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Before You Say I Do – EP16 – PT 1

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Yassir Fazaga

Channel: Yassir Fazaga

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Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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As you work together

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Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling their Deen from this four

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minute shaytani r rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu wa salam ala rasulillah All praises to to Allah. I made his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting our brothers and sisters here, as well as our viewers saying, assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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Last time, we discussed the 10 kind of people that we ought to avoid, and we will not go into this. And now we will go into Well, let's assume that we did find the person that we want to be with what happens from there. And I know that we have not spoken about the qualities that we ought to be looking for. But let's say potentially, I do find a person that seems to be nice, that seems to be compatible. And now what happens from there? One thing is, let us concentrate on where we might potentially go wrong. So we say, Do not make the following mistakes. Now that you found the person potentially, they may make good spouse, avoid making the following mistakes. People do not ask

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enough questions, you must ask enough questions. What do you ask about? What do you suggest that you hear you? Are you just met a person? Let's assume that there is a person here and we are about to consider information? What would you want to know about this person?

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You fill out an answer what do you want to know about the person? Their name?

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What do you want to know about them? profession? hobbies, strengths, weaknesses, interests? family background?

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his past religious background, if you are really sitting here by choice or by force, okay. attitude, temperament? Are you angry? No, I am not.

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What else? Okay, try to look in for compatibility. similarities, what you said, You think we have enough information to make a lifetime commitment to this person? Why don't we know what to ask for? Maybe it's the miss that we believe earlier. When I see her, I'll know if she is the right person for me or not.

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Or when I see him, I will determine right then and then whether they are the right person for me, what do you want to ask people

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will ask the person sitting out there about their day to day life? Like inquire about even the details like such as, for example? Like, how does he deal with the people out there at his workplace, with his staff? Or for that matter? How does he do something for Islam? Does he go to the other side and do something for his religion? Like besides his normal daily work, and will inquire for many other minute details, will be asking that?

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Do I have enough information people about this person? I'm telling you, everybody gets an opportunity to ask a question. Do we have enough information on the basis of the answers that you have given named her aim? Try to given situations and like how he would react to the situation. Okay, so you are in traffic and traffic is really bad. What are you going to do? Okay, somebody just hit your car, what are you going to do to them? The dog ate your homework, what are you going to do?

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Okay, something what he would like to see in a wife

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in his future wife, what qualities he would like to see in his future wife, which would help out to have a good relation. Okay. What do you want to know? All the ladies are doing the talking? What do you say? Her definition of happiness. Okay, philosopher, the definition of happiness. What else? What does marriage mean to the other person? What does marriage mean to the other person? That's it. Huh?

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What's our idea of Dean

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okay. Hmm, easygoing going to jail me after marriage or even our own freedom. Okay, is he going to jail me after marriage?

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Okay, why he wants to marry? Why do you want to marry?

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Okay. What is his likes and dislikes and what is the hated thing that you know, what is the thing that he hates the most? Okay, what does he like and doesn't like what is the goals and aims in life aims of his life.

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Have you attended workshops? Yes, yes, sir.

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Have you attended this workshop? Okay, you must ask questions. Why do we need to ask questions simply because the more information we have about a person, the better we will be able to judge whether or not this person will make a good spouse, the less information we have about them, the more likely we are to get hurt, angry, disappointed or heart broken. So the point is to do what to avoid putting yourself in any of the four last things hurt, disappointed, angry, or heartbroken. And the way to avoid this is by asking important questions. And I think that you have suggested good questions as we were talking, but here is a list of general topics that you must visit with the

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person. Now we want to ask about their family background, and quality of family relationships. What is it so important that people? Why do we need to know about this? So what if the person says my parents for divorce? Doesn't say necessarily much, but we want to know, what was it like in their upbringing? What kind of a family environment? Did they grow up? In? What kind of whether it was healthy or not healthy? What type of a household did they grow up in? How did the men treat the women? How did the women treat the men? So as they're talking? You know, it's not only what they say, it is also how they say it. And more important than asking the question is worth listening to

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the answer. See, sadly, we are not very good listeners, people. Generally speaking, we are not good listeners. Sometimes we're not good listeners, because we're just doing all the talking all the time.

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You know, one of the characteristics of the believers in the Quran is what? They're good listeners, Allah Subhana, Allah describes him as a fiduciary bad and laziness them your own alcohol affair of your own. So give the glad tidings to my servers. They are those who hear what is said, or they listen to that which is said, and then they follow the best of what they have heard. What do people in the Hellfire regret most? That they did not listen? That they did not listen. And they say, What are you local Nana's tomorrow Napa lahmacun fiaz harvest sorry. And they said, had we been a good listeners, or we had been endowed with intellect, we would not be in the blazing fire. So you must

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be a good listener. It's not enough that you just ask the question, you must also be able to see how does the person say the answer? What is the facial expression as they are saying the answer? Remember, I am about to commit to this person for the rest of my life. It's not enough that I just hear what she is saying. I must also listen to what is being said, and how it is being said. So I want to know about the family background. I want to know about past relationships, if there were any, and the reasons why that these relationships did not work out. I want to know about their ethics, about their morals, I want to know about their values. I know No, I want to know about their

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attitude about love and commitment. I want to know about their spiritual and religious philosophies, which is something that was suggested earlier, I want to know about their personal and professional goals. Now, this does not necessarily tell you everything about the person, but it creates a good ground for you to be able to make the decision do I want to go on? Or do I not want to go on was this kind of basic information about the person? Now there is one that is very similar to this, and I believe it is going to be the second mistake. We either do not ask enough questions. Or many times, we ignore warning signs of potential problems. Remember what we said few episodes ago, that

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every time we are revealing something about ourselves all the time, in our reaction of how we talk how we feel about that which was said to us, we are constantly making a statement about ourselves if people are paying attention. So what happens is that sometimes we hear things that people are telling us and we ignore these potential problems. Why do we ignore these potential problems? Let me give you an example. And this is the last segment that is down there. Brother at a restaurant. So this guy is interested in this sister, and they decided with her and her brother. We're going to take him out and have breakfast together at a restaurant. So the brother who's interested in the

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girl, along with the sister whom he is interested in her and her brother, they went out

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To have breakfast together as a chance to get to know these people better. And here's what she said. She said, we go there, and I'm observing this person. So every time a woman passed by, he made sure that he looked at her all the way until she can no longer be seen is that would you say that this is a potential warning sign right there. Every time a woman passes by, he would make sure and because this has been habit ingrained in the person for so long, he forgot that he is here sitting with these people that are observing him, and he was just acting his habit out again. Is this a warning sign? Or Yes, it is. Would it be smart on her part to ignore this potential warning sign? Oh, no. Oh

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no. So as people are talking to us, you have got to remember this. And that is why when people come to counseling, there is this phrase, that I just cannot tell you how many times I have heard, you have changed. You used to be different? No, the person was always like that. You just didn't see it.

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The person was always like that. You just did not see it. The person was always angry, you just did not see it. You are too blinded by love. The person has always been a pessimist. You just did not see the person is a has always been a terrible listener, a terrible communicator. You were just too blinded by love you did not see it. So when people say this, I say well, they must have displayed some warning signs. Initially, we will have to take a short break and then we will be back as to what are the warning signs. So please do stay tuned with us.