Muslim Family 2 – How To Have A Happy Marriage

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Ali Albarghouthi

Channel: Ali Albarghouthi

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Episode Notes

The second lecture in this series explores the ways we can improve our family life and bring more happiness to us and those around us. The lecture introduces 12 points to help us achieve these goals.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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swindler hamdu Lillah

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wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah sahbihi wa sallam.

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hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen. So this is the second lecture, inshallah and the course are in the series on the Muslim family.

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And the title of today's lecture is how to have a happy marriage, or if you are ready have a happy marriage inshallah a happier marriage.

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And all of these lectures are connected to the ones that are before them, so, it's going to build on them. So next lecture, inshallah, you're going to hear me in this one, reference the next one to come and say, we're gonna be talking about this in more detail in the next one. So they are building on each other, and they're connected to the other inshallah, so if you want the whole product, listen to the whole thing, and shall or attend all of them, and they're available to me, if you're physically here and handed in, if not, they recorded. So go back and Sharla and see and watch and

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share with me your questions or comments or experience, because this only enriches, inshallah, whatever we're having here.

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So how to have a happier marriage? So I have about 11 or 12 points, and we'll go through them inshallah finish in an hour, inshallah. Not for less, we'll see the ninja. So the first point

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is start, right.

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Start, right. Because the way that you start inshaAllah determines what happens next.

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And the start of any project, right? Right, is fundamental. Because if you start right within love, and next steps that will follow just like building something. If the foundation is good, and strong, what are you going to put on top inshallah the following days, months and years

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are going to be productive, and happy and what you want. But if it's not, then you'd be building upon a mistake, or corruption. So when I mean, what I mean by start, right is, first of all the first lecture that we talked about. So all of it. So start right in your selection, how you select, how you approach this selection, what's important to you and what's not. So that's the first lecture. The second thing is that engagement period. So I've received the request to talk a little bit about engagement of hutzpah. So what is it? What is the declaration of intent? Right? You went to visited the family, you talk to this potential mate, you agree, you see that you fit? And so the

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male typically that's how it happens, right? The male goes and he says to the family, I want to marry your daughter. I want to be engaged and engagement is a promise to be married. This is what the polka talk about when they mentioned Clif Bar It's a promise What am I getting married to so and so? So the father the wedding of course in consultation with that

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girl says yes. So they become engaged.

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That period right is designed for you to move towards marriage right to know each other a little bit more. But of course to agree on the details and what is going to happen next etc etc, etc.

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It's not a period for Hillel dating

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Jani, some people think it's validating meaning that and I know that by the way, there are different cultural arrangements. Right? So some people don't even have engagement by okay just get married directly. But they call it by different names get Wilkie tab and then. So engagement is basically I want to be engaged to your daughter. She's not your wife yet. You're not his wife yet.

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That means what? You can just go come home and take her out to eat. Go out with her to the mall, give her a ride back and forth. Or sometimes we say okay, we'll put somebody in the middle gets you let your sister go out with your with your with your friends. Go out with your friends, and he's also with you. Right? That's really not appropriate. Right? He's he is still a stranger, though he has a title of being the hot lip. And she's the mokuba still, but still, he's a stranger. So don't you know be so permissive, whether you're the parent, or the man or the woman Don't be so permissive in that period, because Subhanallah you don't know if eventually they will get married or not.

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Right? eventually will it happen or not. So if they break off the engagement

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if they've

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You allowed them to go out or you allow yourself to do this. First of all right, you build sort of a strong emotional connection between the two are heartbreak will follow of these eight, either one of them says, No, I don't want it anymore. Second, you have to worry about the reputation of both of them. Or she's been out with this person, you know, he's been seen out with her here and there, that's not good for either, either of them. So emotionally, it's not sound, reputation wise, religiously, it is not sound, right. So you want to avoid this and more Annie, essentially, he's still not married to her, she's still not his wife. So Still, the distance the barrier needs to be

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there. We talked last time about the fact that it's permissible for them to communicate electronically, right? We said that that's permissible. So when they're engaged, they can do that.

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Communicate electronically. Some other elements said he can talk to her on the phone, she can talk to him, provided that what both parents know that this is happening. Right? Second, whatever they're saying is Hello.

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By the end, and it's meaningful, it's Helen, and it's meaningful, not like, you know, how are you doing today? Honey, I'm good at hamdulillah are you doing darling? The not that, but something meaningful? And they're talking about their future inshallah, right. And it's also to a limited period, engagement shouldn't last for years.

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Why?

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engagement is supposed to be a couple of weeks, few weeks, a couple of months till everybody gets ready, and then you get married, this is how it's supposed to be not will just endure, they'll be engaged now. And then they will stay engaged for one or two or more years, and then they'll get married. That doesn't work. That doesn't work, right. So this is what the engagement period in is. So what I was saying, start right know, the limitations, the responsibilities, the intent of that engagement period, and fulfill that inshallah. What follows inshallah is the wedding,

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the wedding celebration.

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And this is still under, start, right? Take the right first steps. And there are Sun Moon karate in the wedding night, right? There's someone karate in the wedding night, some sins that we commit, when we plan this big celebration, or this celebration, doesn't have to be big, but this celebration, right? So it's permissible, of course to be happy, right? Helen? That's fine. There's nothing wrong with to be happy. What's wrong is to transform this happiness into something that Allah subhanaw taala hates, for instance, right? If there is a sense in that celebration, mixing between men and women, right, some people Subhanallah they even serve or let people serve alcohol

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during that time. Or music, right.

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Also excessive, wasteful spending,

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excessive wasteful spending,

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that I heard that some people could end up spending for that night alone 1000s upon 1000s of dollars, and I was tempted really to hear like 20 3040 or more 1000s of dollars, just for that night. And you have to ask yourself, why so much. And what is your intent? If your intent is a good one, meaning I want to be happy, I want to make my parents happy. I want to announce the wedding. So Eonni a good intention. Allah subhana wa tada will bless you, and this effort and that union, but is this the intent is to show

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Okay, or brand, they had this wedding, so I have must have something like it or better. And I've heard also the parents are the ones who push it more than the children. They want to have that because they want to brag about it. They want to pose to their friends or to their relatives, look at my daughter, look at my son. So this is very wasteful. And then the children are strapped for money afterwards. Because when you spend so much money after a month, two months, six months, a year later, they when they don't have a lot of money, because we wasted all of that on that night and getting ready for it. And that's not Weiss. So you're adding stress to their life. Right, adding

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trouble to their life by insisting that they should do all of this or by insisting that you should do this. And you and you look at the wedding of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam which is basically they were Lima.

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Basically what you're supposed to do is when you get married, you invite people to eat. This is it, you invite people to eat, and it's not going to cost you that much. That's the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you want to do more, you can do more if you want, but don't reach that limit or that border of Israel wasting money. So when you waste money now, we have

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In in and mobile the Rena can with one thing they are the brethren those who waste the wasteful of the brethren of the shaytani bringing the shape on and the work of the shape on.

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So these are quick reminders inshallah

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and talking about them are also starting right. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says halal Nick a subtle, the best of marriages are the easiest, or hydroseeding a subtle, the best of Maha is what? easiest, right? Not the difficult one, not the one that you burden yourself and the other family wouldn't that's not what Allah subhana wa Taala likes. So if you want Baraka for yourself, Baraka for your family, this is what you're supposed to do. And I'll just share with you something that the Allahu said that is, it's an enumerator.

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And it's Allah, He says lead to how to solder aneesa I said don't exaggerate. Right, the dowry or don't exaggerate that thing. Hello, Kenneth micrometer and cydonia in the lake and Allah wa cumbia Mohammedan Salatu was in it's as if it was honor. And it's pay a lot for the daughter, right to marry. If it was something honorable in this dunya or taqwa in the era, who would be most worthy of it. It would be a prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam and he says mas Ratan Minister, Mr. Tony monetti extra minutes Natasha Tapia, it says whether it was a woman he married or one of his daughters. There's nothing more that was given to them that 12 All right, so I've looked online and

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somebody calculated that today's currency may be around $600 right a lot I'm about the accuracy but $600 right 600 to

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eight 600 700 $800 maximum right. So said Don't exaggerate This is the maximum that they were given. An interesting here it says at the end this is Omar still talking we're in Raja youth kilo sakata marotti Hakuna Adela contain FC Calif to LA ke Elba it says an indeed a person will be so burdened to pay that much money, any Think about it. It's the Maha preparation for everything right. And everything else that is asked of him the house the car and this and that. He says I've been burdened so much. He says that he develops what

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annuity in his heart towards the woman. It says I've been burdened so much. Even the rope you tie the water bottle with even that I have to give it to you. And it has nothing left in my pocket. So he says you burden a person so much, to that extent, right? So Hey, yo, nigga Hey, sir, when you make it easy, there'll be Baraka in it. So start right.

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Part of it also is added but not going to go also through all of it. But at daboo as the right. We have to read about that. What do you what do you do on the first night? What do you do on the first night, right? Meaning

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you you're alone for the first time. And there's a depart from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you have to memorize that and you have to say it. And from the sin of the prophets, a lot of his enemies that you start that night by Torah guys, right? He prays and she's behind him following

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and that is one of the things that will increase love between the couple.

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Why? Because even though they allow and who was asked them person came to him and he said I married a woman, afraid she won't like me.

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And he won't like me. When he says in a mean Allah, He says indeed, a love and hatred are fun. A lot and you don't have no control over them right? But it's from Allah as origin. So he recommends that so the on your first night this is what you're supposed to do and he directs them to do this. That is when you start right Bismillah Allah subhana wa tada will bless what follows on that night. You want to follow the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

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the etiquette but what did he do? What did he recite all of that? So this is the first point start right. The second

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point is a man is the basis of a happy marriage.

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You and one of the most important points that I will share with you tonight inshallah is this one. And if you remember anything else, for yourself and others just remember this one. A man is the basis is the foundation of a happy marriage, a solid marriage. First of all,

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Allah subhana wa tada remember the I we started last lecture with what jalapeno Kumar did an order of man he had put

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between, you know, a love and mercy. Where does it come from?

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Laszlo did remember that? Because he can do everything that in your power, but love may not be there, but rather hatred. Right? So how do you bring it Allah azzawajal is the one who can change hearts

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put love or allow it to live.

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So think about that.

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So

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a lot of legitimate talks about something in the Quran, which is building a Masjid, but it is related to what we're talking about.

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So when Allah Subhana Allah says in Surah Toba limus due to an OC Salah tecoma volume in a hardcore Wi Fi region on your head buena yasuharu. He says, the masjid that was built on top of from the first day that's more worthy that you stand in southern India in it in it in that Masjid are men who seek purification? Okay, think about that. Then you move to the next area and the law says the law you have one Mata Hadean, Allah loves those who purify themselves and they says FM SS abou Nana who Allah tacoman Allah He will read one

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is the one word built msgid based on the taqwa

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and the pleasure of Allah is this better, or one whose foundation were built on a cliff?

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unstable, and it's gonna collapse into that not have Johanna, the fire of Johanna which one of the two is better? So the other one and though it's msgid By the way, it's msgid a lot as they're really saying that his foundations are what not on taqwa building msgid building a house building a nation building a family. They're all the same.

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They're all the same. It says the foundation is not on taqwa. Because it's not on taqwa, not on what Allah loves. It's not stable. And so it will collapse.

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So the foundation or the intent or what you do with that union, why you had that union? What are you doing throughout this union, which is marriage, if it's not solid, it was not pleasing to Allah means that the foundation's the structure is not stable, and it will collapse versus another which is the other message the other house that is built on taqwa? What is the law say about it? That is stable. It does not collapse. And so Pamela, What's in it? Our men are men and women who like to purify themselves. That's the difference between the two structures. And that's the difference between the two houses and the two families. If the foundation is a man,

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then it's stable.

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Why? Who's in it? are men and woman who are purifying themselves or close to Allah? So then the other one is not stable? Right?

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So when you want to ask yourself, you know, how is my marriage doing? How can I fix my marriage? Right? One of the first things you should ask yourself to talk more about that next time would you ask yourself or anybody's complaining to you about their marriage? How is your How are you with Allah xojo?

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How are you with Allah? How was your Salah? How was your a bad? How's your Koran? How was your?

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How was your?

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How are you the harem? This the shaytaan have a place in your house or not? Are you bringing the Baraka of Allah in your house? Are you bringing the shale clean in it? Ask yourselves because the shale team, this is a playing ground for the shale thing. Of course you're having trouble in your house. But if you bring in the bank of Allah as we're going through all the bad and staying away from the Heron, of course, of course Allah subhana wa tada would bless it. So you understand the way to strengthen

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house is to be close to Allah azza wa jal and to build it on email and to increase this email and stay away from Haram. If not, then sin brings hatred,

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anxiety, confusion in the house.

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It will shake its foundations, because the shaytan is there.

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And by the way, you know, in addition, you know, you say okay, I want her to love me, I want him to love me.

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But when you obey Allah subhanho wa Taala, this person will love you more,

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if they are pious, because they will also love you for the sake of Allah Subhana with that,

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because the connection between me and you right now it could be a physical connection

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or connection based on some common interest but when you find that this other person is obedient to Allah as close to Allah and this is important to you. Allow quick love between you will strengthen this love. So now you love this person for more than one reason

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For a lot of surgeons, that's one for the physical appearance also maybe for their kindness maybe and the love will increase in Shell right. So when you have a man your love will increase for them.

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Point number this should be for number one, oh yes, this should be point number three then. So point number three. Amen is the basis, which is connected to the second point A man is the basis of good character

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and sound judgment.

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What do I mean by that? What follows the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, life akumina momina in Korea, Amina hollowcore of the image of Colorado. He says, a believing man does not hate a believing woman.

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Or you can translate it as should not hate a believing woman if he is or if he hates one characteristic a quality of hers. He likes or loves another quality or characteristic

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and a very interesting Hadeeth

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whether you translate it as he should, or it is it's telling you that how the believer should be with a believing woman.

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And notice he called more men and more Amina Mormon and more Amina

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because as a woman,

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your judgment

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will be based on your email.

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And you will be fair meaning I look at this person or that person, especially your spouse, your wife,

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I may hate to one particular aspect that she has, you know, one of her qualities are not good.

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But jealous, a bit suspicious, loud, sometimes stubborn, or whatever it is stubborn sometimes wasteful, sometimes you can be some 123 qualities I don't like.

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But as a believer, when you read this Howdy.

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What are you supposed to look at?

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There's something else?

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Where is this coming from? Because she has email

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is her email and pushes her to gain these beautiful qualities even if she has flaws. But to gain these beautiful qualities. So yes, she is has this bad thing. But also She's good. Some other ways. She's kind. She's attentive. She cares about me. She cares about the children. She loves a loss of Hannah with that, uh, you know that Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam wanted to leave hafsa, right.

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wanted to leave his wife for the unhappy who came down and told him not to

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jabril

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gibreel came. Notice gibreel came on her behalf. It's not like her father Omar came on her behalf, not she had to talk. Debris came on her behalf. And he says go back to her. Why? Who remembers a NASA woman from kurama she fasts a lot and praise a lot at night.

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gibreel alehissalaam came on behalf of half. So to say this now jabril is now going to come on my behalf on your behalf. Right? You wish but it's not going to happen. But you still have angels of Allah as though gel around you right. And they will put that in your heart in her heart to do this.

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So the same thing with with the wife, when looking at the husband, there's something you know he's stubborn,

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he's stingy a little bit. Right? He yells a lot. He has a temper whatever it is, but at the same time, so she said she doesn't focus on this or one or two bad qualities. Because if you exaggerate, then that becomes the only thing you care about. And life would that person who becomes intolerable and you can stay with them anymore. That believing man or believing woman doesn't do this. They are just says yes, there is something that can work on it. But there's some other goods that are things so it's worth saying with this person with this man or this woman. So now if there will be no hatred, I mean in some cases, they can just they simply cannot stay with each other but the prophets

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Allison misogyny, this should be the normal, right? You try your best.

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And even Allah Subhana Allah says in the Quran, by the last panel dialysis, why should we

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live with them? With the aid of model or a practicing model? What is my roof? What people recognize to be appropriate, honorable behavior.

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Right. She deserves to be respected and so does he. Right? So and all these aspects of different ways of respect and honor, this is called moto

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moto. That's a command from Allah.

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panatela Be kind to them. Then Allah says fame carry to Muna, but if you hate them

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fast and Takahashi perhaps you will hate something. Why ajala lofi halen Katia but Allah will put a lot of good in it.

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So this is a loss of Hannah what to Allah telling you, Hey, don't brush. Even sometimes when you hate something about them don't brush and divorce, because maybe you will hate something about them. But Allah will put a lot of good in them, say what is it, maybe she'll give you a child

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and will become pious bite and I'll put a lot of good in this person. Maybe she you will become old and she will take care of you like no one else. Maybe she'll be too good oriented, very good to your family when they need her support. And she'll be like that cetera, et cetera, in ways that you cannot handle or comprehend at this moment. So this is a loss of Hannah what Allah says, hold on, don't give up so quickly. And it's the same thing for the ladies as well. Right? Good works both ways.

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Number four, we talked about that a little bit. But I mentioned it again. Which is avoid the Florida conception, ideas about romance.

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Right. So we talked about that last time, remember?

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So

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what do we bring our ideas of who's romantic? And what is romance? What does it come from?

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media, right? media. And it's convenient to have the media to blame for everything. Isn't that is the media's fault. Okay.

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Yeah, we watch these movies. We watch the series, you read these novels. And you think that the way that this person is being romantic, I, oh, he bought me gifts or bought me flowers bought me candy took me out on a vacation surprised me this way that this is reality. And we start demanding that from our either husbands or wives Oh, you're not romantic enough. You know, you don't do these things to me. You know, you're and you're not as romantic as you were before. But this is not real life.

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Now what?

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over? Yeah, maybe Oh, yeah. You don't bring me flowers anymore. Okay. So it's not real life. And we said before, right? Even those people who write these novels, act in these movies and series, right, they don't live these types of lives. They're living lies, where they get married, they get divorced, they sue each other. That's real life. But in front of the screen, they show you the best, which is hypocritical, if you know that this is not real. Why are you fooling all of us, especially the young. But Subhanallah there are people who get divorced because of

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right? They get the because we start thinking that that is reality. And looking down at whatever their husbands and wives are doing for them. And they that's not enough. And I want this type of life, that fiction. So it's not real. And you have to realize that it's not real.

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Of course, there's added pressure when you have these. I don't know, anniversaries or special holidays. You know, Valentine's is coming, right? Valentine's Day is coming. So so I'm not going to go with you about halal and haram. So we're going to fight over this. Yeah, I should do it. I shouldn't do it in all of this. But think about it, who came up? Think about a to came up with these holidays. And with these particular expressions of how you're supposed to be a romantic person who came up with this. Think about it.

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It's probably people at some point in history sitting in the boardroom by saying to themselves, you know what, we want to sell flowers.

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Try convincing, start convincing people that they should buy flowers on that particular occasions in that occasion, when people die, and they get married, convincing that they should buy flowers, we say okay, start start advertising this. And people start accepting that. And the people who are selling candies and chocolates say what about us? And also us buy.

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And that's not an exaggeration, by the way, right? You know, that tradition of buying a diamond ring for the engagement and marriage started by the diamond camp companies. Diamond companies took out ads, the early 20th century right to count ads, as she deserves the best.

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You have to give her diamonds.

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Somehow somehow he and I became popular now everybody and in our Muslims, everybody wants to get married. You have to go to the diamond store. Buy diamond. And he somebody made this up. So as a Muslim Subhanallah it leaves important for now as a Muslim. You have to rise above this. Just don't just copy. They're doing this. I'm going to do this by just copying a mainstream culture, copy whatever you know is in vogue at this point.

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And rise above it and become a critic and say I don't want to parrot what other people are doing. Yes, it doesn't, you know, Subhanallah, you can honor your wife, right? By giving her gifts by being kind and this and that, but don't follow, don't imitate, and don't demand it. And otherwise, if you do not imitate what others are doing, then you're not good to me. You're not romantic, right? So don't put that pressure on yourself, on and on others rise above it inshallah, become a critic, and devise your own way. Don't imitate devise your own way define your own path of being, or conveying how much you love your wife conveying how much she loves you.

00:30:42--> 00:30:43

Number five,

00:30:44--> 00:30:51

we marriage, of course, it comes this excitement and euphoria with anything new, right? Then that goes down.

00:30:52--> 00:31:01

And there is after that, and adjustment period, that adjustment period, sometimes is difficult, right? You're getting used to someone,

00:31:03--> 00:31:17

you don't know them, you don't know their habits and qualities, likes and dislikes. A lot of these things, you're concealed from us, because in the beginning, right, you don't have the chance Subhanallah you don't have the chance to discover everything and you're not supposed to.

00:31:18--> 00:31:32

But when you get married, you start discovering more and more about this person. So there is this adjustment period. And that is a critical period requires both patience, right? flexibility,

00:31:33--> 00:31:36

and any the ability to forgive.

00:31:37--> 00:31:42

So, yes, there's excitement in the beginning, like with buying or acquiring anything new.

00:31:44--> 00:31:46

But then that must go down.

00:31:47--> 00:32:01

But what follows in Sharla, is a better period, and that is of you getting used to her and she's getting used to you, and building life together, building common experiences, but unfortunate for you to build a common experience. You need what you need time.

00:32:03--> 00:32:17

And then you'll have common stories, right? common goals, things that you shared, funny stories, interesting stories, projects, plans, but that requires time. So give yourself time.

00:32:18--> 00:32:28

And there was a panel, one story and I tried to actually go and trace it, I couldn't find it for tonight. A person was married

00:32:29--> 00:32:31

at the time of the prophet or before or after

00:32:33--> 00:32:42

a person married right and on that night, you know, you wanna you want it to come closer, and she said, stop it before you know we go any further, let me know.

00:32:43--> 00:32:46

What is it that you like? And what is it that you dislike?

00:32:47--> 00:32:58

So that if you like something? Okay, I would do it. Make sure that I will do it. And if you dislike and you hate something, I'm sure that I I would avoid it. Right?

00:33:00--> 00:33:10

So she's asking him to pan along this is very wise from the beginning, let me know. Right? Who are you? Right? And the things that you hate, so that I would avoid.

00:33:12--> 00:33:18

And that's a panel on the man he was the woman he is that from a man. So panela You know, it melts your heart.

00:33:20--> 00:33:56

And you begin when you want to do the same thing with the other person, when you see that they are that forgiving, and that gracious? Then you want to be the same thing for that person? And then you would say and I also what is the thing that you hate, so I would avoid it and the things that you like, so I would avoid it. And it's a nice conversation to have been the beginning. And every once in a while what is it that you hated? What is it that you've done and had some kind of lie You know, hurt your feelings? And or you've done something to hurt my feeling of the wife asks, and a conversation Sharla develops? Obviously, of course, still under this point, don't expect perfection

00:33:57--> 00:34:16

from anyone. Right? We're not perfect right ourselves. Right? So if I'm not perfect, how can I expect perfection from the other person that's not available. So you have to accept that the other person will have flaws will make mistakes. And you must be able insha Allah to forgive.

00:34:18--> 00:34:27

So if your perfect demand that perfection from them, we'll talk more about it in sha Allah, but if not, then don't expect it. Don't demand it because it's not going to be there.

00:34:29--> 00:34:44

Point number six inshallah, you should know the rights of the husband and the wife, husbands and wives. The man should know his rights and responsibilities. And the wife should also study and know her rights and her responsibilities.

00:34:46--> 00:34:49

The way that you are with a person is the way that they will be with you.

00:34:51--> 00:34:57

Right, the way that you are with them is the way that they will be with you. If you are merciful, they'll be one

00:34:58--> 00:34:59

likely merciful

00:35:00--> 00:35:03

The Prophet sallallahu wasallam says Monday are

00:35:05--> 00:35:15

the one who's not merciful shall not receive mercy, not only from Allah subhana wa data but also from the people around. Right? If you don't forget,

00:35:17--> 00:35:18

you won't be forgiven.

00:35:19--> 00:35:20

If you blame

00:35:23--> 00:35:36

the other person will blame you. That's how it is. That's how humans are. So the way that you are, this is how your mate will be with you shaping them. Right? Let me see if that other thing was here or under the next one.

00:35:37--> 00:35:38

As Sunday, the next one.

00:35:40--> 00:35:40

Right.

00:35:42--> 00:35:46

And before you stress, your rights, stress your responsibilities.

00:35:48--> 00:35:56

Before you stress, your rights, demand, everything that they owe you ask yourself, have I given them everything that they want from me?

00:35:57--> 00:36:08

That I owe to them? A lot, as the gentleman says, with a whodunit mystery lady Allah in the model. And they have, as far as rights, something similar to what is upon them.

00:36:09--> 00:36:22

That is, they have rights, and you have rights, they have responsibilities, and they have responsibilities, if you want to give, okay, if you want to, if you want them to give you you have to give to them.

00:36:23--> 00:36:38

And one of the Sahaba maybe it's an Omar rhodiola Han, who says he says, I do not want to exhaust all my rights from her, because I cannot give her all of her rights. And if you demand everything, you should be able to give everything, can you give everything.

00:36:39--> 00:37:15

So don't demand everything. Right? So his wisdom of the law, and he says I cannot ask her for everything. Because I know that I cannot give everything so I'm going to forgive her so that she can forgive me. Right? So know your rights and know your responsibilities. But before and this is you know, also in solving, you know, problems, says that he's not doing this and he's not doing this or she's not doing this. I said before complaining about them. What is it that you're doing? Because if you take care of what you have to do, then that the other part is easy to take care of, but take care of what you have to do.

00:37:16--> 00:37:19

And just a couple of ahaadeeth insha Allah just to stress that point.

00:37:21--> 00:37:49

For the woman, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says that if a woman prays her five prayers, and she fasts the month of Ramadan, and she is chased. Well, I thought so Jan, she obeys. Her husband pleaded with holy minute, gentlemen, a web agenda T shi t. So if she does all of this Salah fasting, she's chaste and she obeys her husband, it will be set to her. Go and enter Jana from any of the doors of gender you wish to and to Jennifer

00:37:51--> 00:38:15

so cmas of Hannah law, right? It's not impossible. Right? The prophets Allah sent me stressing what the basics and you add to it when you get married, you obey the husband in maroof. Right? in obedience of Allah subhana wa Tada. And then you can choose whatever door of the doors of gender you can enter. So Subhana Allah, this is a very high station that you can reach by just doing this.

00:38:16--> 00:38:26

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says he's also been you say, Hey, I'll take good care of them. We'll talk about this Hadeeth next time in sha Allah, good take good take good take good care of them.

00:38:27--> 00:39:03

And he also sets a lot he will send them will Hiroko, Hiroko, Lisa, him the best of you are the best to their wives. The best of you are the best to their wives, because they deserve your best kindness. Right? Your best attention, your best care. So if you give it to them, it means that you're obedient to Allah zodion right. So if you want to be the best, you'd be the best to them. Not the best your friends. Leave it to them now the best to your people in the masjid when you meet them know best till your household right

00:39:05--> 00:39:16

now, so number seven I think num point number seven. Here good manners. This is the importance of practicing good manners in the house.

00:39:18--> 00:39:28

Patience, forgiveness, looking the other way and shorter consultation. So it's patience forgiveness, looking the other way and consultation.

00:39:30--> 00:39:34

Both of you has been in why car driving the same vehicle.

00:39:35--> 00:39:45

If you're fighting over directions and where you know the cell with a serious cheery steering wheel and where you're supposed to go left and right you may not reach your destination. If you cooperate

00:39:47--> 00:39:48

if you consult

00:39:49--> 00:39:59

your reach your destination but if you're fighting every step of the way, and there's a tyrant behind Subhanallah the steering wheel right of course the others will complain

00:40:01--> 00:40:03

But if you consult,

00:40:04--> 00:40:13

no, if I'm constantly criticizing the other person while I'm driving, they'll be criticizing my driving as well. And then, you know, be miserable drive.

00:40:14--> 00:40:28

So you have to have good manners and life in general and good manners in that journey. So I would say, out of the 11, who said to his wife, either i'd Sydney public to four abrini were either IE to key

00:40:29--> 00:40:33

to key wild animals the hype. It says, if you see me angry,

00:40:34--> 00:40:36

come and make me happy, feel better.

00:40:37--> 00:40:43

In a fight, I see you angry, I'll come and make you feel better, otherwise, won't stay together.

00:40:46--> 00:40:49

So if you see me angry, what are you supposed to do?

00:40:51--> 00:41:11

Come and like, kill make me feel better. Happy cleaning. You know? And if I see that you're angry, maybe because of something I said, I'll come to you and I'll do the same. Otherwise, if I'm angry and you're angry, no one's coming to apologize and reconcile and all of this oneness type not stay together.

00:41:14--> 00:41:35

And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said this is you know, for the sisters, especially because, you know, men have egos, right? Men have egos. So, the Prophet sallallahu wasallam says a lot of mirror companies say a company agenda Shall I tell you about the woman of paradise? Your woman who will be in Paradise, Hulu, a dude in Hollywood.

00:41:36--> 00:41:59

Every loving, right? birth giving woman loving what dude and she's loving her husband, right? birth giving woman in a healthy birth. OCI out the wazoo. If she gets angry, or she's hurt, he hurts her. Or he's angry. He had the he had the fear though. fidic lacked the halo beyond when

00:42:00--> 00:42:07

she comes to him. And she says, here's my hand in your hand. I will not sleep until you're happy.

00:42:08--> 00:42:22

Right? Maybe the sisters don't see and are rebelling right now. Right? No, hopefully not. No, no. Because what did you say? What's the price for this? Jenna. So you're not doing it necessarily for his sake.

00:42:23--> 00:42:23

Allah sake.

00:42:25--> 00:42:50

Because you're saying, you know, this guy doesn't deserve that I go every time. Every time he makes me upset every time I have to go apologize. He doesn't deserve that. Yeah, he may not deserve it does not deserve it. who deserves it? Eliza does. So that's why you're doing it for a long time. So she puts his hair her hand in his hand. He said I'm not going to sleep until you're happy. He forgets about it. It's a fine. And then the matter is soft. Matter is solved in Shell.

00:42:52--> 00:43:34

So I'm going to tell you really, I mean, our women are the glue of the household. Really, they're the glue of the household. And yes, men are the leaders react. But at the same time who has who maintains this household? Why does it stay in its place is because of our woman. Right? And if they're wise, and they listened to what our last panel without as a prophet sallallahu Sallam said, they'll have a happy like the vanilla. See, this is a very short but interesting story. Sure, I wouldn't have had wanted to marry a woman for cola in DC You know, he told her I am I have bad characteristics and meaning that he has a temper maybe or jealous or whatever it is, you know,

00:43:34--> 00:43:47

something like I have some bad qualities for harlot, esto minca, Hulu, Carmen Huachuca and takuna. Say hello. It says the one who has worse manners than you is the one who was forced you to have bad manners.

00:43:48--> 00:43:51

For Karla aunty morality says you're my wife.

00:43:52--> 00:44:06

Right? So what do you say I have bad qualities bad man is she What is his cell telling him? He says, You have that qualities because others are forcing you arguing with you right now being kind enough to have these bad qualities. Otherwise you wouldn't have them.

00:44:08--> 00:44:18

He said, Okay, then you understand me. So she's soft. If she's lenient, she can absorb all of that. And she can live with him happily isn't the law.

00:44:19--> 00:44:28

So he said patience and forgiveness, be patient, be forgiving. And the other person will also be patient and forgiving. look the other way

00:44:30--> 00:44:33

that you don't have to win every argument.

00:44:35--> 00:44:58

Some, like have to, like accept to debate. It's a debate, right? I have to win. I have to show you that I want. Right and even after the argument is an incident, you know, remember what we were talking about yesterday. You know, I have more evidence, right? It's not a debate. You have to accept that sometimes. You have to let things go to Hartford. Not you don't have to notice every mistake

00:44:59--> 00:44:59

and point that

00:45:00--> 00:45:00

to them.

00:45:01--> 00:45:06

I've seen what you've done with this Oh, this was bad this, what did you mean by that statement, what

00:45:07--> 00:45:41

tomato means that you pretend that he did not hear this pretend that you did not see it and it just goes away. And that is in fact, you know, the some of the a lot of the setup, right? It says, the ingredient the secret of having a happy life in general is to carefully look the other way. Right? Not to reciprocate right anger with anger, insult with insult, neglect is neglect. Forget, forget, forget, you will notice within the law that your life will be better. And take the example of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

00:45:42--> 00:46:10

I will nsfr Malik of the Allahu he says I was a servant. Right? He was a helper for the prophets of Allah to send them 10 years or more. And he says throughout this period, mark on his condition mount Carla Levy, Shane fell to Lima, Lima falta. He did not tell me for anything that I did. Why did you do this or for something I did not do? Why I did not do it. And if one members, some members of the family would try to blame me for it.

00:46:12--> 00:46:17

He would say leave him, let him be known to the rock. And if it was destined, it would be

00:46:19--> 00:46:33

as a servant rider as a helper, I did ask him to do certain things. carry this claim. This helped me with this thing. Don't touch this. But if he does naturally do what he's asked to do, or does what he's not supposed to do, he says the problem is honestly, I wouldn't comment.

00:46:36--> 00:46:36

wouldn't comment?

00:46:38--> 00:47:00

And if some family members would comment and say why or why didn't you? He says Let it be. If it was destined to be it would be right. So this is the method to raffle mafia Yeah, this is the height of looking the other way and forgiving the other person, you don't have to be at that level, the practicing a lot will be easier inshallah.

00:47:01--> 00:47:04

So point number eight inshallah is

00:47:07--> 00:47:42

really related to this, from time to time, consult the example of the pious predecessors, right, read the stories, read how the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was with his wife, and how they were with them, the Sahaba with their families, the setup with their families, because if you're thinking sometimes, you know, I can't tolerate this, I'm having hardship Subhanallah that these stories will inspire you. Right, and will reorient you to what is important in life, and will stress your responsibilities, right? Rather than your,

00:47:44--> 00:47:58

your response now, rather than your rights. And we'll stress ways that you can fix and improve your relationship. Basically, they're a model. So from time to time, consult these models and Sharla. So this is important.

00:47:59--> 00:48:01

Point number nine, I think

00:48:02--> 00:48:06

I call this communication. Right? Just make sure that you talk.

00:48:08--> 00:48:47

So right in the midst of our busy lives, we forget to talk and some of us are not used to talking at all, like our communication is just about where's the food? Where's the food? Where's the laundry? That's the laundry, right? That's that's the sum of our communication. There's nothing else when where's my tea? Here's the tea. While you're late? I am I'm back. That's it. But beyond that, right? Both of you have emotional needs. Both of you have problems, both both of you need assurances. So how are you going to talk to, right? So there's no outlet, either all of these things are going to stay inside. Or they have to, we'll have to have someone else to talk to. And you don't know if that

00:48:47--> 00:48:57

friend or that family member can be trusted with all of these things. And some of these things are secrets, right? should remain confidential. So they need you.

00:48:58--> 00:49:28

So time to turn just make, you know, create the time for you to talk to each other. Right? Beyond the stressful daily chores that all of us have, or the problems that all of us have. Did you take care of this or that? How are you doing? And maybe sometimes like an excursion where you just go together, if you can just go together somewhere and just have a conversation with each other. It's needed somehow a lot today, rather than just sitting at a dinner table or you know, in the living room and everybody is with their phone.

00:49:30--> 00:49:36

You know, at least create time for you to talk to each other at least text each other. You know, that could work.

00:49:37--> 00:49:39

That could work. Okay.

00:49:40--> 00:49:41

Number

00:49:42--> 00:49:47

10 shala nine or 10. So I think I miss numbered them. So I'm sorry for that.

00:49:49--> 00:49:53

Make yourself beautiful for your spouse. Right?

00:49:54--> 00:50:00

Because of analog. We're living in sort of a world today that we're encountering fitness ever

00:50:00--> 00:50:25

Every day, right? And the fitness of the opposite sex is just out there, right you step outside of the house, sometimes even in your house. And there's that fitna and if your spouse doesn't feel that you are attractive and beautiful, right? Where are they going to go? So that's one ingredient right for happiness in marriage is for the spouse to feel that yes unfulfilled emotionally and physically.

00:50:27--> 00:50:30

I don't have to look somewhere else for that. I don't have to complain

00:50:31--> 00:50:38

about that. It's right there nothing is missing from my life. And for that to happen, you have to make yourself

00:50:39--> 00:50:44

attractive for her and she has to make herself attractive for you not outside the home.

00:50:45--> 00:51:26

Right. So what have become the norm right for like I remember one of the brothers was saying he says to Pamela, our woman, he says when they leave the house Mashallah, they are like 14, right? Very beautiful. Right? When they come back to the house, they take all of it right? Right. And I'm just you know, okay what happened to it it should be the opposite. Like your you know, your most beautiful when you leave the home with makeup and perfume and best you know, dresses that you have, that's not supposed to be that case. I that's how long this is reserved for your husband to be like that inside the home, outside modest inside the home as beautiful as you can for your husband

00:51:26--> 00:51:43

because he needs it. Otherwise he'll be looking elsewhere. And the same thing by the way, for the husbands they need to do the same. And there is example from the Sahaba if neuroma. Well, the alojado he says i beautify myself for her as I would like her to beautify herself for me, because they desire what we desire.

00:51:44--> 00:52:15

Right? they desire what we desire. So that's important inshallah, to have not to go to an extreme with it. I'm not saying Go Go and extreme with it. We heard in the masjid, we have to be be models for our, you know, what hasn't been done models for why so I need to buy all of this and, you know, bring a picture of you know, the superstone and say, look like him go and just go, you know, just exactly look like him. No, we're not talking about that. We're talking about inshallah with moderation, common sense. But it's neat, it's needed.

00:52:17--> 00:52:25

The next point, again, going back to intercultural marriages, to married married men, marrying someone from another culture

00:52:27--> 00:52:52

knows upon a lot of different cultures, subcultures, they have differences, right? We know about that. Differences in manners, differences in how they practice these manners, differences, what is important to them, and what is not. Some has some panela, sometimes differences in particular qualities, qualities, even within the Arabs, right. They knew that, oh, this tribe, the woman are jealous.

00:52:53--> 00:52:55

This tribe, the women are strong.

00:52:56--> 00:53:12

This tribe is this this tribe, that different custom, but also right, even the qualities, the inner qualities of the person are different from sometimes from one culture to the other. So if you're marrying from another culture, right, you have to be aware of that and ready for it and accepting.

00:53:13--> 00:53:34

So we're stressing here reason and patience, flexibility and realism, patience, flexibility and realism. Patience, meaning, I know that I'm marrying her, and she's from a different culture, I'm marrying him. And he's from a different culture, I need to know what that culture is. and be patient with the different ways they practice what I'm used to.

00:53:35--> 00:53:37

Right? Patience.

00:53:38--> 00:53:41

You can demand immediate transformation.

00:53:42--> 00:54:20

And sometimes, you know, subpanel other some ways where we expressed respect and some other cultures that disrespectful, how could you do this? How could you greet my mother that way? How could you not call her the following day? How could we not invite them, you need just to give each other time for you to learn each other's ways. So you need patience. Right? And also flexibility. It's not like this is my way. And that's it. This is how we do it in that you took me and I'm from that culture that is it. Flexibility is also needed. Right? So you accommodate his culture, he accommodates her culture at the same time. So having differences of culture does put extra burden on you. But it's

00:54:20--> 00:54:29

not impossible. But you just have to realize that these challenges are there, right? Just realize it. And then finally, finally, realism.

00:54:31--> 00:54:34

She's not going to be a member of that culture.

00:54:36--> 00:54:44

Like someone born in it, she's not going to be he's not going to be a member of my culture. Like someone who's born in it. There always be differences.

00:54:45--> 00:54:47

Right? Always be differences.

00:54:49--> 00:54:59

They cannot he cannot just cancel everything that he has everything that he has be transformed and copied into someone else. That cannot happen. So realism that there always be some

00:55:00--> 00:55:19

Distance between my culture and hers. But as we said, if it's not important to you, son important. If it's really important to you, then you have to be fair about it don't demand by what is not tenable, what's not possible? If she cannot do it, don't demand it from

00:55:20--> 00:55:21

that clip.

00:55:22--> 00:55:23

That clip

00:55:28--> 00:56:08

now, oh, yeah. And the other point under that, I said that the second and third generation, by the way, may have more in common in the first generation, not May, they do have more in common than the first generation because the first generation are coming from cultural cultures that are overseas, right? So they have their cultures with them. second, and third generation, they're going up here, wherever here is the grown up here. So they lose some of their parents culture. And they have in common with other people, this particular culture, right. So it's like a hybrid. So they have things in common with other people who also grew up in this culture. So that's why it's easier for them to

00:56:08--> 00:56:32

mate to marry each other. Because their parents culture doesn't marry, it doesn't matter as much. And they have a lot more in common with a person second and third generation, that's why it could work. But again, you are your own doctor, you will know if culture is important to you, and what that culture is, and be realistic about what you're demanding from your potential mate in show. We'll talk more about that inshallah, in the next

00:56:34--> 00:56:37

lecture, inshallah. So the point before the last

00:56:39--> 00:56:40

in laws,

00:56:41--> 00:56:48

the in laws, right. So a common complaint, we'll talk more about that inshallah. Next, next lecture.

00:56:49--> 00:56:51

common complaints are the enlace.

00:56:52--> 00:56:59

His mother, her mother, okay, or the mother complaining about her daughter in law or the son.

00:57:00--> 00:57:15

And the reason why that's the case is that there's grace upon the law, there's suspicion between this family and the new woman coming into their life, or this family and the new man coming into their life and taking their daughter or taking their son, there's suspicion,

00:57:17--> 00:57:23

there's expectation of the worst. She's gonna take and steal your husband, that your son from you.

00:57:24--> 00:57:24

Right?

00:57:25--> 00:57:40

So what are you supposed to do? Or somewhat self employed? Some people do, they filled the minds of their sons. They give them advice, control her before she controls you. Don't listen to her, I put her under your thumb.

00:57:42--> 00:57:46

Don't give her a lot of money. Don't listen to her. Right?

00:57:47--> 00:57:50

Don't let her visit her family, control this and that.

00:57:51--> 00:57:54

And the same thing right goes into sometimes that is

00:57:56--> 00:58:25

the woman, the mother that goes and says, Don't let him be close to his family. Because if you are their closest family, or they will influence him, No, keep him also closer to us. Don't let them visit. Don't work on them in your house. Don't let them listen to it cetera, et cetera. You control everything. You control the money, you control this. So when they listen to all of this, that of course creates what a lot of tension and problems in the family right a lot. And ongoing struggles and fighting and fighting that doesn't end.

00:58:26--> 00:58:32

So as of handler, what does this come from? Go back to I think the second point I talked about that a man is the foundation.

00:58:33--> 00:58:36

If the family has a man, will they give this advice?

00:58:37--> 00:58:45

No, they fear Allah will they give this advice? This is like a V man lack of lack of taqwa a lack of understanding of Islam.

00:58:46--> 00:58:57

Otherwise, right, you wouldn't go out and tell your son or your daughter right mistreat your husband, mistreat your wife, and force them to mystery their parents.

00:58:59--> 00:59:07

Rather, you will propagate justice, you see no be just to them, and honor their power, honor their parents respect their parents.

00:59:08--> 00:59:44

Right. So if you are actually have a man, you propagate trust, and you propagate justice, and be the law as well, you will receive that trust and justice and similar treatment, the one that you are advancing, but if on the other hand, you're propagating injustice, sooner or later, you're receiving injustice back and mistrust. You'll receive that back also. And of course, you're destroying the life of your child. So here what's important here is that the families the fam both families are supposed to be a resource.

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Right? If you've had a lot, if you're a husband or your wife, and you're plagued with such a family, you have to start listening to them. If your mother or your father May Allah forgive them, if they're giving you such advice, you have to stop listening to it because that's not good advice.

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All right,

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still honor your parents, but stop listening to this bad advice, and start teaching them why this is wrong.

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And for the families, if you suspect this woman so much, why did you, you know, agreed to be for her to be your daughter in law? If you hate that person so much, or mistrust them so much, why did you agree that he would be your son in law?

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So as a parent, I give him a chance. Right? And we'll talk more inshallah about it. connected to that, of course, you know, because we said there was supposed to be a resource, also, you need to select your friends.

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Right? This is also vital, because your friends are also a source of support, and they also give you

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advice.

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You're not supposed to share your confidential, more intimate secrets with them. By the way, that's for next time, you're not supposed to do this. Most confidential, most secrets should stay between you and your husband. But sometimes you need some sort of support, let's say, if you don't know that your friends are wise. And they like you. Don't share these things with them. And don't take advice from them. Otherwise, what do they give you?

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bad advice. And houses, right? Break up, families break up because of this bad advice. So you have to know who to trust. And if they're wise or not.

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The last point in Sharla is don't compare yourself to others.

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Right? Write?

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Don't compare yourself to others, or look at them and how happy they are. How come we're not happy? Look, how he how nice he is to his wife, how nice he is to his children? How come we're not like that? See, you know how often they travel overseas, or he takes her here and there. And he buys her this and that. And of course, you know, the culprit in all of this is social media. You know, you didn't know way too much about people through social media. And they, you know, some panelists share too much about themselves through it, too. By the way we shouldn't we shouldn't, you know, one, envy, right? There's envy, like someone looking at you and say, how come they're so happy. And then

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things start going wrong in your life. And you don't know why it's because you're sharing all of these things. You're not supposed to share that just share them with people that you actually trust, close family, close friends, that is it. Not with the public, not with everybody. But don't compare yourself to others, your life is your life. Your children are your children, your accomplishments are your accomplishments.

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Be content with what Allah subhanho wa Taala has given you hold it to government, check it and take what I've given you, and be what thankful. And if you're thankful, and you're pleased with what Allah has given you a lot less is it. If you're always comparing yourself, house, to house, car to car, the beauty of the wife to the beauty of the wife, the beauty of the husband, to the beauty of the husband, the accomplishments of the children, to the accomplishments of the children, and you're doing now throughout your life could be miserable, and you will make your spouse miserable, and you make your children miserable as well. Right? What Allah has given you is what Allah wants for you to

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have, be happy with it, and increase it. Right. But you taken away the joy from your life and your husband and your families and your children, when you're always comparing yourself to others. And if it means sometimes that you have to stop, right? Going, you know, to Facebook and Instagram and stuff, then that's what it means to distance yourself from that to live happier lives. And by the way, they do actually say that people I don't know if it's average or not, but a

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larger percentage of people who are on social media are depressed, because of all of these things. Because of what they share. And because of what they see. Sometimes the easiest thing is to distance yourself from all of that, and maybe panelo you'll find that you are happy because of it. And

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so the next lecture with Lila is how to solve marital problems and we'll build on this. So remember in Charlotte when we come I'll say I talked about this. Now we're talking about how to solve this and how to solve this big nilla so this is what I have inshallah I want to see if you have

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comments or questions.

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Okay,

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this is very long. Bye. Okay.

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Nom nom. It is very beautiful. It is long, but it is long.

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He's talking about daddy

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Massara said insha Allah, we'll see in Sha live there is space for next week in sha Allah. It's not a bad thing. It's a good idea. Is that a lie? I'll try and Sharla squeeze it in Allah, Zack Allah

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for the Yeah, that's it.

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Mother's Day sources every day. So every day is the martyrdom of Valentine for us.

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The subject