Conversation About Marriage Part1

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Yasmin Mogahed

Channel: Yasmin Mogahed

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Episode Transcript

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We are speaking today

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discussing, very important.

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Now, oftentimes, we have issues that we can't always share with others. And sometimes we don't know where to turn to ask about those questions. And today's topic is one that I think a lot of people, you know, feel that way about. And it's, it's a topic that has to do with marriage issues, struggles that have to do either with trying to get married, or,

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or, or, or what happens after, and when things don't necessarily work out as well. So inshallah, if you can, go ahead and write your questions in the chat box to join the discussion. Also, you can continue to send your questions to serenity at one legacy radio.com, that's serenity at one legacy radio.com. To begin with, we will, I want to sort of put things into perspective in sha Allah with regards to marriage, and, and, and talk about where I think that we may have sort of gone off track with the way that we view marriage, in our society and in our communities. A lot of times, and this is something I think people, especially those who are, who are not yet married, have faced, a lot of

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times, we interpret marriage as somewhat of a, an ending in and of itself as the goal as the ultimate place that we want to go to. And in that way, what ends up happening is that those people who are not yet married, or maybe those people who were married, and it didn't work out, they are made to feel that they're somehow incomplete in some way, or they haven't really fulfilled their, their, their full purpose yet. And the question that, you know, as soon as those people who are in this situation probably know what I mean, that as soon as you know, someone sees them from the community or a friend, usually it's an it's an older Auntie, or something of the sort the first

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thing that that, you know, they asked is when are you going to get married? Or if, you know, the conversation tends to revolve around marriage. And while this can be very innocent, of course, I think that it's indicative of a deeper issue and, and that is that we really have, especially for women have made marriage almost as if that's our final goal in life, that that's our final destination in life. And, and even it becomes a purpose for which we, we live our lives and, and and you can see the focus becomes so strong, that it's it becomes almost an obsession, not just an obsession for the person themselves, but for those around them, their family members, their friends,

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and the everything revolves around

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what do you when you're going to get married? What are you going to do in order to get married? What are you not going to do in order to get married as if marriage was the reason that Allah subhanaw taala put us on this earth? As if marriage was the reason that Allah subhanaw taala created us to begin with, and it isn't, and a lot of people will then bring up the Hadith which inshallah we'll talk about that marriage is half your deen? Yes, in 100 lat marriage is definitely a means to get to Allah subhanaw taala and I and I can say that of all the ways to build your deen there are a few that are more effective than marriage for sure. For example.

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You know, we learn in our Dean, about the concept of patience, we learn in our Deen about the concept of sacrifice, we learn in our Deen about the concept of putting others needs maybe before ours. These are all concepts and they remain conceptual, so long as they're not tested so long as they're not built. Marriage is really an institution and an opportunity to not just have these be concepts but they're things that become tested. your patience will become tested in marriage, your your your

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your sacrifice, your selflessness, your ability to sacrifice what you want. Your ability to compromise for the sake of another person is tested through marriage. There are a lot of

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virtues, a lot of virtues, Islamic virtues that are, are definitely tested in marriage, and definitely can be built in marriage. And so I would say that, that, that, you know, this, this idea of marriage being half our Deen is extremely profound and true. And another way of looking at it is that marriage is a character builder. It builds up half of your deen. I mean, if you were to look at how much you gain, potentially from the exercise of being married, because it is a challenge, in many cases, it can definitely build your character. inshallah, however, we're talking now about purpose, we're talking now about ultimate focus and ultimate goals. And you'll you'll see, you know,

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some of the indications, in our experiences with the community and with our families of, of how this becomes no longer just a means to get to Allah subhanaw taala. But it becomes the end itself, marriage has become no longer just a means, but has become the end itself. The problem with doing that there are many, many consequential You know, there are many, many consequences for for doing that. One of the consequences is as we spoke, those people who are not yet married or who are no longer married because it didn't work out, or or because their their spouse passed away. Those people are made to feel sort of almost as outcasts in the community or as deficient in some way or

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incomplete. Or,

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you know, they're not full human beings yet, right? They haven't fully completed their humanity, because they haven't yet gotten married, or they got divorced. And that's extremely wrong. And and it's very unfair, and it's very untrue. Because if we look at, for example, one of the greatest women that ever, ever walked the earth, as we're told by the prophets lie Selim metrium, or the lion has, she never got married. And obviously, she was not half a human being or incomplete in the sense of her spirituality or her heart was not complete because she didn't get married. That was not the means that Allah subhanaw taala had chosen for her. It's a means for some people, but it was not for

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her it was not chosen for her was not written for her. It didn't mean that she was an incomplete human being who had not yet fulfilled her purpose of creation. Now, another consequence of making marriage, the end instead of just a means is that a person will do anything to achieve their end. So if you make your end something,

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something other than Allah subhanaw taala, you will be willing to sacrifice anything for that to achieve it. So for example, if my goal in life is my end, my ultimate end is that I want to become a doctor, if that's my end, and that's my ultimate goal, then I will do anything to achieve that. Even if it means something displeasing to Allah subhanaw taala. Suppose in order to achieve that goal, I have to

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my means of paying or financing My degree is something displeasing to Allah suppose, if my ultimate goal is just be a doctor, by any means necessary, I'll go ahead and do it. I'll go ahead and, and use a means that is displeasing to Allah to finance, my my career to finance my degree, because my ultimate goal is not Allah subhana wa, tada, my ultimate goal is being a doctor. Similarly, if my ultimate goal is I just need to get married. And that's my ultimate goal. And it is not and it is not Allah subhanaw taala it is not for his sake, all of a sudden, I'll be willing to do anything for it. And I'll give you some very real, real examples. One example that we hear a lot is this idea of

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taking off the hijab or not wearing the hijab at all, so that you can get married. And this just shows us what really is our goal? And what are we willing to do in order to achieve it? And it's very ironic because marriage itself is supposed to be something that brings us closer to Allah subhanho wa Taala. And yet in order to achieve it, we do something that takes us away or do we do something that displeases him. And this is, this is turning everything around because we are supposed to be getting married for his sake. And and we say that it's it's, it's part of it's half our Deen and yet at the same time, we are doing something or we are achieving it or trying to

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achieve it in a way that is that is that is fundamentally just displeasing to the one we we claim to be trying to please now that that in and of itself shows us where really is our goal and and

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What are we using as a means? Another very practical example has to do with sort of the things that we do. In our weddings, for example, as well. A lot of times, you know, even if the, if the bride wears hijab, normally, she may take it off for her wedding, or she may, you know, sort of loosen it a little bit. And again, the idea is this focus on the wedding itself, the focus on the, the getting, you know, the marriage part of it in the end, and more. So oftentimes the wedding itself, although it's something that lasts a few hours, and then it's over, but we're willing to sacrifice things which are extremely valuable things which are, in fact, priceless, things that are for Allah

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subhanaw taala sake, were willing to sacrifice it for the sake of this other other thing. And it just again, it shows us where our priorities are. And it's an indication that we need to reprioritize when we take something that's supposed to be a means and make it an end, it brings about our downfall, because we are now willing to do anything to achieve our goal. And we feel incomplete until we have done so once we realize that, actually, our goal is Allah subhanaw taala, then we will no longer have this, this sort of insane obsession and focus on those who are not yet married. And, and a lot of times, for example, parents of children who are not married yet, or maybe

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who got divorced, they just, it's as if their life is over, you know, or, you know, their, their daughter or their son got divorced, or, or, or their daughter is, you know, she's she's 25 and she's not married yet. And, you know, this, this idea of like, we might as well bury her now, right? Because she's she hasn't, she hasn't gotten married, we really need to change this concept that we have about marriage, and marriage, like all other things that we do, according to the Sunnah. And for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala is a means, among other means to get to Allah subhanaw taala. But never ever should we make it the goal itself. Now, inshallah, I'm going to open it up for for

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you know, your questions and your discussion. I, I've received some questions at the email, which I will be speaking about. And I'm also taking questions from the chat box. So you can go ahead and write your questions in the chat box and your reflections about this, this idea of you know, right now, we're speaking about what is marriage conceptually, and how we need to reorganize how we view marriage, and then how we treat those people who are not yet married, or those people who who were once married and are no longer married. And it's kind of just to sort of exemplify this point, I had heard that there was a comment made by by someone, a friend of mine had mentioned that she had heard

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this comment, and it's something to the effect of, you know, if a woman is 27, and she's not, you know, married, yet, she might as well just die, or, or she might as well, I mean, it's it's this idea that her purpose, you know, hasn't really, if she's 27, she hasn't gotten married yet, she's, you know, she has no purpose left. This is, is a very extreme statement. But I do think that it's, it does show a reality that we do have in our community and in our, you know, in society at large that this is this is her purpose, and if she's not able to fulfill that purpose, she has no other purpose, I want to remind you and myself that our purpose is to worship Allah subhanaw taala. Our

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purpose is to be a slave to our Creator purposes, not ultimately to get married or to be a mother or to be a husband or, or to be a father, but rather, our purpose is to worship Allah subhanaw taala in the way that is most pleasing to Him. And for some, for some people, Allah has written one way. And for other people, Allah has written a different way. And not everyone has the same identical path to Allah subhanaw taala. This is also something I think we get confused about a lot. We see one path and we say I want that path to a law. And that's the only path to a law. And and that may not be the best path for me personally. For example, we have a lot of people, a lot of people who who share

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with me that they want to be a public speaker or they want to be a DI. And while this is a very noble path, it is not necessarily everybody's path. And so when we make the path itself our goal, that's when we really we fail and we fall in and it actually can hurt us because it's it may or may not be the best path for us. And there may be people who, who you know getting married may or may not be the path written for them. It may be not written for them. Now, it may be written for them later. Allah knows best you know, we do our part, but we have to be very careful not to be attached to the path itself.

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But that our attachment ultimately is to the end, and that's reaching Allah subhanaw taala in the best state inshallah.

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So one of the questions that I received is, is it okay to completely leave it to Allah to find someone for you? Or should one be actively looking for a spouse? And see, like, I want to know the right attitude Muslims should have once they have reached the age of marriage? This is an excellent question. And I think that the answer to this question requires some some balance in order to find, I think the right approach, there is the aspect and this brings us to the concept of telecoil as well, the concept of reliance on a las panatela there was a time during the prophets time, so the law to send them where there was a man and he had left his camel untied. When the Prophet I sent him

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asked him about it, he said, he put his trust, the man who owned the camel said, I didn't tie my camel because I put my trust in a law and the prophets, I send them advise him tie your camel and put your trust in a law, alcohol with our girl. And this is kind of the famous hedge effects used to talk about the balance between putting our trust in Allah subhanaw taala. And, and acting and doing our part. And the way that that we need to understand it is that Tilak good reliance in Allah, Allah subhanaw taala to give you, you know, anything is, is an act of your heart, that tawakkol is something in your heart that you put your trust in Allah, you know, Allah is the source, you know,

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Allah will take care of it. And, and so that's in your heart, that's your internal state, but externally with your limbs and with your actions, you're still striving. So, yes, you do still, you still can do your part and and in some cases, you must in some cases, you know, it may or may not be it may be optional, but there is no contradiction between striving with your with your limbs, and being in a state of telecoil internally, with your heart. The person may be actively seeking a spouse actively seeking a spouse you know, in the in the way that is that is pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala that is halen, and at the same time inside, inside of them, they are in a state of

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teleco, meaning whatever Allah subhanaw taala sends, I'm pleased with whatever Allah subhanaw taala withholds I'm pleased with, even though they are actively searching, and they're actively, you know, trying, but inside there, they're at peace with whatever ends up happening. That is the that's the goal. The goal is that inside of ourselves, we would be at peace with whatever ends up happening with whatever outcome, Allah subhanaw taala sends, we we are pleased with this doesn't contradict seeking it with your actions and seeking it with your limbs. So to clarify, yes, you can go about it, you can go ahead and, you know, seek it. But the problem that we have is that it becomes the

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obsession of our hearts. It becomes the obsession of our minds in the sense that it consumes us. It doesn't just become something that we're doing with our limbs, but it actually becomes something that fills our hearts that were our hearts are full of this need. This focus on marriage and it's we're willing to do pretty much we're willing to do a lot to get it. It becomes what we think about most of the day or all of the day it becomes what distracts us during our Salah. It becomes what's keeping us up at night it becomes what's making us cry, it becomes the wrong focus. And and we asked the last panel that to make it easy on all those who are seeking this this means to Allah subhanaw

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taala and make it easy for them to have the correct balance and have the correct focus on Allah subhanaw taala this leads us to our first break inshallah We'll take a short break and when we return, there are a lot of questions on this topic and inshallah we will try to address some of them.

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You're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio

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So

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thanks to our tech person, you got to hear back Steve conversation. But basically, the topic here we're talking about is marriage. And some people were asking, What were we talking about? I was saying we're all crazy about marriage. That's panela when we post something about

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when we post something about marriage, like if we say the topic is marriage, you know, so many people's vanilla today, we have the highest listener record listenership that we've ever had. You know, and I was, I was saying, subpanel, if we were to post that it was about Salah. If we were to post that, that we were gonna be talking about prayer or something like that we wouldn't have as high validity listenership. But saponified does show us that, that this is this is a huge focus in our communities. This is a huge focus of our hearts that this is really, really important to us. And it's understandable. It definitely is understandable. I remember when I was a teenager, and we'd

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always tell our halakhah teacher, okay, talk about marriage, like that was the topic we wanted to talk about every single day. It is true, it's it's part of our human nature. But what we really need to do is bring ourselves back to the proper focus, put, put marriage in its proper place in sha Allah as a means to get to Allah subhanaw taala and not the goal itself. It is it is when when the prophets I send them says that that marriage is half our Deen, it definitely is. It is half our Deen and it's a way to reach Allah subhanaw taala. But this is with this should not be confused. This should not be misunderstood as meaning that we are incomplete or we are half a person until we get

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married and, and that when we get married now we're completed. This is this is a I believe an improper way of understanding it. There's no there's nothing of the creation that can complete you. It's only Allah subhanaw taala and your relationship with him. That completes you. And again I gave the example of metti Emerald Yolanda Has she never gotten married, but she was not an incomplete person. She had her her very, very strong relationship with Allah subhanaw taala and Allah speaks about her in Lakota and in such a high way and the prophets I send them said that she was one of the most perfect women and so we know that it's not marriage itself that completes us and that's not the

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you know, the proper understanding and Allah knows best but it's our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala and hamdulillah

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marriage is one of many means to achieve that. Now, like I said, we have a really really high listenership and we have lots of questions we will inshallah be having you know other inshallah many other shows about this topic, because one show is definitely not enough. There's so many questions. So inshallah tune in again, tomorrow, we will be continuing this discussion about marriage. The show airs live every day, Monday through Friday at 11am Pacific Standard Time. 6pm GMT. And we are live we will take your questions at Serenity at one legacy radio.com. And we're also doing our best to keep up with the questions in the chat box inshallah.

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So, one person writes, in most descemet countries, it's culturally believed that a daughter in law is there to serve her in laws, cook and clean and do as they say, what are the rights in laws have on the daughter in law, especially please talk about this Sister, I actually wanted to devote an entire show just to the concept of, to the, to the, the topic of enlace because it's such an important topic, and I think that culturally it's been very misunderstood and, and in a lot of ways abused, perhaps. So inshallah I will, I will be, you know, having an entire show devoted to that topic. So inshallah, stay tuned for that. You can get updates about what we'll be covering on my

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Facebook page. And and twit I also Twitter on tweet as well. And, and just just to kind of quickly address this issue. I think that the point that that this person makes us very valid, I think we do have, unfortunately, culturally, some, some injustice that happens in terms of how sometimes the daughter in law is treated. islamically first of all, when a woman gets married or a man gets married, they do not divorce their own families. islamically we spoke about this in an earlier show the importance of keeping ties with one's family, no one should ever expect, or, you know, tell any person the daughter in law or father in law to cut off from their own family once they get married.

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This is an Islamic and it comes from, you know, a cultural, cultural roots that are that are completely against Islam. That the

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The daughter in law still as part of her family, as well as being part of a new family, in addition to that, but she does not now divorce her family and no longer can talk with them or no longer, you know, keep keep ties with them, that's extremely important that we understand this. Secondly, the, you know, islamically, we're supposed to be treating each other, you know, with fairness and justice and Sn. And sn is this beautiful way of, of treating each other and in when you're, when you're when you're having one person in the family who's sort of treated differently and expected to do

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this, this unfair amount of work, whereas, you know, other other parts of the family are not or maybe other siblings are not, that's not the spirit of the sun. It's not the spirit of justice that that Islam really promotes. So we again, we'll come back and we'll we'll speak more about that at length inshallah. But just just something to keep in mind with regards to, especially keeping ties with one's family that should never be cut just because a person gets married.

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Next question, can a woman ask a man for marriage if she thinks he is a good person? is that it's moving so fast? Is that compatible with Islamic manners and the dignity of a woman?

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You know, there are basically two issues, there's the Islamic question, and then there's cultural norms. And, you know, as long as a cultural norm does not contradict Islam, it's okay to, you know, to abide by some cultural norms, for example, certain types of dress in some countries are, you know, considered acceptable in other countries, they would not, in in Arab countries, a man wears a selb whereas, you know, in the United States, men don't dress like that, and it might be considered a dress, it doesn't, it's not something that's, you know, when you're when you're in a certain culture and as long as something is not contradictory, it's okay to be you know, to wear in, in one

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culture and maybe another culture, it's not acceptable. Similarly, when it comes to how a woman approaches a man or regarding marriage, in some cultures, there there is a particular way that's, you know, considered sort of more acceptable than others islamically though, is there something wrong with the woman approaching the man as long as it's done in a highlighted way? There's nothing wrong with that of course, we know that that the general the Lionheart was the one who initiated you know, the the idea of of marrying the prophets lie Selim. So islamically we know there's nothing wrong as long as it's, again, it's done in a halal way islamically with regards to cultural norms,

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it'll really depend on the time and place what's what's considered, you know, going going to be considered culturally inappropriate or not, and it's of course, it's up to you to abide by those cultural norms or not, but I would say it's, it's often wise to at least keep those in mind inshallah.

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Someone here asks, dear sister, please give me some advice about getting married to a non Muslim man I converted after marrying and have been together for 10 months.

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He lets me pray and fast and I'm the only Muslim in my city.

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Well, here here now we get into and I like to inshallah get at the heart of the issue here. I think we we are getting going to get at an issue of sacrifice and issue of what are we willing to give up? For the sake of Allah subhana wa Tada. And, first what we what we have to say is this, what does it mean to be a Muslim to begin with? What does it mean to say that I have enslaved myself to Allah subhanaw taala? Well, let's think about what it means to be a slave. A slave is someone who does whatever their master says. And a slave is someone who says semana will altana. But in this case, we're not being we have not enslaved ourselves to some oppressive ruler or some oppressive Master,

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who's just on a power trip we, we are enslaved, we are slaves to the Lord of the universe, the one who is the most just and the Most Merciful and the most loving, and the most wise, and anything that our master tells us to do. It means by definition, that it's best for us, it means by definition, that it is for our own good. And anything that our master tells us to stay away from. It means by definition, that it is not for it is harmful to us that it's actually for our own in our own best interest to stay away from it. Now having heard that and understand that now what we need to do is look at the next question is what does my master say? What does? What does the Lord of the Universe

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say in this room?

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Guard? And the answer is in this regard, it is not allowed for a Muslim woman to marry a non Muslim man. And this is something again, if we understand it in the proper context that this is coming from Allah Subhana ties is coming from the one who knows me best, who knows my world knows everything of his creation best and knows what's best for us. So if we obey this commandment of our Creator, we are actually only helping ourselves, anything that we do in disobedience to Allah subhanaw taala is not harming Allah subhanaw taala it's only harming me, I'm just harming myself, Allah does not need me to follow his rules. In the sense Allah loves me to follow his rules Allah wants us to, but he

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wants these things for our own good. We don't, we don't increase his kingdom, by being good slaves, we don't increase his kingdom by following his rules, and we don't decrease his kingdom by being by being disobedient. We're only shooting ourselves in the foot, we really need to understand this. So here, this is, this is something that Allah subhanaw taala has made clear and it is for our own good. Another aspect of this is that although this is for our own good, Allah still rewards us. And Allah tells us and we're taught that any time that we Allah subhanaw taala take something from us or we sacrifice something for his sake, it is replaced with something better. The prophets, I send them

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spoke about situations where something happens that we you know, a calamity or a hardship or anything really can fall into this category, something that's difficult for us or something that's taken or something that that we have to give up. And he says that if we respond in the right way, it will be replaced with something better. So Sister, I guarantee if you you know, give up this, this this Act, which is not pleasing to Allah subhanaw taala of being with a non Muslim man, that Allah subhanaw taala will replace it with something better, inshallah, Tada.

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This person asks the, you talk a lot about how Allah should fill the void in our hearts. But could you please comment about? But could you please comment on finding emotional fulfillment from your spouse, shouldn't a spouse be emotionally available and be your best friend, I am struggling with this as I feel neglected by my husband, and now want to divorce?

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Well,

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I would say that this is an issue that a lot of women go through. And it's something that I think it would be wise for a lot of men to understand as well. And, and that is that's upon a lot, you know, different people have different emotional needs, each spouse has their own emotional needs and their own, you know, their own needs, basically. And, and I think that it's really important to understand, first of all, and I'm just going to talk about this on this level, it's very important to understand that, as a spouse, you have to do your best to fulfill the needs of your, of your spouse. And for example, we talk a lot about and we have so much focus when we talk about marriage,

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about physical needs, right? That, you know, the woman and or man needs to fulfill the physical needs of the spouse. And this is, while this is very true, and there's a lot of, you know, of course, there's a great importance to that. But I think a lot of times this aspect is ignored. And that's the aspect of emotional needs. And for, for maybe for one of the spouses, it's more important than the other. But this need is just as important as the physical need. And the fulfillment of the emotional needs, is just as important as the fulfillment of the physical needs, and it should not be neglected. The neglect of the of the emotional needs actually, as this, as this person commented as

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well. It can break completely break relationships, if, you know, it's, it's just like a person, you know, if you if you if if a person came and and told the sheriff, my spouse is refusing to fulfill my physical needs, most people would say, you know, that's very unjust, right? That's, that's, that's not right, that that's one of the rights that a spouse has on their, on their, on their spouse. But I think that the you know, if somebody comes in says, Well, I'm being completely neglected emotionally and, and I have no companionship and, and they are, you know, completely neglecting my emotional needs, no one really cares, that's just considered something that's just not

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important. And, and this is really we need to wake up and understand how important this is. And I and and I can say that, that I have seen many situations that do end up in divorce because of this exact reason. Men and women need to understand that that there are physical needs and they're also emotional needs and and those are, you know, just as important to be fulfilled. Having said that, I

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I want to speak at at a deeper level here at a spiritual level. And that is, when we talk about filling the heart with Allah subhanaw taala. The way I want you to see it is that your primary, your primary need your ultimate need, ie, that thing with that thing, which you cannot live without that thing, which if it's taken away, you can't go on. It should never be anything that has to do with the creation. It should never be anything except you and Allah Subhana. With that. So when we talk about filling the heart, and we talk about filling the void, and we talk about making Allah subhanaw taala, our ultimate attachment, what are we really saying? We're saying that only one thing should

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be what I can't live without? Yeah, getting companionship, having, you know, that strong friendship with my husband? That's really great. That's incredibly great and incredibly important. But is it a primary and absolute need with which I cannot live without. And when I say I cannot live without, I don't necessarily mean whether or not the relationship will work out that that's a different issue. But I'm talking about my survival as a human being should not be dependent on the creation, my survival as a human being emotionally, psychologically, in every way internally should only be dependent on my relationship with Allah subhanho data, and not on any other relationship. Does that

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mean that those other relationships aren't important? No, absolutely not. They are important, and these are rights and these are and all of that, but ultimately, I should get to a place where my, my, my complete fulfillment, my ultimate fulfillment, is from Allah subhanaw taala, and that I am not in need of it from someone else. Again, we we the real sort of liberation, I would say is it's like, it's like the, the the companion, who, who went to the EU who went to bring Assam to this town and he said, I have come to free you from the servitude to the slave, and bring you to the servitude of the lord of the slave. That that is really what freedom is to be able to not be dependent on

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whether or not this person is going to pay attention to me today or whether or not this person is going to be in a bad mood or in a good mood or is going to talk to me or isn't that yes, we all love to have, you know to be to be loved and we all love to have that very strong connection with people in our lives as people that we love. But suppose it doesn't happen suppose that you know or or one day it's not there or or maybe it's taken away? What then are we are we able to still find fulfilment are we able to still be full inside and that's really what we're talking about. It It is something we want it is something we love, but ultimately it's a gift. And I've been a headliner

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mean as well Jeannette with react and kurata ion with Jonathan joaquina mm and one of the dogs in the Quran says

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robina hablan. Our Lord hablan from Hubba gift us it's give us but it's a gift hablan admin as well as a net with react and Aqua to iron that you know and you see here this word HIPAA and we know that the the attribute of Allah subhanaw taala that goes along with this is El Wahab and will have is the one who loves to give gifts. So we're asking in this to i O Allah, oh, Lord hedlin give us the gift. But I've been a hablan admin as well Jeanette with reatta. Now kurata an iron from our spouses and our children, the coolness of our eyes. It's a gift that that alone would make your spouse and your children the coolness of your eyes. But think about it, it's a gift. It's not an absolute necessity.

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It's not something that I I cannot live without. It's not something that fills me in the sense that I am empty without it. But my fill should be from my relationship with Allah Subhana Allah and these other things are gifts. We love to have gifts, but we do not depend on the gift. inshallah we will take another short break from the law. Again, we have a lot of questions. Please continue to stay involved and when we return, we'll take some of your questions on the topic of marriage.

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Solomonic this is just me Mujahid and you're listening to serenity streaming live on one legacy radio. I want to remind those people who are maybe new listening today that serenity is a daily show we stream live every day Monday through Friday at 11 o'clock Pacific Standard Time 6pm GMT we we are live at the same time every day Monday through Friday and we are taking your questions every day. So, this is a this is an opportunity for people to to write in you can write your questions to serenity at one legacy radio.com We also take your questions on the chat box and we will inshallah be opening the lines coming up as well. So, this is actually a show for you the listener to get your

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issues, your questions and to address those inshallah inshallah, in in the in the best, you know, the the way where our focus is, and our lenses is Allah subhanaw taala and and our path to him inshallah, I also want to let the listeners know that in sha Allah, I actually have some sort of exciting news as well, I have, I'm going to be Shahla launching my first book, and Charlotte's going to be available on August 10. inshallah, so now, it's about a week and a half away. This is a collection of my writing over the last, something I've basically been writing over the last 10 years or so, and it's called reclaim your heart. inshallah, it will, I will be giving you more details

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about how to order it, and I'll be posting it on Facebook as well, inshallah, but just something to, to kind of look out for August 10. inshallah, I just, you know, kind of set we just set that date. So that's kind of exciting. You know, bringing us back to this topic of marriage. Like I said, it's going to be many, many shows to kind of try to cover many of these questions. But one question, I think, brings about it brings up a good question.

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And that is, says I was married about a year ago, but unfortunately, it didn't work out. Because my husband was bringing my emend down, he had bad habits, such as drinking gambling, I got a divorce because I was going further from a law. Did I do the right thing by leaving him? Or should I have had sobor?

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This question brings me to a related question again, about the what I think is a misunderstanding of the concept of cyber, cyber, usually translated as patients suffer does not mean being passive. sobota does not mean doing nothing. That's not Subbu Subbu is perseverance and constancy and patience, but you can be in fact, when you are acting, when you are taking a step, when you are doing something actively, you also need something that's where silver is needed, as well. You know, there's this concept that suborn means that I don't act Southern means that I'm being passive, and I'm allowing things to continue to happen. And I don't do anything about it. It's just, you know, I

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just sort of just letting it happen and, and and letting people treat me However, they want, because I want to have Subbu, but rather, when you act, you need somebody and and i and i got a similar question also related to this about an engagement that was broken off, because they saw some some bad characteristics in the in the potential spouse, and the the reader was asking, the listener was asking, should I not have broken it off? And did I displease Allah subhanaw taala, by breaking it off, and should I should I have instead had suffer. And again, this concept of stubborn meaning, don't act, meaning stay passive, meaning allow anything to happen and allow yourself to be in any

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situation and don't make any action to change it. That is not Islamic. That is, and oftentimes that can actually be because of weakness and because of fear of fear of something other than Allah subhanaw taala maybe fear of a person, maybe fear of what people are going to say, but at the root of it, it's sometimes is not even.

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It's not even necessarily done for Allah sake. But maybe I'm just afraid to act, or maybe I'm afraid of change. Or maybe I'm afraid of what people are going to say. But the fact that you're able to make, to take a stand and to stand up for what's right. That takes

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suffer and to make an action for what's right. If something if you're in a situation and it is abusive or it is harmful for you, and you and you make a change and active change, to change, to get out of that situation that requires sober, you need sober in order to do that, in order to even achieve that, that's sobor. So seeking Allah subhanaw taala is help, but not being passive. Islam is not about being passive. Islam is about being active and taking an active role in trying to change things that are wrong. The prophets I send them said that if you see something wrong, you should try to change it with your hand. And if you cannot, then speak out against it, you change it with your

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tongue by speaking out against it, or at least hate it in your heart. And that is the weakest of faith. This is this is not a religion that teaches us to be passive about wrongdoing. This is not a religion that teaches us to be passive about abuse, or, or, or just, you know, when we see something oppressive in one way or another, but rather, we're supposed to be taking an active role in trying to change it. If that means that I need to, you know, if I'm the one in that situation, I'm the one being oppressed, I should not just sit around and allow that to happen. So taking out and re defining the concept of suburb does not mean that now you punched me in one cheek. Okay, let me give

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you the other cheek because I'm patient here, go ahead and punch me again. No, that's you know, this is not the the sense that we're taught by our prophets, I send them where he's telling you to try to make it make a change, try to change it with your hand, if not with your tongue and at the very least hated in your heart. If you cannot change it, then at the very least, you should hate it in your heart.

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I think I have time for maybe one more question, but like I said, I encourage you please, you know, you can tune back in tomorrow inshallah, we will continue this discussion on marriage and we will take as many shows as as is necessary to really, inshallah, take a try to try to address your questions. These are a lot of very, very good questions. Tomorrow, inshallah, at the same time, we will also be continuing this discussion and taking your questions.

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This question says, Why is it that the majority of guys tend to become disloyal after a few years of marriage? As a single girl this really scares me and it's affecting me meeting potential guys after all, is this what we wait for all our life? What can we do to prevent this from happening? A lot of issues in this question, one about being disloyal. One about about, you know, it just being a guy thing, and then second about waiting for it your whole life. I want to start from the last point, just to reiterate,

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we we need to stop waiting for marriage our whole life, we need to stop making marriage the ending, you know, the happily ever after? I live my whole life and then at the end, you know, there's this

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it's like, the, you know, at the end of the rainbow, there's there's marriage. That's not what marriage is. Marriage is the beginning. It's not the ending. Marriage is the beginning of a road and it's sometimes a very tough, challenging road to Allah subhanho wa Taala it isn't where Jenna begins, it isn't, you know, that point where everything now becomes perfect because now I'm, you know, my I've gotten married and spinal I just actually posted an article This is love about this exact

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concept of marriage that we have, I posted it on my Facebook and and it's it's this idea that, you know, marriage is where we're waiting our whole life, you know, as as girls or, or as, as men, or as boys growing up, you know that there's this fantasy, right about the wedding about and sometimes it's just about the wedding, but the wedding and the marriage. And that's the first issue is that this shouldn't be something that we're making, you know, this ending in in our path, but just just one of the paths in sha Allah if Allah wills it.

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The other question is about disloyalty. First of all, it's not it's not just of course,

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only men who can be disloyal, but it brings us to the issue of of what are you marrying for? And and it brings us to the issue of how do you choose a spouse, someone else brought up in the chatbox the importance of choosing a spouse, not just for yourself, but for your, for your future children. And there's a quote that I really like where it says that you, you want to choose a husband, that you would be proud. You You want to choose a husband, that you would be proud of having a son just like that you that you want to choose a wife that you would be proud to have a daughter that grows up to be just like that, that that's the type of person that you should try to, you know, try to look for

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in a spouse and so looking for character, ultimately in the spouse and not just the external

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Whether it's looks or money or status, but making sure that you are seeking someone for their good character and for Dean and that's really what's going to matter and inshallah inshallah to Allah prevent such things from happening coolly and calmly Heather was stuck for a lot he will come in Navona Rahim inshallah, tune in tomorrow was Samuel alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato