Before You Say I Do – EP18 – PT 2

Yassir Fazaga


Channel: Yassir Fazaga


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be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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And welcome back to our program. And thank you for joining us. We just finished talking about some of the mistakes that we ought not to do, as we are about to consider a person not asking too many questions, giving into lost giving into material seduction, or making premature compromises, these are all things that are not acceptable. And where we are at this point is that we have found the person that seems to be right, but before we go on with that, there are other things that we need to consider. And these things we like to call compatibility time bombs, what's a time bomb, it's a bomb that What does not explode immediately. But it's a bomb that will explode when sometime in the

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future. So we call it compatibility time on meaning that, at this point, we seem to be compatible, but there are time bombs that we better pay attention to because in the future, they may explode. And these are usually problems they present emerged over time, or their present emerges over time. And not immediately. It's not a problem right now. But we can see it taking place in the future.

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And what happens is this, if you recognize a potential problem, and we will be talking about some of them, it does not mean that you are doomed, it just means that you need to pay more attention to this before you move on. So compatibility time bombs is what we will be talking about. The first compatibility time bomb is age or significant age difference, it may not be a problem right now, over time, though, it might be a problem. So remember, what we said was a compatibility timeout. It just means that you know what to pay attention to this does not mean that it's over. But it will be good to look into it. What happens is that, and I've seen these cases, the girl was in fact waited

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by this man. She is 20. And he was 52. Okay, and she chose to marry him. We say, okay, Mashallah, if that is the case, but what happens is that five years later, she is 25. And he is 57. And I remember when I came over the weekends, he just wants to sit at home and relax. Because he's got an old at this point, he does not want to go out, he does not want to visit friends. He's too tired of receiving people coming over to the house, he just wants to relax. He just wants to catch his breath. But she's only 25. So she wants to go out. She wants people to come over, they want to go and visit other family members. And he does not want to do this. Sometimes people who get a little

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older, they become a little bit more impatient. The older we are, the less flexible we become. And what happens is that when you have got this significant age difference of 30 years, where the person is 52, and the girl is only 20. In five years, he's 57 on ci is 20. Or even let's say that in eight years, he is 60. And she is only 28. And not only this, but it may be that the case that these older person regardless for the older person is instead of being the husband or the wife, they may start acting like a parent to the other individual. We do not want to marry parents, what do we want to marry and marry a husband or a wife. That's why we got into this. But we may end up ending with a

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parent rather than ending up with a husband. Not only this, but we may be tempted to compromise or sacrifice our friends and activities to appear more compatible than we really are. And this is what we spoke about earlier, significant age difference, that can be a potential problem. And that's why I'm not saying that it is a problem. We're saying that it is a potential problem. And I know that in some cultures, that may not be a huge issue. In other cultures, it may be a big deal. In some cultures for example, you know, some people prefer that the man is only five years older than a woman five to seven years older than the woman. other cultures may allow up to 10 to 15 years. Some

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cultures do not mind that the woman is older than the man. Some cultures don't mind that the woman is significantly older than the man that is fine. This is an area of personal preference, if that's how you want there is nothing wrong with this. What happens is that you need to pay attention to this simply because it can become and it is a potential time bomb. In the west especially people need to pay attention

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To give an example, it is illegal, for example, in the US, for any girl under the age of 16, to get married, or 16 would be the minimum age for marriage. But it would have to come with the parental consent. And the ruling of a judge, if she's 18, over there is really no need for any of that. But between 16 and 18, you'd have to have a parental consent, meaning that one of the parents needs to be there, and also a ruling of a judge. And I remember a family that moved into our area, our neighborhood of the masjid. And they had a daughter who was 14, and was about to become 15. And they came and they said, We want to get her married in the masjid. And I said, that is illegal. You

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cannot do this. And they insisted, and of course, the masjid cannot participate in illegal activities. Now, I know that it may be hard. But remember that also when you are and I think people in the West would understand this more. And that is, you have got to be careful that as a minister, you do not participate in activities that are deemed illegal by the state. And the boy that they want her to marry was 21 years of age. So they said can you please perform the niqab for this family and I said, I can't, as the amount of the masjid knowing that this is illegal. And as a counselor, I cannot participate in this, wait until she is 16 go and apply to the judge. And the court will give

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the order where they can get married. What happens is that in the US if they are caught, and now that they're married, of course, they can become intimate with what happens is that if they are caught, the man can be guilty of rape,

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romance or whether it was consensual or not, no matter whether the parents on both sides knew about it or not, it is considered to be rape. In fact, we have had, there was an immigrant family that just migrated from the US, I think they were either from Bosnia or from Iraq, I don't remember where it was. But that's what they did was their daughter. And what ended up happening is that the court took away all their children, the other children, and they have jailed the husband on the basis that he was guilty of rape. And they've also jailed the father because he participated in these types of activities. So besides the fact that it is a time bomb, also, in some places, there are legal

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consequences regarding this issue. So for the people who are in the West, or in any other place, we want to see where does the law stand as far as this is concerned, but significant age difference might be a problem. And sometimes it's also not fair, especially for the group. Yesterday, we spoke about the men who come to certain parts of the world, certain parts of India, I think, is the article that I told you about where a man is in his 60s, and he's looking for a 15 year old girl. And they would actually Marry that girl for a short period of time, and then they would end up divorcing her. And then they would end up you know, going back to their countries, it is not fair.

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And it is not just to the young girl, knowing fully well, that this man and this marriage is not going to survive, especially with the significant age difference that is taking place, then that would just be unjustly done to the daughter. So this is a time bomb that we need to pay attention to. Another one is different religious background. As you know, Islam does allow for a Muslim man to marry a woman who happens to be of the People of the Book. She is either Jewish, or she is Christian, a Muslim man may marry that woman.

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And Islam does not necessarily look down upon such kind of a marriage. However, we understand that when Islam does speak about this point, it is done for the sake of what Islam says that you may eat the food of the People of the Book, why would Islamic point of this because food is a good way of breaking the ice with people. It gives people the opportunity to ask questions. It gives people the opportunity to learn more about Islam. When we sit together when we eat together when we eat your food when we accept your invitation. It means that you know we are creating a common ground amongst people and Islam is for the interaction that takes place amongst people, especially if they happen

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to be from a different religious background. Islam does allow for this. Similarly speaking also, Islam does allow for these social values to be practiced with the people of the book. So it is said Surah tilma ada, Allah Subhana Allah speaks about the permissibility for a Muslim man to marry of the People of the Book and that is fine

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However, that happens a lot in the West, it is very common. And some people they marry with the hope that their spouse is going to convert or revert and become a Muslim, which happens most of the time Alhamdulillah. But in some cases, this does not happen. And when it does not happen, it really is a big, huge problem. Let me give you an example. Why do I say that these ideas are these issues to not necessarily emerge immediately, but rather, they emerge over time. Generally speaking, in the West, people suddenly, Drosophila I can only speak of the US, you know, people grow up in not necessarily a religious household, they grow up knowing that they are Christians, and that's really the end of

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it. Sometimes their parents may take them to church. And as they grow older, their attachment to the church is lesson through time. So you come and you propose to this woman, and she said, You know, I grew up as a Christian, but I really don't know much about it. And you know, what, I was not brought up in a religious household, certainly religion is really not a big deal. So people make the arrangement. If that happens, we will get married in the masjid in a mosque, we will have an Islamic wedding. And then when we have children, our children are going to be brought up as Muslims, you agree? Of course, I agree, everything is fine. But then something happens. she delivers that baby,

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and what does she want to do? After a week, she wants the child baptized,

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and say, but wait a minute, we just made the agreement. And you said that we're going to have our children grow up as Muslims, and now you want them baptized. We Muslims don't believe in the concept of the original sin. And even if we believed in it, that's not how you rid yourself of it. And a big huge argument breaks. And now she is the mother. And legally she is entitled to the same rights that you are entitled to. And now you cannot stop that. So the child is baptized. And maybe you know what people have experienced what we call the spiritual awakening. Maybe after she had the baby now she decided that you know what, I need to pray to God more.

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I want the good upbringing of my child, I want my baby to grow up knowing Jesus, I want my baby to grow up going to church, I want my baby growing up going to the temple, I want my baby growing up being Jewish or being Christian people can have and they can experience this spiritual awakening. So what do you do to this? And now that becomes a big huge deal. I have seen cases of a person. And I know this person, personally. And unfortunately, His story is a sad story. He's been married to the same woman for 25 years, had five children was that woman, his wife, I'm not sure if she became a Muslim or not. But his children were growing up Muslim. After 25 years, the wife said, You know

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what, I am just tired of this. This Islam thing is too much on me. And you know what? I want to reintroduce Christianity to my children as well, after 25 years of marriage, sometimes these problems come up as a result of people having babies. And sometimes these problems come up before even the babies are there. And that is all the time that we have for today. We're glad that you have joined us. We look forward to your comments, questions or queries about this program. And please do email us at us at faza at peace until we meet next time, we say so long and Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.