Prophetic Communication #03 Commentary With the Heart in Mind

Hasib Noor


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lacinato Salam also allowed us to read alongside that I had even even a meeting with him as I said if it were in well sunny LA home or selling already kind of had even when they were homeless I sent him a lot of my study I had even I want to be known for him. So a lot it was said about Colombia, they could have a vacuum of law, what Kula Mohan and they can you offer your own, All praise is due to a loss plans that are going to be revealed and those who we can seal and even knows what the animals feel we thank him, we praise him on him, we have alliances, it is in that we only turn to for guidance. We asked him to send his peace, his blessings, His mercy on the best of human beings

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and prophets, Mohamed salah, this amount will be praised until the very end of our days, and we asked him for steadfastness, guidance, mercy, and to never lead us astray. And for him to save us on Judgement Day. We will compare him to that to our continuous health does on prophetic communication.

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We've covered two prior sessions or three

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was just the numbers of three, three examples.

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Try and make your week we cover two sessions prior to this as an introduction of what it means to have prophetic communication. We talked about how relationships

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and how they may lead to failing, based on for reasons that God calls the four horsemen. And we talked about them content and district which leads to former resentment, criticism, stonewalling, and so forth. So the idea was discussing what are methods of prophetic communication? And how long have you so alojado cinema exemplified that and the things to do, because one of the things you should avoid is the things you don't the absolute things you should avoid, and then talk about how you should do it. Because if you avoid the absolutes, and not fall into the absolutes, like, for example, we talked about assumption,

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leading by assumption, meaning when you're just having a discussion with with someone, and you're predicating that conversation on an assumption. And we talked about how you can overcome that.

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Overcome that level of conflict by simply using if statements, because assumptions do what it assumes a person has said something and you're reacting based on it. So what is an if statement, you say, I feel x, because of what x y right? And then I would like for you to do z,

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if you do this, it will solve large majority of communication issues. The second component of that is also not making assumptions. So when you have an assumption of a person's actions, or what they said, do the following two things. Number one, ask them, Did you intend this?

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Do you mean this?

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By your action or their statement? And let them explain? If they explained it off? Then you misunderstood? Or you can say, did you mean by your statement, X y&z If you do this, it will also clear so much as assumptions is what the prophets I said, have a sense of the kind of will one Yakko on one in

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an Arabic has multiple meanings among them sufficient. So be careful of being suspicious of people. So when you're speaking to somebody, it's always with a with a guise of suspicion. But also, it's all it's predicated on assumptive illness, or symptoms, especially in relationships, there's a lot of assumption that happens,

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can be assumption on body language and assumption on also verbal assumption. So for example, let's say,

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my husband and wife go to the store for some kind of, you know, shopping, etc, and a man's looking this way. And the husband says, the wife says, the husband, who do you think you're looking at

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a tournament, we talking about? Looking at the fruit?

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It's like, No, I saw how you're looking at her. Right? Because he was looking at the direction of a woman she may have assumed the guy was looking at now, of course, does not mean that every single man is absolved of actually looking at another one. But the reality is, yes, it could be based on the fact that you're simply looking at actual fruit or society or something like that. But predicating the relationship and this kind of negative attitude of

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basically, suspicion and an assumption can lead to conflict and friction. Right? So there's positive ways to deal with that. Right? There's ways to if this is a problem, that it's an actual problem, she's sure of it, that that can be alleviated. But if it's based on an assumption, it's just going to lead to conflict. Are we talking

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not you know what, what are you talking about is a form of sometimes gaslighting another woman's emotions, and validating what some way she feels. For example, why does she feel that way? Maybe she's seen this man to do this more than once method and certain things that just go beyond the one instance. There's a reason why a person feels this way. So, today's session we're going to start a book when I told you I'm going to start a book called how he treated them by Chef so I didn't imagine but I thought it'd be better to start a different book before we jump into that one straightaway. And this book is when the heart in mind by shaking Mikael Smith with the heart and

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mind question from Michaela Smith. You can get a paperback or whatever we're going to be going through this book because it talks about prophetic emotional intelligence, prophetic emotional intelligence, how the prophets I said it was emotionally intelligent with people and talks about a more from a theoretical perspective. And then the second book we're going to cover in Sharla, is how he treated them with practical examples. So it's called the moral and emotional intelligence of the prophets of Allah hottie salah. And it's fairly, you know, it's fairly long. But I do believe that it is incredibly important. We're not going to sit there and read every single portion of this and

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give you an explanation. Schiff Mikael from the law has done an excellent job. And there's even classes where he's offered to do that. But we're going to cover topically. So what I do is I expect you all to read the book during the week, this section we come. I'll I'll discuss my points from that section. And I will ask you questions. I will also pick you for discussion. What did you think about this? What are some examples of that? So it's called with the heart and mind you can get it on Amazon Kindle or you can buy the paperback. I'm not getting cut, I'm just letting you know, right? So straightforward. So immediately should be happy the Hmong good friend, he says I begin this book

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by asking a simple question. Who is the most intelligent person you know?

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Who is the most intelligent person you know?

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You did it. Okay. Why

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is multiple degrees so intelligence mashallah, in that perspective, greater

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in the wall against the wall in the blue, in the middle of the Three Musketeers?

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What was the most intelligent person? You know?

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The prophets of Allah was mainly good, why?

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He's the role model. But why, like, why is he the most intelligent person?

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Yeah, there wasn't a directive from a lot to do, what I saw was,

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to live life. So that makes him the most intelligent example. Anybody else?

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Anybody else? My brother has

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the same answer, because she basically gave the best answer. Basically, yes, no one is going to give you another one after that, but but that's true. I what I wanted y'all to also do is to look from your own personal examples of the best role model. And I want to I want you all to think about why they are the most intelligent person to you. Right. So either their intellect, their achievements.

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You know, anything from from the world, and other world lead, for example, some people will mention the grandmother, or grandfather or a brother or sister or somebody in the masjid. They feel the most intelligent based on the value that they do things like that. So he says, history is replete with men and women who have tokenized as icons of intellect and reason. And we've sculpted prizes and awards to be placed with within their hands, as they were idolizing.

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And he says, My observation is that when this question is posed to even a religious Muslim, the answers that are given are people who are the furthest removed from faith. A 2013 study from the University of Rochester titled The relation between intelligence and religiosity found that they called negative association between intelligence and religiosity. This means that as people became more intelligent, they became less religious. And he goes on to say

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that, in essence, the best examples

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the best of examples for us as believers is the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam because of the fact that he was the most emotionally intelligent human being.

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And his interactions, as well as his natural intelligence and intellect speaks for itself for many people who were at the very least

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objective thinkers and analysts that

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shows and the use the law to set up his rationality and intellect and he says, the author of the prophets Eliza, the after hears often is a word for intellect. He says illuminated darkness within man while also

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illuminating the darkness outside of them.

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It says if we can, if one can model and develop the multiple intelligences he possessed, one may also hope to become an agent of deep radical change and influence. Meaning what if you hone the emotional intelligence of the problem from asylum you become a successful human being?

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Right. And there's books written on the various what he calls intelligentsia intelligence and intelligence, meaning the different layers of his intelligence of breaking down the problem homicides. For example, as a leader, John Adam has a book called leadership of the of the Prophet Muhammad sizer. You have the Prophet Muhammad Seisen as a teacher, and from that status, all parenting models as well, because the best parents are also the best teachers.

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And that is famous book by Chef, I prefer to have a word that the teacher of our teachers who passed away is a serious scholar. He's the teacher of our teachers, and we read parts of this book to our chef, your halo fan interview. And that's also a book we should be doing. But anyway, so put it on the list.

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So the notion here is the prophets I said as a spouse, the prophets I send them some guidance towards either single, or those who are single parents, and so on and so forth. He says, we approach this topic by separating the message from the messenger our claim is that the methods used by the messenger to affect change deserve just as much as much attention as the message he was tasked to convey. It will be an investigation of the intellect of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and then he describes how the book will be broken down. I will let you read the whole introduction in and of itself. And he talks about the atom. Okay. And in all honesty, the breakdown

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of shift in the chaos Smith of the actor comes from a philosophical perspective.

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The notion here is that every human being has been given an intellect which recognizes a law which recognizes god. Okay. But this comes from in my respect to Chicago, of course, this comes from a Calum

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theological perspective. What is the kalam theological perspective, Kedah refers to the rational reasoning of scholars, which establishes faith, which establishes theology. So there's different schools of theology within our tradition, there's those core more rationally

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siling. And there's those who are more textually, citing the rational were people like a shadow, and the metal Ed among the scholars of Islam, you ever heard these names before? These are just norms of schools of theology schools of understanding faith. And then you have another group of scholars that that song that leans towards what's called FM, or the tests and staying within the confines of the theology that's found within textual evidence, not that the other side did it. But this is what they were known for an absence of what's the opposite of rational theology? So textual theology, it's just, and by the way, the funniest thing ever is, if you were to go to some of the scholars in

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history, they never claimed that they were sad.

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They never claimed they were sad. This distinction that was made came much later, compartmentalization of understanding theology and stuff. And you're like, this is way too philosophical. Yeah. Well, it honestly is, if you were to go to people like you're not about to

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write a great radical scholar, he never would say he's an SME, as opposed to being a Kedem. A cut out oriented Scott, why am I saying this? Because shift for me, Kyle Smith, talks about the need for rationality, and the Oracle to recognize a law. The need for your intellect, meaning you are naturally distinctively born with an intellect that is obligated to know God. You must use that rational faculty, to know your Lord, that rational faculty is what also will dictate your emotional intelligence as well. And the foundation of that understanding is that what

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faculty that intellect that Allah gave you, is then fine tuned and refined by guidance from Allah. So your your intellect must be used to understand the obligation that there is a Lord and God and Creator that's what Allah gave you an intellect for. Okay? And then that intellect when you understand that there's revelation will refine the intellect as well as your behavior guidance for your life and so on and so forth. I summarized for you like 100 pages of this book right now to two words. Okay.

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I have I have a slight caveat

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To all of us, we also come from the tradition that you're not a need necessarily, to approach it from an intellectual angle.

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We come also from the angle, that the revelation itself

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is a proof enough,

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if you come to understand that the Quran is the word of God, right, based on the fact that there's a creator that delivered the message, we believe you're naturally inclined to believe in a God, we believe human beings are naturally inclined to believe in God. And that's why you find many people, never even God, but I'm agnostic. So there's more reasons than rational reasons. For faith. There can be spiritual reasons, something some person raised their hands and they made dua, and their two hours answered, for example, I know people who are not Muslim,

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and they had, say, a dunk to them, black magic, they were advised to play the clip on or on it was recited on that. And only Allah cued them through that, because applause cure of black magic of anything, right.

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And based on that experience, they accepted faith. Right? Is this a miraculousness? That, of course, is some people they prayed and Allah subhanaw taala. And I know people who have had dreams. And that was their means of guidance is this the normal life path? Of course not. But every person has different

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mode of accepting of faith, you can create one model. So this is one of the things I do have, as a slight critiquing, as a slight critique of the book itself that it creates a model as if every single person must use the rational approach to fail. And that's just not true. There is no one mode to accepting failure. It's different for different people. So he spent a significant amount of time talking about the theory of intelligence. And this goes on for a significant portion of the Book, we're going to skip the vast majority of that. All right, we're going to keep going.

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And we're going to start on section two. Okay.

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Section two is emotional intelligence. So the first portion was rational intelligence. Now he talks about emotional intelligence. So he says, a Hadith of the Prophet myself, which is one of my favorite Hadith, which speaks about how your intellect has two components. One is rationality, and one is emotion. So he says, the Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad is, of course, that is when he says, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, He who mixes with people and is patient with them, is better than the one who avoids people and doesn't have patience with them.

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And another narration, which he didn't mention, the one that mixes with people, and is even harmed by their inch, then that person's interaction with them is better than the one that isolates themselves from them.

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Some notion of protecting yourself like hacking. So this gives you an idea that our faith is not a monastic faith. Our faith is not a reclusive faith. Our faith is not an isolated faith. All right, meaning what? You became a believer, okay, the whole world is, is messed up. I want to go to farm in Round Rock, and live my life the way I want to live, okay? The whole world is messed up. Now, does this mean that you cannot create

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a society a social circle that is protective of your values? Of course not. But does that mean that a believer just accepts faith and and completely isolates themselves from society? Not necessarily. Both of these have exceptional cases as well? For example, somebody finds that they're in an environment that extremely toxic that's going to affect them. So they're like, oh, no, you know, the prophets. I said, let me be around these people constantly. So these people go to the club, you go to the club with them, they go to parties, where the parties with them, they they gossip, you sit with them? No, this is this is an exceptional case. If you're being negatively influenced by your

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environment, the prophet Allah commands the prophesy settlement, don't sit with them. Don't sit with them, because if it's affecting you, and they're also speaking, mocking the dean or doing things that will influence you to fall into that this is not what the hadith is entailing the Hadith. Its meaning is that the believer is emotionally intelligent, and how they deal with people around them, so that they are the ones influencing people with their faiths with their faith, and not the one that is being influenced. That's what the Hadith entails. Meaning, if you have the ability to with your relationship with people,

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impart your faith in a manner that is non negotiable of your values. Then you're fulfilling the Hadith, but if you're someone that

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If doesn't have that strength, you know yourself, then it is better for you to be in a social circle that will not negatively influence you. We have to understand everything in context. So he says human attraction is amazing the complex as we all played multiple roles in lives of those around us.

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He says an emotional and social intelligence are essential elements of the occult, by Christian historical forms rational emotion, because they teach us how to help guide and engage with everyone around us. Healthy relationships require a perceptive, emotional understanding, and large amount of emotional investment with these two factors, our most precious ties of kinship and friendships will dry up and wither away. And that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is describing the narration and deed the family of my father are not my protectors. Rather, my close protectors are only Allah and the righteous believers, they, the family of my father have a bond of kinship with me

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that I keep damp, meaning one that I that I engage with, and my emotional and social interaction with them, is an obligation on me in essence.

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He says when we study his emotional intelligence, we begin to appreciate the sharper sufferings of the prophets, I suppose, interpret intrapersonal and interpersonal emotional awareness.

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In order to build this aspect of intelligence within his companions, He began by deconstructing the incorrect projections of things like masculinity that existed in his community for the for men, or his historical accounts indicate that his society plays little to no value on male emotionality. He introduced his community to aspects of male Bush analogy that were typically frowned upon and considered unmanly, for example, for example, profit I sort of sat down

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was approached by a man.

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And he saw a nice little voiceover kissing his grandson.

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So he says, You kiss your grandson. He says, of course, this is mercy.

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Right? Of course, I kiss my grandson. He says, I have 10 children, and I have never kissed them once.

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So the prophets I sent him a set of him struggling, but you know, in a way that he understands, he says that you have not been granted mercy.

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When your heart is devoid at first, how can you not kiss your children, another one who had

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daughter and son, there was seemingly a mismanagement of the relationship between a daughter and a son. Okay, so the prophets of Allah audio, it's kind of a sentence, the way you treat

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and the way you gift your son, you must also give your daughter

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meaning, maintain balance, does that mean maintain the same treatment? No, there's no that's not possible. How can you maintain the exact same equal level? No, you must be fair, but it's impossible for you to justify the exact same level. It doesn't make that will not be possible. Why? Because a doctor requires more care. This is this is there's no doubt in Islam that this is this is reality. And that's why popular culture of demanding equality every single right is act can actually lead to injustice.

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It can lead to injustice, our faith actually gives more care

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to one gender than the other. Yes, that's true. And there's a lack of care in both. And that is why

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I will address two things in this scenario. One of them is what is it referred to that there should be equitable. Notice the word here I use my words very carefully. equitable treatment between genders in our faith to specifically children you haven't you have a daughter and you have a son. What is not equitable treatment is what you see prevalent in our culture. There's a standard for the for boys and there's a there's a different standard for girls on acceptance. So the guy can be out till 2am In the morning, when what I had

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when I had him is they don't care. Right. And the girl if she requests to be with a friend or something with a curfew commented on your life, right like the end of Day of Judgment has been established. This is inequality is inequitable behavior. And the response usually well they're boys they okay they can get shot on the on one of one of the streets and and made or they can get they can run into trouble their boys now that is not equitable, that is not right. Right. We you you must have fairness that dealing with this. So there should be some level of understanding here between what is

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equitable between your children, you can create the separation of standards. In this regard. This, of course, has much more detail involved, right? Because in reality, in reality, the amount of sexual harassment, harassment in general, but even just sectors harassment that is directed at women in this culture, not just culture in the world. So let's differentiate between Muslim world and around the world is much more than than beyond. Okay, one in four women in the world have faced domestic violence one in nine in this country, men,

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one in four women, one in nine men in this country. And UK in the West.

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Domestic violence before it's reported, it is said that a woman in England will go through the 35 instances of assault before she reported

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35 This is this is this effect. Okay. So I will share with you some stories. There is one of my students. She said I was with my father, with my father.

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And we went to go shopping in the mall, I think on her birthday. And a man in this country stops and makes a comment about her failure in front of her phone.

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If remember, this young girl wears a hijab, like it's covered. Guess what? The reaction of the fathers

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was Zafar. What's the reaction? Fine. What do you think? Just give me give me some

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drama. Let's go.

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He was angry. He buried him nicely upstream. What what do you think he did?

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The third of the three musketeers. Yes.

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I like how you automatically knew it was you. Go ahead go.

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With me? Oh,

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She's a woman she knows. The Father commanded the daughter to go sit in the car and don't come out.

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You're allowed. But this is the this is the mentality that exists? Because what are you gonna do that? Yeah, they fill in the blank. Whatever you think that person is right? I have some words, but I'm holding my autonomous back.

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That person, cos we love. Why is the woman blamed

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for existing?

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This is the mentality that exists in our cultures.

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Oftentimes, when it comes to things even like rape, and sexual harassment, do you know what the often quoted? Responses? What was she wearing? What was the heavy in Islam? We have individual obligation, alright, covering yourself, etc. But how is this being used as an argument to justify harassment?

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And if you want to see the dichotomy, forget this country 500,000 women in America can rate career. Okay, the statistics of this is nowhere near.

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Okay. What exists in Muslim countries? It's not even close. Right? Meaning what what exists? Here's beyond that's exponential amounts. Right? Those numbers are mitigated in Muslim Societies. This is you can look it up all you want. My point being here, though, is why is it that women who still are covered are still harassed in Muslim Societies? This is a truth this is a fact. The problem here is not the existence of women. The problem is mitigating what behavior

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meet any social standard

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either in a slug

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and not checking true masculinity true method.

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This is something that needs to be discussed because it has everything to do with gender inequity in equitability within how we raise our children. That is why interestingly enough, I gave this exact talk in MSG, MSG. So to

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the program, we have a policy to not generally leave because it's pm time, etc. Some of the young men or women decided they want to go to the nearest gas station, okay? This is with their parents permission, the whole nine yards, everything's fine. But while some of those ladies were in a gas station, they were kept called and harassed by some men.

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This is the problem and this society

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would not happen to the average male Of course not not as not as readily done, of course. So there is an importance of safety and

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importance of protection, that our faith concerns ourselves. Yes. Yes. So if you were to tell me, you were to tell me that we in the community would set a different standard of safety of care of care. That's absolutely true. Because this is the reality, this is not a safe society, that element. But does that mean that you completely negative, the standard for how boys are treated versus girls? We should be very equitable analysis. And I'm going to tell you, from my own perspective, Alhamdulillah

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Alhamdulillah, my father had a curfew of 9pm for me, in Austin.

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Because I can tell you that if he did not have that curfew for me and my sister of the same, don't, I don't care who you are, you could be the Wizard of Oz. Sean Islamia, you're not going up after BankIn. When you feel the Minister of Islamic affairs, okay. You're not going to have an opinion, unless we know where you are and who you're with, etc. I used to hate him for it. I can tell you, I swear by Allah, that one thing saved me from so many things. Because my father didn't care. He was like, This is it, you and your sister compensated?

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Right, there was acceptance rate, of course, you know, if you're, if you're in a basketball game, we're there if you're visiting, all of these are exceptions, but the norm is 9pm. Understandable. Okay, of course, this can be different for different people. I'm not trying to get you standard. I'm just trying to give you some examples of something like this. So you guys can have an equal communication with your children, when they see in unequal standards, and this can be communicated, having a discussion with them is important, not just hellos, the Quran or the law is given and children must follow. Well, you have to have communication of why what's your rationality? What's

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their rationality? And then at the end of the day, every house has a leader

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who's not democratic approach is if

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there is a leader in the family, you you petition, and the leader should have sure right and incorporate an inclusive governance right. But at the end of the day, if there is a rule, there is a rule, sorry. This is how it is. There is no revolting and rioting. We have communication in essence. So

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and that is why

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he did not include one I have the Quran which encompasses this whole concept. And that is when the Prophet salallahu audio sedima says we must have the cannula coffee or sola he was wanting Hassan women cannot rely on young enough. Indeed, in the example of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is also a hustler. For the ones who seek ALLAH and the final day, why did not not translate what's what's on Hassan, because I will translate to you for right now. Oh, SWAT means an example in everything.

00:33:06--> 00:33:10

Code word in the Arabic language means the person has a good example in one thing,

00:33:11--> 00:33:39

right? This person is a good example. And being a teacher, this person is being a good example of being a mother, being a worker being whatever manager but a person who was the best of examples and everything is the Prophet Muhammad was awesome. And that word is what Bill Shorten has. He is an example of everything you can imagine everything. Okay? And that's why the segue here is the section where he says emotional intelligence, a tool for change.

00:33:41--> 00:33:58

He says, Why do we consider emotional intelligence to be half of the prophetic intellect? The answer lies in the word messenger. messengers of Allah are tasked with the divine responsibility of conveying that to humanity, the keys to their salvation. I will summarize it for you in one sentence.

00:34:00--> 00:34:44

The prophets example. So the lesson is application of the revelation. You want to see the revelation, you want to see what Allah guide us to just look at the life of the prophet. So I said, and the more intimately you are, you deal with the prophets of Allah Azza wa sallam and his life and learn it, the more intimately you will understand the different contexts of his guidance and how he dealt with people. More or less. He goes on to another section, emotional awareness, intrapersonal awareness or self knowledge. He says what exactly is emotional awareness? Howard Gardner divided emotional awareness into two skills of intelligence, intra and inter personal intelligence. They

00:34:44--> 00:34:59

involve the capacity to notice moods, temperaments, motivations and intentions in oneself, which is a Trump and others. If you want to know prophetic emotional intelligence, this sentence is important to you. How do you gauge

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

People, how do you how are you is your emotional awareness of the other.

00:35:06--> 00:35:34

And that's why the Zadie says the one does that does not the one that does not know themselves will never know Allah. So before you gauge others, you need to gauge yourself first, where's your temperament? Do you have awareness of somebody who you're speaking to? Can you gauge their emotive responses by simply how they're speaking to you? Or how they're speaking to you? Or what they're saying to you? Or are you reactionary constantly to what's being said, if you

00:35:36--> 00:35:44

do not have that level, then that means that your, your emotional awareness within your own self, just

00:35:47--> 00:36:03

within your own self, is weak, is weak. So a person for them to be able to understand another they have to find what is what they're lacking in themselves. And I want you to honestly ask yourself this. When somebody says something to you,

00:36:05--> 00:36:10

how do you gauge your reaction to what they say? Is it like reactionary?

00:36:11--> 00:36:15

It's a sudden thing that whatever comes to your mind comes out of your mouth, there's no filter.

00:36:17--> 00:36:18

Okay? Or

00:36:20--> 00:36:25

is it? You see, what's the reasoning behind the behavior.

00:36:28--> 00:36:33

And I'm telling you, now, the vast majority of humanity is not volume to the second category.

00:36:34--> 00:36:37

And that second category relates to something called

00:36:38--> 00:36:47

empathy, empathy, understanding what psychologists call as human projection.

00:36:48--> 00:36:52

The vast majority of us are a walking bag of emotions.

00:36:54--> 00:37:10

From many things, you have emotion from having a hard day at work, you have emotions right now from a relationship that's either going good, so you're happy all the time, or it's not going good. And that's why you, you have something built inside of you. So what that happens is,

00:37:11--> 00:37:38

it's projecting and how you deal with others, constantly, constantly. And the ones that are closest to you, sometimes they're the receiver of that projection, more than anyone else. And hence why if a person can understand that the one they're dealing with, they're projecting something constantly. So you should always ask yourself, when you're dealing with others, what's making them

00:37:39--> 00:38:08

give you this kind of response, and this kind of the behavior and emotion ask yourself that, really, before you have a reaction to what's in front of you, there's a whole probably scenario and their frustration and all kinds of things behind this individual. Now, caveat, does that excuse their behavior, of course not. That doesn't excuse anyone, it's not justifying the leader. But that element of empathy will save you from reacting to what's a parent of one

00:38:09--> 00:38:23

which is apparent superficial, you will actually be able to have a level of awareness and say, there's a reason why this person is being this way, especially if they're normally not like that. Or especially because you don't know that this was a random, you know, like,

00:38:24--> 00:38:25


00:38:26--> 00:38:47

This is the height of emotional awareness across the walls, the lies, the height, he understood Salah Hadiya syndrome, that the person in front of you is a body, the body that has a soul, and your job and my job is to understand the soul not react to the body.

00:38:49--> 00:39:33

And the one who has this awareness more and more, they're going to have successful relationships, and the one that lacks this level of awareness, you're gonna have a lot of heartache and headache and emotional pain, because they're constantly responding. Rather than understanding simply asking one thing, why? Why the reason of aloha is have exemplified the so many times I saw the Alana that's all angry, she broke a dish in the house, food when flying, he told you the story before and if I haven't told you the whole story later, but just remember this food would fly. The Prophet sold it for them. When did he pick it up? And then he asked later, in the right time and place when her

00:39:33--> 00:39:37

emotion has settled a little bit. I shall Why did you do this? Why

00:39:39--> 00:39:47

not stop the law kind of woman or you don't have to have control of your emotions. You've done all of these things. Now you said ask her why. And I shall have you one has said

00:39:48--> 00:39:54

How dare another wife of the prophets I said I'ma bring addition to my house.

00:39:55--> 00:39:59

Meaning Am I not good enough to cook or you know this kind of an in depth

00:40:00--> 00:40:10

My wife in the province will probably even attend that. But this is her heart. She it's her right. And the prophets licenses Yeah. Sent a word to her. So please don't do that again.

00:40:11--> 00:40:23

Look at the, the prophet has been reacting to the to the action. He asked her why that level of emotional awareness comes from first knowing your own level.

00:40:24--> 00:40:56

Where's your level of emotion? Where's within your own self? Why do you do the way the things that you do? And this is a very difficult discussion. It's a very painful discussion. Many of us, okay, human beings, we are products of our upbringing. We are products of our upbringing. And we may have faced much of the trauma that dictates our personality, our emotions as adults

00:40:58--> 00:41:15

who sent this one of the greatest men in ISNA American football the line, you know what he said, he says, The harshness that you see from me, is due to the harshness of my father, when he used to beat me as a child.

00:41:17--> 00:41:37

Along with his father was very harsh, he would come home from from, from hurting his camels, and he would be hit. Or he would be very short, like he would be very harsh, harsh hearted towards him, that affected Ahmad for Life for life, until towards the end of his life on Earth, the Lord actually softened up

00:41:38--> 00:41:40

Ramadan, the one who softened up towards the end of his life,

00:41:41--> 00:41:48

right about the allotted time. So this teaches us something. This teaches us something. And that is

00:41:50--> 00:42:10

our collective upbringing has a direct relationship with how we as we become as adults, and I'm going to tell you something, this is a very difficult subject for a person to think to themselves. What are some of those things that have influenced me?

00:42:11--> 00:42:41

Right? What are some of those lack of love may be shown by a father or mother, an overbearing parent, a person that essentially almost treated like a role model, the Allied smiling, maybe they can also be even worse. I'm talking about normative things I'm talking about with it. That could be also worth like, for example, violence, domestic violence, which causes a person to have a lack of self esteem. When when a parent

00:42:42--> 00:42:46

shames the child, they lose confidence in themselves.

00:42:47--> 00:43:15

So there's always there's there's actually an underlying level of lack of self worth that we just dedicated of today's Autobahn because of that, why they're constantly being compared to someone else. Why aren't you like Mohamed Abdi and Mahadevi? Influenza, right? Why don't you like that person? Don't you know that they can do great they also play basketball. They also play soccer. They also play football, but you You're an idiot.

00:43:16--> 00:43:32

Maybe not a calling, but like, what are you done? Comparing or why should like so and so's daughter? Look at her. And worse when they get older? Why aren't you married? Like someone? So? I wouldn't be like starting what do you like the matchmaking Auntie that finds random people.

00:43:34--> 00:44:06

So I want y'all to understand there's a very good book by adware called shame culture, or shaming something, shaping culture, which talks about how this mentally affects children, that emotionally disables them from actually having self worth. So a lot of what happens with with young men when they get older, they have a syndrome and as young young women as well, that syndrome is they feel like they have something to prove to the world.

00:44:07--> 00:44:39

They feel like they have something to prove to the world. So everything that that you see about them is about proving to the world that I made it, I am worth it, I am worthy. So they either seek the world's what acknowledgement, seek the world's attention, for the jobs and careers that they have for the homes or the cars that they buy, for the lifestyle that they live in. And social media exacerbates that problem even more so. So I want you to understand

00:44:40--> 00:44:48

the point of that whole segment here is that how much of my upbringing has influenced me in who I am today.

00:44:50--> 00:44:57

And that is what they do. In essence, a lot of therapists do by the way. You come to a therapist and

00:44:58--> 00:45:00

speak about some

00:45:00--> 00:45:06

One issue that you have usually what the relationship, you know what they will do, they will not even focus on the relationship, they'll focus on you first.

00:45:08--> 00:45:12

Okay, so this is, by the way as a collective therapy session $150 a person just,

00:45:13--> 00:45:49

I'm just joking, put it in the syllabus. But the point being is, we must have these discussions with ourselves, because people will spend decades without this intra emotional awareness decades. And they are the way they are, they don't change because these things require a large amount of self awareness to sit down and ask step back and look at yourself from the outside. What is it that's causing me to be like this. And I'll give you one quick example. Before we end in Shaolin give some time for q&a that we didn't last time.

00:45:50--> 00:46:01

There was a young man, a young man who had a serious problem with his wife visiting her parents.

00:46:04--> 00:46:17

And she would be like, what's the problem? He's like, Yeah, I'm the husband, and somewhere in our corner, you know, kind of thing, right? I have an I get to say, like, you know, this kind of behavior. So they finally got to the point where they actually went to

00:46:18--> 00:46:43

actually went to a therapist, and you don't want the therapist does, doesn't she? He or she does not focus on the, the wording, or why is the what's being said, okay, and why they're having a conflict. She focuses on understanding what's the underlying fear? That's making that man say that.

00:46:45--> 00:47:12

Okay. And asking very simple communication, but belligerency and being like, I don't want to talk about this is what causes a lot of people to actually build a wall stonewalling. We talked about lesson. So what happens is they add that to the conversation, the therapist finds out that this man actually had an extremely bad experience with his parents,

00:47:14--> 00:47:19

when they were too attached to enlace and he's afraid

00:47:21--> 00:47:26

that his wife will fall into the same problem as his upbringing.

00:47:28--> 00:47:57

So that fear is actually what's driving this action. Not that he cared, but he's like, I don't want my wife to fall into the same things that I felt or sausages me witnessed with my parents. Do you understand? There's underlying fears that there's underlying emotions and there's underlying experiences that have made us who we are. And that is why there's a very good website okay, very very good website. I believe it's toxic traits.

00:47:58--> 00:48:01

I believe it's toxic traits can somebody checked out from the toxic

00:48:03--> 00:48:06

Hey, girls can you stop

00:48:08--> 00:48:09

toxic traits

00:48:11--> 00:48:12

let's see. Oh.

00:48:14--> 00:48:16

Is anyone checking this over by doing myself

00:48:17--> 00:48:18

things I'm doing with toxic

00:48:20--> 00:48:20


00:48:22--> 00:48:22

What is it

00:48:24--> 00:48:24

I'll find it

00:48:34--> 00:48:35

toxic Well,

00:48:36--> 00:48:37

no, no.

00:48:39--> 00:48:39

One second.

00:48:43--> 00:48:45

You have to get this washed out. I'm not leaving until you get this

00:48:55--> 00:48:57

it's not toxic traits. It's something else

00:49:02--> 00:49:03

truly, no.

00:49:13--> 00:49:13

Not sure

00:49:18--> 00:49:19

No, no. No.

00:49:22--> 00:49:26

Toxic ties. Toxic

00:49:27--> 00:49:40

Excellent. Toxic Okay, thank you. Go to this website and read the articles. And I don't want you to read the articles because some of the articles are 20 ultimate signs of a toxic mother in law and what to do about it.

00:49:41--> 00:49:53

This is one of the articles. I want you all to read these articles and find and look at it from the lens. How many of these characteristics do I have?

00:49:55--> 00:49:56

Do I have

00:49:58--> 00:49:59

and why?

00:50:00--> 00:50:02

Okay, so you have

00:50:03--> 00:50:09

so many of these, these discussions narcissism, okay, feeling worthless and why

00:50:12--> 00:50:18

some of those don't apply to us like 10 types of toxic online daters, but Hamdulillah, Islam solid first

00:50:20--> 00:50:24

10 things that you do that are killing your relationship, malignancy?

00:50:27--> 00:50:33

And so on and so forth? Well, here's one very good one, why there's triggers to your childhood trauma.

00:50:35--> 00:50:38

Okay, so in any in any case, these

00:50:40--> 00:50:52

are important for us to highlight intrapersonal emotional social works, what is it that's causing you the way you react, and your personality and your ego, please

00:50:53--> 00:51:12

try to get this book Inshallah, which is with the heart in mind by Sheikh Al Smith. It's a very, very beautiful book, we're going to continue to cover sections of it, we're already on page 55. And again, like I said, you can buy it online from Columbia Institute, website directly, or you can get it from the Kindle version, etc.

00:51:13--> 00:51:23

And also, like you said, this website, toxic And again, I'm gonna, I'm going to tell you one more time, do not go on this website, trying to find problems and other people

00:51:24--> 00:51:26

look at the website first

00:51:27--> 00:51:39

within it, and then you will see how to deal with others who have these kinds of behaviors as well. May Allah subhanaw taala allow us to rectify ourselves first, to find our

00:51:41--> 00:52:03

internal emotional awareness. Before we try to understand others, which inshallah we'll focus on in the next two or three sessions to finish this book. Because again, I'm not here to give you a sentence by sentence explanation, you have 100 rationality to do to do so. And Inshallah, it is incredibly important for us to have these discussions because

00:52:05--> 00:52:07

the Muslim community needs collective therapy.

00:52:09--> 00:52:42

The Muslim community needs collective therapy, we are going to invite a therapist in one of these Fridays, and they will, we will do a panel session, or most often when we're done with doing this book. Okay, so most of therapists, inshallah will be joining us. And then hopefully, we'll have an event either on a Saturday. So it can be longer, and we're easier for you all to attend. Inshallah, Jen, and may Allah bless you all, and except from all of us, if you have any questions we have about a couple of minutes to show up for q&a. And you have questions.

00:52:47--> 00:52:48


00:52:49--> 00:52:51

I'm testing? Yes. This one.

00:52:59--> 00:53:00

You mentioned? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

00:53:02--> 00:53:12

Last week, you had mentioned engaging people directly and like don't leave things who you do people engaging people doing? Things really

00:53:15--> 00:53:16

in a meaningful way.

00:53:20--> 00:54:03

This is the question was last week we mentioned engaging people in a meaningful way. Do we have suggestions of how to do that? Honestly, this is a very loaded question. Because it's based on covered like, scenario. There's some people that are belligerent, they don't actually they don't make themselves emotionally available to have a communication with, right, this is a long process of getting them to do so. And by the way, those are the early causes for therapy, if a person becomes emotionally unavailable for person becomes like block, stonewalling, like we mentioned, right? And they're not even engaging in communication. This is a cause for therapy. Because it requires

00:54:03--> 00:54:05

dedicated sessions for them to

00:54:06--> 00:54:36

basically break down the wall. But if a person is engaging in communication, but they're not necessarily being very clear, remember that I statements and engaging them to do so is important, because what happens is a lot of communication is predicated on an assumption. And a lot of it maybe is predicated on that feeling a certain way. But they're not sharing that very directly. So having that beautiful conversation by first of all, telling them that I'm here to understand

00:54:37--> 00:54:38


00:54:39--> 00:54:59

just that acknowledgement. Now, I'm not here to indict. I'm here to understand. I really want to know why. And what would help me in telling them what would help you is to tell me what you feel, why you feel this way, and to tell me what you want me to do.

00:55:00--> 00:55:13

Talk about how you feel. So what am I doing? It's actually, it's a very courageous thing, which is to disarm yourself from your own emotions, to just hear the other person.

00:55:14--> 00:55:51

And if this isn't working, then it needs it needs, it needs something much deeper. Exactly. Okay. And if they're not doing that, which is, which can be the case, some people just belligerent, right. And that's why I want to just share one thing, my brother's you're here today, if you find yourself doing this, you're in a failed relationship, that's somebody might be just stay in because of, because of the fact that you've been married for a very long time, etc. So we, as men must accept that there's often times we do not accept

00:55:52--> 00:56:20

sharing our and our communication with our emotions, why. And also, we may become upset at a woman who's not engaging with us the way we like, but completely dismissing their feelings. So in essence, what needs to happen is to genuinely ask you that, why is it that you feel this way? And to hear and listen? And, and it's often times

00:56:21--> 00:56:24

women and men just want to be acknowledged?

00:56:26--> 00:56:37

It's not even about the solution. It's about did you acknowledge the feeling that I have? Right, and that might take some time? Because we're more worried about the way it's being said than what's being said.

00:56:38--> 00:56:47

Okay, so this will this is an aspect of interpersonal emotional awareness, which we're going to talk about Inshallah, next week.

00:56:49--> 00:57:05

And by the way, it goes back the other way, when it comes to women, oftentimes having assumptions of men or women expecting a man to do something. Well, you should do this anyway, is how it should be.

00:57:07--> 00:57:25

Right? Maybe the guy is unaware. Men don't understand women by osmosis. Right? They need to have communication. And this is what unfortunately, a large percentage of our Muslim women in the community don't understand. Well, he should know why should you know was there like a rulebook?

00:57:26--> 00:58:02

Really was it was something we didn't know. Yes, there are certain things that that men should know by faculty of formality by faculty of this is like common sense. But give people a break, let them grow, let them grow and help them grow. And that's why men help women in their personal development and growth. And women help men and their personal development and growth over these kinds of things. And that's what expectations should be of how we can help one another do so. These are lofty ideals come to practice this

00:58:03--> 00:58:21

common practice this takes a lot it takes a long time. And it's okay if you're struggling because that means you're human being that means you're human being the Sahaba some of them went through like five six divorces you think was because that you know, mashallah they said looked at each other one thing he said, honey, Allah bless you, but we need to get divorced.

00:58:23--> 00:58:46

Of course, they're human beings. They agree their personalities don't match they have a compatibility maybe a person's personal growth in their development wasn't up to par or how they treated another individual there is room for that interfaith right. So I hope that answers inshallah we will end here may Allah subhanaw taala bless you, oh f will have suffered a lot from South

00:58:47--> 00:58:51

Africa and what happened to Bonita division of labor. I still

00:58:52--> 00:59:12

today, may Allah bless and our relationships and flourish are allow us to our dealings to flourish each other with each other and also that arena to rectify what's between ourselves, but there's not going to learn how to do that and we'll see you all inshallah Tada. Next Friday, local coffee.

00:59:13--> 00:59:15

Sorry, not like