Breakups on the Rise Causes and Remedies

Dunia Shuaib

Channel: Dunia Shuaib

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ICNA 2018

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah salam wa alayhi wa sallam rubbish raheny sadri westerly emri agha melissani of Coco de me neurobiol alameen wa bene hablando Azhar Gina was reacting kurata ion with Jana, Lil mo tokina imama or Lord gift for us from amongst our spouses and our offspring to be the coolness of our eyes and allow us to lead the righteous emini era Bilal Ameen.

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So unfortunately, it's no secret that the divorce rate in our Muslim community is on the rise and has been for some time.

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As divorce and marital unhappiness becomes more prevalent. It's increasingly important for families, couples, and individuals to learn relationship skills.

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Why is it that we require training, learning for everything we want to do in life except for marriage?

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Why is it that if you want to go into any profession,

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there's education,

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university degrees, some kind of training, you even need training to work in a fast food restaurant. But no one is taught relationship skills, even though our relationships are half of our Deen. Even though we spend our entire lives,

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in relationships with different people, when we're born, we're in a relationship with our families, our parents, our siblings, our aunts, or uncles or cousins or community. And then we get married. And we're in a relationship with our spouse.

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And we're in that relationship for about 40 to 60 years. So how is it that we don't learn the proper tools,

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the proper skills to navigate in our relationships.

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And I know that having relationship issues, having marital unhappiness is one of the biggest tests that you can go through in this life. I know it's so difficult. I meet people every day. Just earlier in one of my sessions, a sister came to me in tears, can you help me with my marriage? I know it hurts.

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And that's why it's so important to learn these skills, and inshallah Today, I would like to share with you, I would like to teach each and every one of you one skill that will drastically improve the quality of your relationship and your overall happiness in sha Allah.

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And the great part about the skill that I'm going to teach you is that it's free.

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And you don't require anything but yourself.

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And so

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this skill is a skill that I'm going to call and that is called turning towards a bid of connection from your spouse. Now, I know that sounds kind of difficult and scary, but inshallah I'm going to break it down and explain to you, what does that mean? What is the bid, and what is turning towards.

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But first, let's have some background information. When researchers studied couples to see what made relationships successful, and what didn't, they discovered something very interesting. So they would take couples, mostly newlyweds, and they would put them in a room. And in that room, they would have cameras everywhere speakers, and they would actually monitor their blood pressure, their heart rate, they would also take blood and urine samples before and after. And so after all of this research, when they tried to study couples to see what made relationships successful, and what didn't, they discovered something very interesting. And that is that couples who paid attention to their spouses

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bid for connection. Now a bid for connection

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Any gesture, whether it's verbal or nonverbal, that one spouse does to get the attention of the other spouse. And bids show up in simple and not so simple ways. It could be something like a passing comments, or a wink, or something more direct, like a question.

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And so the couples that were happy and happily married, when they went through their lives did something very interesting.

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The researchers noticed that these couples noticed these bids, and responded to these bids that their spouse made

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at least 86% of the time that they were made.

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And then they found on the contrary, those who were unhappily married or divorced, only, on average responded to those bids for connection 33% of the time. And so one of the secrets to a happy and fulfilling marriage is turning towards your spouse instead of turning away. So what is turning towards and what is turning away?

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turning towards your spouse is simply responding in any way, even in the most simplest of ways to your spouse, for example, a wife might be doing the dishes, and there's a window in front of her. And she notices a beautiful bird. And she goes, john, Oh,

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look at that beautiful bird, Isn't it pretty? And the husband is on his laptop working or distracted with the TV or on his phone? He has two options. He can either stop what he's doing for a second look up and say, Mashallah, yeah, it is pretty, and go back to what he's doing. And that is what we call turning towards, or

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he can ignore that. Continue doing what he's doing on his phone, laptop, or watching the TV. And that is what we call turning away, not responding to that bid to get the attention.

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And so

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this research is really incredible, because it suggests that there's something that you and I can start doing today that will dramatically change the course of our relationships. And more importantly,

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it lets us know that there is something that we cannot do,

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that will cause our relationships to deteriorate. Right, and our relationships are What does anybody know that that I recited in the beginning? It's a beautiful day, that Allah subhanho wa Taala teaches us in the Quran, in Surah Furqan.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala in that section talks about a bad man,

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the servants of the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, and he lists qualities that these awesome beautiful, amazing servants have. One of those qualities is that these people, they make drama and they say, Rob banner have Glennon as you know, with Maria, Tina kurata ion with Jan Allen with dakini Mama, our Lord, gift us have Lana, that's very, very profound, that they use the word HIPAA, because HIPAA is a gift. They're calling their spouse and their children gifts from the Most Merciful, right? And so, this suggests that there's something that you can do to not take care of this gift that Allah subhanho wa Taala gave each and every one of us.

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And so that's huge because not only does our mental and social well being depends on the skill, but also our spiritual well being and our hereafter because our spouses and our children and our family members, their gifts from Allah subhana wa Tada. And when Allah gives us a gift, what is he asked us to do with it, take care of it, right. And so

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Insha Allah, I want to to share with you something that I thought was really interesting. And what I thought was really interesting that we didn't really need all this modern research and we didn't need marriage therapists to study relationships for the past 40 years for them to tell us this. Why? Because a loss of handle attalla also says In the end, that he sent for us a human, the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, as the most perfect and beautiful role model for both men and women. And guess what? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a master at turning towards these bids for connection. And I just wanted to end by sharing three beautiful examples of how the Prophet

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sallallahu alayhi wa sallam turn towards instead of away.

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And do you remember when I said that the bids are sometimes subtle, and simple and sometimes direct. The first example I want to share with you is a super subtle example. And then the second example will be not so subtle. And then the third example will be more direct, so that we can see different types of example on how the prophet SAW sent him was mindful. And he was able to really pay attention to what was happening around him.

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So once you shut down the alohar, and the wife of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam looked out the window from their apartment, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam noticed her looking out the window. She didn't say a word. And he said to her, Oh, are you sure? Do you want to watch the abyssinians? She didn't even have to say anything.

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And she said, Yes, yes, sir. Lola sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And so he held her so that her face was touching his space, and her body was behind him.

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And after a few minutes, he said, Have you had enough? Watching? She said, No.

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So he continued holding her and standing in that place to allow her to watch.

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And later on, she actually says that she had no desire to watch them play. She just wanted to be close to the Prophet salallahu it Who said that? Most of the times these bids, they don't want anything except for your attention, their attempts to get your attention to get some kind of positive attention from you. The second beautiful example, from the life of our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam one to at Isha one time and he said, Oh, Isha. I know when you're happy with me? And I know when you're not so happy with me? And she said, Yeah, to sue Lola. No, no, no, like, I don't do anything. You know? How could you

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know that? And look how he noticed. He said, When you're happy with me, you swear by the Lord of Muhammad, you say what up Muhammad? And when you're not so happy with me, you say? Or Abraham, you swear by the Lord of Abraham.

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Look at how much the prophet SAW psalms paying attention, that he could notice that one word difference.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was the most beautiful example for us. And Allah says that if we want a lot to love us and we want a loss of habitat to forgive our sins, what must we do? In Quinton to hipbone Allah has to be only with qumola If you really love a lawn, you want a lot to love you. Then follow the Prophet saucer lemon, Allah will love you and forgive your sins. Now last but not least, and this is one that was not so subtle and more direct.

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Ish about the law and how would ask the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam periodically yat rasulillah How is our not

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and that was their code language for their love, and he would say are not is like a love and it's as tight as it was the first time I met you.

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Isn't that beautiful sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And so I know I just shared with you a lot of information. And I know that this is probably your 30th session this weekend. And so what I've done is I've created for you all a worksheet that you can use to help you learn about bins, turning towards turning away and help you inshallah master this beautiful stuff.

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Kill of turning towards. Now how can you get that worksheet? super simple. Now, I'm probably going to be the only speaker that will tell you to take out your phones. Please take out your phones if you can.

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And all you have to do is go to dunya shoaib.com duniasqaiv.com.

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And on the side, there's three lines. That's the menu, click on the menu, and a drop down will come and under Dean with dunia it says resources, click on Resources, scroll all the way down to economic 2018. And there's a PDF called turning towards

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and shala download that. Look it over tonight. And starting from today. Get on that path towards a more happy and fulfilling relationship by being mindful of your spouse paying attention to their bids of connection turning towards and also being mindful not to turn away. I asked Allah subhanaw taala from this blessing gathering that he would do in the most loving fill all of our homes with mercy and love and tranquility and happiness. I asked him to mend between our hearts. I asked him subhanho wa Taala to make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes. And I asked him the same way that he gathered us here today to talk about his beloved sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that

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he gathers us in genital for DOS with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and does Aquila Hainan for listening but a calligraphy comb a cinema alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato