Before You Say I Do – EP10 – PT 2

be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato, who made the Peace and blessings in the mercy of Allah be upon all of you. And thank you for joining us again, we are talking about how people are in a bad relationship. And we said that the reason may be is that the initial reasons why we got into the relationship, we're not good reasons, we spoke about three of them, we said pressure might be one, with pressure, either due to our age, family or circumstances, it could be because we are feeling very lonely and desperate. And a way of getting out of that loneliness and desperation is by finding somebody to share our lives with. But sometimes we are so

lonely and desperate, and we are just so eager and desperate for a relationship that we end up compromising our principles. And that is not acceptable. Or what we're talking about here is sexual hunger. And we said that about this issue of sex is that we are bombarded with these sentiments, sexual sentiments all the time, many times you open your email, and something in your junk mail comes in. And it's from an adult website. And we live at a time where sex is such all over the place, we reject these notions, but we are unable to escape the fact that they are there. And because they are there, and they are around us all the time, we are invited to be part of this

sexual culture that we are in. And as such, sometimes we may end up compromising major issues, part of our principles that thinks that we wanted in our partner, because we are feeling so sexually hungry at this point. And we said that, even though sex is part of why we want to get married, but it cannot be the only reason why we get married. It is not the fact that we want to have sex, it is when we go into marriage only to have sex, then that is not good. That is not good. person may be sexually appealing now, but people age people get older. And by the way, that is why if you remember in the I What does Allah Subhana Allah say, what is Allah placed between spouses? Which alibi Know

what? Now what there is what we said? Love and then what Rama is what? Why? Why mercy? Why didn't he say, love and passion? Why does it say love and compatibility? Why does Allah Subhana Allah choose mercy? Why mercy? You know, as we get older, you know what, we lose our charm. As we get older, we may not be as physically appealing as we were younger. But then what happens is that what there's got to be to keep us together.

There's got to be Ronna to keep us together. They say that when we are young, and we get married, what happens? We want each other. And as we get older, what happens? We need each other.

You see how that transforms. When we are young, and we get married? We want each other. But then as we're getting older, we need each other. And because now we need each other one has to be there. There's got to be

there's got to be that mercy, that compassion, that kindness out there in our relationship. At any case, yes, one of the reasons that we will be talking about is that you must be physically and sexually attracted to that person. And that is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said make sure that you see for

them abena Kumar, he said that this is more befitting that you know what this relationship lasts between you two, and they said that Jabara Allah wanted to see that woman so he climbed over a tree, and he waited for her to pass by to see what she looked like. So yes, it is right, that we want to be attracted to the person. But that cannot be the only reason why we do so. And sometimes we do the exact opposite. What happens is that sometimes you say, I have heard about this man, I have heard about a man, his image is excellent. He is such a good brother, or she is just a tough, good religious sister. That's all that matters to me. Let's get married. But brother, you should see. You

should see what she looks like and sister You should see what they look like. And what did they say? No. Dean is what matters. That's what Islam commanded off. And I want the dean and that's, you know, what happens with these people? I mean, I like I said, as nice and as noble as their erroneous sentiment is, but the reality is, they are only setting themselves up for disappointment. Then is

you know, they had this the process alum said that people metaphor for things they may reform

wealth they marry for looks they marry for status. And they may refer Dean, you know, I said that make sure that you choose the deed. But some people think that because you choose the dean, you have to compromise and sacrifice everything else. No,

that's not what it says it said make sure that that becomes your first criterion. And it will be so beautiful to have that criterion and all other criteria has to be there as well. So, it seems like we are either on this extreme, where we only look into the physical aspects of the person or we become such denial that we do not want to consider everything that is physical, and we say DNA is what is most important, and that is all I want. And both compromises are not acceptable, you are to be sexually attracted to the person physically attracted to them, but that cannot be the only reason why you are marrying them. You know, in biology, we are told, You know how sometimes you see a

person and you are immediately struck, who's their beauty, what happens when you see that person tomorrow,

and the day after, and the day after. And the day after, and the day after what happens?

It starts fading away. You know why? Because initially, when we saw them, we never had a file for them in our brain. So it took some time for us to be struck with their beauty. But then the next day, what happens is that a file has already been created. So our brain does not go through the process of creating a new file, it just recall the file that is already there. Now. So that is how the excitement goes away. It is such a big problem brothers and sisters, if somebody falls in love with the outer beauty of the person, or not the inner beauty of the person, that is a recipe for disaster,

if a person falls in love with only the outer beauty of the person, and not the inner beauty of the person, then that is not good. You must fall in love with the inner beauty of the person because that remains tomorrow, our faces change. Tomorrow, we get wrinkled, we may go bald, we may in our hair is turning gray, but what remains is the inner beauty of the individual. So as we look in, that's what we want to see be us be attracted to the appearance of the individual, but you must also be in love most important with the inner beauty of that individual. And with this inshallah, we will open the floor for questions or comments and shuffle.

Brother, you said about having a file picture in the mind? How about the file picture of your spouse with respect to everything of excitement, you know, like, because you have a final picture of your spouse in your mind. And you said that the next time you see you're not you know, so astounded or you are not struck by their appearance, right. So, does that effect, you know, what happens is when you choose a spouse, yes, you were initially attracted to them because of their physical appearance, but you did not stop there, the attraction did not stop there, you fell in love with their inner beauty. And because the inner beauty is not a physical thing that you see, the love with it is

continuous. And usually it grows by the passage of time now, and then you discover something nice about your spouse within their inner beauty. So what they look like on the outside becomes secondary to you as a husband or as a wife. Because what is most important to you is their inner beauty and the inner beauty you already you are in love with it. So it's not that you become you do not disregard it, you do not you know marginalize it or consider it to be not important, but you are in love with something that is more important than just the physical appearance. That is how you know within the spouses, this thing is not supposed to be a big huge issue. And that is why people are

married for 50 years. And of course 50 years we become fatter, we wrinkly or we become but to the spouses, you know what? The inner beauty has not changed through time, what happens to it is, it gets even more beautiful. And the sister up there has a question, you said that we need to look for the inner beauty of the person whom we consider for marrying.

It's there initially find the inner beauty, but what are the chances that the inner beauty will remain the same after 10 years? or five years from now? Yes. Remember, maybe it's our inner beauty that might change or only they're interviewed. And that is why we said initially remember when we spoke about the myth about love that love is not forever, that love does not conquer all, that the first love is not the best love. It may be the chance that you know people have changed. And was it us that change them? Or are they just coming out as who they really are. So if that's the case, then

People sometimes give us very little reason to love them. Sometimes they may even leave us with very little reasons to stay in love with them. And that is why we say love is not forgotten.

Brother has a question you never know what's happening in person. And things can change all of a sudden, perhaps you get into a contract person may actually it can be very dainty, you know, but when he actually happens to be in the contract, he may change or for certain So, could you give me the exact parameters where you could actually check up the inner beauty?

Yes, that's a good question. And I promise you when we're done with this workshop inshallah, we will learn enough about this topic. But sometimes you know, you speak about inner How am I supposed to know the inner beauty of the person that is such a complicated process? It is not people, it really is not, if you know what you're looking for, and you keep looking for it, it is not and we will learn this in sha Allah. That's all the time that we have for this episode. And we're glad that you have joined us and inshallah he will join us next time we are here as well. And until we meet you, we say so long and as salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato