Channel: Musleh Khan
Series: Musleh Khan - Family Life
Navigating Conflict with Family.
Based on verses 43-47 of Sura Maryam.
A unique analysis on resolving and avoiding conflict between Parents and Children.
So don't worry, too lucky. We're about a cartoon Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. So this is the second installment of life with children. And today we have to talk about conflict. And this is the conflict between you and your children, or the children and your parents. And this is again, one of those subjects where we don't talk about enough. Every single home that has kids, there's conflict, they're always gonna butt heads. And usually what ends up happening, unfortunately, most of the times is the kids lose their voice. And we're not talking about, you know, little children. Here, we're talking about young adults, we're talking about college and
university students that are well into their 20s. But when they want to disagree with parents, or they want to present some sort of perspective, or make a suggestion, or just simply say, Hey, you know, Mom, Dad, what you're saying is wrong, or what you did was wrong, you shouldn't have done this, you shouldn't have done that. And it just turns into a big conflict, they get shut down, they have no voice. So today, I want to help out a lot with all the families out there that have conflicts between children and parents how to resolve that how the core and teaches us to resolve that. So let's get right into this, I want to bring your attention now to a particular surah of a
particular Prophet, that I'm sure a lot of you may not think about that that's where you may want to go to get some guidance and direction on how to deal with conflicts. And that is, of course, in solid medium. And particularly it is the section in where Ibrahim Ali has said is talking to his dead. Now, before we say anything, I hope that everybody who is watching this,
although that I'm releasing it now, please, please take the time to sit with your kids, regardless what age they are, but to at least sit with them, especially when they're when they're teenagers and above. And make sure you guys watch this together before you break your fast. So it could be well before it could be a couple of hours, whatever you want. If they're available right now, tell your kids or tell your parents to come to the screen, wherever, whatever it is that you're using, and listen to this. And for the parents that are listening to this right now, you're going to probably hear some things that you're not gonna want to listen to it might make you feel uncomfortable, you
might feel a bit awkward. But guess what, you have to hear this. You have to hear what the poor end is teaching us. But even more. So you also have to understand that parenting is not some God given gift that you get when you have children. It's something that you have to learn. And you have to constantly think and reflect on and critique yourself. Did I say the right thing? Did I make the right decision, I shouldn't have done it this way. I should probably go and apologize. Like it's a very humbling experience to be a parent. And so that takes training. And that takes time. But it definitely begins with some advice and guidance. So let's get right into it. Okay, I'm going to go
to sort of medium and listen to this. Whenever you think about Ibrahim alayhis salaam, and his legacy and his life, you cannot think of his life except that you think about the conversation and the altercation between him and his father. Keep in mind now his father was the man who designed idols, he built them he designed them he pretty much started the whole industry of idol worship. And it became an industry where it was commercialized. So he was selling this stuff. And he made a living off of it. So here's the first point. There's a family business right now, that's happening in the household of Ibrahim Ali has sent him and within that family business, the kid now Ibrahim
Ali is he eventually starts to learn that this family business is not the right business for us anymore. And how does he do this? Now here's the thing. There's going to be a conflict now because he's disagreeing with something that his father is involved in. Right? So listen to how he addresses this. He says,
If quantity be here evety Lima, terrible. dumela? Yes, malwa you will sudwala you honey and keshava. Here's the first thing. He calls out his father. And before we even tell you how he does this, here's the first point brothers and sisters but parents and children, here's the first thing that you need to note, kids. If you ever have a disagreement with your parents, tell them, communicate it to them. Don't bottle that stuff up. If you start saying things like men, I don't like what my mom said or I don't like what my dad is doing. I don't like the decision they make for me. But they're my parents. What am I supposed to do? That's not parenting. Right? I don't even know what you call
it. It's more of like a dictatorship or imprisonment. That's up
thing, there should be always a two way communication. Like you have to be able to express this stuff. So the first thing that you learn from this conversation between Ibrahim alayhis salaam, and his father is the willingness and Ibrahim to communicate and to talk to his father about a disagreement. Now, next point, so that's the first tell them and communicate your feelings. Here's number two. How do you do that? You just go up to your parents and be like, Mom, Dad, you guys are crazy. You don't know what you're doing? You guys are stupid. You guys never went to school. I went to school. I've got the degrees. Let me handle it. That's not what he does. Listen to what Abraham
does. He says, He says, Yeah, a bit T. Yeah. abiti back then is kind of like saying, My beloved father, my loving father. Remember? Ibrahim alayhis. Salam is 100% on the other side. He completely is against what his father's involved in. But he doesn't go up to his father me like dad. Oh my god, what are you guys doing? What's up with here? I can't believe this is our business. I can't believe the family surviving on this garbage isn't none of that. It's just like, so our version of yet fit is like, dead? Mom, you busy? Yeah, I just have something on my mind. You know, I just want to talk to you guys. But what if, and if you can't talk to it, like I get it right that sometimes it might
be a little bit awkward to go up to you dad be like mom, dad, I just want to talk to you alone My feelings, I get it. So just write it to them, text it to them, put it in whatsapp group, do something. That's the point is get it out of you to them. Let them know and understand something is up. But do it in a way that's civilized, respectful, and give dignity to your parents. Why? Because they're your parents. regardless how bad you might think they are no matter what they're up to. And now here's the thing, here's the here's a site tat point with this whole scenario of Ibrahim Ali Salman is that for those of you who come from revert families, so if there's a kid now or you know,
a son or a daughter that you converted to Islam, which your parents have not, but you're still living in the same household, or it doesn't matter, really, you're in a separate household somewhere else. So you got married, you married a Muslim or what have you, and you started your own life. But your parents are still like, you know, involved in their own thing, doing their own thing worshiping their own thing. And you want to be able to give Dawa to your parents, I get it right. You love guided you. You want the same for them. Here, you find that some some reverts refer to their parents as like, Yeah, I got coolfire parents, you know, they're Catholics. But you know, I'll try I'll try
I'll do my best, you know, it's almost like it creates this atmosphere is that they're like, already got one foot in the fire and one foot in this world. That's where they are right now, a lot pulled me out of that whole mess. That whole scenario, this attitude is an unasked Islamic attitude is fundamentally wrong. Because never should a believer feel superior towards another human being regardless of their religion. Why? Because as long as the both of you are still alive, you have no idea what the future of that individual is, you have no idea that just moments before your death, Allah may take away your email and give it to the person that you put down or you ridiculed or what
have you. So be careful of the attitude of just trying to like self praise, and that and that sense of, I've got it and you don't stay away from that stuff. And as a matter of fact, even that, the more emotion you have, the more humble you are. So humility continues to become stronger and you become too and you become more humble with yourself with your faith, and you love and treat people better, especially the people closest to your parents. Now. So this is kind of like a revert household that brought humanity Islam is involved in Allah had already guided him to Islam, to the oneness of Allah. But his father is still on the other page. So that's the household that we're in
right now. But he still says yeah, and then he gets right into it. Lima town boo Macedonia smart, why are you worshiping things that don't listen to you? That don't see you? When you open the ion cache? They don't actually help you in any way, shape or form. That's like saying to your parents, Dad, Mom, why are you guys doing stuff that really it makes no sense. Like, it doesn't help us in any way, where we have a family business, but we're only selling home stuff we're selling like, you know, stuff that can actually hurt people and make them do crazy things. We got to stop doing that. So that's that kind of conversation he's having with his father. Now pay attention to the flip side.
I know his father kind of looks like you know, the setting is set is set in such a way that the Father is the bad guy in this in this whole scenario. Just listen to this. Okay. These are some of the things that we don't reflect on when we read these kinds of stories. And then a luck continues and he says yes
evety comes back to the same thing that I want to tell you something, I want to tell you why I disagree with this business, I want to tell you why I don't like your choices. You want me to marry somebody, I don't want to marry them. You want me to get into a career. But that's not where my passion is. You want me to make this choice? You want me to go do this thing. But that's not where I am. I don't want to do that stuff. Mom, I don't want to get involved in that dad. Goes continuous. Yeah. And the team in neopet, a jet any minute, any manner, let me at ticker knowledge came to me that didn't come to you. That's what I'm saying to his father, that's our version of that is, you
know, Mom, Dad, I know that you guys didn't have an opportunity to go to school. But that Hamdulillah, you brought us to this part of the world or you gave me opportunities, and I got to go to school. So I learned a lot of different things. And especially those of you who study you who get into like deep Islamic Studies, you know, your parents might have grown up learning that to do things a certain way. But because you've spent the time you've studied, you've got a degree in Islamic theology or what have you. Now you come back and you say, you know, Mom, Dad, you remember that whole thing that we were doing, you know, when we were like getting up for him every morning,
and we were saying some handleless 75 times, spinning in a circle and dancing away like that stuff is kind of how long now I learned that I learned that we shouldn't be that way anymore. I learned that we shouldn't you know, when we go to the masjid, we shouldn't backbite we shouldn't back by the ever but especially in Allah's house, we got to stop doing that. You know, when we tell fibs when we tell lies, and we got so accustomed to it, mom, dad, here's what the punishment for that is. You start learning things. So that's what he brought him on. He said, I'm just saying to his dad is like, Dad, I learned some stuff a lot gave me some knowledge. And this knowledge, you don't have it.
You know, you didn't get a chance to learn it. But he's doing it in such a way that's respectful. He continues and he says, macadamia tick effectively or any ethical suit often so he soon He's like, Dad, just Just listen to me. Follow me. Alright, so that we can both be on the path that we're supposed to be on. You know, again, our version of that is Dad, Mom, I know that the family business is kind of messed up. But I'm just saying like, maybe if you tweak this, maybe if we stopped taking the ribeye now, maybe if we stopped cheating people, maybe if we actually whatever they pay for we give it to them. So it's like it's like just refining that honesty and making it 100%. It doesn't
stop he continues. Yeah, have a tea, let our Buddhist shield on in the shield line of Canada, Romania, I'll see ya says, oh, Dad, Mom, Listen, don't worship, they'll shake bond. Now, that doesn't mean that you go up to your father, your parents and be like, Listen, man, you know, you want me to marry so and so and I don't want to marry them. Why worshiping shaitan the person you want me to marry is shaitan. So I don't want to do that. No, don't do it. This is more or less a very specific a in context. So we don't really need to talk about that in terms of you know how it's relevant to us. What I'm saying to you is that the respect the dignity is still preserved here. Go
on to the next verse. So how many verses did we do so far? You have one, two, and now we're going to the third one.
So we actually we did three now we're going to the fourth one. Yeah. Yeah, at any a half for a second. Airborne may not recommend that the Cornell issued by annually and just very rough translation. I'm afraid old dad, mom, I'm afraid that the punishment will capture you, it will sting you, it will hold on to you from a rough man from the Most Merciful One, but the corner is shared by new alien and you'll just become dependent on the shaitan
then that's when the father starts talking. So here's the next point, parents when your kids are trying to tell you something, listen, you know, look what I'm gonna do, right?
When your parents when your parents when your children are trying to tell you something. Listen.
Okay, don't do nothing. Don't start to pre download your responses. As you're sort of 10% listening, what they're saying to you. They're opening up their heart to you. They're sitting there trying to talk tell you something. Just listen. You don't know everything parents, we don't. We don't have a free you know, Express card is that we can interrupt whenever we please because it's our kid. We don't get to embarrass our children in front of others and be like, see your cousin. Look at your cousin how they are. Look how they said look how they talk to their parents Look at you. We don't get to call them names. We don't just have to interrupt when they're trying to say something and be
like, okay, okay, listen, you got it all wrong. Just be quiet. Okay. First of all, you didn't do your homework. You didn't take up the garbage like I told you to. You didn't clean up your room and now you have this
audacity to tell me I'm wrong, what's wrong with you?
Be quiet. Just listen. They're human beings to Allah showed respect and honor to them in the poor and Allah left them. One of the names of children in the Quran is a semi arid, semi arid, it's the kind of fruit that when you bite into it, it feels good all over. It's one of those kinds of fruits. And so a lot of says the children are like the tomato. They're like the fruits of the house. The worst day you could be having, but man, when you bite into that one beautiful fruit and it's so perfect. all your worries go away. That's what children do. And one of the other names is that there,
there are mercy from Allah subhanho wa Taala. So treat him like one. You didn't do anything to get children, Allah gave them to you. And a lot also called children in a manner a trust. So you have to be able to listen to them just sit there. It doesn't matter what they say. And especially when kids are very young, and they're always like Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, mommy. And then you sit there and you're, you're on a computer, you do your daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, Mom, Mama, look, look, look. And then they show you like, Look, I draw a circle with a crayon on a piece of paper, you see that? It's a monster. You know what you do as parents? Oh, Mashallah. It's a good
trip. So let's add something. Now let's put ice let's put this let's do that. Let's put some color. Encourage. But in this case, when there's conflict, when they disagree, when they want to share something about their feelings. Just listen. Where am I getting this from? Do you notice and I'm going to show it to you guys.
Do you notice that from when the conversation begins here, if Paul and Andy a be here, have a tea, it starts here. And the father starts talking here.
So there's how many verses you have 1234
you have four verses before the Father began to speak, which means that the father was actually listening to his child despite that the child is going against the family business that the father worked his whole life building. And this is the most profitable thing and there's something personal behind that business. It wasn't just okay, this is what's gonna make us money. The father actually worship these idols as well. He believed in them. So there was like a sentimental, you know, attachment to this nature, the nature of this business. And the father didn't even interrupt his son. Didn't say okay, okay, just be quiet. Because now when the sun is all finished and done with
that's when the father now says, Paula are all people enter and early her to Ibrahim Lambton, tehila Aboriginal men, Nicola Jordan named Maria, you're actually going to go against the family business, you're actually going to go against what all of our, you know, tradition or culture, how we grew up, you're going to just go against all of that. And if you don't stop talking this way, I'm going to have you expel them and have you stoned, and you're going to be expelled from the whole community. Yeah, that's that, you know, what's our version of that is?
Our version of that in the house is, are you done? This is the parent now telling get finished. Okay. I'm not even going to sit here and talk to you about this. Go clean up your room. You know what, the fact that you came, and you now I brought this person and I want you to marry them, brought this whole idea I built this business for you. I spent the last 30 years and now you're saying to me that you want a different career. Now you're saying to me, now you have some money that you want to marry. You chose to choose, you chose to find somebody on your own. Go to your room. I don't want to talk about this. So what happens? It's almost as if we're telling our own kids, go
make your own little hedgerow back to your room.
If you don't stop this, I'm going to spiritually stone your voice. I'm going to spiritually stone your voice like you don't have a voice don't bring this up again. Or what ends up happening a lot of the times is parents snap right back without thinking rationally about anything. You can be just driving a car. Mom, dad is crazy thing happened with my friend. Okay, this Be quiet. Did you pray?
This is like God, relax. And here's the thing, parents.
I think you should know this that nine out of 10 times when your teenage sons and daughters and young adults come to our offices. This is one of the first things they tell us. I can't talk to my parents. They just won't listen.
I tried. I got sent to my room. My dad told me to shut up. My mom just gave me chores.
It or they don't get it. They don't understand. They compared me to my cousin.
They compared me to people like back home. They said that, you know, my values are all messed up. They said that I have a corrupt version of Islam. I told him I had teeth.
That's what they said to me.
This is where the problem begins. So the key lesson here is, despite that the Father is in a different world, it's in a different page. But all he Marley's Salaam still confronts him, does it in a dignified, respectful way. And the father is actually listening until it was his chance to respond. Then he tells us, his kid, these awful things. And here's the last area that I'm going to leave you with how to deal with conflict. The son, Ibrahim, earlier Sam says Pilar sailormoon, Ilex Stubblefield will be
he says Salaam when I like peace beyond to mela protect you.
This here students now this is for you. Okay, I've been pretty hard on the parents about listening and just keeping their own culture and their own preconceived ideas about Islam, throw that out. The window doesn't work in parenting, that doesn't need to happen. With now you the kids. It's not just about being respectful. It's about being appreciative, and understand that your parents brought you to where you are. And they did this because they love you. They want the best for you. And sometimes they just don't know how to say that. They don't know how to express that. Why? Because maybe they never got that when they were kids. You know, 40 and 50 years ago, parenting was not even close in
terms of communication to what it is today. Back then, if, if a dad came and brought somebody for his daughter to marry guess what the daughter did? him she married them. So marinelle will alternate? Yes, dad, whether she liked it or not, most of the times he just did it. Because why that was how parenting was done back then you just listen to your parents, you do what they say. I'm not saying that. That's what it should be now. But I'm just saying to you is that that respect, and that courtesy. And even if you don't get it even, you're just like, oh my god, I'm trying every possible way my parents don't get it. This is where you kids, just just stop. Just be quiet now. You tried,
you've given your opinion. Now, at least as you continue to work through that. So if you need help, if you need to ask somebody else, listen, talk to my parents, if you need to go to a chef, if you need to go to a counselor, what have you, that's all fine. But keep the respect going. We never ever have
a right or a we're never given permission anywhere in the Quran and Sunnah. To put down our parents to say anything that would make them upset. To make them embarrassed, we have no right, zero, there's not a single Hadith that says, Okay, in this one time, you can put them down. In this one time, you can be a little harsh, and this one time, you can raise your voice zero. That's one of the hardest things to teach you guys. You the kids about like just the whole relationship with parents, no matter how much you disagree, you dislike what they're doing, just to keep yourself composed. And that's what he put on him. And he did. Despite that his father pretty much said, Be quiet. And if
you don't stop talking like this, I'm going to have you either killed or you're going to get expelled out of the city you didn't get out of, at least again, our virgin you're going to get out of Toronto. I don't want to see you back in Toronto again, or whatever city that you live in. Imagine your parents said that to just because of what you said just because you disagreed about something. And then on top of that, Ibrahim Marley's same response salaamu alayka Stubblefield will echo I'm going to pray for you that Allah forgives you. So that's the least you should do. Do you see how Allah never cuts the connection between the parent and the kid? This is like one of the
worst case scenarios on a lot doesn't just say, Okay, well, Ibrahim, he walked away and left his father and abandoned him. And that was the end of the he left with his with his father with one thing, I'm going to still keep that spiritual connection with Allah. And I'll pray for you that a love gives you forgiveness and a love gives you guidance. Our version of that is you also pray for parents pray that your parents would soften and become become more understanding. And even if they do, just because you have an opinion doesn't mean that that's right, as well respect their opinion. tell yourself that you know what, I guess this is the way that things are going to be right I guess.
Okay. It's not that bad. I wanted to go into computer science, but they prefer going to computer programming because that's the family business. Okay, fine. I'll get that done. So that's the whole idea. That's the whole issue here. It's about so let's summarize everything and then I'm done. I see a lot of you commenting. So I will. I will start to I will start to get to some of those questions.
Let's summarize everything. So the first thing is to confront the problem, to have the courage to be the bravery to be able to communicate. Number two, yet, do it in a respectful way. It's not about arguing your feelings, it's about talking about your feelings. Number three, don't interrupt parents, listen to your kids, when they want to tell you something, just sit there and listen to it. Number three, or number four, don't have your own, don't start downloading your responses. So that how you can put your kids in their place, it's okay to learn from them. And Allah gives that generation something that you won't have, and it's going to happen, if it hasn't happened already.
Because your kids are still young, it's going to happen, they will surpass you in education in some way, some way, shape or form, whether it's a particular area, whether it be in religious studies, it doesn't matter. It's another generation and every generation continues to advance in its own way, they're going to learn more than you, you have to be able to respect that, you have to be able to accept that it's a humbling thing. And you'll see that when you accept that you're actually encouraging your kids to become stronger and better. They actually become they become more confident, they feed off of that support that they get from their parents. You know, I talk to these
teenagers and these young adults all the time. And they say that it doesn't matter how many of their friends support them. But as long as their mom says You did a good job it makes their whole year, when the dad says man You did well, that's like the whole, that's everything for them just because it came from their parents, and the same exact words come from friends, but it's not the same. And when your parents tell you something, it's even if it's exactly the same, it's totally different when it comes from them. And then of course, it continues. So Ibrahim alayhis, salaam, he doesn't get interrupted, but don't be what to the Father was. And that is don't shut down the conversation.
Don't shut down the opportunity to communicate, otherwise, it's not going to be parenting anymore. And finally, for the kids, continue to pray for your parents, even if they don't get you continue to pray. But you also continue to seek help, because you know what they put all he did, he went to another source for help. So he tried to cope with the problem with him and his father, and it didn't work. So what does he do now? Still fear or lack or be? It's like a saying, I'm going to go seek counsel from Allah then. So he went to an outside source. So between his father didn't work. So he went to another source and says, Okay, I'm done. I don't want to push this any further. I'm going to
go get help. I'm going to go talk to somebody else. And he says, Allah is going to be my counselor, Allah is going to be my help. It's absolutely amazing. So get the help that you need. Get the reinforcements that you need. If you're really being forced into a terrible situation, then
be able to do that. Go and ask for help. That's the son of the Prophet isocetyl. Some asked for help from Roma, from Abu Bakar. All of these great companions ask for help. I scooped me you know, an older sibling, an uncle and aunt Shea, honey man, whoever a professional counselor when asked for help, but do so in a way that keeps your parents protected. Paula Salamone. I think that's the first thing Ibrahim did. Are they sent with his father, he's like, a look, protect you set up peace beyond to protection beyond to you. So don't just be like, don't go to like, children's services or something be like, yeah, my mom. Yeah, she's really bad, you should probably go to the house and the
police there, don't do that. And especially if they haven't done anything wrong, they haven't abused you or threaten you or anything like that. Don't do that. Don't put them on the spot and embarrassing them, embarrass them. These are things that we're accountable for. And so with that being said, that's all I want to say. All right, I promised myself I was going to make this too long. And I'm not really sure how long this one was. But in sha Allah May Allah subhanho wa Taala accept our efforts. This is just some perspective that I wanted to share with with you from this from the core end.
Let me just take a quick look here.
Literally tried a couple years ago to reach from you so at the end, and we should, because we feel left out with thanks for those videos. Okay, so Maya, Heidi, just send me the questions or whatever it is that you have again, and this is for everybody. Guys. I have 14 emails I have. I don't know how many social media accounts I don't run any of them. I just log in to do these lives whenever I feel like it. But this is actually run by students and things like that. I just can't keep up. I get hundreds and hundreds and sometimes 1000s of messages throughout the month, throughout the week. And it's just too much I'm a human being. I just simply can't keep up. And if you really want my
attention, please understand I don't have all the answers. There are other people
Are 1000 times more qualified and knowledgeable than me? So please if you don't find direction in me, just simply continue your journey to find a direction from somebody else. I will always do my best to try to respond, but mail and silage will give me strengthen and forgive me for my weaknesses and my shortcomings
what you might call it here send deala I wish if there was an original version to this session oh my god if somebody can translate this by all means All I know is qahal hate TK that's it. I don't know no I know many non Muslim con that's a lot of people think I'm from India Pakistan i'm not i'm actually West Indies. My parents are Chinese. I was born in Medina. I grew up in Toronto, so I speak zero or zero. It's just Arabic and English. That's it. Okay, guys.
Okay, so I think that's it for now. If you have and Wiley Come and sit down What are going to load but I kept it to everybody who sent their son. I'm in the comments smell line. So Joe bless you all. And that's all I'm going to do for today. Okay, I'm so sorry, this is long. But again, if you're going to watch this again, or if you're going to put this up later on with your kids, please do so make sure that kids and your parents who sit down and listen to this, okay? Just like hello hi and Take care everybody. So I'm wanting to learn