Channel: Abdul Nasir Jangda
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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah, Allah Allah, He will be here as marine.
One of the most important concepts within our religion, our Deen. And this is something that the Quran talks about extensively, something that is very, very prominent from the study of the life of the prophets a lot a sudden, the prophetic biography, the Sierra, Sierra Nevada. And similarly, this is something that is very extensively, very emphatically addressed by the prophets a lot. He said, I'm in his sacred traditions, and the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, and something that is a very obvious need of human beings, something that is a part of the human experience. And that is the issue of family.
the issue of family is something that each and every single one of us address, each and every single one of us experienced, rather, each and every single one of us deal with, in our own way, shape or form, but something that is every whom it is relevant to each and every single human being.
And when talking about the issue of family, I feel it's very, very important. It's crucial, it's critical for us. And we, when we look at any issue, any situation, such as the Imam, the chef in the in the ayat that he recited within the prayer, he was talking about the issue of the concept of the belief in one Allah, believing in one God, one deity, the concept of oneness of God. And what's very beautiful, what's very, very
important to note about how Allah subhanho wa Taala addresses the issue of tawheed within the Quran, Allah subhanho wa Taala presents the problem to us.
Whether Osaka according to the law, it talks about, you know, the partners that you associate with Allah, the the false gods, the false deities, the false idols that you have taken other than Allah.
And so, one very important way in addressing any situation, and one very consistent pattern throughout the Quran throughout the teachings of the prophets a lot, he said, that if we are to truly actually address any issue, any concern any situation, then we first and foremost must come to terms with the reality of the situation. You know, when we talk about rehabilitation, when we talk about solving any problem when we talk about resolving any type of issue, the very first step of rehabilitation is accepting that there is a problem. Being aware of the problem being cognizant of the situation, and not being ashamed, not being afraid, not shying away from admitting the fact that
there is a problem. That's the first step to solving any situation, any problem. So when we talk about the situation of family,
and something that is very near and dear to our hearts, and I think anyone that has any level of experience in community leadership, community matters, Community Affairs, will, I think very readily admit, and stand up here with me and preach about the dire need of addressing family issues. Not just in society, not just in community, but specifically even within the Muslim community, from our imams in our shoe who are on the frontlines, to even community leaders and community activists. A basic Hatim
a basic Hatim can tell you the importance, a Sunday school teacher, a weekend school Islamic school teacher,
would be able to speak to you for hours and hours, about the critical need
of addressing the family situation.
So coming to terms with the reality, what is the reality at hand? What are our issues? What are our circumstances? What's going on with us? Number one, I think one thing that we have to understand in our very unique circumstance, in our very unique situation as a Muslim minority living here in America in the United States, I think the very first thing that we need to understand we need to come to terms with come to terms with is that the problems that we are experiencing in Muslim families are the same that others are experiencing in outside of the Muslim community as well.
Meaning our problems are not there are certain things that are unique about our circumstances and situations. But generally speaking, a lot of what we are experiencing are general problems across the board.
Because we have to again, deal with a very specific reality. And that reality is is that we live in society.
We live in this same society that everyone else has every other faith based community
Every other, you know, ethnic community, the same society that they live in the United States of America, current day modern day United States of America, we are living in that same exact society, we are being impacted by those same social elements. And so we have to the very first thing I think it's very important for us to understand is deal with the reality that we are similar to any other community. Meaning we will be impacted by our society, by the culture, we live in the media, the impact that it's having on them.
It's also having that same impact on us.
Our children going to school, the effects that the school environment or interacting with other children, the same effects that it has on them. It's also affecting us.
You know, I always tell the story that
I have a little bit of a unique experience. And that is, and I mean, again, there's many other people who have much more extensive experience in this regard. But I feel in terms of a lot of the people in our communities, today, I have a little bit of a unique experience. And that unique experience, is simply the fact that
I was I was raised during the 80s. And that's not too long ago, I'm still might be a kid or a young into many of our elders here. But that still is a significant time ago, I grew up during the 80s. You know, I was a teenager during the 90s.
And so, and I particularly grew up in a place where there were very few Muslim families and Muslim families, still, the Muslim community is still relatively young, it was very, very small, minuscule, it was very, very small back then.
And so growing up at a time like that, I kind of got to see the evolution of the Muslim community, if you will, the development of the Muslim community, to developing to the point where we are today.
And there was also at the same time amongst the immigrant, Muslim community at that time, there was this notion there was this idea. And I don't mean to offend anyone by calling it that there was even this delusion that we're all eventually going back home.
We're all going back home.
And that was the tone of the Muslim community, the immigrant Muslim community in the 80s. The immigrants amongst the Muslim community, that was their mindset during the 80s, even leading into the 90s, were all eventually going back home. So there was a certain amount of denial about dealing with the issues at hand. And I remember very vividly, that when people would even address social issues, social evils, family
issues, that were very, very common.
At that point in time in general American society, there used to be this distancing themselves from those issues or those concerns by saying those are their problems, not ours. That happens with them, not us. I still remember during the early 90s, one of my main teachers and mentors, one of my senior Xu Mufti name, have you Allah, may Allah protect him. He used to visit the United States very commonly, very frequently, on an annual basis, and he would travel around and he would talk to communities. I was a very young half at that time, very uncomfortable for odd. I was leading salatu salam we had a community with with for a community at a Masjid
and he came to visit and check on me and see how we were doing. And we have close family relationships with him as well. So he came to the tarawih prayers to listen to me to you know, as a teacher to check on me see how I was doing. And then of course, we requested him to address the congregation like I'm addressing you now. We are requested him to address the community, address us after the tarawih prayers. And he started talking about the family issues. And he was trying to emphasize the importance of adhering to the deen learning the deen the importance of instilling tarbiyah a system of suburbia within the homes within the community. So there are children who grow
up with the proper Islamic perspective. Otherwise, these family socials and even the social evils and the family issues that we saw out there. Amongst them. You see the very specific language I'm using that before we know it will be standing at our own doorstep and it would be inside of our own homes in our own communities.
And I actually remember being very young I was shocked by this reaction. I remember some community members, becoming very angry.
shouting at the shift interrupting him and becoming very angry. How dare you know
He's talking about issues like divorce. He's talking about kids running away from home. He was talking about children rebelling against their parents. He was talking about families breaking apart and cutting each other off and disowning each other. You know, what basically become commonplace in our communities today, right? He was talking about these things. And I still remember very vividly some community members becoming very angry. How dare you even talk about this stuff, don't even mention the word divorce. Our children are here, our families are here, how dare you talk about this stuff. These aren't our problems. We're Muslims, we don't have these problems. Those are their
problems. And pardon my my use of the word I don't condone speaking in this manner, but I'm trying to paint the picture for you on what the mentality was. Those are the Cathars problems.
Those aren't our problems, we don't have those issues. There was such a complete denial. There was such oblivious and such delusion present in our communities at that time. And before you knew it, you know that same my same teacher visiting year after year, it was literally a number of years
before he's being requested when he's opening up, and he's giving a lecture, and he was gonna talk about duck law or sub out or patience or fasting, or the importance of cron, or something like that he's specifically being requested to talk about marriage, he's specifically being requested to talk specifically about divorce, to specifically talks about children rebelling a number of years.
So this is a reality that we have to come to terms with that goal, their problems, those problems, those are the same problems we have, there's a certain common thread between a lot of these issues, and therefore the factors are dissimilar, are the same or similar. And therefore a lot some solutions at the same time, might also be very, very similar, we will of course, have our own unique take on them, because of the guidance of Allah and the guidance of His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. But nevertheless, there are certain common threads that we have to understand. And we also have to understand we are not immune,
as Muslims, as Muslim families, as a Muslim community, we are not immune to the evils to the problems to the circumstances to the situations that might exist out there.
That's the very first reality. The Second Reality I'd like to present here, before I get started with addressing some specifics of the family situation, the condition the situation of family.
The Second Reality is
and this is very important, we have to understand this because a lot of times for us and not wrong. Not this is not wrong or incorrect in any way, shape, or form. But nevertheless, it's a concern. And some people are just very focused in this regard. For some people, the bottom line is spirituality. Just Islam EMA and they translate Islam Eman has just the connection with Allah, the spiritual part of it, the spiritual relationship, the spiritual connection to a low
understand one thing, family struggles, family difficulties,
unrest, trouble, chaos.
This stress in the home
and happiness in the home.
It affects spirituality.
It affects people's relationship with the law.
It has a very profound impact on an individual. When someone is struggling in their marriage, in their relationship with their children, in their relationship at home in the the harmony in the home is gone.
That does affect that will affect a person's spiritual condition.
How often has it been the case?
That when you are having a fight at home,
you are in the middle of a very serious situation with your spouse.
Yes, the mind initially goes to making up but when it goes on when they persist when it becomes a serious problem or a serious issue. How common is it that you forget to pray? You don't think of the prayer. You don't feel like getting up and praying.
You become neglectful of even your salon.
How common is that?
So understand that even unrest within the home. And that emotional distress that a human being experiences due to concerns in the family and distress in the family it affects spirituality. Make no mistake about that. Now having said that,
what are some of the key dynamics, the key relationships of family where we are struggling and what are some of the struggles that we are experiencing? And then
We'll talk a little bit very briefly. It's a very short lecture.
And so obviously, we can't solve the problem here, we can't even in detail, address the issues, or the solutions, but we can at least raise awareness. And understand raising awareness is the first step to solving any problem. After a person admits that there is a problem, the next step is raising awareness, at least about the issue. And then secondly, about some of the solutions. So we need to at least start talking about this being becoming aware of it. And that's what we'll do here. The very first universal dynamic of family relationship is the parent child relationship. Because everyone is either a parent or a child,
marriage and some of those things, we'll talk about that. But the very first most universal application of family is the parent child relationship. Everyone is either a parent or everyone is either a child,
one or the other.
And you know, something very beautiful about the Quran about the book of Allah, the ultimate source of guidance, the ultimate reminder, the ultimate lesson.
Allah subhanaw taala talks about this relationship in the Quran
highlights both the problem, the problems, and even the solutions allow Spanner Rotella presents problematic, difficult Parent Child relationships towards in the Koran, and then he presents to as harmonious, happy, beautiful, functional, beneficial, flourishing Parent Child relationships within the parent as well to both present the problem and the solution.
And the Quran is not a storybook. The Quran is not a history textbook. The Quran is guidance. It's a reminder, it presents and solves problems. It points out our problems to us and then solves those problems for us. So when the last final result a chooses to mention something in his book in his column in his speech, it's there for a reason there for a purpose because it's very important and very relevant.
Allah subhanaw taala in spirits medium, and other places as well, but very extensively. Allah subhanaw taala presents the very difficult strained relationship of Ibrahim Ali Salaam with his father.
A father is frustrated with the Son and the son is frustrated with the Father.
Both have their own perspectives. The father is frustrated with the sun because the sun has abandoned the culture, the religion the ways of his father, of the family, of the community of the forefathers. And the son is frustrated with the father because the father is in denial about the truth.
Believing in one God
and they're actually going back and forth.
The son is telling the father Yeah, very respectfully. Oh, my dear father,
which is like our we would say Dad, please.
Daddy, please. Appu Come on. Please. Baba, please. He's pleading with his father. Yeah, but he Yeah, but four times. At the beginning of every statement. He says Dad, please.
Yeah, but he
is trying to be respectful. He's trying to not point any blame that Apple does shave off. You're not bad that chiffon is bad.
He's trying to plead with the Father. And the father is frustrated with the child.
even enter an early hottie, I brought him
so you're trying to tell me my Gods aren't good enough for you? Boy, Ibrahim didn't say My dear son. Yeah, Brahim.
my gods are good enough for you. The other germanica are kill you. literally means like our stone you which is an expression Arabic I'll kill you or hurt you.
You need to stop now. I'll hurt you. Why do you need Malian? Get out of here. I disown you. You're dead to me. You're nothing to me. Because difficult that relationship.
I love presents such a relationship Parent Child
Yaqoob alehissalaam. With the older sons.
That's a strange relationship, isn't it?
they're jealous. You'd like to serve better than he likes us.
He chooses us over us. He loves us more than he loves us.
Why? Why would he? And the father is trying to make the sons understand. What's wrong with you guys? Why would you even say that? Why would you even think that?
The Father knows that the sons
have taken their younger brother and basically disposed of him.
They're lying to my face.
The Father knows.
But what can you do? Why don't you understand?
So parent child relationship is something that we in the last month has is not the kind of few concepts you may ever have to learn about there are lessons.
So there will be difficulties in the parent child relationship, the child will feel like the parents just don't understand me and the parent will will be frustrated with the child. I only want good for you. Why don't you listen to me? child says, You don't understand me. The parent says you don't listen to me.
And I think all of us have experienced that, you know, Subhanallah something that's unique about this relationship. It's it's not only when the children are young. This is not only in the teenage years, those who are older who have older parents also know the struggles and the challenges. That's why you know that very famous I have the Quran from Surah Nisa, sutras benissa in Surah, number 17.
The very famous, you know, I Oh, Wah Bah, boo, boo, Illa Yahuwah bill valid a Santa, you know, don't even say off to your parents.
You know, what context that saying that in it specifically talking about what Mr. Logan there in the Cal Kibera huduma Oklahoma, it's on now when one or both of your parents have reached senility. They've become old, they've become senile. Now they're angry.
They're frustrated, their body is falling apart, they're ill, they're sick, they can't eat properly, they can't sleep properly, they can't walk properly.
You know how difficult that is. As young, able bodied people, we have no understanding of how frustrating that must be. Imagine living your life on your own feet, being independent for 5060 years. And then one day, you can't even get up and go get a glass of water for yourself. You can't even go and use the restroom yourself. Imagine what that's like.
So they're angry. They're short tempered, they're frustrated, and even the mind begins to go. The emotions become frail. Like Allah tells us, you have to allow
the get returned back to the worst of ages. You know, one of my dear, dear friends, one of my dear, dear friends, he's one of my best friends.
He accepted Islam in middle school we grew up together.
So he's a convert, he's a revert. His parents are not Muslim yet. Maybe you offer them in sha Allah. May Allah bless him with guidance with hidayah.
His mother is both his parents are old and they're, you know, they have health issues. But his mother suffered a very severe stroke recently
to the point where she lost a lot of function in half her body.
And he told me he's like NASA, you know, I never goes you know, when life hits you, when when you wake up to the reality of life.
When so many things, the reality of them hits you in the face 60 miles per hour. It's like I went and he's working and he's working hard and he travels for work and he has to be away from his parents, because he's financially supporting them and paying the bills, the medical bills for the nurse to be there to take care of his mother. All the responsibilities on him but he said, I was visiting my parents over the weekend, back home from work off the road. I went back to my parents when I was with them over the weekend. He said I sat there and I fed my mother with the spoon.
I spoon fed my own mom
like that's when I realized
like you know, you sit there and feed a child I have a two year old at home.
And I you sit there and you feed your child Come on, come on, open up, open up. Another one of my dear friends dear, dear friends, we studied together We grew up together we're like brothers.
His mother also, you know, very, very difficult health suffered a stroke and you know, dealing with a lot
and I visited him
and I visited his mother with him.
Having to force her to speak,
to talk to interact to eat, you eat your food. Come on. Did you eat your food? So hon Allah
so last month is talking about when the parents reach the old age. My grandmother Rahim Allah May Allah bless her and render genda for those
she develop Alzheimer's before she passed away.
So hon Allah
I witnessed that and I witnessed my mother experiencing that. And my auntie, my uncle experiencing that.
The mind was gone.
So last month in that context, he's speaking about parents becoming old so anyone who's even an adult and abroad This is not me.
The difficulty the frustration with parents.
You make you're making my life difficult. You're a teenager say, God, you hate me.
Like, why do you hate me so much?
You never want to let me do anything. You want to ruin my life.
And usually it's about like, you know, sleeping over at the friend's house on a Friday night.
But everyone's gonna be there.
You're destroying my life. Right? So that frustration that kids have with parents. It's not just relegated to teenagers, anyone that has elderly parents, that is an adult now that is mature now. I'm an adult, I'm mature now. I don't have drama. I don't have teenage hormones.
I'm not going through that phase of my life. I'm not an adolescent.
You still know about the frustration with parents, don't you? Because fine, you might be an adult, you might not have drama anymore.
But now your parents are old. They're fragile, and they're senile. And they're demanding.
They don't want your money. I pay their bills, what more did they want?
I send money every month, what more do you want.
They just want to sit and talk to you.
It's all they want.
They just want to sit and talk to you. They still want to know that they exist to you. They matter to you. They still want you to ask their opinion about something like you're used to.
So let's move on to speaking specifically. So the frustration with parents. It's a universal thing. Everybody deals with it.
frustration with the children.
disappointment with children in your children. It's a universal thing.
When they're kids, they don't listen, they don't learn. They don't pay attention.
Normally my four or five, my four year old
you know, the world is opening up to her. She's starting to become more and more independent every single day.
Every single day, it's already awkward for her now. I dropped by her school. She just started going to school I dropped by her school, you know, walked into the classroom, I saw her working. So you know, you know when your children are small in at any age, for that matter. I mean, my children are small. So that's all I know. I mean, you look at your children, you're overcome with love.
You know that love just fills your heart. I haven't seen her for three hours. She went to school at eight in the morning, I met her at school at 11 already feels like a lifetime. So what did I do? I walked up to her from behind her. I hugged her I kissed her, like a boo, stop.
And then when she got home later that day, she tells my wife
Mommy, oh, hug me and kiss me in front of everybody.
Everybody? Right? So that that you know that the beard so I'm like, what's wrong with that?
Of course, I hug you and kiss you. Because you're my baby girl. That's why I hug you and just you. It starts there.
Start to become independent. anybody's got teenagers, you know, I was recently talking to a friend and colleague another email. It was kind of it was like any mom's dinner. We were all getting together having dinner just talking about, you know, how much we love our communities. And,
and, you know how amazing Our lives are. Mashallah. And so we were just talking, and we're all fairly, I mean, younger, in that sense, like, we all have small, small children, we still have babies, except for one of us, one of the Imams one of our colleagues. He actually has a teenager.
And and, you know, it just kind of hit me, it struck me. So I asked him, I said, you know, we talk and we lecture so much. We preach all the time. How is it having a teenager? And say yes or no? Right? That's all he could say was Yes. Hello. Make offer me. Right.
So that disappointment that that that frustration
with children, universal thing, whether they're kids, whether they're teenagers, and like I said, even when your children are all grown up, you think my parents still don't get frustrated with me? Of course they do.
Of course they do. Even when they're all grown up, and they have kids of their own. They're responsible individuals and they got a job in a home and a family. There's still always going to be frustration like because of what I just mentioned, you don't have time for me anymore.
You can't come and say hi, against the salon to your mom.
You know, my mom text messages me weirds me out. Right? There's something seems unnatural.
About an older Pakistani woman text messaging me, like why why do you even know how to text message? Right? So she texted messages me. And she responded, she expects a text message back.
And if I don't respond back in the next couple of minutes, like I was lecturing, or teaching or something, then I get a follow up text issue with question mark. Next one has two question marks. The third one has three question marks. Right? Where are you? Right? So it's a universal thing, being frustrated with your children.
It's a universal issue, all of us experiences. So that's one of the situation that's one of the dynamics in which we require some guidance. We need some guidance, we need some direction, that I'm going to lay out some of the key family relationships or dynamics or what are the issues, and then we'll talk about implementation of some of the solution. The second family dynamic that we struggle with, that we're experiencing problems in regards to his marriage, marital discord, starting all the way from pre marriage, how to get married,
you know, it's a universal problem, it's actually become a very common issue a very common problem, you can ask the sheriff you know, how many young people show up at his doorstep?
I want to get married to so and so.
But this problem, or her parents or my parents or this or that starts from there.
And then even problems in the marriage. You know, not sometimes you end up you know, in a rush in a rush of emotions, or even in, you know, zealous overzealousness religion, religious overzealous, Miss, like you become religiously overzealous. I have to avoid the sin, avoid the fitna get married. Who, why, where, what how doesn't matter, brother. It's the sooner
I'm pretty sure getting married blindly, is not the sooner. But that's what happens. So either people are ending up married very, very young people get married very young.
In, in, again, religious overzealousness or just a rush of emotions. A couple of years into marriage, even a couple of months into marriage, they realize they didn't know the person they got married to.
And we have so it's becoming so common for young people, newlywed couples to be divorced within a number of months.
Even a couple of years, if not a couple of months.
Lack of responsibility in the marriage.
A husband not taking his responsibility seriously, a wife not behaving responsibly.
A father mother, not you know, when you have young children, so many families, so many couples experience marital issues and marital problems, why he's not being a father to his children.
She's not being a good mother. Lack of responsibility. In law interference. This is a term I came up with in law interference, you know, pass interference
for football fans in law, interference. Trademark, all right. In law interference, it's a major issue. Because you have a clash of cultures, you have a clash of worlds dimensions
So the interference from in laws is all interference from the less bad Absolutely not.
But nevertheless, the dynamics of that interference, how that interference is taking place. It's causing problems, the in law issue, the inlaw problem, a lack of maturity, rushing into decisions rushing into marriage.
prioritization. For some people, work comes before the family, for some people, the religious cause,
the religious cause, the organization, the Association, the movement,
the spreading of the deen
comes before family. that's becoming a problem. Families are being torn apart. Why?
And honestly, this is an oxymoron to say that somebody's family failed because of their service to the dean, because of the family is falling apart. That doesn't even make sense. That's a contradiction. That's an oxymoron.
That's impossible. That obviously means somebody did not understand the deen or the religion.
lack of communication, you know, in prioritization and other thing, sometimes it could be the religion, sometimes it could be work. Sometimes it's money, it's greed.
And that's justified. But I just want to give you guys a nice home to live in. I want to give you guys the life that I never had. I want our kids to go to the best school.
And what happens because of that we destroy the family that we were using as justification to change
sometimes it's my own hobbies, my own indulgences. I'm married.
I still got to play Modern Warfare all night long. with my friends. I'm married.
I still gotta go to the basketball tournament.
I work five days a week, Saturday, there's a basketball tournament. Saturday, the wife is waiting.
We're finally going to get to spend some good quality time together. But I gotta go. Gotta go ball with the boys.
Right. My own personal hobbies, my own personal indulgences. You know, this is football country. I come from Dallas and other football area. So you guys will understand what I'm talking about.
Saturday, College Bowl, bowl games.
equals, what? 12 hours in front of the television?
What the spouse does, that's their problem.
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna change me.
I'm not changing for anybody. You married me? That's what you get.
I heard you say I accept. All right. I heard it.
So you accepted ASU football as well.
as terrible as it is. All right.
Sunday, football, NFL game day Sunday.
I have that. Whatever that package is called the NFL.
The DirecTV package, NFL game day, or whatever it's called.
Where it's like eight screens on the TV at one time.
You know, so in in a 12 hour period, I watched 15 games simultaneously. Congratulations.
Right, Mubarak, who want a cookie? Or maybe a lead do? Right? What do you want?
And so it's either that prioritization, and a lack of sense of what the priorities are.
In this culture, we even we have a challenge. And I'll tell you from a young, I was born and raised in Dallas, Texas, from this cultures perspective, I'll tell you one very huge problem we have in prioritization, something we put before family that is very unique and specific to this culture.
And that is, there's actually a phrase and expression that guys use. I can't repeat it here. It's offensive. It's inappropriate. And this is the mushy the house of Allah, so it's impossible, and I wouldn't steal because it's inappropriate. But they basically say bros before, blank, don't say it.
Shame on you, right? But they say bros before in a very derogatory word about women.
They're basically putting your friends before your woman
even though that word doesn't even apply to a person's wife. Stuff that alone. But nevertheless, it that that that same concept, people applied to marriage. Oh, my friends come first.
gotta hang with the boys. And this is not just specific to the guys, this is even in regards to the women.
Even in regards to girls,
that if a girl gets married, a woman gets married, she's a wife now.
How dare she not go out with the friends to dinner. They get shunned, they get outcasted by their unmarried friends.
They get pushed out by their unmarried friends.
This is a real struggle people are having that they literally have to kind of reinvent their friends circle they have to go and rediscover friends. First when they get married, the unmarried friends want no part no business. Why? She got time for us no more. She got to go and spend time with her husband. Like that's a ridiculous concept.
And then the married young married friends
who don't all have children the first one who has children. Gosh, she's so lame to hang out with now.
Why? Oh, everything's about a diaper and milk and well God forbid she'd be a good mother right?
So now she's again outcasted by a friend now she has to go read discover she has to go out there and discover other mom friends.
This is this is a struggle people have and so what what do people people crumble underneath that pressure?
So now my friend's got to be put first what am I gonna do with that my friends. So the the marriage, the children, everything will come second. So the marriage struggles because a lack of prioritization, lack of communication. That's one of the most universal issues and problems.
lack of communication, never establishing the lines of communication, let alone being comfortable with communicating concerns, problems.
You know even good things, nothing
is communicating those committed lines of communication never established? Again, in this culture, it's a very, it's a culture in which we pride ourselves on our individuality, on our independence. I'm independent on my own self, I don't need anybody's help.
And that manifests itself and creates problems even in marriages.
an unwillingness to compromise.
Why should I change anything about myself? If you don't like the way things are, then you deal with complete total lack of compromise.
Absolutely no motivation, no inclination to sacrifice anything.
I should not have to sacrifice anything. And this is on both sides of the marriage.
I'm not sitting here giving some old school lecture about women having to sacrifice No, this is on both sides. And I feel especially some of the very unique dynamics we have especially I can speak about my generation. And our challenges. I feel that lack of sacrifice, that unwillingness to sacrifice exists actually more amongst the guys than it does even amongst the girls.
Complete total, just unwillingness to sacrifice anything.
And then a third manifestation, which I'll talk about more briefly, of family issues or family problems, is sibling rivalry
amongst the siblings, so a little more unique than even marriage. But nevertheless, it is a problem. It is an issue, whether it's the parents favoring and, unknowingly, unintentionally, but they're favoring one child over another, that harbors that creates and harbors resentment amongst the children for each other.
sensitivity, as families, as parents, and overall as families, we have to learn to be sensitive to the strengths and the weaknesses of each and every single child
to be cognizant of what is each specific child's needs?
if something works for one child, maybe that's not what will work for the other child. What are their specific needs being cognizant of that fact.
not creating, not fostering an environment of competition amongst the children where they feel they have to compete for the parents love for the parents approval.
I hate to bring up personal things, but I mentioned it. Abdullah
you know, the crazy guy running around setting up all this gadgetry around here is my younger brother.
from what you see here, you know, that's exactly what you get. Meaning I'm the one talking on the microphone. He's the one recording and editing and uploading the video doing all the backend the media work.
But there's not a sense of competition, we have to learn to appreciate what everybody brings to the table. And we have to learn to respect everybody and not compete with each other in regards to what we are doing. But needs to we need to not create an environment of competition but one of collaboration.
That How can we collaborate we come together we piece together? How unbelievable of a strong unit we can become as a family as siblings as brothers and sisters. You know, I don't know I know I'm gonna date myself with this reference. But anybody remember Voltron?
There we go. Like Voltron.
Right for somebody a little bit younger Captain Planet.
No. Alright, nevermind. Alright, that's how you date yourself.
But talking about solutions, what are some solutions that we can begin to implement?
What are some solutions we can begin to implement to repair this family situation family condition. Number one is spirituality. I talked about this in the beginning I'll bring it up here again.
When we repair our relationship with a lot understand our relationship with a lot is the basis and the foundation of everything in our lives.
Our relationship with Allah is the basis and foundation of everything.
This is something we say in the Quran. This is something we say in health care. This is something we say in supplications in other area into us
and that is Tabatha ledyba. Fatah, barakallahu asanam. Kalia clean kabara theother Jelani Willa kromm, Allah is the source of all blessing. Allah is the one that grants blessing when we will repair and are our hobbies, our traditions, our narrations to the effect, that when we repair our relationship with Allah, Allah will repair everything else. When a person is beloved to Allah, Allah subhanaw taala has one announcement made in the heavens and the earth as well.
That I love him so everybody loves him as well. Oh jabril I love him so you love him?
you bleed Alison says Allah loves him. I love him. So all the inhabitants of the heaven you love him, the inhabitants of the heaven the angels America come down upon the earth and say what? Allah loves him, God loves him. We love him. So therefore all of you love him.
him or her.
So, spirituality when we fix our things with a law,
a lot of what Allah will put Baraka and blessing and everything else in our lives. And this is something that's very obvious. That's why the Prophet of Allah Salah Neeson was told what more Allah COVID Salatu was Salam Alaikum telling your family to pray and you'll be regular about family yourself. You'll be regular punctual about prayer yourself. You'll be steadfast about the prayer yourself.
tie yourself upon the prayer, but tell your family to pray and then pray yourself.
You know, so talking about the parent child relationship.
We have to learn to repair our relationship, the parents must really repair their relationship with Allah. That's why we're taught to do our bunnahabhain Amina is wodgina was Maria Tina kurata, ru.
Tina, Emma, make them make our spouses and our children the coolness of our eyes and make all of us the leaders of the McDuffie.
We have to repair spirituality, the parents and the children and do it together as a family. pray together as a family.
So first, fix your relationship with Allah and that will put Buttercup blessing that will start to repair the relationship with the family members. marriage. Allah subhanaw taala in ayah, number 238 of civil to Bukhara Allah says Happy to Allah salatu wa salatu salam, ala carnitine. Very carefully, very cautiously, very diligently watch over the prayers.
But you know what's very interesting about this ayah Allah subhanaw taala mentions his ayah in the middle of a passage, which talks about what divorce.
In the middle of giving us advice about divorce, Allah says, watch over the prayers. Why because maybe you're having problems in your marriage because you're having problems in your relationship with Allah. Go back and fix your relationship with a lamp with Buttercup back in your marriage, but blessing back in your marriage, bring that off man the mercy of Allah back into your marriage.
You know the houses in which Quran is recited, shine unto the inhabitants of the heavens, the skies, as the stars shine on to the inhabitants of the earth. Our houses become filled with nude and Baraka and blessing when we recite Quran in them, the prophet alayhi salatu salam would pray the Father daily prayers in the masjid, where would you pray his surname is no outfit were in the home.
And you know what, what that means for the Prophet of Allah slavisa. This is the masjid that's the home Masjid home, Masjid home, you see the difference? It was literally that much difference, he would take four steps and he'd be in his own, but he would still go. He would make the distinction you would make established the fact that he would take those four steps cross through the curtain and pray in the home, where the wife and the kids where the family members were at.
So brings spirituality back into your life into your home into your parent child relationship into your marriage, and see how it repairs. You know when you have spirituality, you have a good relationship with a lot. It makes you secure in yourself. It gives you confidence it removes the insecurities.
The parents are not insecure about their children. The children are not so constantly skeptical of the parents. You know paranoid about the parents, marriage, even sibling rivalry. They become secure in themselves through their relationship with Allah. The Prophet of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was told the same point.
You know in suta trc in our last panel in economical mousseline Don't doubt yourself you are most definitely from the messengers.
It gives you that sense of security. So first, spirituality needs to be reestablished, we need to fix our relationship with a lot and family relationships will start to get better. The second thing, a second basic step.
Establishing communication if you have if you don't establish it, as awkward and as difficult as it might be. Initially when you establish communication, it's like pulling teeth
like pulling teeth, but establishing if you have it,
then broaden it.
Then work on it.
Then continue to build on it then maintain it
and open it further.
But communication is very important. And I told you about our last panel without a present certain difficult Parent Child relationships in the Quran.
Allah subhanaw taala also presents beautiful Parent Child relationships in the Koran lokman does what to his son.
He just yells at him
stupid boy. Come here.
You idiot, come here is that what look man says to his son
literally means my small son, which is an Arabic expression for saying, My dear son,
you know when you have a nickname for your child
Come here, buddy.
Let me talk to you sweet.
You know, when you when you speak to your child with love,
he talks to his child. What we hear is Oh, he's advising him. He's not lecturing him. He's not wagging his finger at him.
He's not yelling at him.
He's not scolding him. He's not constantly telling his son how disappointed he is in seventh a conversation with his son.
My dear son,
we see use of alehissalaam he sees a dream. A life altering life changing dream. What does he do with that dream? Go and tell his friends text messages for you. Oh, bro, you won't believe what I just saw.
Updates his Facebook status. So who dream today?
Like my status?
No, what does he do? He goes in he talks to his father.
He says dear father, yeah, buddy. My dear dear father, dad, Daddy, Baba.
Indira ahead. Ashoka speaks to his father communicates to his father.
The Prophet alayhi salaatu wa Salaam, the best husband of all time,
would do what he would communicate with his wives he would communicate with the spouses. You know, I shadow the loved one has says that I never saw anyone doing more council more mature or more Shura than the Prophet of Allah Salafi center. Nobody would consult in anything, not just the Community Affairs, not this religious very, but even the house, the affairs of the home, he talked to us he would communicate to us when the Prophet of Allah salami said madikwe davia when he was frustrated that the Sahaba of the Allahu I no more just dumbfounded where they were just speechless. They wouldn't. He's telling them Come on, guys. You know, oh, you know, shave your head, sacrifice your
animal, you know, open your harem.
And they're not getting up and going because they're just completely dumbfounded.
They're just overwhelmed. They're almost like traumatized by what's happened that we have to go back without doing
the process of does what? Who does he go in and talk? Who does he speak to?
His wife almost salema
his pain speaks to his wife.
about being a prophet about the affairs of Prophet it speaks to his wife communicates he doesn't go in there and throws a fit.
Where's my food? Why is this place always dirty? What's wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?
What's your problem? Why are the kids always making noise? Doesn't take it out on her.
He goes in there and he says, I don't know what to do. What's wrong? They will they're just not moving. It's not that they're not listening or not obeying. When I asked the villa. These are the Sahaba Cyrano de La
Romana wakita Allah Allah.
But they're just dumbfounded. They're just like traumatized.
So she gives him advice and Subhanallah that advice words but communication.
You know, the wives of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam felt so comfortable talking to him openly speaking to him. There's a famous story about Amaro the loved one I know. He says something to his wife and his wife speaks back to him like Ah,
I am about to do that.
Or that's not how that is, or I don't agree with you.
And, you know, from back in the day, the old school mentality of macaque brain, she's like, woman,
that you just speak back to me. She says Yes.
What's wrong with that?
She says, The Prophet of Allah allottee him doesn't mind. What do you mean the prophesy ism doesn't mind. She says your daughter have saw
when the daughter of Eleanor hafsa was one of the wives of the prophets a lot. He said well meaning
sheets beats him openly. He doesn't mind.
This is what you rushes over there. Says girl Have you lost your mind? You speak back to the Prophet of Allah. Somalis. Allah
says no, it's communication. He tells us to speak our minds. He asks us what we think about things he doesn't mind communication, and helps in the parent child relationship as we see an example of locomotion and use of
animals definitely helps in the marriage. So establishing communication, and then bring it back
to how you communicate, like in the parent child relationship, the parent might say I talked to him every day.
But if all you say to your child is clean up your room, yes, you speak to your child every day, clean up your room. Did you do your homework? Why did you fail your test? Why are you so stupid? Right? If you speak here, that's not enough. But how you communicate matters as well. What do you say? How do you speak? lovingly? kindly, you know, when spouses speak to each other, if everything is a sarcastic jab.
So you didn't make food today?
Instead of really odd, that's not a question, by the way.
You know, that's not a question.
Oh, so I guess you're busy today.
That's not a question. That's a slap in the face.
Nothing good comes out communication like that. That's you have to give the benefit of the doubt, you have to be open, you have to be loving, you have to be caring, you have to be considerate.
How you communicate, having credibility. And understand when you start to communicate, you can the problem will not fix itself overnight. You can be like, you know, one day you try to have a nice, you know, conversation, you know what's going on with you, I hope you're doing well. And everything's good. And for now, you have a history of 10 years, 15 years of just bad communication. And you have one nice 20 minute conversation. And the other side is not warming up to you yet. Don't be like see, well, you're obviously wrong. I tried, I was nice. It didn't work. See it doesn't work. My way works, you don't know what you're talking about.
Doesn't change overnight.
The Prophet of Allah, Allah, the symbols, I saw that Butler mean, and many presented the message.
So you have to have some credibility.
Let's have some credibility, you have to establish that credibility, you have to establish trust. And it won't happen overnight.
Spirituality communication, the third area where we can work on to improve these family relationships is like what I mentioned extensively prioritization.
We have to put these family relationships in the right priority. And that is making time for family, whether that is parent child relationship, make time for each other, whether it's a spousal relationship, make time for each other.
Even the sibling rivalry can be solved by spending time together, making time for each other. And just as a clarification
for the father,
who works tirelessly. And that's fine that's respected. But understand out, you might say, I spent eight hours a day at home. Yeah, but you spend those eight hours a day sleeping under your face.
That doesn't count this family time.
You know, I come home, don't I?
Yeah, you come home, you use the bathroom and you go to sleep. That doesn't count that spending time with your spouse.
You have to spend good quality family time together, you have to make time for each other
and push each other as a first priority. And here comes a shocking part. We have to redefine the boundaries of a bother. There is no guilt and spending time with family. Yes, it should not deter you from your basic responsibilities to our last panel. adalah salah is Salah, prayers prayer.
But at the same time, we do have to redefine the boundaries of our ibadah of knuffle extra worship.
You know, having a nice quiet, intimate dinner with your spouse. Having a candlelit dinner with your wife
is a bother.
It's a virtuous deed. Good Deeds reward. Yes. I'm not crazy.
You know, when you wrestle around with your children.
You know, when you play with your kids, my kids are young. So that's you know, horsing around.
When you horse around with your kids, like you play hide and go seek, or my daughter constantly cheats all the time. So when it's my turn to hide in her turn to see she counts like this one, too. Like you're looking at me Maria, um, I can see you looking at me, right playfair you know, how, you know humble I've developed a lot of upper body strength.
You know how it's an exercise that goes like this?
Non Stop. These kids cannot never get tired. I think I think there's a possibility my daughter's could grow up to fly fighter jets and be pilots. They never get tired of being on a swing. My younger one is two years old. She wakes up first thing she does after she wakes up in the morning she goes to the back door because we have a swing set in the backyard. She stands at the back door outside. Let me outside. That's code for outside. She's one word. She doesn't waste a lot of time.
All right, she's very efficient. All right outside normal tone. If that request in her requests is not immediately oblige,
then the second time outside
and third time, it's a straight up to scream outside. Yes. Okay, outside, here we go, let's go this month.
And that's it, but spending quality time with them,
making time for them. And you know what?
Playing hide and go seek with your kids pushing them on the swings is an act of worship.
It's an act of a bother. It's an act of worship. You're the Messenger of Allah, somebody some told the Sahaba the Allahu anhu that
when spouses husband and wife, experience intimacy with each other, I'm going to speak in general terms because we have a broad audience, when a husband and wife when spouses, experience intimacy with each other, enjoy intimacy with each other physical intimacy, the prophet of Allah salatu salam said, they get it's a virtuous Act.
The Sahaba were shocked just as much as you probably are.
Are you serious? Like for real?
And the Prophet of Allah azza wa jal presented very simple logic. If you were to commit the same physical act outside of marriage, would it be a sin? Yes, then it's an act of reward and an act of virtue in marriage. But one of the lessons we learned from that is that engaging in the actual relationship
seeking emotional pleasure in the relationship is an active is a virtuous act.
It's an active reward.
You know, something that's established through research and something that I learned a practical lesson from my own father, as a role model for me
was my dad was very involved with the machine. He was one he was one of the founders of the machine that we all grew up going to and then handling now in his retirement age, he was able to found another machine to a new area we moved to my uncle's my dad's dad, were always involved in this frontline. Mashallah hunger I learned from them.
But you know, one thing though, being on the board of the mercy of being a founder of the masjid being involved in the Dow activity at the masjid, it never got in the way of family, it was never put before family.
There could be a meeting going on in the machine.
And my dad would get a call. And he would excuse us, I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it to the meeting of the machine. If that gets me kicked off the board, or he's never here for the meetings, fine. Kick me off. I guess that's fine.
But every single day, my dad owned his own business, by the way.
How many people here own their own business?
All right. A businessman knows what time does your job and
it never does. A businessman never clocks out. A businessman lives eats and sleeps his business.
But everyday, there was a cut off time for my dad. Five o'clock. Done.
Stores closed, the phone is off. Sorry. You'll pay extra if I come right now.
It's okay, I'll guess I'll see you tomorrow, you're gonna go to somebody else. Then I guess you'll go to somebody else. My Risk is written by a lot.
But I'm not going to give up my I'm not going to sacrifice my family.
Five o'clock every day. Then he came home, sat with us, talk to us, played with us helped us with our homework. And then we dinner together as a family and then when dinner was done that he went for so often reach out to the mother and I went with him.
But that was every single day.
And nothing would get in the way of that not the business.
Not the meeting at the masjid not the DAO activity, nothing.
we have to learn that prioritization. We have to learn that attitude, redefining these boundaries of a Baba and worship and understanding what's important. It's very, very important that we understand what's important.
You know, and one other recommendation I make in terms and the research, the Center for Substance abuse and addiction at Columbia University published a research and Time magazine ran with the story in June 2006. I recommend you go you look it up and you read it. And it talks about how families and homes where they eat one meal together every single day. They eat at least one meal together. Those are happier, healthier homes and families because they spend quality time together.
One of the recommendations that I mentioned in the Quran, pray Salah together, merge family time and spirituality together when you're going to go out to the park. Let's pray go hunt and then head out to the park. We're going to go for ice cream. Let's pray that we'll go out for ice cream merge these things together, create a positive
association with these things. That's how you can do therapy of your children. That's how you can instill the deen within your family within your children. eating meals together, joins and brings the hearts together, expressing and then the
fifth area that we the fourth area that we can work on expressing love and appreciation for each other.
There's no such thing as showing too much love.
discipline has its place. expectations have its place, rules and boundaries of their place. I'm not talking about that. We confuse love with those things.
Have discipline have boundaries, have limitations. have rules. have consequences. Have all of that.
But express love. Tell your children how much you love them. Tell your spouse how much you love them. show appreciation don't just have. Oh, but I do appreciate you do I have to show it?
Do I have to buy you flowers? Yes you do.
Do I have to take you out for a nice meal? Yes.
Do I have to tell you how much I love you do I have to hug and kiss you? Yes.
Very, very important. And I understand that this breaks certain cultural taboos. In certain cultures. It's awkward. It's strange
for a father
to tell these children
I love you.
When they put them to bed at night when they wake up in the morning when they say Salaam Salaam Alaikum. How are you guys doing? Everything's okay. I love you guys.
Right telling your daughter I love you mme I love you Ayesha.
I know that it seems awkward or taboo in certain cultures. But again, I go back to the very first point that I made.
You got to understand where your children are coming from.
And you got to understand human expectations in the parent child relationship in the marital and the spouse relationship, spousal relationship, expressing love and appreciation. And the last and the final point I'll make here, make dua.
Never forget to make law. A law taught us a comprehensive robina habit. And I mean, as Regina was the Ria Tina kurata coolness of the eyes, you know, a coolness of the eyes means it's an ancient Arabic Arabic expression. To understand expression, sometimes you have to look at them, you have to understand them from the perspective of the person who first said them or spoke them from the people who use that expression. You have to understand it from their perspective. You know what it means coolness of the eyes, the ancient Arabs would say this, you guys will actually be able to relate to this. People live in Arizona.
All right. Imagine the summertime being in the middle of the desert. Again, like I said, you really don't have to imagine. All right, it's 120 degrees outside. But imagine you don't have these comfortable buildings and structures. structures. Imagine you don't have air conditioning, and fans. You're out there in the middle of the desert, in the scorching heat of the desert. 120 degrees outside hot wind is blowing. And is blowing the hot burning sand into your dust. How much do you how much even now with air conditioning and everything you have? Sometimes in the summer? how dry do your eyes get? How many? How irritated do your eyes become? How much do they itch, right? But
imagine being out there in the desert without all this luxury, and experiencing that.
And your eyes feel like they're on fire. Your eyes feel like you just want to strip them out. You want to scratch them until they're gone.
And then you come across some cool clean water.
And you take that cool clean water and you splash it into your eyes and on your face. How refreshing, how invigorating how amazing does it feel?
We're saying Oh Allah, when I look at my spouse, when I look at my wife, when a wife makes his wife, she's single when I look at my husband, when I look at my children, when I look at my family, all I make it feel like I just splashed cool, clean water into my eyes in my face, refresh me.
And then with Sakina mama and make all of us for them with the theme makers, emails and leaders of the most pious and righteous make us a role model family for generations to come.
So in connection with this, you know these these are just like I said initially, these are some topics. These are some concerns. This is an issue that's been on my mind for a very long time. And as you see from the context of the Koran, and the Sierra and the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasallam This is a very core concept of our religion, our faith, and this is a basic human need and concern.
And so hamdulillah This is just a short conversation I wanted to share, but this is part of a larger project that I'm embarking on through Calum Institute, that we're going to actually have a program across
Traveling course called happiness in the home, where we'll actually be traveling around the country to different communities, having a full seminar talking about some of these concerns and implementing more practical solutions. So we can better the condition in the situation of families throughout our communities in Sharla. So this is just these were just some thoughts, some things that I wanted to share with the community here today. And again, I want to thank you for being patient and listening and being attentive and I hope and I pray that this was a source of benefit for everyone does not come along here.
Again, may a lot of people accept from all of us and give us the ability to practice everything. We shouldn't hurt somebody.