Before You Say I Do – EP15 – PT 1

To stay and always be seen as man in life, fulfilling the deen From this day on forever beach

Villa shavon rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah All praise is due to Allah and His peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting our brothers and sisters here as well as our viewers saying a salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

Last time, we discussed the 10 kind of people that we ought to avoid, and we will not go into this. And now we will go into Well, let's assume that we did find the person that we want to be with what happens from there, and I know that we have not spoken about the qualities that we ought to be looking for. But let's say potentially, I do find a person that seems to be nice, that seems to be compatible. And now, what happens from there, one thing is let us concentrate on where we might potentially go wrong. So we say, Do not make the following mistakes, now that you found a person potentially they may make good spouse, avoid making the following mistakes. Mistake number one,

people do not ask enough questions, you must ask enough questions. And that brings us to the question of how do I get to know that person? People you must communicate with that person, you must talk to that person, remember, this is a big huge time commitment. Then people say well, what are the parameters? What is halal? What is haram? What are my boundaries? What do I do? Remember this, number one, once a person proposes vi to you directly, be it to your family, you must bring an immediate ethical value to the relationship, that you make it a family issue. You know, one thing about Islam, especially in the Muslim culture, is that we are not asked to just behave in a very

individualistic way, but rather we belong to a family. And now we are about to bring you know, another person into our family, and the capacity of a brother in law or a son in law or what have you. So, we must consult our families and we must let them know that this is what is taking place, keeping in mind that eventually and ultimately, it is us who is going to make that final decision. So what happens is that you bring in an ethical value to the relationship by making it a family issue. Once that is done, you know, it becomes easier to talk to the person you're not afraid of. And the person is not afraid of calling your family saying that I would like to talk to this person

because I am about to get to know them better. They do this in the presence of your parents, they do this in the presence of your brothers, they do this in the presence of your sisters. Sadly, sometimes what you see is that people sneak in behind their parents back to talk to a person that is considering them genuinely for marriage, you see people taking their cell phones and going to the bathroom to talk to them, people taking their cell phones and going to bed and covering themselves to the blanket and with the pillow to talk to them. So that the sound does not go out. Why do you have to put people through this, if that person has approached the family and they have made it no

one they have made their intentions known, they have visited they have met and I just want to know this person more here I am making my intentions clear. So I say you must get to know that person, be it you talk to them be it they visit with you visit over the point is that you must talk to them, what are the boundaries especially when you are talking to them over the phone? Please remember the following three rules as you are doing this. Number one,

always assume that there is a third party listening to this conversation, be it on the phone or be when you are there. Would you say the things that you are saying right now? And if the answer is no, then what you are saying is not proper.

If a third party was present, would you say what you are saying right now? And if you would not say saying it then that what you are saying is not proper. Remember the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam sin is that which picks into your heart and you are afraid that it gets exposed to people so you become your own policeman. Number two, do not make it a habit. Okay, do not become addicted to it. Sometimes people think that they are in love and they just must hear the person's voice. And if they're not listening to the person's voice, what happens to them, they're depressed for the entire day. So do not make it a habit. And point number three, the sun goes down, the phone

goes down because your hormones go

At night, and we will end up saying things that they ought not to be saying. However, by the end of the day, you must get to know the person. And the best way to get to know the person is to do what

is to ask questions, you must ask questions, you must be able to make an observation of the person in a social setting, you must ask questions, they remember the example of the tomatoes and the example of the dress and the example of the car that we spoke about. People ask more questions about the car that they're going to buy than the questions that they asked that they are about to marry. So you must ask questions, or ask lots and lots of questions. But why don't people ask questions? Here you are, you just met the person and people have no questions to ask. Why is that? Two reasons. Number one, some people feel that it is not romantic to ask questions. So what you do is that they

keep talking about you know, they keep talking about safe subjects such as you know, school, how they like your school, my school is fine. What are you studying studying this, but they didn't they do not ask questions that are very important. Why is this?

Because it's not romantic. What is romantic? In the States, people do what? You talk on the person, you know, to the person on the phone, and then what happens when you are about to be done with the phone? What do they do? Okay, salaam Aleykum, Selam Aleykum? And then what do people say? Okay, inshallah, hang up. No, no, no, you hang up. No, you hang up. People think that this is romantic. They think that this is cute. It is childish. And when you do not ask important questions, it may not be romantic, but it is intelligent. It is the right thing to do. I've known people who have gotten married, they've never met the person that they were about to marry. They've never spoken to

the person that they were about to marry. And they've never had a conversation with the person that they were about to marry. You just saw them if you had the chance to see them. And that was it. This guy goes to propose to a girl whom he has heard good things about. So he goes, and he meets with her father. And then he asked the father, may I please see your daughter? And he said, What do you need to see about her? I told you everything about my daughter. You make up your mind right now if you want to marry her or not. I think that's silly. How can you do this, even in the Hadees that we quoted earlier, the prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam advised jabber robiola haram to go and see

the woman? See what it is that you're getting yourself into? See what it is that you as a woman getting yourself into was? What kind of a man are you getting yourself into? And somehow, and we spoke about this earlier on in previous episodes, when some people think that you know, oh, it is not religious to make such a big deal of the appearance of the person? What in the world are you talking about? This is the person that you will spend the rest of your life with. And you don't even know what they look like, you must ask questions, people, you must ask questions. And sometimes we don't like to ask questions, because we don't want to know the answer. Sometimes it's just we create

our own fantasy. And what happens is that I like the fantasy that is of my creation. And because I like the fantasy of my creation, I don't want anybody to spoil it up for me. So what do you do? You don't ask questions. I like what I have created. And as such, I'm going to ignore anything. And sometimes we don't like to ask questions, because we don't want to be asked. So I asked a question. And then what if that person answers me? And then they say, what about you?

And I don't have good answers for them. So what is the safe way to do it? I don't ask you. You don't ask me. And that's fair. Right? That is just silly. And that is childish. What do you ask about? What do you suggest that you hear you? Are you just met a person? Let's assume that there is a person here and we are about to consider them for married? What would you want to know about this person?

You fill out an answer. What do you want to know about the person? Their name?

What do you want to know about them? profession? hobbies, strengths, weaknesses, interests? family background,

his past religious background, if you are really sitting here by choice or by force, okay. attitude, temperament. Are you angry? No, I am not.

What else? Okay, try to look in for compatibility. similarities, what you said you think we have enough information to make a lifetime commitment to this person? Why don't we know what to ask for? Maybe it's the myth that we believe earlier. When I see her

I don't know if she's the right person for me or not.

Or when I see him, I will determine right then and then whether they are the right person for me, what do you want to ask people?

will ask the person sitting out there about their day to day life, like inquire about even the details like such as, for example, like, how does he deal with the people out there at his workplace, with his staff? Or for that matter? How does he do something for Islam? Does he go to the other side and do something for his religion? Like, besides his normal daily work, and will inquire for many other minute details, will be asking that?

Do I have enough information people about this person? I'm telling you, everybody gets an opportunity to ask a question. Do we have enough information on the basis of the answers that you have given named

aim? Try to given situations and like how he would react to the situation. Okay, so you are in traffic and traffic is really bad. What are you going to do? Okay, somebody just hit your car, what are you going to do to them? The dog ate your homework, what are you going to do?

Okay, something what he would like to see in a wife

in his future wife, what qualities you want we would like to see in his future wife, which would help out to have a good relation. Okay. What do you want to know? All the ladies are doing the talking? What do you say? Her definition of happiness? Okay, philosopher, the definition of happiness. What else? What does marriage mean to the other person? What does marriage mean to the other person? That's it, huh?

What's her idea of Dean?

Okay, well, is he going to jail me after marriage or even our freedom? Okay, is he going to jail me after marriage?

Okay, why he wants to marry? Why do you want to marry?

Okay, what is his likes and dislikes? And what is the hated thing that, you know, what is the thing that he hates the most? Okay, what does he like and doesn't like what is the goals and aims in life? aims of his life? Okay. Have you attended the workshops? Yes, we are, sir.

Have you attended this workshop? Okay. How far do you believe on working on relationship together? Okay. Do we have enough information about that person? Let me ask you this. Is this information available to somebody whom he is not married to? Will his coworkers know this information? Of course they would. His co workers would know what does he like? And what is he does not like? So what more Are you getting to know that others don't already know? Or they have already observed? What do we asked about people? Who are his friends? Okay. What do people usually ask? What's your favorite song? What's your favorite movie? Who's your favorite movie star? Isn't that what people talk about?

And then what happens if you agree on a movie star? Oh my god, I liked him so much though.

Allah is sending me a sign we like the same movie star. I just found out about minus a Bitcoin right? And we jump in. But that is the kind of stuff that people usually like to talk about. Right.

Okay, so let's see. What do we suggest that people ask for? Oh, we actually cannot do that. We will have to take a short break. And then we will be back as to what are the questions that we asked for. So please do stay tuned with us always be seen as many