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4 Ways To Attract Your Spouse

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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Episode Transcript

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If you think that attracting your spouse only has to do with being more fit or more buff, you're only 25%. Right? So that means if you would take a test and you got to 25%, you would fail the test. So I'm going to share with you the four aspects, the four things that you need to know, to win over your spouse. Salaam aleikum. So what is the first thing first, you have the physical attraction that we all know about, right? There has to be some level of attraction. And many people stopped caring, you know, the first few years, they may be very careful about how they're looking at home, how they're presenting themselves, and then little by little people stop caring that attraction is

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important. And we need to continuously work on ourself to be the very best version of ourself. And there are four ways. So the physical aspect, when you take care of yourself, when you're at your best, what's going to happen is that you feel better, you have higher self esteem. And when you feel good about yourself, you're going to have more to offer. And that attraction is important, but it's only 25% of it the second or so we have the physical, then it's the intellectual, there needs to be a stimulating conversation, you have to have things in common, you have to have ways that you can connect with one another, I have many clients that complain that they really cannot connect with

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their spouse, it may be that they're in a particular field and their spouse shows no interest, there's not even an asking not even an attempt to understand where their spouse is coming from what they're interested in what they're doing. So it's so important to find some common interests. And if you don't naturally have it, you may be in very different walks of life, you may be doing very different things. One is, you know, maybe as a physician, the other is a teacher, and you may not have the similar interest, but you can show that interest, you can learn more about it. And when you have that intellectual connection, that will strengthen your relationship. Third, is emotional,

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there has to be an emotional attraction. And the emotional attraction is how do you make your spouse feel right when they're with you. So many clients will complain about the fact that they will complain that, you know, my spouse doesn't spend much time with me. They're always either at work, they're either on their phone, they're with their friends or at the mosque. And I asked them, How do you make them feel when they are with you? So when they are sitting with you, when you are finally going out together? What do you talk about? How do you make them feel? Do you make them feel appreciated? Do you make them feel like you're interested in them? And it's how you make a person

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feel that will make them be attracted to you. So that attraction is so on so many different levels? So tell me, what do you feel is the best way that what you can do? What can you do to be more attractive now? Now, the fourth is the spiritual connection, right? We are naturally connected with people that have the same beliefs and values, right? So if you feel like you're working towards a common cause, you are working towards Genda together you are trying to the to raise your kids or be the best version of yourself when you have that. That is a form a strong form of connection. So most of the people will think that it's just the physical attraction, right? So we said it's physical, it

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is the intellectual, it is the emotional and then it is actually the spiritual as well. So let's see how can we apply this in our relationships and I have seen people transform their lives. I've been working with couples for the past 24 years and work with 1000s of people at very different stages of their lives. It could be they were doing premarital, and they wanted to know how to have a good relationship there could be coming in the first few years or it could be on a brink of divorce when they have given up all hope. And I can tell you that when they start addressing these things when a person starts being the best version of themselves when they feel like you know what, it's not just

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about pointing the finger a lot of times people just point the finger is like you know, my spouse he just he just needs to change she's the problem she needs to change. But when you take responsibility and you say you know what, I want to be my best and how can I be my best if you need to get out there and be more active if you need to eat right you are doing that for yourself. Don't have you know don't be resentful about it. Don't be resentful and think that like oh, I got to do this for my head do it. First and foremost. First do it for Allah sake. Because your body is an Amana you take care of your body. Then you are saying thank you to Allah you're saying and hamdulillah thank you

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for this amazing body you've given me I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to be at my best and when you're at your best when you feel you're going to feel great about yourself. You're going to want to spend time with your spouse because you are feeling good then

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The intellectual never stop learning, right? Because there's some people will tell me Well, I run out of things to say with my spouse. And that I would pretty much guess is that maybe you're not reading, maybe you're not taking new classes, maybe you're not exploring new things. As you explore as you learn as you take classes, you're going to have things to share with your spouse. So never ever stop learning, and feed your mind. And when you have, you have all this information you're learning and experiencing, and you share it with your spouse, they're going to find you so interesting, you're not going to just sit there and like, have nothing to share, have something

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interesting to share all the time and emotionally ask yourself, How do I make my spouse feel? Do I make them feel appreciated? Why do I make them feel like they are valued? Am I giving them the love and the attention that they need, because if you're not doing that, if when they are like spending time with you, they are just basically feeling criticized, if you're being if you're criticizing your spouse, if you're always saying how they're not doing things, then obviously, they're not going to want to spend time with you, and they're not going to be very attracted to you. Because we are attracted to people who make us feel good, right. So if you know, if you learn how to light up your

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spouse's life, right, you know how to give them a compliment and be genuine, right? Say something that makes them feel happy, say something that makes them feel like wow, they really, they appreciate who I am, when you do that, then your spouse is not going to be able to get enough of you, that doesn't matter how many decades you've been together, right? You can find people who've been married for decades, sometimes 4050 years, and they still, they still enjoy their spouse more than any other person because that other person knows how to light them up. So if you learn how to light up your spouse, right, make them just appreciated and point out their good qualities, then

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that is going to be a way that they're going to be attracted to you. And then spiritually, make sure that you have the common interest, you have the beliefs, the values, and when you connect on a spiritual level. Now, whether that is you decide to pray together, whether it's going to the mosque, or whether you're doing acts of charity, whatever it is that you do together as a couple, and it's strengthening your spiritual connection, then you're going to be so much more attracted. The problem is when people start living as roommates, they're disconnected. They're not really they're not connecting on all these different levels. So if you make an attempt to connect on a physical level,

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on an emotional level, on a intellectual level, and spiritually, then you are going to have that, you know, you're going to reignite that fire. So Tommy, if you have any questions, what first of all, are you going to walk away with in this talk? What are you going to apply? So maybe, maybe some of you have been very careful about, you know, the spiritual connection, maybe always prayed together. And maybe there's an intellectual connection, but you haven't really cared about how you're making your spouse feel, right? A lot of people overlook that. So what are you walking away with? What are you committed to doing and bringing into your relationship, because it's so easy to

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point the finger at your spouse and say, you know, what you need to change, it's them. It's her, it's him. But I want you to take the responsibility. This is what I teach on the five pillars of marriage, our marriage program, which is all about the first and foremost, you got to take responsibility of yourself, you come in and you feel good about yourself, and you're ready to come into the relationship ready to give and then your spouse will not be able to get enough of you inshallah. So what are you walking away with. And if you need some free resources that we have, if you go to holla banani.com, under courses, then what you can do is get some free video training,

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there is the free PDF, I want to help you I want to help you have a better relationship before you throw in the towel before you call it quits. I encourage you, I encourage you to take some efforts to develop these four ways of attracting your spouse and it will be wonderful. It's nice to have you all to join in. I know that it's it's a tough time right now. So many people are on a brink of divorce people who've had good relationships, people have been married sometimes for decades. They're really, really struggling right now. And it might be that you've just lost sight. You've lost sight of taking care of yourself of taking responsibility of what you contribute to the

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relationship. So let's make a new commitment. Let's make a commitment that we're going to put the focus on ourselves, okay. We're going to make the effort to do our best and to win our spots over and do it without that, you know, don't don't keep score, don't keep track and be like okay, well I did this and you know he did this

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See any appreciate it and he didn't do it back for me, I want you to give wholeheartedly for the sake of Allah, you know the motto I like to live by, and I like to teach my clients and I've been doing this for, like I said 24 years with 1000s of people around the world, the same methodology of live and love with a higher purpose. And that higher purpose is pleasing Allah, when you do things to please Allah, and you give to your spouse, whether it's complements, whether it's love, whether it's you, you know, you just giving your spouse a morsel of food with your head that that's it's charity, right? So when you make it all about pleasing Allah, then you're going to be more

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motivated. It's not about them. It's not what they're doing. It's not how they reciprocate. But it's about, you know, is Allah, please with me, and I'm going to do it for Allah sake. Right? Some people can just be surface level practicing. And then some are very, very adamant about their practices. If you try to focus on what you have in common, that is a very important principle to always remember, what do we have in common? What do we focus on instead of, you know, I think within our communities, we focus a lot on the differences, whatever it is, it could be different cultures, it could be different, different sex, but try to focus on what is it that we have in common, and focus on that.

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So that will, that will definitely help. And, you know, that's why it's so important when you're choosing that spouse to find someone if that is really important to you, right. And I see, there are some people that their culture is very important, their language is very important. And then they marry someone outside of their culture. And then they struggle with it throughout their life. So if something is very, very important to you, that you feel like you know what, I can't live without this thing, make your choice. Be very careful about your choices. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're constantly going to be bothered by something. All right? How do we find things in

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common? Well, you can ask, right? It's really important. It's the when you are trying to find the right spouse, what you ask how you how you see him in different environments, right? So if you're able to go with whether it's with family with a group of friends, I'm not saying to do like one on one time together, but if you're able to see him in different circumstances, and you see how they handle different things in their life, how do they deal with disappointment? How do they deal with let's say, the waiter getting their order wrong? How do they treat other people and ask those critical questions, find out what they what they value, right, many clients will tell me that they

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had no idea what what their spouse valued and like, it's basically Are you from the right country, right? It's like, okay, you're from I don't know, you're from Pakistan, and you're a doctor. Great. We're gonna make a great couple. Right? It's, it takes a lot more than that. Yeah. You're you're also Moroccan and, and you know, you you know, the family. It takes a lot more than that. It's not just about being from the same country. But sometimes people are from the same family and they can't get along, right. So find out about the person find out what is it that they value in life? What did they see like in 510 years from now? Where do they see their lives? Right? So that is what's

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important. Take the time to ask those important questions. And if you need some free resources, go to holla banani.com. Under courses, we have to to help you. So it's like a love affair for tuning in and I pray that Allah instills that beautiful attraction on all levels in our marriages, salaam alaikum.