Serenity – My Marriage Is Falling Apart What Do I Do

Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

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Assalamu alaikum This is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio.

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I pray that Alhamdulillah I pray that you all are having a blessed Ramadan yesterday was the 27th night and we ask Allah subhanaw taala to accept from all of us are fasts and RPMs and our prayers in our class, we are asking today again for your help. And today's topic, I also is extremely relevant I think in our communities it's it's, it's something that a lot of people do communicate to me personally, I've gotten many, many numerous messages about the topic of relationships and what you know, what happens when when a person's married life is not working out or their their marriage is falling apart. So, inshallah we will be talking about this, this important topic today, we will also

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be opening up the lines for you, I want to begin today's show, by actually sharing with you sort of a really important cause that I that I want to ask you inshallah, to support we at one legacy radio, are, we are a nonprofit, and we are completely supported by, you know, listeners like you. And you know, right now we we are we have a goal of, you know, we need membership and the membership is really what what's going to drive this project and it cannot survive without this membership support for one legacy radio support for infocus News, which is the, the newspaper arm of this of this media project, Muslims need a voice in media. And if, you know, if you have benefited from one legacy

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radio, from infocus news, we really really need to continue this effort, it's extremely important that we support it, the the donations, the membership, it what it will do is it actually ends up paying for you know, sustaining the radio station paying for research, you know, to to in you know, so that reporters can research their topics, so that we can you know, they can pay the the the bills, the rent that all of these things are paid by the the listenership and by the donations, without this, you know, the radio station cannot sustain itself, we asked you to click on the VLC above the the player, the the button that says become a member, we ask you to to become members and

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support this radio station. And also to call in we want to hear from you actually, before we jump into the very serious topic of today, we want to hear from you about you know, any any experiences you've had with one legacy radio, either serenity or any other show or infocus News, how has it affected your life? You know, how have you personally benefited from this, this service and we hope that inshallah it can continue, the number to call is 714-988-8182. And again, we ask you to call in we want to hear from you, you know, how has one legacy radio affected you? You know, let us know let us hear your voice. We need your support. We want to hear from you. We want to know what suggestions

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you have for future shows and and you know other topics that you'd like to discuss.

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Again, we are a nonprofit, all donations are tax deductible. And and so we ask you, you know, if you if you if you can donate, donate generously, become a member, we need the you know, the membership is extremely important for consistency so that, that we can continue to provide the service. And keep in mind that right now, everything is free on one legacy radio we provide. We provide free podcasts, you know, in the past there, there was a cost for the podcast, it is absolutely free. Now all the recordings are available online. And you can even download them for free. Listen for free, everything is free for our listeners. But in order to keep it free, we need your support. We have we

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have a goal and we really really need to reach that goal or you know we face the the the possibility of not of not being able to continue this

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Again, is a, it is a project driven by you by the listener and we want to continue to have these things be free. And we are hoping to get at least 75 new members yesterday, we did not reach our goal and we hope to reach our goal today. inshallah, with your help, again, you just click on become a member and please do call in we want to hear from you the number is 714-988-8182 How has one legacy radio affected you is if you know what what have you benefited from one legacy radio, what suggestions do you have, please do call in we would like to hear from you. And and and just show your support for one legacy radio. inshallah, we will

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go ahead and let me go ahead and actually write the number in the chat box as well. Some people may not have caught it, it's 714-988-8182.

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Okay.

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Now one of the I just want to, you know, kind of just emphasize again, why is it so important to have an effort like this, why is it so important to have Muslim media, as you know, the media is extremely important in terms of shaping the the views of society towards Muslims, and also shaping the views of, of Muslims themselves about themselves, you know, the, the, the concept of, of our self concept are, how we view our own Deen how we view our own selves is, is shaped by what we are seeing and hearing in the media. And it's extremely important that we have a place as Muslims as well, that where we can, you know, get that, you know, that that sense of, of self and without it

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being consequent without being constantly bombarded, you know, with with this feeling of self hate, because of the things that we see on, you know, on the news, or maybe some of the very slanted media that that we have, and we need to have that voice we need to have that voice for, for us as, as Muslims, we need to have that voice for for the non Muslim community as well. We are experiencing a time right now, with really unprecedented Islamophobia, Islam is is you know, really, really being targeted in the United States and, and other other places around the world. You know, we have experienced, you know, each each time you read the news, you'll find, you know, unfortunately,

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another

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act, sometimes these are hate crimes. We know recently about the messenger that was burned down, these things are directly related to how Muslims and Islam are portrayed in the media, if we don't have a voice. In most in the media, if we don't have a Muslim voice, if we don't have a platform for Muslims, then you know, these things may may continue to happen, we need to have that voice. And we need to continue to support these efforts. So someone writes, I listened to serenity very regularly, even for more taneous nine hours different from the US and is the only Muslim media I'm regular with. Thank you so much for being here, very happy about the free podcast that helps us enormously.

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Thank you for your support. Muslim 21. And, you know, this is this really is something that I mean, I had many, many people contact me about the podcasts when they were not free. And people really looking for these, this is something you know, if you if you're not able to listen live, you can always go back and, and access the podcast, this is a service that we have for you. But in order to continue to have this, we need to, we need to support this effort, we need to support, you know, the efforts of creating this Muslim media platform and continuing to have it free. lemmya says, I listened to serenity because the content is relevant to aspects of my daily life and hamdulillah

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it's changed the way I approach my prayer, fasting, dealing with my family and friends, and hamdulillah that is, that's wonderful. And that's exactly why shows like serenity are so important is because it really is intended to be a space where we can discuss real issues, discuss real, you know, problems that we're facing real issues on the ground, and discuss them from a different lens, inshallah, than then we might normally talk about them, or that we might normally look at them through. And that's the lens of, of, of taqwa, the lens of God consciousness of tau hate. This is an revolutionary lens, that if we see everything in our life through that lens, it looks very, very

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different. And we have to realize that the way in which we see our life is

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Completely, is directly related to the type of lens that we have. And shows like serenity, on one legacy radio are intended for just that, it's, they are intended to provide that lens to provide that service for people who don't have, you know, somewhere else to go necessarily, you know, one of the, the repeated themes that I've, that I've seen in the messages that I that I receive, is that I don't know where else to go, I don't, I don't have another person I can go to, and, and it's just this repeated theme of not having this place where you can go and you can share these problems, sometimes it has to do with, you know, not wanting people, you know, obviously, people sometimes

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don't feel comfortable, sometimes there are not places where, you know, you can you even you don't even have that service, or you don't feel comfortable going. And so there's just this consistent problem of not having that, that space, and we hope that that we can provide just a small piece of that space, but we need your support for that. And to continue that.

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Someone asks,

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How can I share this on Facebook, I actually not able to contribute through money, but want to share with friends, so that some of them may be able to donate, and thank you very much for mentioning that, because this is actually very, very true. If you are not able to, to,

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to support financially, yourself, please, please, at least do share it with others, if you are able to become a member, please become a member and please do share it with your friends, we really want to contain out continue to sustain one legacy radio, and without your support, it cannot continue in the services that we have cannot continue, we can't keep having you know, the free podcast, we we won't be able to sustain it, you know, unfortunately, everything has to be sustained. And so we need your support to do that. So please do ask your friends to become members to support this effort and realize that this is a you know, the best time to be giving this type of charity, Allah subhanaw

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taala You know, this is the month of Ramadan, this is the last 10 days, and we know that our deeds in this month are multiplied more than any other time. The prophets I send them told us that one of the three things that continue to benefit us even after we pass away is a sadaqa jariya This is a charity money that we give or, or something that we give, that continues to benefit people even after we've passed away. And and so this is your opportunity to really take advantage of that and inshallah, you know, provide that, that, that space for yourself in your own grave, by making the intention that I'm going to support this this effort for your sake, Oh ALLAH and, and this is

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something that will not I mean, this is this is the real investment, you know, we go and we put our money and we invest our money, but this really is the real investment. Because not only will it continue to benefit people through you know, inshallah, in the future, but it will continue to benefit you when you need it most in your grave. So we ask you to please you know, donate and to share it with your friends. Someone says it's my first time here and Subhanallah I never knew that in a Semak radio was being offered, inshallah, I will pass on the message. And I'm the lab please do pass on the message we need your support. And it is it's something that's you know, it's it's very

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much a pioneer in its field, we don't have this, this we know where is this Muslim voice and media It is, it is very much unheard. And so this is this is something we need to keep alive. And we need to strengthen and we need your support to do that. Someone says I listened to serenity

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regularly. And you know, this is and this is the thing that that you know, this month, we've we've also provided this daily shows and that's also something that that we cannot do without your support that we have this daily content and and and talking about issues and sharing and creating a platform for you also to interact with with others. You know, Pamela we find that when you look at the chat box, you'll find people from all over the world and it's it just becomes sort of like one family the world becomes a lot smaller. It's a panel line, this is a really a place where people can come and they and they can share with others and also they you know people give each other advice you know, I

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I see like on the chat box someone will be you know, presenting a problem and someone else across the world will present a solution and it's really a it's an amazing sort of this this bond that people just create through this through this effort. So we you know, we we hope that inshallah we can sustain it.

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Okay, so someone says, Thank you. serenity helped me to change my perspective in a lot of things, especially difficulty and loss. I'm thrilled to see so many new listeners Personally, I enjoy the frank discussion, the openness, the sharing

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The real talk that addresses the issues we are dealing with in our daily lives and hamdulillah and you know, this is exactly what we hope to do and what we hope to continue to do inshallah.

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See, okay, so inshallah, what we will do now, before we go to break, his will, inshallah, please do continue to share the membership and continue to, to, to chime in on the chat box, we we want to talk today about these real issues. And that's what serenity does. That's what one legacy does, that's what we're here to do is to discuss these real issues and, and one of those real issues is, you know, that the the problems that do arise in marriage, the prophets, I seldom told us that marriage is half of our Deen. And sometimes when we hear this Hadith, I think we don't fully understand the the, the deep meaning behind it. Sometimes I think we think that when you when you

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get married, you know, as soon as you get married, you've you've completed half your deen in the sense that now you're done. Right? The the hard work was in finding the husband or finding the wife and, and now and now we're done. Now we're married. And kind of the hard work ends there. As it as though as if marriage is sort of a destination that you get to you know, you work, since you're really little, you're dreaming about the wedding, you know, or, or you're thinking about, oh, who am I going to marry and you know, kind of daydreaming about it, and you're and then you get a little older and you're searching for the person who's kind of this, this this struggle, right? And you're

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this path that you're taking and, and then you know you get there, right? And it's like it's it's a destination that you get to get there. And this is absolutely not the way marriage really is. Marriage in and of itself is not an end it's not a destination, but marriage is the path and it's one of the paths to Allah subhanaw taala when when we say that marriage is half of Deen, half of our Deen you complete half your deen and you see that how marriage becomes once you once you become married. You see how marriage becomes a means to complete your deen it becomes a path to seek Allah subhanaw taala among other paths, and that's important also to note, because sometimes people make

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marriage the the ultimate end. And what that does is now if you if for some reason you're unable to get married, or for some reason you're divorced, or you, you know, you're no longer married, there's this idea that I that I haven't, I haven't really completed my purpose yet. And that and that really needs to change, we need to understand that marriage is a way to seek Allah subhanaw taala marriage isn't my end in and of itself. I wasn't born in order to get married. You know, Allah subhanaw taala created me to worship him to serve him. And he gave me ways to do that. And one of the ways to do that is is, is through marriage. Just like one of the ways to do that is through praying, just like

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one of the ways to do that is to fasting. One of the ways is through marriage. So marriage is supposed to be work. It's supposed to be a path itself. It's, it's not somewhere you you know, you you arrived, and now you're in Jenna, and now it's just, you know, kind of the story ends there. That's what happens in the fairytale. The story ends at marriage, a story ends at the wedding, and you don't really see what happens after that. But but but the reality is that the story actually begins at marriage. That's where the, the path, you know, a new path begins and a new struggle, it is a struggle, it is work it is it is a bad if done in the right way. It is a bad day, it is

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worship. Everything that we do, can be an act of worship, if it is done for Allah sake. And marriage is one of those things, we have to view it in that way. We don't get married in order for someone to now serve us. You know, that's one of the problems too is this idea. The reason when you ask a person, why are you getting married, and most of the time, the idea is I'm getting married, because I want this person to make me happy. And that becomes the goal. The goal becomes, I'm marrying you, because I need you to serve me and I need you to serve me happiness, I need you to fill this emptiness that I have inside of me, I have a hole and I need you to fill it. And that's a very, very

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dangerous way to go into anything, let alone a relationship that's supposed to last, you know in sha Allah till the hereafter. It's a very dangerous way to go into it, because for a number of reasons, one that is not the purpose of marriage is not the ultimate purpose of marriage. The ultimate purpose of marriage is not that this person is going to serve you happiness this person is going to make you happy. The ultimate purpose of marriage is also not to be filled. My emptiness, my my this this hole inside of me cannot be filled by any other person. This

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hole inside me this emptiness cannot be filled by my spouse. And the reason it cannot be filled by my spouse is it was a hole that was created by God for God and it can only be filled by him, it cannot be filled by my spouse, it cannot be filled by my money it cannot be filled by my career cannot be filled by my job and it cannot be filled by my status. The only thing that can fill me is Allah subhanaw taala if I go to the creation with an emptiness and I expect the creation to fill me I will always come back more empty. This is just a rule and and so one of the problems I think just just at the root level in our relationships, marriage as well as within our families and our friends

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that we're going to these people in our in our lives to fill our emptiness we go to them because I'm empty and I need you to fill me I'm sad and I need you to make me happy. And And And when we do that, we come back even more empty and inshallah we will continue this discussion we will continue the the member drive and inshallah we asked you to support after this short break. We will continue to also take calls

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Assalamu alaikum This is Yasmin metalhead and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio

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hamdulillah we have a lot of people joining on on the chat box. I someone says I just became a member. I may not listen all the time, but what you said about Southern Nigeria makes sense. I hope I can help keep this radio online and that we all benefit from it inshallah Baraka Luffy May Allah bless you, amen. This is this is exactly the the the response that we need, we need people who are looking to help others who are looking to benefit others and and and to benefit themselves inshallah, in their graves. This is a charity that inshallah will continue to benefit people we need to keep one legacy radio online, we need to continue and grow this effort. So we asked you to please

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become a member, please do support this this effort and ask your friends and family to support it. This is one of a kind This is not, you know, this isn't something that you find all over that there is a radio station for Muslims for the Muslim voice, a newspaper for the Muslims for the Muslim voice. This is something we need to support of all the things we need to support. This is really one of the most important because it really provides a platform for our airmen to grow are he meant to grow our relationships to grow our communities, this is extremely crucial. We need to support this we need to ask others to support this. You can become a member the button is right on the top above

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the player become a member and when you do become a member in fact you are also you are also supporting other very very beautiful causes when you become a member. When you pay $10 a month membership. One legacy radio and infocus news will actually plant a tree on your behalf so that the the South Africa is even beyond the support for the radio station itself. Those who are have the $25 a month membership you'll have a tree planted in your behalf and and you'll also be receiving a T shirt and $50 a month you'll have a tree planted on your in your behalf. There's a tote bag and a T shirt and $100 a month that you'll have the treat the tote the the tree planted in your on your

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behalf that tote bag, serve water and you will also we will also feed a family on your behalf. So there is you know you're giving back not only to the radio station but also to those in need. inshallah, through your through your support.

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Someone says I listened to one legacy.

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I listened to one legacy from work Alhamdulillah for having this show. The best thing about this program is listeners can ask questions or email as a female. Since I can't reach imams in messages. It was hard for me to get questions, answers for my questions, and hamdulillah and that's exactly what we want to do is provide that platform. We do have an open email for you to ask your questions. We have been taking your questions and addressing your issues on on the air. The email is serenity at one legacy radio.com that's serenity at one leg

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See radio.com. And,

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you know, so this is this is this is where you can write, you can write your questions into the to the email, you can write your questions in the chat box. And you can also call in. So, so someone has asked,

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someone has said, I'm not married, so I could be totally wrong. But it seems to me that there's a trend of taking marriages more lightly considering divorce easily compared to a last resort. I've seen.

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So, so yeah, this person has said, so I've seen that, that as compared to the, you know, just just get through it, kind of kind of attitude that we used to have. So, so, you know, I think this is a good point. And,

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you know, this is I think there's there's definitely these these sort of different extremes. And one of the things that that the, you know, the listener is pointing out is, there may be the Yes, that attitude nowadays, that, that it's kind of an easier route, and, and maybe it's too easy, of not necessarily sticking in, in the marriage. But I think that on the other hand, there's also the other extreme, which we may have seen in our parents generation, and that's a stick through no matter what and, and there, and when I say stick through no matter what, unfortunately, what that what that tended to mean is, if something is bad, we don't even try to fix it. But we just kind of just accept

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it and sort of, you know,

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sort of, sort of pretend like it isn't there, or just, you know, look away. And, and that isn't the solution, either. And I think we have to find that, that balance in between. And I think it's the correct descemet balance that we we are committed, but we are also committed to making things right and making things good, and not just accepting something as broken, and just say it's broken, and it is what it is. But there's not enough, I think resources, as well, as you know, there's not enough resources, you know, for those who are struggling with, with marital problems and family problems. But there's also this this taboo this issue, it's kind of considered very taboo to even seek that

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help, you know, and, and that in and of itself needs to change. Because it's so important that it's not just about, you know, keeping the family together, but it's about how are they together, and if you're together, and it's and it's an unhealthy, abusive situation, you're not doing anyone any favors, and in fact that that has that, that that is hurting the children, and perhaps even hurting them more than if, if that family was not together. So being in a bad situation, doesn't necessarily mean it's better. So what we have to be doing is be continue to be committed to to the family and to the marriage, but at the same time, not be passive about trying to make things better, and trying to

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if there is a problem, that we try to take the steps to fix it. And I think that that's really where we need to to find the balance.

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Someone says Santa Monica, I used to have severe depression when I used to cry for no reason and at times, wanted to just drive my car off a cliff with my kids in it. But one day, I turned to olr by my husband's advice and listened to serenity. Wow. Listen to serenity instantly, the music on the background was soothing the voice

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this got cut off.

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Yeah, that's intense. So it's upon a lot. I'm hoping that there was a happy ending to this. inshallah we'll get the rest of the message here somewhere. But But yeah, it you know, it's a panelist serenity. The The point here is, is actually that and, you know, it's, these are issues, we're dealing with these issues, sometimes there's a great deal of frustration, and we don't have a way, you know, place to go. There is, you know, depression, people dealing with these issues. And, and we want to make a space, you know, not only do we make a space to discuss it, but make a space where people understand that they're not alone. Sometimes you feel very isolated in your depression

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are very isolated in your frustration in your pain. And when you realize that other people are going through what you're going through, and that there is a way out, it really gives people a lot of hope. One person says My husband has put his family's needs before me has taken me for granted, and really hasn't understood the true meaning of a wife. We had a huge fight that was the needle that killed the camel's back. So he tried to get me back with everything in his mind. My father was very harsh on him.

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I think that this brings up an important point.

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And that is, you know, the the involvement of the in laws and it really is a topic in and of itself. It really needs you know, it's a huge topic and it needs to be discussed, but just just sort of to touch upon that topic.

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One problem I have seen across the board, one of the most common causes of rift in within the marriage is this issue of, of maybe not being just between the wife or husband and the in laws or the family. And this is something that is extremely important to be unjust between, you know, for example, sometimes what what I, what I've seen a lot is that the life might feel that she's sort of a second priority, a third or fourth priority to the husband's family, the mother, the siblings, etc. And, and this really, really tears families apart, this tears marriages apart, if there's any, I think, really advice to give someone when they are getting married, is just be very, very mindful

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of this concept of justice, this concept of balance, be very careful to give everyone their right. And it's important to understand that just like the mother has rights, the wife also has rights. And, and the wise person will never, you know, choose one over the other, but always give each person there, right and make them feel that they are indeed a priority. And there aren't these other, you know, when you get married, the idea is that you're, you know, you're it's one unit, the two of you are, you know, kind of become part of that partnership. And then it's, it's now that partnership or that unit, kind of than against the world. And when I say against the world, that

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doesn't mean that you're going to be opposing others, but there needs to be that sense of unity within the, the the marriage itself, oftentimes what what I see is that there isn't that, that cohesion within the marriage itself. And in fact, and instead, it becomes, perhaps the husband and his family kind of against the wife, and the wife is sort of separate. And that's not the way that that, you know, that's not how it should be. That's not how it's designed, that the marriage, the marital structure is supposed to be the husband and the wife together as a unit. And then they move together, they support each other, you don't, you know, cut down one and you know, with in front of

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others, you don't, you know, when Allah subhanaw taala says that you are garments for each other, this is a covering on our protection, we have to we have to have each other's back, you know, and, and if there's a fault in one, in one or the other, you don't expose that you don't, you don't take someone else's, you don't you don't take someone else's side against your spouse, you know, these are things that you have to be very, very mindful of, and, and never make it. You know, never make the person feel that, again, that they're, you know, very low on the list of priorities. At the same time that you should continue to give, obviously, your family their rights, no one, no one should

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ever take away the rights of one's family. But it's very important that we become educated in the rights of the wife and the husband, so that we don't get in a situation where we are, we are sort of depriving someone of the rights because islamically that's a very serious oppression, in any sense is very serious. So we have to be careful that we know what is the right of my wife? And am I really fulfilling that right?

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Okay, so

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a lot of questions regarding this this issue.

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My fiance wants to leave our relationship, because he found out that I talked about our relationship with my friends. And I had said stuff about him while I was angry, and now he wants to leave the engagement, because he doesn't trust me. I have been asking Him to forgive me every day, but he won't let it.

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Well, this, this, this brings up an important point. And it has to do with again, the issue of garments, that you know, your garments for each other, and you're supposed to be covering up each other's faults. It is important when we when we this is something that we're you know, that one is going to have to deal with throughout the marriage, there are problems are going to arise. And the question is, how am I going to deal with it? And that's something you're going to have to think about and really, really reflect about and talk between the two of you, how are we going to deal with conflict? It's it's not useful to just assume that there will be no conflict and you know, have

00:34:24--> 00:34:59

no you know, that okay, you know, just just be passive about it, there will be conflict. And the question is, how are we going to then approach it and how are we going to deal with it. And one of the, the sort of knee jerk reactions on Unfortunately, sometimes is just, you find your friend you find you know, the nearest person to you, you just just unload, right? And you just just say everything to them, and you just talk and this can be very problematic for a number of reasons. One of the reasons is the person you're talking to, may be, you know, maybe a good friend, maybe someone that you you know, you talk to

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A lot through, you know, maybe a very close friend. But oftentimes what happens is the person you're talking to isn't going to help you out for real, really help you out. And I'll tell you why. Most of the time, if we call up a girlfriend, or, or if you know, a man calls up his friend, or family member, and you say, my husband or my wife did XYZ to me, most probably they're not going to give you a sort of unbiased, balanced answer and give you a solution. But instead, they're going to take your side. And they're going to be like, Oh, you know, like, how could they do that? Man, that's really messed up. And, and and what is that going to do for you now, it's only going to make you

00:35:38--> 00:36:19

more angry. And it's only going to potentially make the matters worse, when when someone is just sort of on, you know, just egging you on, in a sense, and it's just creating, it's putting more fuel to the fire. And it's not actually helping you to resolve the issue. So it's very important that we are careful with whom we seek advice, from whom we seek advice, with whom we speak about these issues to, it's important to that we're not just unloading, because that can just be backbiting. And there is a line again, and we have to find the balance. Sometimes people go to the other extreme and say, Well, I can never seek help, because that would be backbiting. Well, that's not that's not

00:36:19--> 00:36:55

true. Either. We, we know we can seek we can we can talk about a problem. But we have to be careful why we're talking about it and to whom we're talking about it. If we're going to talk about a problem to a counselor, or to you know, someone who's trained in order to help, or someone that you really trust will be able to give you you're going to them actually to get you know, very solid, sincere advice, not just someone who's going to egg you on, like you did when you were in, you know, grade school, when someone you know, hurts you when you go to your friend, and they're like, oh, man, you know, like, I'll beat him up, right? Like, it's, that's not what you really need, that's

00:36:55--> 00:37:31

going to be beneficial at this point. And if that's all you're getting, you're just shooting yourself in the foot, you're just hurting yourself in your relationships, and it can get in the realm of backbiting it, it's, it's something that would definitely hurt the other person, but it also hurts your relationship and ultimately ends up hurting you. So being very careful. how you approach the problem and how you respond who you go to for advice is extremely important. And what are your intentions, and if you find the right person, and you're going with the right intention, inshallah, that person won't be just telling you, Oh, you're right, and that person is wrong,

00:37:31--> 00:38:09

because that's not useful. It's not going to help you solve anything, the one who really is going to help you is the one who's going to tell you what you can change, and what you need to change, because you become powerless. When you say, the problem is that the other person, there's nothing that I need to change. And unless that person changes, nothing will change. Well, now you've actually given all the power to that person, and you have no more power to even change the situation or adjust the situation anyway. So it's extremely important that we we look at this these conflicts from from the lens of what should I change? What can I do, of course, the given here is where I'm

00:38:09--> 00:38:51

not talking about abusive situations, I really need that to be emphasized. We should never ever be passive about abusive situations, we should never internalize the blame for abusive situations. What we're talking about here is just regular conflict that comes up in any relationship, not abusive situations in an abusive situation. The last thing you need to do is internalize the blame. The blame is not It's not your fault that this person has has an anger problem, it's not your fault that this person is abusing you. And that's a whole different situation that needs to be addressed properly. But but we're talking now about you know, the again, the regular type of conflict, you

00:38:51--> 00:39:06

know, and how and where you go for advice is extremely, extremely important. We will take another short break now, and when we return inshallah, we will be able to take your calls in a few minutes. And the number again is 714-988-8182.

00:39:40--> 00:39:59

Salam Alaikum. This is Yasmin majah heads and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are national law, a lot of participation today. We we are asking for you to show your support. We are talking today about the question the title of today's today's topic.

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Is my marriage is falling apart, what do I do, and in order to continue to have shows like this in order to continue to have this platform where people can come and ask their questions and share their grievances and and and inshallah get support, which sometimes is lacking sometimes people don't feel that they have a place that they can go but in order to continue to do this and to provide this service, we need your support we are we we need we are a nonprofit organization and we are driven completely by donations. And we're asking for your membership, if you can please share, share this, this, this appeal with with your friends and family become a member by clicking at the

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top button above the player. Your membership is what drives this radio station, what drives this effort, and it's something that's so absolutely needed. As you can see, these types of these types of platforms are just unfortunately lacking in our communities, we need to support we need to grow these things we need to to really strengthen these efforts. So in sha Allah, please do support and realize that your support for this effort in sha Allah for you will be a sadhaka jatiya it will be a charity that continues to benefit other people, and therefore continue to benefit you even in your own grave, even after you've passed away. This is one of those things in sha Allah, Allah, that

00:41:21--> 00:42:03

falls in the category of those efforts that continue those deeds that continue to benefit a person even after they pass away and realize that once we die, once we leave this earth, nothing is going to continue to benefit us we can continue to do good deeds, except those who planted these seeds in this life. One of those seeds is a charity that continues to benefit others, let this be your charity, you know that you that you support this type of effort and it can continue to help those in need to help strengthen the men of our of our oma, this is what we want to do. We want to provide services to support those who are suffering the people who are who don't know where else to go,

00:42:03--> 00:42:40

inshallah we want to make a place for them to come. And you know, you'll see once you join the chatbox and the discussion, it's it's it just becomes like an international family. We have people from all over the world. And you know, one person he, you know, presents a problem, you have like five people presenting some solutions, it's it really is, it's a place for people to come together and we hope that we can support and continue to have this effort. We are speaking today about this question of marriage. And we we are able now to take your calls, please do call in show your support for the radio station. You know, let us know how has this you know has this service helped you? What

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has it done for you in your life personally, serenity or any of our shows on one legacy? The number again is 714-988-8182 that's 714-988-8182 we want to hear your voice. We want to hear for you from you about you know what what is your experience with one legacy and any suggestions you have for the future of one legacy?

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So we have you know a number of questions. One person says, I have let one rejection rejection take over me his mother won't let him marry someone who is not an Arab, please speak on this issue does echolocate them

00:43:19--> 00:44:05

so you have this issue quite commonly the the issue of nationality and it becoming a barrier A lot of us our parents came from from overseas to other countries United States and other countries and so we meet you know there's there's an international sort of pot of Muslims here are where we're living. But But you know, our families sometimes want us to marry within our ethnic group or within our nationality. This is a real issue. And I'm what I would say is we have to see this issue from a different lens, sometimes we are not able to get things that we want. And what we have to be able to do ultimately, you know, at the end of the day, is step back and really look at the situation and

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realize that ultimately I might really really want something very badly. I might love something very much. But Allah subhanaw taala knows best. And it may not be good for me. Allah reminds us in the Quran, that it may be that you hate something and it is good for you. And it may be that you love something and it is bad for you Allah knows and you do not know this a it should give us comfort to realize that those things which I've tried everything in my power to get, but it just didn't work out. That is the will of Allah subhanaw taala. And it may be that that thing was not good for me. I have to be willing to let go of things. realizing this. It is sometimes very difficult. But the

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problem that we face is that we hold on to the wrong things at times. It's okay

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to want to marry someone, it's okay to be, you know, to have a preference obviously. But our problem is we hold so tight to certain things, and we become so attached and so dependent on on a certain outcome. And instead of holding on to a law, instead of holding on to what his head, we we hold on to, you know, this particular type of outcome and this particular person in this case, and, and what we don't realize is we may be hurting our own selves, and maybe Allah subhanaw taala has something else better for us, it hurts to not get what we want. But if we realize that sometimes Allah with holds in order to give, that Allah may not give us what we want, but it's because he's giving us

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something better. And, and this, this takes a lot of this takes a lot of trust, it takes a lot of faith to really be able to see that, you know, you, you might be able to write the story in a different way. But Allah is the best writer, right, Allah subhanaw taala is the one who wrote it in the best way for us. And we should be able to see that and letting go is really key stepping back, and really just what is my ultimate purpose anyways, my ultimate purpose is not to marry person x, my ultimate purpose isn't even to get married at all, my ultimate purpose is to reach a law. And if there's a different path that Allah knows best to reach him, then that's the path, you know, that I

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want whatever path, you know, this is what we have to reset, what is our goal, we have to reset what is our ultimate destination. And whatever path is going to take us there in the best and quickest way. That's the path we want. And a lot sometimes, you know, Allah knows that there's a particular path that isn't good for us, maybe that path is going to take us away from our destination. Maybe there's another path that's better for us. That's what we want. But we need to step back and refocus, widen the lens, we get so narrow in our lens, we get so narrow, and I want this and I see nothing outside of it, we need to step back and widen the lens and see the bigger picture really,

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that bigger picture is, I have a place that I'm trying to go. And if this car isn't going to take me, I'll take a different car, right? If one vehicle, you know breaks down, that's okay. Because that vehicle is not my destination. It's just a car. And if one marriage didn't work out, if one person didn't work out, then maybe there's something else. Maybe there's something better Allah knows best. What What is the best path to him? This is extremely important to understand. And it's part of our, of tasting the sweetness of a man, there's a hadith where the prophets I send them says that no, no one will taste the sweetness of a man, you will not taste the sweetness of a man until

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you realize that whatever has passed you by was never meant to be for you. And whatever has befallen you was never meant to pass you by. It's so crucial that we understand this. Allah subhanaw taala knows best. And we ask Allah for what is clear. And this is exactly the idea of istikhara we asking, we're asking Allah to give us what is best and to take away whatever is not good for us.

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Okay, so we have so many questions I still encourage you to call in. You don't have to necessarily ask your personal questions on on on the online. But we do want to hear your voice we want to hear you know what, what what one legacy radio means to you what serenity means to you? The number again is 714-988-8182.

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So the next question says,

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I have given in to the maximum of my abilities and capacity. And when it comes to taking a decision, he just left me behind and prefers to stay with his sisters and mother, being his wife, it is becoming harder by the day to keep making excuses for his behavior.

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The first thing that that I would say, sister is seek refuge in Allah subhanaw taala. You know, we get in these situations that that seem very impossible. And we don't see a way out, you know, there's certain things that we can do. Right, there are certain things that are in our hands to do certain efforts that we can make, there's means that Allah gives us to us, and we need to exhaust those means we try everything we can with those means and with our efforts. But there's something extremely important, even more important than those means. And that is, are we seeking the help of Allah? are we are we asking Allah subhanaw taala to make a way out for us are we asking Allah to

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solve our problem? We are

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we are told to take

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The effort to make the effort to try to solve our problem, you know, towards solving our problem, but we need to realize that I, and you do not solve our problems Me, Myself, I am not able to really I, I myself don't cause anything to happen I, I do my effort I try hard. But ultimately every single result is from Allah, Allah is the one who makes anything happen. I need to remember that. And I need to go back to Allah subhanaw taala and ask him to make a way out for me ask him to make a solution for me there is always a way out of every single situation. The problem is we don't seek the right place for that, for that solution. Allah has told us that if we have fear if we fear Allah

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subhanaw taala. If we have Taqwa true consciousness of him, if we make him our ultimate focus, He always makes a way out for us. And, and so I say that, you know, to us sister, and to all those people who are in those situations where they can't see any way out, they don't know how to solve this problem, continue to try, but at the beginning and in the middle, and at the end, seek the help of Allah subhanho data, Allah is the one who's going to make a way out for you, Allah will make a solution for you, and will guide you to where you need to be, and will guide your spouse to where they need to be. But you just need to seek Allah subhanho data and realize this the solution, or

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rather, the result is not always in the form that we might want, or that we might think it will be. But we ask Allah for what is best, we asked a lot to put us where as best we ask Allah subhanaw taala to take care of our of our of our of our heaviness, and we take our burdens, and we and we put it on Allah subhanaw taala. Because for a law, there's no such thing as a burden, Allah wants us to go to him with our with our problem. But what we do oftentimes is we forget that and we try to carry out problems on our own. And we focus only on our own efforts and our own means. And we forget that Allah is the one who makes a way out of every situation, if we seek Him, and realize that that way

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out, and that solution, and that result is not always in the form that we that we might imagine it to be, or that we might hope it to be.

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So someone asks, I'm going to get married inshallah next year, but I'm very, I'm very, very afraid to live with my mother in law, can you please advise me?

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You know, I think this is a conversation you really, really need to have with your future husband, I think it's you need to be very open about your concerns with your future husband, and you need to both be on the same page, it's very important that you're on the same page about expectations about your feelings, how you feel, you know, how are things going to look like, you really need to have a candid discussion about this before you get into the situation before you get married. These are definite, they have they proved to be deal breakers, sometimes in the future, if it's not there, if there is not an understanding of how of how that interaction should be of how that dynamic will be.

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So it's very crucial that you discuss this, you discuss this beforehand. Don't just expect everything is going to work out, you know, and without discussing it, please do talk about your concerns and come to an understanding and actually this is the time to see, you know, is there an understanding because there may not be an understanding. And so it's a very important that you

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it's very important that you that you you see whether or not there is an understanding, sometimes people find out too late, that there is no understanding in terms of what is expected in that living situation. So something you you really should you really should discuss ahead of time. I'm going to take a very short break right now. We will continue for we will extend the show a little bit. We'll take more questions. And I asked you again to to please you know, become a member share with your friends and family. This is a cause that needs your support and is extremely important.

00:54:50--> 00:55:00

Assalamu alaikum This is Yes Men which are heads and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are speaking today about a very important topic.

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And it's the topic of marriage, what happens when it's not working out? What are some of the solutions to that? That issue. And we in Hamdulillah, we, we are, you know, today we're joined by by many people who are sharing their stories and sharing their questions. And this is exactly what you know, what we want to continue to do here at one legacy radio. serenity is, you know, is a show that we've we've had daily, and, and, and this is the platform that we want to provide a place for people to come to share their, their, you know, their their struggles, and to also share their triumphs. And, you know, I'm going to inshallah actually share with you at the end of the show, a very, very

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inspiring story of, of that exact, that exact thing of, of a struggle, and then a triumph. But before that, I want to really ask you to please do support the radio station by becoming a member, ask your friends and family to become a member, this is something that we cannot continue to do for you, we cannot continue to do without your support, it is completely non profit, any donations, you do give our tax, tax deductible. But we also need, you know, we really, really need that support from you to continue to have this service for you and inshallah, in an end to end for it to expand, we need this voice of Muslim media. One question that was asked in the chat box, and I want to

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address this specifically, because I think it's extremely important, and it's a

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it's something that that is quite common. And this person says that

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these two are related. So the birth of my son has left me with what I believe is postpartum depression, he's 16 months now. And it may be too late in most places to diagnose me with a condition however, I recognize that my symptoms began in the days after my son's birth.

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And, you know, this is I feel that this is affecting my marriage.

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My husband, and I don't get to spend much time together. And I miss spending time with him and talking with him, I miss him, I love motherhood, but I also want a marriage. I'm so like, grateful to this person for sharing this, this is this is something that needs to be talked about. It's something a lot of people silently suffer from. And, and and this, you know, there's a lot of issues here. The issue of what happens after you know, you become a mother, first, it's just you and your husband, and then you, you know, there's a child and what happens once you become parents? And then it's also the issue of, of depression. And, you know, how do you deal with that? And how do you deal

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with the balance between being a mother and a father and being a husband and a wife. And I mean, I can say, from experience, this is a very, very hard balance to find. And one of the things that ends up happening a lot of times for mothers is that once you have a child, everything in your life kind of pauses or, or sometimes just completely stops. And everything now is centered around your child. And while that is, you know, this is, you know, this is a noble

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sort of thing that mothers do. But I think that it isn't, it isn't completely balanced. I think it's extremely important that as mothers, we understand our role as mothers, and it is central in terms of our path to Allah subhanaw taala in terms of our identity, however, it does not define us, in this complete sense that we no longer you know, do anything else or no longer have any other type of, of identity. First and foremost, we need to regain the identity as a slave of Allah subhanaw taala. And I know it sounds strange, because, you know, your motherhood you as a mother as in a part of your worship, right? But unfortunately, that gets lost. And what happens instead, is we start to

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actually revolve our life and our existence around the child. And we actually, even though it is such a noble job, we do lose focus. And we we forget that, why it is that we're doing this, we forget our ultimate focus. And there's a lot of symptoms of this problem. One of the symptoms is that it becomes all you can think about all you worry about all you, you know, it's like it defines everything that you you you think, worry, talk about. And it's it's important that we understand that, for example, when we're praying, when I'm praying, I shouldn't be just thinking about what is my child, you know, going to do in an hour. Where do I need to take my child and, and what you know,

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what, what did he do in the morning? What is he eating for lunch? And what are we cooking for tonight? You know, when my mind is just consumed with those things. It's an indication

01:00:00--> 01:00:44

That inside of me I have lost focus a bit. And I need to come back and realize what is my ultimate focus and reconnect, reconnect with my ultimate focus. And by reconnecting with my ultimate focus, you will find something amazing will happen. those roles that you play as wife and as hard as as as mother, as husband and as father will start to fall into place, they will start to become easier, they will start to be you know, the Allah subhanaw taala blessing in those because we have refocused You know, when the heart is looking at Allah, Allah takes care of your matters, when the heart is facing the hereafter instead of just this life, Allah takes care of this life for you. And it's an

01:00:44--> 01:01:30

it's really an amazing dynamic, when we re reorient, we come back to that time alone with Allah, you know, so this is the problem, we become so engrossed in our responsibilities at times, we need, we obviously, there's so much responsibility and having a newborn and having children having, you know, this is a huge, huge job. And so what ends up happening is it defines our entire day, it defines our entire identity, and therefore, it starts to define everything in our self, our self worth, or our iru, who we are what we do, and, and as a result, we move away from from the, you know, the actual identity as a slave of Allah subhanaw taala, we lose that time alone with a lot, we cannot

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compromise that time, we need to continue, you know, one of the really, the solution is actually very simple, but very diet very dramatic, when you make time to just be alone with a law, just to sit and reflect, to just to sit and make do I just to sit and read, and just to listen to a lecture to, to really just say this is my time with a law. This is my time. For my Dean, this is my time for my relationship with a law, it absolutely revolutionizes, it completely transforms the rest of your time, the rest of your day, the rest of your responsibilities and your roles, you'll find that they are, they are easier, they are lighter, and there's, there's more blessing in them, you will be able

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to be a better mother, when you have that time, you will be able to be a better wife, when you have that time, you'll be able to be a better husband, and a better and a better and a better father as well, it really comes back to what is happening with my relationship with a law. And that relationship really, there's just one single relationship that defines and dictates every other relationship, it's amazing. And if there's any take home message that that I hope to, you know, that we can, we can take from this show and, and for the rest of our lives, it's this, that when you rectify your relationship with the Creator, he rectifies your relationship with the creation, it

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really is a very simple formula. When you rectify your relationship with the Creator, he rectifies your relationship with all of the creation, everything becomes a you know falls into place, everything becomes rectified. Once you rectify your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala Our problem is we have neglected our relationship with Allah. And sometimes it's for you know, it's for a good cause. Right? We're busy, we're busy being mothers are busy being wives, we're busy being, you know, working to support our family. And as a result, we have moved away from our ultimate purpose. And the number one reason I mean, the the reason why we recreated in fact, the reason

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meaning there's only one, there's only one purpose, and we've moved away from that. And as a result of moving away from that everything else falls apart, everything else becomes scattered, we can't really, we can't really do it, and finding the balance becomes very difficult. And this, you know, it, it sort of, you know, brings me to that to the next point and, and that's balance. Sometimes, I think again, when we are not when our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala is not is not where it should be, then we start to become unbalanced and become unbalanced in everything. We become unbalanced in terms of our human relationships. One very common example is when a woman becomes a

01:04:24--> 01:04:59

mother, she because she gives everything to her child, she unintentionally may take away the rights of others around her, for example, her husband, you know, once you become a mother, it becomes very difficult to then make sure that everyone else is still getting their rights. But that is absolutely necessary. One of the common problems I think a lot of people face is that once they have children, the time that that the husband and wife have together starts to you know, that becomes a last priority. Right? And I don't think that

01:05:00--> 01:05:42

That's correct, it should not become a last priority, it's, it's that relationship that you have with your spouse is what is going to be the foundation for your relationship with your children, you need need to make time for it, even if it means getting help with childcare, making time, just for you and your spouse, making sure that you're not always too tired for your spouse, because you've given everything to your child and you have nothing left for your spouse, that is not fair. It is not fair. And it's not just, you have to be able to balance you have to do that. Because this is a type of injustice, and it's a type. And anytime something is unjust, you know, you suffer, everybody

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suffers, including your children, that's what we have to know, we are not helping our children, by losing the balance, we are not helping our children by taking away anyone else's rights for the sake of our children that will never, that will never end in a good result, we have to have that balance and be able to give each person their right, your child has a right over you, your husband and your wife has a right over you, your own body has a right over you. This is a lesson. This is the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, even, you know, I'll bring I'll bring it to this example. Sometimes we think that, you know, but I'm doing this noble job of being a mother, and therefore,

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you know, that's that that makes it Okay, to now not have enough time for my husband, or to not have enough time maybe to take care of myself or whatever it is, I don't have enough time, or to not have enough time alone with Allah subhanaw taala. But when you look at it, there's an example a story in the time of the prophets, I send them which which addressed this issue in a different way. And that is that there was a woman who came, and she was, you know, she was sort of not she was not taking care of herself. And, and when she was asked, she said that it's because her husband is not interested in the dunya. Right, he's not interested in anything that has to do with with the dunya,

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meaning that he was not really giving her time, because he was so engrossed in Iboga, he was so engrossed in, in, in, in prayer and and worshiping Allah subhanaw taala. And what what ended up happening is that the prophets, I send them agree to the statement that, that your, your body has a right over you, your spouse has a right over you that these these are parts, these are things that you have to you have to give each thing its right, and your Lord has a right over you. So you when you when you, for example, even in this situation, it was not proper for this person to neglect the rights of the wife, even though he was praying, right, he was doing a bad. So how much more is it

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then the case, if you know if if you're taking care of your child, yes, this is a noble endeavor. But what could be more noble than praying, and yet even prayer was not an excuse to take away the right of the spouse, right to take away the right of of that time and that attention to the spouse, we cannot make it an excuse to take away that right. And I'm and I'm talking about time, I'm talking about attention, I'm also talking about, you know, physical physical rights, you know, that, that, that, that, that that can't be that I've given all of my energy I've given all of my time, you know, to to this child and and as a result, I don't have any energy left, for my spouse, it's extremely,

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extremely important that that doesn't happen. It is it is an injustice, it's taking away a right, that belongs to the spouse and, and it isn't, it's tipping a balance that that needs, you know that in a direction, that shouldn't be the case, everyone should have the right. And you need to set those, those those standards and those limits, you know, the there has to be boundaries that the child cannot take over, you know, the personal all personal space of the of the of the couple, the child cannot take over all the time of the you know, because that that becomes very detrimental to the relationship and if the relationship is is is weakened, the entire family is weakened. So it's

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important that everybody has their, you know, in terms of, for example, a sleeping space, sometimes there's you know, there's too much, there's not enough sort of privacy, that once the child comes into the picture, any privacy between the husband and wife goes out the window. That's wrong, that's just that's wrong on every level, it's wrong. islamically It's wrong, you know, you can any relationship expert can tell you that, that that will not work, there has to be a private space for the couple that the child cannot not everything can be public space, the child has to have their space and the couple has to have their space. That doesn't mean you know, again, that you're just

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you know, very harsh or that but you have to be principled you have to be principle than and everything has to have its place and everything has to have its balance, inshallah

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So, so this is you know, again, sometimes

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We have to keep in mind in terms of in terms of everyone getting their rights not becoming unbalanced. And and this lack of balance again comes back, I think, to a loss of focus. When my focus becomes my child, instead of my relationship with a law, that's when I lose balance panel law. When I come back, and I realize, at the end of the day, why am I here? Why am I a mother? Why am I a wife? Why am I, you know, a speaker? Why am I a writer? Why am I doing these things? You have to refocus and ask yourself, why is it and if you have, you know, if you realize that this is part of your, you know, journey to Allah subhanaw taala, then all of a sudden things can be balanced,

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because I don't, I'm not just focused on one thing, I'm focused on the ultimate purpose. And all of these other things are paths, I'm going to take each one as a path, but you cannot neglect one in exchange for the other. Because that's not going to be pleasing. You know, and that's not going to be successful. It's not, it's not going to take you to your ultimate purpose in the right way. inshallah, what I'm going to do now, is just share with you a very moving message that we received from one of our listeners,

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the person says, and I'm on ecoman, and we got the rest of the message. I used to have severe depression, where I used to cry for no reason and at times wanted to just drive my car off of a cliff with my kids in it. But one day, I turned to olr by my husband's advice, and listened to serenity. Instantly, the music in the background was soothing. The Voice instantly. The voice of the lady, giving the talk was soothing, and most importantly, the topic that was being covered was about anxiety and depression, which is what attracted me even more. It felt like help from Allah subhanaw taala came in a form in which I never expected I cried listening to the talk and felt that

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everything was relating to me and Allah subhanaw taala put it there just for me to listen to learn and apply

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subpanel I was extremely moved by this and this is exactly why it is so important that we continue to have this effort I asked you to please support this effort and to please make the offer your brothers and sisters all over the world who are suffering. I asked Allah subhanaw taala to make these last these last days of Ramadan beneficial in a las panatela accepts from you. And for me Our fasts and our prayers according only Heather was stopped for a lot he will come in the whole photo Rahim subhanak Hello hammock and Chateau en la Ilaha lands in istockphoto corner to Lake wa Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh