Yasir Qadhi – Advice to Parents on Raising Teenagers
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of learning to raise children and the need for parents to be aware of their children. They provide seven advice for parents, including not raising children in a hole and not maximizing their children in a hole. They stress the importance of privacy and privacy for young people, and encourage parents to allow their teenagers to make mistakes and learn from their own mistakes. They also emphasize the need for parents to support and encourage parents to make small mistakes and bring children into the conversation. They emphasize the importance of affirmations and working together during parenting and parenting phases.AI: Transcript ©
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hamdulillah All praise is due to Allah subhanho wa Taala the one and the unique He it is whom we worship and it is his aid that we seek. He revealed the Quran to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and he taught them how to speak. He hears the dua of the oppressed and He is the Lord of the week as to what follows know that Allah subhana wa Tada has reminded us to be conscious of him when he says in the Quran, yeah, you Hello Dina. I'm an otaku. Allah Allah to otter. Whether temotu Illa one two Muslim on are you who believe be conscious of Allah, the way that it is befitting you are conscious of him and do not die except in a state of submission. Dear Muslims, one of the struggles
that all of us face as parents is the struggles of how to raise our children and the Quran is full of so many doors that parents are making to have righteous children what else the leafy the Rio de Robina habla naman as Why do you know whether you
Latino, Kurata Aryan so many to us, because it is a very major theme of our lives wanting to raise righteous children. And when I first started studying Islam more than 25 years ago, and I was a bachelor at the time, I would come back in the summers to America, and I got married, I didn't have any kids. And people would ask me give us some Islamic advice about how to raise children. So I said, let me go and read what the books say. Let me ask my teachers what is our Quran and Sunnah tell us about the specifics of how to raise children, after all, fifth teaches us how to get married How to divorce in laws of inheritance, surely, there must be so many chapters about how to raise
children. But when I went and studied and asked my teachers more than two and a half decades ago, I came to realize that there's not that much material that gives us detailed instructions about how to raise our children. And I did not understand at the time why it was only when ALLAH blessed me to have my own children that are realized the divine wisdom, because raising children is not a set of laws. It's not science, that you apply the equation. And then this happens, no, ALLAH SubhanA wa, tada knows that raising children is not something that is science, it is an art and you learn on the job, it is an on the job training that all of us have to do continuously. So how we raise children
varies from time to place to culture, and it even varies from child to child, any one of us who has more than two children, more than one child knows this, what might work with the first child will not work with the second, what didn't work with the first and second will work with the third would work with the first, second and third might not work with the fourth. So because the art of raising children is not to science, the Quran and Sunnah does not have that much. It doesn't have specific injunctions. Rather it has generic advice. And nobody can guarantee you that if you do X, the result will be why if you follow this procedure, then the children will come out all right, it doesn't work
that way. No, it's an ongoing effort. And we try and we put in and we do the best that we can. And we as well learn just like our children are learning. So it's a two way street, that even as we're raising our children, we are also learning how to parent raising children. It is a two way technique. And one of the things that we learned from our tradition is that our older model Sahaba de Sabirah, when they understood this from day one, one of the most famous sayings of Adi Radi Allahu Allah, when it comes to raising children's is the following. Don't raise your children, the way that your parents raised you. This is added to the alarm to saying this, don't raise your
children the way that your parents raised you, because their time and their birth is a different era than your time and your birth. This is what I did all the Allahu Anhu said 1400 years ago, that may be the techniques of your parents might not work on you. And if he said this so long ago, when generally speaking culture was much more stagnant and similar. What do you think about our generation, one culture is changing every 510 years. And especially especially when many of us in this audience are actually changing cultures, we are switching cultures, the cultures you have been born in is not even the culture your child is being born in the era you have born into and raised in
is completely different than the era your children are being raised in. So how pertinent is it to keep this point of audio the hola one in our mind, that just because something worked for your generation, it might not work for our generation. So in today's culture, dear brothers and sisters, I will tackle a very difficult topic a topic that we are all struggling as parents including myself, I'm with you in this we are all in this together. And that is some generic advice, not rules. Not maximums in the Quran and Sunnah because Allah did not reveal those types of rules because it is understood that raising children is not something that rules apply. Rather it is an art and an
ongoing process, but we can benefit from some generic advice and in today's hooked by insha Allah Allah, I will be going over seven points seven pieces of advice that I have called from many different books, not just the books, the filter and whatnot. Actually most of these come from books of psychiatry books of modern authors that have struggled with, you know, counseling teenagers and have helped many young men and women of our times and I will intersect
reach them with some Quran and with some sunnah. Now if somebody were to say that, dear chef, why are you talking about raising teenagers in a hole but their responses Subhan Allah, preserving the family is one of the most important goals of our Shadia. Preserving the family is one of the most important goals, how can we not pay attention to this topic, and I hope inshallah as well that this holds, will be the beginning of a conversation amongst us as parents, and then especially at the dinner table between you and your teenage children, let this hauteville serve as a catalyst. Let this talk serve as the beginning of a much longer conversation that will be taking place about the
best techniques about the best tactics about how we as a community, and especially the two of you, as parents, your you and your spouse can come together and help your children during this awkward era or age known as the teenage age, because obviously today's cold but is particularly about teenagers. So I began Bismillah to Allah with these seven points. Point number one. From an Islamic perspective, dear parents realize there is no such thing as a teenager. From an Islamic perspective, you're either a child or you're an adult, and teenagers are on the side of adulthood. This is one of the fundamental differences between the Islamic paradigm and Muslim culture and Muslim ik law versus
Western civilization. When it comes to raising children. They have made a category called teenager, whereas for us, a young man or woman is indeed a young man or woman, but a young man or a young woman. And that means that once you become bonded, which is 1314 15, at max at max, once you become valuable, then you are going to be treated in the eyes of Allah like an adult. So teenagers are not children. They are young adults, once they are body responsibility becomes on them, and they are primarily responsible in the eyes of Allah for what they do. And therefore we as parents need to not just tell them this and train them with this but then act in accordance with this reality. Your
teenager is a young adults and what that means is that before they answer to you, they have to answer to Allah subhanho wa Taala we need to teach our children this reality just like LA C'mon, daddy, his Salam in the Quran. He teaches his teenage son that conversation read it today. That conversation that look man has with his teenage son, what does look man say to his son? Ja guna Yeah, oh, my dear son, no one thing that no matter what deed that you do, and no matter how small that it is, if you try to hide it in the depths of a rock, or you scatter it anywhere in the heavens know that Allah azza wa jal knows it and Allah will bring it out and you will be asked about that.
Look, man, is teaching his son to be conscious of Allah. He is not saying if you do this, I'm gonna punish you. Because a young man or woman needs to understand he doesn't have to answer to you as much as the answer to Allah subhanho wa taala. So point number one start inculcating in your teenagers, that they are no longer children and start acting with them as if they are no longer children. Because from the standpoint of the Sharia, they are no longer children. They are young men, they are young woman, and they are responsible for all that they do. Now, this does not mean that you let go, this does not mean that you have nothing to do with them. But it does mean that
your young son, your young daughter, once they become bothered need to understand they don't have to fear you to have to fear Allah subhanho wa taala. That's your job to put the fear of Allah in them, and not just to countability unto you. This is point number one. Point number two parents realize and this is a follow up, that while you are responsible for raising your children, you are not responsible for micromanaging the rest of their entire lives. And the older that they become, the less responsible you are for micromanaging. Once a young lady or young man becomes young man or young lady, they need to be given some time, some responsibility, some privacy that allows them to
grow allows them to think you cannot be breathing behind their backs. 24/7 That's what you did when they were babies and you needed to do that. But as they're growing up, then you as well need to turn a little bit inward and allow them some privacy allow them some time to think and to make things through. They're going through a lot in this world especially in this current world. They have enough of their own internal and external problems to face and you cannot and should not become one of their major problems. They need to
discover and learn on their own. And you should be there. Yes, but not constantly. So you are asking for a recipe for disaster. If you start micromanaging the life of your adult son, an adult daughter, it doesn't work. Would you want that if your parents are alive? Would you want them to micromanage your life? Obviously not. So realize when your son or daughter is 16 1718. They're not a full adult. I agree. They're not fully independent, but neither are they two years old as well. So as they grow older, your micromanaging has to become less and less, allow them some privacy, allow them to be slacking some issues because you need to fight the bigger battles. Maybe the room might be messy,
okay, that's their room. It's their space is doing what they're doing. You set the rules at a higher level and allow them some laxity and some privacy to grow up. Otherwise, if you take on the job of becoming their micromanager, nothing will happen other than resentment other than anger, and you won't allow them the opportunity to grow on their own. And this leads me to point number three. Point number three. Don't make the primary interactions that you have with your young adult. Don't make the primary interaction to be one of constantly reprimanding constantly micromanaging, constantly getting angry. One day when you're all alone. Parents, ask yourself the conversation I
have with my teenagers, what percentage of it is reprimanding them getting angry at them, coaching them at what percentage is just a good conversation? A positive conversation, generic conversation. If you find that the bulk of your own conversation with your son or daughter is basically getting angry at them, reprimanding them, telling them they didn't do something right? Well, then something is wrong with your parenting style. How can the majority of your interaction with a young man or woman be one of negativity? What do you think is going to happen when most of your own interaction is one of negativity? Why did you do this? How are you doing that? And when they do something
positive, there is silence usually. And this is another problem Subhanallah it is as if we believe that praising comes with a cost and rebuking is free. So we never give words of encouragement. We never affirm. We never allow them to be feeling that they've done something right. But the minute they slip up the minute they do something wrong, we are right there behind their backs, that's not going to work. If you really want to healthy relationship, then let your generous words your loving words be much more than the words of reprimand. Once again, I'm not saying never reprimand obviously, we are not going to be you know with them for the rest of our lives. Inshallah it's our
job to be there at some level, but when the majority of the interaction will be nothing other than putting them down, making them feel bad making them feel guilty, well, then what do you think is going to happen of their perception of you. So understand that your reprimands, and your harshness should be like salt to the good food, let there be lots of food, good food loving, encouraging, telling them words of affirmation, such that when you need to that little bit of salt, that little bit of harshness, it will go much more. But if all you give them is harshness, then what do you expect their response to be? Point number four, if you understand the our young adults, the young
men, their young woman, then realize that people learn the most from their own trial and error from their own mistakes. No one can teach your young man or young woman like he or she can teach himself or herself. And what that means is that you're going to have to allow them to make some mistakes and learn from their own mistakes, there is no better and more effective way to master something than to do it yourself. You cannot be there to take on their lives for the rest of their lives. You can't, your own parents didn't do it for you again. So you're going to have to learn to let go. And you're going to have to allow them to move on with their lives. And when they do so they might make a
mistake. If they make that mistake. You need to be there to help them get back on track. They know they made a mistake. They're not two years old. They know they made a mistake. And so allow them to learn from their mistake. Now I am not saying never punished them. I never said that. But if punishment must be done, and sometimes punishment must be done. Realize you can't punish a 17 year old the way you're going to punish a three year old realize this yelling, shouting, screaming what will it accomplish to a young man or woman? I asked you by Allah. If somebody shouted at you would that change your mind? Would that change your weight? You would feel nothing but anger even if you
made a mistake. So don't we realize your 17 year old is a young man, a young woman you raising your
Your voice is not going to solve the problem. You yelling and shouting at that age or doing something that you might do to a two year old, go sit in your corner, or I'm going to take your iPhone away. They know they made a mistake, they understand it. How are you going to respond? respond like you should to a young adult. Now, I can't give you specifics. But I'll tell you one thing, bring them in to the equation. Tell them what would you do if you were the parent and your child made this mistake? What would you do as a learning experience? Bring them into the conversation? Because at that age, yelling and shouting, and throwing in the corner is not going to
be effective? It might work for a two year old. Yes. But you cannot expect a young man to be dissuaded against something just because you raised your voice. It doesn't work at that age anymore. Learn from the story of Ibrahim alayhis salam, when Allah commanded him to do the bulk of his son, and Allah's command is gonna be done. Right. Ibrahim alayhis salam calls his son and tells him Allah told me this. Then he says, What do you think I should do? Mother Tara, what is your opinion? And he's asking in a matter that the opinion of his son doesn't matter at all. It has to be done. But this is what maturity is. This is what it means I'm going to bring you in and we're going to ask you
what do you think I should do? Mother Tara? Nam because of course the both of them are prophets. And this is of course an exceptional commandment and scenario. Obviously the younger Prophet says Allah Yeah, but if ALMA to do what Allah azza wa jal told you to do, I will follow along. But the point is not the story. The point is the moral of talking to your son or daughter, bringing them in this is a difficult matter, you know, may Allah protect all of us suppose your son was in a, you know, minor crash or whatever, you know, whatever happened, bring him in. Look, you know, you made a mistake. You were texting, you're talking on the phone, you know, you shouldn't have done that. Now. You put
yourself in my shoes, what do you think we need to do to make sure this never happens again, that will be much more effective than you yelling and shouting and screaming, he knows he's made a mistake. He's old enough to understand, but you need to now be the one who puts him back on track need to be the person who makes sure that that never happens again. And that means not just being a micromanager. No, but being more of a life coach being a coach on the side rather than a hovering helicopter always willing to pounce on them, allow children to young men and women to learn from their mistakes, and bring them into the conversation when they need to be corrected. Point number
six, point number five, excuse me, point number five. Parents Alhamdulillah. Allah has blessed almost all of us to live lives more comfortable than our parents did. This is what you're hearing this land and what Allah has allowed us careers and what not, we now have amenities and perks and privileges that our forefathers did not have. Realize, your son or daughter is not going to be a better person. If you just give them things you did not have when you're growing up. You cannot bribe your son or daughter into better adulthood. You cannot bribe your children to be better people. By spoiling them with every latest gadget by giving them every single latest iPhone. That's
not the way to make them feel empowered. Now, obviously, every teenager, everybody if I gave you gifts, you'd like it, who doesn't like gifts, who doesn't like to be spoiled, but deep down inside, a teenager wants to become a young man or woman. And the only way they're going to do that is if they earn what they are getting. They don't want to be treated like a two year old, you give your two year old gifts without anything expecting back. As for a young man or woman, they need to be told, okay, now you have to earn this and you set the parameters, this is what you need to do, then you will get this, you're not going to really win their hearts by simply spoiling them. You might
think you're winning their hearts, you might think so, but they will lose respect for you. They will see through your tactics. If you try to bribe your way into their hearts, they realize that you are their life coaches, they realized that so if you really are their life coach, then just like the coach tells the team work harder, raises the bar puts more weights on the dumbbells tells them to run the mile even faster. That's gotta be the parental techniques is that look, you'll get what you need. I'll give you the latest iPhone, but now you're 17 I'm not gonna give you as a gift. No, show me You've earned it. Show me you deserve it. And then you set them the rules. This is what you need
to do. And then this is going to happen. So do not spoil a teenager by simply throwing them every single latest thing. Allow them self dignity, this is what you're doing. You're giving them self dignity. You're allowing them to earn and they will feel qualified, I've done something Yes, I've done what they wanted me to do. I put in my effort I put in all of that time and
Now I get my my reward I've gotten I've gotten my salary. So do not treat your teenager when it comes to gifts when it comes to reward when it comes to bribing, if you like, as you would a younger child, because they are no longer a younger child, point number six, point number six. And this is something that I read from a famous psychiatrist who's done 35 years of counseling teenagers in this country. He said, one of the things that families need to do is to allow teenagers to understand they are a part of a bigger picture. They are an older brother or younger sister to other people, they have cousins, they have families, allow them to understand that it's not just about them, the
world doesn't just go around them. It's not just their issues. No, they have a complex relationship with extended family, with friends with society. And it's your job as parents to facilitate that understanding. And that is done via making them come. Now, obviously, teenagers don't like to be going anywhere, teenagers want to go to the room shut the door, and don't want to be disturbed at all. But deep down inside, once in a while they need human companionship, they need family and friends, sometimes soft pressure to come with you to a family event to a picnic to a barbecue, to a restaurant. And in that gathering don't bring up their issues and their grades and their failures.
Just let them be a part of an extended family, let them understand that it's not just about them and their issues. No life is beyond them. Life is much bigger than just them. And you have to facilitate that environment. And you will do so by softly pressuring, positively encouraging them every once in a while to be a part of something larger than just themselves. And this will help them maintain their sanity, it will help them realize that, hey, it's not just me and my problems, they'll laugh and smile at a cousin's joke, they're going to see an uncle and meet an aunt, and they're going to be a part of a family. And that's your job to facilitate the larger picture. This was point number
six to understand that they are not just the world does not revolve around them, there's far more other issues that they should be aware of. And then point number seven of the ways to help raise a teenager is parents need to realize that sometimes it is important to bring in a mentor a figure, not just you and your spouse, a figure who can help them. That is not a parent, find a positive role model, a role model they can look up to and is not going to be a parent because parents come with their baggage parents come with their you know, that's what a parent is always wanting the best and what not find a neutral third party could be a cousin could be a community leader could be somebody
if they want to become an engineer or a doctor, find a doctor that can look up to a mentor. That is a positive influence that is not a mother or father figure. And you can facilitate that. Because sometimes the advice that comes from that person might be the same as yours, but it will actually impact them in their hearts. Sometimes when you say the same thing, it's going to come on deaf ears, so facilitate for them, a person they can genuinely look up to and connect with. Once upon a time when we had different times and places, you know, our young men and women would go to Halaqaat and Islamic scholarships and there would be so many rhodamine whatnot, these days things have been
different. Could you find the mentor, whatever it is their field, whatever they have a passion for there must be somebody that's a positive role model, bring them into their lives, connect them with this role model, and then facilitate that because sometimes, the advice that comes from this role model will be much more effective than the exact same advice when it comes for you. These are my seven points. And before I conclude, I'm going to talk about two generic things and then break for our first cookbook, the generic things I want to say, regardless of the age of your son or daughter, regardless of parenting and whatnot, the best tarbiyah you can give to your children begins with
yourself. If you are not a role model to yourself, you can't be a role model to anybody else. So begin with yourself. And as we began the hotbar always make lots and lots of dua for your children always make dua for your children. Never forget that in the end of the day, the hearts are in the hands of Allah there's only so much you can do. So yes, you put in the effort you do all that you can, but then constantly make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala Robina habit enter as wodgina with RIA Tina Kurata Iranian which added a motel Tina Emma Austria leafy the RIA tea herbally Mila doon Korea Tompa yerba all of these are from the Quran, constantly make dua for your children and that will
insha Allah Who to either bring about the spiritual Baraka that is so, so important but in the end of the day, we do what we can and we leave the rest to Allah subhana wa Tada May Allah azza wa jal bless me I knew within through the Quran
may make us of those who is versus the understand and applies halal and haram throughout our lifespan as scholars forgiveness you as well ask him for his love of food and the ramen.
Alhamdulillah Hiwot hadn't had a summit a lady lemonade when a mule at Wallonia Kula who phoned Hyderabad do. One of the things that one of the specialists well known in this country for 14 years psychiatry and counseling teenagers for more than 35 years, one of the things that he wrote, in a very well read the article that he mentioned about some of these techniques is that our generation of teenagers, especially this generation, for many of them, they're struggling with feelings of helplessness, feelings of depression, thinking that they're a source of disappointment for the parents not feeling that they are loved. I have spoken about this in previous courses. We don't know
why this is the case more for this generation. But it is the case, it is the case that our children this generation, for some reason, they're undergoing more psychiatric issues than previous generations, they're struggling and coping with more mental stress than when we were growing up. Hola who are the white that is the case, but it is the case. And we as parents need to be sympathetic to that. And this is especially true psychiatrists have told us for immigrant children is especially true. And I think the reason for this is obvious, because when you're the child of immigrants, and especially our immigrant culture, we are pressuring our children to be better than
their mainstream peers and colleagues over here, we put more pressure on them to get the best grades to be the role models. On top of that they're different, their skin color is different, their religion is different, their names are different. So understandably, they have even more pressure than the rest of society. And when our primary interaction with them is typically more rebuking, more anger, more reprimand, than what do you think is going to happen. And I also think here that differences in culture play a huge role for this culture, for this culture, to hear words of affirmation from their parents, to have their parents physically hug them to say, We love you, son,
we love you, daughter. That is the norm. It's common. We see this in the movies all the time. But let us be brutally honest, for most of us in our cultures. That's not how our parents raised us, it was much more formal. I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm simply telling you this the way it was, it was much more formal, and it worked for that generation. I'm a product of that generation. But what I'm trying to convey to all of us is that perhaps it's not going to work for the next generation. As I know, the Allahu Allah said, you can't raise your children the way you were raised times have changed. They were created for a different timeframe. So when our children never hear from us that
they are loved. They wonder, do we really love our children? They wonder, do we really want them and they start feeling helpless, hopeless, depressed. And so to cater to that to do your parents, I will speak on your behalf to our teenagers. And if you feel that you cannot express the sentiments, then I ask that you forward this whole via this link forwarded to your son or daughter and say, listen to this audiobook, because this is how I feel. Listen to this football. And it's expressing my sentiments if you agree with this, then forwarded so that Insha Allah, the conversation can begin. This is my message to our youth, young adults, our sons, our daughters, I speak to you as a member
of your parents class, you are our future. And you need to understand that all that we do we do for you. Without you, our lives become meaningless, our anger, our reprimands, our encouragement. They're all done to make you better. We want to see you better than us. And that's why sometimes we're harsh. Sometimes we become angry and frustrated, because we want you to be better than us. Maybe maybe we're not doing it right. Maybe we're becoming too harsh. Maybe we mess up along the way. But I want you to understand, dear son, dear daughter, that all that is being done. It is being done from love, even if you don't see it as that the reason why we're doing this is because we love
you. And we want the best for you in this world. And in the next. Maybe we don't see eye to eye on many issues. Maybe our cultures are very different. But that doesn't change the reality of love, that you are our primary object of love. And you will not understand this until you become a parent yourself. We love you more than our words can express but we don't know how to express it to you. You don't understand this, but you will when you have your own children. We
We love you more than you can ever imagine, even if we don't say it enough, and one day when you have your own children, you will understand this. But for now, we have to work together during this phase, and we put our trust in Allah that Insha Allah, the future will be better and brighter. And we are both learning along the journey. Even as you think I'm teaching you, dear son, dear daughter, you are teaching me so much about life and so much about parenting. And I want you to know that we make dua for you constantly, and we want to see you improve. So if we make some mistakes, then forgive us as we also forgive your mistakes. And we together we make dua to Allah that as he has
gathered us in this world with all of this love, that he makes us continue with this love and gather us together in Jen insha Allah Who to Allah, this is my message to our youth, and it is a message to all the parents as well, and I hope that inshallah with this chutzpah, the awkward conversations on the dinner tables begin, you need to talk to your teenage son and daughter, you need to express the problems of the household and bring them into the conversation to form a better solution with lots of dua with lots of love with lots of optimism. That is our only hope. Otherwise, what else is there all that we're doing we're doing in this dunya for the sake of our children, and what we're doing it
the aka we're doing for Allah azza wa jal, we ask Allah azza wa jal for all the Clawson tofield Allahumma and Anita and for aminu, Allahu Allah azza wa jal yami them been in LA for a while. Ah hum and Illa Faraj the weather then Illa Kobita while Mr. De La Ilaha feta, well I see you're on Illa yourself to Allah ma Filipina, well, if one in Edina Saba guna Bill Iman what Etheridge I feel pulmonale Hilda Lilina Manu Robina in Nicaragua for Rahim, Allah Houma is Islam I will Muslim in Allahumma is Islam I will Muslim and Allahumma is an Islamic Muslim in Allahumma, Adana, our ardent Islam almost immediately Sue and Fraser who have been FC, which outed me with the whole fetus bat
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