Interview with my son, Nurain Takuma
Channel: Maryam Lemu
File Size: 64.61MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Hello, everybody. hope you're all doing well. Oprah My dad is going. It's going well, yeah.
Well, today I'll be inviting. I'll be interviewing you look.
Really, it's Ramadan. It's like all official. Looks change. They kind of kind of changed. slightly change anyway. I'll be interviewing my mom today. Insha Allah says m Li mu requested to join your live video.
She shouldn't be here.
There we go.
How are you doing today?
Good. And you know, how is always Nigeria? Nigeria is good. I know you're gonna be breaking your pots in about 20 minutes or so. Right?
really prepared for that?
Mina Mina is very hot. Nikita is fantastic. As usual, I take good care of him, as you know.
And you said the Ramadan is good, right?
It's very peaceful, very hot. But I feel the struggle makes it even richer and more meaningful.
We have 86 people is enough. Can we? Wait a bit long? Sure. Why not? We can raise you to be very punctual. So let's get going.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my mother, Maryam limoux his influence to almost Well, a large number of women. She goes around preaching, Islam, you know,
getting your life together, basically marriage and building or raising great kids and so on. And I mean, yeah, that's that's how I like to put it. But for those that do not know who you are, do you mind introducing who you are? Marie? Yes.
In fact, this whole thing is weird. I can't tell you are being interviewed by my son anyway. Alhamdulillah. Thank you very much for having me on your show that talk with no rain. It's a pleasure. It's an honor.
Let me see who am I introduce myself? I am. Well, I I won't go into my age because you know, my my real age, right?
Hello there my son.
I'm 26 going on 49.
But, yes, Alhamdulillah I am someone who is living my best life. As far as I see it. I am designing a life that hopefully is purposeful, it's meaningful. I want to be an inspiration to others. I have been blessed to have been surrounded by role models, who have shared everything good they have to offer with me. So my mission in life is to die empty to offload everything I have learned from others, the most amazing people that I've been blessed to have and also the things that I have learned along the way the stuff I've gathered to also share that mix them together created a lot of values and principles that have helped me go have brought me to where I am in life today. I want to
die empty sharing what I've learned so my last name label, I've turned it into an acronym that is L for learn. So I want to learn everything I can he for enlightened
me for motivate and view for uplift. So that is my mission in life to learn as much as I can to share with others and to help strengthen relationships and help them live their best life. Yes, you've introduced the fact that I'm into marriage, giving premarital and marriage talks and into helping people find their purpose and direction in life and how to also learn to live and die empty. I think that is kind of like a summary of a long journey. live and die empty. By empty you mean
your go to your grave leaving behind like an influence on people out here. Sorry, I lost you there.
Through and I don't know how else to block it but yes, go on. You said that your you wanted to live and die empty?
Yes. What do you mean by
okay? In other words, everything I have learned I want to jump in and share with others before I die. So I want to die having shared everything I've gained and benefited. So live my life to the fullest, learn as much as I can and then pass it on to the next generation, that's my brain
and you will successfully do that. inshallah.
can you tell us about your family and your upbringing?
The most? Yeah, I had the most amazing childhood, I was born to the most wonderful parents, who allowed my brother and I to explore to learn, and discover our strengths and use it for a purpose greater than us. Our childhood was amazing. We didn't have TV, I mean, we had but we weren't allowed to really watch. And we were so busy having fun, we didn't sit in front of that box, just, I think wasting our lives. We explored my brother and my two brothers. That's my own biological brother and my half brother, also biological, of course. But to be Allah have mercy on him, he has passed, we three of us were like The Three Musketeers. And we used to go exploring. We used to follow hunters
into the woods to go and catch antelope, rabid birds. And I will tell you, the equivalent to what you would consider a ps4 or PS five video game to us with some of the rights or to while we were eating and finding an anthill, and then going to the edge of that hill and dropping the food by the mouth of their nest. And just sitting there watching and patiently watching.
While we wait for these ants to come out, all this food, and then they run back, they tell the other ants, and then they all come out marching. And then you see like three or four or five ants lift up a grain of rice and march back into the nest with it. And it was so super exciting. Because we would like oh, no, yeah, no, no, no, no.
It was so much fun. But we had a wonderful childhood experience. We used to go swimming, we traveled a lot with our parents, my mother, our mum took us on a lot of trips, just joy rights. And she drives so she would drive as far as Kendall can do not even young carry Game Reserve. And I learned from her how to drive. So I started learning at age 12 how to drive and I became an independent driver fully by age 15. And it's just been an adventure, my mum would throw me on a plane and send me off to see her sister in the UK when I was around 15 years old. So it was fantastic. I had the most amazing, ridiculous childhood full of drama, adventure fun, we would sing and dance in the
kitchen with grandma. And my father would join us and it was it was beautiful and humbling.
You know, I find it funny how back then, you know, it's like you'd spend so much time outside and your parents would pay you back. But now, like our generation, we spend so much time indoors and our parents to get some sunlight. So, you know, I find it funny, you know, like how to
play has taken over change, change. It just took over.
You guys like everyone? Yeah, I remember when? When do you and your brother were kids. I remember when it's raining. I would let you guys go out and play in the rain. And some people were like, how can you do that in your underwear. And they're like, they'll catch pneumonia. I was like they won't catch pneumonia. And you guys would be rolling in the mud. You'd be having so much fun and I allowed you guys to play in the sand and you know really enjoy your youth. It's just somehow you guys grew up and technology got into your life. But it was also I think we did get an opportunity your dad at night to allow you guys because I have a video of you, your dad and your brother in the rain. All of
you just wearing shorts.
And having fun. Yes. Don't worry, I won't share that video with them. But I just might
be careful with me.
All right. So thank you so much for sharing that. Now, the third question I was gonna ask is, what did you study?
Oh, I often tell people, I went to the school of life. I graduated from high school in FGC Mina. And then I got married at 18 and moved to the US where Baba was, and then I did not want to go to university, I just was not, I just felt I wasn't cut out for structure. I prefer to learn things that I felt were relevant to my life. And going through the Nigerian education system where it's more crime and vomits just to pass exams. I hated that, because I didn't think it was relevant to what I really wanted to do. And even though at that age, I still not discovered what my true calling was, I just knew I wasn't cut out for couldn't get conventional school. And I didn't want to be a
doctor or lawyer or any of those normal professions. And then I went and attended a conference by Oprah Winfrey one day, I was about 25 years old. And it was called the lifestyle makeover conference. It was amazing. And my friend and I Teresa went and watched it, and I just like, this is what I want to do. I learned about, you know, the, the possibilities that we have are endless. And we won't know our potential unless we push ourselves. So of course, Oprah love to read books, and I, I see her as someone who's an inspiration. So I started to listen to I'm Elisa reader, but I love to listen to books. So I was listening to a lot of audiobooks.
I became hungry to learn, I was taking a ton of online courses.
At that time, YouTube wasn't yet off the ground on as popular as it is today. So but I would go to Open Universities and attend two week courses. I didn't want the course longer than one month. So I would take my two week. Yeah, two week courses.
on topics. Yeah, two week courses on topics I was interested or passionate about. And so my education is like a melting pot of stuff I have gathered from books, from correspondence courses, from online courses, from Open Universities, and from life learning. At the age of 20, I was a manager to about 320 people, Avon representatives. So imagine getting 20 imagine getting such an opportunity to be able to lead a group and the training that's involved and the life experience that I gathered from it. So I think that was the best education I could possibly get through because I had to learn about sales and marketing, and sales and public speaking. And up until that point, I
could not speak in front of three people.
But I had to learn. And that is also one of those things that I got to know my weaknesses, but I was on a mission to conquer them. So it may be you know, I need to work on these areas if I want to be my best. So I think that's kind of like how my education is it was a jollof of all sorts of ingredients put together to what I know today.
Thank you so much for sharing that. So it's just
it's just a combination of different things from different sources. You're not just dependent on me, we're just like an ocean. Yeah, you just go.
Yeah, I know. That's something that you'd be like you wish, you know, it's like get knowledge from this is possible than the ones that you don't want you can, you know, I brush it aside. And then you can focus on that.
The next question I'd like to ask is, what did you What did you learn the most about in your career? Or your studies? What did you learn most about?
Okay, um, very interesting question. I think the biggest thing I learned is that knowledge is useless. If you don't apply it, that whatever you learn, if you don't practice it, I mean, so that's why my mission is to focus on relevant knowledge, applicable knowledge that can be useful to myself, and that will benefit others. So yeah, the best thing I learned is, from all my sources of education, there are things I learned, I don't remember because I didn't apply it. So when there are people who have PhDs, and yet, they don't really have much to offer.
Input has to produce the right output. And the best thing I've learned from my education is apply it. Make sure it's useful. either call you
Call for others, but make sure you can practically the knowledge. I think that's what I've learned more than anything. So it's like, it's like you're rephrasing that famous saying, which is knowledge is power, you know, what you're saying is knowledge is our only when it's applied or only when it's being executed. It's not like you're just
not sharing any reason. It's useless.
Like I said, I want to die empty. And why I say I die empty is because I want to keep what I know. And if I give what I know, and you're not really gaining from it, and it's useless, so I need to be able to give it in a way that you will accept it, embrace it and apply it as well.
Thank you so much for sharing that. Now. The next question I'd like to ask is, what makes you happy?
A lot of things make me happy. Oh, my God, I live to be happy.
Funny question, when I first got married, your father said to me, Maria, you're very selfish, because you only focus on making yourself happy. And that was like the first time someone had ever said that to me. So again, from that workshop, that I or that conference that I attended, and starting to read more about what really is the source of true happiness, I learned through acts of service makes you really, really happy. So I was on a mission before to do things that I just enjoy, not just because it felt good for me, but not because it was benefiting. But when I started really getting peace of mind, and happiness and contentment was when I started helping, and uplifting
others and sharing my wisdom and the little wisdom I have and the knowledge I've gathered. So that for me is what makes me happy. In addition, I'm trying to when I see the things that we as parents have shared with our children are coming to life and are bearing fruit, and are flourishing better than even how we thought it would come out. That also makes me extremely happy. What gives me a lot of joy is watching a beautiful sunset and I learned this from your grandma,
sitting in the garden, listening to the birds,
feeling the breeze, feeling the all of Allah's creation and his presence, that makes me happy. I can hang around with my friends, just chatting, makes me happy. So many things make me happy, I find happiness everywhere.
That makes me happy.
come from a
single source of just many places.
Thank you so much for sharing that. Now the next question I would like to ask is, do you have any mentors?
Yes, I would say my, my I would say my biggest role model greatest influencer. I didn't realize at the time was my mum.
Because she is gone. But she still lives on, due to the things she has taught me. So I still think about her life and things she has done. And that still is an inspiration because it's an example for me. And I know she always wanted me to be better and be great, greater than she was. And she was very simple, very humble. And I love that humility in her. I also learned to fight. I think that was one of the biggest things he taught me independence. He taught me to stand on my two feet and do things not to repeat reliance not to wait for others to do for me to just go and get it if you want it Go Go for it. Just don't hurt people along the way. Always be kind always treat to treat people
with dignity. So that I know I learned from her. And then God consciousness, I think, in a simple way. She was such an inspiration in making Islam simple. Not so big. And you know, I there's so many things but I think Yeah, she's my biggest mentor. Then I mentioned Oprah earlier. I she's not a role model for me, but I love what she does because she inspires she motivates she shares her knowledge. She gathers people who know so much in their field to inspire others so that for me, I think is an inspiration. But I would say my number one is my mum. Now I know my friend will
say to me if you ask my friends. My name is Esther audio. Who is my mentor right now Funny enough, you've become one of my biggest mentors, because I'm just so inspired by what you're doing and how much energy you have, which is far more than I ever had, and how you started much younger. And so I just can't imagine what the next 510 years will look like for you. But some please keep on on that path and the Annapolis Baraka in it. And people get inspired by what you're doing, because I know how you started as this nerdy, awkward, shy introvert, and constantly awkward. We don't want to be in front of people. I remember a salad party, we always have salad parties
at grandma's house, and all my father's grandchildren would come together and you would disappear. And they'd be like 20, cousins, playing, having fun, and you'd be hiding in a room somewhere because you didn't want to be in the midst of people. The end of the day, around 1011 o'clock. We're going home at night. That's when you come out
into the car.
Yes. And there you out today. It's like you're interviewing people. I watched you interview with Elon. Last week. It was really nice. So Alhamdulillah Allah bless what you're doing.
And you so much. Now the next question is what does love mean to you?
Love has so many interpretations.
My number one love is my husband,
your dad. And so I can say he has taught me what love means. Because he loves for me stability. Love for me is loyalty. Love for me is uplifting, because he's always been my backbone, my support structure. Love for me is holding my hand and giving me a shoulder to cry on when I'm weak. Love for me is truly understanding me. I remember, there was a day I was in the kitchen. Grandma had passed away. And your brother was in came to the kitchen.
No, sorry. I came and met your brother in the kitchen. He was cleaning up the counter. And I just I love seeing that. But I didn't realize that I hadn't really grieved the passing of my mom. So just seeing him do that act of kindness. You know, he's just cleaning up. Nobody sent him. I just started crying. And your brother was like, What? What did I do? What do you guys think? And he was like so confused. And then he ran to get your dad by the kitchen. I went on your father's bed. He wasn't in the room at the time. I just collapsed crying, crying a deep belly cry. So the two of them came and immediately your dad sat on the bed and he was rubbing my back. He was saying go ahead Merriam Let
it out, let it out. And there was saline just looking like what's going on what's happening. But that thing that your father has of truly understanding reading me and my spoken and unspoken language that is love and understanding what I need at that moment. And I think that I get also from some good friends of mine. So love for me is that loyalty steady, consistent loyalty, and sincerity, honesty, openness, transparency, and you know, always being there and giving me good advice. If I step out of line your father will he will call me to order you know your dad, he's a little slick killer, as loving as me because he has, he doesn't tolerate crap from nobody. So he doesn't think
rubbish for me either. And there are times I give him rubbish and he just makes sure he picks me back into my career.
That is love. And then love is you guys, you know because like you call every single day just to check in and see how we're doing. Love is your brother sending an emoji just to remind me he knows that. I know that I'm on his mind. He says my mom loves that every day my children think about us and they believe they pray for us. That is love for me. Linda.
Thank you so much for sharing that. Alright, um, the next question I was going to ask is, what are your hobbies?
My hobbies I got so many things I love doing. I love crafts. I know anything that allows me to express what's in me.
I love I love taking old furniture and
fact, when I go for my morning walks, there's this place called pontica, which is a junkyard where people just take old furniture and sell it off. So what I love to do is I sculpt them. And then I send somebody to go and buy the ones I really, really like. And the kind of thing I'd love to do is to then get fabric and transform it into something new, way better than the way it was created from its original design. So that kind of thing is something I'm passionate about
I think it's not a hobby, but I love so much. It's just sitting with your dad in the garden, and just watching the sunset. And I would say it brings me so much pleasure that that is a hobby.
And then yeah, like right now I'm copying you. I'm writing a book, my first official book, trying to walk in your footsteps.
You are like three books ahead of me.
yet to be published, but the point is, you've written them right. So I'm writing a premarital book right now. So I'm finding I'm very passionate about that and pouring my heart and soul and the best I've learned into it so that I would say I can't think of any others but I just love enjoy. I love cooking. I love inventing fishes and experimenting you know that.
That's a hobby. And I love I love throwing parties surprise parties without wow factor, you know, doing things that
are unusual. Yes.
You're very you're well known, but
you know, you
you love one of your main hobbies is spending quality time with your husband, which is
amazing, you know, quality time is something you know, that people overlook nowadays is like, you never know when when will be your last day with that person. So it's like try try to cherish every second you have with them. So that's a valuable lesson right there. You know, it's like, I think I think that should be considered as more than a hobby.
Somebody just wrote that you love hugging too. And that is so true.
Hugging, and COVID has mixed up my swag for hugging.
hugging you. I'm thinking I might vote to catch my death.
But I love hugging. Whoever said that they know me. Yes. I understand you're here. Thank you so much for sharing them. Now the next question is, what does success mean to you?
Ah, that's a tough one. I think
there is a quote that I love that says your success as a leader is assessed by what happens when you're not around.
So I guess in a way, I am somewhat of a leader and influencer. And if what I have shared, and I've taught people, it's been applied, and it's taking a life of its own, then I guess that I can describe a successful because
my goal is to share and hopefully, what I have learned people can apply and then take it to another level let it evolve into something greater than what they were given. So success, I think is determined by what you do, and if it leaves if it outlives you. So yes, you may have left this temporary abode. But the life of what you have done continues to live on even though you are not there. Because like your grandmother, let me give you an example of success. Like my, my mum, she planted a lot of trees, she taught me how to do gardening and how to understand which plants so it was how to get the symmetry in colors in a garden, and to create water fountains and waterfalls and
stuff like that. So
I think now that she's gone, each time I walk on the compound, everything I watched her plant, she still lives on, because I am in my office and I hear the birds chirping outside and I look out and I see they're in the shade of a tree she planted and I feel her presence and what she planted is still a beneficial it's beneficial to others, even though she's not there, but I know the reward is going up to her insha Allah so for me, I think it's just what happens after you're gone is your true measure of success. So in other words, your legacy then that's that's
From your legacy.
Now the next question is, what is your favorite Quranic verse or your favorite, your favorite ad of the Prophet is your point.
My favorite Quranic verse is
the story of you so.
So Rachel, you so I think, because of how it teaches us about perseverance during difficult times, that people close to you can hurt you. But it's probability here. So no, my father always said that return evil with goods. And that's a you know, a Boston circle facilites, where unless they return evil with that, which is good. And he, between you and him, there was animosity will become as good friends. So I see the story of cu. So, as a personification of the kind, even when you people are hurting you, of course, don't suffer. I'm not saying that. I mean, perfect use of suffered a lot. And I'm not saying people should suffer so much still, they are broken, but just how inspiring it is
to see that act of kindness, the act of forgiveness, you know, forgiving. And, yeah, for me, I love spiritual use. When it comes to my favorite ID. I always say this one, it's the one of where the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said, if you put your full trust in Allah, as you are, he most certainly will satisfy your needs. As he satisfied those of the birds, they come out hungry in the morning and return satisfied to their nests. For me, that's a gift just reminds me to be optimistic, but not to be lazy bum like the birds go out. They don't sit in the annex and say, yeah, send me one word worm seeds from the sky.
You know, they work hard. And I think for all of us, it's a lesson for us to work hard to get off our lazy butts and go and do something useful and Allah will reward us with the fruits of our labor. Insha Allah. So those are my two favorites. Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that. Now. The next question is how do you build a solid relationship with God?
Oh, well, I know for me, that's a beautiful question because growing up I didn't feel the connection with Allah. My Islamia manners was so horrible. May Allah forgive them. They
they beat us. Islam was forced down our throats with hula and harshness, they were not friendly. They didn't represent the beauty of Islam and how they acted. I remember when Islamia Milan used to send my brothers and I to go and bring stuff from my mother's pantry from a store. Today, he would say you go and bring me sugar tomorrow, another one Go and bring me milk. This one rice. I know it was terrible. So my memories growing up of Islamia was not very pleasant. And I think because of people's expectations that I am so and so's daughter. They thought I was meant to be an angel. And I was so far from that. So I rebelled. And you know, the thought I should be looking a certain way
dressing a certain way talking a certain way. And because I was a hothead, a teenager, I did the opposite of what they wanted just to rebel even more. So it wasn't till my mid 20s that I started to feel something was missing. And then I started to get hungry, too, and curious to fill in that void. And then I called your uncle Uncle Maru. And he shared with me that you know, Allah is very forgiving, very merciful, because I even stopped praying. And he now said that Allah knows what I've been going through and it's very merciful. And I should just start one by one. And inshallah, each step I take towards Allah, Allah will come running towards me. So I realized like, okay, Islam is
not as burning oil kind of thing.
Yeah. And then I thought also about your grandma, because she was not a Muslim, she embraced Islam. And I started asking her as well, what was so convincing about this religion that made you believe? How can you know this is the true the one true God? And you know, and how do you know this book is authentic? And I remember she said, her cute, she explored many religions
until she found the one that made sense to her reason. And she said, when she read the book, she was given the book by a stranger, who just said, here's this book in a bus. Yes, this Malaysian guy just handed it to her. And she started reading it and she said, she found it so interesting that
received in less than
I'm sorry, we got cut off, I got a phone call. If there was no microscope, no telescope, no technology that is used to explore today, scientifically prove certain things carbon date stuff that if we were able to have
in this book, when technology didn't say technology we know today didn't exist then.
unmetered man, know what is happening in orbit and the bottom of the deep blue sea? And how could he know what's happening in the womb of a woman? When scientifically you know how the embryo develops? And all those details? How could an uneducated man know all this stuff? How could it come from him? How could he know things from history that there was no documentation of, and things yet to happen? that have happened that we can see today? You know, it's not she just thought like, this has to be the book. This has to be the Word of God. And there is no middleman between you and Allah. I really love that part, which convinced me to start connecting, but I don't need a Muslim to talk to Allah.
I don't need somebody to take money from me to connect with my maker. But I can just pray and unless I didn't go and follow me and I will answer. And so I started and then gradually, he started just to feel my emptiness. And I started to feel his presence. And I feel my relationship with Allah is mine alone, like people not judge me with many Jew, I'm not dressing Muslim enough, or whatever. It's like, that's my journey. You don't know where I came from. Once upon a time, I wasn't wearing hijab, I was wearing short skirts. And today, I'm clicking on the layers one by one, and it has to come from my heart. I'm not doing it for sure. I'm doing it because it feels right if I'm at that stage,
so I continue to pray for guidance. I continue to pray for forgiveness, and inshallah we all pray that we are the Serato mistaking
inshallah, thank you very much. I have lost your audio. I don't know why I cannot hear you at all.
We lost your audio completely when that phone call came through just now. I lost Oh, come on audio. And I'm not sure.
I'll call me up and started. I should exit and join you again. I will step out and join you again. Okay.
I guess we'll just be waiting for
hope everyone is enjoying this interview. If you have any questions, you know, just feel free to
write it down. Okay, you guys can hear me. But she can't
you have any questions, just feel free to write it down in the
chat in the comments in the comment section. Right.
Yes, I can.
A great family.
there's no formula.
But what I advise parents in particular or anybody getting married, first of all to do is to be intentional, to be deliberate. Don't just get married because there's so much pressure or you think you're not getting any younger. Get married because you already You are the right person. you've developed yourself. You have self confidence and you know your worth.
Once you get married, then make sure during the courtship as well sorry that you have plans together that the person you want to marry you share goals on how you see your family life becoming those are so important to do before you get married. But the plans never stop. You have to be very conscious, very calculating in everything even when we are going to have children. Like you know, your brother didn't come until our seventh year of marriage Alhamdulillah but it was planned like your
Are you with me?
I wish I could disconnect
from your tummy
You're still hot, you still haven't gotten the
chance, he said he has not yet finished dealing with his own baggage. Like he doesn't want to bring a child into this world who is not gonna feel love, who is not going to have the presence of both to raise and dissent that we made
But in our third year of marriage, I still wasn't ready. And it wasn't
that we both agreed that we're ready to be
a seventh year, three years later.
Thank you so much for sharing that as well. Now, the next question is, this is the
second I think back for more questions after this, and then we'll answering the questions that the people are the audience is asking, how do you know if someone is the one
that say best advice, make sure you are the one?
Yeah, sorry. To hear you.
Oh, okay. So
I will have to get out and come back.
Okay. Can you hear me now? Yes. Okay, perfect. I pray I get no more phone calls since we're almost done. So just quickly, with regard to your question, how will you know, you are the one. First, you have to be in order, you have to make sure you are the witness? Well, you're looking for Mr. Right or miss right? You better be right. That's the first thing.
You are, you know, you you know, the one when you dotted all your i's and cross all your T's. You need to investigate the person thoroughly. Find out about their background, how they relate with people, are they kind to people? How do they talk to others, not just you, if they talk badly to others up next. Everybody's on their best behavior during courtship. So if you see them not being pleasant during courtship, just know the worst is yet to come.
Investigate, do istikhara from the very beginning, so do istikhara asking Allah to help you in the right choice, to make sure that if this person is not good for you, they take them Allah takes that person out of your heart, and replaces them with somebody better. And, you know, make sure you also, in addition to investigation, ask them the right questions, ask them things that you are passionate about that are non negotiables, so that you don't find you're married, and they say, Oh, no, you can't do this, or I don't want that. I didn't sign up for this. Try and ask a whole slew of questions that matter to you. So you're not in for a surprise. And in Islam, you're actually allowed
to have a contract on certain things. So you don't want let's see, and I'm not someone who's anti polygamy, don't get me wrong. But if you are someone who cannot live in a polygamous family home, you can go into a contract with that person to be to say you don't want it if you are a woman. And if you plan to go into polygamy, it's one of the things during courtship, you should discuss, discuss how many children you want to have. How do you plan to raise your children? Are you both going to be hands on as you know your father washed your butts? I hardly washed you guys. I hardly bathed you.
Feeding cleaning? He said you I mean.
So for me, it was really part of what he said he would do and under Sharia. I don't have to cook for him. I don't have to clean up. He did most of those things when we got married. And whenever I did it, he would say make the intention of sadhika because it's not your job to do that you're not a glorified housemate. So all those things are things you have to discuss ahead of time. Are you planning to work? Do you not want your wife to work, things like that, make sure you discuss it or be okay with it. And you go from there. So and when is the right time to have children and all that stuff. You know talk about finances, how you plan
To manage money, talk about everything, everything that it's allowed to talk about. And then you then make a decision. If you know you've checked off all the things that are most important to you, then may Allah put his blessings in your decision.
Right? So in summary, are you saying is we should do intensive research on the person before we just jump into the relationship? Right? Yeah, we do research for passing our exams, but we don't do research for the one we're going to spend the rest of our life with. No, we do homework before we get a driver's license, you know, test, but we don't for the person we're gonna spend the rest of our life with and this is, this is heavy duty, you know, your peace of mind lies in the choice you make, even and when to have children, all these things are so they can make or break you. So you don't want to just leave it to chance or just go with just being blindly in love with each other.
Because love comes in waves. But if you choose the right person, because their character is beautiful, that lasts forever, that never expires.
Yeah, you guys like that. That's actually the funny thing about our educational system, you know, it's like they don't focus on teaching us all we need to know is like how to handle our emotions, how to find the right spouse, you know, how to manage our money, and so on. And instead, what they teach, how to pass your exams is like physics, and chemistry and all but what are you wondering is like, how can I apply this in my daily activities is like now if I want to find the right spot on Medina, apply Einstein's law, you know, to find the right one, I'm not going to add chemicals, you know, if I want to cook something unit is like, the knowledge that we should, we should have been
taught is not being taught in school. And that's why I highly encourage people units, like go out of your way and learn those important things, you know, don't depend on school to provide you to spoon feed you because the school would school would never do that. I mean, hopefully one day will but I don't know when that will be unjust. Oh point is like, we just need to take charge and become independent. Yeah, thank you so much for sharing that very insightful point. Now the next question is, can you approach someone during Ramadan?
Um, yeah, I mean, if you see somebody you want to get to know better. You know, I tell you, because I know your generation use the word dating a lot that this is an important terminology that
often dating in the West is having intimacy with someone you know, you go on a date, you end up in bed. However, I believe in the old fashioned terminology, which is courting, and courting means with the plan of getting married at the end of the day. So yeah, if you see somebody and there is no physical intimacy, and no hell around anything going on, not in your speech, not in what you see, not in what you hear. Then, of course, that one is definitely permissible. And you couldn't use that period to intensify do your due date nights bring to life this is the one that's the best time to pray Allah show me a sign so that I can go full speed ahead, to get to know them better. There's
nothing wrong with that.
Thank you so much for doing that. Now. This is this was actually a question that I received from one of the one of my followers and they wanted me to ask you in Ramadan, can you eat your girlfriend's food?
from anybody as long as the food is allowed?
of constant word girlfriend is the question mark.
The person you are courting. You're not married. But if we cook for you as a kind gesture, yeah, go ahead and eat it at the right time. But it's time time or it's over time.
I mean, just like you go to a restaurant and somebody cooks for you, you don't know that person. They may be a total stranger. As long as
you eat at the right time during Ramadan. You can eat from anybody you want from any way you want from aliens, if you want to go ahead.
Thank you very much. Now this is the last question. I'll be asking
questions from the audience.
What was the naughtiest thing you did? As a child?
Can I remember one thing I was good at I was just
attention from my Mum, I would claim dying. Or I would claim I'm gonna kill myself. I was full of drama. And there was a day I had not done three assignments for school. And my teachers were like the most ruthless, ruthless, vicious ones that I was going to have them that I was doing assignments to. So the evening before I came, and I crawled from my room to her room, and I was on the floor, and I was knocking on her door gently, you know, knock, knock, knock. So she came out, and she saw me there on the floor. And I said, and
I'm so sorry. Can you
hear me? Yes.
Okay, so, um, I kept saying, I'm dying. And by the time she was like, million, get off the floor, and I was like,
and she just ignored me and went back in. So then next thing, I took a knife, and I stood again, this time, I'd gotten up after pretending like I couldn't walk, I stood by the door, and I said, You don't love me anymore. I'm gonna kill myself. She said, Go outside and do it outside because I don't want to have to clean up after you.
I'm not sure if I want to share them. But I would you know, when I was young, when I was 18, I did with your dad. He has shared this in a lot of lectures. We had gotten married within our first week of marriage, and he went into the bathroom to do ablution. And there was this maluma lutece property that he wears when he's going to pray. And he always hung it in the closet. I entered inside that thing hanging in the closet and I stood up I knew when he comes out, he's gonna grab it. So he opened the door I now
I remember that there was another one he shares where he had a pile of laundry on the floor next to his mouth where he would pray again, he went to do ablution I don't know what it is with me and when people want to pray, but he came back and was just about to do his best beer. I'll take your gum, I imagine how naughty I was, I think grabbed his feet. And there was this sound that came from insight is
Oh, dear, and another phone call.
He's popular today. Interesting. I liked it.
Okay, I think you're you're really popular today.
My village people have been busy.
Anyway, sorry for the interruption.
I mean, it's
Right. Okay, now I'm gonna start answering. I'm asking you the questions that the audience has. Right.
And it's legal implications and Islamic law.
I think what he's trying to say is, is it okay for a girl to prepare his car for a boyfriend in campus? Is there a reward? is a reward for that?
Um, I don't know that spiritual implications of it. Maybe the reward is not her boyfriend, the man she's courting. Right? Let's go with that with the man she plans to marry. Maybe it may make them you know, emotionally more connected. It's a kind of, you know, any kind gesture, but the technical part, whether there's a reward, Allahu Allah, I'm not a scholar. So I don't know.
Right. Okay. Um, I think that's the last question I saw there. But anyway, um, for those of you watching, feel free to ask any question now because, yeah, you're the ones in charge to, she'll be answering any questions. All the questions you have. Oh, dear. And she's gone again.
It's family planning.
Okay, it's like these, these folks are giving like technical questions. Um, there are different types of there are different schools of thoughts when it comes to family planning. The one that does not abort a fetus is acceptable, but you may have another school of thought that will see any kind of family planning is around it depends on what you are.
Mental Health is, however, ask a respected scholar, go online and do more research. But I would rather you leave that technical stuff to those who know better than me.
Right? Is teenage dating. Hello. Alright, let me rephrase that is teenage courting.
If like me, I got married at 18, my husband started courting me three years earlier. I know that we never met actually, because he wasn't even in the country until I graduated from Oh, no, just before I graduated from high school we met for the first time. But we had been communicating through letters, oh my god, your father knows how to write long letters, he would write me like 12 pages. He would record the audios during that time. And since my dad had already told me that you're not going to university unless you produce a husband, because I was very cheeky. I was a rebellious teenager, and I was the biggest moment for no follow at the time. So he didn't want something to go wrong. He
didn't want me to be hurt. He wanted to preserve my dignity. So he insisted that you will stay at home with us when you bring your husband. So I was ready. And they allowed us to court long distance. When he came back to Nigeria, we met in the living room of our family house was his sister's house or at their family house. But it was always a public LA area, because your grandfather always said don't allow him to be the third in the room. And so because of that, he just protected, you know, protected us from any temptation and us to be so what love may confuse you into thinking like this is the one and anything can change. So, yeah, that's the answer I would give. If
you're planning to get married as a teenager. Mashallah.
Mark, thank you so much. Um, our sister's asking, she's breastfeeding right now. And she's asking,
she should fast. Because um, and she's she also says, a baby boy sucks a lot. And he ends up being so weak, or she ends up being so weak. So she's wondering she she passed if she's breastfeeding?
These are all technical questions. Well, I can see the advice I was given because I asked the same question, I did not start fasting till I stopped breastfeeding. So because the nutrients that the child is supposed to get should be of the utmost quality, you know, so to speak. And if I'm not fully recharged,
it makes it hard. So Allah makes all these things easy for us. And I have a friend who is only costing now this year, when she delivered when she was pregnant, she didn't pass when she delivered breastfeeding. She didn't pass. She's only fasting now. So if you are exempted, some people do. It's their choice. However, Allah wants us to go with the easier option. So you don't have to
write. Thank you so much. Another Sister, I think is asking, how do you how do you prevent arguments
Well, arguments are almost inevitable. And my husband and your dad and I we still argue, but we don't fight. Because we always make sure that there is a currency that runs in the way we live together, which is respect. So we may disagree, but we don't fight.
So yeah, I mean, they say the teeth and the tongue fight, you still bite your tongue even though they are stuck together. It's a reality. But always maintain dignity. always maintain respect. always maintain courtesy. Never talk down. Never try and dominate. Never go for win, lose conversations. Let that person never feel empty or broken from discussions they have with you. So arguments are inevitable. But don't swallow in don't suffer in silence. Arguments can happen but sometimes they help you know yourself better. Because you get to know what you're, you know, where you can snap and then you learn self control, and so on.
Right now, a sister is asking, how do you handle a 16 year old boy who
sadly lost his dad last year and the boy has been quite
chatty, challenging to handle. So how do you how do you handle a 16 year old boy? may Allah have mercy on his late father?
Yeah, I think because we are running a school and we are dealing with teenagers and they've been a lot of things like divorces and sadly parents passing. For us as a school. We try to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes you find the child
regrets that maybe they didn't pass well with their Father, and the Father has gone. And sometimes they are so angry that they don't know how to express it or how to handle it. And instead they choose to rebel and be naughty as the person is describing. What you need is to try and make them understand that you know how they are feeling, and advise them to do things that will send regards to the departed loved one, it could be a father or a mother. I know a child who recently met me, they lost their father, and they said, their heart is heavy, because they didn't talk well. They came to school, and the father died. And unfortunately, they didn't have a chance to reconcile and
make peace. I asked this person, this child, it's a girl actually to plant a tree. And I told them to be watering this tree and keep watching the tree grow and lead whenever you see, you know, your intention should be made the reward go for them. Even if it's 100 nyrA. And just give it to me, Marcel will make all say and tell her to give it out to anybody like she sees an imaginary, let them enjoy it, and things like that. And then of course, take your, your anxiety, encourage them to take it to Allah like Allah help them lighten their load, and let them honor the person who has gone by living the best life and becoming the best version because that's what their father would want. You
know, things like that. But what they need is just comfort and somebody to acknowledge their emotions, that you are hurting, and I'm sorry, you're feeling this way. May Allah lighten your load, and things you know, to comfort them. And then advice have somebody who they look up to talk to them as well find out who are the role models, maybe you can have that person talk to them.
Right. Shana, thank you so much for that. Someone else is asking if one falls out of love with their partner? Is it possible to still be together just out of respect or because of the kids?
Unfortunately, yes, there was the kind of relationships I called your like roommates.
You are on a roundabout with no exit, because you are just existing in the relationship. There's no true relationship. And marriage is not meant to be that some people use the world they feel what they feel trapped because of marriage, they feel they can't walk away, I always say we the costs if your children are growing, growing up, not seeing a real relationship, don't forget, you are going to have to answer to allow for what you modeled for your children. So if your children don't grow up seeing a true relationship, they may repeat that with their spouse, because that's what they saw. So you have to weigh the pros and cons. If your kids are seeing you fight. They're hearing your corals
they're seeing you're deeply sad, most likely, they will believe this is what a real relationship is meant to be. And they may replicate that or carry the baggage of that into their own relationship, which is another monster, and you as a parent will answer to Allah for it. So it's a it's a tough one. You know, it's a tough one. But I think I always say, if your children or you are experiencing toxic, toxic relationship, where you're being broken, or you're being insulted, you're being made to feel small, walk away, nobody's worth it, not the husband, not the wife, and some men are in abusive relationships. And some women are in abusive relationships. And you and your children do not deserve
that. That is not proper. And if you don't do the right thing, your children will report to Allah that this is what you did. This is what you allowed them to witness. So we have to be extremely careful as parents, what sacrifices we think we are making, in the name of love for our children. Yeah.
Right. So there's another question.
Someone is saying, Why is my question not being entertained? Muhammad?
Can you please repeat the question because it's, it's far up? It's like, okay, I can find it. But before we answer his question, someone is asking how do we build love in a family?
Again, you have to be intentional as a parent, you have to have that as part of your culture. Like your dad and I, we made sure first we were in love before we brought you guys into the world. But we made sure you saw love you felt loved that we don't just say that should be loved in the home. We wrestled with you guys until you got bigger and stronger than both of us. Don't tell your father I said that. But we all know the truth. Right.
Right. But you know, you saw my your
Father chasing me around how I didn't seek and you guys get involved in the play, we wrestle you and i right we wrestle your dad until that big monster your older brother comes in to ruin the party. And that is love. We tell you guys, things, words of affirmation, but we also show you. So you have to demonstrate it. It's a verb. I mean, it's so cliche to say love is a verb, but it is. Because that's where you're, you know, your home is just brought to life, because it's filled with love. It's filled with kindness. It's filled with compassion. So for me, I think that's it. I mean, we all can four of us be on the same bed, just lying there and just idle chit chat. And,
you know, we could all be sitting, watching a movie together, you know, but we are together as a family. And
we all hang out in the kitchen, one person is cooking while everybody else is yapping, that's low. So it's that's how you bring love into the home. I know you learn from your father to come and meet me at the door when I come home, or you join me to go meet your dad. It's just became a culture that you develop. You have to be conscious of these things. You have to be deliberate. Yeah, you know, I was I was read about, like, there's this quote, I came across that said that kids don't
listen to what the parents say they do what their parents do, they end up doing, what their grants do. The visual people use, like, they'll just keep watching what their friends are doing. And eventually units like when they get married. That's what they end up doing with their spouses. So it's like,
I just plan on, like, paying more attention to my actions are not just my words, you know, I will just tell my kids, don't do this. Don't do that. When I'm doing that thing is like,
practice what we preach, right? Muhammad, he finally asked the question that we missed earlier, what's the minimum minimum period for courtship in Islam?
There's no minimum period, you get married when you know you're ready. When you are ready, you are the right person. And then when you've done all your homework, so there's no timeline. I do not encourage rush rush courtship, I honestly think you need time to observe this person you're courting. You need time to investigate them. And make sure you're both on the same page that you communicate. And you both share the same family goals. The same marriage goals, the same, you know, child upbringing, child discipline goals, expressions of love goals, you know, how do we make sure we understand each other's love? Like you need to talk about all those things, and have enough time
to see each other during the good, the bad and the ugly time? So there is no Muhammad, there is no timeframe. It's when you know, you've done all this stuff, then you can now work on making sure and then you've done your istikhara. And you feel right. I would suggest that would be a good time. All right. Well, I guess we're out of time now out of questions as well. No, thank you so much for being here with me. And thank you everyone for being here. It's It's been a pleasure. It's been very well. I learned a lot. I don't know about you all, but I know Atlanta. And
many of the things that you mentioned today, I think that I really do think that you've already told me like years ago, but it's nice, you know, refreshing my memory and so on. So thank you so much for being here. inspirational woman.
know I must say we shake me so rest in peace. Does it matter? Yes. That's That's how he said.
It was a pleasure.
To all your followers and viewers. I had so much fun
Bye, everyone. Bye