Serenity – Parenting Discussion

Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

Series:

Topics: Parenting

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Episode Transcript

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Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio, we are speaking today about a topic that we receive many questions about it's, it's a struggle for many people, and that's the topic of parenting. And oftentimes, we, you know, span a lot as, as human beings, we we need to get a train, we need to get training and oftentimes a license to do many things, we need to be trained, in order to drive we need to have a license in order to drive, we, you know, we need a license even just to go fishing. And yet, you know, we there's really no training, and no license obviously associated with becoming a parent, even though this is of course, one of the most

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important roles that you know, that we play. And that's shaping the life of another human being. And so this is something that we need to really put a lot of focus on. And and, you know, this is a discussion that we need to have about what what are the things that we're doing right? And what are the things that that we should change. So what I want to do today is take your questions, open it up in the chat box for your questions, about your struggles, perhaps with parenting or, or your triumphs, you know, share your stories, your inspirational stories as well, about this, this challenging and very important and rewarding job of being a parent. I'll share with you a hadith

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which you know, I think puts this into perspective. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam told us that after a human being passes away, all of that person's deeds stop. And those deeds end except for three. And those three types of deeds that continue to go on and continue to benefit you even in your grave are of three types. One is Southern Nigeria, a charity that continues to benefit people, for example, you You gave money, you gave charity to build a school or a Masjid or a shelter, and it continues to help people and benefit people even after you die, that is a southern jatiya. And the reward of that act continues to benefit you even when you're in your grave. The other one is a type

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of knowledge that you that you share that you give to another person. And that knowledge continues to benefit others even after you pass away. So you, for example, you taught someone and that person taught the next person and that person taught the next and it goes on and you and you share that knowledge or maybe you know, you put something out there in the form of a book or, or or a lecture or something that can continue inshallah to benefit people, even after you pass away. And then third, is a righteous child that makes stuff for you. So you'll see Subhana Allah, that at least two out of the three of these ways in order to continue to to be, you know, being raised with Allah

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subhanaw taala in our good deeds, at least two out of three of those have to do with, you know, you're you're raising of your children and can be actually achieved through your children. Obviously, if you raise your children, you know, to be to teach them at least about righteousness. And of course, Allah Subhana Allah is the one who guides so we should never think that we are in charge of guidance, but we do our part. And then we ask Allah subhanaw taala always to take care of our children to protect our children, and to guide them, but we do our part to teach them about them. And it's teach them about Allah subhanho data, to teach them about righteousness and morality.

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And when they grow up in righteousness, and they make to offer you even after you pass away that this is something that continues to benefit you, inshallah, and even when you look at the other category of knowledge that you give, and it continues to benefit, anything that you teach your children of benefit, and then they teach their children and they teach their children and then goes on. Again, this is another possible means to acquire those good deeds even after we've we've we've

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left this world even after we've passed away, and we're in our grapes, so this this role of parent is extremely noble and is something that Allah subhanaw taala again and again speaks about very, very highly the the topic of parents, in his iniquity and his,

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you know, a loss of power that I when he describes how parents should be treated, and you know, just what the mother goes through that you know, for the child, how mulatto, you know, that Allah says that, that the, the mother, she carries the child, one another one, you know, this, this hardship upon hardship or toil upon toil, it's a, it Allah is acknowledging, and letting the child know, even in his divine, in the words of the Creator, what a mother goes through, you know, for her children and, and, and anyone who's a mother can can can attest to the fact that, you know, the, the carrying of the child and pregnancy and then the, the childbirth, that is extremely heavy and extremely

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difficult, but it's only the beginning. You know, the really long hard part that requires it really the the meaning of sub perseverance and constancy is what what happens after they're born right now is the raising part. And that's the really, you know, that's, that's the long haul, you know, who are you, you can't just be, you can just do it for a week or two. And, you know, you know, this is, this is I'm kind of tired of this, it's, I'm sick of it, or it's really hard. You can't do it for just a year or two and just, you know, resign, you just, it's a job you can't resign from, it's a job, you can't even oftentimes take a break from.

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You know, it's it's just, you, you're always on call, you know, subpanel line, it's no matter what and, and it's something that parents do, lovingly. And so this is this is hard work and it you know, there's a reason why the Prophet sallallahu Sallam tells us, you know, for example,

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that when he's telling us, giving us he's commanding us to not to not associate any partners with Allah subhana wa tada for when, when in the Hadith of the Prophet, so I send them speaks about the the worst, you know, about a caveat, meaning the, the, the biggest of the big sins, and he says that, you know, the first one as we know is should should be law, you know, this is this is something we're tossing into our children, you know, that associating any partner with a loss of power, that is the, the biggest of the big sins, and then directly after that is a hook and while again, disobeying or you know, not treating your parents well and, and so, you see the the

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importance of this even when Allah subhanaw taala tells us to worship a lot and and then after directly after that, he says will be Wally Dini SN and, and, and sn here Allah is telling us to have a son with our parents.

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And sn is a very interesting concept sn

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you know, you one could just just speak entire volumes just about this concept of Sn. When we go and we look at the meaning of the word sn, we can find this word in this hadith of gibreel alayhis salaam, where the Prophet sallallaahu Selim is sitting with his companions, and a man walks in and this man they have never seen him before he you know, so they know he must be traveling. However, he has no sign of travel on him and his wearing very, very white clothes and his hair is very black. And he comes in he sits and he asks the prophet to lie I send them to teach him about Islam. And then the prophets Eliza Lem goes ahead and says Islam is and he goes, and he says that the five

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pillars you know to to, to to bear witness that there is nothing worthy of worship, except Allah and that Muhammad selye send them his his messenger and then salah and zeca and Psalm and Hajj and after he says that the man says so duct, you've told the truth. So to this the companion you know thought was unusual, because it was as if he was testing the prophets I send them and he's a man so how is he you know, testing the prophets I send them where he appears to be a man. And then he went on to ask what is Amen. And the prophets I send them said that he man is to believe in a law and his books and then he goes on to list the the pillars of Amen. And then he asks, What is SN and sn the

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prophets I send them defines as worshiping Allah, as if you can see him and if you are not able

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To know that he can see you, knowing that he can see you. So here we have a definition of sn from the profits of the law to send them, it is, when you do things, you know, not just the bare minimum, you know, you're not just nice to the people who, who are nice to you, that's not Sn. Sn is when you take,

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suppose there are, there are 10 ways to do the same thing. 10 different ways to do the same action, and you you find the top five, and you take the number one and you do that that's sn there are 10 ways to clean your house, there are 10 ways to treat your, your spouse, there are 10 different ways suppose you know, there are 10 different ways to, to,

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to write an article, there are 10 different ways to, you know, pray, you know that there are there, there, there are different ways that we can do the same action. And when you take the best and the most beautiful of those ways, the way you treat people or the way you do things,

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you know, even the way you drive. As a side note, I am not from California, I'm from the Midwest, and I absolutely do not like the way Californians drive. I just it's like there's this,

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this understood sort of idea that when you have your signal on, it actually means speed up and instead of letting the person in this is this is new for me. Usually in the Midwest, when someone sees your signal they they let you in that's like courtesy. But here in California, if someone sees your signal, it's it's a it's actually mean speed up so that the person can't change lanes. It's really interesting. But again, there's there's there's different ways of doing things, there's different ways of driving, and you can have SN and you're driving you can have a SN and in your treatment of people and you know everybody, and in all your, your dealings in your business

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dealings, in your, in your career in everything. And and here, the you know, Allah subhanaw taala when he commands us of how we should treat our parents, he says will be Wally dainius. And so the there is different ways we can treat our parents as we know. And the commandment here is not just to just be good to them. Because being good to them might be number five or number six, you know, it's still okay, but we're supposed to be finding the best and most beautiful way to treat our parents and, and use that that's the commandment of Allah subhanaw taala and so that there is again this this very, very high respect as we know, the many traditions of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam where,

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where he says that heaven is at the feet of your mother, and when the man who wanted to be involved in a military campaign, it was it was

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he asked him is Are your parents alive and and he found out that his mother was alive and he said go take care of her because heaven is at her feet. And there are different narrations, some some that are weak, but but but this meaning is found in in, in strong traditions, this, this meaning is very much established. And that is the importance of parents and you see, you know, once you become a parent, why that would be the case it's in, it's an incredible amount of sacrifice. And, like we said, it's not a job that you can just resign from or take, you know, take a long leave of absence from there's, it's, it's, it's the long haul it's it really, really requires the the definition of

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sub of perseverance and patience. And and sometimes what happens is that we, you know, we stumble along the way it's a really, really challenging job. And it is extremely heartbreaking. Especially when, you know, parents, they might give so much to their children, you know, they give some some parents really they give their lives to their children, and then their children grow up and and don't treat them well or they grow up and they turn their backs on them. And this is extremely heartbreaking. So we we you know, these are things that we we have to take very seriously how are we raising our children and as children ourselves, how are we treating our parents? So I'm going to

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inshallah start to take some questions on this important topic. One of the questions that I received

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earlier, it reads

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Santa Monica, I'm finding difficulty to focus on listening quote and or doing other worship with my small boys disturbing me

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every five seconds, one and a half, two and a half and five years old, May Allah give you

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the ability, may Allah make it easy for you. This is this is a serious challenge anyone who has young children know this, it's very, very hard. Just let alone just to the to raise these these children, young children, but also to be able to also, you know, excel in in one's a bad that in one's worship and and, and and in continuing to learn and better oneself. It is a huge, huge challenge. And I'm going to talk about it from a

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different perspective than I think we usually discuss it, and then also give some some practical advice. inshallah. First, I think it's very important that we understand what is our ultimate focus, and this is where we can actually get off track and become very distracted.

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Our ultimate focus is, although it is extremely noble to be a mother, and it's extremely noble to be a father and a spouse, that that is not our ultimate focus or our ultimate purpose. As a woman, you may be a mother, you may be a wife, as a as a man, you may be a father, you may be a husband, but your ultimate job, your ultimate, you know, purpose of your creation is not in those roles, per se, but in the in the role that's above it. And that's the role of a slave to your Creator, as ABD. As a as that, you know, Allah says, will Maha Lockton, genuine insolently Abu Dune, he has clarified the purpose of our creation as being just to fulfill our Buddha to be apt to Allah subhanaw taala. to

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enslave ourselves to Him to worship Him. And,

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you know, so so that the reason I'm saying that is because it's very, very important, because it's, it becomes very easy to lose focus, and instead to make it so that my ultimate purpose is being a mother or my ultimate purpose is being a wife, or, or, or a father or husband, or even a doctor or a lawyer, or whatever it is, my ultimate purpose and role is as a slave to Allah subhanaw taala. And it is in that capacity, and it is under that umbrella, that I have my other roles. And that's crucial that I understand it. Because when I lose focus of my ultimate purpose, then I get lost in the means, we have to be very, very clear about what is my goal, what is my end, and what is my

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means. And when we mix those up, this is when we fail, this is when we fall, this is when we get lost, you can't end up somewhere that you need to be if you lost track of where that is. And instead you got you know, so caught up in your vehicle. so caught up in your means in your path, and you just lost you lost sight of where you're going. And I think one of the the hardest challenges as a mother, as a father as a parent, because now you have this child and you know, they take up so much of your of your attention. And you're, they're so in need and they take up so much of your focus, it becomes very, very difficult to keep sight of, of the ultimate goal and not lose, lose yourself in

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the in the means in this sense, Parenthood.

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In and I'll give you a practical example of how that happens. Once you start to pray, for example, suppose you're able to find you know that time to pray. And once you start to pray, even if it's quiet, as soon as you start to pray, the only thing that's going through your mind is what time you have to go to soccer practice. And then from there, you have to get your kids ready for school and what are you going to make for their lunch? Or, you know, what's what's in the oven. What you know, or or whatever, you know, it has, you know, things that have to do with your scheduling for your children, or maybe your children, maybe something that's concerning you about your child or, you

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know, they said this to me or they did that to me. And that is actually all you're thinking about while you're praying. That in and of itself is an indication that we've we need to refocus. Because our prayers should be for Allah subhana wa Tada. That's our private conversation with our Creator, that prayer itself is my ultimate purpose. So if I'm using that prayer, to think about other things, then it's an indication that those other things have become more of my purpose or of my focus, and I need to reorient once we reorient and why am I talking about this because once besides the fact that this

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reorientation towards our ultimate purpose. But something else happens once I reorient, and that is that once I reorient my my worldly affairs actually start to fall into place. And there's a hadith which really just explains this so beautifully. Where the Prophet said the line to send them says that the one who makes the hereafter his primary concern, then a law joins his affairs. So there are a number of consequences to making the hereafter. Your primary concern one of them is that Allah first puts contentment in your heart. And then Allah joins your affairs. Now what does it mean? Gemma Lolo aamra okemah. Paul is, it means that, that you know how you feel sometimes, like you, you

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have so many different roles, and you're like juggling so many different things. But all the balls keep falling. Right? It's like you're trying to take care of something in in one respect, and then something else is breaking and another and you just feel scattered. The This is the opposite of that. When we have the correct focus, and that focus is a law that focuses the hereafter we are clear about why we're doing what we're doing. We're clear about why we're doing this whole motherhood thing we're clear about why we're doing this whole wife hood thing and and fatherhood and husband hood and, and and Lino lawyer, hood and doctors, you know, Doctor hood, all of these things

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that we're doing, we become very clear why we're doing it, that's focused, that's proper focus, then what happens as a result is those matters themselves, the mother, the life hood, the fatherhood, the husband, hood, the career, the school, all of those things are relationships, they actually start to become rectified, they start to fall into place, the things that were once scattered, get become joined. And and and then the Hadeeth goes on to talk about the other perspective. And inshallah I'm going to take a short break now. And when we return, I will talk about the other perspective, the opposite of having the correct focus.

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The difference between different having different types of focus, the first type of focus is the one who is focused on the day of judgment was focused on the hereafter was focused on Allah Subhana, WA, tada that, that is the main concern and everything else then falls into place, and contentment is put in the heart. On the other hand, the Hadeeth goes on to say that the one who makes this life his primary concern, then poverty is put between his eyes. And this is such an interesting statement, because you think about a person who has poverty between his or her eyes. What happens when you have something between your eyes, it's, it's something that you can't escape, looking at and seeing all

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the time because it's right there. It's it's, it gives you the indication of someone who always feels poor, no matter what they have, if poverty is between the eyes, you know that you always see it and you always feel it you feel poor, no matter what you have is a lack of contentment. Because you've made this life your primary concern. You don't feel that contentment, you're always wanting more. And this is something we see and in you know, in a in a highly consumerist society that that's actually what what Martin You know, that's what, that's what people feed off of. That's what you know, that's the whole concept of what they're trying to market is you know that you don't have

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enough, you need more, you're not supposed to be satisfied. Because if you were satisfied with the way you looked, you wouldn't buy as much makeup. If you were satisfied with your car, you wouldn't need to go and trade it in for a newer model. It's just it's this constant lack of satisfaction. The more you run after adonia, the more dunya runs away from you, however, and that's what we find in the in the second part, where the Hadith says that poverty is put between the eyes and your your affairs become scattered

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This feeling that we spoke about of not really being able to take care of everything you need to do your, you know, there's just so much going on and you have so many different responsibilities, and you feel torn in a million directions, and you're just everything kind of falling apart. It is actually not because you're not efficient enough. It's because you have the wrong focus, usually, that if you make your focus a law, if you make your focus, why am I really doing all this and you, and you make time to go back to that, and really give it its due, you know, give it some some of your attention, then you'll find that your other matters will also be taken care of. And you know,

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that that that feeling of being scattered will no longer be. And so practically, what does this mean? It means that yes, you know, even though you have younger children, it's so so important that you find time, whether it's by asking for some help in childcare from your spouse, or from a friend, or while they're sleeping, that you use time that you make time, in order to be alone with Allah subhanaw taala just you and Allah, and in this time, you you, you know, you use this time to reflect to use this time to make

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you use this time to read the Quran and reflect on its meaning, you read you use this time for its default, you use this time to talk to Allah subhanaw taala. And to build your relationship with Him. And to read focus, it is so essential to refocus, because we're all walking in the middle of like, a forest. And we have a compass. And suppose we check our compass, and it tells us you know, which direction is north, and we start walking in that direction. But for ours, we don't check our compass again, what ends up happening is we might get off course, that rechecking of the compass is that refocusing of the heart, and we have to consistently be doing it or we will get off track. If we're

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not coming back to Allah subhanaw taala and refocusing and having that time alone with him, it's so easy to get lost in all of our roles. It's so easy to get lost in all of the things that we that we need to do and all of our responsibilities. There's a reason why Allah subhanaw taala made the five daily prayers spread out throughout the day, there's a reason he made five and not just one or two. And there's a reason they're not all in the morning or in the afternoon or in the evening. But they're spread throughout our day. Each time there's a prayer Allah is forcing us to, to pull away from whatever things of the dunya we are engrossed in, even if it's parenting, even if it's

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something noble, but it's still the means and not the end. And so he is he is forcing us to detach from those things to pull away from those things, and reorient the heart and refocus. And check the compass. This is how we end up staying on course, without that time to, you know, to have a loan with Allah subhanaw taala connecting to Allah, daily, it must be daily without that time we get lost, we'll get lost in it. And getting lost. Actually, not only does it hurt you, but it hurts your family as well. It'll hurt your affairs themselves, that your affairs become broken, your affairs become scattered. It's not that we we run after dunya and engross ourselves in dunya. And that means

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we'll be successful in dunya. That's actually not how the formula works. It's in fact, the opposite. That when you engross yourself, and you and you get lost in dunya you just drown. It doesn't actually make you more successful. When you run after dunya Antonia runs away from you. It's when you stop and you turn your back and you face the correct direction which is a law and and in that way while you're facing your heart towards the correct end. And then you're involving your hands and dounia that you're actually able to be successful. And you're even Indonesia and you're actually able to be effective even in dunya your dunya will come to you once you face Allah subhana wa Tada.

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And that's what the Hadeeth continues to say that the one you know the Hadith explains this, these two types of focuses and in the focus of the hereafter. One of the things that had these also says is that the dunya will come to you, even if it hates to do so that the dunya becomes you know, enslaved to us instead of the other way around. If we enslave ourselves to Allah subhanho wa Taala then

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The dunya enslaves itself to us. But if we enslave ourselves to the dunya, then we've just enslaved ourselves. And we've, and we've become captives. And we end up drowning. And so, in answering the question of how do we, how do we do it? The answer is we have to focus the heart, on the on the, why are we doing it, and we have to make time to build that ultimate purpose and to take us to where we ultimately want to be. And that's with Allah subhanaw taala that's why we were put here, that's why we were made is to worship Him. And if we're losing sight of that, then we won't be successful. Making time you have to get time gets, you know, get help, get childcare, do it while they're

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sleeping, whatever it is you need to do. But even if it's just a small amount of time, every day, it will do wonders. And of course, of course, and this is a given that your your five daily prayers must be there's no reason whatsoever, unless we are incapacitated, and you know, some degree or another but there's no soccer practice or rehearsal that should ever make us delay our prayers. And if they are, then it definitely means we need to refocus. So that's really how we're going to be able to be successful inshallah, in all of our roles.

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Another question someone asked is, how do we raise our children in you know, to be how do we teach them this spirituality and, and how to be close to Allah subhanaw taala

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I think that one really important lesson we have to teach our children from the time they're very young is about the love of Allah. We unfortunately spend so much time teaching our children about the punishment of Allah, about Hellfire about all the things that are hot um, it's like it's like almost like we're using Allah subhanaw taala to control our children. And that is totally wrong. Because what you're doing is you're pushing your children away I mean, if your children are constantly hearing about this god that is just ready to you know out of the village just ready to worship to to punish them for anything or for everything because all they hear is how long how long

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how long it's not really very conducive to having a strong relationship with that creator or with that God and and some of these children just grow up and rebel because it's it's kind of like they've been taught about God as if as if God is the police you know and and the are like a big you know, bully out of the village just waiting to punish you because all these things are hot on and you know, you can do any anything fun is hot, um, and, and if you do it, you're going to go to hell. And this is just Subhana Allah, not how the prophets peace be upon them taught Islam. We know from the the Hadith where that were Ayesha explains that if the first things that were revealed, or do

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not drink alcohol or do not commit fornication, or illegal sexual intercourse, then everyone would have said, we will never give up these things we will never give up alcohol will never give up illegal sexual intercourse. If that was the first thing that was revealed, but it wasn't Allah subhanaw taala knows our nature. And you'll see when you study the seed on you study the the revelation, that the first thing that was revealed, was about the day of judgment about toe hade about the love of Allah subhanaw taala it was building the connection internally to Allah subhanaw taala before it spoke about how Rahman had before you know, alcohol was abolished many years later,

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before these things were, were taken away and you know, the, the, the the commandment of, of the hijab and all these other commandments, they came after the heart was already connected to Allah subhana wa tada and to tell hate, and to the Day of Judgment, this is how we have to raise our children. We need to teach them Yes, accountability, but we really need to emphasize the love of Allah subhanaw taala so that they actually want to please Allah subhanaw taala that they actually want to worship Him. And it isn't just because they're, they're trying to avoid, you know, burning in hell. Because what one of the problems too is, you know, sometimes when you you know, again, you

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put all of this negative pressure and and then a lot of kids just they get into a phase where they just want to rebel. I'm sick of all these rules, you know, we need to engender inside of the child the love for Allah, so that they want to worship Him. And you know, one example you can think of is just, you know, teaching them

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Allah is the one who made everything teaching them Allah is the one who gives you everything you have. teach them about Jenna. From the time they're very young, build the concept of gender in their mind. Let them know that all the Disneyland's and all the Disney worlds and the chuck e cheeses and all those things are nothing compared to Jenna. You know, they've seen these things. They've seen amusement parks, they've seen fun places to go, you can so they have something, you know, to latch on to. And then you can use that to to teach them that there's something better than all that. You know, one time my kids were having a conversation about agenda. And they were saying, one of them

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was we were like, yeah, in general, we can have we Oh, yeah, no agenda, we don't have to eat, you know, they hate eating. We don't have to eat anything. And the other one was like, except candy and cake and cook. You know, this is this, that's, that's the kid Gen F at that level, right? But at least you know, it's this concept of, of this amazing place, right? Where you can have whatever you want, in whatever form that happens to be at your particular age. But that's important that kids are, you know, everything they want, that they can't have. They they realize, well, in Jenna, you know, one day my son was like, he wants to become a baby again. So it's not really possible. So, you

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know, maybe in gender, you can do that, you know, so it's like, Okay, so then he's like, okay, so Can Can we go get dressed and go to gender now.

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It's says, you know, it's this place that they want to go and inshallah, that that's something that can, can grow in the child. That attachment, that there's something better than this life. It's so important. It's one of it's one of those things, one of the first things that were taught one of the first revelations, you know, when we look at how the revelation came, it's this, this this strong attachment, that there's a better life than this life, we look at what the hell well lately either such as malwa, doc or bucola Cola, while lF Hera to hiren, la kameena, Lula, you know that, that telling the profit, so I sell them from the very beginning, one of the early early revelations is

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that the next life is better than this life. This was something that was very much emphasized, we have to teach our children in this way to love the next life more than this life to love Allah subhanaw taala more than anything else, and not this, this, just this fear, you know, this these fear tactics. And ultimately, unfortunately, it's, it's, it's so that we can control our children, we want to them to do what we say. So we say Allah is going to get you if you don't, you know, or you're going to go to hell or it's hot on. And that isn't the way we teach them to really, really love Allah subhana wa tada and His Messenger shala. We'll take another short break now. And when we

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return, we'll be taking more questions from the chat box.

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So we we have a number of great questions,

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asking, you know, about how do you teach your children about her womanhood without upsetting them. And again, I think the key here is not really introducing so much, I mean, when a child is three and four and five, you know, that, that that's the time when you really need to be teaching them about a law that Allah is the one who made them, Allah is the one who made everything, you know, the other day, we had an earthquake and, and you know, the earth. It actually the earthquake actually woke us up, or woke me up from sleep. And my son was was next to me. And he, he's five, and he, he got up and he's like, he had never felt an earthquake before. But he said, I know what that was. That was

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an earthquake. Allah did that. And then he goes back to sleep. So it's like, he had to let me know what happened. But it's, it's it's letting them know, you know, letting them making them realize that Allah is the one who does everything, you know, the building the concept of Allah subhana wa, tada as the creator, the one who's in charge of everything, the one who gives them everything, every time they have something they like, connect it to Allah subhanaw taala. If you if you tell your children, you know, you suppose they have a grand, a grandparent who lives in another country, and they never see this grandparent, but every single day, the grandparent sends a gift, and you open up

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the gift every day and you give it to your child and you say, this is from your grandmother, and the next day, this is from your grandmother, and the next day, this is from your grandmother, what's going to happen even if that child never saw that grandmother, he's going to love that grandmother a lot. Because it's like there's this connection to these people.

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gifts that you have to this to this, you know, person that you don't see. And in the case of Allah subhanaw taala all of the all of the gifts that we have are from him making the child realize that before you need to tell them a hot almond had yes you teach them about what they should do and what they shouldn't do. But the you know, this emphasis on her arm her arm her arm, is is it oftentimes just backfires. You instead you you gradually you know you teach them age appropriate, you know things, but the key in the foundation is in the in the connection to Allah subhanaw taala the love of Allah subhanaw taala. And when that love is in place, and strong, it will necessitate fear

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because anytime you love someone, you do not want to displease them. Anytime you love someone, you are terrified, in fact of displeasing them. So it's a natural consequence of love. Fear is a natural consequence of love. When you really love someone, you do not want to let them down, you do not want to displease them, and you do not want to be separated from them. If you know that I if I, if I love someone, and I know that doing this action is going to make me never see that person again, or be disconnected from that person, I'm going to be very afraid of doing that action. And if we know that something we're doing, that's displeasing to Allah subhanaw that I could potentially make it so that

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I don't even see Allah subhanaw taala on the Day of Judgment, and I have no connection, he doesn't want to speak to me, that should really scare a person who loves Allah subhanaw taala. And that's the greatest fear in fact, is that is that disconnect that barrier between a person and Allah subhana wa Tada.

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So someone says, my six year old doesn't listen to me, I have to tell same thing repeatedly to make him to listen, I'm tired of doing this, I'm trying everything, and I feel so helpless at times. Finally, when I raise my voice on him, then he stops. I don't want to be loud, and I don't like it, I feel your pain.

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This this thing of repeating I hate to do that, too. And what what I found is that when the child realizes that you're going to repeat, then they realize they know that they have another 10 times before they have to listen. So I think actually, the key is to not repeat is that you say it once and you expect the result and if the result is not.

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So there's there's different ways of doing it, but you say it once and if it's not, you know, heated or if there's no result, then there's a particular maybe consequence, okay, you know, you this wasn't done. So this this or that, you know, maybe some some privilege will be taken it what it depending on the situation, but it's actually really important that you don't keep repeating, the child becomes used to that. And so it means Oh, I don't, I can totally tune out my, my mother or my father for the first nine times because I know she's going to repeat it 10 times. And and it's only when she starts to yell that I really have to listen. So the key is, don't yell and don't repeat,

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just say it once. And then they'll learn that when you don't listen the first time without yelling, that there are consequences. Secondly, is his positive reinforcement that you you'll give rewards for listening The first time you give them you know, depending on their age, you know, certain reward stickers, six, a six year old still appreciate stickers a lot, you you'll be surprised how much they appreciate stickers. So getting stickers, for example, and just saying, Okay, I'm going to give you a sticker every time you listen, the first time I say something, and you'll be again surprised how they'll do it. It is it is sometimes we just we tolerate things by just repeating it

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again and again. And that what we're what we're teaching the child is that it's okay that you didn't listen the first seven times because I'm just gonna keep saying it. So I think that

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that's one way that that works well. In terms. Okay, so someone else?

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Yeah. This is another key that that's that that's really important that someone mentioned is this idea of When do we start to really teach our children about a law? And when do we start to, you know, sometimes what happens is, there might be a child who never went to the masjid was never exposed really to Islam. Maybe it was just culture. And then they get in, the parents start to freak out a little bit once they get to be, you know, in their teenage years. And now they're like kind of forcing them to go to the masjid. And now you need to get involved because we don't want you to, you know, get involved with the wrong crowd now. And at that point, the kid rebels or maybe there was no

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you know, again, there was no teaching about Islam or religious again culture and then you get to a point and maybe they the parents want to impose hijab at a certain point. And I think that that that's what you know.

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Because it was not from the time they were young, that the child was much more likely to rebel, that now you're like forcing me to do this thing that I wasn't exposed to before I wasn't ever used to going to the question and now you're forcing me to go to the mesh, it is just really boring or whatever that you know, the feeling is, but it's important that you connect your child to the message from when they're young, it's important that you connect your child to quote and from when they're young, it's important that you, you make them know who allows this conversation about a lifespan of that it should be just a regular conversation that you have in the car that you you

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have, you know, when you're going to sleep, it's just, he it is a part of, of their of their life, from when they're young. When they get older, it's not going to be like surprise, now you're supposed to be practicing or surprised. Now you have to go to the machine, or you have to dress a certain way and act a certain way. Because now we're going to, you know, be embarrassed if you don't or, or or we're worried about something happening to you, it needs to be against something ingrained from one when they're very young. This is something we don't handle, we learn the story of the mother of medium, with the law and her and she, when she was pregnant, I mean, look at how early

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she's starting in, in this process. You when she's pregnant, even before the baby's born, she makes a vow to Allah subhanaw taala that she will, you know, this child will be for his sake. And, you know, she expected she was going to have a boy and ended up being a girl. But you know, the story here is that look at how early she's planning for this child that you know, even before the child is born, we need to really, you know, we need to start it early. And, and and try to instill this love for Allah Subhana Allah and His messenger from from early on.

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Someone says what is the best way to punish a child without raising your voice, or physically harming him in the least one of the ways

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you know, there's different again, you know, psychology has different, there's different theories. And there's different ways to motivate a person. There's, you know, there's the concept of punishment, and there's a concept of, so there's this positive reinforcement, there's negative reinforcement, but you you can find that, you know, when you go to your child, and there's like, basically, you know, there's two ways you can go about something, right, you want them to do something, you want them to put on their pajamas, okay, they're taking forever. So maybe you say you can do it in one of two ways. You could say,

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if you don't put on your pajamas, then you will such you know, X, Y and Z will happen. Okay, some some consequence. Or if you put on your pajamas in you know, this, this amount of time, you will have this reward. So you see how there's two ways to do it. And a, you know, sometimes it really, you'll even find that even the the reward can be even more effective. And I think that that's the better way to go. You can say that you can give them again, incentives. And another thing that that that, that I found works very well with children is giving them a time limit. You know, sometimes like counting is really works very well, a lot of times it's like, it's this idea is like I'll do it

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later, but it's like, no, I need you to put on your shoes in, you know, six seconds, and then you start and you start counting, so then they start getting up and doing it. But you know, sometimes if you just say it, they're waiting for you to say it another 10 times before they start moving. And you have to maybe raise your voice, but you just say it calmly you say it once and you start to count. And then you can even say that if you do you know, if you do put on your pajamas or you do do this thing, or whatever it is you want them to do. And, or something that you don't want them to do. You can say if you if you don't do this, you know, if you don't whine if you're if you're well

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behaved, then you're going to get this reward afterwards and use rewards. rewards are very, very motivating. For children. They're very motivating for adults as well. What is it that makes us get up early in the morning and go to work and work you know, eight hours a day come back do the same thing again the next day, every day of the year put you know, potentially

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with some you know, some vacation time of course, it's a reward called money, right? We do it because we're we are getting some reward. So rewards are definitely motivating for human beings. So you so doing that is is is is a good way to to change behavior, negative behavior as well as enforcing and encouraging positive behavior.

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Someone also asked I think a very important question is from the perspective of a child and this person said that they're having you know, that they want to get married and to preserve their chastity but their parents say that they know better for them. And that that they are not able to get married because their parents wants to find them someone from back home. Someone who doesn't. They don't even speak the same language as this person. And this is this is a common problem and a serious problem that we have unfortunately with the

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you know the difference in the second generation

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And children, you'll find that, you know, there's only so much you can do in these situations, is sometimes you cannot convince your parents to see things from from your perspective. But I would say this in terms of

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one thing that you do have in your hands and that you can do is the advice of the prophets, I send them who said that if you can get married, then do get married, but if you're not able to get married, then he recommended fasting. So it's, it's the advice of the prophets, I send them for a reason that this is what will help you to preserve your chastity if you're not able to get married, is you should fast. Another really important and unfortunately neglected

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advice, it's actually not just an advice, it's a commandment from God Himself. And that's lowering the gaze, we unfortunately expose ourselves expose our eyes, and expose our ears to things which are hot on things, which not only are they hot on them, and they put black spots on our hearts, but they also ignite passion inside of the person and ignite those those emotions and and that desire inside of the person. And as and then there's no outlet. And that's extremely, no, there's a reason why Allah is saying to lower the gaze, it is a protection for for you, it's a protection for your, for your, for your heart, it's also a protection for your chastity. So keeping that in mind of lowering

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the gaze not to look at the things which are hot on, which are naturally going to ignite that desire. And then there isn't an outlet, so it creates obviously, a serious problem. And the second advice is that too fast that the Prophet sly send them gave us that this is this is the way to, to to, you know, if you're not able to get married to to help with that,

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you know, controlling the or cooling that that desire and being able to, to refocus. You know, the thing is about fasting, as we know, now in Ramadan is it makes you so that you're more able to focus on the spiritual realm because the physical realm is sort of cut off, you're not eating, you're not drinking, there's no intimacy, even with a spouse during the day. So it's just you know, you're you're able to now because you don't have those other focuses those other distractions, you're able to focus on your, your, your internal self, right your, your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala that that's one of the best ways to deal with that situation of not being able to get married, you

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know, as quickly as you would want to also continue to make da Allah subhanaw taala as the one who can make a way out of any situation for you. If you fear Allah, as Allah subhanaw taala says, may Allah Jalla Maharajah Why are the human hydrolat sm whoever fears Allah He will always make a way out for him and provide him from places he never imagined. If you really make a law, your focus, you follow the advice of the prophets I send them in lowering your gaze and in fasting, and, and fear Allah, you know, Fear Allah in your chastity, Fear Allah subhanaw taala and, and keep making door to Him, He will make a way out for you he will, He will make a way out of this, this seemingly

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impossible situation and he will provide for you from places that you never imagined. So you might think that you know, you don't know where this spouse will come from your parents want one thing you want something else a law can provide you from a place you never imagined. And both you and your parents could could be happy. So Allah subhanaw that it can do all of that. Just seek Allah subhanaw taala and and fear him in how you behave and how you how you act and in what you're looking at, and inshallah continue with fasting and that will that will help you in sha Allah and strengthen you.

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Someone says a speaks about fasting. It's, it's it's difficult, especially when you're around people who are not or who don't understand. Definitely, your company is very important. We we know that

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we know that, you know, good company is is something that that strengthens your heart and bad companies is like a poison for the heart. So it is important that you are if you can, sometimes it's unavoidable but as much as you can to to be around the company that is supportive and does remind you of Allah subhanaw taala someone asks How can a child forgive his parent who has wronged his brothers verbally and emotionally abandoning that abandoning them? Even though the parent is partially active in his brother's life, there is still that anger

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You know, when when people harm us or people wronged us or people wrong those around us in

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The, the easiest way to forgive is one

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is just to realize that that person,

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you know, is is flawed and is weak. And as human beings, we all have flaws and weaknesses and kind of the more that you can empathize in the sense of, not to justify what happened, but to, but to sort of, you know, make dua for the person, you know, that Allah subhanaw taala strengthen them and against their own self, you know, if you see somebody, and they're behaving in a way that's just really horrible, we should actually feel sorry for that person, because they have been, you know, enslaved by their, by their neffs, or by shaitan. You know, like, how would you feel if you saw a person who was in chains, and who was not only in chains, but was behind bars, you know, you look at

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that person, and you just, you would feel sorry for them, because they're, they're so trapped, and they're so enslaved, and there's, you know, you're seeing somebody who's who's in a prison. And that's really how we should see those, those those people who are behaving in that way. Again, it's not to justify but it's to, it's to have some sort of mercy in the sense that they are actually harming their own self. First and foremost, when you when you're harming another person, you're actually harming yourself most. And that person is really, the one who's who's mistreating another person is is is not only enslaved, but it's also harming themselves. So I would say you know, you

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make to offer that person and you feel a sense of mercy towards them, that they are only harming them, you know, they're harming that their own self, first and foremost, and they're, they're imprisoned, they're imprisoned by something that doesn't want good for it, you know, for them, that shaitan does not want good for them and their nest is not one good for them, though they're enslaved to those things. And we were the other aspect is is looking at our internally at our own selves and, and how much we ourselves are also flawed, and how much we ourselves also wrong others and how much we ourselves also, dis dis disobeyed Allah subhanaw taala and sin against a law when we humble

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ourselves in that way and see ourselves and how desperate we are for the forgiveness of Allah subhanho data, it becomes a lot easier to forgive others. We ask Allah subhanaw taala to to reward and and help all the parents out there and to rectify their affairs and for the children as well and to and all those people who are struggling with their with their families that are less upon without or rectify their affairs and give them patients a huning Connie Heather will stop for a Lani Welcome innovaphone rakeem sapan nikolova hem dekhna shadow and that Allah Allah and istockphoto corner to wear a corset Armani come to LA he will barakato