Channel: Maryam Lemu
Series: Maryam Lemu - Half of Faith
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. This is Mariam limoux and with me is my husband
tecoma salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa Taala. wabarakatu hamdulillah. During the last episode, we told you the roller coaster journey we went to and the length that went into the decision to get married and the actual expectation that we went into marriage with however, we gave you a hint that things didn't go according to plan. So what happened after the marriage that he did say that some things he thought he was ready for? He had mentally prepared himself for turned out not to be as he expected. Yes. And then the reality is, as he said, within the first two weeks of marriage, I asked for a divorce. I didn't know couples fight, and my expectations was shattered all the romantic
fantasies of him looking into my eyes and telling me sweet nothings all just went totally out of the window.
After the fight, I told him, we wanted a divorce, he calmed me down. Soon after that, another fight again, and I panicked. I was like she I told you to give me a divorce the last time you didn't, and it just seemed to be getting worse from then on. And the fights were very unusual. Yeah, they were. A lot of it. A lot of it was driven by ego, by pride, by stubbornness, by a lack of willingness to be considered of the other person.
We both had very strong personalities. And we didn't understand at the time that when one is high, the other should be low.
We lost sight of the objective, the big picture, which is a home is supposed to be a place of comfort, a place of solace.
It got worse, even though we were still strangely madly in love Marian was, I think, the most cheekiest of brides one could ever imagine. Within the first week, I had a closet where I hand my gowns when I ready to pray. And I left her in the living room, and I just did my boo. And I reached into the closet to get my gown to pray on a hand grabbed me. And I made a god awful song, you know, the kind of son a man doesn't want a woman to hear him make, you know, because I was so scared images should be there. I thought that was it. And then one time, I piled a bunch of clothes that I was going to do laundry. And unbeknownst to me, Marian went and laid on the floor and put all the
laundry on top of herself. And imagine walking by a pile of clothing and something grabs your foot. You know, again, I was going through these. And I was like, What did I go marry for goodness sake is like this prankster that was always just putting me on edge. And I said getting nervous about this one because I didn't quite like the sound I was making. They were like very awful, cowardly sounds. And here I am trying to be the match your husband. Anyway, we were going through that as we were having challenges in the marriage. So it wasn't that every single moment of those six years were bad. No, that wasn't the case. We had some wonderful experiences. We had wonderful times, but it's
just that I realized she had as bad a temper. As I did kiss was worse than mine. We can argue about that another time. But you know, no, like literally he she literally is a ticking time bomb. I call him silent killer under the radar. Because you see, I used to be here he has improved a lot.
But his style when we would have conflict, he wouldn't talk. He wouldn't talk he'd shut down. He'd say nothing. And I was like, how can you see nothing. I can see this something. And it's just the two of us in this house. And you're telling me it's nothing? What did I do? Nothing. Like, oh my god, and I just had to talk. I couldn't sleep with a heavy heart. So I tried to force it out of him. And he went deeper into his cave. And he would say, Miriam, don't push me to see something I'm gonna regret. And I would say, Oh, yeah, see it? See it. You won't regret it. I can handle it. It was so bad. He would walk out on our run away from her. I'll go lock myself in the toilet. So I don't hear
her. You don't know how to wife will get a pillow. She'll put it on the floor by the crack of the door on the floor. My wife will be talking through that crack. I'm in the toilet. I'm sitting the toilet with my hand in my ear not wanting to hear what she has to say. Maria will not relent as simple as like, God help me What did I get myself into? Now? We were having these issues on and off, on and off. I think it was the fourth or fifth year and let me know
Tell the story because she was the one that got the inspiration, and really started the healing process. Yeah, I remember things had gotten so bad. One thing I did is just at one thing I promised myself is I would never call my mom and say we are having issues since we got married. I didn't want to break her heart. And I think a lot of people relate. You just feel you've let yourself down. And you're going to make them feel so worried by telling them so I didn't call my mom. But I remember I called his mom one day and I told her he was being mean to me. And boy, I was so happy. His mom asked me to give him the phone and he was sitting brooding, we adjust for it. And as he got on the
phone, I heard him say now for fire, which isn't up and saying, sorry, sorry. Next thing when he dropped the phone, he came, he looked me in the eyes, he held my hands. And he said, Miriam, I am so sorry, I hurt you. I felt so good that his mother blasted him.
That was one. However, it didn't stop the fights. Because the issues had not been addressed. I think that was the most important things that issues have to be addressed before you move to the side to that which is interesting. I mean, we are in laws are unique in that sense. When Marian complained to my mother about me. My mother didn't take my side.
My mother took her side. And then when Marian finally told her mother about what was going on, all that Miriam's mother told her is gonna speak to your husband. And when I got the phone, she said, we'll call you back in five minutes. So I hung up when Miriam's dad called. He was 100% supporting me. So it wasn't like her father was supporting her. And my mother was supporting me, it was the opposite. And that thing that I said Marian did was she asked her mother, how is the best way to communicate with me, the mother told her writing a letter, Miriam wrote me a newspaper The first time she was angry in writing as she was verbally, so I didn't help it just made matters worse. So
she was told No, don't do that. She was able to tone it down. And that letter when she did it, right, that first time was the beginning of the solution to our problems. And then one day, she said, Can you tell me what it is about me that you like? And what it is about me that you don't like? That was a revelation to me, like, wow. But then I told myself, I have to be kind, I have to be gentle. So I did. But I didn't know I walked into a trap. Because as soon as I said, all I need to say about it, I felt obligated to give her the chance to do the same for me. That was the scariest thing for me to say, Okay, ma'am, why don't you just tell me what you don't like about me?
And what you like about me? I had a book ready. It was nerve racking. You know, and I was afraid of what the outcome will be. And I remember saying, Oh, my God, why did I because I thought she really got me. But it was really the formula that helped us the turning point that helped us to really get to know each other and really work on helping each other be the best versions of us. And this thing about helping each other. I remember when it gave me feedback. One of the first things he said is Maryam, you have a big mouth. Now he was saying, you know that he had to try not to hurt. He was brutally honest. I think that's one thing I really love about him. When you ask for feedback, he
will tell you as it is he doesn't mince his words. And he did. He told me you've got a big mouth, you are very selfish. You focus only on your happiness, and they did quite a lot. I could tell you till tomorrow, I had a lot of sins and offenses. However, that really helped me become aware that yes, I needed to look within and that started the introspect. That started me then seeing whenever you see me doing that thing you see you don't like and I promise you, I will work on it. draw my attention to it signal me. He says you have a big mouth when we're in public, you talk too much. So I would ask him to signal me and one of the things that he would do when we go out in public, or one
of the signals is either he just uses his hand on the side by doing something like this, or he squints a little bit. His eyes just become a bit narrow. Nobody else in the room sees that. But I get to know Okay, it's time to shut my big mouth and stop doing those things she gives me signals to I mean, we can communicate across the room. Nobody knows we're communicating. Yeah. And all we want is just to present the best version of who we are. I think we should maybe in the next episode, explain to them how that transformed the relationship and how to this day. We're still practicing that one inspirational moment that I don't know who gave it to this woman. But you know, I think
I owe her for that. And it's something that I will forever cherish that she brought into our lives and we still use to this day really we were both still work in progress. So we're still we're still working on us. Please do join us inshallah, during the next episode, like it said, we're going to be talking about what has built the relationship. What is it that we have introduced in addition to what we just mentioned, to make us feel we are standing on solid rock to feel very comfortable and relaxed with the marriage, however, not so relaxed, that we're not going to make an effort to work harder at making it even better than what we have right now. So please join us next time. Assalamu