Conversation About Marriage Part2

Yasmin Mogahed


Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

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This is your screen Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We have begun a very important and it seems Hot Topic yesterday and we are continuing that discussion today. And that is on the topic of marriage. We are taking your questions I'm I'm receiving a lot of questions at Serenity at one legacy That's the email to send your questions. We also had a very active discussion and hamdulillah on the chat box, I encourage you to continue to be involved on the chat box and also to send your questions via our email serenity at one legacy Today, we are going to continue on this topic, we've spoken about the concept of marriage and how I

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believe that we have seen the concept of marriage in a way that is not balanced, we've seen the concept of marriage as being the end rather than being just a means. One of many means one of many noble means to Allah subhana wa Tada.

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But, but ultimately, ultimately, it is just a means and Allah subhanaw taala should be our final end. When we put things into proper perspective in that way, then we can start to choose our spouse and go about responding to situations that have to do with marriage in the proper fashion. I want to speak a little bit before jumping into the questions, because this is also a question that many people have. And that is the question of choosing your spouse. What what type of criteria should one be using? This is I think, a sort of also a hot topic because a lot of sisters, for example tend to complain that that brothers tend to look too much at appearances. That guys, that it seems that the

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most important criteria for a lot of a lot of men or a lot of brothers is how does the How does the the potential look. And I think that, you know, this obviously can go both ways. It is a complaint that I hear a lot from sisters. But I think in talking about criteria for choosing a spouse. And when it comes to appearances, I think it's important that we take a middle route, a middle road. On the one hand, we cannot discount completely the importance of attraction within that relationship. We know this, for example, from a story that happened during the time of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam where a man came to the Prophet peace be upon him and said that he was going to marry a woman

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and the prophets I send them asked him, Have you seen her. And the man responded that he had not seen her. And the prophets I sent him at that point advised the man go and look at her go and see her. And this from this. Heidi, if we learn a very important principle, and that is that, yeah, attraction is a is an unimportant aspect of this relationship, it isn't something that can be completely discounted. However, I think that somewhere along the line, we also have unbalanced this into a towards maybe having a little bit too much emphasis on the way a person looks. And there is also a difference between being attracted to someone and having someone fit a particular mold or a

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particular there that their appearance needs to fit a particular mold, they need to be a certain size, and they need to look a certain specific way. And anyone who doesn't fit that mold is immediately discounted, even when their Dean is is better than many other people who may fit that mold. And I think that's where we fall into into a problem what no one is saying that you should marry someone that you're not attracted to. However, that person in order to be attracted to someone, they don't need to look just like this particular mold that one has in mind, or maybe that one saw on television or on magazines, but rather that there should be yes, that is attraction. But

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that attraction can happen with a whole different variety of so called molds of different types of people and different types of appearances. And we really need to be careful about restricting ourselves so much that no she you know, my wife or my husband needs to look you know, this way and anyone who who comes along who doesn't fit that specific standard is immediately rejected. And I've seen this happen a lot. And I think it's it's unfortunate, I think it's unfortunate that you'll see for example, that when you're given a choice

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There are, you know, for example, some nominee is example of sisters because it does happen a lot with sisters, unfortunately, women in our society are more so judged on their appearances than than men are. So you'll find that there'll be a sister, on the one hand, who is extremely pious and extremely, her character is, is is extremely Noble. And she doesn't necessarily fit that mold that maybe some some men have in their mind. And you have another sister who, who isn't necessarily as matured, or developed in her Deen, but she maybe fits that mold maybe she's quite a bit younger, as well. And and you see that even the very religious so called quote unquote religious

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brothers going for the the second one, the one who, who fits the external mold, the younger one who isn't necessarily as developed in her Dean or mature and actually overlooking the other sisters, because they don't fit that mold. And I've seen this happen so often. And it's a very unfortunate, and it's a very sad, because ultimately, you know, really, the one who's losing out to is the brother himself, because this person is going to be your wife. It's not, it's not a picture that you're taking with someone and you know, it's, it's, um, it's someone who you're going to live with, it's someone that you're going to, is going to be the mother of your children. This isn't just

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someone who is going to be a trophy wife, or, or whatever it is. And, and that isn't to say that necessarily, yes, it is true that no religious brothers that are they're not looking for a trophy wife. But unfortunately, there's still this, this heavy, heavy emphasis on the way that she looks, to the extent that it becomes one of the most important I I've literally heard very, very religious brothers, because I'm, you know, sometimes people will be at, you know, do you know, someone and and, and, and I've heard, I've literally heard very religious brothers, when when kind of classifying what, what they're looking for in a spouse app. Number one is the is looks, and it just,

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it's, it's like, it's as if it's a given that that's number one. And then after that, you see Dean coming along. And, again, I don't I don't want to take a again, there's a balance, no one is saying that there shouldn't be a sense of attraction. This is something that even the prophets, I seldom emphasized to his companion. However, we are, I think, being a little bit too

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superficial, in a sense, on the on the side of what the person looks like, what the what the sister looks like, especially. And so it is an advice, I think, and something to keep in mind when you are searching for a spouse. And this goes, of course, for both brothers and sisters is this isn't to say that, that some sisters don't do the same thing. But, but overwhelmingly, this is this is usually happening to the sisters, and in terms of how they're being judged, when someone is looking for a potential spouse, you know, you look at the how light is the skin, and how thin is the sister and how young and these kinds of things are kind of taking a little bit too much weight in the decision

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making. And that's not a good sign. Ultimately, everybody is never going to look the same as they do today, in 20 years, and you're you know that after 20 years, this person inshallah is still going to be your wife still going to be the mother of your children. And it's not going to matter so much what she looked like when she was 22. And so like I said, there is there is a balance, I don't agree with marrying someone that you're absolutely not attracted to, I don't think that that's actually necessarily necessarily going to fulfill one of the purposes of marriage, which is to, to guard your chastity and to be a garment for each other. However, I think we have sort of tip that balance a

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little bit too much towards appearances and towards the way that the sister looks. Similarly, another problem that I see on this maybe is something that that the sisters maybe suffer from a little more to as well suffer from on the other hand, or kind of something they're falling into perhaps the idea of and sometimes it's not just the sisters but it's the the the sisters parents, what does he do, you know, his the the occupation of the brother and how much money the brother makes. This is also while no one is saying you know that you jump into something where there's no way for you to be financially supported, etc. But rather, I think that there's also that doesn't

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mean that you necessarily need

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an MD with a particular specialization, etc. So there is also this, I think, on the other hand, and a lot of times I have seen it come from the parents, mostly, but but also you know that the sisters themselves have just the the over emphasis on what is what does he do and how much money does he make. Again, these are things that don't really

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Determine how successful a marriage is going to be. And and it's really as the prophets I send them told us in the Hadith, there are a number of different criteria or different aspects that a person can choose, choose their spouse, and specifically in his head, he talked about, he was speaking to his companion, so he spoke about in choosing a wife, and he listed them but he said that the one who chooses for Dean will be the one who's successful. So this is something that we should consider as being, you know, one of the most important aspects in choosing a spouse, keeping in mind that you are choosing the father of your children, you are choosing the mother of your children. inshallah,

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that's, that's, that's important that if you you know, if you have a so called supermodel wife, or husband, but they don't have good character, it's, it's really not going to be very good for you down the line, in terms of your relationship or in terms of the upbringing of your children.

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This, this, you know, this aspect of what to choose is is incredibly important. So going to some of the questions that that I received. One of them says, Allah subhanaw taala says in the Quran, among His Signs is that he has created spouses for you among yourselves. And so she says, or he says, he does among yourselves mean from your country or race. What does Islam say about interracial or intercultural marriages. So this is also kind of a hot topic, because it tends to happen a lot, especially we live in countries, especially when you live in countries like the United States, where the Muslim community is very international, that you have people from all over the world, ethnic,

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their ethnic background is very international. So you'll you'll fall into this, you end up sometimes people are interested in marrying someone from a different race or a different ethnic group. And the parents are not very keen on that, you know, sometimes the parents want the their children to stick with their own race or their own ethnic group. This is something that we hear a lot about, you know, this conflict between the children and the parents, in terms of in terms of marriage, does this mean from among yourselves doesn't mean your your country or your race, I don't believe that's the tough seat of the A, but rather from from among yourselves, that were made of like nature, and alone knows

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best that that that Allah subhanaw taala made, one of the signs of Allah is that he made

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someone of my like nature, and that that the spouse and the mate, the counterparties of your, like nature from among yourselves, doesn't mean that they look like you or have the same skin color, the same passport. But but that it's about, you know, it's that it's that internal nature that, that, you know, the they're both made from the same stuff, you know, the men and men and women both, although there are of course differences, but the but the, you know, the the original nature is is the same in terms of marrying outs, it does a stem. So what does the stem say about interop inter racial and intercultural marriages? Well, of course, systemically generally, there's, there's

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nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different race. And, you know, we are told in the end that, that Allah subhanaw taala tells us that he made us into different nations and tribes, without of with in order for you to know one another. Yes, that the you know, that's, that's definitely part of it. At the same time, there are, there are it's a little bit more complicated than just that, because, you know, when, when it comes to parents, for example, and what do you do when your parents don't agree. And because this is not something, it is not something hot, um, to marry someone from a different race or a different ethnicity, but it's also not something obligatory. So we want to just

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clarify, it's not that you're required either. So it's one thing if there's something obligatory, something required by Islam, and, and then your parents are forbidding you from doing it. For example, your parents are forbidding you from praying or your parents are forbidding you from wearing hijab, or your parents are forbidding you from where from, from fasting, in that case, then you would you would, you know, you would be able to say that you you cannot obey someone who is who is keeping you from doing something that's obligatory or is who is or rather, or if someone is commanding you to do something displeasing to Allah, you cannot obey that person. However, in this

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case, it's more of like a gray area because it is something more bad something allowed. It's allowed to marry someone from a different race. But it's not. It's not fault, right? It's not obligatory upon us, it is possible to marry someone from the same race.

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So, this is where it gets into the this sort of difficult gray area. And I would say just generally the advice I would give about this is is give it to a loss of panel data, put it in his hands, everything that happens is is, is under the will of Allah subhanho data. So, a lot we know Allah is the Turner of hearts. If Allah subhanaw taala wills, if a law once he can change your parents heart and he can, he can make them open to this. But if Allah subhanaw taala does not will then no matter how badly we want something, it will not happen. Whatever Allah wills will happen, and whatever he does not will will not happen. Similarly, it's important to remember that we might really, really

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want something less than it tells us it may be that you hate something, and it's good for you. And it may be that you love something and it's bad for you. So we might really, really want something but that does that is no indication of whether or not it's good for us, we we have to be able to have the the insight to understand that Allah subhanaw taala knows best. And sometimes we might be attached to something that is not good for us. And we have to be willing to give it to Allah subhanaw taala we have to be willing to put it in Allah's hands and to trust Allah subhana wa Tada. So I would say, while you may go about the Hillel means to get that thing that you want, whether

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it's marrying a particular person or someone of a different race, but then ultimately, being able to not attach yourself to it internally. So that if it doesn't work out, you're able to say that alone, Masha, that Allah, His will is what is going to happen that what Allah subhanaw taala wills, and what he what he wants, is what he does, and what ends up happening and knowing that that's actually for your own good, Allah does not want you to be hurt, Allah does not want bad for us, rather, Allah subhanaw taala wants what's best for us is so seeing these situations beyond the surface. Seeing these situations, sometimes we get caught up in my my parents are the barrier here, right? My

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parents are the ones they're the ones who are blocking this from happening. And and and by doing that, we we actually miss that, that Allah subhanaw taala is on top that Allah subhanaw taala as will is above the will of our parents in the above our own will. This is as if you know you've done your part, you've done everything you can and it just doesn't work out your parents are not agreeing, you have to be able to understand that that's not just your parents, but this is within the the decision of Allah subhana wa tada that this particular thing was not meant to be. And if Allah wills it, then maybe down the line, a different person also maybe from that exact same other

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ethnicity comes along and this time Allah subhanaw taala wills it, Allah opens your parents heart and it works out. It is whatever Allah subhanaw taala wills, being able to realize that I may love something, and it is not good for me. And that I may hate something and it's good for me. So doing your part, and then realizing all along while you're doing your part, that whatever the outcome is it you know, we accept it, and we and we and we and we understand that Allah knows best. This is the essence of his staccato. The essence of istikhara is asking a lot if this is good for me only if it's good for me, then make it happen. And if it's not good for me, then take it away from me. And

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then bring me what is good for me and make me content with it. We pray istikhara and then we leave it up to Allah subhanaw taala while we may be trying, but inside of ourselves in our heart, the state inside is that we're leaving it up to Allah subhana wa Tada. I'm going to take a short break now. And when we return we'll continue with your questions on the topic of marriage.

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Salam Alaikum This is yes, mi Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are talking today again about marriage and taking your questions about this very important topic. We some people have asked in the chat box where you can send your questions. You can send your questions to serenity at one legacy That's serenity at one legacy there are many questions

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that are posted in the chat box if I do not, if I'm not able to get to your question from the chat box, you can go ahead and email those questions to that email serenity at one legacy There are a lot of really important issues being addressed in the chat box. One of them has to do with

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with a spouse who's watching porn, pornography and what what should the person do? I think that this is a topic which probably requires its own show. So I don't want you know, this is an important topic, I don't want you to think that it's being ignored. But in sha Allah, it does require its own its own show, I believe there are but I will say this, there are places that are addressing this, this issue of porn addiction, specifically for Muslims. One of them is called purify your gaze. You can find it online on the website, purify your gaze. And, you know, I think it's extremely important that it's seen for you know, as for what it is, especially when it's something that's, you know,

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persistent and that it's, it's like any other type of addiction, and it does, it does need to be treated. And we ask Allah subhanaw taala to make it easy for those who are suffering from that addiction and to protect us from anything that is displeasing to Allah subhana wa Tada.

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Okay, so there's a lot of questions about infidelity. Also, you know, one one issue on the topic.

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There's, there's a number of questions also asking about how, you know, the method of choosing a spouse, I think this is, this is a serious crisis that that a lot of single people are facing is how do you even find a spouse? Right? We don't date. So how does how does a Muslim find a spouse in a in a in an Islamic way? And you know, just to kind of clarify, when I say we don't date, the the whole institution of dating is something that's intended not to find a spouse. That was back in the olden days, that was called courting, courting was when you would get to know someone for the purpose of is this going to be my spouse. However, as we know, dating has often nothing, oftentimes nothing to

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do with marriage, for example, people start dating when they're 10, right, they're obviously not looking for their spouse at that age. Similarly, some people never intend to get married at all, are dating, dating, the institution of dating now is just about sort of having fun, you know, hanging, you know, meeting this person spending some time with them. But the intention is not many times that I'm looking for someone to marry and I'm seeing if this is the person, so even though the whole intent of our Islamic courting we could call it is very, very different than than the general intent of dating. And that is that we're looking for someone who we're going to marry, we're not just

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looking to, to have a good time for a while and then to move on. So the intent is extremely important in what distinguishes how we Muslims look, versus versus the the institution of dating. Similarly, obviously, the the dating is about being alone with the person and having basically a full on relationship with the person as you would with a spouse but except that you're not married. And astatically we know that that's not allowed. Any any extra marital relationship and physical relationship is is called Xena and this is this is very, something forbidden in Assam. But when Allah subhanaw without it tells us to, to not want to lust pinata for bidzina Love does not just use

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the wording of do not fall into Zina or do not commit Zina, but rather Allah subhanaw taala says let Takara Lucena do not even be do not even get close to Xena. And this is important to understand. When I want my child to be protected from the fire. I wouldn't tell my child go play with matches, but just don't get burned. I wouldn't say you know, go play near the fireplace, but make sure that it doesn't, you know, touch you, Allah subhanaw taala is protecting us. He doesn't tell us no do everything and get you know, get really, really close, but just don't do dinner. Right? Because that would naturally when you get close to something you're more likely to fall into it. So Allah

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subhanaw taala is protecting us by saying do not even come close to center, not just do not fall into and do not even come close. The question now is how do we get close to center? What are those things that we do that get us close to XenApp? Well, one of them obviously it starts from the very, very beginning. Let's like rewind, rewind, rewind, it starts with the unrestrained glance. It starts with not lowering your gaze very, very beginning. So Allah subhanaw taala actually puts barrier after barrier after barrier you know when you have a toddler and you want to keep them out of the kitchen or you want to keep them away from the stairs. You

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Have these things like the gates, right, the toddler gates that you put up. And sometimes you have many of them, right, you have one at the stairs, you have one outside the kitchen. And so there's like many different barriers for that child so that they don't end up falling down the stairs. Allah subhanaw taala puts many, many gates many, many barriers from this, this place that he doesn't want us to fall into called Xena. Right?

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And, and that's the physical relationship outside of marriage. So So one of them from the very beginning is in lowering the gaze, that that Allah subhanaw taala commands of leaving women and the believing men to lower their gaze and to guard their chastity, it's the two are connected, that when you lower your gaze, that's part of guarding your chastity. No, it's so important. And this is something I think has, for a large to a large degree has been neglected. And that's guarding your eyes, being careful what you're looking at. This is something unfortunately, especially in a lot, even in a lot of Muslim countries, you'll you'll notice that it's like, it's like not rude to stare.

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It's like kind of funny, girls sitting on the bus. And and it's just like, you know, in America, a lot of times, even if the person thinks you're strange, like they've been taught when they were young, you know, it's rude to stare, you're not really supposed to stare. So a little, they kind of look up and then look down and a little subtle about it. But when you go to some countries, and there's no there's no subtlety, they're just staring. And so this this idea of lowering the gaze, unfortunately has been abandoned in in a lot of our societies. We need to bring that back of guarding the eyes from the very beginning. That's the first barrier The first step to guarding

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ourselves against Xena. It starts with the glance, not looking at what we're not supposed to be looking at. That's the first step. Another barrier that Allah subhanaw taala gives us is modesty, modesty in in behavior and modesty in dress, both for men and for women. That's another barrier. Allah subhanaw taala gives us to protect us from falling in, Suzanna. Another barrier that Allah Spano that it gives us is that a man and a woman the prophesy centum tells us that as a man and a woman who are unrelated to each other, non Muslim should not be alone together in Halawa. What is privacy that this is seclusion, that a man and a woman should not be alone in seclusion, or else the

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third will be shaitan. The third will be the devil, this is also a protection, because you think about it.

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If you're never alone together, then you wouldn't be able to fall into them, you know, hopefully, right? That usually this happens in seclusion. So if you if you prevent that seclusion to begin with, then you're protecting yourself from from falling into Xena. So there are a lot of different barriers. And obviously, one of them in terms of the modesty and behavior is in the type of relationship that men and women have. And that the gender relations, that it needs to be one of respect. But also there's that there's some, there's modesty there, and there's some distance, that it isn't so close and so personal, that that's also the way in which you deal with the opposite

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gender is also a barrier to protect you from from falling into that. So there are many barriers. Now we as unbelievers, if we go down, if we go, and we knock down every single barrier, we're not guarding our eyes, we are not, you know, behaving modestly, or dressing modestly. We have we're not having the proper relationship between the genders. And then eventually we wonder why we fell into center. And you have to when you look back and you see how did it happen? Well, there were a lot of choices that had to be made in order before you got there, it usually doesn't just happen, just like that, but rather, there are a lot of barriers that had to be removed, one by one by one a lot of

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commandments of Allah subhanaw taala that had to be ignored, in order to end up where you were. So we need to come back to those commandments starting from lowering the gaze and guarding the eyes.

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So in terms of meeting someone, you know, giving given that this is this is our Islamic, you know, rules with regards to gender relations. One person actually on the chat box had shared that he himself had found his wife on on a Muslim, a Muslim website for marriage. And you know, this is you know, the, the New Age right with with the internet and there are a number of sites where people can meet, of course, in a halal way using heroin means to meet people in need, that they wouldn't otherwise be exposed to on on on these these sites. But just making sure that people are serious, right, that people are not just trying to have fun, but that this is a serious search for for a

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potential spouse a lot of times too, is that other people who are married or otherwise need to help each other out that introducing people or or trying to, you know, say well, you know, maybe these two people could work out and maybe introducing, the families need to help. It just becomes especially difficult for converts or reverts because their families are not Muslim. We need to try to help each other out in terms of introducing one another for the sake of marriage and there's a big reward in that inshallah you

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If done for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala

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someone asks

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that comment that I, that I refer to says my wife and I met on a Muslim marriage site, we talked daily for hours at a at a time. before meeting a month later, it flew into her city and we met in a public space. We married three weeks after the meeting, everything was headed and I recommend this method. You know, one thing to keep in mind too, is, you know, that, even for sisters who don't have a Muslim YT, for example, a revert or a convert, and I got one message about that, that there was a revert, and she wanted to marry a Muslim man, but her parents didn't agree because they didn't, they didn't want her to marry a Muslim. And, and, and basically, she was she was conflicted, she didn't

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know what to do. In situations we as as as a sister, you should have a welly as someone who's has not been married before, that, you know, there's a difference of opinion regarding a woman who has been married before, but with regards to a woman who's been married before having a wedding, it's, it's, it's your father, unless your father is not a Muslim, in which case it would go to your you know, next male relative who's a Muslim, if you have no male relatives who are Muslim, then you can appoint a shake or somebody a male that you trust to be your wedding. And the whole purpose of having a wedding is that there's this person who has your best interests in mind, and who's there to

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inshallah protect you from from maybe people who might want to take advantage of you. So this is this, this should also be

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part of the process in sha Allah. The next question says,

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What if I'm, what if I'm doing the law and marriage is not happening? I'm nearly 29. Please help. So this is, this is again, a question a lot of people are in this situation, they feel very frustrated, because they're, you know, they're getting older and they're trying everything to get married and they they can't find someone or they're not able to get married.

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I think that the way we should understand this is the way we understand any type of risk that Allah subhanaw taala gives, that we and this comes down to you after you've you're doing your part. And while you're doing your part, it's a sense of internally, do I accept what Allah subhanaw taala has chosen for me Do I accept the will of Allah subhanho data as being what is best for me at this time, and this takes a lot of men this takes a lot of trust in Allah subhanaw taala trust in that the doctor knows what he's doing right? You go to the doctor, you get you get a you know, a diagnosis. The doctor says okay, you need to do this, that and you trust what the doctor is doing. Here, Allah

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subhanaw taala is the one taking care of us. Allah is the you know, the ultimate doctor, Allah is the one taking care of us and treating us and Allah knows best, when is the best time for us to have certain things and when is the best time that that those things need to be withheld. I know for a fact that even when Allah withholds he is still giving Allah withholds. And he is still giving. Allah gives sometimes by giving an Allah gives, sometimes by withholding. This is how Allah subhanaw taala. He, in his wisdom, he knows when is the time that we need something, and when is the time when it is, you know, it's not necessarily best for us. So what I would say to the sister or to this

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brother, who is who is trying very hard and using all different means and different using all different methods, and it's not working out. This is where contentment comes in. This is where trust this is, this is where these concepts that we talked about in books are tested, the concept of Tilak the concept of trust in Allah subhanaw taala, the concept of rhythm, the concept of contentment, being content with whatever Allah subhanaw taala decrees. And then the concept of sub patience, this is these are real life, you know, we can we can talk all we want about these concepts in books and in lectures and in hooked up. But, but this is where it's tested, when you aren't getting something

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you really want, when you aren't getting something that you've tried for 10 years to get, and you can't get it when you've tried for 12 years to have a child and you and you can't have a child. This is where these concepts are really, really tested. And it's only by testing something that it's really built. You know, if you really want to be someone who, who has, who has contentment if you really want to be someone who has this this beautiful quality of iodine and who is someone who has to work on, it needs to be tested. That's how it's built. That when you're put in a situation like this, and what is your response? I'm trying everything I can I'm doing everything. What it isn't

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happening. Now what this is a test. We know that this entire life, Allah subhanaw taala says in certain molk subotic Olivia Hill Molko hawala

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Shane Kadir and levy Hala Kalamata will hire Leah Blue acoem au Kumasi and Ramallah. He is the one who created death and life in order to test you, which of you are best in deeds. It's all a test. Ultimately this time we have on this earth is a test, Allah will send us things that will test us. And in this case, this is a test for you, sister or for you, brother, that you are not able to get married yet and you're trying everything and you're not able to this is a test from Allah subhanaw taala. But know this, that if you respond properly to this test, Allah subhanaw taala will give you something better than whatever it is that you have, have lost or whatever it is that you're not able

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to have, Allah will reward you in this life and the next, but this is part of trust. This is part of tawakkol in Allah subhanaw taala do we trust him? Do we trust that he knows best for us and do we trust that he will reward us for our patients inshallah Tada, we will take another short break now. And returning we will continue the discussion on marriage

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Assalamu alaikum This is Yasmin Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. We are taking your questions about marriage. And the next question that we will cover has to do with what do you do when you love someone? Maybe they're your spouse or maybe a potential spouse, and they are not behaving the way that you want them to? Maybe they're not as committed in the deen and how should you respond? So the question says, this is something that has been bothering me for a very long time. And I have made so much draw about it. Michelle, I have a nice and very loving husband we have three children Michelle law. When we first were married, then I knew that he

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practiced the deen in terms of praying fasting and reading Quran and I did the same. At the same time, I did not have the sense to look deeper into the deen after we had children. Of course, it was a turning point for most people, I started to become a student of the dean again so to speak, I started listening to more lectures and trying to practice on a deeper level, I guess, unfortunately, my husband did not follow suit. And he is often bothered by the things I say in terms of Islam, I try to be more careful about the things we eat. And to do more of the Sunam. I feel like he has no interest in learning more. And it often causes strife in our marriage. I love him so much. And I

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just want him to gain more educated, good deeds and so I say it not to bug him, but so that he can also implement it into his life and in turn our children's lives and in turn our children's lives inshallah, I don't know if I should just leave him alone, or if I should keep trying. Beautiful question. This is, I think, a really great question to talk about this issue of balancing, you know, how do we sort of the personal aspects of of our Deen and the, the they'll see how right the the more public or aspect of it and so, what I what I think we need to emphasize here is there are certain minimum I think certain requirements that Allah subhanaw taala has put down for us in terms

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of our Deen and in terms of you know seeking a spouse or or you know that what your spouse is doing those min those minimal requirements are the salaah right the the prayer five times a day at least right the five prayers, fasting in Ramadan, you know, giving zeca the five, the five pillars, as we know, reading quota and so on hamdulillah I would say sister to us sister that, that your husband and him that Allah is doing these things, your husband is praying Your husband is fasting, your husband's even reading Quran and hamdulillah a lot of people they may pray and fast but they never even opened up on end. So hamdulillah Your husband is is a good practicing brother. The fact that we

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decide that we want to take perhaps a different route and maybe start to learn more and to start to build ourselves more towards Allah subhanaw taala that's a beautiful decision and we hope that inshallah we all tried to take a sort of a, you know, a deeper path to Allah subhanaw taala however, I think we have to be very, very careful and use something called hikma wisdom in terms of how

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try to impose that on others. And if this is something that is not required by Allah subhanaw taala, it is not necessary for us to try to impose it on our spouse. And in fact, when we do a maybe try to impose too much, it actually has the often has the opposite effect. And that will maybe push the spouse farther away from that, you know, that aspect of the DNA because any usually people and especially men don't like to be told what to do don't like to be to feel that they're being pressured, or, or being looked down at or, you know, judged or any of these, these are, these are feelings that that we naturally sort of become defensive when we feel those things. So it's really,

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really important that you inshallah, don't don't make your spouse feel that you are maybe more religious and you want them to be like you, but rather, you know, and hamdulillah like I said, as long as you're in your spouse is not doing something wrong, your spouse and hamdulillah is practicing the fact that you want to take a particular way to Allah subhanaw taala a particular route hamdulillah that's, that's wonderful. May Allah Subhana Allah bless you. But it does not need to be something that that you impose on your spouse. And if it is something you want your spouse to share with you, there are there are ways to do that, that are more subtle. There are ways to do that

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with hikma with with wisdom we do, yes, we, our hope is that this is a path that we can take together with our spouse, our spouse, however, it is not a requirement and we need to not make that a requirement. It is okay for you to wake up and pick em by yourself. It is okay it doesn't, you don't have to take a

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frying pan and you know, go hit your spouse over the head at at pm time and say get up and pray with me right now. But it's okay that you're praying by yourself there is there is an aspect of this path that that that should be on your own routine you and Allah subhanaw taala If however your spouse is doing something like drinking or or smoking or doing something that is, you know, displeasing to Allah subhanaw taala This is when you you then need to address it in the most beautiful way possible. And with Heckman still with with wisdom but the fact that that your spouse is not doing these extra things that you're doing that's okay you know, we make dialogues panatela you know,

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increases them and increases us but we don't know you know, Allah subhanaw taala knows the hearts and and you know, again, as long as this person is practicing and Mashallah doing things that a lot of a lot of people their spouses are nowhere near hamdulillah what you have some hamdulillah that, that your spouse is that we I think what you what would be good, and maybe what would actually motivate him more is to actually show more appreciation for what he is doing. And like Allah subhanaw taala tells us in the Quran that if you if you were in Chicago, Toma as he then went in Chicago, Toma as he then NACA, this is a principle that, that Allah subhanaw taala is teaching us,

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if you are thankful, we will increase you. Allah says, Now this principle is a universal principle, when you are thankful to Allah subhanaw taala he increases you. But also when you are thankful with the creation, when you're thankful with people, they also increase you. So they will actually give more when you show appreciation for what they're already doing. That actually is the best way to motivate people. It actually is not through criticism, it is not through making the person feel that they're not doing enough, but rather thanking them for what they are doing. And then when you when a person feels appreciated when a person feels especially, you know, for men, it's important that the

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man feels that, you know, he's being respected and that and that, you know that that even maybe there's some some admiration, maybe you're looking up to him. That's really what motivates men. And if you want him to, you know, be more of sort of a leader for you in terms of the dean and kind of be with you in that in that path. He The best way is really to is not to make him feel like like he's not doing enough but rather you know, build him up in terms of, of respect and appreciation inshallah, to Allah.

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The next question.

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It says,

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I want to marry a man, but he is not ready at all to learn about Islam. Though born Muslim, I cannot talk to my parents unless he is religiously committed. I pray for him to change. How do I help him if he doesn't want to change his condition? So now we have a similar question. But this is before marriage. This sounds like this person is not necessarily very committed, may or may not be praying and fasting and reading quote as in the other situation and the person is asking how

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Can we change someone or help someone change it doesn't want to? And the answer is you really can't. You cannot, you you can do your best in terms of advice, you can do your best in terms of naziha. But ultimately, you cannot make someone change who doesn't want to change. And so it's it's, it's actually very unwise to go into a situation with the assumption and the assumption that this person will change, it is extremely unwise to do that, you take a person for what they are, before you get married, you take it at face value, this is the way the person is now assume that this is the way they will be and don't have wishful thinking that no, I'm you know, in a close my eyes, and I'm

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going to, I'm going to change them, and I'm going to mold them into exactly what I want. This is extremely unwise and foolish in it. And it's and it's not, it doesn't make for a very good relationship, either. Because nobody wants someone, you know, both both ends, right, you don't want to be going into a relationship expecting something that isn't going to happen, and then being very disappointed. Similarly, no one wants to be married to someone who's constantly trying to change them. This isn't this isn't, doesn't make for a very strong relationship. And you don't want to be with someone who's constantly trying to mold you and change you, but you want to be accepted. And so

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this, this acceptance is important that at the very beginning, before you get married, you need to ask yourself, Is this the way that they are right now? Is this something that I can accept? Is this something that I want for my spouse? And and is it something that I want for the mother or father of my children? And if it's not, then you you need to be realistic. But but but saying that, you know, we'll maybe they'll change later or maybe I'm going to change them or I'm going to it's not fair? It's actually not fair to you, and it's not fair to that other person as well. So, so keeping in mind that, that the idea of of what a person is it's not something that you should, you should just

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assume that you're going to mold and you're going to change inshallah, I'm going to take a very short break right now. And when I return, I'm going to be taking one more question from the chat box.

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Solomonic comm This is Jasmine Mujahid and we are streaming live on serenity. We are wrapping up the show today listening to your questions about marriage. And we we want to remind you to tune in again tomorrow. serenity is on every day Monday through Friday, at the same time and we are live at 11 Pacific 6pm GMT, we are going to take some last questions. There are some questions that are related. One of them has to do with being sort of controlling over her husband and not and, and sort of mean only with him as opposed to others. Another question says my husband postponed salon to about five minutes before the next salon I keep reminding him but he doesn't get up until like five

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minutes before then he misses it and praise Him.

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So these you know, this is a similar topic about again, you know, kind of

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the wife not knowing exactly how to interact with the husband, if there's something she doesn't like or something that that that may be wrong. I say first and foremost, when when this is again, someone you're already married to. It's important that first and foremost, we realize in Nicoletta demon, Abdullah can no lie, it may assure that you do not guide those who you love. But Allah guides whom He wills, we are not the bearer of guidance, that Allah spawn is the only one who can guide even the prophets I send them could not guide his own uncle This is in a loss upon without his hands. That's one aspect. So making a lot of dough hot for the person that we care about, if there's something

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that they're doing that's wrong, or that's harming themselves such as being late for so long. And that is, that is something that is that is very, very heavy with Allah subhanaw taala. So we ask Allah to make us among those who who pray in its proper time and at the beginning, if possible of the time allotted. However, it's also important to really focus on the concept of humility, one of the problems with when we we start to take the path to Allah subhanaw taala. And maybe we're starting to increase in our religious devotion in our in our rituals, and I know how bad is that sometimes it can get to us. And sometimes we can feel more righteous than others, we can feel a

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sense of self righteousness. And that's very, very dangerous. And in fact that disease in and of itself can be more dangerous and more sinful than the sin that we are that we're looking at and that we're looking down upon. Allah subhanaw taala warns us against this and the prophets I send them that we should never look down in another

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person who we see as doing a sin. Because the truth is, we also sin and we also have our struggles. But if we're not able to see our own sins, and we're not able to see our own struggles, and we have a more serious problem than the person who we are, you know, looking at, this doesn't mean that we don't care about others, and we don't try to advise other others. But it needs to be from a place of humility and never ever from a place of self righteousness or arrogance, because that means that I personally inside of me have have a more serious problem that I need to deal with realizing that we also were all fallible. We asked Allah subhanaw taala to guide us to guide our families and to make

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it easy on us to seek this path to Allah subhanaw taala and to be humbled to him, according Holly Heather was tough for a lot he would have come in sooner. Rahim salam wa Alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh