Before You Say I Do – EP08 – PT 1

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Allah has given you a companion and friend to stay and always be seen as man and wife, fulfilling the deen from this day forever.

him initiate en rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the most compassionate, All praise is due to Allah and make his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and I begin by treating my brothers and sisters saying a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

And we will take some comments or question at this point, regarding this point, if we can help it inshallah, you fought point, talk about psychological support, okay. Now how egos, virtues and values struggle between each other. Because in a psychological support, I need to understand opposite person, we remember I fought to reduce addiction, I said two things. I said, it is psychological visibility. And it is emotional support, hey, sometimes, many times in life, you just want somebody that will listen to you. I remember one time we were taught in counseling, that the most successful session that you can have with a client is when you do not do any talking. And the

client does all the talking. People think that in counseling, people come in, and the client tells them what to do. And they give them all the advice. That's not what happens. A good client, a good counselor would allow you to talk and talk and talk. And then he challenges these thoughts. And he does not do it in big huge sentences. But rather he throws in a word there are not an IRA member, one of the clients came in, and she spoke for 25 minutes straight. She did not wait for any interruption. There wasn't even any room for any, she just walked in, she sat down, and she started talking for 25 minutes. And I think she stopped because she got tired. Okay. And what happens is

that as she was talking, and I'm thinking to myself, this is the first time that this person is opening their mouth seems like they've never been heard before. And many times when we speak about emotional support, we're talking about somebody that would just listen, without necessarily being critical. Somebody that would give us an allow us the opportunity to tell our story, how it is that you know what it's, I've got so much in me that I need to let out. But I want somebody to genuinely listen to what is being said. And in a love relationship in a loving relationship or marital relationship, we have that support system that can come in that emotional support system, you know,

where I can just tell people how I feel without being afraid of being labeled, as you say, or without being afraid of being exposed. And it's so beautiful to find a husband or a wife? What do you speak to them, as if you're speaking to yourself, you're so open with them. And you can just tell it, you can just tell it how it is without having the fear of all the fears that we spoke about the other day, speaking of the need for the other person to be a mirror? Are there some ground rules to be laid in terms of how Frank honest, soft or harsh one should be? Yeah, that's a good question. With our loved ones, therefore, ground rules, please remember them. These are crucial, crucial

ground rules. Rule number one, always, the person is more important than the point the person is more important than the point. Many times we give more importance to the point or not to the person. And what I say is, delay making the point save the person make the point later on. What good is the point if you made it, but you lost the person? What good is it? It's not good. So what do you do? Save the person and delay making the point? The person is always more important than the point. Okay, so she cooks food that is just not good for human consumption. Okay. And she asks, How good is the food? If you tell her terrible

you're not like the food was really terrible. Okay, good then that would you want to say something like this. So, the second point is being kind is more important than being right. Would it be wrong for the processor to say they really better or this one is really bad? No, no, but then again, you know, usually in these types of relationship, you are asked to take the higher road. Take the higher road number three

Say what you mean? And mean what you say.

Okay, say what you mean? And mean? What you say? Many times, what happens is that we say things that we really don't mean. And the things that we really mean, we really do not say, some of you are going to come and say, this was a great workshop, but deep in your heart, you say, it was such a waste of time. I wasted my time with this person, I will never see him again, inshallah, I hope we never come across. Now you come and you tell me that this is how you feel. But in reality, that's not how it is. So mean what you say and say what you mean? What then in the process, remember, you don't have to be cruel about it. You don't have to be harsh about it. And remember, we don't need to

tell everything as it is, especially in a marital relationship. Meaning that should always Yes, be frank, be honest, when it comes to facts. But when it comes to issues of preferences, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi Salaam said you may exaggerate, he's Allah Sallam said, a person may not lie, except in three circumstances. One is, when you are captured by the enemy, you just don't reveal secrets. Two is when you are about to reconcile a relationship between two people, or he's always talking good about you. Or she's always mentioning how great you are. And that may not be the case, but you're trying to bring people together. And then finally he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,

originally, you had this urge to have this as a man speaking to his wife, and a wife of speaking back to her husband. They say not at that point, people may exaggerate, they may, I don't want to use the word lie. But people may in circumstances have preferences. You may say things to please the other person. But I would have to say that the first three rules are very important, as we are dealing with our loved ones. Somebody else had a question. I don't know how relevant it would really be. But now that we're talking of love between two natural sexes, you know, the male and the female, we see how how fast this concept of the third sex is spreading, and it is creeping into the Indian

society and sooner we'll catch up with a Muslim as well. So how would you explain that? Yes, many times I get emails about people who are in that position. And I remember one time, there was an article on pornography, and the Islamic position on pornography, on pornography was in the Muslim community. And I was quoted in that article. So somebody called me, a Muslim man called me. And they said, You know, I read the article on the paper. And I was very pleased with it. And I have a question for you. He said that all the feelings that we spoke about, said, I have it, but I do not have it towards women. I have them towards men.

And I remember last time, he's talking about the Indian community. I remember last time I was here. I also had many questions regarding this topic, not people inquiring, but these are people who said, We are in this position, what do we do about now remember this in principle, Islam tells us that such the act of homosexuality or homosexual activities are an abomination. They are not to be acceptable. And they are and rejects the notion that people are born this way. People are not born this way. In the Quran, it says Mansa, cumbia when I had a minute, Al amin, addressing the people of Luth Allah histogram said, no people, of the nations or the societies prior to you have ever done

what you people are engaged in at this point. However, what if somebody says they genuinely, they genuinely and they're not lying about it, saying that you know what, this is where my attraction is. This is how I feel so fine. We will not challenge your feelings. Your feelings are real. Remember what we said yesterday about feelings, feelings, there is no right or wrong about them. They're just their feelings are just there. But here's what happens. How you feel is one thing. What you do with your feelings is another thing for example, I may see a woman in the street, and I find her to be very attractive. But then I learned that this is a married woman. My attraction initially is

natural. What I do is my attraction is going to determine whether I am an ethical person or I am a pervert, to go after that knowing fully that she is married, that makes me a pervert. Similarly, we say if this is how you feel, then Subhana Allah that is going to be your test in this life. This is how you feel so long that you do not act upon it. So the point is, do not act upon us. And, you know, people speak about things like that happening amongst soldiers who are deployed for a long time away from their families. It happens amongst people who are

in prison for a long time. And again, there is this need for people to get themselves fulfilled. Psychological visibility, emotional support. And sometimes people practice these things, but they miss direct their feelings, their emotional energies and their sexual energies as well. So we say in Islam, that is not acceptable. However, I think also as a Muslim community, somebody comes and tells us that you know what, I am suffering from this, this is what's going on with me, I need help. I think that they deserve to be helped. I don't think that we should shun them so long that they are willing to change their ways, so long that they are asking for help. They are attempting to change,

I think they deserve to help people have different challenges in life. Some are addicted to alcoholism, some have a problem with drugs, some have a problem with many things. So similarly, these people also have a problem. And I believe that when they ask for our help, when they reach out to us, I think that we, as a Muslim community must help them. How would you compare the mate? First Love is the best love with prophets love for his first fight Khadija over his other wives. Remember, what is wrong about that statement is to say that all the time, the first love is always the best love. When you say that this is a fact that your first love is always the best love, and that

becomes erroneous. But it may be to some people that their first love is really their best love. But it does not mean that the first love will always be for everybody be the best love. That is not acceptable. Okay, so that's the difference. And that is why, for example, in the Hadith, the prophet SAW Selim, when he was asked, whom do you love most? There are two narrations and what had these the pasar Salam said Asia. And then they said, Who's next? They said, Abu ha, her father, and in other narration it was said, whom do you love most? And he said Fatima, his daughter, and they said of men, he said xojo her her husband, Alena Vitaly. But in any case, the processor would speak very

highly about his first wife Khadija de la hora. In fact, one time, a woman came into the house of the prophet SAW Salem, and the processing lab got up and he greeted the woman, and he had her sit where he was sitting on his mattress, and he is asked about her family and how her family was doing very, very hospitable towards her. So actually, when the woman left, she said, Who is this woman prophet of Allah, the process and I'm said, Can Tina as a DJ, she used to visit us when the job's alive, she is one of the Friends of Khadija and then the processor makes a very beautiful statement and he said, we're in personnel it means a man keeping loyalty to all friendship. He said is part of

email. Okay? Because her data is gone. It does not mean that you know, everybody else who is remotely connected or is gone said no, part of my goodness words Khadija may Allah be pleased with her is that I demand to be good to those who knew her Raja Raja lavon and that is how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam spoke about so the statement is erroneous if we say all the time, the first love is the best love for everyone. Then that statement is a myth. For some people that may be the case. We will take a short break and we will come back again inshallah. So please do stay tuned.