Lovestruck Session 3

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Abdul Nasir Jangda

Channel: Abdul Nasir Jangda

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah

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salam aleikum, wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Mashallah, it's really awesome to see everybody out here as I was pulling in, just pulled in a few minutes ago, told my wife, it's like aid Mashallah people are parking on the streets and Mashallah it's really encouraging to see everybody come out and make the most of a, of a holiday, and to really come out to educate themselves on a very sensitive, but very, extremely important topic. I wanted to start by telling a little a brief story of an experience I had.

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He mentioned about the Islamic conference in Chicago. And Mashallah the the brothers and sisters, that is a wonderful organization, they do great work. But unfortunately, and even my wife, who's never been to in this conference, I checked with her on the way here is now has a reputation. Everybody knows about the Israel lobby scene. Everybody knows about it. People who've been there people who haven't been there, it's kind of a running joke in the Muslim community, that the Israeli lobby scene is scandalous, and it's shady. And there's all types of stuff going on over there. I was there this past summer at the conference. And as he mentioned, you know, pretty much even all the

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speakers we were all sitting in this little lounge area talking and having conversations with each other. So I was walking with another very prominent, well known speaker, a younger speaker, who Mashallah gets the youth, he understands a youth perspective.

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But sometimes you just can't help yourself, you know, you see what's going on there. And it just brings a certain reaction. And so I was walking with Him, and we had to walk through the lobby, we had to go out to the car to get something. And he kind of made some comments saying like, Oh, it's stuck for the law. These people, they're so bad, they're so shady. Look what they're up to. And it's just, it's sad. It's you know, it's embarrassing that the what these people are doing and what they're up to, and he made some comments like that. And while to a certain extent, sure, what he's saying isn't completely wrong, what was going on, there wasn't the most productive or beneficial

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thing, obviously. And it was detrimental to those people in their eemaan. But I responded to that brother, that friend of mine, the speaker, by saying to him, I said, You know what, though, but at the end of the day, there's just guys and girls

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who feel an attraction for members of the opposite gender. So guys who are attracted to girls, girls that are attracted to guys, and all they're basically doing is acting on that human instinct of attraction or desire for a person for a member of the opposite gender.

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And so what I was trying to share with my friend was, let's give this some perspective.

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The fact that they are attracted to members of the opposite gender isn't what's wrong here. I mean, in the Quran itself in Surah, Talia Emraan, Allah subhanaw taala says, Do you know Linda Boucher, hochiminh aneesa. This is something Allah has embedded within human beings to feel attracted to members of the opposite gender, that's a sign that somebody is healthy.

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Somebody is physically emotionally psychologically healthy, so they feel an attraction for someone of the opposite gender.

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So that's actually the all that says is that these are healthy, young people.

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But the problem is this, when we have those urges, when we have those desires, when we have these feelings, what do we do with these emotions? How do we act on them? And that's where the problem occurs. And that's where there is a problem here. But let's not lose sight of the perspective because maybe a lot of these kids that were sitting there in that lobby, socializing and indulging in this type of behavior, maybe they haven't been properly educated about how to handle these emotions. They haven't been told how they should react and respond to these urges and these desires. So should we begrudge them? Because they just don't know what's right and what's wrong? Or should we

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try to understand the issue at hand, and then tackle it in a very productive, positive educational manner.

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And so that's what this forum is about, to try to understand these issues, and to try to handle this and solve this problem in an extremely positive and productive manner. So I've talked about controlling the eyes and the ears and tempering, managing, filtering what you are exposed to

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Cuz it's a direct channel to the heart.

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In the summer, well, Bizarro world, like a Canon masuleh. It's a direct channel to the heart, and will be held accountable for these things. So our heart will be impacted by it over time. But let's say that now, we are resisting these urges.

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We're not we're not overly exposing ourselves to evil things. But that human desire for companionship of a member of the opposite gender is still there. That's a sign of being healthy. Remember, that just means you're a human being.

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So how do we manage that? And so the issue that we have at hand, because I'm pretty sure a lot of young brothers and sisters, when he talks about pornography and these things, they say, Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

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That's, that's, that's gross. Why would you indulge in that?

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And the way they've justified dating, and having inappropriate relationships with members of the opposite gender, boyfriends and girlfriends and dating,

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and hooking up and these types of things, they've justified it that at least I'm not stooping to that level of behavior. At least I'm not acting like some animal.

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And so this is how I'm basically fulfilling my desires.

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But what I wanted to talk about here today was we obviously understand and we, I'm pretty sure nobody would argue even though the below average Muslim realizes simply this much, that it's not permissible within Islam, dating and having these types of premarital extramarital relationships are not allowed within Islam.

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They're not allowed within Islam. But what I wanted to talk about today is the psychological, emotional, and even physical harm, of indulging in this lifestyle,

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of dating,

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and of having these inappropriate relationships. First of all, I want to talk about the psychological impact of it.

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If you've experienced it, then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Otherwise, go talk to people who are a part of this dating scene.

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You know, a lot of times when people are still young things are still a lot more simple. But as people go forward, you know, it starts to become a stronger desire and a stronger need. And people that are a part of the dating scene, ask them about how exhausting and how psychologically traumatizing that lifestyle is. This is how the dating scene works. You have to dress yourself up, you have to prepare yourself and present yourself almost like a piece of merchandise in a glass case, or a piece of meat on the shelf. And you have to try to hide everything that makes you you

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everything about yourself, the little quirks that you have the little weird things about you, the things that your family members would love about you, your brother and sister appreciate about you, your best friends can't get enough of all the things that make you who you are. You have to hide all those things. You have to pretend like somebody you're not you have to dress like somebody you you're not talk like somebody you're not sit in a way that you don't like to, to walk and talk in a way that is extremely difficult. It's like being at work.

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You know, when people go out, and when people are on dates.

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It's extremely exhausting for people. They're tired when they get back.

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It's so damn loud. That's insane. All right, it's like it's like a like a huge blow dryer. So, but

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it's really distracting. So

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it's extremely exhausting to people. They have to protect, continue date after date after date, continue to hide who they are. And their hope. Listen to this, listen to how crazy it sounds. The hope or the long term plan is to hide who I am for six months, till I have this personally person completely emotionally hooked. So now where this person can get away, they can't escape

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and then

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reveal Myself

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and expose myself for who I really am.

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And hope that that person sticks around

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to live with this person who eats like a slob sleeps on their face.

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Right? likes to watch YouTube for three hours a day. That's who I really am. But I pretended for six months to be the coolest guy in the universe. I pretended to be somebody from television.

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I pretended to be the guy from CSI Miami,

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right

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and now I'm hoping that we

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This person realizes that's not who I am, then they'll be okay with it. so exhausting.

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And most of the time, how does it end up,

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they end up breaking up after some time, maybe weeks, maybe months, if they're lucky a year or two, and then they break up.

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Now comes the email. So psychologically, you are changing who you are, you're forcing yourself to live a lie by engaging in this dating scene.

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The emotional distress and the emotional harm you cost to yourself, when you engage in this lifestyle.

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When that breakup happens,

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for a lot of people, it's the most painful experience of their life.

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They it literally feels like their heart got ripped out. It takes weeks and months for them to even consider

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even talking to somebody else.

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even consider moving on, they have to completely press the reset button

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and emotionally recover from the situation.

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This is the emotional result. And the distress and the harm that this lifestyle causes. physically speaking, what's the harm in it?

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I'm going to be very honest here. There were plenty of disclaimers made about this topic, this issue and what needs to be said.

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The amount of I mean, I'm not a medical professional, I'll start by saying that

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a doctor could better shed some light on this, he could better educate us on this. But the amount of diseases, STDs, the disgusting things that are going around.

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You're basically putting yourself at risk when you put yourself out there in this type of lifestyle.

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And it's, you know, in this hole, I grew up in a position where

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as far as we knew, you would have to

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take the relationship all the way,

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you would have to indulge in very extreme levels of physical intimacy, to contract one of these types of diseases. It's not even like that anymore. They're being orally transmitted.

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And these are the type of diseases that you end up having to live your entire life with.

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The other physical harm that it causes is that realize a lot of the young brothers and sisters might say, Oh, that's odd, I'm not signing up for that. But a time in a place will come into your life, you'll reach a point in your life will you'll want a family, you want to settle down, you'll want one person that you can live the rest of your life with. You want children, you'll want to build a home.

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And when that time comes, the more relationships you've gone through, the more dating you've done, the more people that you've experienced intimacy with you are constantly for the brothers, you're constantly going to compare your wife to each and every single girl you ever went out with and that you ever experienced intimacy with,

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that you ever dated that you ever hooked up with. For the sisters, you will constantly compare your husband to every single guy you ever went out with or hooked up with.

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And you'll never be fulfilled, you'll never be happy. That person will never feel like they are the love of your life. The person that you were meant to spend your life with your soulmate. You'll be cheating yourself out of that experience. And the people who are married and are experiencing that level of a relationship. Find some private time with them. Sisters, younger sisters go and talk to a sister in the community who's married to someone who they feel is their their their soulmate.

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And sit down and have a private conversation. Just ask them how fulfilling it is, how amazing it is to experience that relationship, the brothers do the same thing.

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And you'll be cheating yourself of that experience.

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So this is what the first thing I wanted to talk about is this dating scene.

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And how it is it's it's it's a hornet's nest.

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It's a huge trap. It's extremely attractive from the outside, it's being sold to us. It's being sold to us he made a few jokes about these movies, and the sitcoms in the places that create this fairy tale

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of what it's like. But in reality, it is the most horrible experience people have gone through. I've had so many different personal experiences. I don't want to drag on too long, but I'll just mention a couple.

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There was a grocery store by our house, there was a young lady who worked at the cash register. And you know, sometimes when you kind of have a routine you get back from work, and you you go to buy your groceries once a week or twice a week or something becomes kind of a routine. So you go in the evening, whenever you end up going. So there was this young lady that used to work at at the register cashier. And so me and my wife whenever we'd be coming through there, she'd see us and she started saying hi and How y'all doing and things like that. So eventually, she just kind of asked us based on you know, just

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appearance in my wife wearing job and whatnot. So she asked about us, like, you know, what's up with this? And who are y'all? And what do you do? And how do you go about things?

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And she eventually took the conversation to even this issue of gender relations.

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So how does that work?

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And when we explained to her, that this is our concept of marriage that we basically have some patience.

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we suppress our desires just a little bit, we hold out just a little bit.

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But for something so amazing at the end of it,

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this girl, it was so awkward, this girl at the register sitting ready, she broke down in tears.

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And she said, You would not believe how many jerks I've dealt with.

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How many guys have broken my heart, how many guys have stolen money from me? How many guys have abused me, treated me like an animal.

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And she said, and I continue to go through the grind. Because I'm trying to find that person. I'm trying to find that fulfilling experience.

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And I really feel bad for her. And we gave her Dawa, we told her about Islam, we told her that to come check it out and listen to it.

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Another similar experience was I was teaching at a university, I was teaching at UT Arlington, there was a couple, they're both professors. So they used to teach there. And they were just very interested in different cultures and religions and whatnot. So we would have conversations from time to time and staff meetings and faculty meetings.

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So they asked me, and during that time, it was actually when I was engaged, and I was about to get married. And so they asked me about the entire process. And when I told them, this is how it works, and I don't date and we don't engage in these types of relationships, and pre marital relationships and intimacy, we don't engage in these things.

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So immediately, they both looked at each other. And they were like, wow, life would have been so much more simpler.

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And they had just had a daughter, and the husband told the wife, he goes, that's how my daughter is going to get married.

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He's not going out with some thug.

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And so it's just even the natural desire. Why would you want a subject and sometimes like Abraham was mentioning, due to external factors and shape on and our desires, we end up harming ourselves. But when you're able to objectively think and a lot of times, that's from the parents perspective, you look at your child, and you're able to objectively think, how can I protect this child from harm. That's the initial instinct, I would never want my child to have these experiences, I would never want my child heartbroken, I would never want my child to go through these disgusting experiences. So that's the first thing.

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The next thing I wanted to talk about was, however, this entire dating scene within the Muslim community, it's becoming extremely prevalent. And even more religiously, practicing and active youth are engaging in these things. And, and I, this is from my experience of having dealt with community, that I feel that this is an extreme reaction to the opposite extreme. Now, again, I'm gonna say something that's kind of sensitive, and might hit home for a lot of people. But this is an educational forum, we got to bring it out, we got to put our cards on the table.

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Our as, as our generation, we have a very interesting perspective. We are the children of immigrants, who came from a different place a different world, a different culture, a completely different place.

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And, unfortunately, 3040 5060 years ago, in other parts of the world,

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the practice of marriage, and how people went about getting married, while there wasn't this dating scene, but that doesn't mean that it was right the way it was being done.

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The forced marriages,

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the arranged marriages, to the point where sometimes a person didn't even see their spouse until then the guy has already done,

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marriage ceremonies conducted. And now the husband and the wife are seeing each other for the first time. They never even said hi to each other before they didn't, the gap was already done.

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And they ended up falling into a situation in a place where they didn't even know each other. They had nothing in common. They couldn't stand each other. They couldn't be in the same room together. But now it is what it is. Right. And so they live life this way. And so a lot of the children a lot of the younger people grew up seeing this situation, maybe not in their in their own homes with their own parents, but maybe with some uncles or aunts or some other relatives. And

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for basically to say it plainly as I can. This scared the living heck out of them.

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This scared them half to death.

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And so a lot of young people grow up saying I'm not going to end up like that. I cannot end up like that. I cannot go through life like that. Like Mom, you might have been able to deal with it, dad. That's fine. That's the way y'all roll.

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back then. But that's not how I'm doing things. I can't.

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And what that did

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it resulted in us going to the opposite extreme,

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where we overindulged where we dated, and we think took things too far, to the point where now it was disobedience. And actually we were depriving ourselves of the blessing of Allah, in our marriages and our relationships.

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So what we need to realize is that there is a healthy balance in the middle,

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where you do get to see and get to know and realize who you're marrying, and who you're coming into a relationship with.

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The Quran talks about this, the Quran woman, a famous Ayah quoted anytime at the occasion of marriage or walima, woman it and Allah Allah communion fujichrome as virgin Lita school ha ha. That from the miraculous signs of a law, or that he's created for you spouses, he's created a spouse for every person. And what what why is the law given each and every single person that spouse leads us to know Elijah, so you can find peace and tranquility and happiness and comfort with that person? How can you find peace, tranquility, happiness with the person when you have nothing in common with them? When you can't even stand them? When you can't even communicate? You can't even talk?

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So the practicality of it is there. The prophets a lot. He said, even there's a hottie. There's multiple narrations. There's an incident about a young man coming to the prophet SAW Selim and saying, I'm getting married.

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And the process I'm in his wisdom says what? He says, Have you seen her? Have you met her? He said, No, he said, the Go,

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go find out who you're getting married to, for in Nevada, and you're gonna be in a coma, because this will ensure that you guys end up sinking up together.

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The word that the prophet SAW some use wasn't,

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wasn't love, but so that you can sync with each other. Because if you can't get on the same page, you can sync with each other, you can't even understand or talk to each other. How is love ever going to develop in that relationship. So realize what I'm trying to communicate is that there is a healthy middle ground. Don't feel that either you have to get into this forced marriage.

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You have to be married to somebody, you're like you're in prison for the rest of your life.

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Or you have to engage in this type of inappropriate behavior. No, there's a healthy middle ground.

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There's a healthy middle ground.

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Where we resist our temptations, we don't indulge in our desires. We don't go have inappropriate relationships with people. But marriage proposals will come there will be other people in the community. And at that time, you'll be able to get to talk to get to understand and see and know who this proposal is from or who you are proposing to, and be able to enter into a healthy marriage educated with your eyes open, know what you're doing, without having an engaged in haraam. In that which was forbidden that which displeases Allah. Think about it for a second, he alluded to it. Allah gave us so much. He gave us so much. And in return, he asks us not to do a few things. Don't

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do this, don't do this. Don't do that. That's it.

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And when we still defy him, and when we still disobey Him, we disappoint him.

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We deprive ourselves of His mercy, and his compassion and His love and His blessing. don't deprive yourself of that blessing. don't deprive yourself of the mercy and the love and the compassion of alone. But seek it by disciplining yourself, controlling yourself.

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Quickly, last two notes I wanted to mention.

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The next thing I wanted to say is when we whenever we talk about this issue of not dating, not indulging in these type of relationships. Again, I'm going to talk about as plainly and as openly as I can.

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We usually think that this type of a talk

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or these type of instructions,

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are aimed at Muslim peep Muslims,

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young brothers and young sisters who aren't that practicing.

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Who don't practice Islam that much. You know, the kind of out there Muslims are being very friendly.

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So we usually think that this is talking to them, or this is talking about them.

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But what I wanted to say and kind of give a special note to and by means of this, give some advice to the more practicing Muslim youth. And also let those Muslim youth who might not be as religiously active that we're not picking only on you.

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We're not picking only on you. We're just trying to educate the community.

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The worst thing we can do

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Use religious activity, religious volunteering, to mask to justify engaging in the same behavior.

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Sometimes some very religious youth under the guise of religious volunteering or religious work, they're essentially dating.

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They're essentially dating, they spend hours together, they go eat lunch together.

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And they're able to justify it to themselves to help themselves sleep at night by saying, oh, but I'm just volunteering brother.

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I'm trying to further the Dharma.

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It's all about the dean, baby.

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Right?

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And you know what, as a side, as a result of that, the Muslim youth want they're practicing saying, you know what, look at this hypocrisy.

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Look at this hypocrisy, these religious people just want to talk down to us on the team all the time. But that brother and sister,

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look at him making googly eyes at each other.

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Look at that I know what's going on there.

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And it creates more problems within our community. So my sincere advice,

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my message to those maybe not so practicing youth, yes, what those people are doing is also wrong. It's also inappropriate. We're not just judging you, we're not picking on you. we're addressing the issue. My advice to the more practicing more active brothers and sisters,

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we have to discipline ourselves. Don't turn religion into a facilitator to do more evil as the worst thing you could do to abuse this beautiful dean of ours

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to fulfill your own desires.

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And the last And the final thing that I wanted to touch on here was

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Okay, brother, you yelled and screamed, and you told us that's wrong. This is wrong. And this is hot arm. And that's hot arm. Thank you very much. Pretty much what I expected.

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What about some practical solutions?

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What about some practical solutions. And actually, I saved this to the very end, I don't even need a lot of time for this, because it's very easy. The first thing is,

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remember that

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waiting, and being patient always brings about the best results

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always brings about the best results, that fruit harvest. Anything that's worth the effort, it requires patience of you as well. So you will find a relationship you will get married one day you will find somebody who understands you, and that you'll be able to fulfill yourself with that person through that person emotionally, psychologically and physically.

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But you might just have to put a little invest a little bit of time into it. Be a little bit patient. That's the first thing. The second thing is put yourself in like minded company.

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When you say okay, I know it's wrong to date. I know it's wrong to go out like this. I know it's wrong to hook up. But when I'm hanging out with four other guys who are actively dating or engaging in the type of behavior that man was describing, where they're going out and checking out members of the opposite gender, and making inappropriate comments, and I'm hanging out with those people, it's going to continue to pull me in that direction, then it will feel like a struggle like a day to day struggle, a daily struggle, like I can't deal with this anymore, you feel like your head is going to explode. But if you put yourself with like minded company, brothers or hanging out with other

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brothers who have a similar focus, they're willing to discipline themselves, they're willing to be patient and stick it out for something that's much, much better. The sisters hang out with other sisters who have a similar focus that will shield you

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that will cushion the blow, it will shield you from the constant pressure to engage in this type of behavior. So put yourself in like minded company. It will it's the most important thing you could do. And the lesson the final thing is strengthen your relationship with Allah.

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You remember, you're only doing this for Allah, you're not. You're not you're not avoiding dating, and hooking up and these things, not to impress the youth director or the Imam or your parents or the community, or the known you're not doing it for anybody. You're only doing it for Allah. You're only doing it because Allah asked you not to do it.

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Because it's not it's going to displease Allah. That's why you're not doing it. And guess what, he doesn't tell you to do something, and then leaves you out there to struggle and sweat it out and go through difficulty. He doesn't do that to anybody. He's there for us constantly.

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We just have to approach and strengthen our relationship with him. He's there around the clock. 24 seven, always there for you.

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He will give you strength, patience, conviction, confidence. He'll give you all these things. He'll bless you.

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So much, you just have to go and strengthen your relationship with Him. And the basics of that the beginning of that is

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the five times daily prayer.

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It doesn't take a lot. takes five minutes, five minutes five times a day. How much does that add up to everybody?

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25 minutes. How long is the average sitcom on TV? The half hour sitcom? How long is it? It's 22 minutes.

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To pray five times a day takes the same amount of time it takes to watch friends you can tell I haven't watched TV in a long time.

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All right.

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So

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it's 25 minutes,

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five times a day, take out five minutes and just put your head on the ground before Allah and then spread your hands before him and just talked to him a lot. It's it's difficult. Today was really hard. I don't know how to deal with it. And he will help you and He will help you get through any problems or any issues that you experience. May Allah give us all the ability to practice everything you said and hurt just Akuma located on Samadhi