Tackling Contemporary Issues Marriage -2
Channel: Adnan Rajeh
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When are we will be learning in shorter audio fusina Women say Dr. Marlena Mejia had been learning Fela Malala mejor de Lille fell into je de la Hoon Walia. Murshida shadow Allah Illa Illa Allah Hua Hua Shetty you gotta Isla Hanwha hidden hold on some other Lamia, Turkey for Hiebert in Walla Walla, Walla, Mia que la who for one I had wash her do Anana Jana la vie mana Mohan Madonna Abdullah he was soo wasafi you home in Hawaii Habiba Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Nabina Muhammad Ali he was off be here Jermaine Baba, add your own morpheme kami Tenzin, a region over Munna Island Nisa, EBMs Bala Allahu, Allahu Allah babbling what Bhima felt booming unworldly him.
He says Subhana wa Tada. And certainly set indeed men are caregivers are caretakers for their women within their lives. And this is based on the advantages that Allah subhanaw taala has granted each of them and the wealth that they have spent. This is the second quote both in the series.
Within the contemporary issue series, I talked about two topics. And the third topic was marriage. And this is a second quote, but within that topic, and there's a third one next week as well, I thought I was going to give this whole topic within one hook. But that is very, it was very far fetched, obviously. And when I talked about last week, I share with you four points. And I use the thought process continuum in terms of the steps that are needed to be taken are the mistakes and some pieces of advice to actually achieve marriage. And today I'm going to move on from where I left off last week. And the first point that I'm going to share with you is regarding finding a spouse,
finding a spouse, finding a spouse has always been historically has always been through your social network. It's always been through your social network. It's never been any other way. You can't be expected to just walk into the world and there's a billion people in the world and you somehow you're going to find that one that one person of course the idea of the one is another We'll see about that I'm not going to talk about today because that's on its own is a delusion that I don't think it needs to be it needs to be talked about. But the whole concept of you just walking out and finding someone is extremely it's ludicrous. It's not it's not realistic. The way people find out
how founded spouse is all throughout history is through their social networks is through
utilising your parents, your siblings, people who are related to your friends. That's how you find a spouse. If you for a man, if you if your parents are looking for you, and with the options that they're showing you, you don't like, well look around you have friends or they're not married, do you not find one of their wives to be a reasonable human being decent has good ethics, I asked for a family member there. That's how you do this. You'll look for spouses through your social network. These apps that have come out and these other I don't know, I have a I have a lot of I don't know what to say about them. I don't know if this is, I haven't seen a very good example from this yet.
Like, I really haven't seen this workout. Well. You need to utilize your social network, people who are against their parents being involved in their marriage. That is, that doesn't there's no fifth, there's no, there's no wisdom in that you need your parents involved. That doesn't mean they choose your spouse for you. That's not what I'm saying. Choosing your spouse is your obligation. It's your responsibility. And it's your right involved to pee people who love you the most and know you the most, who knows you more than your own parents, your siblings and people are close to you involve them, let them be of aid to you, as you go through this process of choosing a spouse. That's all I
have to say on this topic. Because this has always been the case for people getting married. Only recently did we have parents have I seen parents removed themselves from this obligation. It's only recently that I've seen a lot of harm relative remove themselves from this realm, and let people kind of on their own. Go ahead and try and figure it out by themselves. And I just don't think it's a very smart or wise move to do. Because you require you require the input of people around you who know you, well, you require it. You need them to weigh in and say whether this is going to work for you or not, marriage is not. It's not time limited. As much as some people it's not. It's not just
here's where you go for a decade and a half, and then you're done. It's there. This is your life, you want to make sure that the person has a compass as compatible as possible. And how do you do that you make sure you involve the people who know you the most love you the most and care for your well being the most. So make sure you utilize your social networking, if you want to find a spouse and that goes for for men, and it goes for women as well. Second point,
he says to ponder what Tada and sort of buckle up what are Judah Heidegger's? Well, Arjuna had a female although to be mean battle variable. This is an extremely beautiful and important verse regarding marriage. What he's saying is now Jonah, you are not to be blamed for anything that you agree upon with your spouse, outside of the formula, what's the formula, the formula is making sure that there's a Willie, that there are witnesses that there's a dowry, and there's an acceptance from both, and you do the Catholic Kitab doctrine, meaning everything is following the pillars of Nika. Outside of that, whatever you agreed to with your spouse is fine. Whatever it may be, the problem I
find is that people spend the critical time where they should be discussing these issues, roles and expectations. They spend that time discussing issues that aren't that important that you can afford to talk about later. All the lovey dovey stuff you can leave that can be done, you have time for that, don't worry, you'll have a lifetime to do that. Right now, you need to make sure you're talking about the issues that will affect your well being and the other person's well being if you enter into a relationship, and your expectations are very different from the other person's expectations, and your understanding of your role. And their role is very different from their
understanding, you are driving a car at 200 kilometers right into a brick wall. The amount of agony and suffering that is causes for both parties is is immeasurable. Because you you're walking into you're walking into a into a partnership, and you don't know who's doing what. Because people tend to follow the norm of whatever their parents are doing. This used to be fine back in the day, when people were very similar when you were living in similar spots. And people all had the basic same upbringing and behaved the same with it. It was not you didn't need to have these conversations. You didn't need to have the talk. I know for a fact that my grandfather did not have to have this
conversation at any point. There's no need for it. Everyone knew exactly what they were doing. But now within this mixing pot, that we are a part of this OMA people are very different. You need to have these conversations. When I got married. I it was very simple. I work in the morning, I'm in the hospital and the evening of the message. I need a housewife and he's someone who is willing to take care of the house and the children. No, she said no. If she said no, that would be fine. It's not evil. There's no right and wrong here. There's no right and wrong when it comes to agreement. There's no good and bad. There is what suits you. What works for you. What's your life experiences
about what your life skills are? What you how you're going to live your life. If you said no house, no problem doesn't mean that she's wrong. You should have said yes, no. If she's a neurosurgeon, it makes no sense. It makes no sense for me to come to a nurse seven years of residency, 15 years of medicine, tell them okay, stay home and take care of the kids. There's no sense in that. Obviously, there has to be an arrangement that works for both parties. But that's the arrangement that works for me. That's my lifestyle. That's the arrangement I need doesn't make me evil, either. It doesn't know what was wrong or right here. It's just did you talk about these things upfront? Did you sit
I don't say, here's what I'm looking for, what are you looking for? And then she will say what she's doing and you figure out what works based on what your lives are like. And whatever system you come up with, with your spouse, it's fine. There's a there's a, there are many different ways to run a household. I'm gonna share with you a story
that's in the collection of Imam Ahmed. And it's an authentic hadith. So long Hadith, I'm gonna just take the piece that it matters. And the hadith is even Abbas is telling us that he was with sage Naramata no hubub on a journey. There's a lot of people and articletop took a left you can deviate a little bit from the group because he wanted to do his business he needed to do so. So even Abbas took this as an opportunity to take his will look for him like I'll go with you. You were before back then there were no you have to find a spot you have to dig a hole you have to you have to do things then you want to come out you need someone to help you with although there were no taps or
running water. So when I best took his will do it to offer it to Bob and take the opportunity to ask them a question. So we asked him as he was making the Allahu Anhu he said what is who are the two ladies in the AI Tatsuta Darim with sl one EBU Illa Jihad isa Villa mana better to be here Aloha Allahu Allahu Allahu Allahu wa out all the unbowed for that man a better Herbie he's got a two minute America heard I've gotten a bit any I mean, we'll have you into tuba it Allah the first half of suits that died in the first half paid half page.
He didn't like the question said normal for a good reason. Because the lady involved was his own daughter how slug was married to the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam. So he didn't like the question. You're going on? Why are you asking this? But I'll answer you. It was Ayesha and Hafsa.
And then he told him a story. And I'm going to quote for you word for word, what he said in the story. So understand that the topic that I'm talking about is not new, has existed amongst cultures and within marriages, at least as far as I can. 1400 years ago, at least I pray probably goes back to a time Adam and Eve met but I'm saying goes back at last at least that far. And this is what he said listen to it. He said Hakuna Matata Quraysh Omen nosily bow Nisa Demna Allah Coleman, young liberal whom nice oh home for Tawfik Aneesa una Yatta alumna men whom we used to be people in Mecca, where we had full authority over our wives. And then we came to Medina where the men did not have
authority over their wives and our women start to learn from their women. This is what Tom is saying 1500 years ago, aside from the fact that Islam would only flourish in a place where marriage where the arrangement of marriage was much more equal and much more fair. That's a whole different story. That's a whole nother aspect of the beauty of our deen. But this was a struggle to overcome the hubbub found and he tells him and he goes on for like Faraja attorneys Oh JT for call to a to Ragini then my wife said no, and argued with me and told me to and I said, What are you doing? When When did we When did this start? When are you thought it will matter? You know what our joke you told me
what's wrong with me arguing with you? When he said oh Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam your RG I know who? What your hydro who? Donnelly? Oh, mela lane. Why wouldn't I argue with you? When the Prophet Allah your thoughts on his wives argue with him and they get upset with him and they don't speak to him for a day
said on hottub almost had a stroke.
And not because of the the fight that's happening is because he's like, so you're telling me the prophets wives are arguing with him.
So he walked. They said he went towards the house of his daughter. He couldn't see with his eyes like he wasn't he couldn't see people again said nope, nothing, nothing. If you said I might have come home but he doesn't even see he's going to his he has he knocks on the door of his daughter. And he asked her Is it true? are they arguing are the wives of the Prophet arguing with him and not speaking to him and connect them? And then he said something I can't say on a member to his daughter. They say to you or to Raja, you know, Rasul Allah and you argue with him. So she was you could see that her house her father has lived, so she didn't say anything. Takada Leia who run Nikki
Jarrah to key well he owes him oming key what a hug Bula Rasulillah him in Cuba boo, boo Isla, be humming key, Valley Mithila fairly, don't let your neighbor who's prettier than you, who's more beloved to the Prophet than you and her father is more beloved than the Prophet than your father. make you think that it's okay for you to do this psalm. Allah Allah, he's like Mr. Miyagi, Allahu Allah. He's talking to us. I don't think that I shall, if he does it, it's okay for you. And she did it anyways. And also did it anyways. And she's the one in the verse. And the Quran didn't come and tell them that we can't do that anymore. And the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam there was no there
was no judgment. It was the norm. The people of Mecca weren't used to it or wasn't used to it, but didn't matter. Because there's more than one way to run a family. There's more than one way to run things. Islam is not saying that this is there's a right in the wrong I'll talk about a default in a moment. But you have to make sure that there's an agreement to talk about the stuff that matters, so that when you enter marriage, you know what your role is, what the expectations are, so you don't end up disagreeing in the middle of it on something that is fundamentally important.
And there are children involved. And at that point, there's no way to fix it. And then you go, and there's no way to fix it. Because you didn't talk. You didn't ask the right questions up front. You weren't clear. I have a lot of young men coming. I don't know what I want.
They don't know. And I can understand that you don't you have no idea.
You don't know what to expect. Ask your dad. Ask your dad what he wanted. And he'll tell you what to look for. Because after 15 years of marriage, you look for something that is that is peaceful. You want to recline, you want to be in a situation where you feel comfortable. That's what you want. No one wants to continue to do things that they never wanted to do in the first place. No one wants to be asked to do stuff that they didn't want to do from the beginning. But if you don't have that conversation, you have no right. You can't change it. That was your fault. You didn't talk about this upfront. Now you're stuck with what you're stuck with. So you have to have these conversations
upfront. It's very important. It's central within the story that you take time and you talk beforehand. You can talk about the other stuff later, you can enjoy the romantic piece of your halftime Believe me, talk about the stuff that matter what your roles are, what your expectations are. Plenty a whole lot to
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There's always a default within the Islamic family that both parties can go back to at any time. There's always a default within the Islamic family that both parties are either party at any time within their marriage, they can go back to at any time. The default is the man is the breadwinner, he is the provider. And the woman is responsible for the well being of the kids. She's the caregiver, the children and the integrity of the house, or the household. He is responsible for the financial well being of his wife, his children and the house. And she's responsible for being a physical caregiver or making sure that physical caregiving is occurring to the children and the
home. That is the default. At any point, they can go back to that I'm gonna give you examples to understand what I'm saying, understand why he's having this conversation is important. So if a lady who was working at one point in her life at some point says, You know what, I don't want to be responsible for this household financially anymore. I don't want to be taking care of this house financially, I want you to go out and be there are going to take care of this house, and I'll take care of the children. He has to go and do that. He can't say, well, we agreed No, no, doesn't matter what you agreed to this default always applies, she can always ask for him to be the breadwinner,
and for herself to take care of the children. He can do the same, you can at any point in the marriage, say I want you to take care of the children. That doesn't mean she can't work. Listen to this very carefully. It doesn't mean that you can't work. It just means that now she's responsible for the physical caregiving, whether she hires someone from her own wealth, whatever she wants to do, whatever she wants, she can do whatever she wants, she's responsible for the integrity of the home, and the caregiving of the children. And he can say I'm going to be the breadwinner. And at that point, at that point, her wealth is her wealth. She doesn't have to spend any of her money on
the household anymore. Once that's the case, he has to spend his wealth on the house, wherever she makes his hers. But she's responsible for the caregiving of the children. So if she's not gonna do it physically, herself, she has to hire someone to do it. Now, you may say, Well, I don't want a third party taking care of my children. Great. I agree with you. Did you have that conversation upfront? Did you you didn't you can't force her to leave her work? I'm sorry. This is this is the reality of the matter. Did you have that conversation upfront? I did. Like I'm not I'm not okay. We're not with my own parents. Taking care of my children has to be either me or you.
Okay, yes, okay, good. And one of us is going to do this. But if we didn't have that conversation, and it's not wrong, if they decide to have a caregiver, a third caregiver, is that wrong? Is that haram? No, it isn't. Can you shame someone for deciding that they want to do that if you have two physicians or two lawyers, they're married, of course, they're going to need a third person to help, of course, it's impossible, they're going to need that third person. But to find out, it has to be agreed on how that financial how that financial situation is going to be monitored or managed with amongst themselves.
Whatever you agree upon beforehand,
will take precedence. But the default is always there, you can always go back to the default. The lady can always say, I want to stay home, I don't want to I don't want to be responsible financial and take care of the kids. You have to go be the breadwinner, you can always say I don't want you taking care of us financially, I'll do that you're responsible for the children. And then she has to figure out how she's going to do that. It's best for this all to be agreed upon. It's best if it's all a discussion. And it's some degree of compromise from both parties to make sure the family works. But that default in Islam is very important.
Second point, with responsibility comes leadership. And with leadership, there's responsibility. The man is responsible in front of God, He is the one he's the caregiver, he is responsible. If you're a man, you're responsible for the well being of your family, it doesn't mean you're a dictator. It doesn't mean you have to make the decisions. No, it just means that you're responsible. You could easily say go ahead, take care, take all the decisions regarding this issue. I trust you but you're still responsible. You are the protector that never changes. The man is the protector of his family, there is no agreement that will take that away. You can sit before his ally and say no, you're not
my protector. I'm no the man is the protector. That's how it is. When the Titanic goes down, the lady and the children get on the boat and you will play the cello as you sink. And that's okay with you. Because your your your life as a man is less valuable than your wife and children. And if you're not okay with that, then you're not okay with masculinity. That's what it means to be a man that you aren't the protector of these people. You'll chop your arm off at any moment to protect your wife and pick your children done deal. That's as clear as it can be. Without responsibility comes leadership. You have to be the leader, you have to be the pilot, it doesn't mean that there's
not a co pilot, it doesn't mean that you'll make decisions on your own. That's not what this means. That's never meant that. But you have you're responsible. You can't have two people driving the car at the same time. Unless one of these steering wheels doesn't really work. It's like giving the child a control that doesn't have a battery. One of them has to be holding on to the steering wheel. It can be the wife has no problem. But the man is still responsible for the outcome. You're still responsible.
You are the protector, period. You need to remember that I am watching young men go through this
and they just it's unclear
It's unclear, they don't feel that they don't feel that concept of your this is your family, you're the protector of this family, you need to make sure they are well that they are safe. And that's where when you read in the stamp, ah, when you hear the word obedience for the husband, you hear that in Islam, it comes regarding is within the realm of protection is when the man is actually trying to protect his family he should be listened to, when he's watching out for their well being for their safety, you should be listened to, because that's his job. His job is to make sure they're safe. This is the relationship that exists within marriage. And this is what we have to make sure we
understand. For the sisters here, just a little piece, it's not in your best interest to have a man who doesn't understand this is not in your best interest to have a man who does not feel like he's the leader of his of his family, and that he is not the protector of his family. That's not a man that you want in your life. Trust me, you don't want that person fathering your children. You want the masculinity of men and the femininity of women are the two most beautiful things that we have. There are more similarities between men and women, there are differences by far, but the femininity and masculinity of men and women has to be taken care of. We can't dole it out. It's what makes us
unique. It's what allows families to work. You want him to be as masculine as possible. You want them to be strong and brave and courageous and confident. So we can lead your family so you have someone to be proud of. So your kids have someone to look up to to have social status without that nothing.
And you need your wife to have that feminine, feminine piece you make, you have to make sure she's taken care of, you have to make sure that she's not overburdened with that what she cannot carry in her life. We are messing up this very delicate thing, forgive me, we are messing up something extremely delicate. That is not, there's no room for experimental
aspects to this. We can't experiment with this. Don't experiment. This is how this is this works for a long time.
When you go against nature, I'm not gonna even talk about I'm on a member of the Prophet alayhi salatu salam, I'm going to talk outside of religion for a second, when you go against nature, things don't work very well. When you start laying decide that the traits of men and women, the masculine side and the feminine side are no longer of any value. They don't dictate anything. There's nothing that needs to come with that. Then you're basically going against what is not true. And things rarely work when you go against what is not true.
That's what I wanted to share with you today regarding this. I know not everyone will fully agree with what I have to say that's fine. That's fine. This is advice that I'm offering you. No way. I'm nowhere in this hole by myself saying that there's only one way to run a family. No, I'm saying you need to agree beforehand. I am reminding you that there's an Islamic default that both parties can always go back to and I'm reminding you that with responsibility, there's leadership and with leadership, there's responsibility. And I'll talk about the abuse of these things in Charlotte next next week. I hope that was a benefit to you. Also welcome Bisola below what do you got to do your
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Anyway eat Eden CORBA went hand in fascia even among very well about a year ago, Camilla come to the Quran before calm I remind you August is the month of outreach for us here in the center. We are encouraging everyone to come to the masjid to bring people to with you who don't come to massage or where you're going to do more harm or a random prayer during the night or day. We have people here who would like to get to know people, others and offer them services and involve them in our community. So please participate with us every Saturday, Saturday night after motive. There is a social event that is geared towards outreach. If you have friends that aren't comfortable coming to
my session, bring them they can sit outside they can eat they can think they have good