The Muslim Family 1 – How To Choose Your Spouse

Ali Albarghouthi

Channel: Ali Albarghouthi

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In the first installment of this series, we understand what Islam teaches us about choosing the best spouse and how to go about doing this. The lecture presents 10 points to keep in mind while embarking on this important search.

Episode Transcript

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smilla with hamdulillah salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah wa sahbihi wa sallam, and have darynda and Ahmed who want to stay in what is sulfuryl when are the villa him in Cerulean fusina citm le nom de la llamada de forma Euclid for la de la, la shadow eyeshadow La la la la vida hula sharika Machado no Mohammed Abdul Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

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So inshallah This is the first is going to be the first part of a four part C Series in a course

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for lectures that constitute a course about the Muslim family.

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And the first week, this first lecture inshallah, that first installment is about how to choose your mate

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to be followed by the nilla, and they're sort of connected. So some of what we'll be saying, today

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I'll explain a little bit more or make more sense inshallah, when we go to the second lecture, which is, how to have a happier marriage, and we followed with or by how to solve marital disputes, and finally, inshallah, how to raise your children. And I realize, you know, each one of them deserves its own course, right? But this is inshallah just to taste a summary, and we'll see inshallah, the responses with the feedback is, and then maybe we can develop it later in Sharla, into something bigger. So for today, how to choose your spouse, which is the first step

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and just sort of as a sort of an introduction, because I want us to notice the bigger picture also, usually, when you want to choose someone, you're so focused on, what do I want? And who is this person what my family wants? But look at the bigger picture for a second, you notice that we form families? Why do we form families? We think about it, why do we form families? There are some biological reasons, right? motivations, incentives for that, emotional ones, social ones? And of course, part of that, or should part of what should be our motivation is the religious motivation as well. We'll see evidence for that. But all of these motivations make sense, because what's the unit

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that builds society? When you're going actually and you want to get married? Keeping this in mind? It makes a lot of sense, because it will help you with nilla make better choices. So what is the fun, you know, the unit of our society, any society, it's the family, how do we propagate as a species, you get married, which is the sound is structured to be connected to be intimate and then reproduce. And these children constitute and become the next generation and so on and so on. This is how it worked for centuries, millennia.

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So there's a natural incentive but we should also include in it, the religious incentive as well. Remembering that that unit having that unit having that constitution which is the family

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is an amicable last panel with dad and it's a sign from Allah. So Allah Subhana Allah says woman Daya T and Holla Holla comin and fusi Kumasi, escuela I'll be signs so panela and this is a sign that proves a lot about Allah subhana wa tada about his wisdom about his power about his ability

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about his about his existence woman if you want to see an iron and calacatta coming on to see comas watch that he had given you made from your own kind, we can spend time explaining how this is a sign, but enough for now to say that this is a sign from Allah azza wa jal right, to find a mate to find comfort and serenity and tranquility with that need to be able to have children these are all signs from Allah subhana wa to Allah, Allah azza wa jal anabaena como with the man he had put between you affection and mercy, we'll come back to this I inshallah. Next week and the week after.

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So because it's an AMA it needs to be understood, it needs to be thanked and also needs to be preserved. So when you're going and getting married, then that you need to be ready for it. Right? educated it like anything else, you need to be educated, you need to be ready, knowing what you're getting yourself into and how to get the best out of it. So inshallah what I will do today,

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briefly, I will share with you 10 points. Okay, now more than 10 points, and each one of them be in the inner helps us to organize our thoughts and remember this in

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split into these specific categories when we leave.

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So, the first point that I want to mention inshallah is that marriages

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can be from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam, we understand that this is his way, why do I include this point? Because somehow, some people may think that it's better not to get married for you, that's better than to get married either because they think that that contradicts their religious obligations. So if I want to be a religiously good person, man or woman, I better not get married. And there were some people in Islamic history who thought that and you may read some books, and in some books may tell you don't get married, right? If you can do without it do without getting married. Right? It's not good. What do you want to say is that this is not true. We'll see some

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evidence that this simile of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam was marriage. So for instance, there's a hadith very famous Hadith Yeah, I'm not sure Shabaab money stopper I'm in combat affiliate, there's a word for it.

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It says all young men, who among you Weber among you can get married financially, meaning you have the means to get married. Let them get married this so this is what the command funny it is a word. And it's justified. For in a Boolean basa you'll be able to control your site better. Watson will search and you will be able to protect you, your private parts protect your desire, when you get married, because you haven't what an outlet. Otherwise you don't. So when you don't get married, that's a source of sickness, you can easily slip into what Allah subhanho wa Taala hates, there is no protection. So the Prophet is saying get married because it is protection.

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Right? Woman. If you cannot, then the Prophet offers a remedy an alternative what is that remedy? fasting What does fasting do? diminishes. Your desire increases your taqwa also and diminishes your desire. So here you have a command failure. So what if you can afford it? Let him get married.

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And from the Sahaba

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sod will be the one who said Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mother's maiden name of owning

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his own among others of the Sahaba came to the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and sought permission for Tibetan Tibet is to be dedicated to the worship of Allah and to leave the dunya behind celibacy becoming a celibate person only concentrated devoted to

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worship. That's it. So they sought permission from the Prophet sallallahu wasallam and he says

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he did not permit that for them. So you understand this is not from Islam, not from Islam right.

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And there's a statement

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from

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heaven because it's long I'm not gonna read it all in Arabic I'll translate part and read a little bit in Arabic in the relevant part. He says

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notice notice laser to those will be to mean I'm really slum efficient. celibacy. is not not that doesn't belong to Islam. Laser it does not related to Islam and it will be at least a minimal Islam efficient. He says of him Allah, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam married 14. And when he passed away, he left behind 914 and what 14 woman nine woman right? And he says, Hey, Mo Mahalo to xojo this should not have eaten.

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This Reuben Harris, you know, better known as visual happy, contemporary of Mr. Mohammed. Right. So they were a category of people right around that time and before they thought, you know, they were just

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worshippers of Allah. Mohammed were humble is saying that if he actually got married, it would have been better for him. He would have been able to climb higher in taqwa and in devotion.

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Right here that reached close to perfection, in piety and in taqwa. And he says, if people will not be able to leave marriage, there will be no head. Right? No one will defend Muslims. There'll be none of a lot of the things that a lot obligates, if no one gets married, none of these things will be there. And he says, importantly, he says, and the prophets have a lot he would send them would wake up in the morning, and they would have nothing in their home to eat right. And he had nine wives.

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Right?

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So he tells you that it's not always about what money it's not about money even though the profits all he sent him was what? Poor, right? He was forced by the law. Are you sitting them waking up this morning? Yeah, this is a level of poverty, right that

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a lot of places does not exist to wake up in the morning and you don't have anything

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And yet he had a lot he will send them right nine women. What can I start? Oh, Nika, however you choose and prefer marriage, and he would recommend it. And he forbade celibacy. And so he says the one who wants other than the sin of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he does not follow the truth. So what is the sin of the Prophet is saying it's marriage, right?

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And he continues, and he says on Yahoo, Elisa Lam, during his period of sadness got married also. Right? So this is maybe comes from somewhere in the tifosi. Some reports, but not in the Hadith. And the prophets, a lot of assylum. You know, it also said, women were beloved to me, why am I mentioning all of this? Because what's going to come at the end? Right? So Allah, was he, right? He's a companion environment. He says, hold. It says, I am responding back. It says but Ibrahim of Nottingham says, Okay, now he wants to counter what Matt is saying. So he's telling him, you know, Jani teacher, Ibrahim was another worshiper, he has this opinion, which is, and he says, he didn't

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let me finish.

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a hobby. He yelled at me. And he says what?

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He says you're getting off the path.

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When you have a road, right? main road, and you have small roads that take you off the daughters of the road. He says you're getting off.

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He says, Omar McNally Rasulullah he was horrible. It says look at don't miss a lot. He was a lemon his companion used to do meaning don't bring me anyone else who's saying something else. that contradicts them. His son is what superior right? to any other saying.

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Then he says,

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and this is for everybody who has a child who's getting married, who's worried about all the pain that he's gonna fight whatever it is.

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You can also be a woman

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as well, as he says, the crying of the child in front of his father, asking for bread. They don't have bread asking for bread is better than this and better than that, better than this worship and better than that worship, right? How could the worshiper who's a bachelor catch up to him?

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Right, follow him saying he's a worshipper of Allah Zoda. But a bachelor worships Allah subhanho wa Taala continuously says no one who's married and struggling and agonizing over how to feed his children from the halal and is hurting because of it is better than that person.

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Yeah. So there's great Danny, though there is trouble in it. Right. There's fitna in it, there's testing it, but there's great reward in it. And that's why I brought this because this is something valuable. So Pamela, from Amanda hammer, this is the son of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. Plus, what is the prophets audience of them say about those who get married, they can play how much of their religion of a man

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right. And this is how can only be really.

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So if that's what you're up to, 42nd. Melanie's 14 if he gets married, he completes half of his religion

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of Allah in what has remained the other half means a lot through this marriage secures half of your religion, how these doors of temptations are supposed to be closed, when you get married, you still have 50% left, but at least 50% supposedly, is gone. Right? The doors have the shape on the path of the shape Vaughn has been plagued by death by marriage.

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The second thing, right, because it's such an important step. You need guidance.

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You need counsel. And first of all, you need guidance from whom the last panel to add that is you cannot do without

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an SD card.

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The SD card constant

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and then when you have a choice, this person or that person, this woman that woman this man this man, should I accept him Should I reject him Should I go after and proposed or not? Is because

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because you definitely need guidance from Allah subhanho wa Taala your own effort your own investigation only takes you so much. What lies in the future is hidden from you and me? Right? So a person can say, right, especially if you're friends or you come from a family

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or extended family then they have a lot of trouble with marriage.

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And what do you get?

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Okay, okay. You become anxious. If I get married, I'm going to face are going to get this type of woman this type of man will get into this type of problems to 12345

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10 years from now, we may get divorced. I don't want to do this.

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So you get turned off.

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So how do you know?

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What do you ever know?

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You don't you never do never know. If I take this job, how do I know that this job is good for me 510 years down the road? How do I know if I moved to this place to this country? Or how do I know you do your best right now by to research it as best as you can right now. And then you do staccato. And then you trust who trust Allah suited. So you can never have right full certainty

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in that person or this next step, you'll have full certainty in the last panel, that if I taken this step, that this is the best step for me, I already have made.

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And the other guidance that you need to have, of course, is to know what does Islam say about this, about how I should choose about I should treat my husband how I should treat my wife how we should sort of solve our problems when we have them? What is Islam say about this? So you get equipped, you read the manual, you'd be educated. And then you'd be ready isn't enough. So some are a lot of problems happen, because you jump into it, without thoughts, and also without being ready. Right? It's like just taking what, you know, anything buying anything, there's a manual right to it. This is how you use it. So where's the manual for marriage? Right? If you don't read, if you don't ask if

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you don't get benefits from the wise, you're not going to be ready for it. So you need that education. Right? What if somebody comes and tells you, Hey, I'm going to educate you about this? Or you actually go and strive and find it? Whatever it is, you need it? You need to find it. Okay. So get need guidance. And so in Charlotte, some of what we're doing today isn't the law. Is that so point number three?

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There is no such thing.

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Tell me? No, tell me if I'm wrong. There is no such thing as a soulmate.

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Or as the one

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right? I'm gonna go and find the one. Okay, who's just waiting out there for me? I just need to find him. I just need to find her. Is that perfect? So and So who's gonna fulfill all of my fantasies and dreams and make my life into any I don't know, a movie. Because this is basically get promoted by and fed into our lives by movies, and the media, right, hollywood, bollywood and this and that. This is it. They're teaching us and teaching our children and everybody else that what do you want to look for someone? This is how they're supposed to look like and behave and taught.

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Now, is that reality?

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People are married? Or is that reality? No, none of this is reality. Right? None of this is reality. But if it's not real, why do we keep seeing this? Why does it keep selling? Okay? Because it's fantasy, like any other fantasy that you see on the screen fantasy. And it's interesting, right? to indulge in fantasy, but it's not real. You see, there's something about aliens, right? You're not gonna start feeling or thinking that there are actual aliens somewhere, and you base your life on it. If you believe that then believe that whatever they're telling you about romance, about marriage, about courtship and all of that, that that is real. That's not real.

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They keep doing it, because it sells brings a lot of money, right? fiction, write fiction about love and loss and long lost all of that. That's big business. So the people who write that they write it because it's business that people will act that out. They do that because it's business, because it pays

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but they themselves are they happy?

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They get divorced, right? Because you're supposed to be this perfect couple on screen but you get married and then they get divorced and they get go to court and all of that. Because this is real life and real life doesn't imitate the movies.

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So know that

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because if you believe in this, and there are people who get divorced because of it, they get married her idea of his idea of what my marriage should be like is that movie and this actress and that actor This is how it's supposed to be our life is gonna be just this bed of roses and just beauty and but you know, you're you're faced with sometimes harsh reality and you can tolerate that you cannot reconcile that with what you want. And you get divorced.

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So this person is has over romanticized, what marriage is that marriage is not that marriage is compromised, compromise marriages sometimes struggle, marriages sometimes patience. I will talk about that inshallah later but no soulmate. No perfect mate at this

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Same time, right at the same time.

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Suppose, you know, your son, your daughter comes to you. And he says, a fallen in love. I love so and so. Right? At the same time, right? We don't go to the other extreme, right? And say there's nothing

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as such as love before marriage? I don't know. I mean, not talking about anything. We just said that I saw so and so I talked to her I saw so and so and I talked to him, fell in love. I really, really love him. Don't dismiss that necessarily. Don't dismiss that necessarily, right. Because there is such a thing as people actually falling in love before marriage, it may not be the type of love that continues after marriage. Some of these people, some of us right, when we have these feelings we could, it could be naive feelings. We don't really understand yet what love is the depth of what love is. But for some, they do actually fall in love before marriage. So what I'm saying as a

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parent, don't be so quick to dismiss and disregard their feelings and their experience.

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And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says in Hadith, which is before the by, you know, imagine sight insha Allah let me run it would have been through Nika.

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So those those who are in love, nothing is better for them than marriage.

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So the prophets of Allah Selim affirms and this hadith what, that there will be some people who actually fall in love. Right?

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Right. And what is the best thing for them

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to get married?

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So if you receive your son or daughter who had actually genuine feelings, don't dismiss them.

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And talk to this person, talk to this man, talk to this woman and find out? Is it does it have solid foundations? Can it continue? And if there's really genuine feelings over there and the perfect match, don't say no.

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Don't say no. Okay?

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Because the prophets, Allah Islam says the best thing for them at that moment is to get married, not to break them apart, unless you know there are real concerns, not to break them apart, right? And leave this person aching and that person aching if there are genuine feelings take care of these feelings. And there are stories. And though these are not models and examples, but there are stories of people who fell in love and because they weren't able to be with those that they love.

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They became sick and they passed away. And that's a possibility extreme in some cases, but it happens. Right? So don't dismiss it completely. It has basis in reality in Sharla.

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How do you choose? What is the criteria that conditions that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had put forth for us? So for choosing a husband, what is the prophets of Allah pseudonym says, is a horrible ecoman carbona Deena who was hula hula hoop as a widow.

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So if someone comes to you, I talked about a lake and he wants to marry your daughter.

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And Tarragona. Deena, hula, hula, you're happy with his religiosity, piety is Dean and his whole of his character for so we do. grant him his request, accept him as a husband in that, if you do not do this

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duck and fitness and fill out the offer Southern Caribbean they will be a fitna on this earth, and great corruption. And this is recorded by Timothy.

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So notice what the prophet SAW a lot he was in them says

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a good man comes we'll talk about the criteria but if a good man comes

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right, let him marry your daughter. If you don't do this, what are the consequences?

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What's gonna happen fitna on this earth, and great corruption. What do you suppose that's the case?

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What do you think that's the case?

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If you don't let the pious marry your daughter who's gonna marry her?

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The corrupt right, the sinner. And then this first one was denied, where he's gonna, where is he gonna go?

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Either he's gonna marry someone who's not

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gonna ruin his life, and your daughter's life is being ruined by the men that you got married to, or he can't find anyone to marry and your dad also at some point, I can find somebody to marry. Both of them remain bachelor and Bachelorette. And that is a cause for

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Fitness, Fitness, a lot of fitness. So the Prophet sallallahu Sallam is saying if you don't make this appropriate match, you're helping spread fitness and corruption on this earth, the thickness of Xena, the thickness of harassment, the thickness of people killing each other, rape, all of that all of that is a consequence of all of this

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So, to avoid this, if a good man comes except him, but the prophet SAW his enemies mentioned two things. Dino Who? Are you happy with his religion and character?

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Because sometimes you religious. Right? But how is your character?

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nuts? So good? You ask about the brother. Let's say we're talking about men here, right? So sisters will come later, it asked about the brother, how is he and hamdulillah it comes to the masjid he prays, supposedly, right? If you are religious, your luck should be good as well. They should be but it's not always the case. How is he's always in the masjid. He works in the MSA, he works in that conference this hour, this dad might have dinner. But when you investigate the law, the law not good. He's not patient

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gets irritated, very angry, very suspicious, or whatever it is, but they are not good. And sometimes they get it the other way around. They are really good. A patient guy, a generous guy, forgiving guy, but not religious. So prophets, all these sentences, you gotta get the combination of the two.

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And if you're happy with both

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him religiously his dakhla. How is he with his religion? That takes some investigation, right? Sitting with him and talking to him? and also his reputation? How is he religiously? And how are his? What do people say about him? When I escape? And sit with him? What what vibe do I get from him?

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And if you're happy with that, then this is a person or the person for your daughter if he comes and proposes. So you look at the criteria that the prophets have obviously has said, this is it.

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And it hasn't. Someone came to Manhattan and it could be a hazard naughty, or it hasn't been busted. I found both. And someone consulted a house and he says I have a daughter that I love. And more than one person came and proposed Which one should I give her to? He said would you

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give her to someone who has a court of law. So notice why this is what the court is in a coma if he loves her, he will honor her way above him and he hates her later if he hates her, he will not be unjust with

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me limit is not going to commit loan with her. So whatever it's this or that she saved.

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But you need to have

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if you give it to someone who is

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you don't have to fear Bismillah they don't have to call you have no idea what they will do with her and to her and with that we have to

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talk about religiosity inshallah, later.

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Now, money is a consideration for someone, right? For some people, okay, how much money does he have? Does he have a house? Does he have a car? What is a job and all of this? And he has he should have enough to be able to provide for her This is yes. But does he have to be rich? necessarily.

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Right? Not necessarily. It doesn't have to be rich, right? That can come later, isn't it? Now I just want to give you two things. One thing from a prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, which he says three, we're not going to talk about all of them, but three that Allah had made it an obligation on himself to help. One of them is a neck. So let you read

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the one who wants to, you know, on the path of marriage, who wants chastity?

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Once

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and Allah had made it an obligation on himself to help him.

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So yeah, this person might be poor right now. Right? But I'm saying invest in this person. If he's good,

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don't lose him.

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Otherwise, Khadija probably would not marry Mohammed. Right? Just think about it. She wouldn't marry Mohammed, what did he have? At that time? Not much. Not much. She was working for her right? She wouldn't marry him. So a lot. He was in it. But what did she notice?

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Is people came and reported to her he was like this, and he was like that, she noticed that.

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And that's why she married him. So a lot. He was sitting them and she was incredibly fortunate because she has done that. Right. And it happened is the same thing with Musa when you got married, remember the story of Musa when he got married? He's running away from Pharaoh comes to a city of Midian. He helps these two girls and he sits back. It gets invited to the home of the Father. What does the father say after he talks to him and now he understands the character of this man. He says I want you to marry one of these, one of my two daughters. Again, what it means to have

00:29:53--> 00:30:00

only is a flower and nothing else. And maybe just the clothes on his back and that is it. But then then invested in

00:30:00--> 00:30:08

Yeah, you have to, you know, take care of my property for all my the Florida for eight or 10 years

00:30:09--> 00:30:51

you know, do that, but you're gonna be marrying my daughter, he made an investment he noticed something valuable. And she ended up marrying musante Scylla if he had said he's too poor, he's a stranger is not from our own town. I'm afraid of this and that she'd never get that chance. See, understand marrying a profit versus missing on that opportunity. So it'd be the same thing sometimes. If that happens to you, have you noticed a good person I really good to invest in this good person. Now he may not be much but laters panela let me give him a lot. Right. So that investments of Han Allah and again goes back to seeking guidance from Allah azza wa jal. How do I

00:30:51--> 00:30:57

know? 510 years we'll be able to take care of her goes back to the car and what do you feel comfortable with right?

00:31:00--> 00:31:01

Now I'm choosing a wife.

00:31:02--> 00:31:12

Now, choosing husband number five is choosing a wife. The Prophet sallallahu wasallam similarly said about choosing a wife choose the religious one.

00:31:13--> 00:31:20

Right? The famous Hadith, all of you know it in the Lama Taconic the Prophet sallallahu Sallam says

00:31:21--> 00:31:26

there are four reasons why a woman gets married. People want her to be their wife,

00:31:28--> 00:31:46

Lena Leah for her wealth Lee has to be had lineage. Lita marry her beauty. What do you Dini and her religiosity, her piety? For Bidadi, deinterleaver tidak. So seek and get the religious one, indeed, and he said, Eva tidak is for emphasis indeed, get that one.

00:31:47--> 00:32:03

So notice, when the prophet SAW you sell them listed the four reasons the religion was the last, right? The religious cause? was the last one. The first was, you know, money, beauty this religious was the last one. But the prophet SAW his enemies saying this is the one that you should see.

00:32:05--> 00:32:07

That's the most important to one.

00:32:08--> 00:32:11

Does that mean that the others also don't matter?

00:32:13--> 00:32:13

No.

00:32:14--> 00:32:15

They can.

00:32:16--> 00:32:19

Meaning, the first choice.

00:32:20--> 00:32:22

The first condition is what?

00:32:23--> 00:32:24

The?

00:32:25--> 00:32:27

That's what you're looking for. That's your main compass, right?

00:32:28--> 00:32:30

Where is this religion?

00:32:31--> 00:32:32

And you find it,

00:32:34--> 00:32:45

then you can add other reasons to it. So if you find someone like because there's some degree of beauty that is required, everybody requires that again, for men, right? For men.

00:32:47--> 00:32:51

Don't think the beauty that you should see is the beauty that you see on screen

00:32:53--> 00:33:07

or on the magazines on beauty magazines, that is not real. Right? That's not real. And I always say there's an army of the people behind this woman or this man, that make them look the way that they are?

00:33:09--> 00:33:17

And is the one who does the hair one that does the makeup and one does the dress is the one that does this. And the lighting and the Photoshop after they don't look like that, in reality.

00:33:18--> 00:33:21

They don't look like that. So don't go seeking that.

00:33:22--> 00:33:28

Why? Because Okay, you went after beauty exclusively, what happens with time

00:33:30--> 00:33:42

disappears. And if she does not have, she's beautiful, and she does not have the tequila, that gives her contentment and humility, and that one all of that that beauty corrupts her.

00:33:44--> 00:34:06

That makes your life difficult with her. Not easy. You enjoy her, oh, she's beautiful every day, but at the same time, right? She may tell you, I'm not going to put your job, I'm going to go out with filmmaker because she's beautiful. And you married her like that. And you were happy with her like that. And religion wasn't into consideration in the beginning. So she leaves like, just this is how we married me and this is who I am. Right?

00:34:08--> 00:34:14

And she may think that she's better than you. Like, it's not beauty money. I'm going to marry her because she's rich.

00:34:17--> 00:34:29

You know, I'm going to inherit all of that from her father and all of this, right? So we think that you've been very fortunate, but at the same time, she may think that she's better than you. And she listen to you if you want something from her.

00:34:30--> 00:34:51

Give me a cup of water or tea. It wants you to say once you met us listen to right, because she thinks she is better. And if she comes to uniformat has a lineage a big good family and you're not really saying you know, I'm gonna attach myself you know to that greatness. She may still think that she's better than you. But what is gonna save her from that? Is religion.

00:34:53--> 00:34:54

So if she has done

00:34:56--> 00:35:00

Alhamdulillah then you can build on that yes and how she has some beauty or beauty

00:35:00--> 00:35:10

that satisfies me and hamdulillah This is great. She's also wealthy fine. comes from a great family fine, but the main thing that you're looking for is dee

00:35:11--> 00:35:12

da.

00:35:14--> 00:35:14

Now

00:35:15--> 00:35:40

that would Dean is interesting because it's ambiguous, a little bit deep. What do we mean by Dean? What do we mean by taqwa? It's gonna be different for different people, by the way, as you talk to other people, when you tell Oh, this person is religious, to another person is not religious enough. Right? So when you're talking about Dean, you're talking about a religiosity that matches yours in a sense, right?

00:35:41--> 00:36:23

So on the one hand, don't aim for perfection. What we said like perfection does not exist, right? perfection and beauty does not exist perfection and you know, and Love does not exist. Perfection and religiosity does not exist. I want someone memorize the Quran memorized Buhari, memorize Muslim memorize, they will or you're going to find this woman or this man. And if you have them, they'll have some other flaws somewhere else. So perfection doesn't exist. So religiosity I want to be perfect. No one is perfect. religiously, no one is perfect. So religiosity right, avoid one extreme, which is perfection or seeking demanding perfection. On the other hand, try to understand what do

00:36:23--> 00:36:28

you mean by religiosity? Right? Is it just the fact that she puts on a hijab?

00:36:30--> 00:36:41

Or is it that she reads and is interested in reading about Islam, researching, learning, attending conferences, attending, you know, lectures, study circles?

00:36:42--> 00:37:17

Is it that she's interested intimately connected to Muslim concerns? What does it mean that she's religious? Right? So I've heard somebody you don't divide that a lot if it's true or not, but at least in terms of how people adopt religiosity into three parts. One, a, an emotional identification with Islam, right, or what is happening with Muslims today, and they feel for Islam and Muslims, that that is a level of ruling regime religiosity, a man to the moon that they have, this is it. Another one is for the quality of medical knowledge wise, they realize

00:37:18--> 00:37:41

they may not practice a lot, but they read a lot, they know a lot, right? And they're interested in that others practice a lot fasting for that, and this and that, but they don't necessarily read a lot, right? Or have that identification, or that emotional attachment to everything that is happening to Muslims, they're just focused on on themselves. So understand what how you religious

00:37:42--> 00:37:45

and what type of religiosity you're seeking from the other person.

00:37:48--> 00:37:49

Because that's important.

00:37:50--> 00:37:57

And you'll be able with nidaa will come later inshallah last point to build on their religiosity, but they should have what at least the foundation

00:37:59--> 00:38:08

and you should have at least the foundation, and there should be a mutual agreement that this is what we want with our life. This is what it means to be to be a Muslim, what does it mean to you?

00:38:09--> 00:38:28

Okay, behaving in this way, going these places adopting these beliefs, this is what it means to be religious, not superficial. This is what it means for me to be religious. This is how I want to develop it Bismillah in the future, this is how I want to live my life religiously. Now, tell me about you.

00:38:29--> 00:38:37

Okay, so then you'll understand if you're today young, how being becoming or being religious matches there's, or it's different.

00:38:39--> 00:38:42

So this is the choice, inshallah, when it comes to

00:38:44--> 00:38:47

choosing a wife, point number six.

00:38:49--> 00:39:30

It's about arranged marriages. But some people have attached a stigma to it. Right? Like there's something wrong with arranged marriages. So technically, what is an arranged marriage? technically an ideal arranged marriage? Is the parents meeting deciding that these two people are going to get married and finalizing that no one sees the other person and their consent is not required. This is an ideal arranged marriage. Typically, this is not what happens. So if your parents go and seek a wife, for your secret husband for you, right, and they arranged something that really is not an arranged marriage as long as your consent is required.

00:39:31--> 00:39:40

Right, and you consent is required whether you're a man or a woman, right? So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam right?

00:39:41--> 00:39:42

says,

00:39:43--> 00:39:51

a woman comes to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and she said that her father approved her marriage and she hates this person.

00:39:52--> 00:39:52

For

00:39:53--> 00:39:59

a lot profits, only seven gave her the option. And if you want, you can allow that and you can let it happen and you will be mad.

00:40:00--> 00:40:03

Or you reject it, and it's not valid.

00:40:04--> 00:40:15

So for a marriage to take place, the woman has to be consulted, and she has to agree or consent. Right is fundamental. If it's not there, the marriage does not continue. It's not valid.

00:40:17--> 00:40:39

So why am I taking about talking about arranged marriages and Sharla, and and match and matchmakers? And that's another thing. For instance, there are people who match me, right? connect people. And that is very useful to have. So the reason I'm mentioning that is some people have either stigma or phobia, but no, I'm not gonna go that path. Whereas throughout history, most people married how,

00:40:40--> 00:41:05

through this, by nonetheless, they just were walking and they just saw each other fell in love. That doesn't happen most of the time, right? It doesn't happen. For most of human history, marriages were arranged, arranged, in what sense, families met, and then people came sat together talk to each other. So there is nothing wrong with In fact, one of the safest way to do it is this way, if it's available, right.

00:41:07--> 00:41:21

Right. And just, you know, to emphasize, you know, this is, you know, having to do any this, this happens frequently today, but at one point, and with some societies, right, people don't see each other before they get married, right.

00:41:23--> 00:41:27

They don't see each other before they get married. And the Prophet sallallahu wasallam says that this is really not

00:41:28--> 00:41:38

one of the answer came to him. So a lot, he was cinnamon, he said, I got married to someone, or I actually was engaged to someone. And he says, if you look at her, and he says no

00:41:39--> 00:42:20

fumble at how you go and look at her Look at her face, say no New Democrat in a coma. Okay? it's more likely that if you do this, that you will find harmony between you. between you, there'll be harmony between both of you. So there were some Muslims in some areas, right? They would never, they would never allow that. You'll never see him. You know that right? You'll never see my daughter ever on just on the marriage right after you marry on the marriage night. That's a revelation when you finally see your face. But before that never right. And it's like, you know, 5050 you never really know what you're getting. But he will never, never let that happen. Right? And you think that stuff?

00:42:21--> 00:42:31

But that's not what if the prophets always sent him who's emailing with the pain is saying to one of his companions look, go and look. Because the panel, what happens if you see and they said, No,

00:42:32--> 00:42:39

that's no, I can't, or she sees you and says, No, not this guy. I've never really imagined that he's going to look like that.

00:42:40--> 00:42:50

So what happens then? So you know, the income of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam is wise, and he's guided by Allah, He says, there's this basic harmony that the face can convey.

00:42:52--> 00:43:11

And if you see and you look at her, and she looks at you, and there is that acceptance, right, that compatibility, then it's likely that to continue after marriage to be vanilla, but if there is that Subhanallah nephron, that hatred, right in compatibility, then don't continue with this thing, right.

00:43:13--> 00:43:21

Now, some people ask, this is point number seven, not everybody gets or has his family to help, right?

00:43:22--> 00:43:29

Or people who can matchmakers around them. So they asked about matrimonial services and websites. Right?

00:43:31--> 00:43:49

And they're in Sharla. And let's talk about matrimonial services. First of all, if the one who's running that is someone that you trust, there's nothing wrong with it. Insha Allah, this is another form of matchmaking, except that it's happening on a bigger scale, right? Nothing wrong with it. inshallah, I've not tried it myself, but just listening or hearing from people who have tried it.

00:43:50--> 00:44:03

It can work. It doesn't always work, but it can work. But it's one other paths that you can take. The other paths are not available, right? websites, why?

00:44:04--> 00:44:44

Should you take them? Should you not? Should we pursue that or not be cautious? If you have alternatives to that, seek these alternatives and not don't go and you know, choose a website by which you're going to choose your mate. But when you are, we don't have options? Or a lot of options? In some places, right? There's not a lot of Muslims around or in domestic number of people who are willing to help. And these websites are there be very cautious, right? Right, when you put your information what you share with the other person. And if you actually come close to maybe thinking that this person might be the one right, not not the one, but a one a potential one. You

00:44:44--> 00:45:00

ask for their information and you ask you contact the newest mystery to them and ask them to investigate this person on your behalf. Just to validate that he actually exists, that the picture actually matches the name right. Everything is real about them. They're not

00:45:00--> 00:45:39

Crazy cycle all of that, and that they can be trusted. And then you can, you know, you know, proceed by, you know, having the amount of your community contact the amount of that community somehow, in a way that is secure. But you know, don't share everything. This is my address, and this is my phone number. And this is how you can find me, and all of that, and just you're sitting there waiting for harm to visit, you don't do that. It just doesn't make sense, right? And you never really know who's out there and who's talking and communicating to you. But is it another option? Yes. But when you are out of options, this is my recommendation when you're out of other options. Yeah, you can seek

00:45:39--> 00:46:18

that But seek to seek websites that you actually trust. But yet, and I don't have a name of someone on the website that you can trust. I'm just saying you in general, right? If there's something like that, go ahead for it, but we would we really need. And this highlights really the need is that every message or a couple of messages, at least should have matrimonial services, right? on premise. Right? Okay, they should have it right at least in the area that you know who wants to get married and who is interested in who's looking and they're able to connect with other messages we need this is urgent. And if the message is not doing it, maybe one or two or a couple of refused sisters, they

00:46:18--> 00:46:50

can take it upon themselves and they can become the matchmakers of that mystery. Everybody knows, you want to get married, you come to us, we'll have the names, we have the description, and we can ensure a lot direct you to who wants and what they want. So the message is the best and safest and most secure place to have that but if the message sometimes the messages are way, way too slow to move, right. So if that's the case, don't just wait for the messenger to move propose it. But if mustard doesn't move, if there was a sister,

00:46:51--> 00:47:15

just imagine that has enough that we'll be getting the vanilla when she's saving this man and this woman right from thick now just imagine that has taken upon yourself. We don't always have to wait for someone else. To do things for us. take it upon yourself and try to do that is not going to always be pleasant. You'll be tested, right? But inshallah Be patient, and just think about the outcome. And watch from Allah subhana wa,

00:47:18--> 00:47:36

point number eight. So eight 910 and channel will be done right? And then you can ask whatever questions you have inshallah eight cultural differences. Now we're going to talk about intercultural marriages in Sharla. Next time, but here cultural differences, do they matter? Or do they not?

00:47:37--> 00:47:38

Right?

00:47:39--> 00:47:42

What I will say is that if you say the matter, you're wrong,

00:47:43--> 00:47:45

and if you say they don't matter, you're

00:47:46--> 00:47:47

wrong to

00:47:48--> 00:47:49

say you're wrong either way.

00:47:50--> 00:47:54

You're wrong. If you say they don't matter, and you're wrong, if you say the matter. Depends on

00:47:56--> 00:47:59

depends on you. Him and her depends on them.

00:48:01--> 00:48:06

So when you're thinking about it, right, if I'm marrying from another culture, right?

00:48:07--> 00:48:48

Yeah, ask yourself, does my culture matter? And by the way, there is no person who's cultural free, by the way, right? No single person is culture free. Because we sometimes attached culture to people who have come from overseas, these have culture. But if I've gone up here, I don't have a culture. That's not true, right? Everybody has a culture, how you react, how you behave, what you eat, what you see how you greet others, old culture, right? Everybody has a culture. So if I'm going to marry somebody from another culture, is my culture so important to me that I cannot write, feel happy, belonging, mixing with another culture? If it's really important to you, then you know the answer.

00:48:48--> 00:49:04

But if you say it doesn't matter to me, right? And I'm adapt, I can adapt easily to this culture, that culture, this way of living that way of living this food, that food, it doesn't matter, then it doesn't matter. Right? And the same thing for the other person, they have to ask themselves that question.

00:49:06--> 00:49:12

And here, I'm sure a lot more about it will know yourself. here in Charlotte, think about it, not only in short term.

00:49:14--> 00:49:23

Because what happens is that Oh, am I gonna get married, I'm gonna get married, you get so excited. You don't think about a year from now, five years from now 10 years from now, but think about it.

00:49:24--> 00:49:28

Let's say for example, I'm a person who really likes my food.

00:49:29--> 00:49:36

Buy my own food, right, whatever, buddy, Annie, I really have to have Brianna. And she has to know how to cook videos.

00:49:38--> 00:49:50

So she doesn't know how to cook at all. Or he comes from a culture that cooks something else and doesn't like this thing. Are you willing to live without it? You can say I can go out and buy it right? And that's what yeah, maybe but sometimes you really want a home cooked meal.

00:49:51--> 00:50:00

If that is really important to you, then know that know that and don't come later. We'll talk about that next week.

00:50:00--> 00:50:06

Don't come later and say, you know, you can't cook this. This is something that I love. But this is how you married her right?

00:50:07--> 00:50:32

So it's not fair. So know what is important. Some cultures, right, the way that they will treat the parents are different than other cultures. Right? Do you have the patience? Or not? By to teach that to your mate? Do they have the patience to learn that? Do they have the patience sometimes and wisdom to be frustrated at times until they get it?

00:50:34--> 00:51:10

Is culture important to your parents and your extended family? Will they accept this other person or not? Is your family and extended family important to you or not? You have to ask yourself all of these questions. And if culture is important to you, then that's an important thing to consider in your mate. If culture is important to your family, and your family is important to you, and how they get along is very important to you. And they're not going to accept him or her until they belong to that culture, then you have the answer, right? You know what your answer is. But if it doesn't matter, I can marry anyone between the law and this culture doesn't matter, then yeah, you can marry

00:51:10--> 00:51:27

anyone. And if your family is no more open minded about it, and it doesn't matter to them, they understand that the other person is different than they're willing to work with them and accept them then culture is not important. So you decide and culture is either important or not based on you.

00:51:29--> 00:51:34

Number nine, interesting, I titled that know yourself.

00:51:36--> 00:51:42

Because number 10 is know your mate. Right? But here know yourself? What is it that you want out of life?

00:51:43--> 00:51:45

And why are you getting married.

00:51:46--> 00:52:01

It's not just the excitement of buying the dress, right? Or, you know, having you know, you know, all the gifts or all that attention, or just being married, right, getting that good getting over with that. It's not just that,

00:52:02--> 00:52:04

but it's a long term plan.

00:52:06--> 00:52:42

And if you go back to the first thing that we talked about, right, that it is an AMA from Allah subhana wa Tada, we're forming this unit right now. And you're trying to bring in the blessing of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And when you are having this, you know, this unit, this is the person who are going to be home all the time to receive you, and you receiving them, they will be the father, the mother of your children being in law. So what is it that you want out of life? Know yourself? What are your values? what is important to you? What do you hope to accomplish in 510 20 years? I know sometimes we don't think like that. But you need to think like that, because you're going to be

00:52:42--> 00:52:45

communicating this to the other person.

00:52:46--> 00:52:55

Right? And you're going to be asking them to be your partner on a journey that will take you not only throughout the rest of your life, but then to Allah xojo.

00:52:56--> 00:52:58

It's not like till death do us part right?

00:53:00--> 00:53:01

thereafter, right?

00:53:02--> 00:53:27

You follow? I'm saying it's not just only till death do us part. Because on the Day of Judgment, right, you're going to both stand before Allah azza wa jal either going to be complaining about each other, or Bismillah, interceding for each other. So it doesn't stop there. Till death do us part. And if both of you go to gender, you will be married in Genevieve Neela. And if not,

00:53:28--> 00:53:33

both of these, they will be in Hellfire as well punishing each other.

00:53:34--> 00:53:36

So it's important to you to know yourself.

00:53:38--> 00:53:42

And part of that when I want to say also is as a parent, know your children.

00:53:44--> 00:53:48

Know your children, talk to them. And it's not always commands

00:53:50--> 00:53:58

and dictating how they should be and how they should behave. What they should believe no, you should, especially when it comes to this stage. Now there are adults,

00:53:59--> 00:54:15

there are adults at this stage. You cannot command them to be what you want them to be the time for that has passed. Now it's time for you to talk to them. So understand what is it that they want? Why are they choosing this person?

00:54:16--> 00:54:54

Do they understand the depth the gravity of what marriage is? Are they ready for it? Do you need to give them advice? Do they understand the obstacles the challenges that may come not to discourage marriage? Not at all. But just to be ready for it? Do they understand all of this and even if they actually are at odds with you, okay, whatever the way that they look at the world the way that they are religiously, still you need to understand them because you can give them advice and you can guide them unless you understand them. So when I'm saying know yourself, I only know us also I'm saying know your children.

00:54:55--> 00:54:59

Right? really know and for that you need to sit and talk to them.

00:55:00--> 00:55:03

It's not like, I want to marry this person never. That's it, it's done.

00:55:05--> 00:55:27

But I don't like this, no, it's done, you're gonna married, it's not like that it can't be like that. You can't keep commands anymore. sit and talk. And you'd be surprised at how many parents don't talk to their kids, they really don't talk to their kids. And the kids as as a consequence, they don't talk to them, and the channels between them, not only damage, they're not existing.

00:55:28--> 00:55:33

Okay? So you need to establish that, and you can give advice.

00:55:34--> 00:55:59

And they will not be able to receive and accept your advice. If you are not sitting down, and you're talking and as adult as an adult, to another adult, so know yourself, and you know, your children as well. And by the way, I mean, it's, it's a two way street, also, you know, your parents, I'm not just going to put the burden on the parents, that's it. But also as a young man and a young woman, right?

00:56:00--> 00:56:28

These parents that you have are a resource, even though at this whole moment, you may think they're just too old and irrelevant. And whatever it whatever it is that you're thinking, maybe you're not thinking that but maybe some are, no matter what you're thinking about them. They're a resource that a lot given to you. They have a reservoir of experience, right? Some of it is good, some of it is bad, but at least they still have something to share with you, and they care for you.

00:56:29--> 00:56:51

And they're not going to disassociate once you get married, right? They're gonna still be there. So I'm saying is no, your parents, if they're saying, No, use it, then I'm going to sit with you. Use it with them and ask them why not. You talk, let's talk and share with me your point of view, and listen to my point of view, right? And let the conversation begin.

00:56:53--> 00:57:02

And then be vanilla, you'll be able to reach a compromise because this is what you want. It's a matter of negotiation between parents, and their sons and daughters.

00:57:04--> 00:57:28

And the better negotiator You are the better outcome. But if what you're doing is that no, do this, this this. And no, I'm going to rebel, I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to do that. Neither of you is going to get exactly what you want. And the family right is just going to break apart. So know yourself. Know your parents and your children. The last thing number 10 know your potential mate.

00:57:29--> 00:57:36

Ask questions when you're sitting with them ask relevant questions. Right.

00:57:38--> 00:58:16

What I want from my life is this. This is how I see inshallah life I get married to someone, this is how I see my life. I want more for my children to be doing doing this, this this Islamic education, let's say I want them to memorize this and know that this is my hope is it's yours as well. Right? What's important to me in life is you know, my religion is important. Explain how is your religion important? Right? For some going to the masjid, for some working for Islam, for some, whatever it is, my profession is important. This is what discuss it and discuss what matters in detail, long, short and long term.

00:58:18--> 00:58:37

So that the other person understands you better, right. And again, don't just get caught up in the excitement of just getting married. Okay, talk about what is relevant. Because then be in the now you're building a foundation, not for the next month. And that's it, right just for the honeymoon. And that's it. And after the honeymoon

00:58:39--> 00:59:01

in Panama, this is this is reality, reality has set in, extremely disappointing. That's not it, build a foundation for the next before your next life, inshallah for the end till the end. And you won't be able to do that until you're very honest about who you are what you want. And you listen to them being honest about what they want and who they are. Right.

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And some people ask sometimes, you know, for me, the engagement period is not supposed to be so long. And I know that there are customs and varying customs about it in different cultures. But you don't need a year to get to know a person. Right? That's too long. That's way too long.

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And what do you want to know about them away? That's way too much right? What do you really want is to actually sit Okay, talk to them two times three times four times already we know within chaperone right. Family present. ask all the questions that you want to ask let them ask you all the question that they want to ask. If the family's approved, right.

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You know, with knowledge a family you can communicate with her and she can communicate with you you know, through email, or electronically, provided that the families know there's a federal about that the families know

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For a limited time, and you only speaking Hello, I think how long is being exchanged in that, right? But just it's an opportunity for you to ask questions, sometimes that may not be possible, right? When your father and mother is sitting right there, too embarrassed to talk about these things or in front of that other person. So that gives us an you know, a way to know the other person, but it's a limited, I, it's not open ended, let's talk forever, right. That's another way of getting to know the other person. But if you do that, I hope some of the steps I have or had in mind, if you do that, inshallah, you'll be more ready

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to embrace the embrace this married life. And what we'll talk about inshallah, next week is how to have a happier life. So it'll be an extension of some neural some of what we talked about today. And within that, we'll add some new stuff. Right? So what is the basis of actually having a happy marriage? And how to foster that and continue with it despite all the obstacles that all of us will and must face? inshallah. So this is the first installment in sha Allah,

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Allah Hara for listening.

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And if you have questions, let me know.

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By the way, if you're unsure, I'll take your question. But by the way, if you don't get a chance to ask or you don't really want to ask in public can email your question, you can send it through comments, messages, whatever way inshallah electronically. And I will answer your question. If you want it to be confidential, it will be absolutely 100% confidential inshallah.

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Yeah.

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characteristics.

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One thing that I mentioned,

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specifically, Muslim,

01:01:55--> 01:01:56

or non Muslim?

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No, no, but I was meant I'll talk about it today, inshallah. So, your question is about marrying a non Muslim. So a person, right, a Muslim man, because we know that a Muslim woman cannot marry a non Muslim man, but a Muslim man marrying a non Muslim woman, Jewish or Christian, right? Now,

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the original ruling, they will find in the Quran that it is allowed, but yet that it's allowed. So we're not going to change that.

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But at the same time, you have to realize the context that you're living in.

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Now, when we're saying seek the religious one, one thing that I actually forgot to mention, is some people say whether it's male or female, it's fine. Is not that religious. I'll change them after marriage. I'll change your ice. He's not he's saying it doesn't work. Right? It doesn't work. Right? It's easy to change before marriage, because now right now she wants to get married. Now he wants to get he'll do anything to get married. Right? So if they change before, that change is likely to continue after marriage. It's very complicated.

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So how about religions? And nothing? It doesn't work? Absolutely. 100% of the times it does not work. So I'm aware of cases where it worked. He married a non Muslim woman. Right. And she embraced Islam after some time, it does work sometimes, but you have to be a really good person. Right? A really patient person and model by because she she must have hate you in his innocence, she must present to you. Otherwise, if she resents you, I'm never gonna be Muslim never write, because she already resents you, why would you do anything that you wanted to do? But if she likes you, right, she may do it. And she's, you know, Subhanallah, she's, she's good. On the inside. She has a good

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heart. But I've also seen other examples where it ended up in divorce. Right, and the families splitting and the children being raised as non Muslims by so I do not recommend it. marrying a non Muslim woman, I do not recommend it. Right. And some of them have said it's, in this context, the context of living in non Muslim society, some of the elements said that it says, I do not recommend it, because the consequences are dire. I know and especially the children and what happens with the children, because something happens, you may not get custody of the children, and if she raises them, they're not going to be Muslim.

01:04:49--> 01:04:54

Hey, Zack, we're adding Zach alive so she needs to be

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chased and chased woman. That's what he wants to

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So chase Dolman. So that's a condition that he of the People of the Book, that should be a chaste woman. Yeah. And she does not practice Xena, and is not accepted as something, you know, normal, which is very hard to find, as he said, as I belong. Now.

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Any other questions?

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Now I'm accepting Islam, oh, this is ideal if they accept Islam before marriage, right. inshallah, this is what you want to happen, because now she's committed to a path, which is the Islamic path, she can continue to learn after and have learned nothing wrong with that hamdulillah. But

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it's most likely right that she will accept Islam before marriage more than after Milan. So this is what I recommend all the time, you

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know?

01:05:56--> 01:05:58

Yeah, yes.

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Yeah, they have that, which is what?

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Most of the people they just know.

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100 Al

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Hamdulillah. So they're connecting people together, right in the midst of the you're talking about and this is a model, this is what we're supposed to have. Because people don't know where to go. And you can't wait for this conference and that conference every year just to go to it. Right. Exactly. It should be a department required department in the state, right, definitely.

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So let's see on this site. anyone has a question? No, but you get lunch. So next week with how to have a happier life. Please do attend because, well, it just makes sense. Right? Now you've known how to choose. The next week is when actually you've chosen and you're married to this person. How do you live? Right? So this is important to decide on life.