Before You Say I Do – EP06 – PT 1

So

as you work together,

Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling the deen from this

alarming rate on rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, The Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah. And may his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. I begin by greeting my brothers and sisters saying a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

That's really good Mashallah. Very, I sense the excitement.

And that is natural, simply because we're still talking about love. Like we said, anytime you talk about love, you will always find an attentive ear. You do not lose out when you speak about love. Beautiful, one of the most beautiful things that Allah subhanho wa Taala has created. And today inshallah we'll be discussing is love a need, or is it a want? And remember, from now on, we are always talking about romantic love. The love that takes place between a man and a woman, we're talking about romantic love, is romantic love, a need? Or is it a want? Generally speaking, we know that love is a need. We humans, we need to be loved. We need that love to be expressed to us. And

that is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to express that love, remember, when the Bedouin came in and the processor was kissing and Hasson and Husayn and he came, and he saw this, and he said, What are you doing? Why are you kissing these kids? I have 10 kids, I have not kissed a single one of them.

And the processes said, What can I do to you? If Russia has been snatched of your heart, there is nothing that I can do to you. In Romania, there were some kids who were left in the orphanage. These kids were fed. They were closed. They were given milk. They were given food. But somehow these kids were dying.

And they people didn't know why were these kids dying. They thought that somebody is being careless about them. But these kits, they were really fed. Why were they not growing? Why were they dying. And they found out that these kits were never held, they were never held, the only time that they were held is was the time of feeding. Other than that there was no human touch that came to them. There was no skin to skin contact that took place between these kids and the people that were giving them care. And some people have argued that as a result, these kids were not dead, did not die, because of lack of nutrition, or food or water or milk or anything like that. They died because they

did not have love. They were not loved.

But what we're talking about here is romantic love. We do believe that life is possible. Without love. It is possible. But what kind of a life is it going to be? It's going to be one very, very lonely life. And most important, it will be a life that is not experienced to its max abundant time wrote a book called rototom have been the Garden of the lovers. This is my own translation of the title of the book has been translated. I'm not sure if this is the translation of the title or not. But it he quotes a line of poetry that reads were in limbo Elementary, Madhava Fattah is Tibetan for Anta haohmaru He said, If you have not loved and have not experienced love, get yourself some hay

for you are a jackass. Sir, if you have not loved and you have not experienced love, fat Elif timonin, go get yourself some hay for you or a donkey. And the hemara said, Hey Omar, he is describing it as a donkey simply because he's saying that these people have not experienced one of the most powerful, one of the most precious things in life. And that is the idea of being in a romantic love. So why do we need love? What is it about love that makes it a need and in the process? What are we going to be fulfilling?

romantic love is an expression of satisfaction of our need for human companionship. For someone with whom to share values, feelings, interests and goals for someone with whom to share the joys and burdens of existence. You know, they say that with our friends, what do we do when you have good news? What do you do and you share it with them. you double your joy and when you have sad news, what happens

You divide your burdens. But then there is somebody special that must be there for us unconditionally, all the time, where we can claim as our own, and we can claim by them as their own, we may have good friends that we can do this with. But it's not like when you have somebody who claims you as his own or her own, and you claim them as your own or his own. They say that how do you tell this is one of the ways to tell whether you love a person or not, when you hear a good joke, who's the first person that comes to mind that you want to share it with,

when you get a nice email, who's the first person that you want to forward it to? Okay, when something good happens to you, good news, Whom do you want to share it, Whom do you want to share it with. And we look for that person that will genuinely be excited for a see if I have a good joke. And I tell it, you, you laugh,

okay, but I want a person. And if something happens to me good, and I share it with you, you'll be happy for me. But I want somebody who will genuinely be excited for me, who will feel that my joy is his joy, or her joy, who will feel that my burden is also their burden as well. So we want somebody to share this was we want somebody to share our values with, to share our feelings was to share our interest was, you know, one of the most beautiful things about being in a marital relationship in a romantic relationship. And I'm talking about here, you know, when I say romantic relationship, I'm talking about a relationship that's got an ethical value into it, where people have actually

developed that and they've gotten married. So one of the things is that when it comes to feelings, people, you know that people must be invited into our hearts and into our minds, people do not have a key to what we think or what we feel, they must be invited. And it is so nice to find a person where you can say, I am really going to open up here to tell you to show you what is going on. And I'm also going to open this where I will share with you what is happening in this place. That is really nice, because we only know our feelings, and we choose to share it with some people. So who are these people that we choose to share it was to find a person where I can do this with that is

really nice, and that's really deep. However, sometimes in marital relationships, the relationship is so dull, it is so dead, that this really does not take place. And that is very sad. Now, this is what a companionship is supposed to provide to us. Now, whether it happens or not, it may or may not happen. In the US, for example, they say that the average father spends 17 minutes a day with his family. The average mother spends 34 minutes a day with her family. And when I speak about togetherness, I'm not talking about physical togetherness, because people may be living in the same house. But they have their own separate lives.

They may be together, but they're having their own separate lives. And the person will be in the house. I've been home all day long. But I was either watching TV, I was on the computer, I was finishing a project, I was reading a book I was working on my papers, physically I was there. But there was no togetherness that was going on. In communication, they say that there are eight levels of communication. As far as depth is concerned, eight levels of communication. The first people say that most people go to sleep after the second level of communication. Most people go to sleep having done only two levels of communication, even though there are eight of them. So the first level of

communication is what we call cliche communication. Where you ask a question, you hear an answer. You neither mean it nor the UK for the answer, but it's cliche. Your son comes from school. Hey, how was the school? Good? What did he do today? Nothing. Okay. Moving on. What do you mean, you were at school for eight hours? I asked how was your day? Okay, what did you do at school, nothing and move on and move? And nothing. This is what we call cliche? Where my question was not really genuine. It was just common courtesy. Psycho is around how are you? And I really don't listen to that. And I don't care for the answer. I meet an SSI client and Salaam, how are you? And I really don't mean it.

And you don't even care to tell me how you're feeling? And if I were to say, how are you? And then you say, Well, you know, I woke up this morning around 515 520. And then, you know, and I was, we'll get bored. Who's that person? I just said, How are you hoping to hear hamdulillah so that we can all move on? And now here you are telling me the story of I am not interested? This was supposed to be a courteous question. I say how you use your handle and everybody moves that way. Oh, I met him and asked how he was. That's a lie.

So it's cliche. So people come in and sanka salaam, how is it and you know, all that stuff? And then the second level they say is when people start sharing information and facts.

Did you send the bill?

Did you write that check? Did you make that phone call? So we are looking for facts, the level of communications that we are asking to acquire factual information. And then what happens? Everybody goes to sleep.

People just go to sleep at that point. And we just only done two levels of communication. And that is the end of it. So this is what love may provide to us. Whether we get it or not. That's a different story. Do you want to know what the other six levels of communication are? No. Okay. After cliche questions, after sharing information, what do you think we share next? We share ideas and thoughts. Because ideas and thoughts are what?

They are safe. Ideas are safe. It's just what I think.

But the minute you start talking about feelings, what happens?

you're exposing yourself,

you're opening up and people are afraid of doing so. So what do we do? Sometimes? What do we do? We put a mask on? What is that mask? We call it an emotional mask. We pretend but in reality, we are not. This guy buys this painting that was done by Picasso. And he buys his painting. And he was really excited about it. He takes it to Picasso and he says Mr. Picasso, I paid hundreds and 1000s of dollars for this painting. Can you please sign it for me for authentication? Picasso takes the painting he looks at it. And he goes, sorry. Sorry, he said. She said it's fake. So the man is very disappointed. I've spent so much money on this painting. And now Picasso tells me that it is fake.

He goes few months later on, gets himself another Picasso painting. And this is beautiful. And it's really nice. And it looks real. So he brings it to Picasso after paying hundreds of 1000s of dollars for it. And he goes Mr. Picasso. I've got this painting of yours. Can you please sign it for me for authentication? Because he looks at it. And he says, Sorry, this is fake. So the man gets very upset. And he said, Mr. Picasa, you are lying. I was there when you painted that picture. And I saw you paint this picture. And now you're telling me it's fake.

So Picasso very calmly holds up the painting and he said

I paint many fake pictures.

So

the question or the moral of the story is what how often do we put on that fake that mask? So this was the third I believe the third level of communication. We are going to take a short break before we continue. So please do stay tuned and we will be back momentarily.