has been experimented has been tested rigorously. So you like means scholars have tried to challenge it and prove it wrong. And they only managed to prove it right and it's called

01:02:02--> 01:02:03

the Pygmalion effect.

01:02:04--> 01:02:08

It's very well established in psychology and they use it in marketing

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the Pygmalion effect they call it the prophecy that fulfills itself self fulfilling prophecy, self fulfilling prophecy, what does that mean? That means expectations your expectations of your child will affect how they behave.

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And that point ties in very nicely with what I said about having no one having one timeout

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okay.

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Number one, and this is why I said you need to develop a culture of personal one. When you have one in the child have good expectations of the child, you will be surprised that the child will change the child will change if they misbehave don't see it like the charges bad and intense bad No. See it as the child intends good. The child intends good.

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And if you see it that way, you will change and the child will change. And something related to this was mentioned in the Quran as well. Not exactly but an element of his was mentioned in the hold on and I refer to it yesterday when the last month Allah says sold out for sale at infallibility here is no savior, repel the evil with good respond to evil that comes to you with good people are aggressive. People are hateful towards you respond with love with respect with forgiveness. For either Levy, Bina kawabe, no one can hold your hand and lo and behold, the one with whom you have there is enmity between you and him that will turn into a very close and intimate friend. What are

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you La La La Nina Saba only the ones that are patient that are persistent and who persevere in this. Those are the ones who will get it. And the ones who are given to fit by Alma high level have nothing.

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So your expectations of other people will usually play out to be true.

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So be careful about what to expect from your children expect good and you will see much more goodness coming from them. Expect bad from them and bad intentions. That's where you're gonna get more of them.

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Be more suspicious of your kids thinking you're being smart. I caught them in that I caught them guilty. You think that's being smart, that's actually making them even worse. Try to catch them doing good things and reward them for that and you will see that this will actually grow. This will actually grow. So ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us develop very positive culture family within our families that will empower our children and make them more steadfast and more resilient and immune to all of these waves of influence. And,

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and attempts to change their mind and maybe challenge their faith. We ask a lot smarter to make them stronger than that and to help us

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play a major role in helping them out just from looking for your attention, or sort of long cinema into being a million writer earlier.