Conflict in the Home Masterclass

Calisha Bennett


Channel: Calisha Bennett

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All the beloved Mina shade Lonnie Rajim Smilla Rahmanir Rahim in Alhamdulillah Hina meadow and a star you know when it's still little when are all the villa Himanshu Rory and fusina Amin say Dr. Molina Mejia de langue Oh fella Mobley Lella wa my little fella had yella eyeshadow Hola Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola. Hola shriek Allah, wa Chateau Anna, Mohammed and Abdu, who are solo NBAD

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they're really All praise is due to Allah we praise Him and we seek His help and we seek his forgiveness. We seek refuge with Allah from the evil within ourselves and the evil consequences of our evil actions. Whoever Allah subhanaw taala guides, none can misguide. And whoever is led astray none can guide I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah is alone and has no partner and I bear witness that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is his slave and messenger. Salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato beautiful sisters

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inshallah you're all doing well just look out for coming on time.

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If anyone sees that someone struggling with audio or visual just private message them we've had to sort it out often people will log in and then they haven't enabled the audio so they just have to enable audio

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which is like a little higher on as you guys can see, there's a messenger box that you can utilize

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and let me get my slides up

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can you guys see the slideshow easily

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good visuals or good everyone? Just let me know that you can see that.

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So welcome, everybody to the conflict in the home master class brought to you by developing diamonds My name is Felicia Bennett and insha Allah I will be presenting this session to you this masterclass to sharing a lot about my own personal experience, an amazing paradigm or a way to cope that I've discovered and been able blessed to be able to learn and inshallah I'll be journeying with you today as we address this topic of conflict in the home. So feel free to take notes, write down any questions that you have that we can perhaps address a little bit later in the session, but otherwise, inshallah you are ready to go and you've got your hot drink beside you. So what we're

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going to look at today, inshallah is conflict in the home we're going to address how it feels, what does it feel like to have conflict in the home? What is the emotional turmoil, the psychological turmoil that it that we experience? We're going to look at the reality of conflict in the home. Is it a collective reality? Is it an individual reality of what's going on in our houses, and inshallah we hope to change perspectives change the way we see things so that we can better understand our role and how we can better cope from that change perspective in sha Allah. So I would love to know where you guys are watching from so please feel free in the chat box to let us know your name and

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where you're watching from that would be awesome to know in Shall I can see a few familiar names there. Sister Isa, the Mila, who also is a familiar name to start Allah.

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So a couple of familiar names I can see there please do share where you're watching from.

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Can you guys see the shared screen I have shared screen?

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Icon Come sister, Roslyn. Welcome. Can you guys see the shared screen at the moment?

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Yes, okay. Um, Dyneema Noreen from Melbourne Raisa from Perth, Mr. Rosin from Sydney stir Fatima from Sydney

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your while so we got

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Surya from Adelaide little Adelaide. Welcome sister Sariah.

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Zoe from Sydney. Welcome. Beautiful to have you all here. Beautiful sisters. That last one to Allah bless this first day of the hijab. For those of you who have your first day today, and these blessings 10 days may this be the best start

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The 10 days and shuttler with what we learn today to improve our quality of conduct and the atmosphere in our home, inshallah stir Heba from Sydney's and I want to come by Aisha from Philippines, my beautiful friend and sister. awesome to have you all here hamdulillah so I'll continue to read those as we journey along. So I want to first inshallah congratulate you and welcome you all to the master class, congratulations on taking the step making a decision to say, You know what, I think every home or my home is directly impacted by conflict, or being honest with yourself and saying there is conflict with a little or a lot, we often might have conflict in our

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homes, and good on you congratulations for stepping forward and saying let me learn something about how I can address this conflict in my home. And you know, Hamdulillah we were all chosen by Allah subhanaw taala to be here and share in this conversation that we're going to have today. So does that look around for showing up. So some benefits that we're hoping to get from today that I'm going to share with us want to help you to feel go from feeling hopeless to hopeful because sometimes in our homes, we're like, things are never gonna change and we feel hopeless. Inshallah, by the end of this short session, you will feel renewed hope, we will hopefully Inshallah, the results will be

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less conflict in the home significantly less conflict in the home, based on what we learned today and your role in it, the ability to cope much better with if there is conflict in the home or there is someone going through a storm or there is some you know, volatile or negative behaviors happening around us that you will inshallah have the ability to cope with it better.

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Also a sense of calm and security within yourself to not be so fearful and not be so anxious and agitated, and to inshallah also have an improved connection. Of course with your loved ones around you. Improved connection with yourself that as well, an improved connection with Allah subhanaw taala, which is the most important connection. So some really great benefits in sha Allah that I hope you will gain from today. This is what I've found, have been benefits for myself from what I've learned, and I'm honored and humbled to be able to share that with you today my journey with you as well as the strategies that are utilized

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so a quick disclaimer so conflict in the home some of you might have thought okay, it's called conflict in home that means it's a home that has you know, domestic violence or some kind of domestic abuse or or type of situation. A quick disclaimer, if you have if you are living in an unsafe environment, then please seek help and reach out and your your safety is priority and that of your children and loved ones is priority. So please like seek professional help if there is any domestic violence or sexual abuse or severe psychological abuse or manipulation, just please look after yourself sisters. Also, another disclaimer is I don't have my life down pat perfectly. I am in

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the journey alongside with us. I struggle every single day with you know my own weaknesses and my own faults and my own dynamic in my family life. But I'm on the journey in sha Allah to improving that and trying to improve my role and cope better with the tests and the life that I lost once Allah has blessed me with so don't think that this is coming from me sitting on my high horse and I've got it all perfectly down pat and my life is perfect. It's not but I do hamdulillah have a way to be able to cope and get through that I wish to share with other sisters that has been absolutely life changing for me inshallah.

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Okay, so what is my background? As you guys know, I'm the probably no, perhaps not the founder of developing diamonds and this is my business or I do coaching, workshops, courses, retreats, I also do speaking for Muslim sisters and youth and support them in strengthening their identity and success in sha Allah for this life and their next life. So that's, that's where I'm coming from. in presenting this to my business with developing diamonds. I also have Toby's background in dealing with community members, sisters, converts, youth, Muslims from all different types of backgrounds and walks of life I've been involved in supporting them for over 12 years. So I've learned a lot and

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I've seen a lot there's not much I haven't seen or heard or experienced with my sisters in faith. So that's why I'm very passionate about helping sisters discover the strategies to be able to really fulfill their objectives in life as believers in Allah subhanaw taala and what you learned today in sha Allah will help you in that regard as well.

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I recently completed Heydrich coach, which is life and business coaching

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certificate certification, as well as I'm also an aware, coach and lead for the females in New South Wales, Australia. And we help sisters, I specifically help sisters to recover from pornography addiction. So I've got a lot of other background qualifications, but these are the most relevant and recent ones. If you want to find out more, feel free to have a look at my website and sha Allah. And in particular, where I'm coming from today is a certification that I'm doing called Back to the Future. And that's the the aspects that we'll be learning today what I've learned from Back to the Future, which have absolutely changed my life. I'm at the end of my certification now in sha Allah

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about to complete it. So what I'm sharing with you today is like practical, practical attempt at communicating the beautiful lessons and insights that I've learned from this certification. And this is run by sister Katherine Drew. And so you can have a look, they have a Facebook page, and you can find them online as well in sha Allah.

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So why do I want to share this? Why do I want to address the topic of conflict in the home, I always start off my talks and presentations with first checking in with myself but also facilitating that sisters, chicken win with their own self? Why are you here to ask yourself? Why have I shown up today? Why is this topic interesting to me? And that is a unique answer for each and every one of us. So in the comment box, feel free to share why you're here. Or if you don't want to share that publicly. You can just write it down in your notebook about why why are you here? What do you hope to gain from it? So personally, why I wanted to share this presentation this masterclass with my

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dear sisters, is because of its relevance to my own story and journey, which I'm going to share with you a little bit later on, about what my story and dynamic was in life and how I was feeling and with regards to conflict in the home and conflict within myself, and how I navigated that in my journey of life. Also, because we know that in life, difficulties in close relationships are inevitable they're bound to happen. It's not all roses, it's not all honeymoons. It's not all the utopian ideal of what a you know, bubbly little, you know, family should be, which is something that I you know, that burst my bubble in life's Panelo because that's what I used to think that my own

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future life was going to be as Pamela so.

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So difficulties in close relationships are bound to happen for all of us, whether it's in your marriage, whether it's with your children, whether it's with your parents, whether it's with your siblings, close relationships, we'll have an element sometimes where you will clash because you have differences. And sometimes these clashes can get out of hand. And sometimes the you know, it can affect the atmosphere in the house, there can be so much conflict that some people dread coming home. Some people feel like their home life is like a living hell. And we don't want that. And it's not meant to be that our homes are meant to be a place of tranquility and Sanctuary.

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But we The problem is that often when it's not, it's because we haven't learned how to make it a place that is a tranquil sanctuary. And even if we can't control everyone living in our space, how can we make that experience for ourselves, internally tranquil, and peaceful. So that's another reason why I wanted to share this with you guys. Also, another point is because I do a lot of Islamic teaching hamdulillah I've always loved learning about the Islamic teachings, we learn about good manners and family dynamics in Islam. But we also need to understand how our psychology works. Because we can learn theoretically, the texts of the Quran and the Sunnah, according to you know,

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what how a family home should be, or what the dynamics should be, or how our manners should be with each other. But the application of that is something altogether. Yeah, like, I've learned a lot about these topics. And there were times where my behavior, I'd look at myself, and I'd be like, Oh my gosh, why are you like so? irrational? Like, why are you being so emotionally charged? That is not what you know, in your Islamic teachings. And why? Because I wasn't aware of how to take care of my psychology take care of my mental health. And the what we're going to learn today has been pivotable pivotal for me in taking care of my mental health Pantalon. And it is beautifully

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compatible with Islam. It's not in any contradiction to the Islamic teachings. It's actually perfectly aligned. And we're going to address that as well later on how it ties into our Islamic teachings. So it's beautifully holistic what we're going to learn today. So now homes often in from what I've seen in the community work that I've done. We have a lot of chaos, this conflict, there's unhappiness in the Muslim home, and as we learn from the text, it shouldn't be like that. So we need to learn

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You know, ways of understanding our own selves and our own roles and our own abilities to cope with what goes on in our homes, we need to learn how to be able to do that in sha Allah so that we can improve this the state of our Muslim homes and the atmosphere, we also need to know that we cannot be effective believers until we address this conflict in our homes. Because if we have conflict going on our home, we cannot go and carry out the work of Allah subhanaw taala in the most effective way in the world, because we're busy having married breakdowns, we're busy fighting with our kids were busy cutting off ties with our parents and being emotional distress and turmoil. When you've

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got that all going on in your home life in your personal life, you literally can't think and function in the big wide world and you cannot do the work of Allah subhanaw taala when your heart is just bleeding in pain and your mental emotional state is is you know, in devastation and confusion. So it's very important that we learn how to really address the conflict in our homes and how we can better cope. And also in our own personal internal states, if they are not healthy. No, our well being within ourselves and emotional psychological states. If it is not, you know, it's not healthy, and it's not balanced and it's not secure and it's not sound, then within our own spiritual journey,

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our connection with Allah subhanaw taala. Likewise, we're not going to be effective believers in our own effort and worship and connection with Allah subhanaw taala. If you're busy stressing about fighting with your husband every single day, or your kids who are rebelling or your parents who are being unreasonable or your in laws, who you live with, who are driving you crazy, if you've got that going on, how are you going to be able to find that inner calm, to be truly present in Salah to be really connected with Allah when you're reading the Quran, to be able to be planning your life, how you can be of service to Allah subhanaw taala, how you can strengthen your Eman and your knowledge.

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How can you do that when you're just in a state of conflict. So it's a very, very important topic, as you guys might now agrees, Pamela, that we address conflict in our homes, and how we can better cope and what our role is.

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So going on to my story. So I want to tell you guys about my story and my journey with what brought me to you here today to want to share this with you. And you know, the power in sharing the story is that you might have similar things in your journey or in your experience. And you might be able to relate to something, but to also, again, give you hope, after feelings of hopelessness, that maybe you've come similar, or you have something that you relate to from my journey, but to now realize, like wow, you can get out of that there is a way through it, there is a way to cope. And you do have a powerful role within the conflict dynamic in your home. So when I was younger, my you know,

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envisioning when I was like, in my teenage years, what I envisioned what I imagined what my family life would be, my home life would be I imagined I'm going to be married, and we're going to be in love. I was like, I grew up watching a lot of Disney like a lot of Disney, like a lot of Disney like where you go to parents to make sure kids don't watch too much cartoons, Disney brainwashes them I was the brainwashed Disney child. So I had this like image of you know, you're gonna get married and you're in love. And then you have this family. And then you know from the different things that I saw in contrast to my own upbringing, and had a bit of chaos in my own upbringing, and then to see

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some other families who had a very beautifully Islamic, close, loving, dynamic in their homes. So in contrasting those two now, I imagined in my life, when I have my own house, it's going to be like this, it's going to be this beautiful, peaceful house and I'm going to be close to my kids and me and my husband are going to be just this life partners, best friends. This whole little, you know, imagined future that I had intended and planned for myself. That is how it's going to be. So I wanted to be a woman who was settled and fulfilled in life. A mother who's like, got things down pat, she's in control of her emotions, she's beautiful, calm, speaking so softly, never raising her

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voice that her kids content wife who's just, you know, adored by her husband, competent mother, good in the house. All these types of things were envisioned and plan this is how I'm going to be this is how I should be right. But when it came time to actually being married and having my kids you know, realizing the the painful fact that things don't always turn out how you how you envision or how you dream or how you expect this whole fantasy of what you know, a family life should be. So when things weren't turning out according to how I had envisioned and wished for and dream for. It started causing like

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In a bit of a storm within me feelings of frustration or disappointment, why isn't my husband doing this? Or that? Why isn't our relationship like this or that I'm not doing enough as a mother, why aren't the kids being like this or that. So all these different things that were not lining up to what my thoughts had created, or what my future or what my life should be, would trigger me. So I'd be triggered. The second I would see something that I didn't, that didn't please me, the second I would hear something that wasn't how it should be. The second things were not showing up according to how I had envisioned, I would feel like triggered like, let down like upset, frustrated about,

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you know, things that aren't how they are, they're how they were meant to be how I wanted them to be. So then it would impact my relationship with my husband and my kids. So I would always be operating from a place of either defensiveness or protectiveness, or frustration. You know, I put everyone in my household in charge of my emotional needs, they were responsible for how I was feeling. If I was upset, it's because the kids were not behaving, or my husband was not doing this, or because my family members weren't visiting, or because they didn't check on me, no one cared about me. So I have all these types of feelings coming from what I was thinking about how things

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should be spent a lot. So my insecurities then projected onto my marriage, and my parenting, and in my close relationships, and affected the atmosphere of my home, it created a lot of unnecessary conflicts panela. So I found myself was constantly not feeling safe, not feeling okay. And when there were conflict situations, I'll just get really riled up and really overwhelmed. I hadn't grown up with very good coping mechanisms, I didn't grow up with very good emotional regulation. So how was I left now feeling in my household life was feeling miserable, frustrated, discontent, resentful, also feeling guilty about my own speech and behavior, feeling unfulfilled, that this is

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not what I wanted it to be when I know I want good for my boss for myself and my family. I know, I want to have a good Islamic household and good Islamic conduct, but it's not panning out what's going on? I feel so stuck Subhanallah, the more I demanded that the external, others should give me what I wanted and needed, the worse, I would feel.

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So that continued on until, you know, only recently the last few years, I came across the paradigm called the Inside Out paradigm. And I was unexpectedly introduced to it by a very beautiful close friend who said, I'm looking into you know, this, this topic, this paradigm, would you like to come and learn it with me. And I joined on with her and we learned we studied together online, and up till now almost, you know, a year and a half, two years going on two years later,

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it's been able to handle a manifest in my life. So I was curious about it, you know, I was on a journey at the time, I said, I'm gonna give myself a good year to heal any wounds, get rid of any unnecessary baggage, do some self care, and figure out really, it was like figuring out what's wrong with me, because I just felt like, you know, I can do a lot of things. And I can be a lot of good things for a lot of people, but in my own journey for myself, and in my closest relationships, I still had storms going on within me. So I wanted to figure out what's going on what's wrong wrong with me, you know, really, there's nothing wrong with us, it's just awareness. panela. So, I spent a

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year you know, learning the paradigm, discovering what it you know, what it stood for, and what it means and, and slowly kind of like, unpack, you know, what's the word unpacking, unpacking all this stuff that I carried, that were not the reality of my experience in life, and that my experience was actually

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you know, the reality of life was actually something very different to what I had been experiencing and choosing to experience on a lot. So my broken perception of the world and my life and what it should be started to simply just fall away. Last month, Allah, I trusted that he was going to guide me to what I needed in that year of learning and growth. And he did just the fact that he brought the paradigm my way at that time in my life. It was very, very, like it was exactly what I needed. panela and I've experienced, you know, emotional psychological freedom like nothing I've ever learned before and so many more connected to myself, to my loved ones, to my family, in my

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communication in my relationship with Allah subhanaw taala like this, all that I feel like all the junk is able to like to just fall away and shift away.

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So the negativity and disappointment that I just told you guys about you probably went on me with that roller coaster ride, you know, about people and issues and, you know, negative feelings, they all started to fall away.

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When I realized that what the paradigm was teaching me about this very important concept and psychological fact, the fact that it is our thoughts that create our feelings, our thoughts create our feelings of not being okay, our thoughts create our feelings of what others should do. Our thoughts create our feelings of judgment, our thoughts create our feelings of expectation. So realizing how I was feeling was coming from my thinking. So that meant that if my feelings weren't coming from others, then I didn't need to engage, they didn't need to be conflict there because it was no one's fault, how I was feeling, it was my own decision, it was my own thinking that was

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causing my feelings, and that if I just had a look, and observed my thinking, then perhaps my feelings might change and improve. So this is an important point that inshallah you all can grasp. As I introduce it to you, now we are living in the feeling of our thinking, how you feel right now is coming from what you're thinking about right now, every moment in your life, the way you feel is coming from your thinking. So we need to realize that we experience the world through our thought in that moment, because we could see something right in front of us, I could see a flower, and I might love the color of the flower. And that gives me a feeling of joy. And you might be looking at the

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flower, and you don't like the smell of the flower, and you feel the feeling of disgust because of what you think of from your own experience. So I have my experience of that flower, I'm enjoying the color and I see the color. And you're seeing the flower from this, you know, your sense of smell like you're like, oh, no, I'm not into that flower. I'm like this unknown, you're repulsed by it. So our experiences are different. So my experience is different to your experience. So we have to be aware of this conceptually living in the feeling of our thinking, and we experience the world through thought in the moment, then we know that our experiences are very unique and unique to us.

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And that it is our thinking that shapes our experience panela

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once I realized that I was truly okay, and that my world was going to be okay, as long as I chose to think of it and see it as being okay, like, I could just shift and say, You know what, maybe I don't need to see life as a big expectation. Maybe I can just see life, for being what it is. I can just see life as it is.

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And in the moment, what I choose to think about it now in the moment is what I can experience. And doing that Subhan Allah allowed all of that future expectation pressured thinking, to disappear and fall away Spamalot.

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So it's very, very

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kind of impactful, pivotal moment. For me, this is just check your microphones and stuff, because it's a little bit of noise.

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I discovered that through my thinking, I create my own reality of my life experience my day to day life, and that my world can be beautiful, can be enriching, it can be peaceful. If I choose to see it that way. I didn't have to think and continue to think that failures, disappointments, disagreements and tests around me meant that my world was not okay. And that I was not okay. So I let all of that nonsense fall away. Because that's what I used to do. I used to think everything happening around me, meant my life was not good. But if I let go and pressed pause on all of that type of thinking, and looked at my own self, my own life, my life was okay, I was fine. And

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hamdulillah was well, and I was, you know, I have had wellness, I had knowledge, I had fulfillment, I had loved ones I had so many blessings, I could just see my blessings. Now, instead of all the negative stuff happening around me that I couldn't control. So knowing that I couldn't control anything but my own decisions and thoughts, and that I'm not accountable for anything but my own decisions and choices and actions was a really freeing realizations, Pamela.

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So, I felt safe enough, through discovering these, these, this universal reality to realize that life is perfectly imperfect and that I am responsible for my own state of well being and no one can truly hurt or damage or affect my quality of life. So you know, even if, you know someone that that I loved or someone you know, in my household said something harsh or hurtful or mean to me, that didn't have to make me feel a certain way. Because I didn't have to agree with it or believe it I just had to say that's what they think. They might think that you know, for example, a child not say to your a bad mum, that's coming from their thinking from their own perception of the world. And

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then you're like, What do you mean I'm a bad mom, I've done everything for you. So I can either hit back and engage

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agents conflict. Because remember, conflict can only happen when the two parties are engaging. If one is not engaging, there is no conflict. There's someone voicing a feeling or thought there's something that's going on inside them in their world and their perception of the world. And then if you meet them there and say, Oh, is that how you feel like, you don't take it on board, you don't say you don't have to believe it as being true, what they're saying, You don't have to take ownership of their perception of you, or the world or the family dynamic. You know, they're experiencing their thoughts, their feelings, from thought in the moment in that time. And they're

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allowed to have that and just as you are, and then I can make a choice to agree with what they say, or, or within myself say, you know, I don't agree that I'm a bad mom. But I'm willing to listen to that person told me what how am I a bad mom, and let them speak it out. So that's what you've been feeling and thinking, and thank you for telling me and sharing that with me. I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to take ownership of it, and then be defensive, I can just sit and hear them. That that's their experience based on their feelings from their own thinking. And likewise, with a spouse, you might be going through a storm and saying you're this, you're that and you're not doing

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this one off. And I'm not fulfilled with that a husband could be saying those types of things, too. But do you have to take ownership of like, Yes, I agree. That is me, I'm going to label myself that too. Or do you know, yourself enough to say, You know what, that's his perception of this dynamic in situation, he has a right to have that perception, if that's the way he's thinking, I can't control his thinking. I can't control his feelings. He's just how he is and the way he's perceiving things. But I can control how I meet what he's saying. I can meet it with conflict, defensiveness argumentation, or I can let him have that and hear him out and say, Okay, I respect that. That's how

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you feel. And that that's what you're thinking.

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But, you know, this is how I'm feeling. So you can share how you're feeling and thinking as well. So just to kind of spoiler like, take,

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take ownership of only your own thoughts, creating your feelings and not get compounding what others might be thinking or feeling about you on to your own self. So freeing yourself. So for me personally,

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I felt so much freer. Once I became aware of this point, from what was weighing me down unnecessarily and which took me away from seeing the true blessings and joy that I had, right in front of my eyes, I couldn't see the blessings and joy, because I was always seeing the disappointment or the things that I was expecting about how life should be. It's part of the law. So the life that I dreamed or dreamed or was actually in front of me all along. Yeah. So the happy fulfilled, life was right there in front of me, but I couldn't see it, because I wasn't thinking about seeing that blessing of the reality in front of me, I was caught in how things could would

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should be. So all I could see my life was the frustration, the disappointment, my own inadequacies, just caught in my own storm of my emotional insecurity and emotional immaturity released on a law. But once I let that go, I was like, Whoa, actually, my life is blessed. My life is really what I wanted it to be. So all I had to do was remove this protective wrapping that I encapsulated my view of the world with because that protective Lange was like, you know, if I have this expectation, then you know, no one can hurt me. And that's what makes me feel safe if I have this expectation. So when I let go of all that, you know, that expectation and that fearful thinking, I was able to see the

00:33:48--> 00:33:57

blessing, the beautiful, imperfect life that was in front of me, so it wasn't perfect, but it was beautiful. It's panela. So

00:33:58--> 00:34:41

that protective wrapping, I know it was there, because in the past, I needed it to help me cope in life. It was like survival coping mechanisms, you know, that I had, from my journey of growing up, and to be able to get through life and through that through the world, but it wasn't necessary anymore. And it was actually causing me more harm than good. So now humbly, like I feel much more whole feel much more grateful. I feel much more calm, much more accepting. And the story that had once been about my life. It no longer needed to be, and I still struggle some days. I have to tell you like my you know, the wiring of our brains to cope and react in certain ways for 1020 30 years.

00:34:41--> 00:34:59

It's not easy to rewire the way that we deal with things sometimes we are reactionary, you know, if I'm tired, I'm not not the best at coping or, you know, if I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed by a lot of different things. I'm not as good at letting you know being aware of them.

00:35:00--> 00:35:02

My thoughts in the moment, but it's panela.

00:35:04--> 00:35:49

Despite struggling, sometimes overall, there are just massive steps forward in my quality of life and the quality of my experience of my lives. panela. So discovering the Inside Out paradigm, it really has. It's changed my life, like, I know, it's changed my life forever, like, my life will never be the same. Now that I've realized this, I see people in a different way, I thought I was not I was, I thought I was pretty non judgmental before. But now it's taken that to another level, where I because I know that everyone's experience and behavior, and what they're doing is coming from their own feelings from their own thinking, that, like, causes me to respect and not judge their

00:35:49--> 00:35:57

behavior or their actions, they're just going through something they're going through their own journey. So that, you know, it's kind of us, it's beautiful to feel

00:35:59--> 00:36:41

massive shifts in non judgement of others, which, you know, I think it definitely improves all of us. So, the biggest thing I realized is that my story and my experience and my impact on others, all of these things, don't define me, your past doesn't define you your experiences of the past doesn't define you, the impact of others and what they do. All of that doesn't define you, you define you the way you think about yourself in your life, is what defines you that defines your experience that defines your fulfillment. So in short law, like I only see better days ahead for my journey, if I continue to stay in this awareness and this choice to be aware of the fact that feelings come from

00:36:41--> 00:37:28

thinking. So now how am I using this inside out paradigm to to this knowledge is my intention, insha Allah is to change lives with it, I use it within my business. In my coaching, teaching workshops, I always tried to tie it in with my own family and my interactions, it just has affected every aspect of my life. And I know that if it's changed my life this much when, after so many years of Islamic learning, personal development, asking advice from mentors and teachers and scholars, nothing has given me the answers that this awareness of the paradigm has panela. So I know that it is a massive tool and an instrument to be able to help share with others so that they can change their lives. And

00:37:28--> 00:37:56

how do you change lives by just changing someone's experience of life. So it's not about I have to fix someone's marriage or I have to fix someone's child that had probably having problems with their child or fix a mother daughter relationship. Changing lives is changing the way that those individuals helping them to change the way they're seeing each other, changing the way that they engage with the other so that there is less conflict in relationships, Pamela?

00:37:58--> 00:37:58


00:38:00--> 00:38:41

going on to some lucky teachings now so you can understand it a little bit better. So inside out why is it called the Inside Out paradigm? General by default, we experience life from the outside in, like I was mentioning to you before everything around us was affecting how I felt in myself. Okay, so everyone else's was to blame. And in control of how I would feel and experience life. Am I happy or sad today, I don't know, depends on how everything else around me is going. And so that's what used to just throw me off all the time. Because in my, in my ignorance, at that time, I didn't know any better. I thought that if everything outside me is okay, and I take care of everything. And then

00:38:41--> 00:39:25

everyone does what they need to do for me, then I'm okay. And life is good. And that's how life should be. But what the Inside Out paradigm teaches is that your fulfillment and happiness and calm and peace and tranquility comes from inside you. It starts with you. And we know that Allah subhanaw taala says that Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change that which is within themselves. And I just didn't see that I didn't get it didn't click that I needed to address the way I was seeing myself and how I was filtering that experience of my life and the world around me is Panola. So that's what the name means inside out means you live in your life from the inside

00:39:25--> 00:40:00

out to you look at where it's the experiences created from you in your thought, how you feel about it comes from your thought and your response when you take ownership of that and that becomes your experience of life. It's not outside in okay, but we do fall outside and I fall outside and like I said before, when I struggle some days when I'm tired some days when I'm moody or a bit hormonal I'll go outside in right and I started it's everyone else's fault again, back to that old behavior and neural pathway. But being aware now of the Inside Out goes Okay, calm down, go back to so you're feeling fresh.

00:40:00--> 00:40:29

dreaded before you go and say anything, checking why feeling frustrated? And where does it come from, it's always coming from frustrated thinking, thinking something negative or thinking something judgmental. And it's always it's a negative, and whispers from shengguan, to kind of affected my feelings and create a mood, put me in a mood, but it kind of taking that power back is saying, you know, I'm not gonna go and follow that pathway. I'm not gonna go back into those old habits and those moods, I don't want to be in a mood, I want to be happy. I want to be present in the moment and joyful in the moment.

00:40:31--> 00:41:15

So, what we need to realize, to emphasize again, that feelings and thoughts, they're two sides of the same coin. Okay? They're never separate. Feelings are never separate to thought they are directly tied to any time you're feeling something you feeling anxious. You feeling depressed, you feeling sad, you're feeling angry, you feel a feeling within you, right? Even now, today, tomorrow, this afternoon, when you feel a feeling before reacting, just pause just for a moment. And check in where is this feeling coming from? What are the thoughts that are going on that are driving this feeling, because a feeling doesn't come out of nowhere? It always comes from a thought. So remember,

00:41:15--> 00:41:29

feeling and thought are the the two sides of the same coin that stuck, always together. Okay. So if you can then trace to your thought that you're feeling certain sensation in your body, for example, you're you are

00:41:30--> 00:41:54

you're driving home and you come in, you get home, you walk through the door, and you look around the house is messy. Your husband's home, the kids are there as well. The house is messy, no one's done anything, you're tired, you've had a long day. And then you start to feel fresh a bit of frustration, feelings or a bit of annoyed feelings. And when you feeling that before you start to engage with everyone in the home.

00:41:56--> 00:42:34

You check with these up? Do you want to feel that way? Do you need to feel that way? So for me personally, if I feel that way, I know it's coming from my thinking where I'm thinking they should have known I'm coming home to tidy up, they should know that I get grumpy if there's a whole bunch of mess that they've made. If I've left the house, like all this should should should again, see this is my expectation, thinking coming in. But then I can make a choice. Maybe they shouldn't, maybe they tired. Maybe they've had a long day, maybe they just had a lot of fun today. That's why it's more so I can choose where I direct this thinking. Okay, so being able to have awareness of

00:42:34--> 00:43:12

feelings coming from thought I was able to take some of that power back to say, I can choose how I see this situation and choose Is it a gonna be a big deal? Should I make it a big deal in my mind, and when I make the decision to not make it a big deal, then the feelings the negative feelings just fall away. And you get on with the day, no mood, no mood swing, no negative engagement, no fight needed. Didn't need to agitate everyone, I could just say, Guys, I just need some help to tidy up Could everyone come and help with one do this one do that. And I'm not frustrated while I'm requesting that and I'm not elevated in my you know, my mood and my not snappy with my husband, I

00:43:12--> 00:43:26

can just be happy and get on with the tidy up, which you know, has to happen anyway. So it's very important that we realize that they're directly tied to care, there's no separation and feeling and thought guys that directly tied.

00:43:31--> 00:43:32

Okay, so

00:43:34--> 00:44:10

also to remember that people can't have an impact on your feelings unless you allow it via thought. Okay, so we're going to touch on that as well, a bit later, I want to talk about something that I learned called the train of thought, the train of thought, okay, so, situation might occur, your thought will go into your past to dig up how I need to cope with this because something like this might have happened before. And then you use that past experience to interpret what is what was said or done. And then your thought will draw conclusions about it, and then cause you to feel a certain way about it, and then cause a reaction to it. Okay, so this is the train of thought, okay, so say

00:44:10--> 00:44:19

for example, it's your husband, and he says something, too. All right. He goes out to an example here. You say to him, Oh, you haven't spent much time with me.

00:44:21--> 00:44:22

And then he goes,

00:44:24--> 00:44:58

Well, it's not you know, what's not urgent is it? And then you take what's not urgent, okay said to me, it's not urgent to spend time with me. And then you go into your thoughts and your thoughts go on. When I was younger, my dad never used to spend much time with me. And I used to feel neglected. And man, he didn't love me. And then you go into this big story, and then you use that experience to go he in my head that means he said it's not urgent that means he doesn't love me. That means he doesn't prioritize me. That means he's going to leave me my perhaps if the sister her father left or the parents split up

00:45:00--> 00:45:35

And she ties in all of that. Now, the husband's just said, it's not urgent is it as in maybe we can book something in a few weeks to have some time together. But now you've made it that he doesn't love me, he's going to leave me. He doesn't care about me that your mind just created that. And then that affects your feelings. And then you react. And then bam, we've got a fight fireworks, right. And all you started off is saying, we haven't had much time together. And then he said, Well, it's not that urgent isn't. And you've gone down your thoughts of taking you down memory lane, because that's what we tend to do. We go into our past, and we create meanings and interpretations from our

00:45:35--> 00:45:48

past experiences. And then our thoughts channel it out to this situation here. So we're not thinking the best of the other person. We're not, you know, looking for a constructive conclusion. We're not hearing the person out.

00:45:49--> 00:46:34

There, it's not healthy communications, Pamela, and the thoughts just created a big reaction. So then you snap back at him, and he snaps back at you. And then that's it. It's engaged. It's engaged. Yeah. And where did it come from thought What are thought created of that? So we can, we need to realize that we can live allowing, we can't live so we can't live allowing outside situations control our psychological state. And by doing so when we say you said that, and now my mind went down memory lane, and we went like this, and that you let an outside comment and outside perception and outside perspective, control and shape your psychological state. When we do that, we lose our

00:46:34--> 00:47:14

psychological freedom, and we lose our psychological safety. And this is when mental health can be impacted. This is when you're now not free. You're not free, because you're trapped by what someone else is imprinting on your view of the world. Okay, and no one has someone the right to do that. No one can force that because you always have autonomy over what you choose to think. So it's kind of like now divorcing, like separating, someone can say something, but that doesn't shape my reality, I shaped my reality, my reality is, I have the tools to get through whatever situation comes my way. I can cope with anything, my life is blessed. Right? I'm okay in this moment. Okay, so when again,

00:47:14--> 00:47:57

I'll repeat it, we can't live allowing outside situations to control our psychological state. Because if we do, we will lose our psychological freedom and psychological safety. Okay, and when we look at mental health, and think about people that you know, that have mental health conditions, it's because external things have happened. And that they have internalized that. And they have taken ownership of what has happened to them externally trauma, abuse, betrayal, hurtful things, you know, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse, domestic abuse, and they've internalized it. But we never want to have let those things externally have control over us. And that is when we become

00:47:57--> 00:48:09

psychologically unsafe, because we get mental illness from those things, because we identify and we assume the states that we would put ourselves in from accepting what was done to us.

00:48:10--> 00:48:11

Okay, so

00:48:13--> 00:48:53

the train of thought, if you go into a train of thought of he said that now it means this, this, that you're going back down memory lane and creating your interpretations. If you catch yourself on the train, which you know, I do, too, I'll do often, if you catch yourself on the train, get off the train, if you don't like where it's headed. Okay? Get off the train if you don't like where it's headed. So I experienced this quite frequently, because I'm trying to you know, reshape my my behaviors. So something will be said, and usually I'll jump to conclusions a million miles an hour to all these different conclusions. And I can feel in my body, that anxiety and anger like the

00:48:53--> 00:49:30

frustration ready for a fight building up right fight or flight, like chemical stop building in your body, from the thought train that you've just took taking yourself on, the person didn't take you there. They just said something. But you take yourself there down that thought chain, and I feel the emotion starting because I'm on the thought train. And then I'm like, oh, no, I'm not gonna do this, I'm not gonna engage with these thoughts. Because I can feel it's not a nice feeling I refuse to fall into and go into feeling like this. Again, I'm not going to do these, these fights and this bickering and conflict anymore. So I get off the train. And I just either you know, sometimes not

00:49:30--> 00:49:53

responding, or just keeping a level head making about the person rather than you. So what I would often do is make it about me get my point across, I need to be heard and I need to have the last day. I'm always right, that kind of thing. But it doesn't get you anywhere, and you end up just more frustrated and it creates more distance between you and the person that you're claiming to want to have closeness with this panel. So

00:49:54--> 00:49:59

get off the train if you don't like where it's headed. So looking back at my story, my conflict was based

00:50:00--> 00:50:43

My own insecure thoughts and feelings, which would have me thinking the worst, or it would make me on the attack. Okay, because all this stuff going on in my mind about what it means about me if someone in my my loved ones does or doesn't do or says just the turmoil of my own inner state, which I thought I wasn't responsible for I was making everyone else responsible for it. So I'm sharing this because I Insha Allah, I want you guys to see yourself in this in this situation, because I don't know all of your unique situations. But I do know that, you know, a lot of the patterns and the thinking processes that might go on a similar universally. So expectation from others. You know,

00:50:43--> 00:51:20

my feelings being based on expectation for others meant that it was always controlled by others. So my feelings were controlled by others, I allowed others to control my feelings, because I held expectation over them. Like that is like prison, that is prison. No one is ever, no one wants to be responsible for how you feel. I know, my household doesn't want to be responsible for how I feel. So when I'm in turmoil, and I'm putting it on them, they're like, Hey, man, that's your problem. So I'll never get resolution because I can't get the comfort that I'm looking for, based on my expectations from them. So my feelings are often also based on fear of the future, and predicting my

00:51:20--> 00:51:55

thoughts of the future, if this situation isn't happened, and this is what could happen in the future. So then I'm like, scared, and I'm engaging in communicating based on a fear of something not turning out or something that could happen. So I'm like living in the unknown future now. So I'm not even appreciating who the person is right in front of me right then and there. I'm instead projecting future possibilities onto them in that moment. So again, not not healthy, that's not mentally healthy. But we do that a lot of our lives, we live in fear of the unknown future.

00:51:56--> 00:52:38

So I lived in a state of feeling emotions are based on things that didn't even exist yet. Yeah, that if, if you know, I'm having an if, say, for example, arguing with my daughter, teenage daughter, and I'm saying if you know if this happens, or this, if, and I'm scared of what could happen, and I'm freaking out with her right now because of what I'm worried about in the future. But she's like, but I'm not even doing that. Now. I'm not even doing anything bad. I'm right here, I'm good. Like, I couldn't see the goodness in my own chart in front of me. Because I'm living in the perceived interpretation or assumptions about the future again, look at what it robs us of, we don't see the

00:52:38--> 00:53:20

beauty and goodness in front of us. And because of that fee for thinking spot on, I had quite a few experiences of moments like that with my teenager in particular, where I'm, you know, so scared of so many things for her life and her future and her choices. But I'm not seeing what she is right now, which is in reality, it's it's good and it's beautiful, and it's blessed, even though perhaps others outside might interpret what they would see of my daughter as not good or soft or low these types of things. Again, my thinking could take me to insecure thinking What will others say What will others think about my daughter's situation or presentation or whatever, but I refuse to allow

00:53:20--> 00:54:04

any of that I'm going to see my daughter for who she is right now as a human being as an individual. So a lot of wasted energy and emotion. Do you guys see where I'm headed with this like, hearing my story, you probably feel exhausted. That's how it was just exhausting. Like you're just running on unnecessary thoughts, a lot of negative emotions, overwhelming emotions, unnecessary conflict, all of that going on what a waste of energy and time and emotion like what a waste we're supposed to be busy living, fulfilling lives, loving and being grateful for all of the blessings right now right here in front of us and fulfilling our mission and purpose as believers come along.

00:54:06--> 00:54:17

So yeah, I wanted to especially make a point about it's just a waste of energy and emotion it doesn't need to be doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be I'll just check in with messages. See how you guys are going.

00:54:20--> 00:54:26

Yeah, sounds like a fairy tale for a year it was like a fairy tale. So the Inside Out paradigm

00:54:27--> 00:54:47

How did you discover it in 2018? Yeah, he just the one who introduced it to me is Pamela to college also uses it in her teaching and coaching and relationships. It is the calmer way to be and it's back to our natural fitrah our natural nature is that we were born okay, we were all blessed with Allah subhanaw taala with everything we need to navigate life.

00:54:48--> 00:54:58

That's why it's called Back to the Future. It's like your fitrah your nature is to be okay in the world. Your nature is to see reality for what it is not to be in a fearful state.

00:55:01--> 00:55:37

Yep, you guys are saying some sounds familiar, it is very empowering, can this not engaging, create a way for others to take advantage of you or keep doing the wrong things that they're doing? This is disarray yet, as Muslims were never supposed to tolerate oppression, so if not engaging causes someone to take advantage of you to the degree of oppressing you, then you don't tolerate that. And you have to absolutely stand up for yourself and your rights, because we all have certain rights. But I'm more talking about the conflict side of things. So this is where we have to draw the line. So this conflict where you can choose to engage or not engage, or you can help to bring peace to,

00:55:37--> 00:55:58

even to other people in your household who might be having conflict, we can help to facilitate peaceful pathways to communication. But if there is someone who is oppressive or abusive, and then you don't engage in them, they just take advantage of you, where we, we don't tolerate oppression as Muslims. So rather than you relate to my story,

00:55:59--> 00:56:34

you came to the class thinking I'll learn how to fix the other person. Yeah, that's what I mean, we can't fix anyone, like, they are their own individual. And they have the right to their own experience. And their experience is based on their own journey of life, their own trauma, their own pain, their own upbringing, like, we have to have mercy for others about why they are how they are. But the choice we have is whether we, you know, we can tolerate or have that in our life or not, you know, if someone is, you know, really damaged from what's gone on in their life. And, you know, perhaps we might be married to someone who's really damaged, we do have a choice to stay married or

00:56:34--> 00:57:10

not, to tolerate certain negative behaviors or not, but we should always have mercy for that person make dua for them, we want them to get healthy again and become you know, emotionally psychologically stable. We want that for others. But we also have to understand that everyone's coming from their own place of pain. And if we make it about us that how they're reacting or how they're behaving, is because how they might feel about us. It's not it's about again, it's about them, they're reacting, behaving, according to them, just how you're reacting behaving according to you. We're all individually responsible. As you know, there's no outside person to blame for any

00:57:10--> 00:57:12

situation. We're just responsible for ourselves.

00:57:14--> 00:57:18

So sorry, I'm talking of situations with teenage kids who think they know at all Yeah.

00:57:19--> 00:57:54

I'm with this disarray in that pain. Yeah. So they're not engaging, so you can choose to engage, but it needs to be really healthy engagement. Otherwise, if it's conflict engagement with teenagers, that actually is counterproductive, because it creates more distance. So sometimes, they might be doing something that you don't approve of you address that with them. They might be arrogant. And they might be like, Yeah, whatever, they don't care. But you don't need to take ownership of them. You know, if you said no, you're not allowed to do it. And then they go and do it anyway. And you tell them again, you I don't allow you to do and they're gonna go do it anyway. Or they're, you

00:57:54--> 00:58:19

know, you can have conflict, or you can just keep calmly reminding them that they are not supposed to do it. But then your accountabilities lifted, because you've given that advice, they have their book of deeds open, they're accountable before our last one or Darla now is as accountable young adults. So yeah, the teenage situation is not an easy one to navigate. Or the Inside Out paradigm helps with that I've experienced personally, is

00:58:20--> 00:58:57

just seeing them for their own journey as teenagers. And it is it's a very enter teenage ages are self centered, they're a bit blind, they have kind of like, tunnel vision. And me myself and I tunnel vision, that is their view their experience of their world. And we can either, you know, be compounding on them, hammering them constantly as parents expecting that they should be a certain way so that we can feel better about ourselves. Or we can just support them in their journey to seeing their place in the world as well. It's not easy. Just to Roselyn up, change your outlook. Look at how you deal with conflict, no harm to the law. That's awesome. Excellent. Good to hear you

00:58:57--> 00:58:57


00:58:59--> 00:58:59

All right.

00:59:03--> 00:59:06

We just keep track of the time. Okay, so

00:59:07--> 00:59:35

looking at now how it works in general, how does it work unpacking how it works? Your feelings come from your thoughts, not that person. Okay? This is a very profound reality check for us. Your feelings come from your thoughts, not that person. Because you know how we often will say to people, you're making me feel this way you're making me feel sad. You're making me feel neglected. You're making me feel unloved.

00:59:36--> 00:59:44

Okay, no one can make you feel that way. That's coming from what you're thinking about their behaviors. It's very important to realize it.

00:59:48--> 00:59:59

Okay, so feelings come from your thoughts, not that person. And also to remember to live in the present moment. The present moment is now don't live in the past how you know, the train of thought we go to them

01:00:00--> 01:00:39

Ask, Don't live fearing the future, the unknown future we have to leave it in Allah's hands. We're expected to live in the moment the choices you make right now the speech you choose right now the conduct you choose right now, your state of heart and intentions having a non judgmental approach and intention having an intention of love and Rama and kindness and warmth. Rather than attacking, defending, we have a choice, we always have a choice. You know, there's a quote that I have, that I used to have on a little plaque. And it was, if you have nothing else in life, you always have a choice. So we always have a choice on how we choose to see things, you know, that whole thing is a

01:00:39--> 01:00:48

cup half empty or half full, like that's a choice how you choose to see things, we always have a choice, this is one of the greatest blessing from Allah subhanaw taala, in that we have free will.

01:00:49--> 01:01:29

So no, that judgment falls away when you acknowledge that another person's perspective and feelings come from their thoughts. You can't expect that your peace and happiness is going to only come from a person being a certain way or doing a certain thing or thinking a certain way that they that you think they should think you have no control over them, or their thoughts or their decisions. Okay, this is what we have to relate to relinquish that control. Because that's when we feel when we depend on controlling others and how they should be. That's when we feel out of control when they don't conform and fall in line. And no one wants to be controlled. Imagine if we spent our lives I'm

01:01:29--> 01:02:08

trying to control my husband and kids the kids are trying to control me and my husband has was trying to control me and the kids. Everyone trying to control each other is going to be what a house full of conflict, house full of conflict. We have to let each other be as we are, but interact in ways that are healthy and loving and merciful. And according to the Islamic teachings, the Sunnah the Quran and Sunnah Prophet peace be upon him always love people in their individual uniqueness. And he accepted them in their uniqueness. He didn't try to impose his teachings or method on anyone he just lived by example, a peaceful thoughtful, God conscious example. And that's what impacted

01:02:08--> 01:02:50

others around him. You know, we looked at the sun now the sun is the Inside Out paradigm. Yeah, the sun is living upon the fitrah. That is the sun and this is what Islam teaches us from Allah. So you can only be aware of your own. So remember no need for judgment, there's no need for expectation, we have separate realities, which I'm going to talk about now. There's no need for untrue thoughts. If something's not true, you don't need it. Just let it fall away. That's not true. You know, just the example that I gave the husband said, spending time with you. It's not urgent isn't. And then you took yourself on the train of Oh, but my dad never used to spend time with me that means he didn't

01:02:50--> 01:03:27

love me. Then my mom and dad got divorced and then it wasn't in my life. And now husband saying you know it's not urgent is it means that that's an untrue thought to say that him saying is not urgent is it now means he's going to abandon me like my father. And I'm going to freak out and have a big meltdown. Because he just said it's not urgent and you don't care about me and I just want to time with you. Right? That's an untrue thought. Let that fall away. So again, if it's not urgent, what what is urgent, you could just ask what is urgent or when is the time let's just make that time. Just be chill, like, be chill, go with the flow. And to let the truth remain. The truth is what he

01:03:27--> 01:04:04

said and what he means. You need to ask him what he means by saying it's not urgent is it? Or a child saying you're a bad mom? That means it's true. Like I'm a bad mom. Ask them what do you mean? I'm a bad mom. They'll probably be like, Oh, you don't cuddle me enough? It'd be something like that. They don't actually mean you're a bad mom, bad mom. Literally. They just mean they want more hugs. The saying you're a bad mom is actually another way that if you dug a little bit deeper instead of defending and getting upset and internalizing and owning what is said about you being a bad mom, instead of asking, you know, I can say what do you mean by that? And then they say because

01:04:04--> 01:04:22

I feel like you don't hug me enough. They're actually just saying I want you to hug me more. You're a bad mom actually meant I want you to hug me more Subhanallah Well, you look at the conclusions that we can draw from things sometimes. So you guys probably seen this very common image. So if you have a look at this image what do you see? What do you guys see

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you guys are probably like

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what do I see? What is it? What is this image? What do you guys see in this image?

01:04:51--> 01:04:59

So what do you see someone turning the other way? A young lady or lady with head turned away? There's two. Yep. So some people will see

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Old Lady. So see here, the necklace here of the young lady. For some people, it's a mouth and chin and a big nose and the old lady is wearing like a veiled scarf thing. And some people see a young woman with her head turned away. This image, I guess I'm using it to depict to you that separate realities,

01:05:19--> 01:05:20

the con.

01:05:34--> 01:06:13

So with separate realities to know that people always will see things from their unique perspective and experience, and that's okay. So just know one of the sisters said, there's two, there's two images there. There's two ladies there. Some say no, there's only one, I can only see that there's a young lady, some will say no, no, I see an old lady. Some will say I don't see anything. So what this tells us reminds us all is the fact that there are different perspectives and different perceptions to situation. So you might look at a situation with your teenager or your your, your 12 year old, for example, a 12 year old son, and you're looking at a situation and you think, Oh, this

01:06:13--> 01:06:51

behavior, I'm not sure if that very good behavior or very good situation for you to get involved in. And then to your husband, and your husband might say no, it's no big deal. It's fine. And if you asked your, your child himself, what do you think about the situation? They'll be like, Yeah, I think this thing that we all have a different experience of the reality and our own interpretation or an understanding what that might be. That when we realize and acknowledge, and we're okay with the fact that there are separate realities, that's when we can have less conflict, more peace more calm, because we respect that you have your perception, I have my perception, and they have their

01:06:51--> 01:07:06

perception, and there are different perceptions. And they might all be right, there may not be only one right perception or something, that's okay, then you can kind of have a lot less judgement expectation of others and Sharla.

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Does that make sense that we know inshallah.

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So, in our homes, and in our conflict situations with our families, when we think about like labeling an example, like what I said, of a child, you know, saying you don't love me, or you're a bad mom, or the husband might say something like, Oh, you're useless. You're just useless or you don't listen, you know, or you don't listen to me you never listen, or these types of labeling things about who you are, you're useless. You're You're,

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you're this, you're that

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when we, how we are damaged by these things I can mentioned before is when we take ownership of things being labeled upon us, like you're not kind or, of course there are times when we want or need constructive feedback. But that's got to be at a really intimate time with someone very trustworthy, and someone who really has good intentions for you. But when we get labeled in the moment, from someone with an emotional outburst, or someone with their own emotional, psychological pain, and they label things on us, we have a choice. Remember, you always have a choice to internalize it and agree with it or not, if you agree with it, or you're threatened by it, or you're

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triggered by it, then that's on you. There's something going on within you that you need to address. So say for example, if someone says to you, you're purple,

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what would you say if I said to you, you're purple? What would you say? Or do you think about yourself?

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Say, I'm not purple? You're like in your mind, you'd be like, You're crazy. I'm not purple. I know. I know. I'm not purple. So what can you do with them saying you're purple, shrug it off? Just like if someone's saying, You never listen? Or you're? No, you're, you're an idiot, or you're useless? Or you're a bad mom. Write those things. You don't have to take ownership of them. Just like if I said to you, you're purple. You don't have to say, Yes, I'm purple. Oh, my gosh, I'm purple. You can just let the truth remain. So it might be someone says like, You're useless. They are just seeing that from their experience. Maybe they don't have appreciation. Maybe we don't know what the maybes are

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there are countless maybes. But we have to let the truth remain. The truth of the fact is, you know, within yourself, I'm trying my best. I am a good person. I do have good intentions.

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I could improve on my communication. The truth remains what you decide to think is the truth. Yeah, so that is your own unique journey and you're your own unique experience and you don't have to take ownership of negative things that others put on you. If you don't have ownership over what they're saying to you, and you are secure within yourself. There is no need for any argumentation. You know, an example would be like if in laws say something

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is a common one where people want a knee jerk reaction. You know, mother in law says that she's not a good wife for my son. And you know, in your dynamic with your husband, you absolutely are a good wife and he's happy with you and you guys are good. So let her say whatever she's gonna say water off a duck's back, let the truth remain, because what's the truth that you and your husband are fine, and he's happy with you as a wife, and he says to you, I'm happy with you as a wife. And your mother in law said that, leave that on her. Leave that with her, she will be accountable for her own words. So let the truth remain of any situation. And don't label things don't jump to conclusions

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and you know, fall into untrue. Be thoughts or beliefs. So stop doing what doesn't work, here's how the Inside Out paradigm doesn't work. Okay. The inside that paradigm doesn't mean that you shouldn't think and that you shouldn't feel. Okay. So it's not about stopping thoughts or stopping feelings, we actually can't stop thoughts. Our minds nonstop are flowing through thoughts all day, when we're whilst we're in a state of consciousness. Our thoughts are always flowing. So they're always moving and flowing. We're never just blank. They say do meditation and drop off thoughts. There's always thought there in your conscious and in your subconscious. We, you know, subconscious thoughts are a

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whole nother ballgame. Right? But just be aware that with the Inside Out paradigm, it's like I need to I need to just stop thinking, I need to just not feel you're always going to be thinking and feeling things. But it's about let the thoughts come. You watch those thoughts. You observe those thoughts you check in on them? Are they what you want? Are they true? Are they beneficial? Are they helpful? Are they judgmental? Notice what the thought is. And then you can stay on it and jump on the train with it. Or you can let it fall away? That one's not necessary. No, one's not true. So you call yourself out on your own thinking, rather than jumping on the thought train? Yeah. So you don't

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have to do anything with the Inside Out paradigm. You don't have to stop anything or force anything or change anything. Like the thought comes and thought was a negative one. Now I have to change it to a positive. That's not how the incident paradigm works. Okay, the incident paradigm is just about holding on to the truth, the truth of any given situation. And if it's not true or not beneficial, we just let it fall away. Just let it disappear. Stay with the truth, be be committed and dedicated to the truth, knowing the truth and thinking what is true.

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So you don't have to force anything, you don't have to implement anything, either. So it's known as what is known as subtractive. Psychology. You don't add things to think about or strategies, okay, when I think like this, now I need to do X, Y, Z. It's just it's subtractive. Psychology, like I said, Something's there that doesn't need to be there in your thoughts in your mind. You just let it fall away. Just let it like disappear. Takes you so you catch. You catch these thoughts. You see them there. And you look at it.

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Okay, so I'm feeling angry. It's coming from I'm thinking this thinking that they should be this I'm thinking they been so rude lately. I'm thinking about the past, I'm thinking if they stay, if they'd be if they stay rude, then they're going to be really rude in the future, and they're going to be miserable adults and you're thinking, thinking thinking, like, hang on, what is now child's being rude because they might be in a mood, they might have their own thoughts going on. This is what the children will do at certain stages of life. And that's okay. Okay, I choose that, that like that thoughts. That's more real to me, I'm gonna go with the real thought. So the false thoughts just

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fall away that unnecessary ones fall away. So subtractive psychology, so you just be be with what is right now? Not in the past, not in the future.

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Not in falsehood, in truth. Okay. So you don't have to stop thoughts. You don't have to fight thoughts just let them flow in and flow out, flow in and flow out and stay with what the thoughts are that you feel are the most true. And that will come from your fitrah which is goodness in you Yeah, the God given goodness and awareness that you have within your heart of right and wrong. And truth and falsehood. We all have this uniquely innately in us.

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Also important not to label thoughts as positive or negative. I might have done it by accident, like by habit saying positive thoughts, negative thoughts, sometimes that will come back it when you have your thoughts, it's best not to label them as positive or negative. They're just thoughts. You know, if you label them as positive or negative, then you might start labeling yourself as good or bad. Because sometimes you might see something. You might see someone and then you make a judgment about them. And then you'll be like, Oh my gosh, I'm judging again. And then you go oh, I'm a bad person is a bad thought. That's a negative thought I need

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Feeling good about others. And if you keep catching something like that, you might label yourself, as you know as negative. But really, we all have little thoughts that come and pass little moments of judgment that come and then they go, they come and then they go, just let thoughts just flow. They're just thoughts. Okay? The what's positive or negative is the behavior, okay? And behavior is due to thoughts and feelings that can be it's the behavior that's positive or negative. So the outcome of thoughts and feelings can be positive or negative. But we don't want to label thoughts or feelings as positive or negative, like anger. Anger is not positive or negative, like sometimes

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anger is, you're supposed to feel angry for the sake of Allah subhanaw, taala. And sadness, sadness is not a positive or negative, it's not a negative thing to feel sadness, it's a human thing, it's normal, to sometimes feel sad, you're supposed to feel sad, at certain times in life, right? So emotions, feelings are not positive or negative, then they're neutral. And they can be used for the positive or negative outcomes or behaviors. But they in themselves, emotions are a part of our human function, sadness, frustration, irritation, they're telling us something. Yeah.

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So hopefully, that is beneficial for you. So before we go into our closing points on the Islamic connection, just know that what happens to you does not define you. So it's very important. So something might have happened in the past you, but it doesn't define you. And this is why as you know, Inside Out paradigm, when it comes to, to things like trauma or looking at healing or looking at getting therapy.

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In the Inside Out paradigm we don't we there is no place for delving into the past to create

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realities for the future, or realities, even in the now. Because what's happened in the past no longer exists. And when we talk about it, and we bring it up now in life, now we talk about the past, and it's irrelevant, like now I have to look at the past because now, you know, if I don't look at the past, and I don't analyze it and pick out all the pieces of my past, then I can't continue on to have a good future. If we do that, then we actually end up reliving the past. And when we really relive the past, we relive the trauma of the past now, and that affects the experience of life that we have now. And then what can happen to is we can end up imprinting the

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trauma of the past into our now and then carrying that trauma into the future, thinking that because something happened in the past that was traumatic, now that directly

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that directly

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Sorry, I'm thinking now that my the trauma of my past directly now has an impact on my future. So now my future is limited or impacted because of my past and that's not the case at all. You know, as Muslims we know that the past you can wipe the past clean slate, clean slate if you want to start today afresh, you can start today afresh. So part of mental well being is that we don't continue to think that our minds are scrambled and our hearts are broken, and we need to be on a path of healing and recovery all throughout our lives because of things that have happened to us in our past. We can leave the past in the past and find our sense of Okay, right now in the moment, so that our our

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inshallah our future lives, we can always just be present in the moment and be okay and be thriving and striving in our lives for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. So, that sense of well being mental, emotional, spiritual well being it, it starts with us and ends with us, like it lives with us, we are the key, we are our own heroes panela.

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And as you guys can see from my story, there was no one who was going to save me from myself except myself, my state of joy and fulfillment in life was only going to come from me. And whilst I was busy, depending on others or thinking, or maybe it's my past, and I will look into my past and go No, but my past wasn't traumatic enough for me to feel so messed up now, internally. So I would even not invalidate myself going in circles trying to find external reasons from my past or the people around me as to why I was feeling so you know, I guess unsettled and unfulfilled in my in my in my relationships and in the dynamic within my heartland. When the answer lied, we lied with me

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Spamalot. And that's where where I needed to start and where my answers were found is Pamela. So remember what happens to you does not define you and we can see that in examples around us all the time. There are some people in the world who have been through immense, immense trauma, unimaginable trauma, and neglect and abuse. and they are absolutely amazing individuals doing amazing things more than us who are

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I'm quoting, you now have been quite sheltered or protected in our lives growing up upon a loss. So what happens to you does not define you, you define you, you define yourself. It's what you choose to think about yourself and your life and those around you that will define your experience in this lifespan alone.

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All right. So to make a few points before we wrap up this summit connection, does how does the Inside Out paradigm tie in to Islam as you guys hopefully have seen, it doesn't conflict with our deen or Islam. As you know what I've mentioned to you, there's nothing weird, there's no like woowoo kind of,

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you know, stuff that is a bit airy fairy. It's just solid, psychological facts of thoughts coming feelings coming from your thought in the moment, and nothing else, just your thoughts or where your experience of life comes from. And if you can just be aware of your thoughts, then inshallah your life will change your experience of life will change just by simply being aware of your thoughts. So look at the Islamic connection with the Inside Out paradigm and our etiquette in our homes. And in dealing with conflict. In Islam. We know that we're supposed to give up arguing, even if we're right, yeah, we're supposed to give up arguing even if we're right. And this is meritorious. This is

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a good, good act, a very blessed noble act in for us as Muslims. Even if we're right, we stop arguing because we're not supposed to engage in conflict. There's no benefit in it. Goodness comes from it. We also know that in all of us affairs, we're supposed to trust Allah subhanaw taala. So when we're thinking about the past, and we're like, oh, this happened to me, that happened to me, and people hurt me and my trust was broken. That was all part of Allah's plan. Do you trust him? You have to trust Him, we have to trust him. That's the only way through that was all his plan. I wasn't in control, he decreed that for me and some of my best life lessons will come from the things that

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are experience in the past and in the future. And also the future worrying about the future fearing about the future. If you're doing your best today and living in the moment today. And you leave the future to Allah Subhana Allah is planning and his wisdom, do you trust Him, He will take care of it, he'll take care of play out whatever is meant to be. So whatever comes your way each day, you know, it's just the rolling process of life, that Allah brings things in and he takes things out, he puts hardships and He grants ease, he's the one in control, he is the controller. So you flow with that. And through the Inside Out paradigm, you know, the awareness of your feelings coming from thought

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that you can just live in a beautiful state of present presence in the in the moment, presence in healthy thought, you know, in thoughts of the reality of every situation in front of you that you're always blessed. Allah is always blessing you. He doesn't stop blessing, you're always blessed, whether it's a blessing or gift, or whether it's a hardship testing situation all of it is a blessing from Allah subhanaw taala so inside up paradigm allows you to really step into trusting him with what's going on in front of you in that moment.

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Also that thinking good we there's a Hadith of the Prophet peace be upon him said thinking good of Allah is a form of worship. So something you know, someone's misbehaving in front of you your husband's misbehavior children was paving and maybe you're misbehaving. Okay? But to know that you think good of Allah, like Allah is testing me in in how I'm going to react to this person in this situation and I'm gonna do deal with it in the best way. Because I love Allah, Allah, Allah, He loves me. And he's, you know, he's just testing me in this situation, but this person is still a blessing in my life, whether they're good or bad, they are a blessing. Because there's lessons to

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take anything good of Allah, this is worshipping Allah subhanaw taala. Remember that Allah is the controller of the hearts when a yarmulke liberal clubs a bit called Viola Denecke, or control of the hearts make my heart steadfast in the deen in the religion, we say in that dua that prophetic to either he's the control of the hearts. So Allah is the one who's in control of the feelings. So if Allah is in control of your heart and your feelings and what you experience in life, then that means what does that mean? If Allah is the control of the hearts, that means no one else is in control of your heart. No one else is in control of how you feel. Your husband, your loved ones, your parents,

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your children, they do not have control, they're not allowed to have control, you're not allowed to let them have any control of your heart. Because we're supposed to believe that Allah subhanaw taala is the control of the one and only control of the hearts. So do you see how this ties into our Islamic context? Also, that when you live in the moment, being present in the moment, being grateful for that moment, seeing every moment as a blessing. This is like, you know, connecting yourself to the essence of for as a Muslim that we live in a state of time.

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For God consciousness, you're conscious of Allah. You're living now, in this moment. It's a test. It's a blessing. It's beautiful. I'm grateful. This is taqwa is Alhamdulillah. Yeah, someone's acting erratically or being moody or discriminate misbehaving in your home or, you know, not being very thoughtful about your your needs, or you know, maybe you've been emotionally neglected by your parents or by your spouse. But Allah wants to Allah has never neglected you. So you still feel fulfilled. Because you don't need anything from anyone else. Yeah, you are always whole. You're always content you're with Allah subhanaw taala your content, your taqwa is there you don't need any

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other food to nourish your fulfillment and well beings Pamela.

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And also, the final points or how it ties into Assam is knowing that extremes in emotion when our emotions get the better of us, when our thoughts are not healthy, and our emotions become extreme. We learn in the Islamic tradition that I that that is when shade blind can affect us in extreme anger, extreme sadness, and extreme fear. The three heightened emotions when they're extremely heightened, that is when Shetland has quick and easy access to us, Pamela, so we more than anyone else should know as Muslims, we don't want Shaitan to have too much, you know, any access or influence over us. So we don't want to be in heightened states of emotion. So we need to keep our

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thoughts in check what's going on with my thoughts that my emotions are becoming so heightened? Yeah, I remember I had times that like early in my marriage where I'd get so emotionally worked up. I'd like be like hyperventilating oh my god, like I just can't cope. I don't know what to do. And now if I think back I don't even know what those times were about. Like I don't even know what it was probably a really small conflict, you know, early marriage conflict. I just couldn't regulate because in my mind, I was not seeing reality for what it was, I was caught in this like false realities panel of what I thought life should be. So inshallah those points are helpful for you guys

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in terms of the Islamic context. So some quick concluding points inshallah for us to kind of review what to take away.

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To know that feelings come from for and nothing else, that we are living in the feeling of our thinking. And we experience the world through thought in the moment to know that each and every person is experiencing is experiencing their life according to their own unique reality. And that's okay. Let people experience this. You're free individuals were separate people, separate realities. And that's okay for everyone to have their own separate reality. You alone are responsible only for your choices and reactions, only you're responsible. Living in the truth and in the moment is easier, more peaceful and less fearful than doing otherwise. And sometimes you see the truth and

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sometimes you don't, you will get clouded. Sometimes we will regress, we will kind of like fall back and relapse. But that's okay. Yeah. But we want to aim to see the truth more and more. Your thoughts are the key to your safety, peace and freedom. Your thoughts are the key. You want to feel peace, you want to feel safety, you want to feel freedom, you don't need anything around you to feel that you could be locked in a prison. You could be in a refugee camp. But how you choose to you know how you think about that situation? is the key to feelings of peace, safety and freedom. The future is from the unseen live labor. So we cannot assume our predictions to be true. Which Hamdulillah I

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learned the hard way. Yeah, looking for my utopian Disney slash slash ideal Islamic marriage and family life. Okay, so we can't assume that our predictions are how things should be. Sometimes we need to see things for what they are imperfectly perfect. It's one of my favorite thing to know that everything in your life right now is imperfectly perfect. as perfect as it is because it was decreed by Allah. And yes, it has some imperfection according to your own interpretation. But that's that's fine. It's imperfectly perfect. And remembering sisters you are always okay. You're always okay. Allah wants to Allah is always with us. You know, there's a one of the two hours it says you're my

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full luck is in your grasp, you know, you're full of this part of your head. In the dry you say like, Oh Allah, like, if you let go of that grass, like where will I be? I am nothing I don't exist. I am lost to the world. If I'm not in your grasp almost once Allah has us by our forelock this part. So you're always okay because Allah is always there with you. You're never out of control. You're never lost to the world. You never abandon. You're never truly alone. You're never doomed. You're never doomed. You're always okay in that moment, and you just have to check in with