Etiquette of Divorce

Ismail Kamdar

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Channel: Ismail Kamdar

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So understand that divorce in Islam is seen as a very serious issue. The marriage contract is sacred. It is a contract in the sight of God to legitimize a relationship between a man and a woman, you have become halau for each other through this contract, you don't just end it. Because you weren't in the mood or you're not feeling it anymore, or because you know, you were angry. Right now. It's something you have to take time to think about, it's something you need to be serious about. It's something you need to consult people about, you can't just jump right into it. So number one, never utter a divorce in a state of anger.

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Never utter a divorce, that's the Durango. This is specifically for men. Understand this before you even get married. Teach Yourself this form before you get married, train yourself for this from before you get married, that I will never uttered these words in a state of anger, say anything else. But not these words.

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These are only words you should say after months of contemplation. After months of seeking counseling, of asking others for advice, when they can't, when you can't see any other way forward. Only in that situation calmly in a in a civilized manner. You sit with her you explain to the situation. And then only you say these words, never say it in a state of anger. Now I know in some mud hubs, saying it in a state of extreme anger doesn't even count. Right. But there is a difference of opinion on that.

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In, in, in terms of practical practical advice, I would say, Do not allow these words on your tongue. Learn how to control your tongue, say these words, never come on it. Take at least two months to think about it. Consult elders cons consult experts before making a decision. So in the heat of the moment, it may feel like a divorce may be the best way forward. But you didn't think about it. You didn't think about the life you've built together, you didn't think about the fact that what you're arguing about is petty and can be resolved. You didn't think about how it affects the children. You didn't think about, you know the good times, because you're in a state of anger.

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So calm down, I think about it. And ask people for advice. Sit with your parents, or with the elderly scholar from your community, or a marriage counselor, tell them what's going on. Tell them why you're thinking of a divorce, and be open to the advice. And sometimes the advice might actually be yes, you need to divorce.

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I know there are many situations where I had to advise people accordingly, where a man and women who are married to each other for multiple years, and it just wasn't working out. And they just couldn't get over their cultural differences or their sectarian differences or their lifestyle differences. And I tell them that it's best for both of you to go your separate ways. And in those cases, Alhamdulillah they got a divorce. Both of them are remarried, and both of them are happy now. Sometimes that is the advice. But sometimes the advice is the opposite. Sometimes the advice is Hold on, don't show me your marriage. You know, this can be resolved. You know, let someone speak to her

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let someone advise, let's see what the issue is. It's something small, or it's something that can be fixed or something that can be changed. Give it time. You know, maybe your wife has a bad quality that you feel you can't live with. But if you give her a year to change, she may actually change and the quality may no longer be a part of her. If you actually sit and go for counseling and discuss the issue with each other. So divorce should never never be the first thing on your mind. rather speak to your elders, seek knowledge from the experts, and

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only with the advice of even the experts is that yes, the best thing for both of you is to create is to end the marriage, then only in that case, do you seriously consider divorcing your spouse. But don't just do it on your own and don't just do it in a emotional state. Next point. And this is more for the ladies that the men because unfortunately more women do this than men do not utilize the kuffaar court system to get money from your spouse. They see haram money and the curse on you. So we know in the non Muslim court system. In some countries, they have this wave for example, where a woman takes half of her husband's money or where he is forced to pay her, you know a certain amount

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every month for the rest of her life. This has nothing to do with Islam. So understand that if you are going down this route, you are stealing his money in the sight of Allah and this money will be haram for you. So in the moment, greed may take over your heart and may make you think that this is good. I'm getting money out of this. I'm hurting him.

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But understand on the Day of Judgment when we are asked about our money and how we want it. How are you going to answer for this?

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Sophia Allah don't go anywhere.

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Yeah, the file system for this kind of thing, the only time you ever go near their system is if you're actually having a court marriage and you need to have it dissolved and you just do that much, just do that much. Don't go beyond that. Don't go beyond the bounds of what Allah has allowed.

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Do not seek money that is haram for you. Remember the verse in Surah, Allah, Allah discusses the freak of Allah. And then he says that whoever fears Allah, Allah will make for them away out and provide for them from within, never imagined. And whoever has the workload in Allah, Allah is enough for them. So if you are going through a divorce, and you are scared about finances, you are scared about how you're going to go forward financially, never turned to haram never turned to stealing your spouse's world.

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The word goal and Taqwa fear Allah and trust Allah, and Allah will open those up for you.

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So be very, very careful never go near sorted around money. And unfortunately, we're hearing more and more cases, these days of woman who are using the kuffaar court system to get money out of their husbands, this money is haram. And it will be a curse on you and a curse on your children. And it will negatively impact you in this world and especially in the off camera. So fear Allah and do not go near the system.

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Number four very important etiquette of divorce that people have forgotten in the modern world. And that is, Do not expose your ex spouses secrets and private matters to the world, even after divorce, still got their order, even after divorce. So while you are married to someone, you are exposed to the most intimate things about them, the bad habits, their mistakes, their weaknesses, their most vulnerable times. Right, you've literally seen them naked.

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You know, this is something that you have to protect. This is the honor and dignity. Even after a divorce, you have to protect the honor and dignity in this area for the rest of your life. You do not have the right in Islam to go around bad mouthing your ex spouse. Now, the exception would be if someone is coming to you and saying that they're thinking of marrying your ex spouse, right? And do you have any advice for them? And you know that there's something about your ex spouse that could ruin that person's life? Then you can mention that things specifically and nothing else. Meaning for example, if you know you got a divorce because your ex husband was a drug addict, or he was a

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violent person, and someone seeks you advice about rallying the person, then yes, you can tell them to listen, I was married to him before he has a drug addiction problem. Just be aware of that before making your decision, but nothing else. Nothing beyond what they need to know. Do not expose people's secrets and by doing not allow to expose anyone secrets or private matters even more so your spouse or your ex spouse. And I've seen this again in the modern world. So many Muslims do this they get divorced. And then all over social media, they post all of their spouses, you know, private sins and private mistakes and, and weaknesses and they will completely ruin the reputation of the

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individual. Fear Allah. Fear Allah, this is a major sin on your part. Someone who does this to the ex spouse is committing a major sin. They are destroying the honor of a fellow Muslim. Understand that that person is no longer your husband or wife, but they are still Muslims. And the prophets of Allah who said all of a Muslim is haram for another Muslim, their wealth they live and they honor, we sometimes forget about this third part, they honor this is where the word is Academy comes from honor Academy. The honor of your fellow Muslims is haram for you to violate, it is haram for you to violate the honor of your fellow Muslims. The prophets, the lawyers have said it is sufficient as a

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sin that you humiliate a Muslim brother that is essential humiliate someone. So understand

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that this is a major sin on the part of a person.

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In Islam, when you divorce, you divorce in a manner that is

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that is compassionate, for lack of a better word, right? Where you let go of the person in a way that is dignified. I think that's a better word. You're right, let go of the person in a way that is dignified. You don't badmouth them. They don't badmouth you. You don't seek revenge on them. They don't seek revenge on you. You will just go your own way. And you won't move on with your lives. And you do not

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do anything to harm the other person. If you'll share children, you'll will co parent right you will both still be involved in a children's life, when especially do not badmouth your spouse to their own children or to anyone else.

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Right

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And that brings us to the last two points. One is etiquettes of divorce. Never badmouth your spouse to anyone. Right? The only time is to save someone from harm. So already mentioned is that if you divorce someone because they have a drug addiction problem, or they're violent, or they're addicted to alcohol, or something that's going to hurt the person who's marrying them next, then yes, that person has a right that you tell them that thing specifically, but not anything else.

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Understand that Islam, gossip, backbiting, slander, these are all sins. Even if the person is your ex husband and your ex wife, it still isn't there still Muslims, and you still have to go there.

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So don't go around backbiting your ex husband or your ex wife, rather, let him go in a dignified way, wish the best for them move on with your life that they move on with their lives.

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And finally, the one area where I see so many Muslims messing up when it comes to divorce is the rights of children.

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And it's very sad that people use their children

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as a pawn in the divorce as a way of, of

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hurting your spouse, fear Allah. Really, all I can say is fear Allah, never use your children against your ex spouse, never poison your children against their own parent, be civil, and be just And fear Allah, regarding the rights of your children and the mother or father,

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you need to give the children equal access. Now, equal access doesn't mean exactly equal time. But they shouldn't feel that they have no access to their father, or no access to their model. Yes, one parent at different points in time would would be more in charge, and each month has a different way of custody, right in terms of whether the mother or the father gets custody, there's difference of opinions between the mother was over who gets custody at which age, but

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you having custody of the child

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does not allow allow you to deny the other parent role in their life, the other parent can still take them out, can still phone them, can still have a relationship with them, can still parent them. You know kids didn't go to school, spend time with them, on special occasions, can still bond with them. This is their right as the father or mother over their own children you have in custody does not mean that you deprive the other person of a relationship with their own child, fear Allah and b Just treat other people the way you want to be treated. That if the other person had custody, what would you want out of it, you would want them to still let you speak to the children visited

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children have a good relationship with your children, to give them the same. Do not use your children as a way of hurting your ex spouse. Muslims cannot be petty like this with each other. We have to fear Allah in our dealings with all people, including our ex husband and ex wife, right. So do not use them as a point in the marriage, do not poison them against the other parent.

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Whatever problems you had with your ex husband or ex wife, never

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bring your children into it. Don't tell your children your father is like this or your mother is like that. Don't make them hate the parent Islamically they still have to respect the mother or father, they slept obey the mother of obviously have to have a good relationship with their mother or father, don't get in the way of that do not get in the way of that you are breaking family ties if you do that. And again, this is a major sin. And this area people allow emotions to overtake them. And so many people fall into major sins without even realizing it.

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Do not take your children hostage, you know, keeping them almost like prisoners, so they can't see the other parent. Rather, be just, again, custody. Depends on the country you live in depends on the court system depends on the specifics and dynamics of the marriage depends on the math help you follow. So I'm not going to go into the custody issue. But

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whoever gets custody, the other person still has the right to have a relationship with their own children and to be respected by their own children. So never get in the way of that.

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So with that, we come to the end of the section on etiquettes of divorce moving forward some of the contemporary challenges we face as a community related to

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divorce number one.

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Using the kuffar court system, so living in a non Muslim country, when do you go to the court?

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And I would say the only time you go to the court is if you have a civil marriage, you have a court registered marriage, and you want that to be announced. Then you just get that much done.

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That's all right. Otherwise, it all should be resolved in an Islamic court, which in a non Muslim land would simply be the local Imam or the local alumni body

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Right, do things that Islamic we do not involve the kuffar in your marriage, in your divorce, understand that Nikka and dialogue are things that are legislative, Allah subhanho wa taala. And they have to be done in a way that is pleasing to Allah subhanho, at least in line what Allah has allowed. So never

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give preference to the ways and opinions and system of the kuffar over that of Allah in something which involves the legislation of Allah subhanaw taala.

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This is disrespectful to Allah, it is disrespectful to your marriage. And sometimes it could even be a means of taking you out to the fold of Islam. If you actually believe that the kofod system is better and more just the Allah system that can take a person out of the fold of Islam. So avoid the comfort systems and focus on solving it through an Islamic system. Right.

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The only time I would say go into the kuffar a system is fine, is when you just need to sort out certain paperwork, like making sure that that marriage is allowed in the court.

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Understand it is haram to use the kuffaar system to usurp the wealth of your spouse, whether it's through alimony or through taking half of the money or through some kind of manipulation into getting something of this. All of this is not from Islam.

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Islamically a man still has to provide for his children, not for his ex wife Islamically A man doesn't have to provide for his ex wife, once his his his her provider while they are valid. Once they are divorced, then it is her father or her brother or her son or an ex husband who is going to provide for right but it's not his job to provide for so for you to take money from him every month for the next few years. This is stealing this is usurping his wealth. This is haram money Sophia Allah and stay away from this

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the third contemporary challenge is that we have these two extremes in our culture so I in some cultures divorce is so normal that people are like, you know get married after three weeks they are not feeling it get divorced. Now then someone else after three weeks not feeling it get divorced. I know of people who've been divorced 20 times. Right. And you know, they they've been 20 different woman in this way. This is technically not haram but it's not good either. handle everything that's Halal is good for you. This is you know very much in that gray border area that you need to avoid the doubtful area you need to avoid. So we don't want to go to that extreme where divorce is

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something that's normally something that's common, where we find now that someone may have a perfectly decent marriage to a decent spouse, but people tell them You deserve better. And if you get divorced, you can marry this perfect person. And so they get a divorce and find themselves with no proposals. Right because of being deluded by modern society. Beware of this this is this is not

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a culture we want to grow as Muslims, we want a culture of strong marriages, not a culture of divorce. And now we're seeing even more crazy things that with the modern world, you see people having divorce parties, and celebrating divorce, like this is ridiculous. They're taking something macro, something that you signed up for failed relationship, and celebrating it, not sedition, not Islamic, right. So again, do it with dignity, if it's if you have to do it, and make it a last resort. The other extreme is cultures where divorce is completely stigmatized, to such an extent that people stay in abusive and difficult relationships for life. Even though Islamically they had

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every right to get out. But there's so much stigma in those cultures to divorce, that if that person ever gets divorced, there's no way someone's ever going to propose to them or marry them. So they kind of like stuck in a marriage that they don't want.

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This is not an Islamic culture either. If you look at the lifestyle of the prophets, Allah Islam and the Sahaba, they did not divorce easily in a way where you know like it and can do better or, you know, I'm not feeling it today. Or we enjoyed three weeks, let's just divorce. I mean, there were some who did but most of them did not.

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Rather the normal culture was that people got married and they tried to make the marriage work. If it didn't work out, they got divorced with dignity, and then they married someone else. There was no stigma attached to the divorce woman, that this woman is divorced and nobody should marry her. Or this man is divorced. Nobody should marry him. But really unfortunately the stigma in these cultures are more on women and men at the end of the day, if someone is a righteous person, and they are trying to live a good life, and they fear Allah and they understand that the Islamic roles of the husband and wife, it doesn't matter if they were divorced. Right

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still give them a chance when you're looking for a spouse, because it could be that they learned a lot of beneficial lessons from their previous marriage, that will make them an even better spouse today than if they were not in that situation. Right. So we don't want to go to the extreme, where we stigmatize everyone who has been divorced, because some people are divorced for things that are not their fault. I mean, if someone's spouse was beating them up every day, it's not their fault that they got a divorce, they deserve a second chance in marriage, right.

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But we don't want to go to the other extreme, where people are just divorcing for silly reasons and for no reason. And because they feel like doing so rather, we want to treat it as something that is more cruel, something that's a that you avoid, unless you have no alternative. But at the same time, we don't want to look down upon people who have been divorced, rather, they should be judged by the for marriage by the same criteria that everybody else, which is on their piety, and their

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role that they want to play in the Vantage.

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So some of the silly reasons we seeing in modern culture as to why people want to get divorced. Right, I'm seeing some really bizarre things in recent time. So in recent times, you have people saying things like, Oh, I got a divorce because I wanted to focus on myself, I wanted me time, like, since you wanted me time, take an hour of your day to have some tea or coffee or read a book, Why break up an entire marriage and, and violate a contract that is sacred in the sight of Allah Subhana Allah because he wanted me time. This is a result of hyper individualism, where a person is so individualistic, and so caught up in their own self and their own knifes that they in a way we start

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to worship themselves, that they see the ego as the most important thing in the world. Marriage is give and take, yes, you need to make time for yourself. But that's like an hour a day or an hour every two or three days. It's not where you break up an entire marriage so that you can be free and independent and focused on yourself. That's not an Islamic way of thinking about life. Or about marriage should be way of this modern trend where people are getting a divorce because they want to focus on themselves. You can focus on yourself while you are mattered. It's just a matter of finding balance and finding time, right. And I've seen people and perfectly good marriages over this reason,

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which I find silly and bizarre. Really, it's silly, and it's bizarre, and it's childish. It's very childish, that a grown person in their 30s or 40s, who's married to someone who's fulfilling all the rights says that they want to divorce because they want to be alone and they want to focus on themselves. This has nothing to do with Islam. It's it's a very anti Slavic mindset. And it stems from hyper individualism. We are not a hyper individualistic culture, we are a Ummah centric culture, do not give preference to your own ego over the rights of others. Likewise, we have people who want a divorce because they want to be independent. We know in Islam,

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a woman

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is under the authority of a husband, right? Some women don't want this, they want to be independent, they want to do what they want when they want. So they want to get a divorce for this reason.

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And this is due to the influence of feminism that has tricked women into thinking that happiness comes from being independent.

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It does not. Happiness comes from pleasing Allah subhanho wa taala. Happiness comes from having a closer relationship with your Creator. And you are more likely to do that in a marriage that is pleasing to Allah than in a independent, single life that is focused on your nafs

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that you may think that being independent will make you happy. But this is not an Islamic way of looking at life.

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In Islam, we are not meant to be independent, we are meant to be interdependent. What does interdependent means? It means that I can take care of myself. I rely on my wife for certain things. I rely on my community for certain things. I rely on my customers for certain things. I rely on my children for certain things and that's fine. And they rely on me for certain things, that technically we all have the capability of taking care of ourselves, but we don't because we are a community.

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Learn to value interdependence over independence. Interdependence means that maybe yes, you have the capabilities of going at it alone. But why should you? We're not meant to be alone. Allah did not create us to be alone to be lonely creatures living alone and doing everything on He created us to be part of families to be part of societies. So aim for interdependence, not independence.

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interdependence means, once again, it means that yes, you have the capabilities to do it alone. But you choose not to, because you see the value in people to helping each other out that I provide certain things for my wife that makes her happy, and she provides other things for me that we can be happy. And could we provide those things for ourselves? Yes. But we don't need to lie because Allah has created a system of interdependence. And the standard, the only one who is truly independent is Allah subhanho wa taala. One of Allah's names is an oni, the independent, the one who depends on nothing and no one. Humans cannot be independent. We depend on Allah subhanho, wa taala, for

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everything, even for our breath, even for our heartbeat, even for our life force, we are always dependent on someone, you may think you're independent, you depend on your customers will depend on the support of your community, you depend on the love and support of your friends, nobody is independent. So don't give up a perfectly decent marriage. Because you bought into this feminist dream, that happiness comes from Independence, it does not. Happiness comes from pleasing Allah subhanho wa taala. When you live a life that is pleasing to Allah, He will put Baraka in your life.

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So be very wary of these ideas. Number three,

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be careful of this modern idea of the grass being greener on the other side. And what I mean by this is many people who are in perfectly functional, happy, normal marriages, they go online, they go on social media. And they see all of these people who are either happily single or divorced, or people who seem to have much better marriages that there may be people who are traveling all the time, whose spouse is always spoiling them on social media. And they get tricked by this delusion into thinking that maybe if I was like them, I'd be happier, maybe I can do better. Maybe I'd be happier alone. Maybe if I divorced this person, I can get an even better husband or even better Wi

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Fi Allah.

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If you're married to a decent person who fulfills your rights, and is trying their best. Make the marriage work, be content with what Allah has provided you with. Be content with the spouse that Allah has provided you with, do not throw away a perfectly decent marriage for a pipe dream of I could do better.

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There are many, many people who have done that and regretted it. There are many people who threw away a perfectly good spouse thinking they could do better only to realize what they had was already better for them. And sometimes it's too late to go back to it.

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Sorry about that.

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Sophia, Allah, understand

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that what Allah has provided you what is best for you. And a lot of these things out there that seem on social media to be better, it's often delusion. Many of these couples are putting up this cute happy marriage type of posts on Tiktok and Instagram. Many of them are miserable. They only showing you one side of the marriage because it makes them famous. Don't look at these famous couples to as your model of what a marriage should be. Average marriage is much more.

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It's much more mediocre and boring compared to what is coupled show that that's not a realistic goal for marriage to be like what you see on Instagram or Tiktok. The same with many of these people who are posting about being happily divorced or happily single.

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Maybe they are maybe they're not. But it doesn't mean you will be doesn't mean you should give up a good marriage so that you can be happily divorced. You should focus on being happily married, that is better for you. That is the lives that Allah wants was, again, going back to the goals of marriage in Islam is to make sure that people have Halal relationships, why would you give up a perfectly decent Halal relationship to be alone.

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You're giving up that which is better for that which is less. So I'm not saying that those people who are single or divorced are not happy. Sometimes people have to find happiness in that situation because it's the only way for them to move forward with their lives. But it doesn't mean other people need to get divorced to be happy. Because Allah created your spouse to be your source of happiness. So don't be deluded. Don't be deluded by these modern ideologies hyper individualism, feminism, greed, jealousy, the idea that you can always do better.

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Put this aside, if you have a good spouse, someone who fears Allah, someone who's trying their best, someone who's doing their best to fulfill your right somebody who genuinely cares about you. NEVER truly that marriage for these petty reasons. It all

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means come back to haunt you there is more harm and more recreated and throwing away a good marriage than there is any good in it right it's like Allah gave you a gift and you threw that gift away that's what it is it's like Allah gave you a gift and you try to give it away because you think you can do better