Before You Say I Do – EP15 – PT 2

To

be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

And welcome back to before you say I do, and we are discussing, let's assume that you do find the potential a right person, what are some of the things that you should and should not do? And we're talking about the mistakes that people do once they found a person, potentially be a good spouse. And we said that the first mistake that people do is that people do not ask enough questions. We said that you must ask enough questions. Why do we avoid asking enough questions, simply because we do not feel that it is romantic? When I say questions, I'm talking about important questions. Or sometimes, we do not want to know the answer simply because we have built a fantasy for ourselves,

or sometimes, because we don't want to be asked the same questions to ourselves. And our audience here have been very generous with giving us ideas as to what kind of questions do we need to ask, you must ask questions. Why do we need to ask questions simply because the more information we have about a person, the better we will be able to judge whether or not this person will make a good spouse, the less information we have about them, the more likely we are to get hurt, angry, disappointed or heart broken. So the point is to do what to avoid putting yourself in any of the four last things hurt, disappointed, angry, or heartbroken. And the way to avoid this is by asking

important questions. And I think that you have suggested good questions as we were talking, but here is a list of general topics that you must visit with the person. Now we want to ask about their family background and quality of family relationships. What is it so important that people? Why do we need to know about this? So what if the person says my parents were divorced?

Doesn't say, necessarily much, but we want to know, what was it like in their upbringing? What kind of a family environment? Did they grow up? In? What kind of whether it was healthy or not healthy? What type of a household did they grow up in? How did the men treat the women? How did the women treat the men? So as they're talking? You know, it's not only what they say, it is also how they say it. And more important than asking the question is worth listening to the answer. See, sadly, we are not very good listeners, people. Generally speaking, we are not good listeners. Sometimes we're not good listeners, because we're just doing all the talking all the time.

You know, one of the characteristics of the believers in the Quran is what they're good listeners, Allah Subhana, Allah describes them as a fair share a bad and laziness them your own alcohol will affect your own action. So give the glad tidings to my servers. They are those who hear what is said, or they listen to that which is said, and then they follow the best of what they have heard. What do people in the Hellfire regret most, that they did not listen? That they did not listen. And they say, we'll call you lacuna smart Oh, nappy, lahmacun nafi, US harvest sorry. And they said, had we been a good listeners, or we have been endowed with intellect, we would not be in the blazing

fire. So you must be a good listener. It's not enough that you just ask the question. You must also be able to see how does the person say the answer? What is the facial expression as they are saying the answer? Remember, I am about to commit to this person for the rest of my life. It's not enough that I just hear what she is saying. I must also listen to what is being said, and how it is being set. So I want to know about the family background. I want to know about past relationships, if there were any, and the reasons why that these relationships did not work out. I want to know about their ethics, about their morals, I want to know about their values. I know No. I want to know about

their attitude about love and commitment. I want to know about their spiritual and religious philosophies, which is something that was suggested earlier, I want to know about their personal and professional goals. Now, this does not necessarily tell you everything about the person, but it creates a good ground for you to be able to make the decision do I want to go on or do I not want to go on was this kind of basic information about the person? Now there is one that is very similar to this and I believe it is going to be the second mistake. We either do not ask enough questions or many times we ignore

Warning Signs of potential problems. Remember what we said few episodes ago, that every time we are revealing something about ourselves all the time, in our reaction of how we talk how we feel about that, which was said to us, we are constantly making a statement about ourselves if people are paying attention. So what happens is that sometimes we hear things that people are telling us, and we ignore these potential problems. Why do we ignore these potential problems? Let me give you an example. And this is the last segment that is down there, brother at a restaurant. So this guy is interested in this sister, and they decided, with her and her brother, they were going to take him

out and have breakfast together at a restaurant. So the brother who's interested in the girl, along with the sister whom he is interested in her and her brother, they went out to have breakfast together as a chance to get to know these people better. And here's what she said. She said, we go there, and I'm observing this person. So every time a woman passed by, he made sure that he looked at her all the way until she can no longer be seen is that when you say that this is a potential warning sign right there. Every time a woman passes by, he would make sure. And because this has been a habit ingrained in the person for so long, he forgot that he is here sitting with these

people that are observing him, and he was just acting his habit out again. Is this a warning sign? Or? Yes, it is? Would it be smart on her part to ignore this potential warning sign? Oh, no. Oh, no. So as people are talking to us, you have got to remember this. And that is why when people come to counseling, there is this phrase, that I just cannot tell you how many times I have heard, you have changed. You used to be different? No, the person was always like that. You just didn't see it.

The person was always like that. You just did not see it. The person was always angry, you just did not see you are too blinded by love. The person has always been a pessimist. You just did not see, the person is a has always been a terrible listener, a terrible communicator, you were just too blinded by love, you did not see it. So when people say this, I say, well, they must have displayed some warning signs initially. So what warning signs Did you ignore? Or what potential warning signs Did you ignore? Okay, so what are some of these warning signs? Remember the questions that we asked to that person? While they avoid discussing their past? They don't say anything about their past?

Well, why are they not saying anything about their past? Why are they avoiding talking about their families? Why do they avoid talking about their schooling? Why do they give you an example, this guy gets married to a girl, believe me, this is a story that I know of personally. And he tells the family of the girl that he is a medical doctor.

And they come to the US after they get married, to only find out that the guy is not a doctor. He's not a doctor, Assistant. He is not a nurse. He is not a nurse assistant. He is the assistant of the nurse assistant. But yet he came there and he said that he was a doctor. Now, why don't people ask, you know, how do you qualify something like this? Do you call around? And you asked so what does such and such person do? And people will tell you what they do. I know another family. The guy goes there. And he tells the family that he is a pilot, pilot that's really exciting. You get free tickets. You go all over the world with me. I am a pilot, only to find out that the guy was a clerk.

Now had he said that he's a clerk. There is nothing wrong with being a clerk. There is nothing wrong with being an assistant for the assistant of the nurse. There is nothing wrong with that. That's all the time that we have for this part of our program. Very grateful that you have joined us and as always, we look forward to your comments and your questions and to your remarks are you may do so at Yasser faza at peace tv.org until we meet next inshallah we say so long and Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.