Life after divorce – How to live it

Edris Khamissa


Channel: Edris Khamissa

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The host discusses the weight of divorce and the importance of women in the political world, including a former head teacher who was under pressure to give women ownership of their lives. They also talk about a woman who lost her life in a hospital and had a difficult time walking. The importance of not searching for oneself in the future and reflecting on the past to make a difference is emphasized, as well as the emotional toll of the COVID-19 pandemic on people and their families. They stress the need to learn to live consciously, take ownership of one's own lives, and be honest in one's life. They also emphasize the importance of forgiveness and bringing others to "we."

Transcript ©

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had the first meeting of maca, maca and we were discussing who's going to talk about what? When it came to the subject of divorce. They were saying everything's too heavy in this program and I was like the subject of divorce is heavy too, but I know somebody who can tackle it with some humor yet with meaning, and that is none other than uncle Idris camisa. he counseled me during my third marriage.

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We used to meet we used to meet him and he knows the fact that he got divorced is not his fault. Okay. Okay, so it is Cammisa is an international consultant in Education and Human Development. He began his career as a teacher of English. Everybody knows him as the principal of alpha Law School. His passion and expertise for the subject culminated in his nomination as the chairman of the English society of South Africa. He has been a head teacher of three schools. He was an advisory member of the International Board of educational research and resources. And he is the co author, the author of their manual for schools. He's also the co author of The Art of public speaking,

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public speaking, embrace the joys of public speaking and premarital conversations and beyond. His expertise is in self development and curriculum design. His creativity made him a dynamic Lecturer in didactic and methodology at the International Peace University of South Africa. And I just want to tell you, one of his favorite expressions is I like it and he even has a sticker

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with his face, and I like it that I'll post in the group later. Okay, so he's gonna address the topic life after divorce, how to live it and please don't blame women. Number one, because this is the woman's only audience

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Can you just help

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a person

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yeah, yeah. Anyway, late on Monday

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Okay, okay

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Oh, okay. Okay.

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Anyway, in the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful, the Lord of All the Worlds to whom we belong, to whom is our return, and make his choices blessings go to the highest of Allah's creation, our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most generous in companionship, the most gentle in speech, indeed, the most eloquent ambassador to humanity at large as salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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As a public speaker,

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I'm acutely aware of the trust there, Amanda, given when you're asked to address people,

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and I want to tell you this, and if you do, ask me what legacy I want to leave behind, I hope, I really hope that someday when you meet me long after this interaction, you will say to me, You know what, some things you said, changed my life. And that's very, very important. Words matter. Words are very, very important. The previous speaker gave such a wonderful presentation, I was enriched by it. And I want to share a number of things with you. I've got about 27 points here. But Allah knows, right, Allah knows what will happen, right? Because if I don't do it, my wife lost me. How was your speech as a baby, I didn't like it.

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Right. And now I want to tell you this. And I want to begin really by acknowledging Fatima Zahra and the group Marian, for the sterling work that they are doing. They started this work when there was so much of resistance, and I support all of you for what you do. You're doing Allah's work here. You're giving people hope. Now, this is a very important thing. You see, psychologists have said that if you do not change within 48 hours after a presentation, it's unlikely you're going to change. It's unlikely you're going to change. And that's important. And nobody please believe me, my beloved sisters, I love you for the sake of Allah

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Nobody, nobody can take ownership of your life. You cannot be a spectator in your life. You cannot adopt a victim mentality. Nothing happened except for the will of Allah. Nothing happens. When the sister spoke early on, I remembered a saying that I came across, it resonates with me today, it resonated yesterday, it continued to resonate with me, it is happiness is self inflicted and not created by others. You expect nothing from anyone. And Allah tells you, He will not give you a burden you cannot bear. And I just share with you something I heard the other day.

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There was a person they have a program in America, United States of America. I like it better, right. So anyway, so in America, they have a, they have a program called Islam 101, where they speak to people of other faiths about Islam. And the person during this presentation said, Hey, as I was speaking, I could see from the corner of my eye. There were two girls, they were cuddling each other. And he asked, Are they lesbians? I don't know. But he was preoccupied with it. And he learned they were lesbians. But what happened? Look at the story, one of them her name was Kelly. She embraced Islam Some months later, whenever it was, she embraced Islam. And she said, it was not

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difficult to wear hijab, it was not difficult for me to give a POC, it was not difficult for me to read five times a day prayer. But it was very difficult for me to wean myself from the same sex attraction. But could what she said, Look at what she said. And it's a reminder to us, those of us born in this faith. He said, when I came across the fact that Allah says You cannot, he will not give you a burden that you cannot bear. That he said, If God the Almighty said that, then I'm sure I can bear it. That was a tipping point for her. Sometimes in your situation. And my heart goes out to you, my beloved sisters, I'm not here to pontificate or sermonize, my heart goes out to you because

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I deal with this every day, I could not come early on because to deal with the situation. This program is taking place at the time when the OMA is bleeding is taking place that time when we become very, very sad people, it has come at a time, we are not optimistic and like before, we should be because you have not reached the end in the road. But the bend in the road, you got to understand that you got to say to yourself, you have an opportunity, yes, you have an opportunity to contribute to leave a legacy. One of my friends who had Nadi

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May Allah grant in the high status in Jannah came from a very dramatic, he had an organization called in the UK, radical middle way. He's the one that introduced many of the speakers to the Western world. And I told him about a book. The book was, who will cry when you die. And the subtitle is, lead your life in such a way that when you were born, you cried people were smiling, but that when you die, you are smiling, people are crying. You know, jokingly also say to people, do you know why books are cheap in India? Anyone know?

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Because copyright means I had the right to copy.

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Anyway, that's by the way, right? So so he said to me, Idris

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I'm enjoying myself here. I'm very relaxed. I hope you're relaxed also. Right? So he said to me, my father said to me, my beloved son, when you are born,

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we had no idea as to who would celebrate your birth, but you are in complete control as to who will mourn your loss. So what I'm saying to you, my beloved sisters, before it's too late, to live consciously and with intentionality, have personal goals in life, bring joy to someone, because empires are built in the hearts of people. It reminds me of the words of Rumi was to this effect. Do not search for me in the graveyards, but search for me in the hearts of people. Are you bringing joy to others? Every moment is important and never say why me why me Allah why me Allah?

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In I just shared with you three incidents, maybe four, right? The one incident was there was a young boy who was drowning, and he was saved by someone a passerby.

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I saved him. So this young boy when he came around, and he said to him, you know, I have no idea how I can thank you for what you have done. This man was sagacious, a very wise man. He said to him, young boy, I pray when you're much older. And when you look back at what happened today, you can say with conviction that my life was worth saving. So I want you to reflect a bit, reflect a bit, and ask yourself, in the end, when you leave this world,

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other people could pray for you. What legacy you want to leave behind? Have you made a difference to your life first, to the lives of other people?

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This is a very important fundamental question.

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It's never too late. And I want you to understand that. And you know, we talk about emotional intelligence, which is such an important attribute is learned behavior. And you find it in the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. And that she had three incidents, just three incidents.

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When the visa Laude was salam buried his own Sunni Bramalea salaam, the Sahaba were surprised that he was crying.

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So and he said to them, the eyes we was to this effect, the heart grieves, but the tongue will not say anything that is displeasing to Allah.

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We know sometimes no grief, be wary. But what you say

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when you angry, be ready. Anger is a natural emotion. Be wary, but what you say, you know, people find it hard to believe they see these don't you get angry with your wife? I say it's a rare phenomenon. I don't remember when last again. I got angry. And if I do get angry with our teller, my Dally.

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I'm angry. Then. Why should I scream my anger? I'm angry finish. It's over. That's it, right? Because words are important, my friends. They really matter. words but use putting words and not snarling words. I'll give you another example. Tamil Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. There was a person there. You gave him a bunch of grapes. He must have heard the story, right? So he took the first grape.

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He ate it. It took a second and he flees the whole bunch. The Sahaba were surprised that he never shared it with them. And when he left, look at what he said. When I took the first grape it was bitter. I feared if I offered it to you, you might have shown your displeasure. Just look at that. About sensitivity. We are human beings men. We are human beings. And I find it so unacceptable. I find it so unacceptable. The kind of messy divorces that we have today. I find it so unacceptable. The cover dice of many people I find is so unacceptable that even in laws cannot support the doctors in law. When they go into the situation. I find it very very unacceptable.

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I will not forget I will not forget this one lady phoned me up once she said to me, brother Idris I have a problem. But my husband will never see you. I want to see you. I see okay, my sister. The next day she sent me a message she says I cannot come and see you because my husband broke my legs I mean hospital.

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You see, my friends?

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I don't want to paint

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a black picture of men generally. I'm not suggesting that all our sisters are angels also. Right? It takes two people to make a happy home. It takes two people to make a sad home. Right? But this is importantly see. It's important to understand, painful though it is that we are living in a very fleeting world. The COVID reminded us of our mortality, and our frailty and our fragility.

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We are the tears.

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But there is condemnation. Where is the hugging? But these distances?

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Where is the generosity, except selfishness and condescension. It's all gone.

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The other day, I went to help her family

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and her sons were sitting there and she was crying out to them and say, you know, I'll do anything for you. I'll do it for your children. But none of y'all ever invite me home. You know, none of y'all do this. He was crying. But the old said to the hands folded. I said to your mother, run to her. Hug her

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Oh, that is natural. I will not be SallAllahu wasallam. In fact, I want to write a book The romantic prophet. He was. He was expressive. That's what we need. We need support. The point is sister made that after your husband passed away, no one comes home. This is the reality. People are living in their own worlds. So the few things I want to share with you the last incident the term of Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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One day hasn't really came in merci Salah Nabi SallAllahu sallam said worst effect is what happened to you. Today. He says, Well, I was on my way rushing for Salah. In front of me, there was a fragile frame and walking, I feared if I went past him quickly, or precisely, I would have reminded him of his mortality. Therefore I held back

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to be self aware. So what I'm gonna suggest to all of you is the following my beloved sisters, I want you to start loving yourself. You got to love yourself. You are unique. There is no one like you. You are unique. You had people tell me if there is you don't know how happy we are to see you. I see every morning I look at the mirror. I say the same thing. I say. No, yes. I said, I said Averys. I like it. This is what you want. You got to love yourself men. Not in an arrogant way. Whatever. You know, I mean, like, You got to love yourself. I want all of you to say I love yours. I love me. Not

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that okay.

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No, no, you must say you really you got to start loving yourself. Remember, we don't have a punitive, vengeful Allah there. We don't have that Allah there. Hey, what you may regard as a tragedy may be a step towards your Jana. Please, you got to understand that Allah loves you. Please believe me, Allah loves you. You must understand that He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. You know, there is an example if I'm correct. One day someone passed and the Sahaba said, How fortunate is this man should not be still allowed. He was salam said we're to this effect. He would only be tested when he goes down.

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You see, for some people, wealth is a blessing. And for others, wealth is a curse.

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So I want you to live consciously and say, You know what? I want the rest of my life to be meaningful, meaningful. Let me reconnect with my family members. Let me reconnect with my neighbors. Let me start a particular program, uplifting and connecting with other people. Yes, loss is loss. divorce can be traumatic. And you know what psychologists often say? They say revealing is healing is cathartic. Right? Otherwise you're going to implode, talk about it. Talk about have good friends, even our NABI sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said was to this effect, there is no good Indian will neither be friends or is befriended. So you got to make friends. You got to make friends, you got to

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connect with the right kind of people. And you've got to say to yourself, you know what? Remember, remember this, in the end, you know what you might look back. And this is also important. Your pass is a point of reference and not your residence. Remember that your past is a point of reference, and you're not your residence. Your past is a point of reference, and not your residence. You cannot live in the past. You got to reinvent your past. You got to make your mistakes, flourish as positive things so others do not make the same mistakes. And that is important. And never ever, ever think that your future is going to be bleak. Never, ever think. Remember this attitude. You own your own

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attitude. I get up in the morning I say to myself, hey, three's hazard. You're going to be happy today. Yes. And nobody please believe me. No one can make you feel small without your permission. Nobody, right? We may be living in a chauvinistic roll. You'll be living at a time and people demean you. But in the eyes of Allah, you are special creation. You are jewels. You know if I asked my wife, there was a lady section and the main section there was Idris. He said he was the ladies section

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and asked him what is he doing? He says making sure no intermingling.

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I like it. I love it. Yes. Right. Right. So So what I'm saying to you, I'm saying this to my beloved sisters, and I mean this

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All right. So I mean this. And before I continue just to show of hands, how many of you, I really could make a difference? I going to really consciously take ownership of your life. Put your hands up, please.

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If you can split personality good, put your hands up.

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Now, please, because you're gonna regret it please, you got to do it. You got to do it. Yes, two hands up there, right? No, you have to do it. You must do it. You have to do it. Right. Okay, let me see my notes

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right. So so the whole thing is this.

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Right? You must simply assume for one moment, if you do all of these things, I promise you,

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you will be able to cope with any trauma.

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When you take ownership, remember,

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this divorce, you lost someone

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that's a part of your life.

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After divorce, it does not mean you should not remarry. It does not mean that all men are bad, right? It does not mean that my life is over. It is not. It is not over. It is not over. In fact, I know of situations when people had the best years of their life after divorce, when they made a significant contribution, they became healers to others help others to cope with this trauma. Otherwise, remember this, you can either have a vicious cycle or a virtuous cycle, a cycle of self pity, go sitting one corner, depressed you the head down, you know, when you sit down like this, doing nothing visit, you know, somebody I came across halfway through Allah knows, they say on

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average, if you have five friends on average, is unlikely you'll have depression, because at all times you're talking to them, right? And remember this, this is also important, right? Also important. No one owes you a living. Forget about people's in sensitivities, forget if your in laws have forgotten you, whatever it is, right. Remember and the title, the subtitle, you're not alone. I saw it, I thought it was very evocative, you're not alone because Allah is with you. Allah has not forsaken you Allah is not forsaken you right. And we spoke about children, the problem today is sort of making children

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Allah confident, we are making themselves confident, we need to change our paradigm Inshallah, right. So the other things that is also very important, very fundamental, is when you there is nothing wrong on reflection, nothing wrong or looking back at your life, and look at it and be objective, look at the good things that have taken place and look at your own mistakes, there will be a path of self discovery also. So that when you get into marriage, again, you do not carry the same baggage. Are you suffering from post traumatic stress disorder? Right? And the two other things that I want to mention to all of you is this, right?

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Who is holding you back from finding happiness? Ask that question. Who is holding you back?

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So all of you, I'm holding you, you. I mean, you're

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you're in you're holding yourself. I'll tell you why. I want to I want you if you get a chance, right? Look at the regrets of the day. It's a pretty positive but 10 Regrets they have right I had most

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of the time. Yeah, I had my own

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right, because I'm sure they didn't want to say the Risha, you know so it's okay.

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Why did I allow this one person to sabotage my life?

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I should have had better friends. I should have learned to say no. I should have taken ownership of my life. I should have prayed more. I should not have been obsessed with work. I talking about that. You must lead a balanced life. Yes, a balanced life. You understand? It's not about looking pretty. How's the dog?

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Right? No, yeah, but they got a good mind, body and soul. In the end, Allah will look into the word heart to come back to him with feel happy. One of the critical ways of all healing yourself after divorce is to have a sense of generosity.

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Hey, because in the end, it's very easy to blame everyone else to say nasty things about that nasty person that you are married to inverted commas, right? Like it is let don't spew when

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them, right? Have a generosity of heart. And the best way of healing is to help others, the best way of healing is to bring a smile to someone else's face. And that's very, very important. Very, very critical. The other critical aspect is this. In the end, only Allah knows what the future is, right? Tomorrow may be your last day on this earth, right?

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There are two things. One is called interpersonal relationships. The other one is interpersonal relationships. Are you a negative person? Are you a kind of person for every solution, you'll find a problem? Who are you? It's also that who are you? Who are you? And that's important. For example, I remember I was helping this couple. And I knew what made me do this. See? So I said to both of them, they were there. There was tension at home, right? I said, I want you to cut through the window. What can you see?

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Looking out from a small window. They never saw the same things. The man said, I can see one street lamp and three birds. And she said, I can see freedom. Look at the difference. You see? Because it is that what's inside your heart that manifests when you are happy when you look at the waves is lilting rocking waves. If you are sad, you only look at this receding waves. Right? Right. So I want to just say to all of you, right, you know, there is a sister, may Allah

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bless her and very close to the family. So and her husband was a dear friend of mine. He passed away. So Astor,

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how you doing? He said the DUA that I made. See Ya Allah, you gave me such a happy, happy marriage.

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Let my separation also be a happy one.

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And, and she is it has a sister says but acceptance. You could accept it completely. Completely, completely. Right? That's a very, very important thing. And remember, in the end, no one stops your life except yourself. No one stops your life. except yourself. Right? Okay. How many more minutes? I got?

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15. And we're just warming up Yemen.

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Like, okay, right. Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question. Right? Okay, who are you?

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Kids here? Who are you?

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An Isa. Okay. Now, what did I ask them?

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They asked him, What's your name?

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Uh huh. I got you, right.

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I'm so clever. And all right.

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No, and this is very important. I'll tell you what, why that question is important. I asked the question wherever I go. With Allah's blessing, I won't say it anyway.

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Wherever I go, you ask the person who are you given the name? I send us your name. Who are you a missile? So as soon as you marry? Who are you? I'm Dr. Nassif, you're a doctor. The best answer I've got and perhaps EA in it is your answer. The best answer I got, I am nothing but the humble servant of Allah.

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The I am nothing but a humble servant of Allah. Every day before you go to bed, ask yourself was I hum? Was I a humble servant of Allah?

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is not so much also your public persona is also who you are at home. Right? I'm a humble servant of Allah. And that's very, very important. Right? The other thing that is also very, very critical is this. Learn new skills,

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learn new skills, open your mind. Hey, read the seerah find out but other people go to other people, then you realize, you know what, if I see it in perspective, my grief is not as serious as other people. You understand? So that's very, very important. Right? So the two things that I want to mention. And then yeah, Humor. Humor is important. It's important. You know, you got to have a sense of humor. Right? Tell me when you go for a function. They don't ask you sisters. I often ask my wife this. If you go for a function

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and you are you don't know the others around the table. Do you engage them in a conversation? Lie is you

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my wife is good for wrong functions in

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Dr. MDF, you're Be honest with me. How many of you have you know what I'm stuck here? I promise my wife will give me a moving target and move here but then you

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I'm so witty like anyway.

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How many of you be honest, when you go for a function? You speak to the people around you? You do?

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A what a Allah.

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I'll do that. Okay. Okay. It's a special group Fatima Chang, the REL 10. Okay to train them well, right. Okay. Right. So that on the end of the three things Inshallah, right? The one thing is this.

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I would like you to confront yourself.

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Be honest, confront yourself.

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confront yourself, do self reflection, right? And ask yourself this question, right? And remember this. In the end, no one can fight your demons except yourself.

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You know, what keeps you awake at night, isn't it? You know what the image people have of you, you know, your own image. So confront yourself, be honest. confront yourself, and sit down

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and confront yourself

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with Allah, talk to him?

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Do you know one of the things that I do? Not that I am perfect, is before I give my talk, I always seek Allah's guidance. And when I stand up here in front of you,

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I will say Allah,

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I'm not fit to speak to the sisters. Yeah. You know, what's in the heart? You know, the pain. Give me words that I could connect with each one of them. And if my talk goes, well, I will know to tell me, if it goes badly give someone courage to tell me so I can improve?

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You understand? Right? So that's one confront yourself. The second important thing is this. Ask yourself this question is very this question.

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If I were to live the 20 that is whatever. Right? Okay. What will be my regrets? Think about it. What will be my regrets? Five years, 10 years? What what will be my regrets? Write it down.

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Because ask yourself, if I know these are going to be my five regrets. Do something about it now. Right. The third important thing is this, which is also very, it's fundamental. It's about forgiveness.

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Forgiving your spouse, your ex spouse is very important. It is liberating. It I'm not saying or speak to him, you know, I'm missing it too much, you know?

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Right, right. Right. Right. You know what, forgiveness is liberating. It's very, very important that you forgive people right now, and who are the people? Who are the people that leave a true legacy behind? Who are the people who are the people that when they when they die, people say good things, you know, who are they? Who are the kind people, generous people, compassionate people, people say that person made a difference to me, when you help someone when no one is watching except ALLAH, when you help that person and when you are present, when you are present, and that's very, very important, my friends, that at any given time, you cannot be present, present. What do I mean by

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present? I don't mean just physically I mean emotionally present, be present, be present, be present, and I would like you Inshallah, when you go get back home to write down three or four things you need to do differently and remember habits are not easy to embrace especially if they are new habits consciously do it and seek Allah's guidance and I have no doubt inshallah through that it will make a difference right. And you know, I was just coming from home right and came from home I normally

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come from home

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my my wife and I you know, we

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when I just had to make a note on YouTube this one right? I love you my darling.

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It's true. It's true. Good point. Yeah. I will honestly say I came from another home where a couple were having a fight

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Yeah, that you don't believe me?

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No, no, no. You don't know me. You don't know me. Anyway, my wife and I have a ritual. And the ritual is that I told her

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that when I

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I leave home it could be a defining moment I may not come back and the questions are might ask you what were the parting was between you and your spouse might say you regret your mark off yeah.

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So so she she would wait she would wait at the door then I blow kisses at her

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so and then I'll drive around the road should we wait in the render do the same thing.

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Now a lot of ladies wait they say no not for you. It's only for my wife.

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So good to see some old friends, family. Allah bless you. Allah look after you and protect you. And remember this, remember this for the things you and I receive my show gratitude or make supper for the things you and I make supper for the other people or the parts of the world will take our suburb for them it will be gratitude. Remember that is relative, right? So I want you to be positive people inshallah. Take ownership. Become an avid reader, open your mind, reconnect with Allah. Inshallah, inshallah I have no doubt you will have a smile on your face

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okay, I suppose Christian to him would be if you've ever considered a side hustle in stand up comedy.