Channel: Maryam Lemu
Series: Maryam Lemu - Half of Faith
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Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu This is Marian label and with me is my husband
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. hamdulillah. During the last episode, we shared with you the turbulent early years of our marriage, the first five to six years, the conflict, the various unusual ways of fighting. And then the turning points that each shed how I asked him to critique me and the inventory, that personal self check that we had to start to start doing in other words, that you had been
struggling to overcome our own demons and conquer them and find a new path to making sure the fights stop. They can't stop completely. But we developed the art of what I call fighting without fighting, as Bruce Lee says in Enter the Dragon, but what kind of methods do you remember that works when it came to conflict resolution? Well, the one thing is, first of all, the importance of communication. Yeah. The method of communication matters. Is it verbal? Is it written, to make sure that you're getting your concerns across and you are understood? The whole point by people fail to realize when you have a misunderstanding is that you are working to be understood. So you work on making sure
that my concerns my worries, my feelings are properly communicated, without insults with denigrating your spouse without condescension and contempt and contempt. And without using what you're told in confidence against your spouse, they confide in you in a problem they ever had with someone, when you get angry, you use it to hurt
to poke at them. So I want couples to realize the whole purpose of being at home is to be at peace, and in love, not at war and in contempt. So this is important where you pick your words, you know, the words that have a tendency to annoy to upset a trigger or trigger, and you avoid them. Because ultimately, the objective The ultimate goal, let me repeat this, the ultimate goal is peace, and love. So that was the first thing we understood. I told you about Mario's long letter, they became moderate and he became short. And then when we were communicating properly, Marian would make an appointment and make an appointment to fight. If something was bothering me, I realized, since he
said I had a big mouth, I had to find alternatives. So I would actually tell him, so if something is bothering me, whenever you feel it's okay, I would like to talk. And at first, it was very hard, because he didn't want to face those kinds of things he wasn't comfortable with. Let's sit and talk. So those are things that Alhamdulillah we've come a long way because right now he'll just say, hey, come, let's talk, however, then he would sometimes take about a day or two inside that would be burning with anger, and I want to blow up, but I kept controlling myself and focusing on the fact that I want a resolution. So I had to learn patience, which was something I didn't have either, but
Alhamdulillah by the time so it calls me and says, Hey, come. What do you want to talk about? Sit here. Tell me what's bothering you. It's not possible for me to blow up. Because we are he's not calling me to talk when already am burning. So sometimes I know my brother used to say the CVO anger for another day. If something is bothering you, you're burning up inside we today are we two days before talking about it, the fire won't be as hot. There's this quote I say often don't light a match in a petrol station. So when you're both hot when you are angry, that's not the time to try and resolve issues. What I found also that really helped is the fact that when he says come sit
down, and I sit next to him, there's some form of physical contact between us. It douses the flames, it just makes you feel a bit more intimate. And it's hard for conflict to come up. It's hard to sit next to somebody when you're really mad and you're hot. Yeah. So and sometimes when I take a day or two, I'm trying to come to put out the fire before we sit down and have a conversation. And by the time we get to the point I'm also mentally prepared not to allow anything that she may have said out of anger or frustration and knowing me, so you mentally prepared, I'm not going to get angry. I'm not going to get upset. I will filter out the annoying or irritating phrases or words and just try
to get to the crux of the matter and address the issue. So that is why sometimes I buy
The time. But the interesting thing when we improve the communication style, it went into so many other areas to the even to as something as minute as how a perfume reacts to your body. So you can get expensive perfume that smells good in the shop. But before we go out, I'll test it on me and say, Maria, how do I smell? She'll say awful. That's the end of that perfume. It doesn't matter how expensive it is, I get a very nice outfit. I love the color. And she says you get lost in that color. It doesn't fit you can cook well, we have to make sure his colors.
It doesn't matter how expensive it is. And I know she's looking out. For my interest. my well being she want the best version of me to be out there. Yeah, she then willingly comes to me and says, How do I look? Now, gentlemen, there is a trick to this. Don't go criticizing the woman before she comes asking you for your opinion. My suggestion is wait till she asks you what you think. I never tell Maria. That is awful. I'm bite my lip. I wait, how do I reverse it? Oh, gosh, give me the opportunity. Don't wait to say okay, but if I make a mistake, knowing my wife, she's all decked up in this color that looks awful on her. And she wants to go out. And I say man, you know that outfit
looks awful. That's what I'm going to wear out there. Because I know how. So you learn each other, you study each other, you know each other, you have to know each other. You have to know what buttons not to push, you have to know what takes them off. So we did a lot of that. And that questioning that. She said we did that asking the question. Because now you also came up with an idea. I want you to talk about it. Yeah. Like he mentioned during the previous episode when I asked him to critique me, one thing that I know I do more recently, because you you continue to evolve and you find new methods. If I'm to say so what is it about me you don't like?
He knows that I'm so conscious of trying to work on all those things, that it's hard for those things he has said he doesn't like to feature again. However, one of the ways I've found that has worked for me and has helped is cited in what we can I make you happier? And that question really, really helps a lot because you now can try and make sure you fulfill your spouse's fantasies even greater. How can I make you happier? It's such an important question. Some people aren't comfortable asking this of themselves. Some people aren't comfortable going with them. But honestly, your spouse is the most important person in your life. After Allah, who is not a person, but Allah first, and
then yourself? Yeah. So your spirituality first, then yourself, then your spouse? When I say yourself, I mean, if you're okay, you're in order. It's so much easier to give your all so even our children know that. We come before them like Baba comes before them. Because if we are okay, they will be okay. We will raise them together will they will see the best of us. Talking of children. I think there's another thing about conflict that was so important. We agreed First, we wouldn't bring a child into a world where there was no love. But we promised we would never fight in front of our kids. Now, I remember one day I was brooding and I was sitting in another room. My husband and it
was in one room and we've always had the habit of we're in the house. We're always in the same room and the kids grow up. See, I grew up seeing that. But the youngest came and said, mama, why are you in this room? And why is Baba in that room? I was like, Oh, I wanted to watch something else. I didn't. I was actually upset with her that. So he's like, but you should be watching what he's watching. And I was like, I didn't feel like it. He said, so you're fighting. I was like, no, we're not fighting. And he's like, prove it. Then he went and got his brother. Yeah, he got back up. So he went and called his brother. His brother came and stood over me and said, Mama, I hear you and Baba
fighting. I was like, we're no fighting. So he they both dragged us.
Yeah, they dragged me on to come and meet his dad. And as I entered the room, I had to quickly make sure I sent him a coded message. I said, Can you imagine these monkeys think we are fighting? They went on to say, if you're not fighting, prove it, prove it. So my husband stood up and he gave me a hug. After the boys said better and they left Guess what? I was so quick to wipe him off. I was so upset. But you know, it made us laugh. And this silliness of the whole thing that physical contact again, douse the fire. And we realized we were just being so silly and we sat down he said, Mariam, come sit down, let's talk we sorted it out. So I think several important things, which inshallah
during the next episode, I will share with you Marie himself.
Something about fulfilling your spouse's fantasies. Yeah.
It's an ibadah to fulfill the intimacy needs of one's wife. It's also an act of ibadah to make sure that you help your wife and yourself to remain chaste. We will talk about that during no I wanted to say next episode. I just wanted to say in our conversation, yeah, in those conversations, which many people find uncomfortable, it is necessary that spouses have those conversations with one another because that is one of the important aspects of marriage. And if one doesn't fulfill that it becomes problematic will lead to other things. We'll talk about all that juicy stuff during the next episode insha Allah, so please join us as salaam alaikum and assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.