Marriage Gems 3

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

Series:

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

A while back I conducted a survey of “What decent men and women want in their spouse”.

In this episode, I share the results of the first part of the survey, “What some men DO NOT want in their spouse”. Some of the points mentioned, do not apply in some marriages however, these were the top concerns for most of the men.

It is my hope and prayer that whatever I have mentioned will be of benefit to you. May it help you become more self-aware in case it is something you need to work on or improve upon.

May Allah make it easy for all of us and may He strengthen the bond between us and our spouses. Amin.

Episode Transcript

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We have been lacking in a shakedown regime. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Assalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu. My name is Mariam lemo. And welcome back to my series that I'm calling marriage gems, where I share tips and ideas on how to spice up the marriage and how to improve your relationship with your spouse. I was curious one day about what decent men and women are looking for in one another in the marriage, in the relationship, and also what they don't like about each other so that we can be more aware and hopefully work on those areas. During this episode, inshallah, I will be sharing with you the results of the survey where we find out what men with decent men are looking

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for in their spouse, and what they don't like that they feel they should improve upon. Now overwhelming complaint by men of women are the first one is top of the list is lack of adventure in intimacy, lack of adventure, no interest in bringing their spouses fantasies to life. I remember one person who wants told me that he would buy lingerie for his spouse, and she would refuse to wear it, she would say, No, I'm not a prostitute, I wouldn't wear that kind of thing. Unfortunately, if we're not ready to go out of our way to try new things and bring our spouses fantasies to life, we're not careful, they may go elsewhere to satisfy those needs. My take is this, that since everything goes

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except when we are Ocelot, and anal sex, everything else is acceptable. However, even when we are off salaat, if we know the story, where I share with you a level on how I mentioned that even when she's on her period, she would use a cloth to cover herself and the Prophet sallallahu wasallam would still be intimate with her. We need to be creative, we need to find ways of making sure we bring those fantasies to life. So be adventurous, have variety in position, the places that you become intimate with your spouse, and do the bedroom acrobatics that your spouse wants you to do. Something my brother always says is that water that sits still starts to smell. If we allow that

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part of our relationship, intimacy to become stagnant, unfortunately, it becomes a recipe for boredom. And when we are bored, sometimes we start to do things that are not allowed. Let me put it that way. Another overwhelming complaint by men of women is neglect. Neglecting ourselves after we get married during the courtship, we go out of our way to look good for our spouse. However, after the marriage, we start to neglect taking care of ourselves. And sometimes after we have children as well, we start to gain weight gravity starts to set in, and we neglect we don't keep ourselves fit and healthy. I remember somebody mentioned that we make an effort to look good for the outside. But

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we don't take time to look good for our spouse who really is the most important person in our lives. I remember somebody else mentioned that his spouse would wear her pajamas on it and keep it on until around two in the afternoon. At that time, she had still not taken a bath. So he felt that neglect that she's not taking time to look good for him. Another overwhelming complaint by men of women is that we pay more attention to our children than to them. When the children come. Unfortunately, the children become the priority and the men or the husbands are put on the sideline. They need attention just as much as the children need just as much as the relationship needs. So we need to be

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very aware of this. Another concern is associating with the wrong kind of company, having prints that they feel will influence us in a negative way. So be aware of this when your spouse starts to share concerns or complaints about this. Please be aware that they are the ones that matter most and what they are displeased about. We do need to address it. Another concern is engaging in unnecessary social activities. Often they see it as show off, do we have to attend every single function that comes up? That's a question that you need to decide especially if it is an issue of contention, then wastefulness and financial indiscipline no budgeting I know I'm guilty of that. Oh, I was anyway.

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But the more sensitive that Let it not be that one spouse is the one saving, trying to be frugal to make sure that there is financial stability in the home, while the other one is extravagant and wasteful. I know someone specifically said that when their functions come for weddings and so on that their spouse is ready to spend up to 50,000 Naira, which is about $140 on outfits that everybody will wear as a uniform, just to what to show off to impress. Then competition amongst ourselves. That's another concern that we try to compete and outdo each other which falls into that same category of show us that we see our friends have a particular thing then we also want it if not

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we want more just to impress them.

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Another concern or overwhelming complaint that men have of women is lack of interest in

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Personal Growth again, that area becomes stagnant in there, it becomes an intellectual gap between us and them, because we didn't show interest in what they enjoy talking about, or reading about, like sports, or politics, or their hobbies. Now, if we do not take time to really get to be on the same page with a spouse in this particular area, you find that it's when they spend a bit more time with those outside who have more in common with them, intellectually, more in common with them when it comes to their hobbies, and so on. Please look out for my video on capturing your spouse's heart, I go more in depth into this particular area. And what it is we can do to satisfy our spouse's

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needs, so they don't have to go outside to fulfill them. Another complaint about men of women is that they tell friends confidential things about the relationship or about their spouse, or they use what they have told them in confidence against them. I know for me, I was guilty of this in the early part of my relationship, I didn't tell friends or anybody but I would use things my spouse, my husband had told me in confidence, when we are fighting against him and say, Yes, your mother was right about that thing she said about you or this and that really hitting below below the belt. So be very conscious of this be sensitive of it and know that it's something men don't like, then

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another thing they don't like is secretiveness. Somebody specifically said especially about the kids, they would hide things that the children have done from them. And of course, raising children is supposed to be a joint effort. You find it's more effective when both spouses are on the same page, and are speaking the same language when it comes to how they relate in discipline issues, and so on. So don't hide secrets. I know for me, my children, or whatever they do, that I scold them about, I always update myself, sometimes I'll say no need to take action. But this is what happened. And this is what I did. Then another complaint, which we all know is this issue to do with nagging.

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And, you know, constantly whining or complaining about this, and that. So try and be more sensitive and more selective in your choice of words. And pick your battles, pick what you want to complain about, so that it's not constantly complaint complaint, and then you don't highlight anything positive. Another complaint that men have a women is that we remind them of our background where we came from our family background, you know, where it's Amanda actually said to me once that she married me as I am, she knows what my situation was my economic situation, and so on. So she should manage me that way, because this is who she married and stop reminding me of the luxuries she had in

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her own home. And that man had a point because obviously, we knew what we were getting into. In some situations, though, I know where some people would say they were deceived into believing that they were financially independent, and so on. But we are talking of the other one where you knew his economic situation, but you keep reminding him of the luxury. So be careful, be sensitive about that. Another complaint they have of us is that we are unappreciative of the small, small things that they do. Specifically, a gentleman mentioned to me that I would give my spouse a fabric, and what would she do, she would look at it look at the brand and would see, thank you, but it should

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have been maybe super or it should have been a swiss lace or boil and so on. So be very careful about this and make sure that you don't come across as ungrateful to your spouse, whatever little acts they do, are sufficient and be content. If you have more to add to this list I've shared please send me an email. I'm eager to receive additional things so that I can share it with others and learn myself. If you enjoyed this and any other of my episodes, please share it with others. And then you can follow me on Facebook or join my YouTube channel and see more videos just like this. Thank you so much and May Allah bless you all and continue to guide us in all our endeavors and

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strengthen the bond between us and our spouses Assalamu alaikum