Before You Say I Do – EP06 – PT 2

be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

If you have just joined us, we are talking about whether Love is a need or a want. And we discussed the first point saying that love isn't needed, because of the need that we have for a companionship, a human companionship, to share our values, our interests, our thoughts, and our feelings with a companionship, through whom we can double our joys, and we can split our burdens. And then we got somehow we got into speaking about feelings, we said that feelings, and values and interests and hobbies, these are all there, but whether we choose to share them or not, that is up to us. And that's what we talking about, you know, relationships requiring maintenance. And we spoke about the

first level of communication, who says cliche questions, the second level was exchanging facts. And now we come into supposedly deeper level and that is when we exchange ideas, okay? And we say that ideas are easier to exchange because sometimes, you know, what did you think this chair needs to be here? Or needs to be here? There is no nothing dangerous about this. So as feelings are concerned, so put it here, put it there, it's just an idea. What color should we paint the wall? It's just an idea. But then what happens after we share ideas, then what do we need to do?

What do we have to start doing now?

We have to share our feelings.

And some don't like to share feelings. Because what happens with feelings?

Why are some people so reluctant in sharing how they feel? What is wrong with telling people that you are unhappy? Why is that so difficult to share?

The person may not be interested in listening to us, what if we know that the person is genuinely interested in wanting to listen to us?

Maybe, okay, but why are reluctant I mean, if this is how I feel them, this is how I feel. You know, one thing about feelings is that there is nothing right or wrong, our feelings, feelings are just there. Whether it's justified or not, that's a different story. But the fact that I am feeling this way, I am angry, I am sad, I am happy. It's a feeling there is nothing right or wrong about it. Feelings are just there. Whether they are justified or not, is a different story. Okay? But even knowing this, why are we so reluctant in sharing how we feel, maybe we are afraid of losing the person with whom we are sharing the feelings? Maybe we are afraid of losing the person with whom we

are sharing the feelings? Maybe we are. Okay. Maybe that's the case, they become insecure like after sharing the feeling, we feel that we have become insecure. What gives us this this sense of insecurity? Because it might create a negative picture in for the so what are we doing when we are failing? When we are sharing feelings? We are like, exactly, it seems like we are exposing ourselves. Because we remember what we said before about feelings. People must have a permission to enter into the way that we feel unusual, what do we lock, we lock things that we do not want to expose to people. So the thought out there is that now if I am going to open up what will happen?

I am going to expose myself. And that can be very scary. Don't know what I'm talking about. Okay. And then also there are other explanations such as, why are we reluctant of sharing our feelings?

lack of trust, excellent. As trusting Him, the person that we are sharing our feelings with? Yes. confrontation, you may be feeling well, once you verbalize it, you have to confront it yourself. Okay. And some people, they are not confrontational. So what do they do? They just hold it in. They don't like to talk about it, or people's opinions, people's opinions. Okay. We feel that our people might try to manipulate our feelings if we reveal our true selves, okay, that's very possible. And then also there is the idea of what sometimes our cultures are not very encouraging for people to talk about their feelings. Remember what we spoke about the media and all these things, the non

personal factors, how TV sells us ideas. Now, how common is it? for a man to cry in public?

What happens when your son is crying? What do you tell him? Boys Don't Cry.

Even boys don't cry. Do you tell your daughter girls don't cry? No. He said, exactly. That's what girls are supposed to do. Let me give you a little spanking to help you in the process as well.

That's that's what so what we do is that sometimes, we in our cultures, we assigned feelings, okay? So we assign feelings as boys. Don't cry.

Gross don't do this boys don't do that. And in the process, we miss out on this, I'm sorry, but we have to move on because we go on to this level of communication and we never get out of it. Anyways, second need or second reason for why do we need love?

This is a beautiful one. He said, our need to love, Sir, it is to exercise our emotional capacity in the unique way that love makes possible. We need to find persons to admire to feel stimulated and excited by persons towards whom we can direct our energies. This is a beautiful need people. This is really lovely. It is an opportunity to exercise our emotional capacity ever, like you know, sometimes you just feel speechless because of how you feel. And you don't know how to express the way that you feel. And you are lost of words, and you don't know how to say. And sometimes you don't even know whom to say to. And sometimes you have just beautiful news. And you can't wait to see the

person to share that useless. You'll know what I'm talking about. That is really nice. Now in romantic relationship, that platform is given to us, a person with whom we are able to exercise our emotional capacity,

in addition to these being humans that care for us, but now there is also this extra bond of us being in a romantic relationship, wisdom. Not only this, but we all have emotional energies, the energy that is within us is not only you know, just our ability to exert physical force on others know, when we also have this source that we call emotional energy, that we are able to direct to somebody that we can admire somebody that we can love. And somebody that we can feel is stimulated and excited by just so exciting being with you. It's so it's so this being with you. So love and this romantic relationship gives me this platform to exercise my abilities. You know, what is it

that they say? Sometimes if you have a skill that you do not exercise, what happens to that skill, interests. And remember what we said earlier about people not feeling. Imagine that a person feels this way about somebody else who's married to if they are not able to share this with them. It gets very crazy. I know of a person. He said that he is so much in love with his wife. And he's just so very grateful to her. And I said, Well, so what do you tell her? In what do you tell her about this? He said, I don't. So I said, Well, how do you express your love to her? He said, I wash the dishes.

He expresses his love by washing the dishes. Why do you think he does this? Because using words is what?

To Him is difficult because he's never been trained. He's never been taught to use words to express what is going on. Nina was good at this initially. Children. They don't know what to say. So what do they do? They cry? Isn't that why children cry? This is their first means of communication. They either want attention, they're hungry, they need to change the diapers, whatever it is, what is the first thing they do? They cry.

This is how they express themselves until they learn how to speak and then we can never shut them up. Isn't that the case? Okay. Any case, what happens? Now remember this, this is all the opportunities that are possibly out there, whether we exercise them or we do not exercise them, that is up to us. Okay? Also, when we are in love, we have the opportunity, our need to be loved, to be valued, cared for, and nurtured by another human being. Who is not necessarily related to us by blood. We may be loved, we may be valued, we may be cared for. And we may be nurtured by our mothers, by our fathers, by our sisters, by our brothers, by our uncles, whoever is out there. But

what we're looking for is somebody outside our family circle, where we can not only you know remember what I'm talking about the emotional energy that we have, or we can direct it to them. But we also want that emotional energy to be worth to be reciprocated back. We want to feel the same way. We want to be valued. We want to feel cared for. We want to feel nurtured by somebody else. And please remember what we said earlier. To love is nothing to be loved. Is something to

to love and to be loved is everything and that is what we are talking about here. And with this we come to the conclusion of our program here today. We're very grateful that you have joined us and inshallah you are enjoying this as much as we are enjoying it. And until we meet next time we say so long and Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.